Last time I forgot to thank all my friends who took the time to read the chapter and give advice. I 'specially want to thank a certain nurse for all the help to make the medical details as accurate as possible!
Night Howls
Part Three
I floated to the surface of my consciousness slowly. I had been dreaming of wolves, boys, and snow. I shivered and moved closer to the warm body curled up next to me. Wrapping an arm around it, I cuddled up soaking in the warmth.
"Ava," I murmured softly.
I ran my hand down her side and up under the edge of the sweatshirt she was wearing. I stroked her thigh softly and stopped puzzled. The soft hair curling across her thigh confused me, when did Ava start growing hair? I sat up and shook my head . Curled up asleep against my stomach was a dark haired elfin waif instead of my beautiful redheaded ex-wife.
Alyosha was curled tightly against me, his legs pulled up inside the sweatshirt. It was the same position that I had found him in the rotted out tree, except now he looked a good deal healthier. Heavy lashes lay against his pale cheek, giving him a look of innocence. I wondered if the silver in his hair was an indicator of age, because his face certainly showed no age.
I had left him on the couch the night before, after showing him the marvels of modern plumbing. The water flowing out, then into the toilet bowl fascinated him and he had flushed several times trying to "trick" the mechanism. I finally stopped him for fear of depleting the holding tank. He had been puzzled about where the water came from so I explained about the well under the house and the holding tank. Wells he understood, but pipes and faucets baffled him. I tried to explain how water was sucked through pipes to the faucet but even to me that was more of a mystery than not!
He hadn't been pleased to sleep on the couch and had given me the most adorable pout I had ever seen; his lower lip had quivered just a tiny bit. Pouting never worked for Ava and it certainly wasn't going to work now for a half dead werewolf! I stroked his hair feeling the silky strands twine around my fingers.
"You need to sleep. I need to sleep," I said softly. Walking away from him opened a pit of emptiness inside me, a memory of just how lonesome I had been since my divorce. But I couldn't make myself walk back to the couch.
"Saving your butt took a lot out of me," I whispered turning off the light. "Sleep well, Alyosha."
Alyosha sighed and glared at the ceiling. His senses were so much sharper than humans were and he could hear Joash down the hall changing clothes and talking to Cherie. He struggled to sit up, pain slicing down his side. Alyosha hissed and pressed his hand to the wound. It didn't matter, it was worth it, and worth his dying so that the spark he saw in the red one would continue.
Finally, alone in the darkness, when he was certain Joash was asleep; Alyosha threw the blankets off and twisted around to stand up. His legs wobbled and he grasped the arm of the couch. Softly, quiet as a stalking predator he limped to the bedroom.
The red head was lying on his side, the sheet had slipped and Alyosha saw the bright whiteness of a T-shirt against the darker sheets. Cherie raised her head and made a soft inquiring sound. Alyosha answered in kind and Cherie laid her head back on her paws. Whispering the sleep spell again, Alyosha limped across the room to the bed. Carefully he jostled the mattress to see if Joash would wake up. When he didn't, Alyosha smiled and lifted the sheet and blankets and slid into the bed. Joash's back was warm and solid against Alyosha's, a comfort Alyosha had almost forgotten. He pulled his legs up into the sweatshirt and closed his eyes. He didn't know what the morning was going to be like but for now he was content.
Strangely, I was pleased to have him here and slid back under the covers. I wrapped my arm around him again and laid very still feeling his heart beat. His soft hair brushed my chin, tickling me. It was heavy with the smell of wood smoke, shampoo and a scent I decided must be Alyosha's personal one. It was musky and dog-like and a tad disconcerting but not unpleasant. Sleep drifted over me like a warm breeze and I slid deep into its grasp again.
I woke, again, to the feather light brush of fingers against my cheek. I had felt this once before, the first night I had slept here. I opened my eyes and looked up at Alyosha. His heavy, dark hair half hid his face and in spite of myself I reached up and tucked one side behind his ear. A very dog-like ear more pointed than round with almost no lobe, I noted with surprise. Time and space seemed to freeze for a moment, and then Alyosha rocked back on his knees.
"That was you, wasn't it? That first night?" I asked.
Alyosha nodded, his hair sliding out from behind his ear and falling over his face again. He looked so impossibly young, except for his eyes. Deep in his eyes were the years past and I shivered. Was it even possible to live 2,000 years and not go insane, I wondered?
"I hadn't been in this body in such a long time, I wasn't even certain I remembered how to work it." Alyosha looked bemused. "But I wanted so very much to get near you, to take a deep breath and breathe in your essence; your scent."
"Oh," I said.
I sat up and looked at the boy in my bed. Desire poured out of his very skin; that together with my morning hard on left me feeling awkward and embarrassed. I flipped the covers off me and lurched out of the bed. The mattress shifted as I leaped off almost knocking Alyosha over. He let out a low yip and grabbed the headboard for support. The floor was freezing and I hopped from one foot to the other until I found my sneakers and put them on. Alyosha was looking at me with a hurt expression.
"You keep doing that," he said sullenly.
"Doing what?" I asked.
"Leaving," Alyosha answered. "Jumping away from me."
I swallowed. How could I explain to this wild boy my conflict at my attraction to him? How would I even BEGIN to explain society's view of my attraction to someone so far outside of that society. All my programmed responses were opposed to what he wanted of me, and I wasn't sure I wanted, much less had the ability, to override them!
I spun on my heels suddenly and took off out the door and down the hall to the kitchen. I needed coffee, very hot, black, strong coffee. I heard Alyosha call my name but I didn't turn around. When I reached the kitchen, I leaned against the sink shaking.
Alyosha studied the open door; he was puzzled and invigorated at the same time. The red one wanted it: he could smell his desire. In fact, he could practically taste the big man's desire. Alyosha whined in frustration and his fingernails clawed at the headboard. He dropped his head onto the headboard.
After a minute or two, he looked up, the red one, Joash he reminded himself, wanted to play hard. Alyosha wasn't half wolf for nothing; he could stalk his prey for days if necessary. If it was a challenge Joash was offering, Alyosha was more than capable of taking it up. He would track his quarry until he gave into what he wanted anyway. Alyosha smiled.
Alyosha appeared in the doorway startling me. Maybe it was the wolf in him, but he moved so quietly that he seemed to materialize in front of me. Cherie followed him into the room and went to her food bowl but didn't eat. Alyosha's eyes were appraising and he studied me quietly. I poured another cup of coffee for myself and reached into the cupboard for a second cup.
"Want some coffee?" I asked.
He shook his head and walked to the table, leaning heavily on it. The huge sweatshirt had slipped sideways revealing a lean muscled shoulder and wiry arm. The artist in me took immediate interest and studied the play of muscle and shadow with interest. Alyosha glanced down and then up at me. A sly smile curled his lips and one sharp canine peeked out.
"You like what you see," he said flatly. "You were willing enough to touch me yesterday. You didn't mind holding me this morning."
"I was asleep this morning," I protested.
"Asleep? Phfft, your hands and your body were ready; you wanted it. Why can't you admit it?"
"You wouldn't understand," I said.
"Why? What makes you think I won't understand?" He growled.
"It's complicated," I said lamely.
"Complicated!" Alyosha exploded, Cherie barked in response. "EVERYTHING with you humans is complicated! You," he pointed his finger at me, "YOU tracked me down across miles of snow and ice, despite my best efforts to hide my tracks; dragged me out of my den and brought me here. And for what?"
"Do you think I don't know you lay with me out there, naked and close? Do you think I don't remember the feel of your lips on mine? And the touch of your hands?" Alyosha's lilting accent gave the words a soft roll and flattened out the you into ye.
"I was trying to save your life!" I said loudly. Cherie looked from one to the other of us and barked loudly.
"Save my life! Why? Why bother, when you are just going to push me away?" Alyosha yelled, tears tracking down his face. "What is it about you humans? You pull me close and hold me but if I act like I'm enjoying it, you jump away as if I had rabies!"
"They wouldn't understand," I cried.
"They?" He asked puzzled. "What they? There's only you and me here. You mean that little girl with the horse. Or the Ranger, oh yes I know what a ranger is, he is attracted to you, you know."
I nodded mutely. After a moment I said, "I mean society, people in general. They wouldn't accept.." my voice trailed off at the inanity of that line of reasoning.
"And they understand and accept me NOW?" Alyosha yelped. "They either don't believe in my kind or they hunt us down and slaughter my pack mates, my cublings." A massive shudder ran down his body.
He pushed off from the table and spun around. He stood stiffly: his back to me, his fingers digging into his arms. Alyosha was stiller than any living thing I'd ever seen; not a muscle moved. I leaned back against the sink feeling thoroughly like a heel. Cherie nosed at him but when she got no response, she came to me. I stroked her head gently.
"Alyosha," I said softly.
Alyosha spun back around and I shrank back against the sink at the look on his face. I had no doubt about the wolf now, his eyes were feral and his lips curled up in a snarl. His teeth flashed and the sharp canines on both top and bottom rows glittered dangerously. Alyosha's fingers curled like claws and I was very glad to have the table between us. Cherie growled softly.
"Don't 'Alyosha' me," he snarled. "You can't wrap me in your arms one minute and then bolt down the hall like a frightened rabbit the next and expect me not to be HURT! I just about died for you! I would have died! I was willing to die!"
He paused and tears cascaded down his face. He leaned forward one hand gripping the back of a chair, the other pressed to his side, where the cat had clawed him. His head drooped. Cherie whined and ran to him. He twisted his fingers into her thick fur.
"I'm not in the habit of challenging full grown, half starved cougars to a fight," he said softly, more to Cherie than to me. "I haven't lived this long by being stupid. I did it for you, I did it because for the first time in, I don't know how long, I felt the pull of The Change." He looked up, his face as white as the new snow outside.
"And I felt something stronger than self-preservation, I felt the desire to protect someone even at the expense of my own life," he looked at me, his eyes catching mine and holding them: predator to prey and I couldn't look away.
"I knew my death was at hand, I knew the cat would kill me, but better me than you," he whispered. Alyosha sagged, his knuckles turning white as they gripped the chair.
I leaped forward and grasped his arm. He growled and waved me away with his free hand. Alyosha straightened up and I shivered as I looked into the eyes of an ancient creature. I expected to see loathing but instead I saw pain, hurt, and betrayal in them. I gripped my arms and shivered.
"Damn you!" He hissed through clenched teeth, "Throw my love out the door if you like, but don't you dare bring in others of your kind as justification for your lack of gratitude for my sacrifice!"
"Alyosha, no, I.. It's not like that," I whispered.
"Then what is it," he hissed.
"I- I can't be gay. I was married. I loved my wife," I choked on my own tears. Cherie whined and leaned against my leg.
"Not that much if you left her," he said.
"She left me!" I yelled, my hands balling up into fists. Cherie jumped back and started to bark. I calmed her and looked back up to Alyosha.
Alyosha's eyes narrowed and he studied me closely. He nodded and rubbed his upper arms roughly. He looked out into the living room and then back, his hands still gripping his arms.
"So that's the pain I felt and continue to feel in you. Failed once and now you are afraid to reach out and try again." His eyes locked on mine again.
"I pity you, for being afraid to take the love that I'm offering. A love that is yours to take or not, I have no regrets for what I've done."
Alyosha limped into the living room and I sagged against the bar separating the two rooms. My head dropped into my hand and tears spilled into my palm. Was I really that selfish and ungrateful, I wondered. Was it only a question of my fear to reach out again rather than any fear of what people would think about my sexuality. I was an artist, I had been a part of the artistic community since my early teens and had met and enjoyed the company of a great many gay men. In fact, half the time people meeting me for the first time had assumed I was gay, because I was an artist, until I introduced Ava as my wife.
I shivered. Ava had called me weak just before she left. I had thought it was just an insult tossed out at the time but now I wondered. Was I really so weak that I depended on other people to give me a picture of myself? And what kind of picture was it, the image that others had of me? I knew what image Alyosha had, despite his anger, despite his hard words, I saw it in his face; he only loved me and wanted to give that love to me.
The front door slammed and Cherie whined and scratched at it. My head jerked up. The living room was empty except for Cherie, frantically trying to get out the door. I leaped for the door grabbing the doorframe for support and swung around into the living room. It was empty.
Alyosha leaned against the couch. Anger still flooded his veins making him lightheaded. Anger was a dangerous emotion for a predator: it clouded the senses and marred the judgment. Alyosha silently cursed himself for giving into that anger. Deep in his head, a wolf howled, calling to him. Alyosha limped to the door and opened it.
Outside snow was falling heavy and hard, almost obscuring the barn. Again, the wolf howled. Alyosha contemplated whether he was strong enough to Change; he could feel the magic pounding in his veins and the heat that was the offshoot of Changing, rising along his arms and legs. To Change! To be free! Free to run, hunt, and hide in the thickets of the forest watching the days and years roll by, Alyosha raised his head to meet the falling snow.
He pulled the door shut and stumbled down the stairs and across the yard. Ancient fears about safety prevented him from Changing so close to the house. Humans had a way of saying things they did not mean. He stumbled across the yard, cold seeping into his body and into his injuries. Cold that drove out the heat of Change, Alyosha staggered and slipped. He struggled to his feet, just a little bit further and he could Change. He slipped again and this time he felt a different heat, this heat was liquid: he had reopened his side wound. Alyosha struggled to stand but to no avail. He huddled in the snow wondering if Joash would come after him a second time. The cold burned through his body again. He had made a mistake, a very costly mistake.
"Alyosha?" I whispered.
But there was no answer except Cherie's whining. I swore loudly and grabbed my coat and one of the discarded blankets off the couch. Flinging the door open, I stopped on the threshold in horror. Snow was falling heavily and the track leading away from the porch was almost covered. Cherie shot off the porch was lost in the snow before I reached the steps.
I scrambled down the steps, trying to zip up my coat and stumbled through the snow following the sound of Cherie's bark. The snow was heavy, wet and slick; I hadn't gone far before my sneakers were soaked and I was shivering. Fortunately, I didn't have far to go, Alyosha had made the lean to before collapsing. He was huddled on hands and knees, his head tucked in against his knees. Cherie was frantically licking what she could reach of his face.
I dropped down beside him and wrapped the blanket around him. He didn't move: all the fight had drained out of him. Carefully I picked him up, a line of red trailed down his bare leg. I swore again, he had opened the side wound and it was bleeding. Clumsily, I wrapped the blanket around him and stumbled up towards the house.
"Alyosha," I whispered. "Oh please sweetheart, don't die on me. Please."
But there was no response from him; he lay limp in my arms. I stumbled and nearly fell climbing back up the gentle slope to the house. Cherie ran at my side, her bark ringing through the silence of the storm. My sneaker slipped on the bottom step of the porch and I fell forward. My knee struck the step edge with an audible crack and I cried out in pain. Alyosha stirred and clutched at my shirt. I leaned against the porch rail, the cold seeping in through my soaked jeans. Finally, I pushed myself upright and stumbled up the steps, my knee throbbing with every step.
The door hadn't shut completely when I ran out and I was able to elbow it open. Snow swirled into the house around me. Cherie lunged in and shook herself vigorously, adding to the mini snowstorm in my living room. I pushed the door shut with my back and leaned against it panting. Alyosha turned his head and looked at me.
"Why?" he asked softly.
"Because damnit, I worked too damn hard yesterday saving your butt to let you go out and freeze to death today!" I growled.
Alyosha smiled and dropped his eyes. His fingers stroked my t-shirt clad chest sending tiny sparks of electricity across my front. I blew snow off his head and watched it tumble softly toward the floor.
"Alyosha," I started and stopped. "Alyosha, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you nor did I mean to make light of your sacrifice. I don't understand what I am feeling, much less what you are feeling. Until yesterday, I didn't even know your kind existed. I - I think I'm suffering from overload." I gripped him tightly. "But thank you, from the bottom of my heart and soul, I thank you for offering up your life for mine. I can never repay you but I'm going to damn well try."
Alyosha tipped his head up, his eyes were deep golden pools of honey; a stray lock of black hair lay across his forehead and over the bridge of his nose. For the first time, I really looked at his elfin face: the narrow, straight nose, full lips and clear china doll complexion. A pretty child, I thought; then stifled a laugh. This child was over 2,000 years old! Alyosha raised his hand to my cheek and I shivered at his cold fingers.
"Kiss me," he whispered.
"I-," I stammered, but he laid his hand behind my head and pressed it down, pushing my lips closer to his.
"Kiss me Joash," he whispered his lips brushing mine. My body was on fire and I ached all the way down my belly into my groin. "Just once, just now, kiss me."
He pressed on the back of my head again and our lips touched. Fire flooded down my back and it was a good thing I was already leaning against the door or I'd have fallen. Alyosha's hand tightened on the back of my neck and I pressed down on his lips, kissing him for all I was worth. He moaned softly against my mouth and his tongue flicked across my lips. I shivered, it had been so long since I'd been kissed and I reacted, pressing down even harder. I pushed my way into his mouth and he moaned again. My tongue carefully explored his sharp canines and the roof of his mouth. Alyosha's hand flexed and his nails scraped lightly across the nape of my neck.
Alyosha's hand tightened on Joash's neck, pulling his lips closer. His very blood pounded with the feel of the big man's arms. His nose was full of Joash's scent: musky and inviting. The feel of the redhead's lips made him think of warm meadows and the sun on his fur. He teased Joash's lips with his tongue and smiled when the big man's arms tightened around him. The feel of Joash's tongue on his and the way the redhead teased his mouth with it, reminded Alyosha why he liked humans as mates. However, there was something different in this human, a hesitancy, an almost uncertainty as if he feared Alyosha would reject him. Alyosha tangled his fingers in Joash's hair and pulled him closer. He would give the redhead everything his body had to give.
My body ached: partly from exertion and partly from pent up sexual feeling. Alyosha's lips against mine and his hand on my head were driving me crazy. I wanted to hold him, cuddle him, and keep him safe and warm. I broke off the kiss and raised my head.
Alyosha's lips curled up in a soft smile. His eyes closed and his hand slid down my neck and chest to hang limply off his side. His head rolled sideways against my chest. Terror washed through me sweeping out any lingering sexual desire. Pushing off the door, I hobbled across the room and down the hallway to the bedroom.
I laid him gently on the bed and carefully unwrapped him. His skin was gray again and my sweatshirt had a large orange stain: blood on yellow. I felt the side of his throat, his pulse fluttered steadily against my fingers. Relief flowed through me and I dropped my head against Alyosha's shoulder again smelling his musky, canine scent.
With shaky fingers I worked the sweatshirt over his head, then untied the bandage and peeled away the layers of blood encrusted gauze. My pocketknife was on the end table and I used it to cut the gauze instead of jostling Alyosha so I could unwrap him. The wound was pink and clean and most of the bleeding had stopped. Cold was good for something, I thought wryly. However, I didn't like the gray color of his skin, he needed warming up.
The cold from my wet sneakers and pants had seeped into me and I started to shiver. Cold combined with stress causing the shivers to become nearly uncontrollable; for a minute, I couldn't do anything but shake. I needed to heat up and I needed to get Alyosha's body temperature up again.
I kicked off my sneakers and hobbled across the hall to the bathroom, where I tossed the bloody bandage in the garbage can and started a warm bath. I stripped out of my wet clothes and hobbled back to the bedroom, the pain in my feet only marginally less than the pain in my knee. On top of that, I still was sore and bruised from the fight with the cat two days before. Alyosha was lying where I had left him. Softly I called his name but there was no response. I bit my lip, leaned down, and gently picked him up. I held him close for a moment, my cheek against his silky black and silver hair.
Hobbling back to the bathroom, I thought that I seemed to be carrying him quite a lot the last couple of days. But I could do no less in return for his laying down his life for me; that he hadn't died from his injuries had more to do with luck than anything else. I owed him my life, and he had every right to ask for it.
Carefully I stepped into the tub, praying my knee would continue to support me. Sitting down while holding an unconscious person proved to be a challenge and finally I sat Alyosha down, supporting him while I eased myself down behind him. I leaned back in the tub stretching my legs out in front of me.
"Ahhh heaven," I sighed as hot water lapped up over my body.
I shifted Alyosha into my lap and laid him back against my chest. Ava and I used to bathe like this and I had a twinge of sadness at the memory. Bending my knees, I slid down further, silently grateful that my normally practical cousin Jake had had a larger tub than usual installed in his cabin. Water lapped up over my body and across Alyosha's hips.
Alyosha shuddered, a great spasm that splashed water out of the tub. With my right foot, I turned the water off and turned my attention to the boy lying on me. Gently I waved water up onto him and rubbed his arms and legs. Alyosha twisted his head to look at me.
"We both got a bit cold out there," I said softly.
"Yes," Alyosha reached a wet hand up to my cheek.
I was lost, I knew it then, caught in the web of love the slender boy had thrown at me. Thoroughly tangled and completely at his mercy, I ran my hand gently along his thigh, feeling the smooth, soft hair. Hair that was really more like fur in feel but not as thick as fur. I splashed water across him and he squirmed. I laughed and splashed him harder. He growled and in a lightening fast move rolled over, and straddling my hips, caught my hand in an iron grip. I held my breath, wondering what was going to happen next. I had no frame of reference to work with, he said he loved me but I had seen the wolf in his eyes and on his face more than once. Just how much control over that part of him did he really have, I wondered.
Alyosha smiled. Water streamed down his chest from his hair. With the cut on his side and the smaller cuts, scrapes and bruises, he looked like one of the ancient gods of war. He let go of my hand and placed his hands on my shoulders. Leaning forward he ran his tongue across his lips, he stopped close enough to feel his breath.
Water ran down his back and chest, conjuring up images of past baths. Some were very old from when he was young and some were more recent, times spent with others and times enjoyed on his own. Joash was looking at him, concern warring with fear on his handsome face. Alyosha was a predator, he liked the feeling of cornering his prey and watching the fear in it's eyes. However, this time he didn't want to see fear, he wanted to see love and the passion he had seen when they kissed.
"Joash," he said his lilting Scots - Irish accent washing over me softly. "I gave you my life and the blood that runs from my body freely. No matter what I said before, it was free and I want you to take it freely." He paused, his brows knitted together. "Make no mistake, I want you, but I want you freely not-," he paused again and frowned.
I tucked my fist under his chin and lifted it. Gold eyes bore deep into my own. Time so ancient I could barely comprehend it was written in those eyes.
"I'm not here because I feel obligated," I said and he nodded. "I'm here because I care and whether I'm falling in love with you or not, I am going to give you the best care that I can." I grinned at him. "Besides why waste water and my feet and legs were freezing!"
Alyosha laughed. I opened my hand and cradled his chin. He smiled again, a roguish smile that showed off his top canines. I raised my head and he lowered his smacking me squarely on the nose. I gave a yelp of pain and sat up, dumping Alyosha backwards onto his butt. Water splashed over the side of the tub.
Alyosha gave a yip of fear, then a growl of anger when he landed on his butt. I snickered at the look of injured pride on his face. Poor werewolf!
"I hate water!" He growled and held up his hands. "Two days in a row!"
I grinned, "Oh don't be such a baby or is it a cub?"
Alyosha tipped his head and smiled. Again, I was struck with how old his eyes were in such a youthful face. Was that how time marked itself on an immortal creature?
"My cublings," he said softly. " I wonder if any of them still live.." He shook his head. "I'm freezing, can I get out of this damned water now?"
We didn't get out immediately. I insisted on thoroughly washing his injuries and in turn, he scrubbed my back. I hadn't ever imagined I'd share such an intimate moment with anyone again, much less a wild half wolf changeling! And in between scrubbing each other, we kissed. Long sweet, exploratory kisses; I investigated every inch of Alyosha's mouth and he explored mine . I shivered at the sharpness of his canines and the sleekness of his tongue. My hands held his head close and I marveled at the softness of his hair even soaking wet.
Eventually the water turned cold and we were forced out of the tub. I wrapped a warm towel around Alyosha and pinned him against my body. He sighed and rested his wet head on my shoulder.
"See," he said softly. "That wasn't so painful, was it?" He rubbed his buttocks against my thighs teasing my semi-aroused cock. I groaned and twisted away.
"You need hot food in you and warm clothes," I said mock sternly. "You are in no condition for strenuous activity."
He twisted around in grasp and looked at me. His eyes sparkled in the light and his grin was full of mischief.
"Who says I have to do anything?" Alyosha ran his tongue across his lips. "You promised to take care of me!"
I laughed and pulled the towel up over his head. He squawked and tangled his arms in the towel trying to get it off. I grinned and dried myself. I hung my towel up and stretched: a giant bone popping stretch. Alyosha stared at me, his eyes wide and just the tip of his tongue showing between his lips.
"Bi' ha arnem," he whispered, and then shook his head. "You're gorgeous Joash."
I blushed and started to stammer, but he cut me off with a sharp gesture. He limped over to me and laid his hand along my jaw.
"I'm not in the habit of idly complimenting, no matter what you think. You ARE gorgeous," he said softly.
I blushed and whispered a thank you. This day was shaping up to be one odd moment after another. I was feeling pulled along by events I had ceased to have control over. I wasn't sure if that was a bad thing or not. As an artist, I was used to working nonsequentially and as the inspiration overtakes you. Still I felt awkward and suddenly hungry.
"I'm starving," I said then blushed because I hadn't actually meant to say that.
Alyosha grinned and offered up the opinion that he could eat a whole deer on his own. I told him I had no deer but if he didn't mind ham and eggs I had that.
"Well, if you insist," he said his eyes sparkling in mischief.
However, before breakfast could be approached, we both needed to get dressed. The cabin was far too cold to run around naked and I was not even remotely comfortable with the thought of staying naked! Not that nudity bothered me, but I wasn't yet at ease enough with the situation to be naked. So, I dressed in jeans, a sweatshirt and my spare set of sneakers.
For Alyosha, I dug through the closet and found a black long-sleeved sweater forgotten by Jake when he moved his stuff out. The sweater fit him a bit better than my sweatshirt had, though he had to roll up the sleeves. However, before putting it on I rewrapped his side wound. Alyosha watched me closely and when I finished, he looked up at me, his golden eyes deeply expressive of his love. I flushed and pulled the sweater over his head.
None of my jeans would fit his narrow waist, so I gave him the light blue pajama bottoms I had bought but never worn. They had a drawstring that once pulled at least kept the pants from falling completely off. However, I was grateful the sweater was long enough to cover his pubic region. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle an over sexed wolf boy in drawstring pants showing off his lower belly!
Clothing: it had been so long since he'd worn clothes and Alyosha missed his fur. However, these clothes were soft and loose, unlike the stiff, confining clothes he had last worn. He rubbed the sleeve of the sweater; it was soft as the fur a mother wolf used to line her den. He was almost cubling like in his pleasure at the cotton pants, such a beautiful color and the way they rode low on his hips: his last human lover would have been totally scandalized! As it was, so much belly showing embarrassed Joash, Alyosha pulled the sweater down and gave Joash puppy eyes. Joash laughed, filling Alyosha with cool pleasure.
Over breakfast, we got to know each other. I told him about my art, about Ava and my divorce. He told me about the mate he had had a very long time before, when he was a young Lirriin. She, too, had been a Lirriin.
"So long ago, I forget her name," he mused looking deep into his teacup. "But I remember our cublings, we had four." He looked up at me and smiled.
"Two females and two males. Odd that the only one I remember with any accuracy is the one I know for certain is dead." A shadow passed over his face. "My fragile, delicate little Maia."
Alyosha scowled at table, "She couldn't run when the hunters broke into our dens. Her back leg was wrong, she limped and when she Changed, she couldn't walk at all. I carried her on my back when she was Changed."
Alyosha looked up at me, his eyes glassy with tears. I reached out and caressed his cheek. He leaned into my hand.
"We had been so careful, always looking out for her. Making certain we hid well. All to no avail, they caught her and killed her." His lower lip shook and he bit it hard.
"Alyosha," I said softly. He looked down at the table.
"I tried to stop them, tried to protect my cubling, but the hunters stabbed me with a lance, pinning me to the ground. I heard her scream, then nothing. When I came to I was alone still pinned to the ground."
I murmured a soft expletive and brushed a tear off his cheek. He sighed and then looked up at me. Alyosha grasped my wrist and leaned against my palm again.
"I was able to get off the lance by Changing and in time my injury healed, but I was never able to find any trace of my family. My mate, my cublings gone. I buried what was left of my baby and left the area. I have never been back there. And I have never had a Lirriin mate or a female mate since then."
I slid off my chair and knelt on the floor beside his chair. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I held him tightly. His hand rested on my head, softly stroking my hair. After several minutes, I looked up at him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Alyosha shrugged, "It wasn't you and it was a very long time ago. I haven't thought of it for a very long time myself. All injuries heal and I will forget it again by tomorrow. That is the nature of time for a Lirriin."
"Still," he looked down at Cherie, "I wonder sometimes what she'd have been like had she lived." Alyosha sighed and leaned against the back of his chair.
"You're tired," I said softly. "You need sleep, the last two days have taken a lot out of you." I smiled and rocked back on my heels.
"After all, you're not exactly a cubling yourself!" I said bouncing to my feet to avoid Alyosha's playful swat.
Standing over him, I thought he looked so delicate but was much stronger than I had first expected. I shivered wondering what it was like to watch people around you die but not dying yourself. I remembered what he said the night before 'I was sure I would go to my ancestors tonight. But perhaps it isn't my time yet, after all.' Had he been looking forward to seeing his dead daughter? Goosebumps crawled down my back. Alyosha's eyes narrowed and he studied me intently.
"I'm sorry," I said running my hand through my hair. "It's just a lot to take in all at one time."
Alyosha nodded. I offered him my hand and he took it with a smile. Pulling him upright and into my arms was exhilarating and slightly unnerving. I still wasn't certain I wanted to fall in love with a male much less a werewolf! However, I couldn't deny that it felt wonderful to have him in my arms.
Tucking Alyosha into bed proved to be a bit harder than I had expected, as he kept insisting that I join him. Not for sex, just for a cuddle, I finally compromised by lying down beside him and holding him until he fell asleep. I think I must have drifted a little because I saw images of a small wolf and a small girl carried on a back. She was delicate with a small elfin face so unmistakably like Alyosha's.
I sat up in shock and looked down at him. Alyosha was asleep his face relaxed and free from pain, emotional and physical. I smoothed his hair back enjoying the feel through my fingers. Where did the dreams about his daughter come from?
I slid out of bed, careful to not disturb Alyosha. My head was full of images and my hand itched for my sketchpad. It had often aggravated Ava, this need to draw I possessed. Especially when the need would come up unexpectedly in the middle of doing something or at a time when she wanted attention. However, it was something primal in me, in my blood and I had to heed its call.
I didn't hear Alyosha come into the studio; I was so intent on drawing. He leaned against my back and wrapped his arm around my neck. I sat still for a moment, surprised at the yearning in me that simple gesture created. Perhaps I had been missing human company more than I thought. I relaxed against him and reached up to clasp his forearm.
"Sleep well?" I asked.
"Yes," he answered nodding. Silky hair stroked my cheek; I shivered.
"I dreamt.." his voice trailed off. He reached out with his free hand and turned the sketchbook towards him. "Kaa soth," he murmured, "My cubling. How?"
"I dreamed this face," I answered. "Same as I dreamed that one."
I pointed across the room to the carving of the wolf boy. Alyosha nodded and again I felt hair on my cheek. Alyosha's arm tightened around my neck and his forehead rested on my shoulder. I reached up and tangled my fingers in his hair.
"I sent you those dreams," he murmured into my shoulder. "But Maia? I haven't thought of her in a very long time."
"Maybe it's just my overactive imagination, I dreamed of a tiny girl with your face," I said softly.
Alyosha nodded against my shoulder. "She was tiny and looked like me, except that she like you, had hair the color of a sunset. As a wolf, she was russet and we called her 'fox changeling'.
Alyosha straightened up, "You will carve her? Make her live again, if only for a moment."
I nodded and twisted around in his grasp. I reached up and cradled his face in my hand. Suddenly, it didn't matter to me that he was a male. Or that he was something all my prior knowledge said could NOT exist. At that moment, he was a sad, grieving father who missed his child. I leaned forward and kissed him softly. He looked surprised and then smiled.
The rest of the day passed rather quickly. Alyosha stayed in the studio with me: watching me draw and occasionally asking questions or making observations. As twilight was settling across the valley, I guiltily ran out to the barn. Quickly I fed, brushed and cleaned out Pelka's stall. She was wary of the wolf smell and shifted nervously as I tended her. Cherie ran back and forth between the cabin and the barn barking and kicking up fresh snow. I chased her up to the house after settling Pelka for the night.
Light spread out across the clean snow and I looked up to see Alyosha standing in the doorway of the cabin. He was unearthly still, his arms crossed, but his eyes flickered a welcome. I stopped in surprise. It was the first time anyone had been there to welcome me and I felt a knot form in my throat. He blinked and smiled. I heard a wolf howl in my head and a soft whisper that said, "Welcome back. I missed you."
"I missed you too," I whispered.
Alyosha pushed off the doorframe and crossed the porch to the stairs. He held out a hand and I took it, feeling the long slender fingers through my gloves. I climbed the four steps never letting go of his hand. Pulling him close, I wrapped my arm around him.
"Let's go in where it's warm," I said hoarsely. Alyosha sighed softly.
We ate a small dinner in front of the fire and I discovered that he liked milk but loathed cheese. I also introduced him to mint flavored cocoa. He sniffed it and looked contemplative, then sniffed it again.
"Go on," I said laughing. "It won't bite you."
He grimaced at me, flashing his canines. I sat down behind him and wrapped my free arm around his belly. He leaned back against me.
"Drink it, just once," I whispered in his ear.
He smiled and tipped his head to the cup. He looked back up with a mouthful and for a moment, I thought he was going to spit it at me, but he swallowed it slowly. A slow grin spread across his face and I laughed.
"See, I told you it was good!"
Alyosha grinned and licked his lips then took another drink. He drained the cup and ran his tongue around the inside to get every drop. I laughed and took the cup away from him and made him another.
Curled up in front of the fire, wrapped in a couple soft blankets, gradually discarding clothes, we explored every inch of each other's bodies and soaking up as much heat as possible. It wasn't sex, not yet; instead, it was comfort and closeness. Alyosha was still very worn down by the hypothermia, and he lay beside me with his head on my chest. His fingers teased my thigh, while I told him about my teens and my mother and more about my need to disappear.
We slept there in front of the fire, rolled up in the blankets. I woke early in the morning, Alyosha's head was on my arm and Cherie was against his stomach with her head on both of us. I worked an arm out and scratched her ears. She twisted her head in pleasure. I pulled the blanket back up and drifted off to sleep again.
Alyosha woke up early, as was his habit. The blood was singing in his veins: a low dull thrum rippling down his body like electricity. He raised himself up on one arm and studied the sleeping red head next to him. Alyosha traced the contours of his face softly. It had been so very long since he had wanted to Change and even longer since he had felt so much love for anyone. He squinted into the embers of the fire, trying to bring the face of his last lover to mind. All he remembered was running out the door one day and never going back. He remembered stiff clothes and stiff manners, so unlike this one, who laughed easily and often.
Cherie butted him with her head and whined, pleading to go out. He shifted around and worked his way out of the entangling arms, legs and blankets. Cold creeped into his body and Alyosha eagerly pulled the sweater and soft pants on and then followed Cherie to the door. He still hadn't figured out the locking mechanism but the same spell he used the first time opened the door again. He followed Cherie out onto the porch. The snow had stopped falling and the valley shimmered in the morning sun. Alyosha sucked in a breath: to be the first to make a trail in a new field of snow! It had always been a cubling like pleasure for him to be the first. He glanced back at the door and sighed. Not now, not when he was so close to getting Joash to let go of whatever was holding him back.
Cherie barked at him from the base of the tree and he scooped up some snow and packed it firmly. His aim was true and she caught it with a growl of pleasure. He laughed; he was alive! He was happy, except for the nagging desire to run, to sniff, to check on the rabbits by the creek and the birds hiding in the thickets.
Lightly he sprang up onto the rail that ran along the edge of the porch. It was about three or four inches wide and made a comfortable perch to watch the sun rise. He longed to run with her, he ached to run with her but he feared that it would frighten Joash away. He hugged himself in frustration.
Morning found me alone on the floor. I stretched and wondered if the last two days were a dream. However, the returning ache in my muscles indicated that they had been no dream. I smiled and lay there feeling content and warm.
After about ten minutes, I started to wonder where Alyosha was and why Cherie wasn't asking to go outside. Rolling over, I stretched again and got to my feet. I wrapped a blanket around me and went in search of my wounded werewolf and my dog. I found them finally, outside. Alyosha, fully dressed, was perched on the porch rail watching Cherie run through the snow. His face was a mask of envy and desire, he wanted to Change and run with her. I crossed the porch ignoring the cold air and the cold porch boards. Carefully, I wrapped a blanket-clad arm around Alyosha. He leaned back against me and smiled.
"Good Morning," I said softly into his silver streaked hair.
"Morning," he said, his eyes never leaving Cherie.
"Why don't you go with her?" I asked. "Even I can feel your desire to Change back."
"It would frighten you," he said softly.
I turned his face towards me, "Sooner of later, Alyosha, I have to see it. I won't completely believe until I do."
Alyosha wrapped his arms around my neck and I threw the end of the blanket around him; then stepped back from the rail. He hopped lightly to the porch. Safe against me, wrapped in a warm blanket, I heard his heart beating. I tipped my head and nuzzled his neck and for the first time in months, I wasn't thinking of Ava. Instead, I was thinking of the slender long-limbed man in my arms and how good it felt to have him there.
Alyosha's heart pounded painfully. Joash had said, "Go with her." Alyosha studied the red head's face intently; there was no fear there, only concern and a touch of curiosity. Humans and curiosity: it was a wonder they hadn't destroyed themselves by their need to know everything! Alyosha stretched out to Joash, who wrapped him in his arms and a blanket. Joash's lips against his neck sent sparks of pleasure down his body.
He carefully touched Joash's mind. The big man was sincere and curious, disbelieving and enthralled all in one. He was pleased to have Alyosha in his arms but he knew what it was like to feel caged. That was something Alyosha's last lover hadn't understood. Alyosha was wholly neither human nor wholly wolf and to force him to stay one or the other was as good as caging him. Joash had tried to be something he wasn't to please someone he loved. He had tried very hard and failed: he knew what cages felt like.
Stretching up on his toes, Alyosha kissed me, and then stepped back out of my arms. He grasped the bottom of his sweater and pulled it up over his head. He handed it to me and started to untie the drawstring on his pants. I remembered untying it last night and sliding them off his narrow hips and felt my face heat up. He stepped out of the pants and handed them to me.
I swallowed nervously and wrapped the blanket tighter around me. Alyosha carefully untied the bandage and unwrapped the gauze slowly. He looked from his side to me. His gaze was wary but not afraid.
"I will become entangled in it," he said and I nodded, not knowing what to say.
He laid the pile of gauze on the porch rail and looked up at me. His eyes studied me intently. He reached out and laid his hand along my cheek. It felt strangely hot and I flinched. His eyes flickered in fear. I grabbed his hand and held it tightly between mine. Heat flowed off it and I looked at him puzzled.
"The Change makes heat," Alyosha said. "I am powering up to Change."
"Oh," I said feeling stupid.
He smiled and stepped back. He looked at me hungrily for a moment and then sadly as if he never expected to see me again. His hand rested hesitantly on the rail.
This was it; he either went forward or returned to the warm arms of his new lover. If he went forward and Changed would there be any going back for him. Would Joash still want him after seeing the wolf? He smiled sadly at Joash. Fear turned his stomach and threatened to cancel the heat of Change.
"Hurry back," I whispered, clutching at the clothes in my hand.
Pleasure cascaded over his body like new spring morning sunshine. Joash looked sad and happy, impossibly combined into one. Alyosha felt set free, as if a door he hadn't been able to pass through had suddenly sprung open. Joash wanted him to return!
His eyes lit up and he smiled. Alyosha bounded down the steps into the center of the yard. He threw his head back and stretched out his arms. A howl burst free of his diaphragm. The howl swelled up and rolled out across the valley and into the woods. Goosebumps raced down my back.
He started to glow: a sharp, piercing light that made me squint. As I watched, half in fascination and half in horror, Alyosha's body twisted and he dropped to his hands and knees. The shimmer increased and then suddenly as if a switch had been flipped it snapped in on itself. For a moment, it looked like a movie of a fire running in reverse. The light swirled back and coalesced into a dark shape. Out of the light stepped my wolf, gray and brown with the partly white face and tiny black mustache. A strip of bare skin down one side testified to the fight with the cat two days prior. I felt my knees turn to liquid and I sagged against the porch rail.
Heat raged down his limbs, Alyosha flung his head back and let out a howl of pleasure. Light roared up around him and he felt his body twist. Change was painful when very young but by now, he had learned to relax as his body rearranged itself into a wolf. His human senses blurred and his wolf senses sharpened. He could smell the forest, the creek; a bird perched on the top of the barn. His ears flicked and he listened to a mouse creeping under the porch. He howled again, he was alive!
The wolf raised its head and howled. A long heart wrenching sound that bounced off the nearby mountains. Cherie, ecstatic, ran around him and rubbed her head and body against his. She licked his face and he responded in kind.
After a couple minutes of affection, the wolf twisted away and with a short growl walked to the porch and stopped with his feet on the bottom step. Somehow, I managed to walk on shaking legs to the steps. I sat on the top one, tucking the blanket under my butt and around my legs.
"Alyosha?" I whispered.
The huge wolf nodded and stretched his head up towards me. I reached out and took his head in my hands feeling the thick fur and sturdy skull of a full-grown male wolf.
"Oh my God," I whispered. "It is true. You are a werewolf."
Alyosha tossed his head and licked my cheek. I ran my hands down the wolf's sides. Thick, coarse fur stroked my fingers and I shivered. I felt the rough edge of the claw marks on his side, injuries I had tended so diligently.
"Dear God," I thought, "I'm in love with a WOLF!"
"Joash," Alyosha's voice drifted through my head. I jerked my head up and looked around, but there was no one on the porch but wolf, the Cherie and me.
"Was that you?" I asked in a whisper.
The wolf licked my cheek again. I bit my knuckle and stared at him. Alyosha! My beautiful long limbed boy was a giant wolf with the power to rip out my neck with one bite! Alyosha whimpered and laid his head in my lap. I leaned forward until my forehead touched his neck. I felt tears slide down my cheeks and into his fur.
Fear and uncertainty warred across the red one's face. The wolf could smell the fear and he was frightened as well. Humans could be so uncertain, saying one thing and then denying it later. He whispered softly in the big man's head. The red one looked around puzzled. He looked at Alyosha with something akin to wonder.
"Was that you?" He whispered.
The wolf knew of no way to show the red one how he felt except to show him as one pack mate to another. He laid his head in Joash's lap, offering his neck in submission. The red one leaned forward and the wolf's nostrils were filled with his scent. Joash's head touched the wolf and he smelled the salty tears that tumbled into his fur. From behind him, he heard the kin, Cherie, whine. She wanted access to her human and was angry with Alyosha for upsetting him.
Cherie whined and strained to get to me. Alyosha shook and pulled his head out of my grasp. He backed up off the steps and looked up at me. His golden eyes were expressive. I reached out a hand to him and he licked my fingers. Alyosha turned and took two graceful long leaps towards the woods. He stopped and looked back at me.
He threw his head back and a long mournful howl rolled out and echoed across the valley. The wolf was declaring his love. I kissed my fingers and blew on them.
"Hurry back," I whispered as he loped up into the trees. "Oh, please hurry back!"
The wolf ran. He ran with the wind and the sun. He ran to the music of the trees and the mountains. He ran to be free and he ran to express his happiness. His ears were filled with the red one's voice, his nose full of his scent and the red one's taste on his tongue. Joash was his and his alone!
I watched him disappear into the trees. Fear teased at me: would Alyosha come back or would he forget? I sighed. Either way, I couldn't make him stay; I understood what it felt like to feel trapped. He would be back, or not, when he was ready. I had work to do and images to sculpt. And memories to give breath to.....
December 2, 2004
Revised July 22, 2006
Oh yeah, if anyone is interested, there are more of my writings on my domain at http://dragonstoryteller.com plus a pic of Alyosha in wolf form!