The following story is a work of fiction and does not represent any living person. The story contains sex between two consenting adult men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
--- Comments and feedback always welcome at mr_e08@hotmail.com. Also, thanks to everyone who sent feedback and to Lisa for editing this story.
Enjoy,
Ethan.
------------- Chapter 21 -------------
*** JORDAN ***
All I feel is rage. Fists clenched, eyes closed, jaw wired shut, I stand in the hallway seething. I never expected my conversation with Noah would go so badly. I never expected he would be so selfish.
"Jordan ..."
I open my eyes. Jenn is standing before me.
"What happened?" she asks with concern.
"Ask him," I say with acid in my voice.
I walk past her, not looking back.
*** NOAH ***
Just let him fuck you.
I repeat the phrase over and over and over.
Just let him fuck you.
Angry, insulted, infuriated ... none of these are the right words to express how I feel right now. My blood is boiling, my body shaking.
Just let him fuck you.
Who the fuck does Jordan think he is? How dare he insinuate I'm some sort of whore! How could he be so vile? We're in this mess because of him, not because of me. It was his plan to go to the gay club. If he had just listened to me and went slower there wouldn't be any video! He just kept pushing and pushing and pushing. I knew something bad would happen, I just knew it. But Jordan wouldn't listen. And now we are screwed. I can't let that video come out. I can't. I thought Jordan would understand that but he didn't! Instead he accused me of being a wimp, of being scared. I thought by now he would understand my life, understand the difficulties I face. He just doesn't get it.
"Hey ..." Jenn says walking in. "I just saw Jordan in the hallway. It looked like one of the nerves in his face was about to burst ... and you look exactly the same. What in the world is going on?"
"Jordan is a self-righteous, conceited ass who screwed everything up. That's what is going on."
*** JORDAN ***
Five months ago, on a day similar to this, I left Jenn's apartment in a hurry. I had just broken up with her and was on my way to see Noah. Back then, on that day in October, I had a destination in mind when I left. The difference today is that I have nowhere to go; I have no real place to call my home.
I wander the streets, going whichever way my legs take me. My steps are random, disorganized, sporadic. My movement erratic. After walking for what seems like an hour I end up in a familiar spot. Perhaps my brain was leading me here all along. I end up at the school gym, the place where it all started. It was on this volleyball court that I found Noah. It is here where I took that first step. Now it is volleyball and one of my teammates that is driving a wedge between us. I sit down on the bleachers to think.
"I'll drop out." I text back to the person who sent me the video.
I sit on the bleachers for a while. It calms me down, clears my head. I know where I need to go.
I make my way to Aiden's house. I'm hoping he is not at home. It will be a lot easier if he isn't. I just want to grab my bag (good thing I didn't unpack) and get out of there. I have a key so I'm able to enter on my own. At first there is no sign of him. Good. I pick up my bag and am just about to leave when I hear his voice.
"Hey, how did it go ..." He looks at the bag in my hand and his expression changes. "You going somewhere?"
Well there goes my plan of silently leaving.
"It went worse than expected."
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that man."
"Noah freaked out and then we had a huge fight."
"That sucks. What exactly did he say?"
"He demanded that I drop out. I know I shouldn't have, but I questioned him, which further escalated the fight. He blamed me for the video. He said I was forcing him to do things he didn't want to and to come out when he wasn't ready. He said I didn't understand what he was going through."
"Ouch. What did you say in response?"
"I asked him if he was ever going to come out or if I was just wasting my time. He said I was just wasting my time."
"He probably just said that because he was angry. I don't think he means it. How did you respond to that?"
"Um, not in the smartest way. Noah said he was going to talk to Sebastian about the video. I said I thought that was a bad idea, but he wouldn't listen ... so ... I said something I shouldn't have."
"What did you say?"
"I said if Sebastian doesn't listen to him, he should let Sebastian fuck him ... and then I slammed the door and left."
"Yeah, that probably wasn't the smartest thing to say ..."
"It wasn't. I know I shouldn't have said it. I was just so angry with him. It was stupid."
"I think you both just need some time to calm down. I'm sure in a day or two you can patch things up."
"I'm not sure we can," I say.
"Everyone says dumb things in the heat of the moment ..."
"But sometimes they tell the truth as well," I say interrupting.
"I don't think you should put too much weight on what Noah said. He was scared and angry and so were you. People say stupid things." He pauses for a moment. I think he can tell he isn't convincing me. "Look, I've only known Noah for a few months now, and I can honestly say I think he is crazy about you. He really cares about you and I know you care about him too. I would bet money that Noah wants to be with you. He was just scared and angry, trust me."
"I hope you're right."
"So what's up with the bag then? Where are you going?"
*** NOAH ***
I'm in no mood to rehash my argument with Jordan for Jenn, but she insists. I tell her about the video and the demand from Sebastian.
"So I ask Jordan to drop out, saying the video can't come out. I thought he would understand and would say the same thing. Instead he questions me!"
"What did he say exactly?"
"He said if everyone knew it wouldn't be such a bad thing. And besides only his face was visible so if I wanted, my identity would be protected. I told him he was being naive, people would connect the dots. I've told him countless times I'm not ready to come out yet. And instead of understanding, he has the audacity to accuse me of being scared, of being a wimp for not coming out."
"Did he say you're a wimp?"
"No. But I know he thinks it. Just because he is ready doesn't mean everyone has to be. I said I would try to talk to Sebastian, but he told me not to ..."
"I'm with Jordan on that one. Talking to Sebastian might not be a good idea ..." she starts to say.
"I know that. I know he is manipulative, trust me, I spent time with him. But what other choice do I have? This is my only option."
"Perhaps ... but you have to be very careful with him."
"You want to know the worst part? You know what Jordan said I should try if Sebastian won't listen?" The anger is back in my voice.
"What?"
"He said I should let him fuck me."
"Wow ..." Jenn looks taken back.
"Yeah. Like I am some damn whore. He knows how things ended with Sebastian. I can't believe he would be so insensitive. You don't know how angry that made me."
"I can imagine. I'm surprised he would say something like that. So what did you guys decide in terms of the video? Will Jordan drop out?"
"He says that was his plan all along."
"You sound like you don't believe him," she says.
"I don't know what to believe right now."
"So if he drops out, and the video doesn't come out ... then what's next then for you two?"
"Well, I'm not talking to Jordan until he apologizes for that remark."
"That's fair," she says.
"And we need to figure out where this relationship is going. It can't stay this way. We need to be on the same page, and if we're not then ..."
"Then what? Would you break it off?"
"I don't know. If he can't respect my needs then maybe."
*** JORDAN ***
I remember walking up this street not too long ago. It was last fall and I needed to get out of the city. Thoughts of Noah were driving me crazy. I wanted to get away from him so I could think. Now, here I am again a few months later, walking up the same street for the same reason. Again, I'm running away because of Noah.
I step up to the front door. Before I knock I take a deep breath to try and compose myself. I've gone over everything in my head a dozen times. This is the right thing to do. It is what I need to do. I need to be strong.
I knock on the door and wait. I have my keys with me this time, just in case. But I hear a noise. She's home.
"Jordan ..." my mother says as she opens the door. "What a wonderful surprise! I'm so glad to see you!" A smile spreads across her face. She leans in and hugs me.
"Hi Mom," I say trying to smile back at her. But my weak smile starts to crumble. My defences fail. My strength evaporates. Wrapping my arms around my mother is all it takes. In the comfort of her warm embrace, I do something I rarely do. I cry.
——
By the time I wake up it is late in the evening. I don't even know what time I dozed off. All I remember is coming home, seeing my mom and crying. Seeing her just opened the floodgates. I said to her I was going to go use the washroom and wash my face. I think I sat down on my bed for a few seconds just to relax, and the next thing I know I am waking up at midnight.
I make my way down into the kitchen. My mother is at the table. Dinner is still sitting there.
"Hi," I say walking into the room.
"Hey. How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay."
"Are you hungry? I can warm you up a plate."
"Have you eaten already?"
"No. I was waiting for you."
"Oh, I'm so sorry Mom. You should have eaten."
"It's okay. I wanted to wait. Plus I don't think I could swallow a bite," she says getting up to grab plates. "I'm very worried about you. What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Everything is fine Mom."
"Jordan, obviously something isn't right. You show up out of the blue and then start crying. I don't remember the last time you cried in front of me. Is it your health?"
"My health is fine. I'm 100 per cent completely okay."
"Okay." She seems a bit more at ease. "You know you can tell me anything."
"I know." The reason I took the long five-hour bus ride to see my mom was to tell her the truth. I realized I was being a hypocrite for telling Noah to come out to his family, yet I hadn't done so myself. I don't have anything to hide from my mom. The problem is I just don't know where to start. "I came home because I really miss you and I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Okay," she says sitting back down. The look of concern is back on her face.
"I've met someone. Someone really special to me ... someone I'm in love with ... someone I want to spend the rest of my life with." I start off here so she knows just how serious this is.
"Jordan, that's wonderful!" she says, a smile finally on her face. "I'm so happy for you! That's great news ..." Her smile starts to fade when she sees my facial expression hasn't changed. "What's the matter? Does she not feel the same way?"
"No, they do."
"Then?"
I thought about giving this long, dramatic speech explaining how I slowly started to have feelings for a guy. I practiced it a dozen times on the bus. It's all I did for five hours. I have the words almost memorized. But sitting here looking at her, I realize I don't need to. If there is one person in this world who understands me, it is her. At then an idea comes to my head. I reach into my pocket and take out the picture of Noah and me, the same one I gave him on our anniversary. I was looking at it most of the way here so it is still in my pocket. I hand it to her upside down so she can read the message on the back first. I say a small prayer at the same time. I can't help being nervous.
"Forever yours," she reads out loud. She then turns the picture around. Her eyes widen. "Oh."
"His name is Noah."
She looks up at me. The smile returns to her face. "You two look perfect together."
I wasn't expecting her to be angry, but that wasn't the reaction I was expecting either. A huge sense of relief washes over me. I can't help myself. For the second time that day tears roll down from my eyes. She leans forward and hugs me.
"Thank you," I mumble in between tears.
"I love you Jordan and always will, no matter who you love."
It only takes me a few seconds to regain my composure. I lean back in my chair. "So you're not angry?"
"Angry?! Why in the world would I be angry? I am surprised. I had no idea that you were, that you liked men, but why would I be angry?"
"I just thought maybe you wouldn't be okay with it."
"Jordan, I love you with all my heart. You are the world to me. All of this, everything I do, is for you, for your happiness. And if he makes you happy, then that's all I need. But something tells me there is more going on here."
She is a smart lady. "There is. We had a really big fight about our relationship and about coming out. His mom is visiting and he pretty much wanted to hide me. He pointed out that I hadn't told you yet either and I realized he was right. I realized you have a right to know, and at the same time, that I want you to know. I shouldn't hide something like this from you. The problem is I'm not sure Noah will ever tell his parents, which makes me wonder what future we have."
"How did you think I would react when you told me?"
"I wasn't completely sure, but I thought you would be okay with it."
"Did you entertain the thought I wouldn't?"
"I did."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Scared."
"Why?"
"Because you're my mom and I love you and I want you to accept me for who I am."
"So how do you think Noah feels?"
"Scared. I understand that Mom and I'm not saying he has to come out today, but eventually he will have to if he wants to be with me."
"Jordan, you've always been a courageous, brave young man. You've always been a risk taker; you don't think about the consequences first. But that is who you are and you can't expect everyone to be like you. I don't know Noah and I don't know his circumstances, but you have to give him time and space. I know with your support and your help that he'll come around."
"I really hope you're right."
*** NOAH ***
"You look distracted," my mom says to me.
"What?" I say zapping back to reality. We're walking to Jenn's house for Sunday dinner.
"You look distracted."
"Oh, no, just thinking about school stuff."
That's a lie. I'm thinking about that damn video. That's all I've been thinking about this weekend. I can't figure out how I should approach Sebastian. I don't want to text him or ask him to meet up. I know this is a bad idea. Jordan and Jenn are right; I can't trust Sebastian at all. I need to be very, very careful.
"Hey! Welcome, come on in!" Jenn says opening the door.
"Thanks for having us. This is for you," my mom says handing over a cake.
"That was very nice of you, thanks. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Sit down, relax. Can I get you a drink in the meantime?"
"I'm alright, thanks dear. Will it just be the three of us today?" my mom asks.
"No, we're waiting for one more person."
I give Jenn an inquisitive look. Who else could possibly be coming? I'm pretty sure it is not Jordan so that only leaves Aiden. But I can't imagine he would come alone. I ask Jenn at the first opportunity I get.
"Who else is coming?"
"Aiden."
"Why would he come?" I ask in a lowered voice.
"Because I asked him to. He called this morning to say he thought it was best he didn't come because, well you know why. But I felt bad for him and so I forced him to join us. Have you managed to talk to Sebastian yet?"
"No. I'm having second thoughts if I should ..."
"If I were you I would stay clear of him. He's trouble."
"I know, I've been going back and forth ..."
I stop when I hear a knock at the door.
"That's probably Aiden," Jenn says moving towards the door. "Hey, thanks for coming!"
"Thanks for having me. This is for you." Aiden hands her a bouquet of flowers. "You said not to bring dessert, but I didn't want to come empty-handed."
"Thank you, they're beautiful. And I must say you're looking quite spiffy today," she says.
Aiden is wearing dark jeans that fit him perfectly with a snug white collared shirt. His top two buttons are open, showing a bit of smooth skin. He's topped his ensemble off with a vest, and thick-rimmed glasses. He also has just a little bit of facial hair growing, enough to make him look groomed, yet scruffy at the same time. "Thank you."
"I didn't know you wear glasses," I say.
"I don't. They're non-prescription. Just trying to go for a new look. And this must be your mother. It is a pleasure to meet you. I'm Aiden." He extends his hand out with a big smile.
One thing about Aiden is he is very amicable and friendly. He comes across as everyone's best friend. He's always laughing; I don't think I've ever seen him without a smile on his face.
"It's nice to meet you. Do you study with Noah and Jenn?"
"Um, no. I actually go to school in Australia. I'm just here on a co-op placement."
"Oh, so how do you all know each other?" my mom asks.
"I met Aiden through a mutual friend," Jenn says.
Yeah, my boyfriend I mutter to myself.
"Sorry what was that Noah?" my mom asks.
"Oh nothing." Oops.
Dinner goes by smoothly. The food is really good. Jenn jokes about her cooking skills, but she actually is a good cook. She won't admit that because then she wouldn't be able to force me to help her. Most of the conversation is carried on by Jenn and Aiden. Both are very talkative. Aiden charms my mom. I think by the end of the meal she is in love with him.
"He's cute," my mom says to Jenn the minute Aiden gets up to use the washroom. "You two seem to really hit it off."
"Oh, it's not like that," Jenn says. Is she blushing? Wow.
"I may be old, but I'm not stupid. I think he likes you. And I'm pretty sure you like him."
"He's just a friend," Jenn says with a smile. "I'm just going to grab dessert." I can tell that is her excuse to get away.
"I'll help you," I say.
"Well that was awkward," Jenn whispers to me so my mom doesn't hear us.
"You're not fooling anyone," I whisper back.
"Did you not see how he looks today! Well of course you did," she says with a wink. "He is making this not-dating-my-ex's-best-friend pledge very difficult."
"I wish I could have a moment alone with him so I could find out more about what's going on with Jordan."
"Well, I can try to arrange something."
"What do you have up your sleeve?" I ask.
"Just watch and learn. Here grab the cake and take it to the table."
"Sure."
As I set the cake down on the table Aiden joins us.
"Hey Noah, can you do me a favour?" Jenn asks me. "I just realized I'm out of milk. Can you run out and grab some, please? There is a small shop just around the corner that should be open."
"Yeah, not a problem," I say. So how is she going to get Aiden out of the house now?
"I'll join you," Aiden says.
Well I guess that was easier than expected. The two of us walk out of the building in silence. I'm not really sure what to say to Aiden. I want information but I don't want to be direct.
"Your mom's really nice," Aiden says.
"She likes you. Your charm has won her over."
"I hope you don't mind that I came today."
"Not at all, why would I mind?"
"Because I know you didn't want Jordan to come."
"He told you what happened I assume?"
"Yeah, but not in detail," Aiden says. "Have you spoken to him since?"
"No."
"Oh. Well, he texted the person that he is dropping out of the race."
"Oh." Good. At least he kept his promise.
"The person just responded with `I knew you'd make the right choice'. Jordan asked about the video but didn't get a response back."
"Did he ask you to tell me this?"
Aiden hesitates for a moment. "Yes."
So that is why I guess he wanted to join me. Jordan is using him as his proxy.
"Well thanks for telling me."
"Look, I don't want to interfere in your affairs, but I just want to say he really cares about you. I know Jordan can come across as really intense sometimes, but that's just because he is a passionate guy. When he really cares about something, or someone, he gives it his all. And I know sometimes he says stupid things in the heat of the moment, but he doesn't mean them."
"You're a good friend Aiden."
"I try to be. Look, when Jordan is back, if I can be of any help let me know. I care for both of you and want to see both of you happy."
"What do you mean when he is back?" I ask.
"He went to see his mom yesterday."
"Oh." Interesting. I had no idea he was planning on going back. Did he go to tell his mom about us? "When does he come back?"
"I don't know. He didn't say."
After we grab a carton of milk we make our way back to Jenn's place.
"So Aiden, did you find anyone special while you were here?" my mom asks.
Great, my mom is about to play matchmaker.
"I did actually," he says.
What? I look over at Jenn. I can see the disappointment in her face. She's trying her best to hide it.
"That's wonderful," my mom says. I can see she just realized her matchmaking plan is a dud.
"I'm actually going on a date with him tonight," Aiden continues.
I'm sorry, what? Both Jenn and I perk up. Did Aiden just say he is seeing a guy? What the hell?
"Oh." My mom's facial expression changes rather quickly. Her smile is gone.
"Yeah. He's a really great guy. We met a few days ago," Aiden says.
No one says anything. The mood in the room changes drastically. My mom looks revolted. Jenn looks confused and dumbfounded. I try to change the topic.
"So, any suggestions guys on what sights I should take my mom to see tomorrow ..."
The conversation drags on from there. Aiden tries to engage my mom, but she doesn't really talk to him. She barely answers his questions. She isn't being outright rude, but she isn't being friendly either. All it took was one little announcement. After about 20 minutes Aiden asks to take his leave.
"Jenn, thank you so much for dinner. And ma'am it was a pleasure meeting you," he says with his hand extended out, and with that million dollar smile.
"Yes," my mom says rather coldly. She doesn't shake his hand.
"Jenn, Noah. I'll see you later."
Well, that was interesting. And odd.
——
"Did you enjoy dinner?" I ask my mom as we walk back home.
"I did. Jenn cooked a lovely meal."
"And what did you think about Aiden?" I ask out of curiosity. Her demeanour noticeably changed when Aiden made his announcement. My mom has never met a gay' man before. I put the word gay' in quotations because I'm pretty sure Aiden doesn't like other men. The more I think about it, something tells me that was a social experiment on his part. Was it his idea or Jordan's?
"I didn't like him at all. He seemed fake. You shouldn't hang around people like him."
"What do you mean people like him?" I ask.
"His people. Anyway, about tomorrow, I have to be at the airport ..."
My heart sinks. His people. She actually means my type of people. If only she knew the truth.
When I get home I take out my phone. I know what I have to do.
"Hey. I was wondering if we could meet up on Monday night for coffee?"
And send.
This is the right thing to do. This is the right thing to do. This is the right thing to do.
If I keep telling myself that than maybe I'll eventually believe it. Maybe.
*** JORDAN ***
It was a short visit but I'm glad I went back home. Telling my mom about me was the right thing to do. I feel liberated. We had a great weekend. Sunday my mom called in sick to work, something she never does, so she could spend the day with me. She hadn't planned on making a big Easter meal, since she was going to be working, but we put something together. It was nice. It was exactly what I needed. It was the reset I was looking for. I had another long talk with my mom about where I am in my life, in terms of school, my career, my relationship. It really helped me refocus on my priorities. I'm packing up my bag when my phone rings.
"Hey Aiden," I say.
"Hey Jordan. How are you doing?"
"I'm good."
"Feeling better now?"
"Yeah I am, thanks for asking. It was good to get away. I told my mom about Noah."
"Oh, and how did she react?"
"Barely reacted at all. She was happy for me. It was better than I thought it would be. So how was dinner on Sunday?" Aiden had asked me before going to make sure I was okay with it. I told him I was. I wanted to get his impressions on Noah's mom.
"It was good. Jenn's a good cook."
"And how was Noah's mom?" This is what I'm really after.
"She seems like a nice lady, but a bit too involved in the lives of her children."
"Yeah, that's what Noah says. What did she do?"
"Just a lot of questions. She seems like the meddling type. I think she was trying to set me and Jenn up at one point."
"Did she succeed?" I ask with a laugh.
"Nope. I think she probably would have, but I threw cold water on her plan. I told her I was already in a relationship ... with a guy." He puts a lot of emphasis on the last word.
"What? Why? Did I miss something in the two days I've been gone?"
"No, you didn't miss anything. It was a test. I wanted to see how she would react."
Ah, smart guy. "And?"
"It wasn't good man. Before she really seemed to like me, who doesn't, right? But then when I made my announcement she became really cold and distant. She wouldn't even shake my hand when I left. It's as if I would have given her some disease by touching her. I can see why Noah is afraid to tell her. I think she is homophobic."
"So Noah's fear is legit then."
"I'm afraid so."
I never doubted Noah when he said his parents are not very open. But still, hearing it from Aiden too really drives the point home. Maybe I was too hard on him?
"That really sucks," I say.
"Yeah."
"He's really close with his family."
"Yeah, I figured from that dinner," Aiden says.
"So what do you think that means?"
"Well, I think ..."
"Hey Jordan," my mom says knocking on the door, "we have to go or you'll be late."
I nod towards her. "Hey Aiden, sorry man, I gotta run. I'll be back in town by about five o'clock. Is it cool if I come back to your place?"
"Absolutely man, stay as long as you need."
"Thanks. Oh, and by the way, how did Noah and Jenn react to your news?"
"They looked surprised and really confused initially. But I'm sure they figured it out by now."
"I bet Jenn was a bit disappointed too."
"Why?" he asks confused.
"What are you blind? She likes you."
"What? No."
"Ah, you're totally clueless man. Anyway, talk later!"
I grab my bag and run downstairs. My mom is waiting at the door.
"So, have you decided on what you're going to do in terms of Noah?" my mom asks when we are in the car.
I told my mom the fight was about coming out, but not the whole details about the video.
"I'll talk to him," I say. I've thought a lot about our fight the last two days. While I know Noah was wrong, I think I could have handled it better. And knowing now about just how tough things are with Noah's mom, perhaps I shouldn't have pushed him as much. Plus I know I have to apologize for my comment about Sebastian.
"I think that is a good idea. I know you want this relationship to move at a faster speed, but give him some time, and I'm sure he will come around. So when do I get to meet him?"
"You want to meet him?" I say.
"Of course I do, why wouldn't I?"
"You've never really asked to meet anyone I was dating before."
"You know me; I don't like to meddle. But this is different. I want to meet the guy who stole my son's heart."
"Well, you'll have to come down to the city with me then," I say.
"We could talk over the phone, or better yet on Skype one day."
"Well, let me first patch things up with him, then I'll look into that."
Noah meeting my mom ... that would be interesting.
*** NOAH ***
I can't say I really enjoyed the last day of my mom's visit. I took her to some of the popular sights around town and to the mall to do some shopping. It was a beautiful day, but my heart just wasn't in it. It was still healing from the day before. Was I surprised at how my mom acted? No. Was I expecting something different? Not really. I know she has a very backwards view on homosexuality, but still seeing her act that way in front of Aiden was disappointing. I thought she would at least be amicable in front of him. Why did just one fact, one tiny fact about his life, which isn't even true, change the way she felt about him? Why did it bother her that he said he was dating a guy? How did that affect her in any way? It didn't, and yet she couldn't get past that. And if she treats him that way, how will she treat me, her son? Perhaps it would have been a good thing if Jordan was there. He could have seen what I'm dealing with.
I know I shouldn't bring up the topic again but I can't help myself. I purposely make us walk through the gay village. You can't miss the rainbow flags and the posters of bare-chested men on light posts.
"Noah, I told you, you should avoid areas like that," she says once we are out of the main area.
"Areas like what?" I say playing dumb.
"You know what I mean."
"No I don't." I want her to say it.
"The area with those kind of men."
"What kind of men?"
"Noah, you know what I mean," she says angrily.
"It was a shortcut. Otherwise we would have had to walk around and that would have taken us 10 minutes."
"You should go around, 10 minutes isn't a lot."
"Why?"
"Because I said so Noah."
"That's not an answer. What's so wrong with walking down a street that happens to have some gay shops and bars on it?"
"Someone might see you there and think you approve of that lifestyle."
"Mom, I think that is a bit of a stretch. And what's wrong with that lifestyle?"
"It's wrong, it's against God's will. Don't tell me you approve of it?"
"It doesn't bother me. I have gay friends. You met Aiden the other day."
"Yes, and I told you to stop hanging out with him."
"Or what, he'll rub his gayness off on me too?" I ask sarcastically.
She looks my way with a stern face. "He is a bad influence. And you don't know what kind of diseases they have."
Oh, you have got to be kidding me. "Not all gay men have AIDS."
"Don't argue with me; I'm your mother."
When she doesn't have a real argument to make, she always resorts to that. I drop the subject. There is no point. I'm not going to win her over.
I'm in a foul mood the rest of the day. It only improves when I see my mom walk through security at the airport. The nightmare trip is finally over. It's been a terrible week. It's left me feeling even more miserable than before. Now I have to go have another dreadful conversation.
—
"I'm surprised you texted me," Sebastian says to me from across the table.
We're meeting at a local coffee shop. I texted him after Sunday dinner. He replied back that he was free on Monday night. I came here right from the airport.
"I thought it would be nice to catch up," I say.
He gives me a look to indicate he knows I am lying. "We haven't spoken for months and every time we've been in the same room you've ignored me. So why do you want to catch up now?"
"The last time we spoke was when you came and found me in the library. Do you remember what you said to me back then?" I ask him.
"Um, not really. I think I told you about Jordan seeing Kate."
"That's right, you did. But you also came for another reason. You came to bury the hatchet. You apologized for what happened but I turned you away."
"Sounds about right," he says.
"Well I want to apologize for that. I too want to bury the hatchet, if it is not too late."
I figure this is my best shot at keeping the video hidden, by trying to mend fences. I don't want to directly ask him about the video. I have a feeling if I do he will just lie. But what if he didn't send it? I don't want to give him any ammunition either.
"Why now?" he asks me.
"Because I've been reflecting a lot on this past year. You really helped me a lot in terms of dealing with my personal issues and I don't think I treated you as well as I should have. It's now the end of the school year and you're graduating soon. I don't know if our paths will ever cross again and I don't want to part ways on bad terms and regret that later on in life."
"Well, I don't want to part ways on bad terms either."
"So does that mean you accept my apology?" I ask.
"It does."
"Thank you."
"So now that we've gotten that out of the way, why don't you tell me why you really called me here."
"I'm sorry? I don't know what you mean." Crap.
"Noah, you know exactly what I mean. You called me here because of Jordan."
*** JORDAN ***
I can't concentrate. All I keep thinking about is my volleyball meeting and then seeing Noah after that. I texted him last night to meet up tonight after volleyball. He agreed. Right now I'm heading for the team meeting. I just want to get this over with. I know my teammates are going to ask why I changed my mind and I honestly don't want to have that conversation. I know what I am going to say, but still I know some of them will be disappointed. Then there is the whole question of if it will be enough to stop the video from coming out. Will me dropping out placate Sebastian, or is he so vindictive that he will send out that video anyway? If he doesn't, then I think I can salvage what I have with Noah, but if he does, then I am not sure I can.
"So, feeling confident today?" One of my teammates asks me.
"I'm feeling sleepy," I say not answering the question.
"Crazy long weekend?"
"Yeah, just busy with school and, you know, with exams coming up."
"I know what you mean."
I have similar conversations with a few other teammates. Like the one before, I don't really answer the question. The coach has a few announcements before he gets to the team positions. Unfortunately captain is last. Sebastian is here as well of course. But he doesn't look at me or acknowledge me in any way. The only time he looks my way is when the coach says who is up for team captain.
"So, Jordan and Chris are vying for Team Captain," the coach says. Chris of course is Sebastian's friend.
"Actually Coach, I've decided to withdraw my name," I say.
My friends on the team look surprised.
"Oh," the coach says. He also looks taken by surprise. I think he too wanted me to have the position. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
I look over at Sebastian. He has this smug look on his face. I didn't need confirmation it was him who sent the video, but the look on his face is confirmation enough. There were only two people in the race, so Chris wins by default. After the meeting I try to take off as quickly as possible but my friends catch up to me.
"What was that?" one of them asks me.
"Why did you throw in the towel?" another one chimes in.
"I figured school will just be crazy busy next year ," I say, "and I am not sure I can handle the added responsibilities. Plus Chris is a great guy ..."
"No he isn't," one of them cuts me off. "He's terrible!"
"You don't know that," I say.
"We do. He's arrogant and rude. You would have made a great captain."
"Thanks. But there is always fourth year," I say.
"Fourth year will probably be even busier than third year!" one of them correctly points out.
"I'm sorry I let you down guys," I say.
"Don't worry man. You'll just have to suffer with us next year. Are you going to join us for some drinks?"
"I can't. I have a lot of work to do. Let's meet up after exams," I say.
"For sure."
One meeting down, now to the next. It's the next one I am even more nervous about.
*** NOAH ***
The apartment feels empty. It feels wrong, like something is missing. It is eerily quiet in here. I've always loved living here, loved living in this city. But tonight this place doesn't feel like home.
At exactly 7 o'clock he knocks on the door.
"Hey," I say in a mellow tone.
"Hi," Jordan says.
"What happened to your key?"
"Oh, I figured, maybe, um, it would be better to knock."
He seems nervous. His tone is also soft, conciliatory in a way.
"Come in."
We sit down on separate couches across from one another.
"How was your mom's visit?" he asks.
"It was alright." That is an understatement. "How was your trip back home?"
"It was good. Spur of the moment thing."
"Why did you go back?" My heart is pounding.
"I went back to tell my mom about us. I realized I was being a hypocrite telling you to come out yet at the same time I hadn't. So I told her that I'm gay."
"What did she say?"
"Nothing. She was fine with it. She was happy for me, for us."
"Hm, you're lucky."
"I am. And I know now that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Aiden told me about your mom. I am sorry for pushing you to come out Noah. I want you to be comfortable and happy. And from now on I will always try my best to make sure you are comfortable and happy. Also, I am really sorry for the comment I made about Sebastian. That was out of line and I shouldn't have said it."
"No you shouldn't have. But I understand you were angry. I know I shouldn't have demanded that you drop out and I should have trusted you. I was wrong too. I'm sorry."
"I did drop out. I just had my volleyball meeting."
"I'm sorry you had to do that." My hands are sweating.
"If it means being with you than I'd do it again. Did you end up talking to Sebastian?"
"Yes," I say.
"What did he say?"
"He won't release the video."
"So he admitted it was him?"
"No," I say.
"I don't understand. How can you be sure then that he won't release the video?"
"I just am. You'll have to trust me on that."
"Okay. If you say so than I trust you."
"Thank you." I'm struggling to breathe.
"I've really missed you these past few days," he says.
"I've missed you too." I feel faint. I can't look at him.
"So does this mean that everything is okay with us then?" he asks.
I pause for a moment. I keep my eyes on the floor. This is going to be harder than I thought.
"I really do love you Jordan," I struggle for air. I have to stay strong. I can't cry.
"And I love you too," he says getting up from the coach. He kneels down beside me and takes my hands in his. "What's wrong?"
My body feels limp. "Jordan ... it's over ..."
— End of Chapter 21.
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