The following story is a work of fiction and does not represent any living person. The story contains sex between two consenting adult men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
Thanks to everyone who sent me an e-mail. I always appreciate hearing from you all. Good or bad reviews are always welcome at mr_e08@hotmail.com.
Thanks to Lisa for editing this chapter.
Ethan.
------------- Chapter 24 -------------
*** NOAH ***
It is through hardship that we find courage. Through fear, we find strength. Through sorrow, we learn of humanity. It is through adversity that we learn who truly loves us.
Today it is my turn to see if true, unconditional love really exists.
On the table in front of me is one of my most cherished possessions. It is a token of who I am and who I, for so long, wanted to be. It is a glimpse of a time when I was happy, a portrait of what my life could have been. Framed in the photo is the man I still to this day love. It is the picture Jordan gave me on Valentine's Day. Now from a priceless memory it may turn into the match that burns everything that I hold dear.
"Care to explain what this is?" my mom asks.
"It's a picture of my former boyfriend and me," I say in a calm voice. There is no point hiding the truth now. It's done. The match is lit. Now I wait to see what burns.
"Your boyfriend?" she blurts out in shock, her face twisted with disgust. "Don't say such stupid things."
"We dated for several months."
My mother cringes. My dad's face is stern, his eyes fixed on me.
"Are you out of your mind?" my mom yells.
Her words hit me straight in the heart. I knew this was coming, but I'm still not prepared for it.
"No, I'm not. I ... I like guys."
"This is no joking matter, Noah," my mom says.
"It's not a lie ... it's the truth." Again my voice is calm and collected, steady, easy.
"It's all those gay people you hang around with that have corrupted your mind; I knew they were a bad influence. You don't know what you're talking about. This is sinful. It's disgusting. Homosexuals go to hell, Noah. Think of what God would say!" My mom is hysterical.
"This is the way God made me."
"Don't say such foolish things and use the Lord's name with such disregard. This is a choice, you chose to be this way," my mom says. My father still hasn't said a word.
It is like all that love that she had for me over the years is gone. It is clouded by her ignorance.
"I didn't choose to feel this way," I say looking up at them, my voice not as steady anymore. "The choice I made was to try and be straight, to try and fit in. For a long time I tried to be someone I'm not. The choice I made was to put your happiness in front of mine. I broke up with Jordan because of that. I came back here because I wanted so badly to try to be straight." The emotion is rising in my voice. "You don't know how hard I tried. I gave it my all. It messed with my head, took me down dark paths in my mind. It made me question my self-worth, my sanity." I am now almost at the point of tears. "But it didn't work. I was miserable. I AM miserable. I didn't choose to be gay. It's who I am."
There it is, my soul, bare on the table for the world to see. If they truly love me, they'll support me.
"This is only a phase. With prayer and support you'll get through this," she says.
Instead of support she stabs me with a knife.
"I can't change who I am." Tears are now flowing down my face.
"You'll have to," she says. "What are our friends going to say? We won't be able to show our faces anywhere anymore!"
"What does it matter what others think? Society is never happy for anyone else —"
My mom cuts me off: "But we have to live in society —"
I cut her off: "Shouldn't your son's happiness trump all that? I foolishly thought that was what mattered ..."
"Talk some sense into your child," my mom says looking at my dad.
"What do you want me to say? I can't say I'm happy with all this. It isn't what I wanted for you. You've disappointed me. Think about your future. Don't you want to get married, have children, get a good job? This isn't the lifestyle you want. All you need is to find a girl and you'll get all of this out of your head," my dad says.
You are the true disappointment, I think to myself.
"And from now on you're coming with me every week to church," my mom says. "We will ask for guidance and God will help us. We will get you the best therapist there is."
I wipe the tears from my face. I need to be strong. "What happens if I don't change?"
"You WILL change," my mom says.
"But what if I don't? What if I don't want to?" I ask again.
"You'll have to. We won't support this type of disgusting behaviour," my mom adds. Before I know it she has the picture in her hands. She tears it into two.
"No!" I yell stretching out my hand to stop her. But I'm not quick enough. She shreds it into pieces. I am in disbelief.
"I won't have a fag living in my house." She throws the shredded pieces onto the table and walks out.
My dad gets up slowly from his chair. "Think about your future, and your family. This isn't just about you. We can help you get through this. We are on your side. The choice is yours." He walks out as well.
Unconditional love doesn't exist.
*** JORDAN ***
I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, I've seen many cute guys. I've flirted with a few at clubs and bars, and a few have flirted back. But when I saw him sitting at the bar with a group of friends my heart skipped a beat. I looked back instantly. There was just something about him, something different. The first thing I noticed was his smile, and the dimples on his face. He looked smart in his suit and tie, with his somewhat long hair slicked to the side. I couldn't help but stare at him.
I saw him last night at a bar I was at with my friend. It wasn't a gay bar, but it is gay friendly. Over the past few weeks I've started telling my friends that I am gay. I haven't gone around proclaiming it to everyone, prancing in the streets; I'm not that kind of guy either. Well, I have once pranced in the streets, but that's a whole different story. But if it came up or someone asked about my dating life then I told them. It pretty much spread from there rather quickly; people like to gossip. It felt liberating telling the first few people, my secret out into the world. Most didn't even bat an eye, or care. It was just another fact thrown into the mix. Sophia found out as well. I'm not sure who told her. But her advances stopped, which is good. She made a joke about how she was sort of barking up the wrong tree, but other than that we still interact in the same way.
So, there I was at this bar with my friend when I noticed him. I couldn't help but look back and when I did, I noticed he too was staring at me. Our eyes met and he smiled. I smiled back. I felt like a love-struck teenager! I was excited and nervous. When my friend got up to use the washroom, I noticed the guy look my way. He smiled at me again, and I smiled back. There was no harm in trying, right? He walked over towards me. I was giddy with excitement. Play it cool Jordan, I told myself.
"May I?" he asked pointing towards the chair.
"Of course," I said.
He sat down across from me. "I wanted to get a better look at those beautiful eyes."
I remember blushing and saying "Thanks."
"I'm Brody."
"Jordan."
"It's nice to meet you. I haven't seen you here before."
"It's only my second time here," I said.
"Ah, makes sense. I'm pretty sure I would have noticed you."
"Do you come here often?"
"I work just across the street. My friends and I usually come here sometimes after work to grab a drink."
"What do you do?" He doesn't look that old. Seems like he very well could still be in university.
"I'm one of those soulless bankers," he laughed.
"I'm sure bankers have souls too. Somewhere, deep, deep, deep down inside," I said with a smile.
He just looked at me and grinned. "Saving the world through bonds and securities, your everyday hero, that's me. What do you do?"
"I'm a student. I just finished my second year of university."
"Ah, the student life. I miss it. But not the part where you have to pay so much in tuition! What are you studying?"
"Life sciences."
"Nice. Plan to be a doctor one day?"
"I hope so," I said.
"Well, see there is the true hero."
"Perhaps, unless I just go after money and become a plastic surgeon."
"I'm sure they do good work, it can't be all boob jobs."
"Hey ..." my friend said coming back to the table. It was such terrible timing. Brody was sitting in his seat.
"Hi, I'm in your seat, how rude of me," he said getting up. "Well then Jordan, I should get back to my friends. It was nice meeting you."
I didn't want him to leave but I didn't know how to make him stay either. "It was nice meeting you too."
He was about to leave but then stopped. "I'll be back here tomorrow night around seven. Perhaps I'll see you again."
"Perhaps you will," I said.
"Bye."
And with that he walked off. He stayed for a while. We kept making eye contact and smiling. I only spoke with him for a few minutes but that was enough to draw me in. Before he left he sent a drink my way. It came with a napkin that had a message and a phone number: `I believe in fate, but just in case.'
I believe in fate too, but why take the chance? I'm on my way to the bar now. I'm really hoping he is there.
*** NOAH ***
Like the fragments lying before me, I feel torn. My life shattered, the pieces discarded carelessly. I knew the conversation with my parents wouldn't go well, but a small part of me held out hope they would support me, they would show some signs of love. After all, I am their son. But no. It was as if I was a stranger, some monster sitting in their kitchen. A monster not to be loved, but to be destroyed. I've never felt so worthless in my life. Never felt so unloved.
I gather the pieces of the picture into a pile. Through my tears I try to put them back together, but it's no use. The picture is beyond repair. Like my life, it is in ruins. I collect the pieces and put them into my pocket. I can't throw them away; they are the only remaining physical link I have to Jordan.
With what little strength I have I make my way into my bedroom. I grab a bag and stuff it with whatever I can find. I don't want to stay here much longer; I need to get out of this house. I feel like the walls will close in on me. I can't be the person my parents want me to be. No amount of therapy or church will change who I am. I can't subject myself to that. I can't let them do it. If they love me they will have to accept me for who I am. If not, then they're not the ones abandoning me; it will be me who kicks them out of my life. If there is no space for me in this house, than there is no space for them in my heart either.
When my bag is packed I run down the stairs. I quickly put on my shoes and head out. I don't know if my parents hear me leave or not. I don't care. I walk for hours. In a daze, my legs take me whichever way the wind blows. I know I need to figure out a plan, but I can't think. My brain is dead. I just sit down on a park bench and cry. I don't know how long the tears flow. I'm brought back to reality when my phone rings. At first I think perhaps it is my parents, perhaps they've changed their minds. But it's not them. It's Jenn. Wiping away tears I answer the phone.
"Hey, Jenn," I say.
"Hey man, what's up? You were supposed to call me tonight."
"I forgot, sorry," I say trying to sound casual, while sniffling.
"Are you sick?"
"No," I say. She is my only ally. Might as well tell her. "I came out to my parents."
"You what? When? What did they say?"
"A few hours ago. They said what I thought they would ... they rejected me."
"Oh, Noah. I'm so sorry."
"My mom said it was a phase, that it was wrong, a sin, that I'd go to hell. Pretty much that I am terrible person. My dad called me a disappointment, my mom called me a fag and basically said if I didn't change then ... then there wouldn't be a place for me in their house."
"Noah ... that's awful. I ... I can't imagine what you must be going through."
"I don't know what I'm going to do ..." I say on the verge of tears again. "I knew they'd be angry but this ... it's like I'm not even their son anymore."
"Oh, I just want to reach over and hug you right now," she says. "Listen to me. It doesn't matter what they say Noah, you are an amazing person who is loved and deserves to be loved. I love you, and I will always love you no matter what. You will always have me in your life."
"Thank you ..." I say.
"Where are you right now?"
"I don't know. I just grabbed my stuff and walked out of the house."
"Do you have a place to stay tonight?"
"No."
"Let me check to see if I can find you a plane ticket tonight. I'll send you the money, come here," she says. "My parents won't mind."
"I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking me. I'm telling you. Hold on, let me see. Ah, there has to be something ... come on ... no nothing with them. Let me check another airline ... damn it ... nothing. There's nothing until tomorrow morning."
"I'll figure it out," I say.
"Do you have enough money to go to a hotel at least?"
"I have enough money."
"Ok, do that and then I'll book a morning flight for you. Come here, or else I am coming out there to get you."
Hearing how much she cares is what I need right now. I need to know someone out there isn't ashamed of me. I'm about to respond back to her when my phone beeps.
"My brother is calling me ..." I say.
"Does he know?"
"I don't know."
"Answer it," she says.
"I can't handle another rejection tonight, Jenn," I say. If my parents told him and he too abandons me, I don't know what I'll do.
"You don't know why he is calling. Answer it," she says.
"Ok. Hang on." I switch to the other line. "Hello?"
"Noah, where are you?" He sounds worried.
"I'm in the city, why?"
"Dad just called. He told me everything. He said you just left. Where exactly are you?"
"I'm at a park close to downtown," I say giving him the exact location.
"How did you get that far?"
"I walked."
"You walked? That would take hours! Ok. Stay where you are. I'm coming down to get you."
"It's okay, don't bother yourself. It'll take you hours to get here."
"Noah, I'm coming down to get you. This is not up for debate. I'm leaving right away. I'll call when I'm nearby. See you in a bit."
I switch back to the other line. "Hello?" I say to Jenn.
"Hey, what did your brother say?"
"My dad told him ... he's coming down to get me."
"Oh, that's a relief," she says. "He loves you, Noah."
We continue to talk for a while. Jenn doesn't want to let me go until my brother arrives. She is worried I may do something stupid or run away.
"So, how did you decide to tell them? We spoke yesterday and you didn't mention anything," she says.
"My mom found the picture of Jordan and me, you know, the one he gave me on Valentine's Day."
"Oh, so she found out on her own."
"Sort of."
"What do you mean by that?" she asks.
"I put the picture in the pocket of my jeans ... I knew she would look there."
"You did it on purpose?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live this double life. But I knew I would never find the courage to tell them myself. So I left it up to fate. I thought I'd put it out there and see if they figure it out. And she did. She found out that night, not even an hour later."
"Wow, that was really brave of you."
"Or stupid."
"I think you made the right choice. I know right now it may seem like the world is ending, but I think you'll finally be happy once you can be who you want to be. Seeing how fast your mom found the picture, I think that is a sign from the world that you made the right call."
"Perhaps it is."
We talk until my brother arrives.
*** JORDAN ***
I'm relieved to see him sitting at the bar, in the exact same spot I saw him last night. I'm also glad to see he's alone.
"Hi," I say walking up to him.
"Hey. You made it."
"I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I'd drop by," I say.
"I'm glad you did," he says with a smile. Damn those dimples are sexy!
"Your friends aren't with you tonight?" I ask sitting down beside him.
"No, I thought I would fly solo tonight. I can see you decided to do the same."
"I did."
We make some small talk, while I order a drink. We move to a booth in the corner.
"So Jordan, tell me about yourself. Who is the guy behind those beautiful eyes?"
I laugh. "Me? I'm pretty ordinary. I'm in school, hope to be a doctor, like I said yesterday. I'm off for a few months so I decided to come back home. I got a summer job at a restaurant not far from here, so I can make some money for school. Other than that, I play volleyball on the school team ... and um, yeah, just your average, boring guy. What about you?"
"You don't sound boring at all. I'm an investment banker. I've been working ever since I graduated, which was about four years ago. I'm a bit older than you are. I'm 26. In my spare time, not that I get much, they really do make you work hard in those banks, I love to go to the gym, travel, read, and I love to ride my bike."
"And pick up guys in a bar." I say.
"Ha, yep, got me there. I'm not a shy guy, but I'm also not really good at all of this. I sort of surprised myself yesterday. At first I thought you were way out of my league, but then I saw you look back and thought, perhaps I have a shot. I figured what's the worst that can happen, you're either not gay but just like to stare, which I figured was probably not the case. Or you have a boyfriend and I end up with a broken nose. So yeah, the risk was minimal."
"I'm glad you took the chance. And for the record, I am single."
"Well, that's good news. I do like my nose."
"It's a very nice nose. What about you? Is there someone in your life?" I'm pretty sure he is single, or otherwise why would he go through all this trouble. But no harm in asking.
"Nope. I am free as a bird."
We talk for hours. He has a great sense of humour. He is carefree, easygoing, and goofy. He is confident, but not cocky. Best of all, he is out to the world. Everyone knows. It is not a secret. He is comfortable in his own skin. And boy does he have a great smile.
I'm surprised when it is 2 a.m. and the bartender says last call. Truth be told, I am a bit drunk. And very horny. Sitting here all night, talking to this handsome guy has got my engines going. I would love to feel his body, but I know that would be moving way too fast.
"Wow, it's late. I'm sorry I kept you out so late. Do you have work tomorrow?"
"I do, but it was worth staying up."
We walk out together. "Which way are you headed?"
"Just down over there. My condo isn't far from here."
"Nice. I would love to live downtown."
"You're in the suburbs?"
"Yep. The bus will take about 45 minutes or so." My bus stop is in the opposition direction.
"I'm glad you happened to be walking by the bar today," he says.
"So am I."
"Perhaps you'll walk by again soon?" he asks.
"Absolutely."
"Perhaps, if I'm not being too forward, you'll walk by on Friday night? But maybe not a bar but a nice restaurant of your choosing?" He seems a bit nervous, which makes him look even hotter.
"I think that's possible."
"I look forward to it," he says.
"So do I." We exchange phone numbers.
"Excellent. I'll see you then."
"See you then." We look at each other for a second. Oh what the heck. I lean forward and give him a soft kiss on the lips. I don't care that there are others nearby. I'm out. Screw them. "Bye."
He leans back with a huge smile on his face. "Good night, Jordan."
I notice a few people stare at us. Whatever.
*** NOAH ***
"Hey," I say getting into my brother's car.
"Hey, sorry for the long wait. There was a bit of traffic."
"It's fine. Thanks for coming to get me."
"What in the world is going on?" he asks the minute I buckle in.
"What did parents tells you?"
"Dad called. He asked if I heard from you. I said no. When I asked him why he said you guys had a fight and you left without telling them where you went. I had to force it out of him but eventually he told me you told them you're gay!"
"So he was trying to find me?"
"Yeah, he was worried about you."
He didn't seem to be too worried when Mom was yelling at me in the kitchen.
"I'm not going back there," I say.
"You're coming home with me. I told Dad that too. He wasn't happy. He wanted me to bring you back. But I think you all need a break from one another. From what I could gather that probably wasn't a good conversation."
"No, it wasn't. Did he tell you what Mom said?"
"He said they were supportive, that they reached out to you. I could hear her in the background; she said you wouldn't listen, you were rude, and being argumentative."
I could almost laugh! They pinned it all on me. "That's not what they said."
"I figured as much. What exactly happened?"
I tell him my side of the story. "And so I grabbed my stuff and left," I say.
"That sounds horrible, I'm sorry, Noah."
"It's not your fault," I say. "Are you angry?"
"Angry? I'm not angry, Noah. You're my brother, I love you and nothing is going to change that. Truth be told I sort of guessed that you were gay a while back, but I wasn't really sure."
"How did you know?" I ask.
"Some of your mannerisms, and just stuff you've said. It was a guess. I wasn't really sure, so I never said anything. But look, I will be there to support you with whatever you need."
"Thanks, you don't know how much that means to me. Parents aren't going to be happy with you."
"I'll deal with them, don't worry about that. Right now there are so many questions going through my head, I don't even know where to begin. But first off, when did you know you were gay?"
"That's a long story ..."
"And we have a long drive ahead of us."
"Alright, so it started when I was in high school ..." I recount the whole story, up to the point that I broke up with Jordan because of our parents.
"You seem to really like him," my brother says.
"I loved him ..." I say.
"Do you know where he is now?"
"He's back home. Jenn still talks to him, but we don't discuss him. I asked her not to, it's just too painful."
"I get that. Do you think, now that you're out, that perhaps you could get back together?"
"The thought crossed my mind tonight. To be honest, I'm not sure. I hurt him really badly. I don't know if he would ever take me back."
"Hm. Maybe it is best you wait until you know what is going on with you," my brother says.
"I think that makes sense."
"I hope it all works out for the better."
So do I.
—
I wake up to the sound of screaming children. My niece and nephew were asleep when we got home last night. They usually wake up at seven. When they come out into the living room they see me lying on the couch. I had just fallen asleep. All night I was up thinking and texting Jenn. She is really worried about me. She's a little relieved now that I am at my brother's place.
"Uncle Noah!" they scream when they see me.
"Hey guys, how are you?"
My sister-in-law comes running in. "Let your uncle sleep. Sorry," she says.
"Ah, it's okay. I'm up."
The kids are excited to see me. They practically drag me into their room to show me their toys and all of their cool stuff. My sister-in-law comes and saves me.
"Ok, let Uncle Noah go and brush his teeth and we will have breakfast. Waffles okay?" my sister-in-law asks me.
"That would be great."
The kids are off from school for the summer, and so are my brother and his wife. Both are teachers at the local high school. He teaches math and she teaches science. They met in school and have been together ever since. Soon after they married they moved to this small town in the mountains. It is a spectacularly beautiful place, but quite small and isolated. There are only a few thousand people here. My brother has always loved the country; he is not an urban kind of guy. I am the exact opposite.
I spend the morning playing with the kids. I must say, seeing them restores my faith in humanity. They are so innocent and pure. They have no malice in their hearts; they just love you purely and without any conditions. If only adults could learn from children.
Later in the morning my sister calls me. She called Mom and found out what happened. Well, she didn't get the true story; she got the same one my brother did. I came across as a very rude and arrogant person, and my parents the victims. I tell my sister my side of the story, and she believes me. She is shocked and angry to hear how parents acted. She promises she will have a word with both of them. She isn't as shocked to hear my news. Like my brother, she says she had an inkling that I could be gay, but she wasn't really sure. Her reason was because I didn't like Jenn. She thought the two of us were soul mates, so she was suspicious because I didn't like Jenn that way. I'll make sure I tell Jenn that, she'll have a good laugh. At least I can say both of my siblings are with me. That means a lot.
My brother sleeps in. He was tired after the long drive. He wakes up around noon.
"How are you feeling?" my brother asks me.
"I'm ok, I'm feeling a lot better now."
"Did you get any sleep?"
"No, I just kept replaying that scene over and over again in my head."
"I couldn't sleep much either," he says.
"Thanks again for coming to pick me up."
"It's okay. Just remember that the next time I need you to babysit for like a month or two."
"I will," I say with a laugh. I think I owe him that much.
"Just relax for a few days, have fun, play with the kids. And we'll see what happens with Mom and Dad. They do care about you, and they'll come to their senses."
"I'm not sure about that."
"They love you, Noah."
"It didn't seem that way last night. And after all they said to me ... I don't know if I can ever forgive them."
"I know you will. You have a big heart. Again, right now, stop thinking about all of this and just try to get some rest."
"It's a bit hard not to think about it."
"Yeah, I know. The kids are a good distraction."
"They are."
I take my brother's advice. I decide to take the kids to the park. I watch them as they run around and play, scream, laugh, and giggle. There is no way you can't be happy watching them. And as I said before, this place is absolutely beautiful. In the backdrop you can see the mountains. I could just sit here and look at the scenery all day. But eventually I have to take them back. The kids have to eat!
When we arrive back I notice my brother is on the phone. My sister-in-law takes the children into the family room. He covers the phone with his hand and mouths the word `Mom'. He puts it on speaker.
"I just can't believe your brother would betray his family like that," my mom says.
She's one to talk about betrayal.
"He didn't betray anyone," he says. "You can't choose who you love."
"Don't tell me that nonsense. We can get Noah the help he needs. We can cure him. All he needs is prayer."
None of this shocks me. It is what I expected.
"This isn't a disease; he doesn't need to be cured. He needs your love. I know in your eyes homosexuality is frowned upon by the church. But didn't God also say to love your children?"
"I still love him, he's my son. He is the one who clearly doesn't love us anymore. And I can't believe you're encouraging his behaviour. Don't you love your brother?"
"Of course I do, that's why I'm supporting him."
"Then talk some sense into him. His life will be ruined this way!"
I make my way to the door. I can't listen to this again.
"Mom, I'll talk to you later," my brother says. He can tell this is quite upsetting.
"Still think she will come around?" I ask him when he hangs up.
He shakes his head. "I don't know man ... I don't know."
*** JORDAN ***
All week long Brody and I text one another. Even when I'm at work I have my phone out every few minutes. My boss caught me once and told me to put it away. We're not supposed to be on our phones while working. But I just can't help myself!
Finally Friday arrives. I meet Brody for dinner and a movie. In the theatre we sit close, sharing a bucket of popcorn. I know the world probably doesn't know we are on a date, but it feels great to be out in public with him and not worry. I am not looking over my shoulder, or wondering how he feels. I am just me, pure and simple.
Once the movie is over he invites me to his place. He has a condo all to himself. I am a bit hesitant to go ... a drink at his place could lead to sex. Don't get me wrong I would love to see what is under that suit (or maybe fool around while he is still wearing that suit (insert evil grin here)) but I'm a bit scared. I'm not sure I am ready for that. Then again I don't want him to think I am not interested either, so I say yes.
"You have a lovely place," I say.
"Thanks."
"And you say junior investment bankers don't make much."
"And now you know where all of that money goes. What can I get you to drink?" he asks me.
"Whatever you're having."
He grabs a bottle of red wine and two glasses and sits down beside me on the couch. "Cheers."
"Cheers," I say.
We continue to talk while sitting on the couch, side by side. He places his hand on my leg and starts to rub it back and forth. His hands casually touch my arm, his foot brushes past my foot. He is very, very affectionate and sensual. He knows how to push all the right buttons. My dick is starting to get hard. When the wine is gone, he leans in and kisses me. The feeling of his lips on mine is electrifying. It sends a jolt through my body. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time.
We start to make out heavily. He places his hand on the back of my head, and another around my waist as he pushes into me. I can't get enough of him, and he can't get enough of me. We move closer as our tongues intertwine. There is so much passion in me it feels as if my body will burst. At some point in time we fall back on the couch; I am on the bottom, he is on top. We continue to kiss, his lips exploring every part of my mouth. When we break it off to catch our breath he smiles back at me, his hair falling to his forehead. Damn that smile is something else.
Seconds later we are back at it again, two hungry animals, itching to get closer and closer. Midway through the kiss we sit back on the couch and his hands find the edge of my shirt. When he starts to tug at it I move back and bring my hands down.
"Brody, I ... I'm not ... I think we should wait," I say panting. I'm still trying to catch my breath.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asks, confused.
"No, no. You didn't. That was amazing."
"Then what's wrong?"
"I really like you."
"I like you two," he says with a smile.
"And as much as I really want to do this ... I think it's better if we wait a bit."
"Oh." He looks disappointed.
I realize I should be open and honest with him. "A few months ago I had a really bad break up with a guy I was really serious with, and I don't want to rush into things."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"I've moved on since then, so that won't be an issue. But in terms of us ... I'd prefer if we went a little slow, at least for now, if that is okay with you."
"That's fine. I don't want to rush you into anything you're not comfortable with."
"Thank you. It's just that it really took a huge toll on me and ... I need to be a bit more careful this time."
"Of course. I understand."
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it. If you don't mind me asking, why did you break up?"
"He didn't want to come out, ever. His parents are super religious and he thought that they would never understand. So he said he would go back to dating girls to make them happy."
"That's seriously messed up."
"Yeah, it is."
"So was he out to other people though?" Brody asks.
"No one, even his best friend didn't know. She only found out after I started dating him. It's a rather bizarre story actually how that all happened."
"Now I'm intrigued."
Probably not the best story to be telling a guy I like, but here goes. "So I met him in English class and we became friends. I met his best friend and we started dating —"
"Wait, I thought you said his best friend is a girl?"
"Yeah, she is."
"So you were dating girls before?" Brody asks me.
"Yes."
"How long ago was this?" he asks confused.
"Last fall," I say.
"Oh, so ... recently."
"Yup. I've only been dating guys for a short period of time."
"A recent convert," he says with a smile.
"Yeah, so I was dating his friend, and to make a long story short I started having feelings for him and he started having feelings for me. The two of us were in the same English class and we were working on a project together. Oddly enough, it was about the book `Mrs. Dalloway' by Virginia Woolf. Have you read it?"
"No," Brody says.
"Oh, you should. It explores gay themes. So yeah, we ended up dating and I broke it off with his friend. That was really awkward."
"Yeah, I bet she probably hates you."
"Well, not quite. We actually are pretty good friends now."
"This is a bizarre story. How did that happen?" he asks. "I've never been good friends with my exes."
"Well, she hated me at first, but you know, my awesome charm won her over," I say with a laugh. "All joking aside, I don't know. It took a long time. It was very slow and gradual. It wasn't easy."
"So in terms of the guy ... you were each other's firsts?"
"Yep ... or, well, technically ... there was another guy ..."
"Wait, now this love triangle has become a ... square, I guess."
"Um, yeah it's all complicated. He was on my volleyball team, and was dating my former boyfriend first, but then they broke up, and so the other guy tried to blackmail us. You know, as I go through it all, I'm realizing just how much this all sounds like a soap opera."
"I'll say. Sounds very complicated. I think bizarre is the right word. So have you dated anyone else since?"
"Nope."
"So I'm number two then?"
"That's correct," I say.
"I've always liked that number," he says with that killer smile.
"So have I."
"Well, I don't know if this a deal breaker or not, but I can't promise you that much drama," he says.
"Trust me, I would be so happy if you don't."
I stay awhile longer and have another drink. Brody is a perfect gentleman. I can see this going somewhere.
*** NOAH ***
I've been thinking a lot about the question my brother asked me the other day: would Jordan ever take me back? A large part of the reason why I came out was because I want to go back to him. I miss him. But at the same time, like I said to my brother, I really screwed things up. Not only with the breakup, but then by asking Jordan to be my friend. I don't think I have any shot with him. But I have to know what he is up to. I call Jenn.
"Hey Noah, how's it going?"
"It's going."
"Heard from your parents again?"
"I haven't spoken to them, but my brother has. Same story. Mom thinks I should come back home and get help. She won't budge at all."
"That's too bad. How are you feeling otherwise?"
"I'm good. I'm much better than before. Being here with the kids has really helped. Just sort of reminds you that there is good in this world. And as for my parents, I can't lie, it still hurts. I'm not sure I can ever be okay with them not accepting me, but I'm starting to care a bit less about that each day. It'll take time, but I think I'll get there."
"I think you will as well. So you'll stay with your brother until school starts?"
"Yeah, that's the plan. I'm going to look for a job here. I need to make some money. I don't know how I'm going to pay for anything. Then I'll go a week or so earlier to find a place to live. I'll need to find something cheap."
"I was thinking about that. I don't have to renew my lease. How about we find a place together? It will probably be cheaper if you have a roommate."
"You know my last adventure with a roommate didn't turn out so well."
"Yeah, I heard. Look, I think the chances of you falling head over heels in love with me are high; I have that effect on men. But I think I can handle myself."
I laugh. "Ok, as long as you know the risks. Oh, and speaking of falling in love, did I tell you what my sister said to me? She thought I was gay because I didn't like you that way!"
"Well obviously you would have to be!"
"Yeah, she thought we were soul mates and that because we weren't dating, I probably liked guys."
"You have a smart sister," she says.
"I guess I do."
"So is that a yes then?" she asks.
"It is," I say.
"Excellent. I will start looking for places and let you know what I find."
"Look cheap, please."
"Will do, good sir."
"So ... I was wondering if you've talked to Jordan recently ..."
"I thought we agreed not to talk about him," she says, going all serious.
"We did. I've been thinking about him a lot lately."
"I spoke to him briefly, but just a text message here and there. He's working at a restaurant as a waiter."
"Okay. Did he mention anything about ... seeing anyone else?"
"I made a promise to Jordan I wouldn't repeat our conversations to you."
"He asked you to do that?"
"No, I suggested it. I can't be a middle person between you."
"That makes sense."
"You're wondering if he'd take you back?"
"Yeah. I don't think he would."
"I don't know Noah, you did screw things up pretty badly."
"I know. If I were him I probably wouldn't want me back either."
"I think right now you're going through a lot. Perhaps it's best you just leave this be for now."
"You're right."
"I'm sorry, Noah."
"It's okay, I agree with you."
Perhaps it is best I just leave this for the time being.
*** JORDAN ***
I know I said I wanted to take things slow with Brody, but I can barely get him out of my thoughts. All night long I kept thinking what it would feel like to rip off his clothes, to touch his skin, to explore his body. To fuck his tight ass ... or be fucked. I'm ready to be with him. I'm so ready. There is no reason to hold back, no reason not to enjoy myself and my life.
I'll have my chance tonight. I am meeting him for dinner at his place. I just have to get through the day somehow! Brody isn't making it easy. I've been up for hours now, but I am still lying in bed. We've been exchanging text messages since early morning. Several of them have been quite overtly sexual in nature. It is all playful, but it is making my dick rock hard. So many times I've wanted to stroke myself, release some of that tension, but I don't. I want to save it all for him tonight. Don't want to ruin the party.
As I type a racy message to Brody, my mom knocks on the door. "Jordan, can I come in?"
"Sure," I say sitting up. I throw the blanket over my very erect dick. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to know if you want something for breakfast, that is if you ever plan on getting out of bed."
"Um, eggs are fine. Doesn't really matter, Mom," I say. "I'll eat whatever you make."
"Okay. It'll be ready in a few minutes; I'll give you a call. In the meantime, you can continue talking to your boyfriend," she says with a smile. I told my mom about Brody.
I can't help but blush. "I was just reading the news," I say rather unconvincingly.
"Of course," she says turning around to walk away. When she is at the door she looks back at me. "I'm really glad to see you happy again. I hope this boy treats you well."
"Thanks Mom." I am beet red!
—
Somehow I manage to make it through the day without masturbating. Trust me, it was a huge challenge. Throughout the day Brody and I kept messaging each other back and forth. I tried to distract myself but it didn't work. Most of the day my dick was like a rock. I have so much energy in me right now I feel like I can go all night long. I am at Brody's place right on time. He welcomes me in with a smile and glass of wine.
"How are you?" he asks.
"I'm okay. How are you?"
"I'm doing alright. I thought instead of going out, we'd stay in for dinner tonight." He has this sheepish grin on his face. And he's trying to hide it nicely but I think I can see something growing in his pants.
I like the way he thinks. "Sounds good."
"I ordered Chinese food. Hope that's okay?"
"It's perfect."
"Are you hungry now, or would you prefer to wait?" I can tell he wants to wait.
I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist. "I'd prefer to wait." I lean in and kiss him on the lips. "And go straight to dessert."
"I like the way you think," he says smiling. I take his hand and lead him to the bedroom.
My lips are back on his within seconds, exploring his mouth. My hands roam his back, bringing him closer to me. Our bodies are pressed against one another, grinding into each other. I was right, he is already hard. My hands press into his back, trying to bring him in closer. He too explores my body with his hands, running them along my back, down to my butt. He cups my ass in his hands. Perhaps tonight is the night I get fucked.
In between kisses we start to lose articles of clothing. A shoe goes flying over in one direction, a shirt in another. He has a nice body. I can tell he works out, but he isn't really muscular. He has some hair on his chest, which seems to be trimmed. He is a well-groomed man. Soon my lips are on his chest, tasting his savoury skin. I'm not sure why I do it, but mentally I start to compare him to Noah. Perhaps it's because he is the only other guy I have been with. But Noah's skin tasted different. It was ... better. I don't know how to explain that, but it was.
Okay, back to my man. I get down on my knees as I bring my lips closer to his navel. My hands brush against the very hard dick in his underwear. I won't be mean. I slip my hands into his waistband and pull them off, letting them drop to the floor. His dick is nice, average size, probably six inches or so. I take my tongue and run it up the shaft. He shudders, calling out my name. His hands run through my hair. I continue to tease him, just running the tip of my tongue along his shaft, over the head. Once I am at the top, I bring it into my mouth. Precum oozes out and into my mouth. It's salty, a bitter taste. Again I compare it to Noah. Noah's was better.
Stop that! Just think of Brody. Hot, fuckable Brody. I continue to play with his dick and balls, tasting his manhood. My hands are now on his ass. I take my index finger and move it towards his tight hole. I place it just against it, as I put my mouth back on his dick. Once most of his dick is inside my mouth, I press my finger slightly into his hole. He jumps a bit and yells "Fuck!". I continue to apply some pressure on his hole, massaging the rim. After a few moments he pulls me up.
"My turn," he says with that smile.
He makes me lie down flat on the bed and he crawls on top of me. He starts with my earlobe, slowly chewing it, while his hand plays with my nipples. He moves down, kissing my neck, and then licking my armpits. I have to say that is kind of weird, but whatever gets him going. He moves down my chest, exploring it inch by inch, teasing my sensitive nipples. I close my eyes and take it all in. I should feel excited. But I'm not as excited as I usually am. Again my mind goes to Noah. It's not the same. He's not the same. Fuck! Why do I keep doing that? Stop comparing him to Noah. Brody is hot. He is doing a good job. As I debate with myself in my head, Brody reaches my dick. He asks me to lift my hips so he can take off my boxers. When he does my dick springs free, ready for attention. And Brody doesn't wait. His lips are on my dick within seconds. He's good, but I have had better. Fuck! What is wrong with me? I need to stop it.
As he sucks on my dick he starts to push my legs higher. Soon his hand finds my hole. He starts to play with it, gently massaging his finger along the rim. He wants to fuck me. Shit. He wants to fuck me.
This is going to be a long night ...
—
I shut the door behind me and throw the car keys onto the table. I am about to run upstairs to take a shower when I notice my mom sitting at the kitchen table. That's odd. She was supposed to go to work today. She was going to get a ride with a co-worker.
I heat into the kitchen.
"Hey, Mom," I say.
I startle her. "Jordan. When did you get home?"
She looks upset, dazed.
"Just now. What are you still doing home? I thought you started work at eight?"
She turns around and looks at the clock. "Yeah, I was supposed to."
"Is everything okay?" I'm starting to get worried.
"Sit down ... I got a call from your Aunt Beth this morning," she says. Beth is my dad's sister. She is the only one that my mom still talks too. After the divorce, my dad's other brothers and sisters stopped talking to her. They think she brainwashed me to hate him. I never knew my grandparents. My grandfather died before I was even born. My grandmother died when I was an infant.
"What did she say?" I ask nervously.
"Your father had another heart attack ..."
"And?" My pulse is speeding up.
"He didn't make it ... I'm so sorry ..."
Oh.
End of Chapter 24.
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