The following story is a work of fiction - and does not represent any living person. The story will in the future contain sex between two adult consenting men. If you are a minor, or it is illegal in your area to read the following story, please leave now. The author retains all rights to the story. Please do not reproduce without prior consent.
Sorry everyone for the long delay. I had some computer related issues. I hope it was worth the wait.
Ethan.
Chapter 8.
*** ??? ***
His hand slowly caresses my face; the cold skin of his fingers tracing an outline from my temple to my cheeks. His finger glides along my dry lips. He places his thumb under my chin and nudges my face up. His dark eyes stare into me. I glance at him but quickly lower my gaze. I can hear my heart beating. My mouth is dry. I want to say something but I can't. I'm bound in a spell cast upon me by his presence.
A mischievous smile creeps across his face. He takes his other hand and slips it inside my shirt, holding onto my waist. His hand on my bare flesh sends shockwaves through my body. I can feel his veins pulsating against my skin. My legs begin to tremble and I feel the weight of the world bring me down. But I'm still standing. He holds on to me, pulling me in closer to him. He brings his other hand to my waist and slowly begins to massage my back, allowing his hands to roam around.
He slowly lowers his head to my ear and begins to chew on my lobe. He lowers his head down my neck to my shoulders, gently kissing my skin as he goes down. His warm breath sends a shiver down my spine. I grab on to his waist to steady myself. Perhaps I grab on too strong because his body jerks even closer to mine. Our bodies are pressed together now; our legs intertwined. I can smell his flesh. He lifts his heads and looks at me with the same smile spread across his face.
He brings his face back to my ear and whispers, "I've wanted this for so long."
I try to say something, but I can't. I'm paralyzed. Locked within his grip; caged by his aura. All I can do is nod. I open my mouth but no words escape.
He brings his face back closer to mine. I can feel the heat emitting from him seeping into my soul. He lowers his mouth closer to mine.
He leans in closer. My body aches with anticipation ...
*** JORDAN *** --- 24 Hours Earlier ---
I thought about calling Noah last night to check in on him. Something just wasn't right with that guy. But in the end I figured if he wanted to talk he would call me. I must have checked my phone at least a dozen times to see if I had any missed calls - but nothing. It's just he was acting really strange even for him, and that truly is saying something.
I know I have no right to be, but I am a bit disappointed. I just figure we are at least friends by now. Or perhaps that's only the way I see things. It's just ... I guess ... he's helped me so many times already ... and I feel like I kind of owe him something ... or perhaps not owe ... but that I should be there for him when he needs it. The funny thing is - why is this even bothering me? I've never cared if John or Eli didn't call me for something. I don't know what it is. I think I need a life. When this damn brace comes off I can get back to my regular routine. Until then I just have to keep on hopping.
I must say I think I am a pro at these crutches now. I'm actually making pretty good time. I left early because I am supposed to meet up with Noah at his place to talk about our book presentation. It just seems like this thing keeps getting delayed again and again. We only have like 2 to 3 weeks or so left until we have to get this done. But then again, Noah is a nerd so I'm sure we will be fine.
"Hey Jordan," Noah says opening the door with a big smile on his face.
"Hi Noah." Someone seems like he is in a much better mood today.
"Come on in. Welcome to my small little place. It's not much but it's home."
"Hey it's much better than the small torture chamber - also known as my dorm room - that I live in."
"You can drop your stuff on the coach. Do you want anything to drink or eat?" he says while heading into the kitchen.
"Nah man, I'm good. Don't go all out for me." Well so far he seems like the regular Noah I know.
He's in the kitchen when his cellphone starts to beep. It's sitting right in front of me. I don't mean to look at it but I see it's a text message. Why is he be sending Noah a message?
"Why would I go all out for you?" he says sticking his head out from behind the kitchen door. "If it was someone special I would consider it ... but for you ... nah."
"I like your shirt. Let me guess. Is that one of the new shirts you just bought that you've really had forever?"
"I'd forgotten how clever you are," he says coming back into the living room.
Well so far things seem like they're back to normal. He comes in and sets some stuff on the table. He notices his phone and picks it up. "Sorry one sec." He reads it and closes his phone and puts it on the table. "So what did I miss in class yesterday?"
"Uh, nothing much really man. Class was really boring. The prof went on and on about something ... modernism or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention."
"Well I hope your lecture notes are a little less vague."
"Uh, yeah I kind of didn't write anything down. Usually you take down the notes and I just copy it later."
"Since when? You've done that once and I have no intention of making that a routine."
"But the plan works so well."
"I bet it does," he snickers back at me.
"Well buddy someone should just have been in class instead of sitting on a rock in a park." That didn't come out the right way.
"Yeah ... whatever man, forget that."
And there comes up the wall. I didn't intentionally bring it up but all of a sudden the laughing, playing Noah has jumped out of the window. I'm left with this serious guy who clearly is hiding something from me. Damn it Noah you can trust me! But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen, he's already trying to change the subject.
"Alright so, what's our topic?" he asks.
"Well, we have a number of options open to us. We talked about the social issues facing Clarissa, Septimus and his mental problems and what else was there ... "
"Helps to remember when you take notes doesn't it .... "
"Whatever tree killer, " it's my time to give him a scornful look, "yeah and Clarissa's sexuality."
"Do you have any preferences?"
"Well, actually I thought it was interesting about Clarissa's sexuality."
"How so?" he asks.
"Well, Clarissa describes her kiss with Sally as the happiest day in her life pretty much. She clearly has strong feelings for her and yet she ends up marrying Richard."
"Which of course is a marriage of convenience really."
"Exactly and Clarissa figures that out by the end of the novel. I think if she could have - she would have been with Sally. But then Clarissa never sees her feelings towards Sally as homosexual. In fact, she does consider the option if she had married Peter, so she does seem to like guys," I say.
"Perhaps, but what does she say ... here let me look at my notes ... see how handy them come in. Uh, she says she feels about women as men feel. Well it sounds like she's a lesbian to me."
'"So what she's bisexual? Which I guess would make sense if she ended up marrying Richard and contemplated about marrying Peter."
"Well, yeah but even that could be a farce. She could have made up an affection for him because she wanted to feel 'normal'. If she forced herself to like a guy enough then perhaps it would be true in her head. It's like yeah I like girls but I like guys too so that makes it somewhat okay. With that she could go on to marry Richard in the end because she liked both. I don't know .... maybe I'm over analyzing things."
"No, I think it's all apart of Woolf's story and the conflict she is trying to create. Look at Clarissa, she's miserable. She goes around throwing these dinner parties. She isn't happy. And when she hears about Septimus committing suicide she thinks he did it as a way to preserve his memories ... because for her that's all she has - memories of a time when she was happy - when she was with Sally. It's all part of this dilemma for her to truly accept who she is. So what do you think?"
He just sits there for a few seconds thinking. "Um, oh I forgot to bring out ice for our drinks. One sec, I'll be back."
It seems more like a getaway than a genuine wish to get ice. I don't know why I do it - but before I even realize it his phone is in my hand. I go to his inbox and open the last text. "Enjoyed talking 2 u y'day. Just wanted 2 make sure all was ok. Call me if you want to talk."
So he doesn't tell me but he goes to him? What the fuck is that all about? I hear the door open and I quickly put his phone back.
"Ahh, so .... yes or no ... or something else for the topic?" I ask.
"You know, the funny thing is Sally becomes a perfect housewife with five sons. She turns out to be straight in the end."
"Yeah that is the funny part out of all of it."
"Maybe being with Clarissa was her just living life and not meaning it, she was experimenting ... just trying to new things ... or perhaps she learns that conformity to society is the only way to be happy."
With that he gets this sullen look on his face. It sounds more like he talking about something else than about Sally. I want to ask him if everything's alright again - but I have a feeling he will just brush me off. Clearly he has no problem talking to him about it.
"Well," he says, "I think it's something we could work with."
I can't help myself. I have to ask.
"I know I've said this so many times before and you have assured me you're okay - but dude you don't seem alright. It really seems like something is bugging you."
"It's nothing I can't handle myself. Trust me, I'm fine."
I don't believe him but if he says so ...
*** NOAH ***
It's been a week. Actually, scratch that. It's been one hell of a school year. I would never have guessed in September that just one month in I would be where I am today. With everything going on with Sebastian ... and then Jordan ... I just, I don't even know where to begin to process everything.
The irony of it all, I have to pick the one book that deals with half of what I'm thinking. My mind is already clogged as it is and there I have Jordan talking to me about Clarissa being gay .... maybe bi ... but she's miserable ... she can't come to terms with everything. The more I think about Clarissa I realize I don't want to end up like her. I want to be happy. But I'm not sure how to be. Every path I look at seems foggier than the next.
The question is how did Clarissa really feel about Peter. Her marrying Richard was out of convenience but did she have true feelings for Peter - or was it just a farce? Was me being with Stacey just the same thing ... was I lying to myself?
"Hey,"
A hand slaps me across the shoulder. I look up to see Jenn.
"Hey, it's you."
"Yep, only me. Sorry, no one special. Not a hot guy like that volleyball dude. Am I even good looking enough now to be hanging out with you?"
"Oh, shut up will you."
"Never. What were you so deeply thinking about?"
"Me, nothing really. Just walking in my own world."
"Wow, loner. So what's up?" she asks.
So much is up but where do I even begin. There really is no one who knows me like Jenn, but I'm not sure I can talk to her about all of this. Would she understand? Would she judge me? I value her friendship so much and it's not something I want to lose. But I always tell her everything ...
"Nothing much, same old boring life." I guess this is one of those things I don't.
We head to class together. It's another one I basically gloss over. I don't know where my concentration is these days. I can't seem to get a grip on anything. Midterms are in like 2 weeks and I've done no work this week. I really need to clear my mind. The whole time while in class I just stare off into space. I flip open my phone again and go back to the text message. I guess he is the only one who really knows what I'm going through.
"Washroom, back in 5," I say to Jenn before slipping out of class.
I walk around the corner and get out my phone.
It rings for a bit. My stomach starts to turn. Perhaps this is a bad idea. I still have time. I can hang up. But then I hear a voice on the other side.
"Hey sexy, I'm so glad to hear from you."
"Hi Sebastian."
"I must say hearing your voice just made my day a lot better. I dont think I could have asked for anything more."
"You never turn off the charm do you?"
"Not for you I don't. What's up? To what do I owe this pleasure."
"I was wondering if uh ... you had some time to meet up today."
"For you of course I do. Just tell me the time and place and I'll be there."
"How about in 1 hour, I finish class then."
"As I said, for you I'll clear my schedule anything."
I tell him where to meet and a time.
Okay, relax. This is the right thing to do. I need to get a grip on everything and the best way to do it is directly dealing with everything. I put my phone back and round the corner when I walk right into Jenn.
"Sorry .. oh Jenn. What are you doing out here?"
"I was bored so I thought we could kill time together outside. Who were you chatting with?"
"No one."
"I saw you on the phone just now."
"Oh that, uh ... Jordan. I have to meet up with him after class to work on our project."
We end up going back to class where I don't think either one of us paid much attention. I kept glancing at the clock - half of me wanting time to speed up so I could get out of here - and then the other half wanting time to stop so I didn't have to meet up with Sebastian. But the clock finally hits 4 p.m.
I know where I have to go.
**** JORDAN ****
I don't even get it. The two of them aren't even friends and yet he feels comfortable talking to him. I'm the one that introduced the two of them. And that was what ... a week ago? As far as I know the two haven't even really ever talked since. I must have been right - he doesn't even consider me as a friend. But he sure does think Sebastian is one. Fuck. Screw him. Whatever. I just will finish this dumb project and be done with it and be done with him.
Fuckin everything is going shitty in my life right now. My damn foot ... breaking up with Kate ... not being able to play Volleyball ... school's freaking boring ... and stupid Noah - and even Sebastian - clearly I don't know him as well as I thought. Everything blows.
It's just after a long time I was really starting to feel happy. Things were actually going well. I was looking forward to the school year and going to class. But now only one month in - I want to be anywhere but here.
Damn it! Why don't people watch where they're going. I smash right into some idiot.
"Watch where you're going ... oh hey ... sorry I didn't realise it was you," I say.
"Oh, it's you. Good thing I didn't say what I was about to .... " she says.
I had run right into Jenn - Noah's friend.
"How are you?" I say to her.
"I'm doing well - and yourself."
"Alright."
"Off in a hurry to go meet up with Noah to work on your project?"
"We met in the morning at his place already."
"Oh ... " She has this confused look on her face.
"Why?" Now I'm really confused. What is she talking about?
"Nothing I guess."
"Clearly it's something ... "
"I just had class with Noah and he said he was going to go meet you at the coffee shop just on Queen street. But I guess I misheard him."
"Yeah, I have no plans to meet him today. Anyways - nice running in to ... uh well, not literally of course running in to you. It was nice meeting you."
"You can run into me whenever you like."
"Okay. Take Care."
I knew who he was meeting up with. And the nerve of that ass to use my name as a cover for his secret rendez-vous. Now he was even lying to his good friends. You know what, fuck it - it doesn't matter. Go home and just do your work. But I just ... perhaps I'm wrong ... I have to check for myself. And before I even know it - I'm heading off towards Queen street.
The adrenaline is really pumping in me. I get there in just a few moments. I didn't even have to check which coffee shop they were in - I spotted them right away sitting in a booth in the corner. There he is - with Sebastian - the two of them chatting.
You know what, screw them ... I turn around and start walking away.
*** NOAH ***
"Hey man, thanks for meeting up with me." I say as Sebastian approaches the booth. I'm expecting him to sit across from me, but instead he sits right beside me.
"As I said for you man, anytime. So I can't help but wonder if you have an answer for me ... "
"Uh, I'm not really sure."
"Okay, that's cool man. But at least you can tell me if you're coming on Saturday to the party? Were you able to get out of your mysterious and vague commitments?"
"Um, I'm working on it. You know I didn't send you that text. My friend Jenn did. She wants me to go and for me to bring her along."
"Well if her coming is a condition for you to come - then hey - the more the welcome."
"You know why she wants to come right?"
"She likes a good party?"
"She wants to hook up with you."
"Well too bad for her - because it's her hot friend I'm after." He gently nudges me in the arm with his elbow.
Fuck, the way he talks its just so hard to resist his charm.
"So," he starts, "if you don't mind me asking - why did you want to meet up? Just wanted to be in my presence?"
"You know you're a little cocky right?"
"Just a bit ... bearable I hope."
"Just bearable. I, uh, wanted to talk about ... you know ... everything you said yesterday."
"Ok."
"It's just - I don't want to end up miserable. I thought I could make things work with Stacey but it just wasn't there. I thought the more I got involved in that relationship I would be happy and I would just accept that way of life. But as you know it didn't work out."
"Noah, you can fight it all your life. Some men succeed, they have a family and life their life that way. But do you really want that for yourself?"
"I don't know."
"Do you like girls."
"Yes ... maybe ... I think so. I don't know. I am attracted to some girls. I was attracted to Stacey."
"Hey even I find some girls good looking - we as humans do find things beautiful regardless of gender. But it's not about the on-the-surface attraction -it's about what you feel inside."
"I honestly don't know."
"Well I can't help you answer that question - it's something you will have to figure out on your own."
"I know. I just, I want to know - are you happy?" I ask.
"Yes, I am. The Sebastian before wasn't me. I was living a lie - and not for myself - really to please everyone around me. I feel free now."
"I just don't know if I can do it. My family - my friends."
"It takes time. Baby steps - you can't do it all at once. Tell me something. How do you feel about me?"
"Sebastian ... I ... "
"Just be honest with me. I won't judge you."
"You're a great guy - really nice. Freakin hot like there is no tomorrow."
"You're describing my qualities and not how you feel about me."
"Sebastian ... I just ... "
"You like Jordan," he cuts in.
"No I don't."
"You don't have to lie to me - it's okay."
You know on the surface he really does look like a dumb jock. But his looks are definitely deceiving.
"Fine. I just ... I'm sorry Sebastian, you are a great guy ... but when I'm with Jordan I feel like I can be me. I feel happy."
"Well, you know he is straight. You're chasing after something that won't ever be."
"I know."
"And, I'm sorry to say this but I asked him about you and ... he didn't really call you his friend."
"What do you mean?"
"Well he said you were just his English partner - that's it. He doesn't think of you as a friend."
"Oh." I don't know what to say. But I know I don't want to be there. I just want to be alone. "I have to go."
"Noah - don't run."
"I have to."
I get up and walk out of the coffee shop. So that was it then. Just his English partner. The truth comes out. After all I've done for him ... and I thought ... but why did I? I'm a nerd - never the social one. I'm not athletic - not built up - he's an athlete - smart - good looking - fun. Why would he want to be friends with a nerd like me? I'm such an idiot. It's my fault. Why did I even get close to him? I should have never agreed to be his partner - never taken him to the hospital - never taken food over to him - never gone to his stupid volleyball game - never done anything. What did I do it all for? Nothing.
You know what - he can screw himself.
**** JORDAN ***
My eyes fling open. My body swings forward. My heart is racing. Sweat is running down my forehead. My hands are ice cold, clutching the bed sheets for dear life.
What the fuck was that?
I look around me but he's not here. He was never here.
But it felt so real. I could feel his fingers on my cheeks ... his hands on my back ... his breath on my shoulder.
Noah's lip close to mine ...
It was a dream. Only a dream.
Oh man.
To be continued ....