Author's note:
Now I know you all have the guy's new CD...It is a great one Everyone up and start clapping...Wow...2.4 million in one week... That is impressive...JC, you are the man.
Shout outs:
Chris - Hey...Look inside yourself and smile. It's all good within.
Davey - Pushy...stubborn...inpatient...but you're the best.
Garret - Buddy...Go with the flow and all will be gold.
Lucas - Thanks for the Stalk. OK world, I read Lucas's BSB story.
(Shhhhh...it's a good one-Because I Love You). Thanks for
the comments at the end of your story, it's appreciated.
Rey - Another Texan...wow...don't worry, Not Meant to Be is coming
back soon enough. Thanks for the words.
Oh and world...I was coaxed in deeper to the dark side...I read another BSB story....La Vita E Bela...give it a read.
Sorry once again for the long intro....So I'll cut the disclaimer. It's not like anyone reads the stupid things anyways.
Oh yeah...write me and all that stuff....K_Magic@prodigy.net
-------------- Chapter 11 --------------
"Fuckin' spill it Jay."
I sat there looking at Lance, white as a ghost as the words hit me. I covered the receiver with my hand.
"He knows." I whispered to Lance as his mouth fell open and we stared at each other as Kyle's voice broke the silence of the room.
"I'M WAITING ASSHOLE......"
"Um Ky...what do you want me to say...his name is actually B-A-S-S as in the fish...not..."
"Drop it Jay, what was with the act...Oh this is my boyfriend Kenny...what the fuck was that...how fuckin stupid do you think I am."
"Ky...I signed a contract...I couldn't say anything...I'm sorry."
"And what was with sending the blond freak after me...I suppose you told him everything after he fucked your brains out."
"Ky, calm down, I never told him anything...I..swear........Ky?."
".........I'm sorry Jay, that came out wrong...it just that it hurt me that you didn't tell me the truth...I do beleive you."
"I didn't mean to hurt you...it just that in Lance's business, our relationship could only cause harm...so his management took steps necessary to protect their interest, you can understand that right."
"Yeah...Just so you know, I was really close to hunting down that green eyed, blond haired freak and kicking his ass....but I must admit that the Madonna song was a good touch...fucking asshole."
"Ky...you don't know how much you two have in common...It is freaky, but if you don't mind...please stop calling the guy I love a freak."
"Can I call him asshole?"
"Only if I can go back to calling you rude bastard."
"Ok...how about Casper...Jay..he like has no pigment in his skin."
"How about Lance."
"Fine, I'll call the freaky, blond haired, green eyed Casper looking pain in the ass Lance...happy?"
"Happy...fuckin rude bastard."
"So, how long have you and LANCE been together?"
"Ummm since the Versace show, that's were we met, actually on the plane ride to New York."
"What, did he hold your hand..ya big baby."
"Ummm yeah he did."
"Shut up!"
"Long story, but yeah he did hold my hand...that's how I met him."
"That is so sweet...Phffhahahaha...I'm...sorry..."
"You are such an asshole sometimes."
"So we are alike then...oh so you fell for someone like me...does that mean you picture me as the model man for you...........Jay are you still there?"
"Huh..yeah..sorry, what did you say?"
"Nothing, hey...sorry to get all stupid on you, I'll let you go. I'm kinda tired anyways...long night."
"What, you haven't been to bed yet...What's up Ky."
"It's nothing Jay, I'll ta..."
"Kyle...come on talk to me, you know I'm not letting you off this phone until you tell me what's up."
"Oh as if you calling me Kyle is going to get me to talk...we're not in high school anymore Jason."
"So you don't want to talk huh...well you know, I haven't talked to Mom in a while...you know she likes me more than her own son..."
"You wouldn't..."
"Hi Mom..you know I spoke to Ky today and he sounds a little depressed."
"Shut up."
"Yeah...and he also mentioned something about how much he missed your cooking."
"And they call me the asshole."
"Family night at Kyle's...Oh and let me find Shelly's number, see if we can make it a real family night...ready to talk now.......Ky, you know I am always here for you...."
"......I told her....."
"Who?"
"Jen, my girlfriend."
"....and...."
"I don't know...I think we're ok...she said she needs some time to work things out in her mind."
"What about you...."
"Me....I'm so confussed...I...."
"You what."
"I know I love her..."
"But..."
"I can't say it Jay..."
"It's ok Ky. I won't push, but I am here for you."
"It's just...it felt...it felt so good...fuck Jay...I'm so confussed. My mind is so messed up right now. It's tearing me apart."
"So where do you go from here?"
"I don't know Jay...I don't know..."
"What does your heart tell you?"
"It hurts so bad Jay...it feel like someone ripped it out and stomped on it. I hurt her Jay and that is killing me. But it feels like I'm missing something...I don't know...."
"I wish I could help you Ky, but this is something that you are going have to figure out on your own. Just take it one day at a time and get some sleep, things will look clearer once you get some sleep. But you know, she is there waiting for you and if this hasn't driven her away yet, she must really love you...remember that...ok."
"I guess."
"Look Ky, I've got to get going...If you need to talk some more, I can give you a call later tonight."
"It's ok...I just need some time to think by myself. I'll call you when I figure things out in my mind."
"I'll talk to you later Ky...you know I love you."
"Thanks Jay...say hi to the fre...I mean Lance."
"I will, take care of yourself and things will work out for the best, you know that right?"
"Yeah, bye Jay."
"Bye"
I hung up the phone and looked at Lance, he was laying on his side just staring at me.
"So sending a friend a song huh...that was pretty cruel...Forbidden Love...you do have an asshole streak in you."
"And that's why you love me."
"No...that's why I love Kyle...The only reason I love you is that smile and cause you're good in bed."
I smiled at him and jumped out of bed. He had this pouty face on as he stared at me.
"Awwwwe you know I'm kidding...it's your ass and you give one hell of a blow job."
I walked into the bathroom smiling. I stood in front of the mirror, checking my hair. Lance walked up behind me and wrapped his hands around my waist and put his cheek against my back. I leaned back against him.
"I'm going to miss you Jay."
"Hey, it's only a few weeks. We'll be together for Christmas and that's all that matters. We'll survive."
A tear rolled down my cheek as I fought with all my might not to start crying. I turned around and pulled him into a kiss.
"I've got to go Lance, I'll see you in a few week ok."
"I really hate my life right now...I want to stay here with you so bad Jay."
"Look Lance, we knew what we were getting into when we started this. You have a life to live and so do I, but when we are together, that makes it all the more special."
I hugged him tight and released him and walked out of the bathroom.
"Are you all packed...what time is your flight."
"Yeah, we fly out at noon. What time is your shoot?"
"In about 2 hours."
"Why are you leaving so early."
"I want to do a few things before, it's not often that I'm in New York."
I walked back over to him and pulled him into a hug and kissed him.
"Sorry this trip hasn't been the way we planned, but I am looking forward to the end of the month...There is nothing that will keep us apart...I promise."
"It's Ok Jay, I understand...this month is going to go by so slow."
I hugged him tighter, not wanting to let him go.
"I've got to go now, or I might not go at all. I love you Lance."
"I love you too Jay."
I kissed him one more time and pulled out, turning around and not looking at him again. I grabbed the jacket I was borrowing from Lance and walked out the door. I shut the door, took a deep breath and started to walk...knowing if I stopped, I would run back to the room. I heard the elevator ding and I looked up. I saw someone stepping into the elevator and as the door started to close, the guy turned around. As the door closed I saw the guys face....it was Scott.
"Fuck...Josh." I said out loud and I turned around and ran back to Josh's door.
I knocked and tried to open the door. It was open, so I pushed the door open and walked in. Josh was curled up on the bed, naked, hugging the pillow and crying.
Fuck...I thought to my self as I walked over to the bed. I walked to the side where he was and sat down. I put my hand on his back.
"What happened Josh?"
He moved his head away from the pillow and looked up at me. His eye were dull and red.
"He said he loved me....last night...I thought he loved me."
"Josh...he didn't force you did he."
He shook his head. I felt a wave of releif wash over my body.
"No...we talked last night and then came back up here and started kissing and then we made love...but this morning he was distance and just got up and left."
I got up and grabbed his boxer shorts and handed them to him.
"Come on, get dressed and we'll talk...Ok."
He wiped the tears out of his eyes and took the boxer shorts and put them on and got out of bed. Man did he have a nice body. I shook that thought out of my head and sat back on the bed as he grabbed some clothes and put them on. He walked back to the bed and sat down next to me.
"Why can't anyone love me Jay...what is wrong with me."
"Josh, come on...we've gone over this before, there is nothing wrong with you. Quit saying stuff like that."
"He just left...He said thanks and just got dressed and left."
"Why did you do it Josh, why did you put yourself in that situation."
"He said he loved me last night...do you know how that made me feel. Someone loved me...but then this morning he just left."
"Josh, Scott has a boyfriend...didn't he tell you that."
"Yeah, but when we came up to my room last night...He looked into my eyes and kissed me. It felt so good Jay...and then he told me he loved me...everything just went so fast and before I knew it he was making love to me. It was so good Jay, but then this morning...he just got up, said thank you and got dressed and left. When I tried to talk to him, he just said sorry and walked out the door...it made me feel like shit"
I pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back.
"Josh, you need to stop beating yourself up...go back to the way you were before. Take things slow...trust in your heart and when the time is right and the guy is right...you will forget all of this and you will be happy."
"I just don't get it, first I was going too slow for him and then when I do give myself to him he leaves too. What am I doing wrong Jay... what?"
"Josh, you are trying to hard....I told you, Scott is not the one for you...He's a player, he uses people and doesn't care about their feelings. I know you're lonely and just want to find love, but don't push so hard. Love will find you, I promise. When you least expect it...BOOM...it will hit you. Just don't expect it with every guy you meet and with every guy that says he loves you. Love is just a word, anyone can say it...But if there is a connection of both your hearts then there is truly love between you two. Is Scott in your heart?"
"No...I don't know....maybe....but I don't think so."
"Well then, there is your answer. You had sex with Scott last night and that's all it was...Don't put anything more into it than what it was. And move on."
"Why couldn't it have been me that day on the plane that went to your side...I'm the one that pointed you out to Lance...I'm so stupid, I could have been the one you fell in love with."
"That is so sweet Josh, thank you, but you know I believe it was fate that stepped in there. Lance and I belong together and along with Lance I gained a friend, a best friend...one that I could help get through all the shit he gets himself into....Now get your ass up and get ready, you have a plane to catch soon and I got to get going or I'm going to be late."
"Thanks Jay, I don't know what I would do if I had never meet you."
"Let see, you wouldn't have meet Scott or Kyle and in all likelyhood, you and Lance would be together."
"What did you say?"
"Opps, I gotta get going."
"Did you say Lance and me...what makes you say that."
"Never mind Josh...I need to get going." I said as I got up off the bed.
"Oh no you don't." He said as he grabbed my arm. "What did you mean by that?"
"Ok... you've got to promise me you won't tell Lance I told you this, but he has always loved you...But he put the group first and valued you as a brother rather than express his feeling towards you."
"Wait...you didn't tell him that I had a crush on him...did you."
"Oh no way Josh." I said hoping he believed me.
"Ok...but wow...I wish I would have known that a long time ago. But you two belong together. Hmmm if you two ever break up though, I will have my choice between the two of you."
"Shut up....Shit I've got to go."
I hugged him one more time and started to run towards the door.
"Later babe and thanks"
"Later sexy, see you at Christmas time."
I ran out the door and to the elevator.
Maybe being away from these guys for a while will be good thing. It will be less stressful. I just hope that Josh will be able to sort things out in his head.
I got to the shoot just in time. It dragged on and I finally got back to the hotel room at 4pm. My flight was at 7pm. I took a shower, packed up and was set by 5pm. I grabbed my laptop and signed on.
I had three new messages, one from Kyle, one from Lance and the final one from Josh.
From: K_Magic@Prodigy.net Date: December 2, 1999 2:08 pm To: JKMartin@yahoo.com Subject: Help me
Jay,
Oh god Jay....please help me...I think I'm going crazy. I had the weirdest dream. It took me forever to get to sleep this morning and I woke up from the most fucked up dream. I don't get it Jay. You know me, I don't dream. I never dream. But this morning I had a dream.
In it I was getting married. I was in the church and Jen was walking down the aisle. When she got to the alter, I took her hand and the ceremony started. We did our vows and then the minister asked if I took Jen to be my wife. I said I do. Then he asked Jen if she took me to be her husband. She looked deep in my eyes, smiled and said No fuckin way would I marry this fag.
Then she ran out. I fell to the floor and then I felt arms around me, comforting me. I looked up and into these eyes, Josh's eyes. He lean down and kissed me. When I opened my eyes, we were in a bed and we were making love. I woke up and popped up out of bed. My whole body was shaking and I was drenched with sweat.
Jay I need to talk to you...please call me as soon as you can. Please Jay...I need you.
Ky
I sat there after reading this stunned. First Kyle never dreams. Ever since I have known him, he has told me that when he sleeps, he is just out, pure blackness and then wakes up. Never a dream, never a nightmare, nothing. Second, Kyle has never sounded so emotional. He has never opened up like that, he never talks openly about himself, not to me, not to anyone. This was going to be interesting...actually finding out what is in that mind of his. I was going to be home in a few hours, so I would just let him stew until then.
From: SsabSemaj1@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 3:44 pm To: JKMartin@yahoo.com Subject: Truly, Madly, Deeply
Jay,
We just got into the hotel in Toronto. Everything is the same. Josh is still quiet. The guys are still unsure about how to talk to him. I am not liking any of this. Justin tried to talk to him on the plane, but he just waved him off and went to sleep. When we got to the hotel, he just went to his room. I just got a call from him asking if he could borrow my laptop again. So as soon as I am done with this, I am going to take it to him.
Oh and just so you know, I truly, madly and deeply miss you and love you. I stole Josh's cd and I am listening to our song right now. I can't wait until I am back in your arms. Save a dance for me ok.
I love you Jay and I can't wait until this tour is over so I can see you again.
Take care my love.
Love always Lance
MMMM my man. I ran my fingers over the screen of my laptop. Over the word written by Lance. Wanting and wishing that it was his skin I was touching. "That's enough of that Jay... just a few week." I hit the reply button and started typing.
To: SsabSemaJ@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 From: JKMartin@yahoo.com Subject: Re: Truly, Madly, Deeply
Lance,
Hi Babe...
I am so missing you already. Consider the dance saved.
I will be listening to our song alot in the next month. One of these days, the only time I will have to listen to it is during romantic nights and anniversary nights. I can't wait until that day.
Still loving you,
Jay
Ok, two e-mails and what an emotional ride it has been. Well, on to Josh's e-mail.
From: JoshuaScott@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 4:43 pm To: JKMartin@yahoo.com Subject: hey...
Jay,
Hope your shoot went well. I'm just sitting in my room thinking.
I just wanted to say thank you...for everything that you have said and done for me. I think of you a my best friend right now. I know that Justin is upset over the fact that I can not talk to him about any of this. He is my friend, but we can't talk like you and I can.
I've been thinking over everything that you have said to me. Everything has been like a big whirlpool in my head and I still can not think straight...my head hurts and so does my heart.
Have you ever felt so miserable that everthing moves in slow motion and it still is moving too fast for you to comprehend. I fell like the world is moving around me and I am standing still.
Does any of that make sense...probably not.
I didn't want to tell you this, but it is burning up inside of me. I fell asleep on the plane and had a dream. I was walking in darkness and I saw a light and ran to it. In the light, was Kyle laying on the ground. I kneeled down and pulled him into a hug and kissed him. The next thing I knew, we were making love on a bed. It felt so good...holding him in my arms. I woke up on the plane and for a spilt second, my mind was clear and I was happy.
Why does life suck so much. The one guy I want to love, could never return my love.
Oh well, I will do as you always tell me...I will wait and pray that love will find me sooner or later.
Sorry to take up your time.
Thanks for listening. Take care.
Love
Josh
And the ride continues...I couldn't beleive what I just read... How could these two guys have basically the same dream at around the same time. There had to be something at work here...there must be some connection between these two miserable souls. I sat there looking at the computer screen for ten minutes, just trying to think of something to say to this poor guy. I hit the reply button. God forgive me for what I'm about to do.
To: JoshuaScott@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 5:45 pm From: JKMartin@yahoo.com Subject: Re: hey...
Josh,
Cleanse your heart:
K_Magic@prodigy.net
He's waiting in the light for you. See if your happiness is there.
Take care.
Love
Jay
I hit the send button. Well, the next time Lance see's me it might be at my funeral after Kyle kills me. But what the hell, I guess the asshole in him and Lance is rubbing off on me.