Author' Note: Welcome to the new section of the story. "Beyond What Is" will be told from the character Kyle's point of view. But every so often, perspectives might change back to Jason's and I will inform you ahead of time.
Also, be fore-warned, this chapter contains a sexual scene between a man and a women...gasp. Now if you have been reading the story from the beginning, you had to have know that there was a possibility of this sooner or later.
Please write me and tell me what you think:
K_Magic@prodigy.net
Oh and you all know the disclaimer drill.
---------------------------- Chapter One - Beyond What Is ----------------------------
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I screamed out in the middle of nowhere. I had woken up from a dream...a nightmare totally freaked out. I had written an e-mail to Jay asking him for help, then I had grabbed my bike and took off. It was now an hour and a half later and I was out miles away from my apartment. I got off my bike and let it fall to the ground. I sat down on a big rock. My clothes were soaked with sweat and mud. It was starting to sprinkle and my teeth were chattering as I sat on the rock shivering.
In the last three day, I had managed to totally fuck over my life. I was lost. I looked up in the sky.
"WHY" I screamed up into the sky.
At that moment, I wished that a bolt of lightening would strike me and take me away from all this. But of course, as my luck would have it...there was only one huge cloud in the sky, of course right over me and it was only sending down little drops of rain. Just enough to make my life more of a living hell. I sat on that rock for an hour, running over the past three days in my head. Meeting Josh, looking into his eyes, kissing him, feeling him, being with him, the pleasure he brought me...Jen...oh god Jen...how I hurt her, how it felt to be with her, to be in her arms, her touch, making love to her, waking up next to her, loving her. Tears streamed down my face as I got up and got back onto my bike. As I started the long ride back home, nothing in my mind was clearer than when I started. What were these feeling I had for Josh...how could I have them for another man...what was wrong with me...why couldn't I just be happy in my life with Jen. I thought I knew what I wanted. I had choosen Jen rather than explore a life that I didn't want, I couldn't want. But why were these feeling still with me... why couldn't I just forget about Josh.
The next thing I knew, I was carrying my bike thru the door. I couldn't remember the ride home...it was if I was in a trance. I stripped my clothes off as I walked into the bathroom and started the shower. I climbed in and stood under the nozzle as the hot water beat down on my head. I stood there until the water started to turned cold. I brought me out of my trance. I quickly washed up and rinsed off in the cold water.
I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked out. I turned on my computer and signed on. As my modem was connecting to the internet, I threw on a pair a breifs and some shorts and went out to turn the heat up. My message machine was blinking. I hit the button and it rewound.
Beep...Ky...I'm back home. I got your e-mail, if you want to talk, give me a call later, ok. Love you...
I really didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment so I hit the delete button and walked back to my bedroom. I sat down infront of my computer. I had 2 new messages. I opened my mail program and the first one came onto the screen...it was from Lance.
"What the fuck does he want." I said out loud, feeling anger begin to rise.
The second one came up and my heart jumped. I clicked on the second one first.
From: JoshuaScott@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 4:12 pm To: K_Magic@prodigy.net Subject:
Kyle,
Don't be mad at Jay for giving me your address. I just wanted to say Hi and check on you. I need to know that you are ok. I'm sorry, but I just can't forget what happened between us. I still believe we were meant to be together. But, I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me. If you don't, I will never contact you again. I didn't want you to walk away without knowing my feelings. For you to know that you have a place in my heart and with out you in my life, that part of my heart is dead.
I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way.
I'm just so sorry.
Take care of yourself and I wish you all the best in your life. Please know that I do.
With all my heart
Josh
I sat there staring at the screen. Reading and rereading his words. My heart was beating so fast and I realized that I had been holding my breath. I just couldn't let the breath out, knowing when I did the feeling I had in my heart would be let out and I would have to face the fact....the fact that somehow this guy had found his way into my heart.
"Fuck" I said out loud as I hit the escape key and Josh's words disappeared off the screen. I sat there continuing to stare at the screen. Then, like a slap across the cheek, there was the email from Lance. I sighed and I clicked on it and it opened.
From: SsabSemaj@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 8:09 am To: K_Magic@prodigy.net Subject: Truce?
Kyle,
First of all I want to apologize for all the shit I have given you ever since we met. I'm writing you because you are an important part of Jay's life, a part that I want to get to know. I hope we can put the past behind us and move on.
If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to call or send an email. I know it would feel weird to you to talk to an almost stranger, but sometimes you can tell an almost stranger something that would feel uncomfortable telling to a friend. Just a thought and just so you know, anything that you told me would stay just between you and me.
I wont take up any more of your time.
Take care and write anytime you want.
Casper my cell: (706) 465-8464
ps..yes I heard that when you were talking to Jay. pretty funny.
I sat there looking at the computer screen again. Man what is up with this boy band....one is in love with me and the other is trying to be my friend. But it is nice that Lance and Jay are together. Jay deserves a great guy and I think Lance fits that description. I hit the reply button.
To: SsabSemaj@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 From: K_Magic@prodigy.net Subject: RE: Truce?
Casper,
Hey....
Get used to it, from this point on that is your name to me.
Look, you do not have to apologize for anything. You were protecting your friend and I understand that. Just know that if you hurt Jay in anyway, I will do anything I can to protect him....got it.
But I have nothing to worry about...Right?
Thank you for all you did that night. I appreciate it.
Take care of yourself and Jay.
Peace
Kyle
I hit the send button and then for some unknown reason, my hand moved the mouse over and clicked on Josh's e-mail again. It opened and, as before, I sat there staring at it...rereading it over and over again. The next thing i knew, I had hit the reply button and was typing.
To: JoshuaScott@yahoo.com Date: December 2, 1999 From: K_Magic@prodigy.net Subject: RE:
Josh,
I can't forget either....
Before I could even think, I hit the send button and off it went. Tears were coming out of both my eyes and I had no clue why.
I sat there for over half an hour in a daze. My session on the internet had long ago ended due to lack of activity. I just sat there, hands on keyboard, looking at the screen but not seeing anything. The phone had rung 3 times before I finally broke out of the trance wiped the tear out of my eyes and picked up the phone.
"Hello"
"What's wrong Ky? You don't sound good."
"It's nothing Hun, Just went for a bike ride and I'm a little tired...Jen...I'm so sor.."
"Ky, I don't want to talk about it right now. That's all I've been thinking about all day and I can't...I won't think about it any more. Please Ky, just drop it...If and when I am ready to talk about it again, I will let you know."
(silence)
"Ky...I'm not mad....I'm hurt and confused. What am I suppose to think...No...No...I don't want to talk about this. Have you eaten yet?"
"No...Jen I'm.."
"Kyle, please stop...I'll be over in a half and hour with dinner. We will have a nice dinner together and we won't talk about any of this."
"Jen are you sure you..."
"Ky, please...I'll be over in a bit...repeat after me...Ok Jen, I'll see you in a bit."
"...Ok...Ok...I'll see you in a bit."
"Thank you, now say good bye."
"Goodbye"
"Ok now hang up the phone."
I hung up the phone. I sat there, my hand still resting on the receiver of the phone and Josh's e-mail still looking me in the face from the computer screen. Forty minutes later, I was still sitting there in the same position when the door bell rang. I jumped out of my trance and powered down my computer and grabbed a t-shirt and threw it on. I ran out and opened the door. There was Jen, standing there with a bag of take out food from the Olive Garden and a bottle of wine. She smiled at me and as she walked by leaned over for a kiss. I kissed her on the lips and shut the door.
"I got you cheese ravioli's, is that ok."
"Perfect."
She set the food down on the table as I went into the kitchen and grabbed some plates, forks and wine glasses. We sat down at the table and ate. Chit chatting about how her day went, never once coming to how my day went. After dinner, we did the dishes and sat down to watch tv.
She snuggled up against me and started to run her hands across my chest and stomach. She leaned over and started to kiss me. She broke the kiss and lifted my t-shirt and started to kiss my stomach. As she moved up my chest, she lifted my shirt up and off of me. I started to unbutton her blouse as she started to massage my cock thru my shorts. As she rubbed, my dick got harder and harder. She stopped and stood up and removed her blouse and kneeled inbetween my legs. She grabbed my shorts and started to pull. I lifted my lower body off the couch and she pulled both my shorts and breifs down to my knees. She grabbed hold of my cock and started to lick it up and down. I leaned back and closed my eyes. She took my cock into her mouth and started to work up and down it. My right hand was running thru her hair as she stopped. I felt her get up and I opened my eyes and she walking to her purse, removing her shoes as she went. She started digging aroung in her purse looking for something. She pulled out a condom and walked back towards me, removing her pants and panties as she walked. As she got up to me, she unfastened her bra and slid it off.
There was Jen, standing infront of completely naked. She tore open the condom and kneeled down and slipped it onto my cock. She stood up and climbed on top of me, straddling my hips. She leaned down and started to kiss me. As she did, my hands when up to her breast, her perfect breast. Not to small and not to big, just the perfect size to fit in my hands. I started to squeeze them as she repositioned herself, grabbed hold of my cock and slowily eased herself onto me. My cock slipped inside of her and we sat there kissing. I thrusted up slightly and she moaned inside of our kiss. My hands moved down to her ass and I lifted her slightly off and then let her fall back down. We broke the kiss as she rested her hands on my pecs and started to squeeze them. I leaned down and started to kiss her right breast. As I continued to thrust up into her, I leaned back and closed my eyes. As I opened them, I looked up at Jen. Everything was going in slow motion. I was there making love with her, but there was nothing there...I felt nothing. I was going thru the motions, but it meant nothing to me. The only thing that entered my mind was Josh. My thrusting slowed and she looked down at me. We both came to a stop. I looked at her with a blank stare as she climbed off of me and started putting on her clothes.
"I can't compete with him, can I."
"Jen...I'm sorry...I..."
"Ky, just stop it...I can't be with you if you are not committed fully to this relationship. You said you wanted us to work... but I don't see that...that is not what's in your eyes and I don't think that is what's in your heart."
She finished getting dressed and walked back over to me. She handed me my shirt. I removed the condom and pulled up my shorts and put the shirt on. I grabbed a tissue and wrapped up the condom threw it away.
"I don't get it Jen, I love you...I just...I just don't get it."
"Kyle...I think you need to sit down and think this thru...find out who you are and what you want. I believe deep inside you know what you want and what you need and it is not me."
Tears were flowing out of my eyes as I grabbed her around the waist and buried my face into her.
"I'm lost Jen...so lost....please help me...help me find myself."
She was rubbing my back.
"I can't Ky, that's something you're going to have to do yourself."
"I don't think I can...Please Jen...help me."
"Ky...look at me...."
She pulled me off of her and lifted my head until I was looking at her.
"Ky, I love you, I love you with all my heart...But I can't change who you are. I will not stand in the way of your happiness. If you stay with me, you will not be happy. Go find your happiness."
"I could be happy with you...I love you Jen."
"Come on Ky...you can't even make love to me without thinking about him. I will not be a fill-in sex partner. You maybe here making love to me, but your mind would be off in a different world. I am not him and I can not fill in for him. Go find yourself Ky. If that person you find is able to commit to me 100 percent and I am still free, give me a call. Anything less than 100 percent and we remain what we are now....friends."
"I don't know where to start looking for the real me."
"First admit that you have feelings for another man. Admit it to me Ky...Admit it to a friend."
"I can't Jen."
"Then you have a long journey ahead of you."
I covered my face with both my hands and started to cry. Jen pulled me into a hug and was rubbing my back.
"I'm sorry Jen...I'm so so sorry for hurting you...forgive me please..tell me you forgive me Jen...please."
"I forgive you Ky, I am sad, but I can't hate you or even be mad at you for something you have no control over. I guess love is like that. You never know who you will fall in love with or what you will do for love or how strong you will be when you need to be. Be stong Ky, I know now that I can be. I'm going to go now... are you going to be alright."
I just nodded my head and pulled away from her. She got up and walked over to her purse.
"Oh and don't think you can weasel out of taking me out Saturday night, friends can still go out for an evening of fun."
I looked up at her and she had a half smile on her face. I nodded and she walked back over to me and leaned down and kissed my forehead.
"I'll see you on Saturday at six. Don't be late and be dress to kill."
She placed her palm on my cheek and looked into my eyes.
"I do love you Ky."
She smiled at me again and walked to the door and left. I sat there thinking to myself..."What the fuck am I doing...go get her Kyle... tell her how much you love her...tell her how much you need her... tell her anything to get her back...get up Kyle go get her..." But my body did not respond. I sat there...just staring forward. After about five minutes, I got up and turned off all the lights. I went to the door and locked it. Through the window next to the door, I saw Jen's car still out there. She was sitting in the driver seat with her hands over her face...she was crying.
"What have I done...."
I was just about to open the door and go running to her, when she started up her car, turned on her headlights and drove away. I walked into my bedroom and laid on the bed, just staring at the ceiling. I have no clue when my eyes actually closed or if they closed at all. All I know is, I heard the phone ringing and I was still staring at the ceiling. It was light outside and I looked at the clock and it read 9 am. I picked up the phone on the forth ring.
"Hello"
"Don't you fuckin hello me you ass..."
"Hey Jay."
"Shut the fuck up and listen to me....What the fuck is your problem. I get this e-mail from you saying you had this freaky dream and you need me. Then when I am able to call you, I get no answer. I leave a message and you never call back. You had me worried to death over here. I stayed up until 3 am waiting for your call."
I sat there with the image of the dream coming back into my head and all the other crap that happened yesterday.
"I'm waiting Kyle...you better start talking now or I swear I will kill you."
".....go ahead..."
"What?"
"I said go ahead...kill me...anything would be better that what my life is right now...six feet under sounds pretty good right now."
"Shit.....Ky...look, I'm sorry...please talk to me."
"I lost her Jay...I fucked up and she's gone."
"Damn, I'm sorry Ky, what happened?"
"Last night, we were making love and I lost it...I realized that I didn't feel the same way as I used to about her...about us. She realized it too. It's over."
"Did she freak out?"
"No...she was very understanding...she still wants to be friends. She is so special...why can't I love her like I should."
"Kyle...is there something you want to tell me?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know...it just seems like you are walking around the bush....beating the crap out of it, but you just don't want to find out what is in it."
"You want me to say it, don't you?"
"Say what Ky?"
"Say that I have feeling for Josh."
"You have feelings for Josh?"
"Fuck you"
I slamed the receiver back down on the phone and sat there. The phone started ringing again. I let it ring. It rang four times then stopped before the machine could pick it up. Then the phone started ringing again. On the third ring I picked it up.
"Look Ky...what do you want me to say?...do you want me to tell you to forget Josh and run back and plead with Jen to get her back...Do you want me to tell you Hey you're gay forget your life and come on down and join us for tea...What do you want me to say Ky...what?"
As the word gay hit me, I started crying.
"I can't be...."
"You can't be what Ky?"
"Gay"
"Kyle, I can't tell you what you might or might not be...You have loved women all your life, but there is Josh. I wish the world did not have to go labeling everything, but it does. You do have feeling for at least one man, so I guess that would make you bisexual."
"I wish I was dead."
"Where the fuck did that come from....Kyle..you listen to me and you listen good. Don't you even pull this crap with me...I don't need it."
"Oh it was ok for you to talk like this, but I can't."
"Kyle..that was six years ago...wait...let me remember back to what a good friend told me...Go ahead and fuckin kill yourself you selfish bastard, but let me tell you this...if you do, I will make it a point to kill myself so I can go hunt you down in the after world and kick your ass for the rest of eternity...and you know..I don't want to die...so if you are any kind of friend, you won't make me have to kill myself."
"Fuck you and your photographic memory anyways."
"I remember that because at that moment I knew that no matter what, there was at least one person in this fucked up world that loved me...and I can not thank you enough...So Kyle, please know that no matter what, I love you and I will stand next to you no matter what."
"Thanks Jay."
"Hey not a problem. You see, what goes around comes around...You helped me through some really fucked up shit...Now it is my turn to help you...And my advice to you...throw all your cards on the table and see what you have."
"Oh now that makes sense."
"Hey..cut me a break, I'm new at this...remember. I'm the one that is usually fucked up in the mind and you are the one with all the advice. Give me some time to get up to Kyle standards."
"I'm sorry Jay...I'm just not used to not having control in my life."
"Don't worry...You are in more control than you think you are. Trust your heart."
"Wait...that is the advice I alway give you...come up with your own."
"Ok...how about this...Talk to him."
"....and say what?"
"How about to start with...Hello. It will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but once you say that one word, everything else will fall into place."
"I'll try."
"No you will do."
"Thanks Jay."
"Anyday Ky."
"Oh and Jason..."
"What?"
"How dare you call here acting all pissed off cause I didn't call you when I know for a fact that you read that e-mail early in the day and then waited until you got back home, ate dinner, sat down and had a beer, watched some tv and then finally made the call here. I know you did that just to let me stew...I'm not stupid you know."
"Ok how did you know that?"
"You just told me."
"Asshole"
"That's why you love me."
"You know it too. Take care of yourself Ky and call if you need to talk... promise me you will call."
"I promise."
"I love you Ky."
"I love you too."
I hung up the phone and sat there thinking about all the things we talked about. My head was spinning. I reached over and powered up my computer and I logged onto my isp. I walked into the bathroom and took two asprins and brushed my teeth. I walked back in and heard a ding from my computer.
"Damn, I left my IM turned on."
I walked back to the screen and looked at the IM window.
Singing Casper: Hey Kyle, It's Lance.
What's up?
I couldn't beleive this, I sat down thinking whether or not to just ignore him. I decided just to talk to him. No use making enemies. I started typing.
"Good Morning Lance, to what do I owe
this pleasure?"
Singing Casper: Just thought I'd say
Hello...So Hello
"How did you know my screen name?"
Singing Casper: Ummm searched with your
e-mail address...Like my SN, it's only
for chatting with you. No one else
knows it or will know it. Jay doesn't
even know it.
"Wow I'm special"
Singing Casper: You are...So how are
you Kyle.
"Please call me Ky. Me...well...um...NM."
Singing Casper: Come on Ky, you can talk
to me. Trust me Ky, I wont let you down.
I promise.
"Lance it has nothing to do with you...
It's me. I have a very hard time trusting
people. There is nothing you can do about
it.
Singing Casper: Ky, If I tell you something
that no one else knows, will that show you
that you can trust me?"
Singing Casper: NM I'll tell you anyways...
Singing Casper: When I was about 17, my mom
found some stuff in my room...a gay magazine
I had found and some pictures of men...she
freaked. When I got home from school, she
started beating me and made me burn them.
She told my father and they were going to
kick me out of the house. About that time,
I got the call to audition for the group.
Everything happens so fast. My parents saw
the potential in the group and started to act
as if nothing happened. But I can see it in
their eyes...they hate me. They only act as
if they love me cause I have money now. They
don't want to meet Jay and I hate them for that.
"Shit Lance, I'm sorry. I was there when Jay
told his mom and she took it hard, but accepts
him. I can only imagine what you went through
and are going through."
Singing Casper: Please don't tell Jay any of
this...Promise."
"Of course Lance, I promise. But I do think
you should tell him, he will understand."
Singing Casper: Ky...you are the only one
who knows this...Jay doesn't and neither do
the guys. That's how much I trust you. Can
you trust me?"
"I don't know if I can, It's hard for me. I
know you trust me, and I thank you for that.
But I'm not used to letting people close to
me...to trust them."
Singind Casper: Ky, you actually just did.
You are revealing things about yourself to
me that I don't think you go around telling
everyone about...it's a begining.
I sat there thinking about what he just said. He was right, I do not express my feeling to anyone. Not even to Jay. He knows how I am because we've known each other so long. Jay always said I was the master at making people talk. Lance is pretty good at that too.
Singing Casper: Are you still there
Ky?
"Yeah...sorry, kinda zoned out there
for a sec...So Lance, where are you
guys right now."
Singing Casper: Wow...Subject change...
We are in Toronto...So do you trust me?
"Yes Lance...I do trust you."
Singing Casper: Do you want to talk?
I sat there trying to figure out why I was letting this guy into my life like this...I had no clue why. I started typing.
"You wanted to know...well here you
go...MY LIFE IS HELL RIGHT NOW...I
lost my girlfriend cause she found
out I have feeling for someone else.
Satisfied Lance...you know now ok."
Singing Casper: Is it Josh?
"Yes it's fucking Josh."
I hit the send button as the tears started pouring out of my eyes. I reached up and hit the power button on my PC and the screen went dead. I got up and walked towards my bed. All the emotions that had built up in the last few days took over. My head was pounding and my whole body was soar. I collapsed onto my bed into darkness.