Author's Notes:
I have too much to say and not enough space, so I will say it to you all personally in your own e-mails.
Thanks to all the readers that came out of the wood work and fianlly wrote to me concerning the last chapter. If you were not one of them. Get writing me, I want to hear from everyone that reads this story at least once. I want the opportunity to personally thank you for reading.
So write me: k_magic@prodigy.net
Disclaimer:
They're always here before the story No one read them, they are so boring Truth be told they are benifical Not just a daily author's ritual To remind us that this is a fictitious tale And if you're under the legal age, risk going to jail So sit back, relax and enjoy the chapter Written straight from the mind of this perverted bastard
(sorry, sometimes I just can't stop my fingers from typing)
---------------------------- Beyond What Is - Chapter Six ----------------------------
As my foot came off the gas pedal, the car's engine returned to the idle mode. I put the gear back into park, pulled up on the emergency break and turned the engine off. I stepped out of the car and walked over to one of the big rocks placed at the edge of the cliff to stop any car from plunging over the edge. Funny part is that they are placed so far apart a semi could roll right in-between them. I sat there looking at the beauty of the scene before me. Taking in the cold salty ocean air into my lungs. Watching the huge winter waves crash against the shore. Watching the seagulls fly through the windy air.
As I gazed out into the vast Pacific Ocean, my head was clouded with thoughts. Why did I lift my foot of the gas instead of the brake? It would have been so easy to just end everything right then. No more hassles, no more confusion, no more inner conflict, no more anything. My thoughts went back to the moment when my body made the choice to lift my right foot instead of the left. The thoughts running through my head, they were of Jay and Lance...the purity of their relationship. The love. The thing that I wanted most in my life, that I needed. I blinked my eyes for the first time in a while and kept them closed for a few secondes until the sting of the salty air went away. When I opened them again I looked out and it was overcast...no sunlight, just a normal California coast winter morning. I knew I opened my eyes in the car to sunlight, yet there was none. The chill hit me as I shook my head at the thought of seeing "The Light".
Could I have been so stupid to think that ending my life could solve all my problems? Take the cowardly way out. To put my family and Jay through the pain that no one should have to suffer through. My thoughts went back to that night here with Jay. The pain my heart went through that night knowing that I could have lost him. What was I thinking?
"Fuckin' stupid Kyle...how could you be so selfish...to want to end your pain only to cause pain for everyone else."
My eyes were focused on the ocean waves, the sound of the surf hit my ears. I closed my eyes and just listened, listened to the sounds of the ocean. Lost in the sounds, I heard a car pull up, park and then a door open. Footsteps approached me and then stopped behind me. I kept my eyes closed as I spoke.
"How did you find me?"
"Just had a feeling."
"What do you want?"
"Ky, come on...it freezing out here, let's go home."
"You go...I want to be alone anyways."
"I can't, not without you."
"Go home Jay."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what."
"Doing whatever this is that you're doing to yourself that would bring you out here, right now. Why can't you just let yourself be happy?"
I opened my eyes and stared out into the ocean.
"What make you think I'm not happy."
"How stupid do you think I am...I've known you a long time Kyle. I can read you like a book. And I'm not stupid enough to think every thing is fine with you when I find you out here, by yourself. I may not have been an Eagle Scout, but I can read things pretty good. The position of your car. The tire marks in the dirt. The shit going on in your life right now."
"Go home Jay...go say goodbye to your mother."
"What do you think she would say if she found out I left you out here all by yourself. Especially since you need me right now. I'm not going any where."
"Did I say I needed you."
"No, but you do."
"I don't need you Jay, go home and say goodbye to your Mom. Then go back to Florida and your perfect life there. I repeat...I don't need you."
"That's too bad Kyle, cause you're stuck with me."
I heard some shuffling and then he was standing behind me on the rock. He leaned down and placed a blanket over my shoulders. Then he sat down next to me. The only thing heard for the next ten minutes was the waves and an odd seagull calling out.
"Tell me Ky...What is going on in that head of yours? Why can't you let yourself be happy? What happened in your life that made you feel that you can't just enjoy being happy. Explain it to me Kyle...I want to know...Please."
A tear rolled down my cheek, as I was about to do something I've never done before. I was about to let someone in...I was about to open myself up to someone. Someone that has been waiting for this moment all of our lives.
"Do you really want to know Jay?"
I was still staring straight ahead, but out of the corner of my eye I could see him nodding.
"You happened...It's taken me all these years to figure it out...to admit it to myself. I love you Jason Martin, I've loved you since the day we met. I've always written it off to friendship, but the feelings I have when I am with you...it's not friendship. I realized this when I was with Josh. I feel the same emotions when I am with him as I do when I am with you. I love Josh, Jay...I do, but I can't be with him until I resolve some issues...Issues with him, issues with you and issues with myself."
"Ky...I..."
"Let me finish...Jay...I used to sit behind you in classes and just stare at you. I didn't know why...I was in awe of you. Everything came so easy for you. I was too young to understand my feelings and when I got old enough to understand, I blocked them out. When you came out to me and went through all the shit you went through...that scared me...that scared me to death. You always thanked me for being there to help you through those times...for being strong. I am not strong Jay...you are the strong one. You helped yourself. After that night here...after I took you home...I went home and cried all night... not because of all the stuff that happened here, not because I felt for you and what you were going through...I cried for myself. I cried because I knew that this day would come and I would have to step forward and do battle just like you did. I knew that when this day came, I would not survive like you had. Even if you were here to help me, I would not make it through. But I was wrong...I am ready to try now, so let the battle begin.... I'm gay and I love Josh."
As the words left my mouth, time slowed. The huge ocean waves were hushed. The bird flew in slow motion. I felt a hand against the side of my face and felt it turning my head around. A warmness over took me as lips came in contact with my lips. My eyes shut to the world as the kiss continued. A kiss that I had secretly wanted for the past 15 years. His lips were so soft and gentle. Our lips worked against each other for a few seconds and then he broke the kiss. As I opened my eyes, he shifted positions and was behind me now with his arms around me and his chin resting on my shoulder.
"Can I talk now?" He whispered in my ear.
The feeling and sound of his voice in my ear sent a wave of pleasure through my body.
I nodded my head.
"Kyle...You don't know how many years I've been waiting to hear you say that. You don't know all the things I've done to show you how much I love you. All the stuff you say that came easy to me, did so cause I was doing it to show off to you. The night we were here, I didn't save myself, you saved me. By showing how much you cared about me that is what saved me. I knew that if I killed myself it would hurt you and I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't hurt the one person that I loved the most in this world. I wish I could turn back time and go back to when we were younger and live this day with you then. Who knows what our lives together would be like right now. But I can't... because I love Lance. He is my world now and I will fight until my dying breath to keep what I have with him. Kyle...I am here for you. I will help you through this...but you've got to help yourself. I know that Josh is in your heart, but you have some mending to do. You hurt Josh last night, you hurt him bad and that is something that only you can fix. That my friend is the only battle you have to fight. All the other ones...you've already won."
His hug around me grew tighter as he kissed the side of my face.
"Now let's go home. I have a lot of stuff to do today and you have to go freshen up. You don't smell good at all."
He stood up and held his hand out for me. I grabbed it and he pulled me up. We got down from the rock and he put his arm around my shoulder.
"Are you ok to drive?"
I nodded as he walked me to my car. I started my car and watched him as he climbed into his car. He motioned me to go ahead of him. I backed up and then pulled onto Highway 1 and started my way back. After about a half an hour, we reached Highway 17, but I didn't turn off. I heard him honking behind me, but ignored him. I kept going down Highway 1 until we got to Capitola. I turned off and kept driving until I came to the beach. I parked in one of the spots and got out. As Jay pulled into the spot next to me, I made my way to the barrier wall between the beach and the street. The winter storms at sea were causing these huge waves that were coming right up to the barrier. The whole beach was under water. It was breath taking. I had never seen such big waves before. Jay walked up behind me.
"What do you think you are doing...we have to get back."
"Just look at the waves Jay...God isn't it awesome."
The pounding waves hit the barrier, sending the salty water spraying up at us. The mist hit our faces as we stood side by side watching Mother Nature at her best. We stood there for almost an hour in silence, just watching the show she was putting on for us. I turn around and looked Jay in the eyes.
"Thanks for being here for me Jay."
"Not a problem...Now why are we here."
"I don't know, I heard about the waves here and I just wanted to see it. To share something with you that we can take with us forever... a special moment together."
He took me in his arms and hugged me.
"Thank you Kyle, I will remember it always."
I turned around in his arms and we watched the show for few more minutes.
"Let's go home...If we show up missing, my mother will kill us both."
He moved his arm onto my shoulder and walked me to our cars.
"Ok mister...no funny business. It's straight home ok."
I nodded and we headed out. After about an hour and twenty minutes of driving, we made it back to Los Gatos. I waved at Jay as he turned off the highway heading back to his house and I headed to my place. I walked in and went to my bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. It was just past noon as my eyes closed.
The clock read 3:55 when I was awoken by the phone ringing.
"Hello."
"Ky, wake your ass up and get ready."
"Who is this?"
"I'll give you a few hints...I'm friendly and some asshole thinks I look like a ghost."
"Hey Lance, what do you want."
"Jay told me to give you a wake up call. And to tell you to have your ass over here at 4:45 or else."
"Or else what?"
"Or else he would call your Mom up and tell her that she better taste the vodka in the liquor cabinet, cause they just might taste like water."
"He wouldn't."
I heard in the background..."yes I would, now get your ass over here."
"Come on Ky, you think by now you would have replaced that already."
"Shut up Casper, shall I send your ass to the store to buy it...Mr. I'm not legal yet. God, can't drink...can't gamble...what use are you."
"Well..I'm hung like a horse and Jay can find plenty of uses for that."
"Ok, I'm hanging up now...I really didn't need to hear that."
"Well, you started this."
"Bye Lance."
"Bye."
I hung up the phone and jumped into the shower. In twenty minutes, I was ready and on my way to Jay's house. They were all waiting outside for me as I pulled up. As I parked, my eyes meet Josh's. He looked at me with a blank stare and walked over to Jay's car and got into the back seat. Jay waved at me, as he walked to his car. Lance, Chris, Joey, Justin and Kenny were standing together talking. As they ended their conversation, Lance walked to Jay's car and the rest walked over to my car and started to get in. Justin climbed into the passenger seat and the others climbed in back.
"Ky, is it ok if we all drive with you. Lance and Jay want to talk to Josh alone."
"Sure Joey, not a problem."
It was silent until I spoke again.
"You guys look good, new suits."
"Yeah, Jay took us out to the mall earlier. Kinda had to grab and buy." Chris said looking out the window.
"You weren't spotted or anything were you?"
"Na, we can dress down to where no one can recognize us. Plus, Josh and Lance didn't go with us."
"Yeah and with Joey covering up his red hair and with Jay and Kenny walking next to us, we looked like everyday people." Justin said, taking over for Chris.
It was a short drive to the funeral home and in less then five minutes we pulled into the parking lot. My parent's car and Shelly's car were already there and Jay was already parked. They were still sitting in the car talking as we got out and headed in. We were met by my parents in the lobby.
"Hi Honey." My mother said hugging me. "Where's Jason?"
"He's out in the parking lot, he'll be in soon."
As we were waiting for Jay, Lance and Josh, Justin walked over to me.
"Ky, I was just wondering if there was going to be a church service for Jay's mom."
I shook my head as he looked at me with a questioning look on his face.
"Justin, Jay's mother was always a church going person. When Jay came out, the church turned it's back on her. She went to the church and her friends for support and they weren't there for her. She didn't step foot into a church after that."
He nodded his head and smiled. Chris and Joey had walked up behind him and were listening to us.
"It must have been hard for her."
"It was, but she turned to Jay and together they made it through all the rough times."
"So this is the only service for her?"
"Yeah, she wanted a small informal service. Only my family, Jay and who ever Jay wanted there."
We all turned as the door opened and Jay, Lance and Josh walked in. My parents went over to him and my mother pulled him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and they stood there for about 2 minutes. Jay's body started to convulse with sobs. He had held himself together for two days and now he was letting it all out. My father was rubbing his back, while my mother held on to him. My mother finally pulled out of the hug and took his head into her hands.
"Baby...everything is going to be fine..."
Jay wiped his eyes and nodded. Shelly and Kellie walked over and Shelly kissed him on the cheek.
"Are you ok?"
Jay nodded at her, hugged her and placed his hand on Kellie's shoulder and smiled at her. My father put his arms around his shoulder.
"Let's go son, it's time to say goodbye."
Jay pulled my father into a hug and then nodded. He turned towards the door that led into the viewing room. I walked over to him.
"Ready?"
He nodded and then pulled me into a hug.
"Ky, I need to see her alone."
I nodded and then went to my parents and told them as he entered the room and closed the door behind him. We waited outside for about 15 minutes and then finally the door slowly opened. I walked over to the door and Jay came out. He looked at me and smile.
"She looks so beautiful Ky."
I nodded at him.
"Everything Ok?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
He put his arm around me and we entered the room, followed by everyone else. We all sat down in the chairs that were set up. A minister entered and I recognized him as the one from the church Jay and his mother attended before their falling out with the church. He smiled and Jay and walked over to him and paid his condolences. He walked up to the front and looked at Jane, bowed his head and crossed himself saying a silent prayer.
He turned to us and smiled.
"Good evening. First off, I would like to offer my condolences to Jay. Jay, your mother was a good woman. I am humbled by the strength she showed during those trying times many years ago and all during her fight with the disease that took her from us. I would like to make peace with her and you for my blindness and lack of faith during those days. I can only offer as an excuse that I am human and make human mistakes. For that I apologize...to Jay, his mother and to my father in heaven above. Father, forgive me and take Jane into your arms. Offer her the love and support that those of us on earth were to blind to offer her while she walked with us. She is an angel and she will serve you well, father. Jay...I hope forgiveness is in your heart and you are able to forgive this old fool for past digressions."
Jay was looking down at his hands and nodded.
"Please rise..."
Every stood up and repeated what the minister said.
"Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen....Please, bow your head and offer a moment of silent prayer for Jane."
The room grew silent as each of us bowed our head.
"Amen."
He motioned for us to sit. As we sat, he looked at Jane and then back at us. He smiled again at Jay as Jay took Lance's hand in his own and held it tight.
"I'll make this short. I know that Jane didn't want a big fuss put on for her sake. And Jane always gets what she wants. She wanted the best for her son and he got the best. Jay has grown up into a fine young man, with a bright future and from what I hear, he is in a loving relationship. I am happy for you Jason, as I am sure your mother is too. When I first heard of Jane's illness, I called her. But she would not see me. I was persistent and finally she allowed me to visit her. We talked and she made me promise not to tell anyone of her ailment. She explained to me that this would be the best for Jason and why she thought so. I look out today and I see what she meant by that. I see the love that Jason has for his partner and without his knowing, it is all due to his mother. Do not be sad for Jane, for she has left with us her love and compassion in Jason and she has moved on to do God's work above instead of on this earth.
He motioned to my father to come up and place a flower in Jane's casket. We all followed his led. One by one we walked up and took a flower and placed it in the casket and said our goodbye. I went up after everyone else, right before Jay. I placed the flower beside Jane's head. I looked down at her, remembering how important she was in my life...She was my second mother. I put my hand inside the casket and with the back of my finger, I caressed her cheek. I had never seen a dead person in my life. As my finger ran across her cheek, I couldn't believe that what I was touching was once Jane. She was always so full of life, so feisty and full of energy. I stared down at her and saw her smiling up at me. I heard her voice in my head.
"Be happy Kyle, trust your heart."
I closed my eyes and said my goodbye to her. When I opened my eyes, Jay was standing next to me. A tear rolled down my cheek as I looked at him. He put his arms around me from behind and placed his chin on my shoulder.
"Goodbye Mom...I love you." I said as I kissed my finger and placed it against her lips.
Tears started flowing out of my eyes and I walked away from Jay. My mother was standing there in front of me and I walked into her arms. We hugged silently as Jay finished saying his goodbye.
I gathered myself and pulled away from my mother. No words were said as I leaned over and kissed her on her cheek. We all walked out into the lobby. When Jay joined us, my father walked over to Jay.
"Are you Ok Jay?"
"Yeah Dad, I'm fine."
"We made reservations at The Chart House...down the street, we'll met you guys there Ok."
He nodded as my father turned and walked out the door with my mother at his side, followed by Shelly and Kellie.
We left and drove over to the restaurant. When we walked in, the two young ladies at the desk looked at the guys and started whispering and pointing. Kenny saw this and immediately kicked into his manager mode, pulling them aside and dealing with the situation. We were led to our table were my family was already seated. The restaurant was pretty crowded, but my parent had reserved the whole area for privacy reasons.
The table was pretty quiet, including Kellie. Who got her wish and had Justin sitting next to her. She was white as a ghost and kept shyly glancing up at him. He would just smile at her and she would turn away.
Again, my eyes kept being drawn to Josh. But he was not returning my looks. My heart fell as I shut down. The small conversations going on around me sounded like they were being spoken in a foreign language. Everything was moving in slow motion. I just wanted this night to end. Our dinners came and we ate with the conversations around the table picking up. Josh, who for some reason, had ended up sitting right next to my mother, was in a deep conversation with her. The room started to spin around me.
I excused myself and headed to the bathroom. I sat there in the bathroom washing my face with cold water when the door opened. When I looked up, I saw my father standing next to me.
"Is there something wrong Son?"
"I'm fine Dad...I just needed to get out of there for a second."
"Do you want to talk about anything, your mother tells me that you just aren't yourself."
"I'm just a little confused about things right now. When I figure them out, I will explain it all to you and Mom."
"Ah...confused....Love can do that to you."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked my father in a shocked and louder
than I wanted voice.
"Kyle...all your mother and I want for you is to be happy. Nothing more nothing less. It doesn't matter to us where you find it, just as long as it is what you want. Think about that Son...now if you will excuse me, my dinner is getting cold. Oh and one more piece of advice...Don't wait too long, what you want may not be there when you decide you want it."
He patted me on the back and walked out the door. I stood there looking at myself in the mirror. I was in shock. My father had just stood there and basically told me that he knew more about what was going on in my mind than I did.
"What the fuck is going on here." I said out loud and I threw cold water over my face again and dried my face. My head was pounding and I felt dizzy as I walked up the stairs to the table. I could hear them all talking. As I entered the room grew quiet.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm not feeling at all well. Shell, can you please give the guys a ride back to Jay's house."
"Kyle, honey...are you Ok?"
"Yeah, Mom, I'm fine. I just haven't had much sleep and I think it's hitting me."
"Ky..."
I held up my hand to stop Jay.
"Jay, I said I am fine. I will see you all tomorrow morning."
I turned and walked out of the room and down the stairs. As I walked out of the restaurant, I kept expecting someone to come running out after me. No one came. I walked over to my car and got in. I looked over at the restaurant. Still no one came. Then it hit me. I was expecting Josh to come running out and jump into the car with me and we would drive away. He didn't come. I stayed there waiting and he still didn't come. Finally I started the car and drove home. I climbed into bed. Why didn't he come after me? As soon as my head hit my pillow, darkness over took me.