I stare out the window of my apartment at the people walking on the street. They all look so tiny from way up here, like roaches scurrying around from crumb to crumb. They're just insignificant specs in time, barely nanoseconds in this massive universe. But I can't talk about them because I am one of them. I am just as insignificant and useless as they are, only I have a job that makes me feel important, but leaves my heart still shallow and empty. Times like these remind me that Karen was right, she deserved more. Our marriage was never a real marriage, it was more of a committed friendship with the occasional benefits, and the benefits dwindled over time. We had gone six months without sex before she cut me loose. The older I got, the harder it became to get sexually excited by her. She was a beautiful woman and she maintained a nice body, but she wasn't Jerry and each year with her only served to make that fact more obvious.
She thought I had a sexual dysfunction, but the problem was that I wanted sex from someone else. I was sexually turned on every time I saw Jerry, and I had a growing addiction to gay porn that only became worse when we got the Internet. As wonderful as she was, she just didn't do it for me. About a month after she dumped me, I discovered that her new boyfriend was in the picture before she gave me the boot. I can't say I blame her, and she assured me that the two were only friends until we separated, but I still feel as if I pushed her in to the arms of another man. How long did I really expect her to stay around?
I leave the window and walk over to my desk. I sit down my cup of coffee and pull out my cell phone. I call my voicemail so I can hear his voice again.
"Hey, Dan. I talked to Karen today. She had some interesting news. Call me back."
Jerry's voice haunted me. I knew I couldn't hide our divorce from him forever. I tried to tell him months ago. I called Jerry the day after Karen and I decided to call it quits. We arranged to meet up at our usual sports bar for dinner. I was going to tell him that Karen and I were getting a divorce, but he wanted to share his news first.
"They want me to be a guest professor for a semester. Isn't that great?" His smile only served to make him look even more heavenly, more perfect, more unreal.
He was a great writer and he had published several young adult novels. A community college 300 miles away wanted him to come teach a creative writing class while the regular professor was out on maternity leave. He didn't mind that he was last on their list and that all of the other candidates had turned them down. He didn't even care that he only had a week to get his stuff together and move. I knew he really wanted to do it, and I didn't want to be the reason he stayed behind, so I didn't tell him I was getting a divorce.
"Now what's your news?" he asked me as he took a swallow of his beer.
"I'm going to cut back on my hours at work."
"That's great!" he told me. "I was starting to feel guilty because I see you more than your family does." We both laughed, but we both knew it was true. I spent most of my free time with him, not my family. All I wanted in life was to be near him, that was all I needed, nothing physical or sexual or emotional, just his presence.
Jerry usually called my cell phone, so it was easy enough to let him believe that everything was going okay at home. He wasn't surprised when I was the only person who showed up to send him off to his new home. It was always just the two of us.
He'd been gone for about four months. He was very vague about when he was returning and yesterday I received a phone call from Karen.
"Hey Dan, I just called to warn you that Jerry was just here."
"What? What did you tell him?"
"Everything. And you should be ashamed of yourself, I can't believe you didn't tell him about us! How could you do this to me? You should have seen the look on his face when I told him we were divorced. It was a combination of sadness and hope. I didn't know if I should hug him or give him a high five." She laughed at her own comment before saying, "He's really hurt that you didn't tell him."
I heard a familiar buzzing sound from my phone and I looked to see that I had an incoming call from Jerry. "He's calling on the other line. I can't talk to him." I told her.
"Let it go to voice mail, but you better call him back today. I can't imagine how he feels, knowing that his so called best friend didn't tell him he was getting a divorce."
"Did you tell him where I live?"
"No, I think he was too shocked to ask, and I wasn't going to volunteer."
"Thanks."
"Don't thank me yet. I let you go so you could be with him, but you're not even trying. I'm doing my best not to interfere because I know it's not my place, so I suggest you move soon or I'll be forced to take some action." She paused for a moment and I was about to ask her what she suggested I do, but she kept talking. "I had to lie to him today and tell him I divorced you because you worked too much. Do you know he defended you? He told me that you worked hard because you loved me. Ha. Isn't that something? Here I was handing you to him on a silver platter and his only thought was to try to help you by convincing me to give you another chance. He's a great guy and a loyal friend to you and if you didn't love him so much we would probably get along better." She made a nervous laugh. "But that's all behind us now. I have Peter and you're going to have Jerry soon, right?"
"Well."
"Well, what?"
"I've been thinking about it. Maybe we've waited too long to give it a try. Maybe we should focus on being friends."
"Are you dead yet?"
"No."
"Okay, so it's not too late."
"What if he still loves me?"
"What if? Obviously he loves you. I see it in his eyes when he looks at you or talks about you. Why do you think all of his so called friends have resembled you? He loves you. He can't deny it."
"But what about the kids? I can't do this to them!"
"Dan, shut up and take a deep breath. We've been over this. We will sit down and talk about it with them. They'll understand. They don't have a choice. Now I know you're scared and you don't want to say those words that will change the rest of your life, but you need to do this. If not for you, do it for me. I want you to be happy Daniel, and I know this will make you happy. This is my gift to you, so don't spit in my face, take it and be happy. Let him make you happy Dan."
"I don't think I can do it Karen. I'm too scared."
"Do you need me to come over?"
"No, I just need some time alone so I can think. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Are you going to call him back?"
"Maybe tomorrow."
"Okay."
"Bye Karen, and thank you for everything. I mean it."
"I know you do, Daniel, I know you do." She hung up the phone and I called my voicemail to check the message Jerry left. It was simple and to the point. I knew something was wrong. Daniel is not the type to leave a short message when he's upset.
Now back to today. I listen to the message one more time before I call him.
"Hello." I want to hang up when I hear his voice. "Hello?" I open my mouth to speak. "I know it's you Daniel, so say something." I still can't speak. My stomach does a few somersaults before it finally ties a bunch of little knots inside me and punches at the lining.
"Sorry." I whisper.
"Why didn't you tell me? I would have stayed to help you go through this."
"I know, I just"
"Wait, I don't want to talk about it over the phone. We should do this face-to-face, so where do you live?"
"1400 East 42nd street, apartment 14A."
"I should have known you would move somewhere exclusive." The sound of his laughter is like music to my heart. My jitters begin to ease a little and I am finally able to breathe properly. "I'll be there soon."
"Okay." I hang up the phone and take another deep breath. My life is about to change forever. I am going to say goodbye to the old Daniel Court and hello to someone I have never met before. I am going to be a person I have no right to become, and the irony is that I've never felt happier. I can't wait to tell him how I feel, because it's been weighing me down for too long.
My cell rings about 20 minutes later. "Hey Jerry, are you here?"
"Yes, buzz me up." He hung up before I could say anything else. I pushed the button and waited for him. He knocked on my door about 5 minutes after I buzzed him in. I knew he must have stopped for a few minutes to get himself together because it never takes 5 minutes to get to my apartment in the middle of the day.
I open the door. "Hey."
"Hey," he says as he walks in. I close the door behind him and tell myself that it's now or never.
"She left me so I could be with you. She thinks I'm in love with you." I kept my focus on the closed door, too afraid to turn around and face him. He puts his hands on my shoulders and forces me to turn around.
"Are you?" he asks.
"Yes." The look on his face changes from one of sorrow to one of anger and disbelief.
"All this time?"
"Yes."
He walks over to my sofa and takes a seat. "All these years?"
"Yes."
"When did you tell her?"
"I didn't have to. She says she's known since the wedding. She thought she could change it, but she says she's too old to keep holding on to me. She wants me to be happy. She wants me to be with you."
"So what do you want?" he asked me.
"I don't know."
"Well what were you thinking? Did you think you would tell me this and I would come running back to you like nothing had changed? Like I hadn't forced myself to let go of you years ago? Like I don't have a life of my own? What if I was dating someone right now? What would you want me to do? Dump him and be with you? Is that it? Was I supposed to be secretly pining away for you all these years?"
I didn't know what to say to him, so I made a joke. "Weren't you?" I laughed to let him know I wasn't completely serious, but the look on his face never changed.
"This isn't a joke. We're not the same people we were 16 years ago. We've both changed. You're balding, I'm getting fat. You've got two teenage kids, I've got a cat. You've never been with a guy, I've been with lots of them. You laugh when you're scared, I cry. Ha, I cry." I saw a tear slide down his right cheek. He stood up and said, "I need time to think. I'll call you later." He walked past me towards the door. He reached for the doorknob and it was my turn to stop him.
"Every boyfriend you've ever had has looked like me. We both know that means something." He stood there for a few seconds.
He turned and looked at me and I saw that his face was drowning in tears. "I'll talk to you later." With that said, he unlocked the door and left. Needless to say, that was not the way I planned it.
c Lustyville 2006 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.