Disclaimer - Everything here in is complete fiction. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental. All situations are a product of the authors mind, and is not intended for those who do not like gay fiction, nor is it intended for those under age or where such material is not legal. Other wise, have fun and enjoy.
Author's Note at the Bottom
Nothing Worth Having is Ever Easy
Chapter 5 ~ Bring Me To Life
How can you see into my eyes like open doors leading you down into my core where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) before I come undone (Save me) save me from the nothing I've become
now that I know what I'm without you can't just leave me breathe into me and make me real bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) before I come undone (Save me) save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life (I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside) Bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see kept in the dark but you were there in front of me I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems got to open my eyes to everything without a thought without a voice without a soul don't let me die here there must be something more bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can't wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) bid my blood to run (I can't wake up) before I come undone (Save me) save me from the nothing I've become
(Bring me to life) I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside (Bring me to life)
"Bring Me To Life ~ Evanescence (feat. Paul McCoy)
For the last week Ash had been hanging out with me, Mandy, Adam and Taylor, and he actually fits in pretty well with us. If he wasn't so painfully shy even around us, I have no doubt he could have been the class clown. His sense of humor is campy and definitely off the wall, and maybe even a little crude at times, but it's just such a part of who he is that I can't picture him in any other way and its shocking to me because I would never have guessed he was like this.
Getting him to hang out with us has been a chore in itself, and only in the last day or so has he accepted our invitations to go out to lunch. He's so timid and looks like he's afraid to be seen with me and the others, and there are times I catch him studying me, which he always averts his gaze quickly, but I get the weirdest feeling about it. Like on the one hand my heart leaps into my chest and I get so excited because my dreams come back to me all over again when I see him. I have this feeling towards him that I seriously cannot explain while on the other hand I feel almost like he feels the same way that I am.
Which is completely ridiculous because the whole "Ash is Gay" thing was just Bobby Ray being a dick . . . right?
Oh speaking of the devil, the asshole was so pissed at us he spent a week getting revenge on all of us. I WATCHED Bobby Ray as he tripped Kyle after practice, making him bust his arm, and I saw Bobby Ray steal Adam's homework for Chemistry, so Adam got an F on the assignment. For Adam that was awful because even though he's a football Jock, the guy is as smart as any of the so-called "nerds" and his grades are more important to him except playing ball. I won't even go into the things he's done to the others because I have no way to prove it, but I know the slippery bastard is behind it.
Bobby Ray hasn't said a thing to me (not that I cared at this point because I was generally ignoring him) and so far as I know nothing to Mandy or Ash, though I doubt Ash would tell us anything right now given how shy he is. But Bobby Ray loves to glare at me now and I could have sworn the other day he looked like he wanted to beat my ass when he saw my arm around Ash's shoulders. It looked like he was seriously pissed because I was paying attention to Ash.
It hadn't been my intention to get Bobby Ray knocked off the team, that was the Coach's call, but I can't say I was really sad about it. I mean don't get me wrong, being 1st Quarter back kicks ass (and by extension I'm now the Captain) but it wasn't what I was going after. I simply asked the coach to talk to Bobby Ray about his attitude. I would have loved to tell him about Bobby Ray tripping Kyle but I didn't think I'd be believed, so I kept that little tid-bit to myself.
So one day after practice the two of them were talking in the office while the rest of us was in the showers. At first none of us paid it any attention, but then we heard raised voices and the next thing we know, Bobby Ray stomped out screaming "FUCK YOU COACH!" and then he was storming out of the locker room. You could have heard a pin drop from the silence that followed, but slowly every one went back to rinsing off.
Now something I gotta mention here. Before this whole thing with Ash, and especially the dreams about him (which by the way, were all the same as before, only there was a lot more kissing and cuddling afterwards with me holding him as he falls asleep) I never took a second glance at my teammates. But now I found myself noticing them and I mean in a serious sexual way. It was uncanny the way I was noticing the different shapes and sizes, the different body types, but none of them made me hard.
When I thought about Ash, damn now that was a whole other story. I got so hard it hurt when I saw him and I ended up wearing my Jock strap instead of boxers, that way it couldn't be noticed. The problem with the other guys was that none of them were Ash; with his lithe frame and adorable face, those eyes you could just stare into for hours and his whole demeanor made you want to hold him and never let go.
All these thoughts only helped confuse me, because I found myself wanting to just be around him. He was so funny when we were off at lunch and he was only around me, Mandy, Taylor and Adam. The guy has got a wicked -- if not off beat -- sense of humor and the way he says things is too funny to try and explain. The way I felt about him, and more importantly around him, was unlike anything I'd ever felt for Mandy and that only confused me more because I didn't know what to do.
And to make matters worse, Mandy truly took a liking to him. They shared several classes and were doing projects in both their English and Math class together, so now they were also talking almost every night on the phone. One night I called Mandy and she told me she'd call me back later because she was on the phone with Ash. But she never called did. I wasn't to disturbed by it until the next morning when she explained she and Ash had been on the phone until almost midnight talking about so many different things.
You cannot believe how jealous I was then. I wanted to scream and punch walls because she got to talk to him and for so long at that. But I kept my cool as best as I could, and asked her about what they talked about, which led to me learning a lot more about Ash than I ever could have dreamed getting from him on his own. He was a Scorpio and his birthday was creeping up here in the next week. His favorite color was every kind of Blue and he loved Chinese food. He was an avid reader and could read about a book a day if he didn't have to go to school. I also found out his favorite author's included Stephen King, Ann Rice, Dean Koontz, Piers Anthony, JK Rowling and J.R.R Tolkien. I found out he loves all kinds of music, but mostly Metal and Hard Rock, like Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, Korn, Evanescence and Linkin Park. But he also had a thing for World and New Age music, so he liked Delerium (his favorite) Enigma, Deep Forest, Enya, Loreena McKennitt and Sarah Brightman.
What's funny is I love Chinese food, my favorite color is Navy Blue, I like to read but not as much as he does, and I've read most of the authors he has, and we like most of the same music, except I'm more into Metal and Rap. I'm a Cancer, and according to my mom, Scorpio is supposed to be my "perfect" match. She really knows a lot about that kind of stuff cause when she was younger she had been very into it. Now it's against her religious beliefs to put any faith in it. She said it had something to do with Witch Craft, but I think it was only because my dad was in the room. His family is almost cult-ish in their beliefs. Anything that went against his way of thinking was basically not right, and there for could not be done.
Mandy also told me he was an only child (like me) but his parents both had to work a lot just to keep a roof over their heads, so he was alone a lot. That made me feel bad because my parents were doing really well in their lives and did everything they could to take part in my life; going to my games and meets, ragging on me to keep my grades good, making me go to church every Sunday, you know, that general parent thing.
The most important thing about Ash though, was that he liked to write and wanted to be a published author. The only problem he has was that he was so self conscious about his writing he'd never let anyone read anything he'd done, though Mandy was doing her best to try and get him to let her read some of it. From what she said, he had some fantastic ideas and she was blown away by just how incredible he was -- a feeling I was beginning to feel as well.
But again it confused me. The things I was feeling for him where against everything I had been taught. It was against my parent's beliefs and against my religion. How could I be thinking these things about him? How could I want him the way I did? If God hated it so much then why would he let the devil put thoughts like that in my head? It made me start questioning a lot of what I had been taught. I mean, wasn't the devil supposed to be evil, spreading hate and discontent? Why would he bother making me (or a gay guy or a lesbian for that matter) fall in love with another guy? Wasn't love the opposite of hate? Wasn't Love supposed to be associated with God, as he's supposed to be this being of Love and Light?
The implications of the whole thing were mind-boggling. It made me think back to something the pastor had said a few years ago about God making Man in his own image, and that we were all his children. There were a lot of gays out there who said they were born this way, that this was how they had always felt. I couldn't say that was true for me, because until Ash, I had never felt this way towards any girl, let alone a guy. But then that wasn't really true. I could remember watching porn with Bobby Ray and while watching the woman suck off the guys was hot, now that I thought about it more, I liked watching that more than the guy fucking the girl -- unless it showed his ass from behind as his cock moved in and out of her. I never thought what that could mean until now, and when I jerked off, all of my fantasies were about sucking Ash, or him fucking me. It was becoming even more baffling than I had originally thought.
I just didn't understand any of it. I wanted him more and more and yet he seemed so far away at the same time. Because there was something else that Mandy had told me, something that made me burry my feelings even deeper. Ash wasn't even gay. Not that he told her, but she didn't think so, because he didn't act like her cousin Danny is, though I've never met him, and she said there was no way he could ever hide it. She loved him, just like the rest of her family, but they had a more liberal point of view than my family, so I knew that if it came to it, telling her what I was feeling probably wouldn't be to bad of a thing. They were more like friends than a real couple anyway. Most couples who had been together as long as they had usually said "I Love You" and could be seen making out around school during lunch, or kissing each other good bye before classes.
But not us.
The more I thought about it, the more confused I got, and by the next time I saw Ash I felt like I was dying inside. There was just no way it could ever happen between us. Because even if I really was gay, there was no way I could risk anyone finding out about it, and the point was mute because I was sure now, more than ever that Ash was straight, and that made me cry my self to sleep the last two nights.
But then again, just to be around him, to see him smile and to hear his soft laughter, it made me feel so alive, it was like until he came into my life, I had been hidden away from the world and he was the one who found me and brought me back to the world.
What am I going to do?
Author's Note:
Thank you again to everyone who has read so far. I know I thank everyone who has emailed me two or three times, but I can't help but feel you deserve it. The kind of support you all have given me has been wonderful and I appreciate it so much! (Especially Maddy {Sorry girl, I had to say it again!}) Chapter 6 will be up tomorrow as I've been working on this none stop for a week now. I'm almost done with Chapter 10, but I still have to put it into the computer.
I'm going to be taking a break soon, probably after chapter 13 or 14, because I really, really, really need to finish another project. I'm four chapters from being done with it, andwhere chapters for this story are about 4 pages with the song lyrics and the formatting, the chapter's for my actual books are 10 pages of single spaced solid writing, and they take some serious time to write. This story is going to be my break from "reality" and I promise there will be a chapter a week. If not its because something unforeseen has come up as these kinds of things always do.
Copyright 2005