The usual set of disclaimers. I don't know any of them in real life, nor do I know anything about N'Sync. This is a work of fiction and hope that you enjoy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hole in the Back of Their Hearts
Rain. Droplets of water falling from the sky and splattering onto the car. The weather wasn't particularly stormy, just the yearly spring rains that roll into the city. People were about. They weren't afraid of the rain. They were being bold, strutting their new wardrobe underneath the protective covering of an umbrella. Mundane day like any other. The only difference is that there were fewer cars on the road due to the rain. I was heading nowhere special. It was another day at work and nothing special ever happens there. Time has a way of changing the scenery, people, and things you do. In the end, time cannot change the longing embedded in someone's mind. It may cover it up or dress it up with new places or things, but it's still there.
It's been 3 years after I graduated from high school. The friends I made there all disappeared one by one. I haven't seen any of them since. I left my old job as assistant manager at the theatre and went to become a part timer in a little software store. I left the theatre business not because I wanted to do something else, but the manager there just gave me a hard time. After the little fiasco a couple years back, I couldn't put up with it and gave him my resignation. It was for the better, I doubt I would be able to hold my punch any longer.
I now work at Electronics Boutique. Love it or hate it, that's where I ended up. It was a pretty good place for me to work. Surprisingly enough, I knew a lot about the video game industry and all of their games. Guess it comes with the territory with working next to games almost everyday. I worked with a few good people there. Cindy was the assistant manager there. She's outgoing and carefree. She and I got along very well together. John was the manager at the store there. Very annoying, forgetful goof. Bleh. Then there's Steve. Heh, what can I say bout him.
Kinda strange relationship I have with Steve. I can't really put my finger on why I am so attracted to him. He's not the best looking guy I've seen and yet I can't get enough of his company. He has piercing blue eyes which I constantly get myself lost in. A quarrel I have with him is his attitude towards things and sometimes me. Sarcasm is the name of the game for him. If it doesn't relate to him, then it's not his problem. He is sometimes cruel without even knowing it. I guess he doesn't care for anyone else except himself. The other major problem with him is that he's not on my side. To make it blunt, he's not gay. Heh, I know you're either laughing at me or think I'm a total nut that I'm attracted to a straight guy, but I just don't know why. It sucks to be me as he would put it.
All of this could have started back in my high school days. Now that I come to think of it, I've never really realized I was gay till I got into college. I never really had any attraction to guys during high school. All I cared about was hanging out and having fun. When college rolled along, I started to see lots of people.lots of different people. Then I started to become fascinated with guys with blue eyes and would just dumbfoundedly stare at them.
Yeah, but it happened before that I think. It was during spring break that everything changed. That's the time I fell in love, got my heart broken, went on adventures, was truly happy for the first time. It's when I met Josh. I went with my parents to Disney World for a family trip and I ended up there alone because they had to go to some stupid meeting. I guess I was expecting it. They are never around and I have to fend for myself most of the time anyway. I suppose it was for the better. By leaving, I had the chance to do whatever I want. I ended up going to Disney by myself to take in the scenery. That's where I `bumped' into Josh. It kinda hurt, but he apologized and I apologized and that's when I noticed his crystal blue eyes.
Took me a while to get a grip and act as normal as I could. I suppose what made me fall for him is not because of his looks, it was his good heart. He was a warm and loving person. Always there when you needed him. Always there to put a smile on your face. That's what I loved about him. I loved him because he cared for me and for my feelings. For the first time, someone actually cares about how I felt and what I thought. I cared just as much for him as he did for me. But it was never meant to be I suppose. He lived in Florida and I lived in San Francisco. There was no way to ever make it work. I sometimes think that God is just playing with me, knowing that I'll be single for the rest of my life. I don't care. I don't believe in God and I already knew that I am destined for a lonely existence.
I met a couple of other guys here, but they didn't have that kind of warmth to them. Either they were too self centered or they just didn't care very much about other people. So after a few times, I just stopped looking. All of the people I chatted on the internet says that it'll come, etc. etc. everything is going to turn out ok. Heh, optimism is not my thing. Again I fell into that tired old rut about just mucking through life. I am never really happy. I put on that face so that I won't depress anyone else. I try to help people and the response I get is one with suspicion and the like. I tried to be nice to the people that work at the movie theatre that I once worked in and everybody there didn't like me. They all assumed that I was playing this `game' with them. That event just made me shut myself inside a turtle shell.
Time passed a bit and I ended up in a different job. At least I know what I'm talking about this time around. I ended up in the software retail business. How ironic that I would never work for a retail chain and yet here I am in a little store. That just strengthens the notion that my life is really fucked up. Anyway, it's an ok job. I get to do nothing most of the time and when people ask me questions I know the answer, not just making some bull about it.
Of course this is also the time that I met Steve. He's a brash, sarcastic, self centered kind of guy. Always has a joke or a remark about anything and everything. Doesn't care about anyone else but himself. If something bad happens to someone else, "Oh well, sucks to be you," is his reply. Steve worked at the same store I did so I was quiet most of the time because I didn't know how to talk to a guy like him. As the days went on when I worked there, I started to talk to him more and more. He's very intelligent and knows a lot about hardware and networking. He knows more about operating systems than I do. Not many people I've met can do that, heh.
On the outside he's a jerk, but the more I talked to him the more I realized that he was a good guy. He doesn't like to show his `soft' side very much. I guess I'm thankful that he trusts me enough to show his side. We would stay late after work and just talk about stuff in general. It was kinda fun. Though he would always leave early and leave me behind to close up the store. That's what I hated most about him. He always managed to use me for his own ends not care about what I thought or felt. He doesn't seem to have a guilty conscious because he has never apologized to anything. Steve takes things for granted most of the time, that aspect also bothers me.
Ah work.how uneventful. Parking the car on the second floor of the garage and going through the set of steel double doors is a regular routine. The cold metal doors are always there to greet me silently when I entered everyday. Work is no big thing. I happen to be employed in a mall. Yes, a mall. Not an `upper-class' mall like Stonestown or Embarcadero, but a ghetto one. What can you expect from a mall with a Target, Payless, and all the other discount stores around you. Not to mention the fact that there's construction all around and things are falling apart.
Store is quite small, but I don't mind. Most of the time it's empty because most of the people living around the mall can't really afford the stuff in there. They just look at things go ooh and ahh, but don't buy anything. The people I work there are real laid back, but know what they are doing. Cindy is currently our manager. Actually, she's an acting manager till we get a full time one. Reason for this is that the other one transferred to a store closer to where he lives, so we're manager-less for a while. Then there's Brian, Ed, Paul, and Steve. Brian's Filipino, like me, but only heavier and has a shaved head. Paul's from England and Steve is just nuts. I work with a normal crew round here.
I don't think that Ed noticed me walk in. I entered the back room and put my coat on the dolly. Turning around and glancing at the schedule, I heard the door slowly open. Once it was open enough, Ed stuck his head through.
"Oh," Ed said surprised, "Hey Mano."
"Hiya Ed," I replied and walked out through the door.
"Kid's have been opening the door and I thought it was them."
"Ah...I get it. So what's up."
"Nothing at all," he grumbled, "John came in then left."
"Typical," I agreed, "Anything that needs to be done?"
"Nope...did em all."
"Ah...you should take it easy then."
"Na it's ok," Ed said, "I've got nutting to do."
"Heh." I looked around behind the counter, "Where's what now?"
"Well," Ed started to explain, "John decided to put all the Gameboy games with the other Nintendo crap and put the guts on the bottom."
"In the hold area?" I asked.
"Heh...yeah."
"That's pretty stupid," I snickered.
"Well...it's his store and if he's stupid...he's stupid."
It wasn't ever close to being busy at 4pm. No one came in...literally. It was early in the day for people to actually come in and buy crap. (Heh, employees aren't allowed to say things like crap...but I don't give a shit.) I gathered stuff from the back room to the front so that everything was re-stocked.
"So are you closing with Steve tonight?" Ed asked.
"Yeah..." I replied coldly. Ed looked at me a bit odd. "He's left me pretty much alone for the last 3 days...been leaving early for whatever reason."
"John does the same thing to me," Ed tried to sympathize, "But I never had to close."
"Yeah...I don't give a shit bout him anymore."
A bit of silence ensued forth and Ed changed the subject to John and how he's being a stupid ass. It's true...he's basically an impulsive liar that wants to impress everyone, but it never works. He's too starved for attention to actually do anything.
Ed left the store a bit to get coffee. He let me know so that I wouldn't trip out that I was alone in the store. Not like it mattered very much anyway. I try to make friends, but hey...I get screwed in the end. It's just far easier to be alone than to be anything else.
With a cup of coffee in hand, Ed walked back in the store taking the occasional sip or two. A few minutes later Steve walked in.
"What's up Steve," Ed said to him.
"S'up Ed," he replied, "Where's the boss man? He leave again?"
"As usual," Ed replied.
I was helping a customer, so I didn't get a chance to say hi. I wasn't really in the mood to say hi or even make eye contact. Week was pretty much hell for me. Being by myself for the last week, not being able to eat anything is all taking a huge toll on me. I'm surprised that I was still awake. I went back in the back room to get some accessory for a customer and then shortly coming out to help em.
"I got to talk to the women today," Steve said after I finished helping the customer.
I snickered.
"I didn't get a chance to get their names cause I was laughing so hard."
"Thought Goober asked?" I replied not looking at him.
"He did, but they didn't tell them their real names. All 3 of them hated the guy." Steve replied.
"Heh," I softly snickered.
"Well, actually 2 of em gave him false names, third one couldn't think of one."
"Sounds like an airhead," Ed added.
"Yup, she is," agreeing with him, "Not the one I want."
Conversation continued like this for quite some time. I was just listening nodding my head pretending I was remotely interested in the conversation. Customers came and went. Steve talked to Rose on the phone and such while Ed called for his ride. I basically stood there helping out a few customers not talking to anyone. I just don't talk to anyone if I'm mad....I won't even make eye contact to the person I'm mad at.
It was around 7:30 when Ed left. Business picked up a bit, but it was still slow as hell compared to Christmas rush. When there were hardly anyone in the store Steve started to talk.
"Giving me the guilt trip?" he ask sarcastically.
"Heh," I snickered, "And when was the last time that worked on you..."
"Never," replying even more sarcastic.
"I ain't trying it."
"Not talking is acting childish," he retorted.
Just then we were interrupted with a few dozen people entering the store all looking for stuff. As if the customers timed their entrance, they walked in and started browsing things. There was actually a line forming in front of both registers. Even though Steve and I were pretty fast on the counter, we just couldn't keep up on the amount of people buying stuff. Get this, get that, we were pretty much gathering things for the customer. At about 8:30, that's when the line finally dissipated and things were quite.
"Me acting childish?" I said loudly, "What the hell am I supposed to say that I pretty much hate you?"
"Oh is that it?" pretending that he got the idea, "It's cause I was leaving early huh?"
I snickered.
"I'd come in for 2 hours then leave and screw with the guy who was working tonight. Some things I can't control like school. My parents want me to cut work so I can get school work done. Heh...it's expensive as hell, but that's beside the point."
"That's just it," I spoke out, "You don't care what happens to the person that's left behind. It's just me, me, and me. Screw whoever gets left. If you're just gonna come for 2 hours you might as well call in sick cause I'm pretty much tired of everything right now."
"When Tom was here, I would get a line of 15 people and I asked him for help dozens of times. You got it easier."
"Me getting it easier?" I replied, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Comparing your situation with Tom's to mine? Anymore bullshit you want to throw at me cause I know you really don't give a damn about anything anyway."
He didn't say anything after that. He grabbed a few magazines and put them on the rack.
"Like you said," I spoke and he turned to look at me, "It's sucks to be me."
Not a single word was exchanged after that. No one came in for the next 30 minutes and we closed the store fairly quickly. I put things in order while he counted the tills. Yes I was mad at him, giving all the examples he had come to his mind. He told me once that he was great at making bullshit and to me...every word that came out of his mouth was.
We walked out of the mall together and he lit a cigarette. I didn't care cause my dad smoked. Walking silently to our cars, he raced out of the garage as usual while I warmed up my car a bit. It was a pretty long drive back home. It wasn't cause he left me early for the past week that made me upset, it was the fact that we were `friends' and he was just using and manipulating me that got to me. Nothing I did ever go right and Steve was no exception...
How time flies. One minute they were doing prom gigs and small parties, the next sold out arenas worldwide. None of them could have ever imagined the success of the group. Hard work, persistence and determination is what made it all happen. Lots of things happened to the guys and they all learned and grew from the experiences that happened.
Lots of things happened during that time. It was a time of secrets and it was a time of trust. There was nothing to hide anymore. Everyone was perfectly happy with everyone else and there were no more sneaking around. Lance and JC each bought their places so they can work and keep their private lives from becoming public. JC figured it would be best because he didn't want Justin's mom to find out about him. As for Lance.he never told his parents about anything.
It didn't matter much though. All of them lived about 25 miles from each other and could hang out and such at any time. Hanging out was the least thing they could do. The best word to describe their day is busy. Busy, busy, busy was the name of the game. Either in the studios recording their songs, out on the road touring or just showing up at various location for interviews, that was their typical day for them. It's a double edge sword I suppose. They get to go to many different places and meet different people, on the flip side, however, they almost have no time for themselves and when they do, people instantly recognize them and it ruins their day.
"Hey Chris," Justin asked as he opened the duffel bag.
"What's up?" Chris turned towards Justin.
"Wanna play ball?" he asked pulling out a basketball from the bag.
Chris laughed, "Still trying to get back at me from the last match?"
"Hell yeah," tossing the ball at him.
"You're on," Chris smiled gleefully, "There's a park around the corner with a few people. I'll whip your ass real good."
"You wish," Justin retorted, "I'll be the one bragging when I slam the ball down your face."
They both laughed and headed out the door. A few weeks ago, Justin got beat real bad by Chris and he's been trying ever since to get a proper re-match going. Somehow that game was either postponed or interrupted every time and it was making Justin frustrated. It wasn't that Justin was mad at Chris for beating him, it was all about pride. He wanted to be b-ball king and there was nothing that was going to stop him.
"Hey JC," Joey started, "Want to go out and do something?"
JC looked up from the couch, "Na, I don't feel like doing anything today."
"You always say that."
JC shrugged, "I've been tired a lot."
"You just don't do much anymore. Justin and Chris are going to play ball and they did just as much work as you did."
JC shrugged again.
"Fine, fine. I'll just look for something to entertain myself," Joey took his jacket and left the house.
He stared back towards the TV watching some commercials not really paying attention to what was on. A pair of arms wrapped around his neck and gave a gentle squeeze.
"Want to do anything?" Lance whispered in his ear.
JC sighed, "I'm feeling kinda tired."
Lance let his arms go, "Why don't you want to do anything anymore?" He nuzzled his nose around JC's ear.
"I thought we both agreed that it wasn't a good idea to do those kinds of things while we're performing."
"Who's gonna notice? There's no one here in the house except for us."
"But still, you and I both agreed that we won't do anything till after everything is over."
Lance was getting a little ticked off, "Last week you wanted to and now you don't? Make up your damn mind."
"That was an..." Lance left the house before JC could finish his sentence "...accident."
JC sighed once more and lied down on the couch staring at the ceiling. The TV was still on and he could hear the voices of Scooby Doo playing. Nothing was going right for him this past year and he didn't know what was wrong. The album went multiple platinum and the new album was coming out soon with even more material to make another one. Yet it just didn't feel right. He closed his eyes thinking of the next show they will do when the tour starts up again and fell asleep.
--------------------------- All songs are from N'Sync unless otherwise noted...
Bye bye bye... I'm doing this tonight (you're) Prolly gonna start a fight (I) Know this can't be right hey baby come on (I) Loved you endlessly (and) You weren't there for me (so) It's time to leave and make it alone
I know that I can't take it no more It ain't no lie I want to see you out that door Baby bye bye bye