Nsync with My Premonitions

October 8, 2000 Derikab@hotmail.com *Nsync with my Premonitions

I don't know, I am not trying to imply. I wish I knew for sure, but that won't happen. At least I don't think.

OK, guys, I love to receive email from people. If you are reading this and you do like the story, I can tell you that it is only going to get better. Let me hear from you. I'm going to finish the story whether or not I hear from you, but it would be better if I got some emails telling me how the story is. C'mon. It doesn't take but a minute to do that. Anyway, enjoy this chapter.

Also, there are three ways to contact me now. First is email. Derikab@hotmail.com. Two: AOL instant messenger at Derik Blake. Or MSN messenger. Either Derikab, Derik Blake or Derik. I don't know which one, but I think it is the first. If you wanna talk about the book, i.e. questions, comments or just want to talk, find me. Otherwise, email me.

Also, my web page is up and running. Derikab.cjb.net. Check it out.

Thanks again for reading,

Derik

Lesson Taught-Ch. 12

On my way, I kept thinking of how to approach the situation. I wanted JC to feel like everything was fine, but then I wanted....., no needed to show him the fear and pain I felt. It was the only way to let him know why I was so upset.

During my drive, I stopped off at different locations. Atlanta, Savannah and a few small towns just to figure out how to handle it. When I realized how to attack the situation, I headed straight for Orlando. I had a plan, I just hoped it worked.

When I finally reached JC's apartment, I knocked, but he wasn't there. I decided to try Justin's house. His mom answered and she told me that they were at the compound. She gave me directions, and started towards the ranch. As I was driving up, I was overtaken by the size and beauty of the house that stood before me. It was enormous and the grounds were gorgeous.

I parked and before getting out of the car, I reached in the glove box and put the contents in my jacket pocket. I was about to go to the front, but decided to walk around to see if I could find the guys myself. As I turned the second corner, I came to a sliding glass door. On the other side, sat all the guys. I stepped out in front so I could be seen and JC smiled and came to let me in.

"Hey," he said to me.

"We need to talk," I said sternly.

"Well, guys, why don't we go to the studio and listen to the new music," Justin announced.

"No. Please stay. We all need to talk."

As I entered, I walked passed JC who lost his smile and found my way to the back of the couch. When I approached, the other four were sitting on the other side of the room looking at me and JC. They were hoping things wouldn't get out of hand. Little did they know, that they soon would.

I turned around and leaned against the couch and crossed my ankles. I looked up at JC and crossed my arms. He just looked at the floor. I could tell that he was dreading this talk, and I knew it would be tougher for him with the others around.

"Why?" I asked. "That's all I want to know. Why?"

JC just looked at the floor. He still didn't meet my gaze.

"Josh. Why did you do it?"

Still no answer. He turned and looked out the door.

"Maybe we better leave," Lance spoke up.

"I already told you, stay. You all need to be here, for my sake at least."

Lance lowered himself back into his seat and sat quietly along with the rest of the guys.

"Joshua Scott, look at me!!" I said in an almost yelling, but stern voice.

JC slowly turned around to face me, but kept his face downward.

"At me, Josh. Not the floor."

He slowly raised his head and his eyes were discharging tears that were making their way down his cheek.

"Why?"

"I don't know," he whined with tears.

"Why the fuck would you do something so stupid?"

"I don't know," he yelled at me. Walking to me, he said, "I'm sorry. I fucked up; I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to pick up anyone. It just happened. I didn't want to do anything. I wish I didn't even go to that city. Why did you have to leave? I told you we could handle everything."

"Don't fucking blame this on me. You know why I left. I wasn't going to be and still won't be your downfall." After lowering my head, I slowly looked back at JC and said, "The sad part is, I wasn't even talking about that."

Walking closer to the door, I stopped and stood sideways between him and the door.

"Why did you want to die?" I asked in a very low voice.

"Because.........I didn't want to live without you," he said sniffling.

"Did you really want to die on that roof?" I asked, turning around to face the door.

After a minute of silence, JC whispered, "Yes."

Pulling my shirt up with my left hand, I reached in my pants and pulled out a gun. I swung around and looked at JC as I placed it at his head.

"MONTY!!!!!!!" four voices yelled in unison. All the guys stood up and started coming closer. When I started talking, they stopped.

"How do you feel?" I asked JC in a very angry tone.

Tears streaming down his face, he just swallowed hard and closed his eyes.

"Monty, please don't do this," Lance asked, frightened.

"How the fuck do you feel?" I yelled, ignoring Lance.

"Hurt," he whispered.

"Look at me."

He opened his eyes, tears still falling. The rest of the guys were still in shock. Lance started crying at the sight of what was happening.

"Why do you feel hurt?"

"Because," he said trying to find his breath. "I never thought.....it would come to this. I didn't think........you could ever.......hurt me this way."

He swallowed hard again and let the tears flow. I lowered the gun and told him that he was right. I could never hurt him like that.

I quickly pulled the gun to my own head.

"Monty, no. Please. Please don't do this," JC pleaded, taking a step closer.

"Monty. Stop. You've made your point," Justin yelled.

"How do you feel, now?"

"Scared," he said, his voice trailing off.

"Why?"

"Because...." his voice again leaving him.

"WHY?" I yelled.

All the guys jumped, including JC.

"Because.........I don't want to loose you. I can't go through life alone."

"But why? You were going to do it to me."

"I wasn't thinking. Please, put the gun down. Please Monty." He started crying harder and let his face fall to his chest. Behind him, Justin was wiping a tear from his cheek and Chris and Joey were still in shock. Lance was letting the tears flow. He couldn't stop crying. He would wipe his face, and then a minute later, it would be just as wet as before.

Lowering the gun to my side, I told JC, "I guess I'm not either."

JC looked up at me and I moved the gun back to my head and pulled the trigger.

When I snapped the gun back, everything moved in slow motion. I saw JC lunge for me to get the gun away. "NOOOO!!" he screamed, knocking me to the floor.

Lance, too, screamed; only he fell to his knees. Justin started running for JC, but Joey and Chris held him back. JC got off of me and pulled me into his arms, crying. "Oh, God. Why?" he kept yelling.

I had to let them know. I pulled myself out of JC's grasp and stood up. His eyes were huge. He couldn't believe I was still alive. Justin, Lance, Chris and Joey all had the same expression on their faces, too.

"They're blanks," I said, pulling out the gun clip and throwing it on the couch.

JC lowered his head back to the floor. Justin was confused and Lance was angry.

"What the fuck did you do this for? To scare us all?" Lance yelled at me through his tears.

"No. I did this to teach JC a lesson."

"What kind of fucking lesson could he learn from this?" Lance yelled.

"Fear," I said simply.

"What the fuck to you mean, fear?" Chris asked, angrily.

"I don't suppose JC told you what happened to my dad."

I looked around the room and everyone was just looking at me. Each had his own expressions of anger, confusion or fear. JC was still looking at the floor, crying.

"I was looking in my father's eyes when he did the same thing. I saw the fear and pain in his eyes when he pulled the trigger as I saw in JC's just now. I saw the life drain out of him after the bullet left his head." Looking down at JC, I continued, "I swore that I was never going to have to go through that again. I wasn't going to let anyone I loved show me that much pain before ending their life."

I started forming tears, which I quickly wiped away

"In the hospital, I saw it again, with you. You thought the only way to end your pain was to kill yourself. Did you even think about the pain you would've caused me....or the guys? Your family? Even the fans? What you did, Josh, was probably one of the most selfish things you could've done."

By this time, JC was crying uncontrollably. I turned to leave and when I did, the gun fell out of my hand onto the floor in front of him. Before I walked out, I heard JC say, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

I just continued to walk out the door and he said, "Je t'adore, Mio amore." I stopped and turned to look at him and said, "Obviously........not enough."

I reached in my jacket pocket and pulled out the item and dropped it at JC's knees next to the gun. It was his necklace. He saw it and buried his face in his hands.

I turned back to the door and headed for my car. Before I could get out of the driveway, Justin started chasing me. I didn't know if it was from anger or concern. I didn't stop. I came to do what I said I was going to do. Now, I'm going home.

On my way back home, I decided to stop and stay a few days with mom. When I pulled up to the house, she was in the backyard working in the garden.

"Hey, baby," she said hugging me.

"Hey, mom," I said in a sad voice.

"Did something happen between you and Josh?"

How did she always know these things? "Yes," I said, simply.

"Come on in the house. I'll pour us a glass of tea and you can tell me about it."

When we got inside, she told me to sit and she headed for the kitchen. When she returned, she had two glasses. She handed me one and sat next to me.

"OK, what happened?"

I began to tell her about what happened and how I ended up in the hospital.

"Monty, you should have expected it. He is a celebrity. It's gonna happen."

"But it shouldn't have happened to me. He told me he loved me. He wanted to be with me forever. Why should it be more accepting if he is a celebrity?"

"I'm not saying it should be more accepting, I'm just saying that people with his status seem to think about themselves first, most of the time."

"JC isn't one of those people, Mom. He really loves me and he is trying to get me back."

"Then why don't you bite the bullet and go back to him?"

"Well, I probably would've but he did something else that really pissed me off."

"What?"

"When I was waking in the hospital, I had a premonition that JC was on the roof and he had a gun to his head." Mom got up and went to the window. "The picture faded, but I heard the gunshot. I thought he killed himself. He really scared me."

I looked over at mom and could tell she was crying.

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"You couldn't see this happen to your own father, but you could see it for someone you only knew for how long? Six months?" she said through her tears.

"Mom, we've already been through this. I wasn't meant to....."

Cutting me off, she turned around and said, "Why? Why weren't you meant to see it? You have a gift that very few people possess. Why wasn't it shown to you? I know it wasn't meant to be, but I want to know why."

"Mom, do you blame me for daddy's death?" I asked, lowering my eyes.

Her face turned from sadness to shock within a split second. Once she was able to comprehend the question, she answered.

"I didn't mean to intend that, Monty. You know I didn't blame you. I never have, I just want to know why you weren't meant to see."

She came over to me and grabbed me in a hug. "I'm sorry, baby. I just still miss him." She pulled back and one lone tear fell from her chin to my legs. I reached up and wiped her face and told her that I did too. She told me that she was going to take a nap and she left me alone.

About two hours later, she woke me up. I had fallen asleep on the couch. She was telling me that Mike would be home soon and we started talking about JC again. I told her what happened at the compound and she started getting angry.

"Montgomery Andrew Blake. How could you do that? You probably scared them all half to death."

"That was my intention. I needed to show JC how I felt. He finally realized what he put me and the others through. I made sure of it. He won't ever try something as stupid as that again. Trust me."

"Don't you think you went a little overboard?"

"I probably did, but it got my point across."

"Don't you ever let me hear of you doing something like that again, young man," she told me in a very stern voice. "You had no reason to make a point that way. All you had to do is sit and tell him that you already went through this once and that you didn't want to go through it again."

"I told him that, too. When I was leaving, he was crying uncontrollably. I wanted to apologize and hold him, but I needed him to know what was happening to me when he did that."

Mom just glared with a very disappointed look. I finished my story and quickly changed the subject. After Mike arrived, we all just acted like a family again. He went to the basement to play with his models and asked if I wanted to join him. I declined and went to my room. The typical family life.

After my few days with mom and Mike, I decided it was time for me to head back to Nashville. When I got in my car, I went for the cell phone in the glove box and noticed that I missed quite a few calls. As I was scanning the list, I found that Justin called about five times. Lance had called three and JC: once.

I listened to the messages they left for me and Justin was having a good time cussing me out. He was cussing so much that the machine cut him off after his allotted time and he would just call back and pick up where he left off. He was yelling into the phone telling me how much I had hurt and scared JC.

Lance's messages were that I simply call him. When JC's message came, he just apologized. He didn't mean to hurt me but every time he thinks he's taking care of the problem, he just seems to make it worse.

I got myself ready for the attack that Justin was going to give me and dialed his number.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Justin. It's Monty."

"Oh."

"Listen, I'm sorry that I made you stay through that. I didn't mean to scare you or the other guys. But I had to let Josh see what I was going through."

"I know. After I called and left those messages, I had time to think about what happened. I wasn't happy with the way you went about it, but I knew that you had to do it. The thought of JC not being with us hit me after your little display. I am actually glad that you did it. Maybe the fear that he felt will make him think twice before thinking about it again."

"Yeah, I hope so," I said, disbelieving his tone. "I called expecting to be ripped a new asshole from you. I'm glad that I let you cool before calling."

"You better be. When I get angry and it comes to JC, you better watch out."

"How is he?"

"Since you left, he went to his apartment and won't come out. He just lays in bed and sleeps. He's miserable. I wish you two would stop fighting and talk this thing out."

"I wish it was that easy, Curly. I truly do. But right now, I can't just forgive him. He did something that would've hurt a lot more if Lance didn't catch him in time."

"I know. I just wish JC would do something but sleep. He won't even listen to music. He always listens to music."

"Justin, give it a couple more months. I'm sure I'll be back and things will be better. I just need to get my priorities straight first."

"Ok. Work fast," he told me chuckling.

"I'll do my best. Keep an eye on JC for me, will ya?"

"Of course. Don't I always?"

"See ya, Just. Take care."

"Yeah, you too, Monty."

I hung up the phone and started dialing Lance. There was no answer, so I put the phone down and continued my drive. I wasn't in the mood to talk to JC. I was happy that he apologized about what he put me through, but, unfortunately, it wasn't enough to make me forgive him completely. I still had to let time heal my wounds. It may mean loosing JC but I had to heal before I could love again.

When I got back to Nashville, Tony and Mitchell completely attacked me with questions. I didn't even get in the door before they snatched my bags out of my hands and pulled me to the couch. I told them my story and they had the biggest eyes and their mouths were hung open. They couldn't believe what they just heard.

"For the last week, all the guys have been calling," Tony informed me.

"Justin, mostly. He's pissed," Mitchell added.

"I've already talked to him. He's cooled off. He even agreed that I needed to do this, he just wished that I could've found another way."

"I bet," Tony said.

"Did Lance call?"

"Yeah. He called about two or three times," Tony told me.

"How did he sound?"

"It's hard to describe. It was a mixture between hurt and angry. He just told me to tell you to call him. JC called, too. He didn't talk much, but he wants you to call him, also."

"I still don't know if I am ready to face JC. I am still hurt, but after what I did, I don't know how he's feeling. I better let things go for a while."

Tony and Mitchell just looked at me and gave me that 'whatever' look. I ignored it and picked up the phone and tried Lance's number again. I got the machine. I told him that I was back home and if he still wanted to talk, to call. I hung the phone up and took my things to my room.

During the next month, I didn't feel much like doing anything. I didn't want to go to work nor travel for any reason at all. I practically stayed in bed and when I did get up, I just mopped about the house. Tony and Mitch were getting worried but I assured them that I was fine. They still watched me closely. They didn't want me to do anything stupid.

One day, I was getting bored with sleeping, so I turned on the computer and logged on. When I checked my email, there were over fifty messages. Most of them were from JC. I clicked on the first and read it. It was the same as before, he was apologizing for what he put me through and asked me to start talking to him again. I went to the next message and it said pretty much the same thing. I closed the message and looked at the most recent one.

I clicked on it and it was pretty much like the other two, but at the end, he had written our 'phrase' and told me that he still loved me. The date was two days ago. Maybe my lesson had worked and he knew how I felt. Maybe he did understand why I did what I did. Whatever the reason, I was glad to see that he still loved me. I still loved him with all my heart. Now we just have to talk.

As I was thinking that, I got a blinking letter in my bottom right hand corner. I double clicked it and it was JC.

"Hey, Monty. How are you?"

"Hey, Josh. I'm fine. U?"

"Doing better."

"Did Justin finally get you moving again?"

"Sort of. I got tired of sleeping. Can you believe it? Me. Tired of sleeping." I chuckled to myself. "Anyway, I just started moving around and thinking about everything that has happened and realized that I was being selfish. I didn't know about everything with your dad. You never whet into much detail. I'm sorry that I put you through that again. Can you forgive me?"

"I wish it was that easy, JC, but I am working on it. It is going to take a little more time. Can you hold on a little longer?"

"I'll hold on for eternity."

A smile came over me and I wished he were here with me now.

"It won't be that long, but it is nice to know that you still love me. I still love you. I always will."

"I do still love you, Monty. I don't think that I could ever stop."

"Well, hon, let me go. I have to get a few things done around here. I'll be back online from time to time. Keep checking."

"OK. I'll talk to you soon."

"OK, bye. Love you."

"You too....8-)"

I logged of the computer with a smile on my face. I couldn't believe that we started talking again. Everything was going to work out fine. I just needed a little more time. I walked to the piano and played my song. The more I played, the closer I felt to JC. I hoped that everything was gong to be fine when we did work things out.

Over the next week, JC and I started talking more and more. We were finally getting back to like it was. I just didn't think I was ready to see him just yet, but I was slowly coming out of my shell. As the days passed, I was longing to see him. When we finally were able to make a date to see each other again, it wasn't until November. He told me that he and the guys were going to be in Chicago on the 9th to work on a couple of songs for the new album.

"Why do you have to go to Chicago to record them? Don't ya'll have a studio in Orlando?" I typed

"We do, but there is a new studio with some very high tech equipment that management wants us to try. A couple of the songs will be along the lines of Digital Get Down. Ya know, that high tech stuff."

"Oh, ok. I get it. When should I meet you?"

"We will be in the studio for about a week. Why don't you come and watch us. It'll be fun. You can sit in the booth with us."

"I don't know. Wouldn't I bother you guys?"

"Hell, no. Please, Monty. I want you to be with us."

"What about the others? Are they mad at me?"

"They were, but they're ok now. They actually agreed with you on this. After thinking, so did I. They would love for you to come back. Please say you will."

"OK," I typed back. "I'll come, but I am no longer the asst voice coach. I'm just your boyfriend. OK?"

"Fine. That's just great. I can't wait."

"Neither can I. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll talk to you later.

"OK. Bye."

"8-)"

I logged off and felt good about the meeting. I knew that everything would be ok. We had another month and a half before we would see each other. I just bounced around waiting for the day to get here. I went back to work for Cat, again. She said she was getting tired of losing me over and over again. I told her one more time and she won't have to deal with me anymore.

She just laughed.

One day after work, I came in and saw Tony and Mitchell going nuts. They were both smiling and jumping around the room.

"What is going on here?"

"I finally got them," Tony yelled, happily.

"Got what?"

"Oprah tickets."

"As in Oprah Winfrey?"

"Yeah. About almost a year ago, I called for some and they finally arrived.

I had forgotten all about it. Now we finally get to see a show."

"Great. When do you and Mitchell get to see her?"

"First of all, I have five tickets. Me, Mitchell, Pat, Steve and you are going to see her on November 8. This is your birthday gift from us to you."

"You mean they sent you tickets for November 8. Did you ask them for that date?"

"No. They just send you tickets for what date they have available. Since I have been on the list, I got lucky enough to have it on your birthday. And you are coming. I don't want any protests."

"But..."

"What did I just say?" Tony asked. "Plus you are going to meet JC there on the 9th right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you will just be there two days earlier. We can watch the show and you can meet JC the day after. Capishe?"

Before I could answer him he turned his back and walked to the kitchen. I just smiled and went to the piano. I started playing. I played many songs that time. I was in the mood for some good upbeat music. Tony and Mitchell came back into the living room dancing. I just laughed and continued to play.

After the song was over, Mitchell looked at me and said, "Monty, play our song." I smiled and started the music. They started to dance. Their song was Des'ree's "Kissing you" from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack. They truly loved each other. You could see by the way they were holding each other. I just hoped that you could tell the same about JC and I when we were together.

As the month slooooooowly dragged on, JC and I spent more and more time online talking. We hadn't used the phone since I heard his message on my voicemail. I wasn't ready to hear his voice. I don't know why, but I knew the timing still wasn't right.

November 1st finally arrived and I was online with JC. We were chatting as usual about what happened that day and such when he typed, "Can I call you?"

"Why? We can chat like this. Save us the money. Haha."

"I want to hear your voice. I miss it. I miss you."

"Well, you will have me in about 9 days."

"Please????"

"OK. Let me log off."

"Thanks. Just don't yell at me? 8-)"

"Don't worry. Bye"

I went to log offline and as soon as the modem disconnected, the phone rang.

I walked over to the couch and answered.

"Hey, JC"

"God. You don't know how long I have waited to hear your voice. In a loving tone."

Laughing, I said, "I'll talk as much as you want, then."

"Just talk forever," he told me.

I smiled. "In eight days, forever will start. Again."

"Forever, this time. You getting excited?"

"I can't wait. Did I tell you about the Oprah thing?"

"No. What?"

"Tony, Mitchell, Patrick, Steve and I are going to be in Chicago on the seventh. On the eighth, we are going to a taping of the Oprah show. It's going to be cool. I just wish we could be together that night."

"Why. We'll be together for the next night."

"Please don't tell me you forgot."

"Forgot??? Forgot what??? What did I forget???" he asked in sarcasm.

"Ahh, so you didn't forget," I said as I smiled bigger.

"How could I forget? It was the day I fell in love with you. It'll be one year on the eighth. Any you'll be 26, right?"

"Uh huh. I'll be exactly nine months older than you. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to celebrate your birthday. I wish that we were talking. I would've done something special for you."

"Well, we have your birthday and our anniversary to make up for lost times," he said in his bedroom voice.

"You are going to pound me into oblivion, aren't you?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. I hope you can take it?"

"It shouldn't be a problem," I said confidently.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you'll be careful until I give you the signal. You won't hurt me."

"I'll do my best to never hurt you again, Monty. I'm just sorry that I did hurt you at all."

"I know you are and I'm sorry that things went the way they did. Let's just put this behind us and start again."

"Sounds great to me. Listen, Justin's calling me for something. Let me go.

See ya in eight days."

"OK. I love you, my love."

"Je t'adore, Mio amore."

I hung up the phone feeling a lot better about us. I knew we were going to make it through just fine.

As I was thinking, the doorbell rang. I got up and answered it.

"Lance??? What are you doing here?" I asked stepping aside for him to come in.