Nsync with My Premonitions

November 8, 2000 Derikab@hotmail.com *Nsync with my Premonitions-Voice of an Angle

Don't know, don't . . . . you know the rest!!!

There is only one more chapter left in this story and I am really hoping that it will be finished by the end of next week, but there will be no promises made. I just have to see what is going on by then. With the holidays, there will be 13 people in my house for about 2-3 days and I may not get a chance to write on it, but I will do my best. Also, I might have found a boyfriend and if I have, it really depends on how much time we will spend together and such, so I will do my best.

Also, there is another work of slash fiction in progress with a friend of mine and we hope to start publishing it by the end of this week. The people on my notification list will be the first to read the story, so if you wanna be a part of that, email me and just say, add me, please!! And I will do so. BTW, the name of the new story is 'Dreams and Memories', so keep an eye open for it.

Of course my website, http://derikab.cjb.net

Well, I figured that I would give you a break because next chapter will have a lot longer intro. There are a lot of people I want to thank, so I will wait until the last chapter to do so. SOOOOOO, without any further ado,

Chapter Eighteen-Voice of an Angel

After a few minutes of running, I slowly came to a stop and looked back. I had turned so many corners; I didn't even know where I was. The city was a few blocks behind me and then I let my mind remember what just happened. My tears started coming faster. I hung my head and started walking again. Still not knowing where. I just let my feet take me wherever they wanted to go while I continued to cry.

I guessed about a half an hour later, I looked up and saw myself standing in front of Cat's house. I walked up to the door and knocked. I heard her do something then the front porch light came on. When she opened the door, she saw my tear streaked face and lost her smile. She reached out a hand and pulled me inside.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

After she shut the door, I pulled her in a hug, crying harder.

"Shhh. Everything's fine," she said.

I still couldn't talk, so I just shook my head from side to side while it was on her shoulder.

"Baby, what happened?"

Trying to control my sobs long enough to tell her, I whispered, "Josh is dead."

"I didn't hear you. What did you say?" she asked, pulling me back to look at my face.

"Josh is dead," I repeated, falling back into her.

"Oh, Monty," she said, wrapping her arms around me. "Monty, I'm so sorry."

I just continued to cry as my head rested on her shoulder. After a while like this, she tried to pull me to the couch, but I hesitated, saying, "I need to go the hospital."

"Ok. Let me get my coat. Hold on," she said, going upstairs.

A minute later, she returned and we headed to her car. On our drive, I replayed the events that happened only minutes before. Crying harder as the memory progressed. When we arrived at the hospital, I jumped out of the car and ran inside. Cat close behind, we entered the emergency room and headed over to the desk.

"Excuse me," I started through my cracked voice, "Could you please tell me wh..."

"Just one minute, sir," a young woman said, cutting me off.

I closed my mouth and did my best to wait patiently until she gave me her full attention. Cat, noticing my impatient sobs, called the woman to get her attention.

"Just one moment, please," she responded, looking at Cat.

"This can't wait. Where is Josh Chasez?" she asked the receptionist.

She gave us both a confused look and lowered her head and started looking through some papers. After locating what she was looking for, she looked back up and asked us if we would excuse her for a moment.

"Why? I need to know where he is," I said, still crying.

"I'm sorry," she said as she stood. Hesitantly, she added, "He died a few minutes ago."

I wrapped my hands on the back of my head and lowered it and began to cry, harder.

"Are you family?" she asked.

"I'm not, but he is his lover," Cat responded.

"I'm sorry. If you're not family, you can't see him."

"I am his family, damnit," I snapped at the woman.

"I'm sorry. You're not legal family," she stated.

"I was his fuckin' lover. Just because we can't get married, doesn't mean that I'm not his family," I stated in an angry voice. She looked at me as if I just slapped her. Then turned her face from sorrow to stone and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you are not legal family, as I said. You cannot see him."

"Where is your supervisor?" Cat asked. "I want to see them," she said in a very stern voice.

The receptionist slightly lifted her nose at us and turned and walked away.

"I'm sorry she said that Monty. Don't worry, we'll get you in to see him," she said putting her hand on my shoulder.

When I looked over at the woman, I saw her talking to a male doctor and I walked around to speak with him.

With Cat next to me, I asked, "Are you her supervisor?" pointing at the woman.

"Yes," he answered.

"I need to see Josh Chasez," I stated.

"Are you family?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," I said.

"What relation?" he asked.

"I'm his lover."

"I'm sorry, sir, but if you are..."

"If you tell me that I am not legal family, I swear..." I started, though gritted teeth and balled fists.

"Monty, calm down," Cat said, putting her hand on my shoulder, again. "May I see you over here for a moment, doctor?"

Without an answer, he took a few steps to his left and Cat followed. The receptionist also walked over with them, but headed back to the desk when the doctor gave a disapproving look. As they were talking, I began to form more tears and let them fall down my cheek.

I went to wipe my eyes when I looked to my left and saw a familiar face. Chris just walked out of a room with a hand covering his eyes, crying. I started over towards the door when I heard the doctor call out to me. I ignored him and started walking faster.

I just made it to the door, when the doctor put his hand on my shoulder, explaining, "I'm sorry, Mr. Blake, but you are not family."

I started turning to him and say something, when Lance stepped in and said, in a very stern voice, "Yes he is. He's my lover and he's not going anywhere. None of us are, until we are ready."

After a couple of minutes of thinking of a reason for us not to stay, he couldn't think of one and simply lowered his head and silently walked away. I took Lance in an embrace and kept my tears flowing. "Thank you," I whispered though my tears.

After a few seconds in Lance's arms, I looked around the room and saw everyone crying. I looked over to the bed and saw a sheet completely covering Josh's body. I pulled out of the embrace and walked over to the bedside. As I approached, I put my hand on Justin's shoulder. He reached up with his opposite hand and placed it atop mine and gave me a faint smile before lowering his head again.

Pulling my hand back, I walked over to the bed and lifted the sheet to reveal Josh's face. When I saw that it had lost its color, I dropped the sheet out of fear and pulled my hands to my face. I saw out of the corner of my eye that Justin saw Josh and had to leave. After a moment more of hesitation, I pulled the sheet down to his waist.

When the sheet came to a rest, I slowly reached my hand up to his pale face and started stroking his cold cheek.

"Why didn't I listen to you?" I cried. "I'm so sorry, baby."

Tears still streaming down my cheeks, I reached up to put a few lone hairs that had fallen on his forehead back in place.

"This isn't how things were supposed to be. We survived almost everything that we were supposed to. More than most people go through in a lifetime. Why did it have to be me with a big mouth to bring this to you," I said, taking a seat on the side of the bed.

Looking around the room, I saw that everyone was looking at me crying. Tony and Mitchell were holding each other along with Steve holding Pat as they cried. Joey and Chris were hugging each other while they cried and Lance was standing by himself with his head bowed, tears finding a trail down his cheeks.

Catherine was standing at the doorway with tears filling her eyes at the sorrow that she was witnessing. Justin hadn't returned and was somewhere in the hall crying.

"Guys, would you mind if I had a moment?" I asked in a shaky voice.

Everyone responded by leaving the room. Lance was the last one out and was about to shut the door when I called out to him.

"Lance, would you please stay?"

"Sure," he said with an unsteady voice.

He walked back in the room and closed the door and walked over and stood next to me with his hand on my back. Looking back at Josh, I grabbed and stroked the back of his hand, while I looked up at his angelic face.

"I'm so sorry, Josh. If I had only listened, this wouldn't have happened."

"Don't do that to yourself, Monty. You didn't know this would happen."

"But if I had only listened to him..."

I slowly lowered my chest and stomach to lay on his body with my head resting softly on his torso. The realization that he was gone hit me when my ear came in contact with his chest and there was no sound beneath. I had been in this position many times before, always listening to JC's heartbeat.

Now that there was no sound, my heart broke even more. I closed my eyes tight and more tears began to over take my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I said in a breath filled voice. "Oh God, I am so sorry, Josh." Then I began to cry harder. Lance reached up and placed a hand on my back and began to cry, harder, himself.

After what seemed like an eternity, Lance's deep voice broke my hopes that Josh's heart might, again, start beating, by saying, "C'mon, Monty. We need to go."

The though of leaving one of my lovers in a hospital tore right through me. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay with Josh, forever. At this point in my life, I wanted to die. I was the reason for his death and now I wanted to join him.

"Monty, c'mon," Lance said, pulling me up slightly.

I pulled myself off of Josh's body and Lance helped me stand next to the bed. Before leaving, I leaned down and placed my lips softly upon Josh's and gave my lover a farewell kiss. His lips were very cold and more of the realization hit me at once. I closed my eyes tight at the feel of his lips not responding to my own, then after a moment longer, I pulled back telling him, "I love you." As Josh had once said to me when he thought I was gone, I repeated back to him, "Goodbye, my love," then place my lips upon his for one last kiss before walking out of the room with Lance holding me while my head rested on his shoulder, crying.

After an hour or so, we all realized that there was nothing else that we could do, so Cat took us back to the restaurant to get the cars. When we got home, Justin bolted straight upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom. I looked at the others through my tears and saw that they hadn't noticed.

After everyone was inside and settled, I walked upstairs and was about to knock when I heard Justin try to stifle his sobs. He had just lost his best friend and was doing his best to keep his cries quiet. I was about to knock again, but thought better of it and headed for my room. Once I was inside, I closed the door and stood looking at the bed where we had slept and made love only the night before.

My eyes started getting overflowed with tears again and I completely broke down. I fell to my knees and started crying aloud. I wanted so much to die or have Josh be here with me. Since I knew he was never coming back, I just wanted to die. I slowly got over to the bed and climbed in, not even bothering changing to what I slept in and cried violently until my body and my heart couldn't stand it anymore and finally, fell asleep.

When my mind and body finally became calm, I began dreaming of Josh. I dreamed of the time we spent in Jamaica. Our visit to Madam Zuvik and some of our time on the beach. At one point, I was standing on the porch of the cottage we rented for the week and I looked out to see Josh laying on the sand soaking up some sun. I smiled and walked down the stairs over to him. When I arrived, he was looking at me and I asked him something. There was no response, so I bent down to sit next to him. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the sand beneath him was red. I looked at his side and saw the bullet wound. I reached over to shake him and his head fell opposite me. After calling his name a couple times, I started screaming.

I bolted upright, screaming and crying. Lance, awakened by my screams, took me in his arms. After crying for a few minutes, I pulled out of the embrace and told him that I was fine and for him to go back to sleep. I got up and went down stairs. I didn't want to go back to sleep for fear that I would have another nightmare.

After going downstairs, I walked to the kitchen and dried my eyes. I opened the fridge and just stared inside, looking for something to drink or even eat, even though I wasn't hungry. After a few minutes of the cool air hitting me, I closed the door and walked to the sink to get a glass of water. I walked through the living room and onto the back porch. I sat down and looked up at the stars and began to cry. I was yelling at myself for doing so and roughly wiped my eyes and told myself to stop.

'You fucking need to stop crying. You need to be strong for Josh. You don't want him to know that you can't stop crying,' I thought.

A second voice entered my head and argued, 'You never got a chance to mourn daddy. Remember you were the strong one and wasn't able to cry. Now you can. You have Lance to be strong for you.'

'But if you do, you will just be acting like a baby. Stop crying, you baby.'

With the arguing going on in my head, I started crying, thinking that this will be my time to mourn. I had just lost my first true love and it was my fault. The guilt was becoming too much to handle. I didn't want to feel this way. I wanted the pain and the guilt to end. The only way that would happen is if I was dead. After seeing the pain my father put us through, suicide wasn't an option. I didn't want to put anyone through what Lance, mom and I went through. It wasn't worth it.

I stood up and walked over to the bench at the opposite end of the porch, facing the backyard and took a seat. As I sat my drink down next to me, I noticed Pat left his cigarettes on the table next to the bench and so I lit one up. As I smoked, I closed my eyes and did my best to clear my thoughts.

The images were fighting to get back in my head, but I did what I could to keep them out.

After a few minutes, I closed my eyes and laid my head back on the bench. Once I was lost in the darkness of my mind, I felt the bench move and I jerked my head back up and opened my eyes. Looking to my left, I noticed someone sat down next to me.

"Shit!" I exclaimed. "You scared me."

"I'm sorry," Justin started. "I didn't mean to. I just couldn't sleep. When I saw someone out here, I thought it was Pat, because of the cigarette, and I just wanted to be with someone."

After putting out my cig, using only my left arm, I pulled Justin closer to me. He accepted the gesture and rested his head on my shoulder. Once he was settled, I could hear his cries. I didn't know what to say, so I just sat and listened as my tears threatened to fall.

Through his tears, he sobbed, "I miss him already."

"I know, Justin. I know," I said pulling him to me closer with both arms.

After a few minutes, Justin broke the silence telling me that Josh used to smoke.

"He did?" I asked in disbelief. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah. After the Mickey Mouse Club was canceled, he just picked it up." He pulled away and sat up. "I was shocked the first time I saw him smoking. I gave him a lecture like you wouldn't believe," he said sniffling and smiling.

"Then, when Chris called me about the group, I called Josh and told him. I also told him that he needed to quit smoking if he was really serious about joining. He said that he was and he quit. He never smoked another cigarette. At least not that I know of."

"Well, you know that music was his passion. I often wonder if *Nsync never formed, what he would be doing now."

"Probably a carpenter somewhere. He always loved building things."

"He told me that he always loved astronomy. That one day he would've loved to have been an astronomer."

"He did love the stars, but he also loved to build things. I think that his love for building would've outweighed his love for the stars."

After Justin said that, I just sat there in silence. I didn't know of Josh's love for building. He never told me this. I guess I should've known, though, because when he and Lance said that they wanted to build a studio, he was very much involved. He helped with the entire process, from paper to reality to final outcome.

While we were sitting there, I was thinking back on our life together. While some of it had been rocky, most of it was wonderful. One thought got me in particular. The time when we were on the beach on the island. He wanted to go swimming but we forgot our suits. He walked out naked and I was yelling at him. Then he snatched my towel and ran. As I was thinking about it, I began to laugh out loud.

"What's so funny?" Justin asked, bringing me back.

"Just remembering something Josh did to me while we were on vacation last year."

"What'd he do?" he asked.

I told him about the memory and he just laughed, saying, "That's something that he'd do. I remember one time while we were on the Club, he and I were giving Britney a hard time. I thought she was cute but couldn't tell her. I was too shy. Anyway, we always knew that before we started taping, she would go to her dressing mirror and check her make up and spray her hair one final time.

"Well, one day, Josh changed her hair spray for body oil. It was in one of those pump bottles, so she couldn't tell the difference. That is, not until she felt her hair and it was oily. Everyone heard her scream from the set.

"She came marching up to me and started yelling. I told her that Josh did it, but she didn't believe me. She knew I liked her, but she insisted that I was the one that did it to her. Josh fell on the floor laughing so hard. Along with about half the cast. I just kept yelling that Josh did it, but she wouldn't listen.

"After a while longer, I gave up and just listened to her yelling, then she was dragged away and got her hair washed and came back. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. Finally, Josh told her that it was him and she smacked him on the arm so hard, he couldn't move it for three days and she left a big bruise. Then she still wouldn't talk to me."

I started laughing after the first few sentences and it progressed to a howl by the time he finished. When he did, he was laughing along with me. After we both calmed down, he told me that he was gonna go back to bed. I told him that I wasn't going back to sleep, so if he needed me, I would be close by. He smiled and leaned over to hug me and headed back inside. I smiled back and watched him disappear back in the house and lit up another cigarette, trying to picture Britney's face when she realized. I gave another small chuckle and exhaled.

After several hours of sitting and trying to process the realization of Josh's death over coffee and tears, Lance walked in the kitchen a little after seven am.

"Monty?" he questioned, in his deeper morning voice.

I looked up and saw that he was standing in the doorframe with a concerned look.

"Hey," I answered, wiping my face.

"I woke up and you weren't there. Did you go back to sleep last night?"

"No. I was afraid to. I went outside and sat with Justin for a little while then came in here and drank two pots of coffee."

"Monty," he started in a worried tone, "you need to get some sleep. You look exhausted."

"I don't want to," I snapped.

Lance's face had that 'I'm sorry I said anything' look. I quickly controlled my voice and told him, "Look, I'm fine, I just don't want to go back to sleep. I don't want the dreams to come back. I'll be ok," I reassured.

"Well, I'm gonna get my shower. I'll be back down soon."

"OK," I answered as I watched him leave. As soon as he was gone, my tears once again began to flow.

Over the course of the next day, the news spread like wildfire. Every paper, magazine and news network called to get interviews. The guys all declined, saying that they needed time to mourn. On the third day after the event, we had Josh's funeral. He was transferred to his first hometown of Bowie, Maryland, where it was to be held.

At the services, Mrs. Chasez asked for Lance and I to sit with her family, which we both accepted. The remaining three guys of *Nsync sat right behind us with mine and Lance's family and friends. I sat and cried along with most, if not all, the congregation, while I held Lance's hand. When the services ended, everyone got up and started to leave.

JC's family stood at the front of the church and watched the guests leave. Many of whom, came up to express their sorrow over Josh's death. Many of the attendants were of the celebrity status. Christina and Britney were there, along with almost the entire Mickey Mouse Club cast. Janet Jackson attended along with other Jive artists. Jive and W.E.G management came and many others, famous or not.

As everyone was leaving, I noticed one member of the congregation being helped out of the church. It was one of Josh's idols. Stevie Wonder. I could feel that Josh's spirit was moved by the gesture.

Many of my friends and family encouraged me to come with them, but I told them that I wanted to hang back for a few minutes to say my final farewell. They looked at me and gave me sorrow filled smiles of encouragement.

Once the church was completely cleared, even of Lance, I walked up to the casket and began to cry for the loss of a wonderful person and soul.

"What am I gonna do without you?" I asked the closed box. "I wish I could go back and relive that night. I would do so many things different. I would even given up meeting you at the club on that first night to know that you would still be alive today." I did my best to stifle my tears, but as usual, they won out and began to slowly run down my cheeks.

"Oh, God, Josh. All my life, I fell in and out of love so easy. I had one first love and many other loves, but it was my goal to find my true love. You were the one that the title was given to. You were the first person to show me what unconditional love was."

I took a breath and started again. "I know we had our rocky times and I, if I could... I would go back and take them away. The fears that you felt, I would have taken that away if I could. Even that day I came to the compound. I regret ever doing that to you. Showed you that much fear. I was angry and my mind was telling me that that was the only way. I am so sorry that I did that." More tears fell and my voice began to crack.

"Deep in my heart, I knew our souls would find each other. Thank you for showing me how to love and for showing me how to be loved. You taught me so much. I just wish I could've..." My tears were now coming as small out bursts and it was getting more difficult to talk. "...loved you more. I love you, Joshua. I'll never forget you or what you taught me."

Pulling my hand up to wipe my tears, I noticed the reverend walk back up from outside.

"Are you ok, son?" he asked, stopping next to me.

"I'll be fine. Just had to say goodbye," I said, giving a very small smile.

He stood there and nodded with sympathy in his eyes.

"Would it be ok if I give this back to him?" I asked, reaching in my pocket and pulling out the ring I had given Josh on our anniversary. Showing it to him, I said, "When he was in the hospital, they gave me an envelope before we left and this is something that I gave to him. I would like for him to have it back."

Looking at me, the minister said that it would be fine. He walked to the head of the casket and lifted the top. I stared for a minute at Josh's face. He looked so peaceful, but yet so lifeless. I wanted to start crying at what I was seeing, but forced myself to keep my composure until I was alone.

I reached over to his chest and lifted his left hand and placed the ring that my parents had given me, the same ring that I had given him, on his third finger. When I was done, I put his hand back on his chest and covered it with my own. After a soft whispering goodbye, I removed my hand and the minister lowered the top. He gave me a small smile and walked out of the room. I placed my fingers to my lips and kissed them then placed them on the casket.

"I love you, Joshua Scott Chasez... I'll never forget you."

I kept my hand there until I turned away, then let it slide off on it's own.

Walking out of the church, I had a calming sensation come over me and I stopped at the doors and looked back one last time at the room. Giving a small smile, I walked down the steps and into Lance's arms waiting by the limo. Pulling out of the hug, I climbed in the car, with Lance right behind me, and we were on our way back to the hotel to pack to go back home.

Three days after the funeral, everyone was still very upset by the turn of events that happened only a week before. When I cried, I was alone. Everyone that was in the house couldn't understand why I wasn't more upset than I showed. What they didn't know was that every time that I was alone, in my room, the bathroom, or even driving, I was constantly crying. I was being the strong one in their eyes, and a little part of them was grateful. But they were also very worried because I wasn't showing any signs of mourning.

Whenever one of the guys cried, I was always there trying to comfort them. I felt that I at least owed that to Josh. That was his role to comfort, and because he was no longer here, I felt that I needed to fill his shoes.

About a week or two after we arrived back home, I started to feel that I was being taken advantage of. It was me and only me that comforted everyone. Those two voices were arguing in my head. One telling me to depend on someone, specifically Lance, so that I could mourn. The other telling me that I needed to be the strong one. Somehow taking Josh's place. I didn't want to take his place, but I didn't want to lose that feeling of being in control.

With all the voices in my head constantly screaming at me, I receded into a deep depression. Pulling back from Lance, the guys, even my closest friends. Not wanting to depend on anyone for anything. Many times Lance, Pat or Tony tried asking me about my behavior and I just shrugged it off saying that I was just sad. That I would be fine. I was slowly digging my hole deeper with no way out, except by asking for help. That was one option that I didn't want to have to do.

When Lance, Pat and Tony's attempts failed, someone talked Justin into talking to me. One day, when everyone was out, I went to Pat's room and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and went to the back porch. I sat there and cried while I smoked. The entire time I cried, the only picture in my mind was the fact that I was yelling at that guy and Josh had to push me out of the way of this guy's bullet.

Because of that memory, I continued to blame myself for his death. I wanted so bad to go back and relive that day, but because I couldn't, suicide began to creep it's way inside my head telling me that this was the only way to end my pain and guilt. I tried to block it out by remembering the pain that dad caused by doing this, but those memories were flushed away at knowing that nothing could bother me anymore if I only attempted and succeeded.

During this session of the thoughts, the only thing that brought me back to reality and flushed those thoughts away was Justin's voice when he called my name.

"Monty?" he asked, in a calming voice.

When I heard him, I quickly pulled my hands to my face to get rid of my tears and sniffled to keep my nose from running. After I cleaned myself up as best as possible, I made sure my face was away when I answered.

"Yeah?" I asked back, in a very crackly voice.

"Are you ok, Monty?" he asked as he walked over to sit on the bench next to me.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Ya know, this is the first time that I've seen you cry since the funeral."

"Well, I'm sorry that you had to witness it now."

"Don't be. Please? We've all depended on you so much, that we forgot that this affected you, too. It's just that you've been such the strong one that we automatically turned to you."

The more he talked, the more tears formed in my eyes. I was starting to win my battle with them this time, until he said his next statement.

"It's almost as if you've taken Josh's role as the leader, so to speak."

With that said, my tears began to overflow my eyelids and find their way down.

Justin must have noticed that I was crying again because he reached his hands over and placed them on my shoulders. I did everything I could to keep from pulling away. He was trying to help comfort me by touch. Josh always comforted me by touching me on my arms, shoulder or back. Justin always noticed how people reacted when Josh touched them and he was trying his best to give the same outcome.

There I sat, with my back to Justin, and his hand on my shoulder crying. My sensitive voice cheering in my head telling me to give in. My masculine voice just calling me a baby. I was so torn by my emotions, that I couldn't do anything, so my body just took over and did it for me. As if on autopilot.

Noticing that his touch didn't help calm me, he moved over closer and tried to wrap his arms around my chest and hold me to his, but I pulled away telling him no. He sat there, behind me in silence as I sat, crying harder.

"I'm sorry, Monty. I didn't mean..."

"I know. I just don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it," I said, cupping my face in my hands.

"I wasn't saying that I felt sorry for you, I was just saying that we've been worried about you. You've been so strong for us that maybe it's your turn for us to be strong for you."

Again, my sensitive voice was doing jumping jack and summersaults screaming, 'Listen to him!! He may be the youngest, but he's right!! Let it out!! Depend on them for a change!!'

But before I could cave in, my other voice was sitting in the back of my brain just calling me a wimp and a baby.

Standing, I looked back at Justin through my tears, saying, "I'm not going to do that Justin. I can't cry. I have to be strong. For myself and Josh."

"By not mourning, Monty, Josh would be more angry with you. By not depending on us, your friends. Whenever Josh was feeling down or depressed, he always depended on us. Why can't you? We are here for you, Monty. All of us."

Turing my back to him, I asked, "But why? I'm the reason he's dead,"

Standing, Justin came over and placed his hand on my shoulder, which I quickly pulled away from. "Monty, you're not the reason he's..."

"Yes, I am, Justin. If I had only listened to him or if he had only gotten out of the way, then he would still be here."

"If he hadn't pushed you, then I would be talking to Josh now and you would be the one that was dead."

In a softer voice, thinking he couldn't hear me, I said, "I wish I was."

He proved me wrong and heard what I said by saying, "How can you say that, Monty?" Then he came up behind me and, again, placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Justin, please stop touching me. It's not working. You can't just put your hands on me like he did and make everything ok. So stop trying," I said in a hurtful tone.

"I'm sorry, Monty, I didn't me..."

"And stop saying you're sorry. It's getting annoying."

I heard Justin shuffle his feet as he turned around and open the glass door.

Before I heard the door shut, I heard his voice one last time.

"Monty, just let me tell you this." I just wanted him to leave me alone, so I thought that if I just listened, he would. "Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't make mistakes."

That would've been the end of the conversation, but my masculine voice was screaming, 'Let him have it!' And unfortunately, I did.

"Every thing happens for a reason?" Turning around, I finished repeating what he just told me. "God doesn't make mistakes? You mean that he did this purposely? He meant to cause this much pain on purpose? He didn't even let me see it!! This is the second time that he has purposely taken someone very close and very special to me away, and he didn't even give me a premonition about it. How can you honestly stand there and say that God doesn't make mistakes? He let me save you and Lance, but he wouldn't let me save my own lover from death. A lot of sense that makes."

Justin tried his best to interrupt me, but my anger was coming out full force at his comment and I didn't care what I said at this point.

"He let me see some fucking vision of three people dying in some bus accident, only one of which I had feelings for. But he wouldn't show me my own lover's death. Some sign that it was going to happen. In my book, God has made two very big mistakes. He gave me a gift, which I never asked for, and doesn't let me use it when the two most special men in my life are killed right in front of me. God has made some major mistakes. There will probably be no way to forgive him for what he has put me through.

"And you telling me that he doesn't make mistakes. There was a reason behind Josh's death. How could you even think that? You of all people? You were his best friend in the world and you are gonna look at me and tell me there is a reason for it. Fuck you, Justin. Fuck you for even thinking it."

Once I was through with my tantrum, I saw the tears start to fall from his eyes as he ran in the house and up the stairs.

Once Justin was out of sight, I expected to feel guilt and sorrow from what I just said, but instead, I felt a little more at ease. My anger was only the beginning of my depression, and unfortunately for Justin, he was my first victim.

During the next few days, Justin did his best to avoid me out of fear. After he told the rest of the guys what happened and what I said, they were acting very carefully around me. They knew that if they said the smallest thing that I disagreed with, that I would probably yell at them. Lance even tried to talk to me again, and I just lashed out at him, also. Inside my head, my masculine voice was getting stronger every time that I hurt one of my friends. Every time that I saw them leave me, crying, because of something that I said to them, his little voice seemed to grow louder.

In my mind, I was staying strong. I was just doing it the wrong way. I was so full of rage because of Josh's death and the fact that I had to be the strong one, I didn't care what I said or who I hurt saying it. The only person that kept trying or egging me on was Tony. I knew he could take it and I did everything I could to find his weakness. He was the only one that fought back with words. Everyone else just retreated.

During one of our arguments, I was beginning to sense Tony's weakness and I was aiming in on it with my masculine voice telling me to do so with everything I had. He and I were yelling at each other because he was trying to help. By this time, my sensitive voice was nowhere to be found. It's like in those cartoons where you have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. By the end of the cartoon, the devil usually goes over and punches the angel off and the devil won the match. That is what happened after that first attack on Justin. My masculine voice completely tore my other voice down and I hadn't heard it from it since.

While we were arguing, the rest of the guys were standing around watching us. They wanted to stop it, but knew that if Tony succeeded, that it was possible that I would stop acting like an ass. At the end of our conversation, that just about happened. Tony and I started with different subjects in the beginning and ended up on the death. I was aiming for his weakness when he blindsided me with my own.

"How would you act if it was Mitchell who was killed?" I yelled to him.

"I don't know, but I probably wouldn't be acting like the bitch that you are. And besides, if you kept your fucking mouth shut, Josh might still be alive today!!!" he retorted.

I was about to come back with a response when the reality of what he said hit me. I took two steps back and looked at him. As I did, I heard Pat call Tony's name and then saw his face fall at what he, himself had just told one of his best friends. As tears started to form, Tony called my name and before he could get anything else out of his mouth, I bolted for the stairs and ran for my room.

Once I was safely inside, I collapsed on the bed, crying at how true his statement was and for the fact that I wasn't the only one that thought that.

I just had a harder time believing that it was Tony who said it. I would've expected it from Justin or even Lance, but never from Tony. He found my weakness and he completely knocked me off balance.

After crying for a few minutes, I heard a knock at the door.

"Go away," I said through the lump in my throat.

"Monty, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."

He waited on the other side of the closed door for an answer, which never came. After a few more second of silence, he called again, "Monty?"

"WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING GO AWAY?!?!?!"

After that outburst, I never heard another sound from the door. I just laid on the bed and continued to cry. After a while, my head was pounding from all the crying and thinking that I was doing. I slowly sat up and went to the bathroom to get some aspirin. When I opened the medicine cabinet, I located the pills behind many prescription pill bottles.

Instead of reaching for the aspirin, I reached in and pulled out four bottles. I looked at each one then sat them on the counter. Looking up at myself in the mirror, my masculine voice was telling me that this was the only way to stop the pain. There were no protests from the other voice, so I believed what my mind was telling me. I looked back down and took each bottle in my hand and carefully removed the lid. Once they were removed, I poured the contents onto the counter and guessed to be about 50 pills of different sizes and color.

'That should take care of the problem,' my mind said. 'Those should do fine.'

I agreed and reached for a cup and filled it with water. I held the water in my right hand and reached down with my left and picked up as many as I could grab. Slowly bringing my hand to my mouth, I glanced in the mirror and I froze. I didn't see my reflection. I saw my father's. It was like the mirror turned into a television and it was showing me the events of my father's death. The aftermath it caused. The pain that no one in the family thought they would have to ever go through. This vision was my sensitive voice sending me a message. A message that I didn't even know existed in my anger filled world, until now.

I lowered my hand back to the counter and closed my mouth. As I looked at the counter, I saw the many colors and swept my hands through them and pills went scattering everywhere. I set the cup down next to the sink and collapsed onto the toilet seat, crying at what I almost did. In those cartoons, somehow, someway, the angel always comes back and puts the devil in his place. At that point, I knew that that is what happened

'It's time for you to mourn. It's your turn to cry for Joshua.'

With that thought churning in my head, I cried so hard that I wore myself out. In the bathroom, pills everywhere, I fell asleep sitting on the toilet with my arms on the sink for support resting my head against my arms.

"PATRICK!! TONY!!!" I heard someone scream.

I looked up and saw Lance coming over to me, quickly.

"Monty, what have you done?" he asked, starting to cry.

"Nothing. Why?" I asked, still half asleep.

"What? What is it?" Pat said as he, Tony and everyone ran up the stairs.

I saw them look around the bathroom and I saw terror spread across each of their faces like the sun rising on the dessert.

"How many did you take?" Tony asked in anger.

"What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion.

"The fucking pills, Monty. How many did you take?" Pat clarified.

Looking around my surroundings, I noticed little pills everywhere. For a moment, I had forgotten what almost happened. Then I remembered the events and told them, "None."

"You expect me to believe that?" Lance asked though his tears. He had now lowered himself on his knees in front of me.

"I didn't take any. I was going to, but I didn't," I said.

"How can we believe you?" Joey asked.

"How long have I been up here?" I asked.

"About one and a half to two hours," Chris answered.

"Well, then I would be dead, now, wouldn't I?" I shot back.

"I better call an ambulance, anyway," Pat said, leaving the room.

"I don't need an ambulance. I didn't take any," I said getting frustrated.

"Monty, please?" Lance asked.

"No, Lance. I didn't take any fucking pills." Standing, I pushed my way through the guys and stood in the bedroom. "Why can't you fucking believe me?"

"Ever since Josh died..." Chris started.

"Why is it that somebody has to bring Josh up? It's been a month. I've finally gotten to the point where I can move on and forget about it. Then one of you brings it up. I haven't cried in a while, I'm just trying to get past it," I said turning to leave.

"Since you stopped crying, you've become such a bitch," Justin said.

I stopped before leaving and turned around to face him, when I said, "Fuck you, again, Justin." After I said that, I left the room and slammed the door behind me.

Before heading back downstairs, I stepped back in the room and grabbed my pillow and blanket. "I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Where am I going to sleep?" Justin asked.

"I don't know. Sleep with Lance for all I care," I said in an irritated tone. Then I went down to the couch and got ready for bed.

In the back of my mind, I only knew that they were trying to help, but I needed them to believe me on this. I wanted them to believe me, but I didn't want to have to go to the doctor for them to. With my mind spinning a thousand miles a second, I fell into the pullout bed, exhausted.

After a while of laying there, the movement upstairs began to cease. The footsteps above me were finally quiet. Doors stopped opening and shutting and everyone was in their rooms for the night. With silence surrounding the house, I shut my eyes and quickly fell asleep.

My dreams started as usual, with pleasant ones of Josh and I. Later Lance got involved with them and soon everything was fine. With a flash, my dreams switched to nightmares. The first of my nightmares brought me back to the basement in the house. My father's office, before the suicide.

I ran to him, very concerned of his fall down the stairs.

"Daddy, are you ok?" I asked out of fear.

"I had to get out of there," he said, out of breath. "Could you open the door and let some air in?"

Without hesitation, I started for the door, then stopped and turned around to face him again, ready with a question. All I saw was his hand wrapped around a gun holding it to his head.

"NO!!!!!!" I screamed, looking in his eyes and seeing fear and sorrow.

I lunged forward, but it was too late. He pulled the trigger while he was staring in my eyes. As soon as the sound hit my ears, he was slumped over in his chair, lifeless.

"NO, DADDY, NO!!!!!" I screamed as I ran to him.

By this time, there was no saving him. He was gone. I reached for the phone and called 9-1-1. Screaming on the phone about the event that just took place, the ambulance was dispatched and arrived shortly after. While I was waiting, I ran outside to look for the paramedics, crying. When they arrived, I told them to go around back and I would go and open the door from the inside.

When I stepped back inside the basement, I heard my father still breathing. Hope flooding my head and heart, I ran to the door and told the paramedics that he was still breathing. Once they were inside, I went back around front and cried. Later on in the evening, we all realized there was no hope and the machines that were keeping him alive, were turned off. He died at 8:06 pm on Thursday, April 8, 1999.

After that event was replayed in my dream, the next nightmare came only moments later. A bright light flashed and I was at the scene right before Josh's murder. My mind watched as everything replayed in my dream. I, once again saw the man pointing the gun at me, and as it was fired, Josh pushed me aside, jumping right in front of the oncoming bullet.

The next events were happening as if I was there again. I tried my best to not look, but sorrow overtook my guilt and my mind watched everything. Even the moment Josh died. After calling his name a few times and Patrick checking on him, Lance once again reached over and closed Josh's eyes. When I got up and started screaming, that is when I woke up.

"NOOO!!!!!!!" I screamed, sitting up.

Looking around me and finding me at home, I bowed my head and began to cry. Frustrated about everything and guilty that Josh died because of me, I leapt out of bed in anger.

Tears still streaming down my cheeks, I screamed, "WHY??? WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME SEE IT?"

Receiving no answer, I reached on the side table and grabbed the lamp and threw it across the room. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!!" I screamed, and fell to my knees.

Above my head, I heard many pairs of feet scrambling to get downstairs to see what happened.

"Monty?" Lance called as he was racing down the stairs. "Monty, are you ok?"

I didn't answer him. I just kept my head down and cried. Followed behind him was everyone else. I had woken up everyone in the house. I didn't need any of this, now. I just wanted to be back with Josh. He was the only reason that I still breathed, knowing that I would betray him and my father if I killed myself.

"Monty," Lance called, again, this time with tears in his voice. "What happened?"

Trying to control my tears long enough to answer him, I found that I couldn't. I just shook my head from side to side and Lance fell next to me and grabbed me in a hug. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to be weak in front of Lance. In front of everyone.

"Shhh. It's ok, Monty. I'm here. I'm here," he said through his tears while he stroked my hair.

I took my hands away from my face and for the first time in a long time, I wrapped them around my lover, willing him to never leave me alone. As he felt my arms around his body, he let out a gasp and a few tears followed.

"What happened, baby?" he asked, again.

"I dreamed it, again," I answered in gasps of breath. "Please don't leave me," I said to Lance. "I need you."

"I'm not going anywhere," he told me, kissing the top of my head. I just cried harder, knowing he still loved me after the hell I put him through.

After a little while longer, my eyes started to dry and I pulled away from Lance to see everyone looking at me. I quickly looked away, not wanting to answer any questions.

"You going to be ok?" Chris asked.

My head nodded my approval and everyone told us that they were headed back to bed.

"Ok. Thanks guys," Lance said, giving a small smile

After everyone retreated back to their rooms, Lance asked if I wanted him to stay with me. I told him that I did and I grabbed him back in a hug. He responded by wrapping his arms around my body and once again, I started crying.

"Monty, why are you crying?" he asked. His voice smooth and calm.

"I-I-I miss him so much, Lance," I answered in a very unsteady voice.

"I know, baby. We all do," he said, lightly rubbing my back to try and calm me.

"It's my fault he's gone. I'm so sorry," I sobbed.

"How can you say that, Monty? You didn't know. You didn't see it. You weren't meant to."

"But, if I had only listened..."

"Stop doing that. You didn't know. There was no way to know this would happen."

Pulling back to look in his emerald eyes, I asked through my tears, "But, why? Why wasn't I meant to see it and save him?"

Pulling me back to him, he answered in a soft voice, "I don't know, baby. I don't know."

After a few moments silence, except for my sobs, the answer was reveled.

"Because, that premonition was meant for me," a familiar voice called out.

I pulled back to look in his eyes and noticed over his shoulder someone was standing in the kitchen entrance. Wiping my eyes, I called, "Josh?"

"Hey, baby," he said, smiling his famous smile.

I completely pulled away from Lance and stood, looking. Lance turned on the bed and rose to stand next to me. Eyes wide with disbelief. "Josh? Is it really you?" he asked as tears formed in his eyes.

"In a sense, yes," he answered, smiling at us both.

Walking closer to him, I cautiously reached out a hand to touch him. Instead, my hand went right through his arm were I was aiming. Here was Josh standing in front of me, as real as could be, and my hand couldn't even touch him.

"I'm not here, Monty. It's my spirit. It felt your pain and it came to you."

My face instantly fell and tears, once again, started to form. I backed up a little and Lance closed the distance between us and stood behind me.

Trying to control my voice, I asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I now know what you meant when you said, 'When it comes to my premonitions, that right is given on a need to know basis by me.' I didn't want to tell you because I didn't know when it was going to happen and I didn't want you to worry."

"But it wasn't me that was killed. It was you. Why didn't I see it?"

"It was supposed to be you, but when I pushed you out of the way, I was hit.

It wasn't meant to be that way."

Hearing what he just told me, my knees began to buckle. Lance grabbed my arm, noticing my unsteadiness and pulled me back to the couch.

After I was settled, Josh's spirit came closer to us and began speaking, again.

"Justin was right by telling you that things happen for a reason. God doesn't make mistakes. This was all part of his plan, Monty."

Looking up at his eyes, I asked, "What reason did he have for your murder?"

"Madam Zuvik was right when she said that we were soul mates. Instead of three hundred years, our souls have been fighting to be together for over three thousand years. Only it wasn't my soul that was with you all that time."

"Then who's soul was with Monty for that long?" Lance asked.

"Yours," he answered simply.

Now it was Lance's time to be weak kneed. He slowly lowered himself to the couch beside me.

"Monty's soul was one of the original souls. Yours was the other, Lance."

"Then why did she say that we were soul mates?" I asked, taking control of my composure.

"In this life, I was a piece of Lance's soul. When the lady looked at us, she saw your soul and Lance's soul. I was part of that soul to bring you two together. I was the one that completed the circle, Monty. Not Lance. I was in this life to bring you two together. I succeeded in that task and my time was up."

"But why would God bring us so close only to take you from me?"

"I can't answer that, Monty. He only put me in your life to bring you to Lance."

Looking over at Lance, I saw that he was crying. Instead of hugging him, I stood to look into Josh's eyes. When I was in front of him, he told me to hold out my hand in front of me. I did as I was told and he waved his hand over mine and a ring appeared. I picked up the ring and looked at it. It was one of the three rings that Josh had designed. This one had the word 'Mates' on it. The one that Josh wore.

"This ring was meant for Lance. Not me," he said, smiling.

I looked back at his face and gave a smile, which slowly turned into a frown, followed by tears.

"What's wrong, Monty?" he asked.

"I would give anything to touch you one last time," I said, cupping my face in my hands.

After a few moments this way, I thought Josh had left. Then I felt a hand on my arm. I pulled my hands away to see it was Josh's. I started crying harder and pulled him into a hug.

"I love you so much," I told him, never wanting to let go.

"I love you, too, Monty. I always will. I'll be there looking out for you two for the rest of your lives. I'll always be there."

I just cried harder at the words he spoke. He'll always be there in my heart, but not in life, anymore.

Josh was the one that broke our contact. He pulled back from me gently and reached down for Lance's hand. Lance slowly reached up and placed his hand in Josh's. When he did, Josh pulled him up and took him in a hug. I stepped back to give them a little more room.

"I love you, Josh. I've loved you since the first day we met," Lance said through his tears.

"I love you, too, Lance. I'll never stop loving you. Remember that," he said, softly.

Josh stroked Lance's hair as they hugged, while Lance cried. Once again, it was Josh that broke the hug and he pulled Lance back to look in his eyes. He slowly closed the distance between the two of them and gave Lance one last kiss.

Breaking the kiss, Josh added, "I love you."

Lance brought his hands up to wipe his tears and gave a small, sad smile.

Josh walked up to me and put his hands on my arms. "I'm depending on you to watch after Justin and the guys. You and Lance, both. Keep them close to you. They were the best friends that I could've hoped for and they will love you just as much."

"I will. I'll make you proud, Josh," I said looking in his eyes.

"I know you will," he said, brushing the hair off my forehead. Leaning in, he gave me one last kiss. His touch was soft and loving. I closed my eyes and let my body remember what his touch did to me so that I would never forget it. When he broke the kiss, I felt as if a light in my heart was turned off. I opened my eyes wanting more, but knew that was the last physical contact that I would have with him.

As Lance and I were staring into Josh's eyes, we noticed a voice coming from behind us. Reluctantly, I turned around to look at Lance and noticed the television was on. One of the many tapes that Josh had made while I was in the hospital, was playing. When I looked past Lance to the TV, he turned and joined me.

There on the screen, Josh was holding the camera out in front of him with the lens practically in his face. He was smiling and talking into the camera like he was carrying on a two-way conversation. He was asking questions, making statements and such and looked like he was having a good time. I remember thinking to myself, 'He really was staying strong. He actually looks like he was having a good time.'

After a few more moments, in the background, you could hear Joey and Chris' voice asking if he wanted to join them for a bite. He agreed and sat the camera down. When he did, he forgot to turn it off. I turned around to look at Josh and he just motioned for me to keep watching.

About another minute later, someone walked into the room and stood next to the bed where I was laying. There wasn't much light in the room at the time, so it was hard to make out who it was until they started talking. Right then and there, I knew it was Justin.

"Well, JC's at the hotel with Chris and Joey. I haven't really been able to spend much time with you alone. Your mom, step dad or your brother is always checking in on you. They really do care about you, Monty. Tony, Pat, Mitchell and Steve are here for you too. We all are."

He sat down in the chair next to me and continued.

"You'd be so proud of Josh. He's staying strong because of you. He loves you that much, Monty. We all do. We want you to see that JC's been here by your side waiting. Monty, you've touched us all with your kindness and love. Especially Josh. But I feel as if you've done something to me. I don't just care for you as one of the guys, but as something more. It's almost as if you're meant to be in my life in some way. Our lives. I don't know why. Maybe it's the way I see how happy you make Josh. Maybe, it's the way you comforted me when I was feeling down. The way you listen."

By this time, I could tell the Justin was crying. He had wiped his eyes several times and he was sniffling. I, myself, couldn't control my emotions any longer and I began to form tears at what Justin told me in the hospital.

"I really don't know how JC's doing it. If I were in his position, I would've probably lost it by now. I can't see loving someone that much and being able to see them like this everyday...I just don't know how he's doing it. Maybe I never will."

"Britney's coming tomorrow. Maybe she can help get our minds off of the negative for a while and have us focus on the positive. I wish you could meet her. She really knows how to listen. And boy can she talk."

After he mentioned Britney, he wiped his face and placed his hands on his knees and stood. Then he grabbed my hand and I could see that he squeezed it as he spoke his next sentence. "Come back to us soon, Monty. We all miss you."

He stood there for a minute longer and then turned and walked out the door.

After this was over, the tape had run to the end and snow over took the TV. I wiped my tears and turned to face Josh, but when I turned around, he wasn't there. He left just as quick and mysterious as he appeared. I immediately began to cry, again.

Lance came over, with tears in his eyes, he took me in his arms and pulled me to the bed and sat me down. We held each other and cried knowing that we would never see Josh again.

A short time later, music began to come over the speakers. At first, the volume was so low, that I couldn't make out the song that was playing, but once I was able to make out the music and the words, it soothed me so much, that I stopped crying. Somehow, Josh wanted to let us know that he loved us and that he would never stop, so he played our song for the both of us.

"...I'm gonna love you forever. And this is all I'm asking of you. Ten thousand life times together..."

Lance must have realized what the song represented, because he started crying harder. I wiped my eyes and smiled, knowing Josh would always be around, in my heart if I ever needed him to listen. I wrapped my arms around Lance and slowly rocked him back and forth to calm him. After about five minutes, his crying slowed to a sob and I placed my hand on his chin and pulled his head up to look in his eyes. I took my thumb and wiped his tears away and told him that I loved him. He just flashed me a small, innocent smile and lowered his gaze to the floor.

"It's gonna be hard, baby, but if we stick together and take care of each other, we can pull through this," I told him.

Pulling back a little, he said, "I know. But I just want him back here. I know he'll always be here, but I want him with us."

"I know, baby. I do to, but this is the way life works sometimes. I just figured that out tonight. As much as I wish it wasn't true, it is."

He just looked in my eyes and bit his lip as if he were trying to fight off more tears. I reached over and grabbed his hand and told him to get in bed.

He slowly got up and I lifted the covers for him to slide in. When he was settled, I told him that I would be back in a minute or two.

"Where're you goin'?" he asked.

"There is something I need to take care of before I get some sleep. I won't be long," I said, looking into his sparkling emeralds.

I turned and headed up the stairs. At the top, I went straight for my room.

I slowly opened the door and peeked inside. Justin was lying on his back with the covers up to his chin. I came in the room and closed the door and went to sit on the bed, next to Justin.

After I sat, I watched him as he slept. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest with every breath he took. The way his hands lay flat on his chest as he slept. The peace that over took him, or anyone, as they slept was the only peace found in this world nowadays. He reminded me a lot of Josh like this. They both look like angels with the moonlight shining through the window, streaking across the room to land on their face. Justin really was beautiful and Britney was one very lucky girl to have such a wonderful person in her life.

As I was watching, Justin stirred a little, causing a curl to fall over his forehead. After he settled down, I reached up and moved the curl back to where it was and slowly lowered my hand to cup his cheek. Before I could remove it thought, Justin opened his eyes.

"Monty, what are you doing?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Just sitting here watching you sleep," I smiled.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I didn't want to wake you. I wanted to talk to you but after I saw how peaceful you were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you up."

Pulling himself to a sitting position, he asked, "What did you need to talk to me about?"

"I want to apologize to you about this last month or so. I wasn't thinking about anyone but me. In my mind, I was the only one who lost Josh, but in reality, you guys have been with him for almost a decade. I was really being selfish, and I'm sorry."

Justin didn't know what to say, he just sat there with his knees against his chest and his arms folded across them. He looked down at his legs for a moment and gave a sigh.

"Justin, please forgive me. I'm sorry for the way I treated you and I am sorry for saying those things to you. I just realized, with some help, that everything you told me on the porch that day was true. Unfortunately, this did happen for a reason."

I lowered my gaze to the bed and Justin asked what reason this happened. I told him that I would tell him soon, but as of now, I just wanted his forgiveness for everything I said to him and for the way I acted.

After a moment passed, he lowered his legs to sit Indian style and leaned over and took me in a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and we sat there, in silence, holding each other like the best of friends would do.

"I love you, Monty," he told me.

"You too, Justin," I replied.

Another minute longer, I pulled back and said, "Well, we better both get some sleep. Looks like tonight might be the first peaceful sleep I get, so I am looking forward to it. I'm sorry I woke you. Now go back to sleep," I said, lifting the covers for him to slide back under.

After he was settled, I tucked him in and he smiled at me then turned over on his side.

As I was leaving, I pulled the door opened and looked back. "Thank you, Justin," I said. He grunted his acknowledgement and I left the room.

When I was back down stairs, I went to get in the bed and noticed Lance was still awake.

"Everything ok?" he asked.

"Everything's great, baby. Everything's just great. Now let's get some sleep, I'm exhausted," I told him.

He and I both slid our way further down the bed to get comfortable and once we were settled, I reached over and pulled Lance next to me. I got even closer and placed my chest against his back and wrapped my arm under his arm then across his chest. He placed his hand on top of mine and we started off to dreamland.

Before we both slipped away, I said one last thing.

"I love you, James," then softly kissed the nape of his neck.

"I love you, too, Montgomery."

Then we both fell asleep within minutes.

To Be Continued . . . .