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Chapter 6: The Surprise
I froze at the sight before me in the kitchen. Dad, sitting at the table, arms placed in front of him, his hands on the table joined together in a fist. He gave me a stern look when I walked into the doorway, and his eyes didn't depart from my face when I pretended not to notice the white bag, the box of condoms and the lube on the table in front of him. How in the hell did he find those?!
"So," he said as I opened the fridge door. "How was your day?"
"Not bad," I said, leaving out a lot of details. It was better than not bad. It was great. But now was clearly not the time. "How was yours?"
"Oh, just great," he replied with a stern tone in his voice. I looked back at him and his face scrunched up. "Just...super!"
"Um," I stammered. "Okay then." I went back to the fridge and took out a carafe full of lemon water. Next stop: Cupboard. For both a cup, and to avoid Dad's eyes.
"So..." he began. "I did some of your laundry today."
"You did, huh?" I replied, eyes still buried in the cabinet.
"Yeah," he said. "Actually, the laundry in the hamper in the bathroom. Mostly towels. Mostly your stuff, since your mom and I use the laundry baskets in our bedroom closets. You ought to look in there sometime."
Where was this going? He's pissed over some laundry?
"I folded your things," he continued. "A few shirts. Mostly underwear. And I thought, hey, while I'm folding these towels, I might as well fold your stuff. And then I thought, might be nice if I did him a favor and put them away too."
"Thanks," I said.
"Yeah," he replied. "And when I opened the top drawer of your dresser..."
I closed my eyes and sighed. Of course. That's how he found them.
"You found drugs?" I quipped.
"Don't be smart with me Jamie," he said, his tone getting more angry. "Turn around when I'm talking with you."
I did just that. "Better yet, come over here," he directed to the seat in front of him.
I grabbed my water off the counter -- I'm probably going to need this, I thought, preparing for an interrogation -- then walked over to him, taking a seat in the chair he requested.
Dad picked up the box of condoms. "You want to tell me what this is about?"
I gave him a puzzled look. "Um, those are condoms," I dumbly said.
"I know what they are!" he roared. "I've been putting these on my dick since before you were born!"
I was going to need to de-fuse this situation and fast. The best disinfectant is the truth. At least in this scenario, anyway, because there was no way I could come up with a lie off the top of my head that would save me.
"Listen," I said, putting my hands flat on the table, "I can explain. Those aren't mi--"
"Don't tell me these aren't yours," he said, shaking the box at me. "This either!" he said as he picked up the lube. "Why would you have things in your room that aren't yours?"
"I...uh..."
"Yeah," he said, putting them both down. "That's what I thought. Where did you even get these anyway?"
"Uh..."
"You know what? I don't want to know. I can't believe it, my own son having sex under my roof!"
"...wait. What?"
"Did I stutter?"
"Dad," I said defensively, "I'm not having sex." Well, jizzing on your towel at a nude beach while getting a massage from a naked stud doesn't count as sex, right? Sexual, but not sex, I thought.
"Right," Dad replied skeptically. "You're not having sex. That's why you have a jumbo-sized box of condoms and a giant bottle of lube in your dresser drawer!"
Jumbo-sized? It never occurred to me the box was "jumbo-sized." I've never bought condoms before, I thought. You mean they don't normally come in boxes of 36?
"Dad, the box isn't even open. The bottle is still sealed, see?" I took the bottle from the table and unscrewed the lid, revealing the aluminum safety seal.
"That's just means you've done it before!" he retorted. "And you liked it so much you went out and bought a two-week supply!"
"Dad..."
"Don't Dad me," he said. "I have proof!"
"What?"
"I have proof you're getting freaky when we aren't around!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Smart...security...cameras," he replied, putting a staccato emphasis on each word. "I had them covertly installed around the house when you, Dan and your mom were out a few weeks ago. You've heard about the break-ins we've been having lately. Better safe than sorry."
I hadn't heard about the break-ins, but... "You put one in my room?"
"You're goddamn right I did!" he shouted. "Someone comes in and murders my family in the middle of the night, I want to know who the fuck did it so I can kill the bastard myself!"
At this point, I realized Dad was completely unhinged. From accusing me of having sex to accusing me of having sex in his house to covertly installing spy cameras throughout the house and my bedroom...
Oh shit.
If he installed a camera in my room, it means he would have seen me yesterday. Checking myself out in front of the mirror. Naked. He would have seen what came after that too, what came after my shower. Specifically, he would have seen that what came afterwards was me.
My heart dropped into my stomach at the thought of it. Even if he didn't have proof I was having sex, he had enough embarrassing material on me.
"In fact," he said, getting up from the table. "Let's have a look at some of this proof now, shall we?"
He walked over to the kitchen counter. I hadn't noticed his laptop sitting there before. It was open, as if he'd been meticulously preparing this cross-examination all day. And now, here comes the bombshell...
"Dad..."
"No, you had your chance. Watch."
He turned the laptop towards him, waking up the screen and pressing a button. The muffled sound of car traffic played through the speakers.
"You got all of that?" he said to his computer before turning it around to me.
There on the screen was a Skype window with Dan's grinning face barely containing his giggles. After a few seconds, it was too much for them both, and the burst into laughter.
"What...is going on?" I said, confused.
"Surprise, little bro!" Dan shouted at the camera. I realized he was parked somewhere off the road. He had been watching this entire episode with Dad play out from his phone.
"Um..."
"We got you!" Dad said. "We got you good, admit it!"
"You...you guys...got me?" I said, both acknowledging the truth and still deeply confused.
"You should have seen your face!" Dad said, still laughing along with Dan.
"He was like, oh no, I've been caught!" Dan chimed in.
"Someone want to tell me what's going on?" I asked.
"Dan, I got it from here, I'll see you later for dinner."
"Bye Dad," a smiling Dan replied. "Bye fucker!" he said last to me.
Dad closed the laptop and walked back over to the table, still laughing. He laughed so hard he started to cry. I just sat there, still perplexed.
Dad must've noticed. "Relax," he said, tossing the condoms and lube back in the paper bag. "We were just messing with you."
"So you know those aren't mine?"
"Oh no, they're yours," Dad said earnestly. "I just know the backstory."
"Want to fill me in?" Maybe he knew something I didn't know.
"First off, I didn't find these," Dad said, flicking the bag with his finger. "Your mom did."
"Oh God," I said, bringing my hands up and burying my face in them.
"I started the laundry in the hamper, and she came home from lunch to find them in the dryer. She folded your stuff and put them away. When she got to your underwear drawer, she found them."
"Oh God..."
He laughed again at my expense. "Not going to lie, she was a little upset. Not like, upset that you had them, but more like, oh my baby's growing up. You know how your mother is, she wants you guys to stay five forever."
I looked up from my hands. "Yeah..."
"Anyway, she texted me, and I said I didn't give them to you. So she texted Dan, and Dan told us what happened."
"He did?"
"Yeah, he said they were a gag gift."
That was close to the truth, but not the whole truth. But hey, if that's what Mom and Dad wanted to believe...
"So Mom's relieved she still has her little baby, and I'm relieved that I'm no longer prime suspect number one."
"Uh huh..."
"And Dan texts back and is like, you know what? Let's have a little fun with this. The whole thing was his idea, I swear!"
"Uh huh..."
"Aw, come on James," he said. "Don't be mad at me."
"I'm not mad," I said. "Just...relieved."
"That I don't have video of you boning someone in you room?" Dad said with a laugh.
"Dad!"
"Like I said, relax. And no, I didn't really have cameras installed."
"If you did, you would have known I wasn't having sex," I pointed out.
"Yeah, but who knows what we would have seen?" Dad said.
"What do you think I get up to in there?"
"That's between you and your hand."
My face dropped back into my hands.
"And your face now too, I guess," he said with a laugh.
"Ugh."
He walked over to my side of the table and placed a hand on one of my shoulders. "Listen, Jamie," he began, his voice growing lovingly soft. "You make your mom and I very proud, you know that, right?"
Oh crap, time for one of those made-for-TV father-son bonding heart-to-heart conversations.
"Uh huh," I said.
"Frankly," he said, squeezing my shoulder, "I don't care what you get up to in there. Your mom doesn't either. You get good grades. You stay out of trouble. You aren't doing drugs..." He paused for a moment. "You aren't doing drugs, right?"
"No!"
"Well, that was your first guess when I asked you what I found!"
"Bad joke, I guess."
He shrugged it off. "Anyway, you make us both proud. If there's a better son out there, I'm not sure who it would be."
I looked at him, my stress easing up a bit. "Thanks, Dad."
"Well, maybe Dan. We did always like him better."
A smile broke out. "He is the prodigal son."
"Mmm...not quite," Dad said. "We were having different conversations with him when he was 14."
"I'll bet."
"He was your age when he asked your mother and I to buy him condoms," Dad recounted. "We told him if he was old enough to fuck, he was old enough to buy his own!"
Well, that was blunt, I thought.
"He called our bluff," Dad continued. "That was a painful lesson to learn -- that your kids are going to grow up whether you're ready for them to or not."
"Dan's grown up?" I joked.
"Doesn't seem like it sometimes, does it?" Dad quipped back. "Don't get me wrong, we're proud of him too. But when he finally moved out, your mom and I celebrated with a bottle of wine. You, by comparison..." he patted me on the back. "You are way more mild than your brother ever was."
I wouldn't say that, especially after the day I had today, I thought to myself.
"We needed the break," Dad laughed.
I chuckled. "I think, if we're done here, I'm going to go rest before dinner. Today kind of took a lot out of me."
"Yeah, you smell like saltwater and fish. Clean yourself up before you come down here, for my sake more than Dan's."
"Will do," I said. I got up from the table and headed for the doorway.
"Dan! I mean, Jamie!" Dad called for me.
I shot him a look, the kind that said oh-no-you-did-not-just-call-me-that. "What?"
Dad grabbed the bag from the table. "Forgetting something?"
"Dad..." I started to protest.
"Don't," he said, holding up his free hand like a traffic cop directing cars to stop. "Just take them. For when you're ready, so you'll at least have them."
I stood there.
"We don't want any grandkids anytime soon," Dad said with a chuckle. "And even though you're...you know..."
"Gay," I said. "Dad, I'm gay."
"I know," Dad said. "Even though you're gay, you just never know. You never know what'll happen." He paused. "Just ask your brother."
"Why do you have to compare me to him?" I asked jokingly.
"Just...take them," he said, waving the bag in front of me. "At the very least, the lube works great for jacking off."
I rolled my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me until you try it!" Dad said. I took the bag from him and turned around to walk out again.
"Hey, one more thing, James."
"What?" I asked.
"If you're old enough to fuck, you're old enough to buy your own."
A few minutes later, I stepped out of the shower, completely exhausted but not wanting to nap with the smell of the ocean on my skin. I picked up my clothes from the bathroom floor and walked them to my room -- I'm not making that hamper mistake again, I thought to myself.
I tossed the dirty clothes in the closet along with my towel. Naked, I walked over to the dresser and pulled open the top drawer where the underwear and socks were neatly arranged. An empty spot stood in the corner where the paper bag had been. I picked out a pair of boxers and slipped them over my body.
Looking at the paper bag, I wondered where I'd stash this "gag gift" next. The space in the drawer felt so violated, even if my parents were cool with what they'd found.
And, I admitted to myself, my parents were pretty cool. Especially on the topic of sex. When I was 10, Dad felt it was time for me to have "the talk." It went something like this:
"Son, you've been on the Internet before, so I know you know what sex is. Anyone who has been online has come across porn. I don't care if you watch porn. I don't care if you masturbate. Hell, I don't even care if you start fucking tomorrow. But listen to me very carefully: If you get a girl pregnant, you'd better be old enough to take care of her and your baby, because there's no way in hell your mom and I are doing it."
That wasn't the Cliff's Notes version, either. That was word-for-word how "the talk" went. I'm not sure how other people had "the talk" with their parents, but I doubt it was as simple as "Google it and don't bring a baby home."
When I came out last year, Dad had an updated version of "the talk:"
"Listen, son, you remember when you were 10 and we had that conversation about sex? Well, forget what I said about chicks and the baby. Unless this is one of those curiosity phases, which I'm not saying it is, but if it is, the chick and the baby rule still applies. Also, you'd better not send your dick to anyone on Snapchat."
Strangely, the gay sex talk was slightly longer than the original sex talk. And I didn't even use Snapchat, but Dad saw a story on the news that teens were using it to sext, and he figured it was better to be safe than sorry.
I tossed the bag of condoms into my nightstand drawer. If I was going to fuck anyway, I rationed, this would give me easier access.
Dressed in just my boxers, I climbed under the covers. I reached onto the nightstand for my phone, opened it up and looked up my conversation with Ryan. There were two messages from him.
"Hey squirt, you're missing a great time out here! Sorry you had to go so soon!" And then the other: "Just made it home, hope you got home safely too."
I texted him back: "Hey man, sorry I missed it too. I had a great time today, thanks! Until I came home, that is."
A few minutes went by, then: "Hey! Was wondering about you. What happened?"
"Long story," I said. "My dad and my brother in on some fun. I was the butt of their joke."
"I've got time."
A few seconds later, the call screen lit up. It was Ryan.
"What's up?" I answered.
"Hey!" Ryan said cheerfully. I could hear the smile on the other end. "So what happened? I'm dying to know?"
"Ah, man, I'm getting ready for a nap," I said, feeling my cock twitch in my boxers at the sound of Ryan on the phone. As fun as it'd be to jerk off right now, I thought, I really need to sleep. "Can I call you back in a little bit?"
"Aww, come on man," he said. "Just real quick?"
"Alright," I said, propping myself up by pushing my elbows on the mattress. I told him the whole story from the moment I got home to the moment I left the kitchen.
"Wow," Ryan said, laughing the entire time. "That's hella funny, man!"
A chime crept in through the speaker. "Hang on, I have a text," I told Ryan. I looked at the screen to see who it was from. Dan.
"See you at dinner! I'm sure it won't be awkward at all," Dan wrote, ending his message with a smiley emoticon with its tongue sticking out.
"You're an asshole," I quickly typed back before tapping the screen to go back to the call.
"Sorry, it was Dan," I said.
"What'd he say?"
"That he's coming over soon to mooch free food off my parents, because, you know, he's so grown up. I called him an asshole."
Ryan laughed. "Hey man, who can turn down the steakhouse? Can I come over and mooch free food off your parents too?"
I laughed at that. Ryan wanted to get me out of my shell? His charm was starting to work on me.
"Maybe sometime," I said.
"So what happened to the condoms?" he asked.
"What?"
"What'd you do with the rubbers?"
"Oh," I said. "My dad gave them back to me. I still have them. I don't know why, it's not like I"m ever going to use them."
"You never know that!"
"I'm pretty sure."
"Well, if you don't want them, I'll take them!" he said excitedly.
"You can have them," I replied honestly. My cock was now semi-hard in my pants. Any harder and it'd be poking out of the fly. I had to get this conversation under control.
"What about the lube?" he asked.
"What about it?"
"Have you tried it?"
"No," I said. "I haven't had time." I'm not sure why I thought that'd be the best response.
"Oh man, you have to! You'll never jerk off the same way again!"
I'll never jerk off the same way again anyway after seeing Ryan completely naked earlier today, I though to myself.
"Maybe," I said.
"You sound tired," Ryan said. "I'd better let you go. It was so much fun hanging out with you today man! You free later this week?"
"Pretty much all week," I replied.
"Oh! Before I let you go, I had a question for you," Ryan said.
"Shoot." I turned onto my side, ready to assume the sleep position.
"Hey, did your back burn at all today?"
"What?"
"Well, my back sort of itches, like maybe you missed a spot with the sunscreen. Thought maybe I might've done the same to you."
I thought for a minute. Did I miss a spot? No, I'm pretty sure I covered every inch of him. I mean, I was rubbing down his incredibly hot body, his amazing skin, feeling his shoulders, his back, his legs and -- at his request -- his butt. And my memory was a little foggy anyway because of the orgasm I had just a few minutes ear...
Oh. Oh shit. I instantly remembered a glob of jizz drip onto his back. Fuck! I thought I got it all!
"No, no, my back's not burned," I said quickly, trying to get off the phone before I said something to indict myself. "I'm sorry if yours is. Are you sure it's a burn?"
"Dunno," Ryan said. "Probably not. I've had mild sunburns before. This feels...I dunno...different."
Oh no. Ryan's allergic to my sperm, I thought, not realizing what a ludicrous idea that might be.
"It almost feels like someone jizzed on my back," he said bluntly.
My dick deflated. I froze in my bed.
That's the end of Chapter 6! Let me know what you guys think of the story so far: cullen.dyer@gmail.com (or just say hi if you'd like!). Chapter 7 is coming soon!