Old Valley Road Hotel

---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Old Valley Road Hotel.

By Wombat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Any constructive comments are appreciated. I'm at 'bungala_wombat@yahoo.com.au'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Nifty Readers, If you enjoy this story or others on Nifty, please send a generous donation to Nifty.org at 'http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html' to help support and maintain this free service full of wonderful stories so it may continue to remain available to everyone.

Thank you all, Wombat ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7 - 'A Rainy Day' Part 19.

------------------------------------ Part 79: The Bird of Passage ------------------------------------

Ellis carried his luggage to the train, a couple of diesel railcars, and found a seat. The train departed from Aberdeen.

At Forres Theodora was waiting for him as promised. He hugged her on the platform. He was delighted to see her again after about thirteen years. She commented on how much stronger and more muscular he had become. She had matured into a woman, a real woman in her late thirties about the same age as Ellis.

On the way to Findhorn Ellis expressed his surprise that she was married.

She laughed and said that life moves on, people grow up and mature. She scolded him playfully that he should not be surprised at her getting married. After all she was not long off forty and her son and daughters were all going to school now.

At the Findhorn Community, Ellis was introduced to Ian Ferguson, Theodora's husband. He was a tall thin Scot with a bushy black beard, black-rimmed spectacles, longish wavy black hair and very fair skin.

He shook Ellis warmly by the hand and said that he was glad to know that Ellis was gay. He felt completely safe with an old boyfriend of his wife coming to visit, especially one as good-looking and well- built as Ellis. Theodora protested that Ellis never was her boyfriend. Ian laughed. Ellis liked him immediately.

Ellis turned to Theodora and asked with a grin if her mother approved of Ian.

"Her mother had no choice in the matter," said Ian with a laugh.

"And yes, she does approve of Ian," put in Theodora.

Theodora, Ian and their three children Andrew aged ten, Sylvia aged eight and Harmony aged six lived in a big house shared with three other families with children who all went to the Findhorn Community School.

Theodora found a small guest cabin for Ellis to stay in. It was sparse but comfortable. She invited Ellis to share their meals along with the other families in the house and he gratefully accepted.

Dinner that evening was tasty and nutritious but noisy with all the children of the house around the table. They were fascinated by Ellis and his big muscles and many argued about which superhero he resembled most until the adults called a halt to the argument. One of the boys raised a laugh when he said that Ellis looked like a super-Beatle. People laughed even harder when one of the men said that he could not see how the boy saw a resemblance between Ellis and a beetle which was an insect.

Many times Ellis had to flex his big bulging biceps for the children and they were keen to have a feel of his mighty rock-hard arms. They would jump out of their seats from all around the table to have a feel of Ellis's big muscular arms. The adults were frequently asking the children to sit down and let Ellis get on with his meal.

After dinner Theodora said to Ellis that she should let him know how the community functioned and that no doubt he had things to discuss.

She and Ian took Ellis into one of the studies. The couple sat down in armchairs while Ellis sprawled out on the couch. Theodora explained briefly how the community functioned. Ian said if Ellis were to participate in the activities, his assistance would be gratefully accepted. Ellis said he would volunteer to work in the garden. He told them that he and BJ had got a garden going at the house in Earl's Court and it had become very productive.

"Excellent," said Ian. "It would be marvellous having a big strong man like you doing the really heavy work in the garden."

"I'm sorry the kids wouldn't leave you alone during dinner this evening," said Theodora. "It's a wonder you managed to eat anything."

Ellis laughed. "That's quite alright, Dora. It really was not a problem. I managed to get a decent feed despite everything. I don't mind being the centre of all the attention."

"Thank you," said Theodora. "I'm glad you're so relaxed about it."

"I s'pose the kids got so excited because they've never seen a man with such big muscles as you've got, certainly not in the flesh," said Ian. "You're a real novelty for them, Ellis, and I think most of the adults as well." He laughed.

"No doubt the novelty will wear off in time," said Theodora. "Now, Ellis, I'm sure you'd like to hear what happened in the community on Mull after you and BJ left all those years ago."

"Yes, please," replied Ellis.

Theodora told Ellis that she had come to the conclusion that the 'guru' who had driven Ellis and BJ away from the spiritual community of Kirkmadrine on the Isle of Mull was a fraud and a charlatan. He behaved very similarly to the false guru in India. He had his favourite sycophants and bootlickers hanging on his every word. Theodora was definitely not one of them. The feeling, the 'vibe' in the community was taking a turn for the worse as the guru imposed restrictions on the other community members in the name of holiness and order. At a community meeting, she denounced him as a fraud and a charlatan who had no connection with real spirituality. She told the meeting that the guru was acting like a Roman Catholic priest in a peasant village and all the community members were being treated like peasants. The guru, meanwhile, lived like a lord, doing nothing to help in the community allegedly so that he could have more time to pray and meditate.

The guru took great offence at Theodora's remarks particularly at her accusation of him being like a Roman Catholic priest. He declared angrily that he had been brought up as a Baptist in the United States of America in a good and holy family and he was called by God to lead people into the heavenly light and grace. He never had anything to do with Roman Catholicism which he declared was evil and satanic. He made all sorts of insulting remarks about Theodora saying that she was spiritually primitive and not worthy to receive God's grace.

Theodora left the next day and hitchhiked to her parents' home in Aberdeen.

She had heard about the spiritual community at Findhorn right up in the north of Scotland on the southern shore of Moray Firth. After about a month at home she travelled there to check it out. She liked it so much that she stayed there, eventually getting married and having children.

Many followed Theodora from Kirkmadrine to Findhorn. Others went elsewhere. In a matter of months the numbers left in Kirkmadrine had dwindled to just the guru and the two unmarried middle-aged sisters who had founded the community. The sisters were most distressed at his destruction of the community that they had founded and demanded that the guru leave. He did, departing for an unknown destination. The sisters sold the farm where the community had been and retired to Torquay on the south coast of England.

"I reckon the guru who took over the community on Mull was more destructive than that false guru in India that you had so much difficulty with and Arjuna, Sashi's brother, got so angry about. In fact I reckon that guru fellow at Kirkmadrine set himself up as a guru so that he could go around deliberately destroying communities of alternative spiritualties because of his Baptist beliefs," said Ellis after Theodora had finished.

"My God, Ellis, you're a cynic!" laughed Ian.

"And, darling, Ellis is quite probably right. It's the about only rational explanation I've heard so far for what happened on Mull," said Theodora.

"I wonder why that fellow didn't come to Findhorn as well," Ian remarked.

"He wouldn't have stood a chance against Peter and Eileen Caddy and the other senior members of this community," replied Theodora. "They would've exposed him as the fraud he was."

"Did that er, 'guru', know you were coming here, Dora?" asked Ellis.

"Probably," replied Theodora.

Ian laughed. "Assuming he did know, Dora, he probably knew you would poison everyone here against him."

"I certainly would have warned everyone here about him. That man was so evil. And in any case, Findhorn is a much bigger community than Kirkmadrine. People would've soon woken up to him. Kirkmadrine was a much smaller community and so much more vulnerable than Findhorn. There really is a strong spirituality here. And, Ellis, I hope that you'll discover that while you're here."

She went on. "It's been more than thirteen years since I saw you in the flesh last, Ellis and this is the first time that Ian's met you. I know you brought me up to date with all your doings in London with the letters you wrote to me but I'd love to know how you found out about BJ's sexual adventures. When you rang me in tears, it must have been very soon after the breakup happened. You were so upset I felt I couldn't quiz you further. But I'd love to know how it all happened."

Ellis heaved a deep sigh. He described how Juliana had taken him aside and told him that BJ had been getting himself fucked in the gym when Ellis was not there. Ellis found it extremely difficult to believe her. He just could not bring himself to believe that BJ would betray him by being so disloyal and by doing such a stupid and dangerous thing. He explained to Theodora and Ian how Juliana was one of his transvestite friends. The other was Elizabeth. Juliana offered to take Ellis to meet her source in a cafe over a cup of coffee.

The next day Juliana took Ellis to a nice old-fashioned but busy English coffee house with lead-lighted bow windows just around the corner to meet Jake, one of the guys who had been fucking BJ in the gym. Jake was a good-looking dark-haired young man about the same height as Ellis but lighter with a lean muscular, athletic build. He loathed Elizabeth because she kept calling Jake names like 'straight boy' and 'buck bunny'. Ellis found that bitterly ironic in the light of what Jake was telling him.

Ellis managed to keep his cool while talking with Jake who described how BJ would bend over a weight bench naked and the other men would line up and fuck him up the arse. Often more than a dozen men would fuck BJ and not infrequently there would be anything up to twenty men doing the deed. The rougher the fuck was up BJ's arse, the better he liked it. Often BJ would have blood leaking from his arsehole after he had been fucked by all the men. Jake said that it had been going on two or three times a week for about six months.

Ellis casually asked Jake how big his cock was when erect. Jake replied it was six inches (15 cm.) long. He also told Ellis that some of the other men fucking BJ had smaller cocks than he did. Ellis asked if any of the men wore condoms when he was fucking BJ. Jake replied that none of them did. Ellis took a deep breath and exhaled gustily as he fought to maintain his cool. Jake looked apprehensively at the big muscleman. Ellis was wearing his Wranglers and a sleeveless tight white T-shirt that showed off his big powerfully muscled arms and shoulders. Jake was very much aware of Ellis's formidable reputation as a fighter.

When Ellis had regained his equilibrium, he explained that he did not blame Jake for fucking BJ and he thanked Jake for confirming what Juliana had told him because he had great difficulty believing Juliana. He then calmly pointed out to Jake that all the men fucking BJ were at risk of catching AIDS. It was high risk behaviour. All it took was one man to be carrying the AIDS virus for them all to catch it. All the other men following the AIDS carrier would have caught the virus from the infected semen already ejaculated into BJ's arsehole. If any had not already been infected, they would have been infected by the infected semen already in BJ's arsehole. It was almost inevitable that BJ was infected with the AIDS virus and he would have passed the virus on to the men fucking him if they did not already have it.

Ellis's voice wobbled a bit with emotion when he said that BJ is likely to die of AIDS and BJ was the love of Ellis's life, his sun, moon and stars. He could not understand how BJ could be so utterly stupid and foolish as to risk his life and that of Ellis, his lover and the man BJ fucks. BJ was very likely to have AIDS already and was likely to die of it. Ellis was likely to die of AIDS as well because of BJ's foolishness.

When Juliana put a comforting arm around Ellis's shoulders, hugged him and said "You poor man, this is terrible", his composure fell apart. He broke away from Juliana's hug, stood in one of the coffee house's bow windows and screamed in his agony of frustration, anger and despair. Tears ran down his face. The normally noisy coffee house went deathly silent as everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at the screaming man in the window. The big muscles of his arms stood out as they all tensed up. Juliana went to him and tried to comfort him but Ellis was beyond comforting. Jake remained sitting at the table looking acutely uncomfortable and not knowing what to do.

The screaming stopped. Ellis regained his composure. He returned to their table, shook Jake by the hand and thanked him for telling Ellis the truth about BJ. Worried, Juliana asked Ellis what he was going to do next. Ellis said that he was going to have it out with BJ. Their relationship was now dead and had to end. Juliana sighed heavily. Ellis bent down and hugged her. Then he walked out of the coffee house back to the house in Bramham Gardens, had the confrontation with BJ and terminated their relationship.

When Ellis finished telling the story to Theodora and Ian, he sat silently on the couch staring hollow-eyed into space.

"That is so sad," commented Theodora.

"Yeah, it is," said Ellis quietly. "The thing is, he was the love of my life. BJ was the star of my eyes and sun of my soul. I have never loved anyone else so much in my life. He was everything to me. He was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I loved him so much."

His voice wobbled as he said, "And now it's all over. He betrayed me utterly and I'm likely to die of AIDS because of it. I had to end it."

His face crumpled. Tears ran down his face as he started crying.

Theodora leaped out her chair, hurried over to the couch, sat down next to Ellis and hugged him.

Ian came over and hugged Ellis too. After some minutes Ellis stopped crying. With an effort he pulled himself together. He thanked them both and said that it had been a long day and he had travelled north all the way from London. He took his leave and headed for his cabin. It was a mild night and he felt restless. He kept on walking northwards along a path towards the Pole Star through sand dunes until he was on a sandy beach facing the dark North Sea. It was a bright starlit night. He had not seen so many stars since leaving Mull, certainly very many more than in London. But then in London he hardly ever looked at the night sky.

The cool north wind off the sea cleared his head. He stood near the water's edge watching and listening to the waves coming in.

He started to feel the chill. He was only wearing the red tank top and jeans he had left London in. He turned and walked smartly back to his cabin. He had a nice hot shower and fell into bed. He was quickly asleep.

The following day he volunteered to work in the gardens. Because the weather was quite warm during the day, Ellis became well-known in the community for working really hard in the garden while wearing just a brief pair of jeans shorts or workman's shorts and nothing else. He would work barefoot in the rich, well-composted soil and often had streaks of dirt all over himself. He made short work of digging big holes for mature plants and young trees because he was so strong. He became known as the human earthmover. That reputation was enhanced when the community blacksmith made him a big shovel capable of moving about a hundredweight (112 lb, 50 Kg) of dirt at a time.

Ellis enjoyed working in the gardens. It was like working in the vegetable garden that BJ and he had created in Bramham Gardens. He loved planting out the seedlings raised in the greenhouses and that were ready to be put out in the garden in the warmer weather after being raised in the greenhouses. He loved watching them grow and produce vegetables and fruit.

There was a magic about Findhorn that was manifest in the productivity of the plants and the size and the delicious taste of the produce. People talked about the nature spirits, the god Pan who ruled over nature and wild places and the angels who blessed and protected the community. Ellis was sceptical at first but then realised that there must be something in it. The outstanding quality and quantity of the produce could not be explained otherwise.

Ellis had been at Findhorn for a week when Theodora suggested to him that he move into the house with them. There was a spare room and Ellis's move would free the guest cabin for other visitors. Ellis was happy to move.

He asked around the community enquiring about a gym he could work out in. Someone suggested he try the Kinloss Royal Air Force base. He did and somewhat to his surprise he was granted permission to use it. The RAF officers and men admired Ellis's magnificent physique and soon he was tutoring them in exercise routines to build up their muscles.

Ellis maintained his fitness, strength and muscular size by working out frequently in the RAF gym, working hard in the garden and keeping to a healthy diet. Not only that but he would frequently go on long runs through the countryside around the district. He became quite adept at hurdling fences.

He learnt how the Findhorn community was started. It had grown from one caravan in the Findhorn Caravan Park that housed the Caddy family and their friend and spiritual associate Dorothy Maclean to a cluster of caravans around the Caddys' caravan. Peter's vegetable garden became famous because of its productivity and the size of its plants. What was more was the garden was growing in the barren sandy ground of the North Sea coast.

The cluster of caravans grew. Permanent buildings were erected. The Universal Hall was built. The collection of caravans and buildings became a thriving community under the spiritual guidance of Eileen Caddy and the leadership of Peter Caddy.

There was another Australian living in Findhorn to whom Ellis was soon introduced. He was Luke Errington, a Vietnam veteran and a quiet man a few years younger than Ellis. He had curly blond hair, blue eyes and was as thin as a rail. He walked with a pronounced limp. Ellis asked him if the limp was the result of a war wound but Luke brushed aside all questions. Ellis found out from Theodora later that the limp was indeed from wounds Luke had received during the Vietnam War.

Luke took to working in the garden with Ellis. He liked Ellis. Heavy jobs were beyond him. He just was not strong enough, so Ellis would buck in and do the jobs for him. Luke was open in his admiration of Ellis's powerful muscular physique and great strength and he liked being with Ellis. That, however, was as far as it went. Sex was never mentioned although Luke, like everyone else in the community, knew that Ellis was gay. They soon became friends.

One day after a change in the weather with a cold north-easterly wind bringing in cold sleety rain, Ellis was out in the garden shirtless and wearing just a brief pair of shorts as he usually did. He was digging up the ground and hammering stakes into the ground in preparation for planting out the young tomato plants when the weather became more clement.

Ian appeared wearing a thick duffle coat over several jumpers and thick tracksuit bottoms. He looked as though he had put on several stones in weight. He had the hood of the duffle coat up over his head.

He wanted to know what Ellis was doing working outside stripped to almost nothing in this ghastly weather. He was worried that Ellis would freeze to death or at least catch his death of cold. Ellis would be a loss to the community. Ellis leant on his shovel and replied that he had never had a cold or flu in his life. He just did not catch diseases like that. He refused to come inside when Ian begged him to. After a few minutes pleading Ian gave up. He shook his head and went back into the house.

The other community members admired Ellis for his robust hardiness, big muscles and considerable strength. Ellis made no secret of being gay.

One man took a particular fancy to Ellis. He was a slim, fit young man in his early twenties named Morgan. It appeared to Ellis that Morgan followed him around a lot but he did not mind. Every now and again Morgan had a feel of Ellis's arms. When he felt Ellis's big bulging biceps, he got an erection outlined in his shorts or jeans.

One day Morgan said to Ellis that he wanted a big daddy to love him and fuck him. Ellis refused the offer. He explained to Morgan that he did not want to have sex with anyone. He did not say why. He saw no need to say anything about his former boyfriend's infidelity that exposed Ellis to a high risk of catching the AIDS virus. Because of the likelihood that he was carrying the AIDS virus, he could not afford to have sex with other people. Theodora and Ian were the only people at Findhorn who knew.

Morgan was bitterly disappointed by Ellis's refusal to have sex with him. However, he still seemed obsessed with Ellis and kept following him around. Ellis was not particularly concerned but other community members commented on Morgan's unrequited love for Ellis.

Luke joked with Ellis about Morgan following Ellis around like a puppy but he had the grace to stop when Ellis told him sharply that he wanted to hear no more about Morgan from Luke or anyone else.

A couple of weeks later Luke and Ellis were working in the garden. Ellis was working hard digging a big hole in which to plant a young tree. He was using the hundredweight shovel. Luke was standing watching him while holding the tree vertical. As usual Ellis was wearing nothing but a brief pair of shorts streaked with dirt. There was dirt mixed with sweat all over his muscular body.

"I reckon you like showing off all your mighty muscles," observed Luke.

"Nah, not really!" declared Ellis. "I just don't want to dirty a whole lot of clothes which I'm going to have to wash. Much easier like this."

"Aren't you cold?" asked Luke.

Luke was wearing a thick old brown fleecy-lined suede jacket over a red and black check flannelette shirt with faded jeans and an old pair of hiking boots.

"Nah, I don't feel the cold, 'specially when I'm working like this."

"Yeah, I guess with all those huge muscles of yours you'd generate a lot of heat."

"Guess so."

"You know, I reckon your muscles are bigger than when you first came here."

"Oh, yeah."

"Yeah. I'm sure they are."

"Must be the climate. And all the good food. And all the work I do here."

"By the way there's someone watching you and your mighty muscles through a pair of binoculars. I reckon your not-so-secret admirer is getting off on you."

"What?"

"Yeah, he's hiding behind the potting shed."

Ellis stopped briefly and saw Morgan watching him through a big pair of binoculars.

"Well, fuck me stupid!" exclaimed Ellis.

"No thanks," replied Luke with a laugh. "What are you going to do, mate?"

"Nothing. Just ignore him. If he comes in his daks, it's not my worry."

"Like your attitude, mate." Luke was grinning ear to ear. "Some guy's perving on you and you totally ignore him."

"Well? What else should I do?"

"I guess you're big and strong enough not to let that sort of thing worry you."

"Yeah."

"You are pretty pervable to guys like him with all those huge muscles of yours. I reckon Morgan's gonna come in his daks over you any time now," laughed Luke.

A big shovelful of dirt landed at Luke's feet.

"OK, mate, hint taken," said Luke with a grin.

The children loved Ellis. They demanded shoulder rides from Ellis who found that he could carry four children at once on his shoulders and outstretched arms. People were amazed at his strength.

The children in the house were particularly fond of him. It became an institution that he would read bedtime stories to the children. They would all cluster around him and on him on one of the beds while Ellis read them the story for the night. They loved the body contact with the big strong man.

Ellis's presence was demanded at the community school and creche. He would take the children for rambles around the countryside. The older children would educate him on the local plants, insects and animals. Every now and then one of the children would catch a lizard or some insect and proudly show it to him. Ellis's interest was genuine.

He would take the younger children for walks through the nearby trees and sandhills as they were too little to walk any great distance. They delighted in showing Ellis the things that they found.

One day soon after his thirty-ninth birthday in early August he received a birthday card from the housemates at Earls Court along with some mail from Australia. The birthday card was signed by all the housemates. BJ's comment and signature was heart-rending. It was in pink ink and was a heart and a crying face with the words 'Love you very much. Missing you like hell. Love from BJ'. That was almost enough to make Ellis rip up the card in fury.

The letters from Australia were the regular reports from the accountant, financial consultant and lawyer looking after his financial affairs, the real estate agent looking after his rental properties and the yearly statement from his bank.

The real estate agent informed Ellis that the big house that his great-aunt used to live in has had its lease extended for another five years to a family of three from the United States. The man was a senior executive with a large trans-national corporation with a branch office in Sydney. His wife did not work and neither did his adult daughter. They had fallen in love with the old Morris Oxford and drove it regularly with great care out into the country on weekends. They made comments like "cars simply don't have that sort of character anymore these days."

His financial state was very healthy. He had over 5,000,000 Australian dollars, the equivalent of nearly 3,000,000 pounds sterling that had accumulated from his investments over the years in his international bank account and was earning a good rate of interest. His income greatly exceeded his expenditure even when he was in London and Bombay.

Ellis's days were full. He enjoyed his time at Findhorn. He was never bored. However, as the months passed and the days became shorter, he thought more and more about returning home to Sydney. Seventeen years had passed since he had left Australia and he was feeling the pull of home. The time away had passed quickly, particularly the merry whirlwind party-going high-living years participating in the gay scene of London.

The days were getting darker as the sun rose lower in the southern sky. The weather was becoming colder. Autumn had arrived with the promise of a cold winter to follow. Ellis wanted to go home.

He told Theodora who promptly took him around to see Hilda, a seer and a highly spiritual mystic who could divine auras, commune with the Lord God and communicate with angels, devas, fairies and other spirits.

Hilda lived in a small cabin near the Universal Hall. The cabin was covered with creepers that overhung the small verandah. Theodora took Ellis into a small cosy study with the wooden walls covered in colourful hangings and pictures. She introduced Ellis to Hilda. Ellis knew Hilda a little having seen her around the community.

Hilda was a lady in her late sixties with interesting lines on her face and long grey hair pulled back into a ponytail by a dark brown plaited leather hair tie. She wore a loose light grey smock over baggy green slacks.

Theodora told Hilda that Ellis was seriously thinking of going back home to Australia soon and asked if Hilda had anything to say to him before he departed.

Hilda looked at Ellis and asked him if he would prefer to be alone with her. Before Ellis could answer that he would be happy to have Theodora sit in with them, Theodora said she had much to do and should leave. She left the room and Ellis heard the front door of the cabin shut behind her.

Hilda regarded Ellis appraisingly with her clear blue eyes. He felt somewhat uncomfortable and underdressed under her scrutiny as he was barefoot and wearing a sleeveless blue T-shirt and brief tight white shorts.

Hilda sat down and invited Ellis to sit in one of the other two small but comfortable armchairs. She spoke with a clear well-modulated English Home Counties accent.

"I see that you're a man of great physical and mental strength, Ellis," she said. "You are a very strong-willed, determined and courageous man who has no hesitation in facing physical challenges and who is aided very much by his impressive physical strength. People in the past have feared to cross you. However, that is not happening here in Findhorn. You have put your strength and power to good use and to the benefit of this community. You are very well-liked here and have become very popular. The children like you very much indeed because you are rather unusual in that you always show an unfeigned interest in their activities. They very much appreciate the positive regard from an adult such as yourself."

"Thank you," replied Ellis uncertain of where this was leading.

"You will be very much missed if you do decide to depart from here. You are very well thought of here."

"Oh?"

"You are a man of very strong passions that you at times find difficult to control and you are capable of great love, beautiful love that your partners have delighted in. Unfortunately you have been badly wounded in love more than once. You feel as though you have been very badly let down."

"How... How do you know all this? Has Theodora...?"

"Theodora has said nothing of this to me," stated Hilda calmly. "She has definitely not breached your confidence. I know all this from viewing your auras and your timelines past and future."

"What..."

"The past, Ellis, has gone and cannot ever be changed. It is immutable. The future, on the other hand, has not yet come. I see several, many possible futures, some of which are probable, many which are not. Which future comes to pass is decided at least in part by the decisions and actions you take, very much so in your case. Chance does play a part, more with some people, less with others. There are some who drift through life aimlessly who in effect leave their lives to chance. You, Ellis, are definitely not one of those people."

"Thanks," said Ellis with a wry smile.

"That is not a compliment. It is an observation."

Ellis sat silently in his chair. He felt uncomfortable in the presence of this lady.

Hilda continued. "If you stay here in Findhorn, I see little change except that you will grow into greatness. You will continue to be well-regarded and hopefully you will take full advantage of the opportunities for spiritual advancement and growth. I can see you doing very well if you stay here. I can see from your quite interesting auras that you are a man of considerable physical and mental strength."

Ellis smiled.

Hilda gave a half-smile and went on. "Yes, anyone who's the least bit observant can tell that you are physically a very strong man. But not only that, Ellis, you are constitutionally very strong as well. You have the proverbial constitution of an ox and you are in excellent health. I can see no evidence in your auras of any disease process. You definitely don't have any disease. You are mentally strong as well as I mentioned before. However, I do not see much spiritual strength present in your auras."

"Oh?"

"If you stay here, Ellis, you will have plenty of opportunity to grow spiritually so that your spiritual strength will match your physical and mental strength. Not only that, but you will have supportive friends who will accompany you, help you and guide you on your spiritual journey. You are capable of very much indeed, Ellis, and it is well within your capability to achieve greatness. You could very well become a very great man indeed, a man of spiritual greatness.

On the other hand, if you return to Australia, you will be alone. You will face serious challenges. It will be a great struggle for you to achieve spiritual growth. There will be dark days ahead of you and the black hole of despair lurks in wait for you. Maybe you do need to go through a great spiritual struggle. Quite possibly you do need to go through the dark night of the soul and undergo severe spiritual testing. The founders of this community, Eileen and Peter Caddy, they underwent severe spiritual testing and they passed that testing. They have been towers of strength with their divine guidance and wise leadership. It is a great pity they are not here at the moment for you to meet them. However in Australia you will be alone. You will face the testing alone. I see that it is likely that you will falter and lose your way. Were that to happen, after an extended period of time, the Black God will come into your life and guide you..."

"That's bullshit! That's complete and utter bullshit," Ellis exploded, pounding his fist on the arm of his chair. "That black god in that Indian temple is nothing but some bloody idol worshipped by ignorant pagans! It is nothing more than a lifeless tin god!"

Hilda sat in her chair regarding Ellis impassively waiting for his anger to die down. He sat back in his chair with his eyes flashing.

"Ellis," she said, "the Black God I see lives and is very strong. He has warm, firm flesh that you can touch and feel and also take much comfort in. He is very much alive and with his great strength will lift you up out of the black hole into which you will have fallen. This will happen in Australia, not India. You may trust me on this."

"But... But... I don't understand!" Ellis gripped the arms of his chair tightly and his arm muscles bulged.

Hilda gave a warm smile.

"You will, Ellis. You will," she said kindly. "It may take many years especially if you go on your journey alone but the destination will come unless you lose heart and give up entirely on your quest. However, Ellis, you must never give up. Under no circumstances do you give up completely and commit suicide. That is seen as a failure, sheer cowardice and an utter waste of your potential. I am aware that people see suicide as the easy option. It is not. If you do kill yourself, you will fail the test of life miserably. Suicide should never be an option for you least of all people, not with all your abilities and potential. At the moment, Ellis, you have barely scratched the surface of what lies within you."

She looked at him searchingly then continued: "If you did return to Australia, you will face many temptations and I fear that you will yield to many of them. Because of that, things will go wrong and you are likely to become very depressed as a result. Yes, you will undergo severe spiritual testing in Australia and you will be alone. It is important that you pass those tests and do not fall by the wayside. It is likely that you will contemplate suicide. It would be a real tragedy if you were to follow through with that act and cut short your life, given all the abilities you have latent within you. Ellis, will you promise me that you will never commit suicide?"

"I've never even contemplated suicide," replied Ellis puzzled. "Hell, life has had its ups and downs but it's been good on the whole, too good for me to think about suicide. Yes, I did have idle thoughts about suicide at odd times back when I was a teenager, most teenagers do, but I never came close to going through with it."

"Nevertheless, Ellis, will you promise me that you will not kill yourself?"

Ellis heaved a sigh.

"OK. Yes, Hilda, I promise," he said.

"Good! I trust you to keep that promise you made to me. You have eased the mind of an old lady in her concerns about you venturing off on your own."

Ellis took a deep breath and let out a gusty sigh.

"Should I stay here?" he asked.

"That is your decision entirely, Ellis," replied Hilda.

"Would you like me to stay here?"

"Yes, I would indeed. Very much so. We would all like you to stay, especially the children. You have already proven yourself a valuable member of the community in the few months you've been here. You are a big strong robust man willing to do the heaviest and most demanding tasks. And as you grow spiritually, you too will become a tower of strength able to guide and help others on their way. In many years' time I see you becoming a great man. You will be like a lighthouse on a headland showing others the way to spiritual advancement. That is your future here. Your future in Australia is less certain even though Australia is your home."

"I see. What about Morgan? What would happen to him if I went back home?"

"It is interesting that you show concern about him now. You have given the impression that you are not at all interested in any close relationship with him. Yes, Morgan is infatuated with you to the point of obsession. People have noticed that he follows you around like a lost child. He would greatly benefit from a close warm relationship with you and you would too. You should..."

"How could I?" Ellis interrupted her. "How could I possibly? I cannot afford to because I am very likely to have the AIDS virus and I'm likely to die of AIDS at some time. I cannot afford to run the risk of passing it on to him."

Hilda frowned slightly as she regarded him closely with a steady gaze.

After a couple of minutes she said calmly, "Ellis, I see no evidence whatsoever of you having any disease in your auras. You are definitely not suffering from AIDS and you are definitely not carrying the AIDS virus. You are as strong and healthy as a wild bull. You do not have any disease whatsoever as I mentioned earlier. Certainly you are free to have a sexual relationship with Morgan."

Ellis looked at her with a puzzled frown.

"How can I be sure of that?" he exclaimed. "AIDS is a terrible disease. I've had friends in London die of it and they have died horribly with all these black blotches all over their bodies and all these ghastly infections. It is so horrible. How can I risk giving it to Morgan?"

"You won't. I repeat, Ellis, that you do not have AIDS or any disease. You are definitely not carrying the virus or any other virus or germ. You can trust me on this."

Ellis put his face in his hands. He felt confused.

"Are you saying that I should have sex with Morgan?" he asked.

"Yes, I am. He would benefit very much from a close, warm sexual relationship with a strong man like you."

"Look, I've never fu..., er, I've never been the active partner in a sexual relationship with a man. Or a woman either for that matter."

"You mean, Ellis, that you've never fucked a man," said Hilda with a twinkle in her eyes.

Ellis's eyes opened wide with surprise.

Hilda laughed. "Don't look so shocked. 'Fuck' is a perfectly good word with a long history in the English language and its use is quite acceptable in the right context."

Ellis sighed gustily. He did not know what to think. Hilda kept presenting him with all manner of thoughts and ideas. He had dismissed entirely the possibility of sex with Morgan because of the risk of AIDS.

Hilda went on. "Anyway, with Morgan it should be a learning experience for both of you. Provided you go gently with him, you both should be fine."

Ellis paused. All sorts of thoughts whirled through his head.

After a minute or two, he asked, "Are you saying I should stay here?"

"Yes, I am," replied Hilda. "I would be sad to see you go. In fact pretty well everyone here would be sorry to see you go."

Ellis sighed. "What do I do now?"

"Only you can answer that, Ellis," replied Hilda.

She looked at the old wind-up alarm clock ticking away on her writing bureau.

"Anyway, it's nearly dinner time," she said. "You'll probably want a bit of time to get ready. If you want to continue this conversation at a later date, you are welcome to. I'd better go and get ready for dinner myself."

She stood up and held out her hand with a smile.

"Till next time, Ellis," she said. "But remember this, never ever give up. You're too valuable."

Ellis shook her hand. She clasped his bare upper arm with the other hand.

"Thank you for that," he said. "It's been quite helpful. I have a lot to think about."

"It's been my pleasure," she said.

Ellis took his leave and walked back to the house. Thoughts whirled around in his brain. He found himself clenching his fists. He wanted to return home but he understood Hilda as warning him not to return. He was racked by doubts.

When he returned to the house, he walked into the kitchen where the women were preparing dinner with the help of some of the older children. The kitchen was crowded and noisy. When Ellis appeared, he was met with a chorus of greeting.

He greeted them all in return. He asked when dinner would be ready. People laughed.

"Typical man," remarked one of the women.

One of the older girls told him that he had about twenty minutes before mealtime. He thanked the girl and went upstairs. He had a shower, changed his clothes and came down to the dining room.

He did not say much during the meal. Ian remarked on it and asked how Ellis got on with Hilda.

"Dunno," Ellis replied. "I have to think about it."

Theodora asked if he wanted to talk it over with her after dinner. He agreed.

After dinner she and Ellis went for a walk through the trees and sandhills towards the beach facing the North Sea. It was a cool breezy evening and Theodora was well rugged up with her ski pants and thick padded jacket with a hood. Ellis had put on a short-sleeved denim jacket over his T-shirt.

Theodora began with, "I thought I'd better leave you alone with Hilda. That's why I disappeared."

"It would've been good if you'd stayed," replied Ellis. "It would've been good to have your company."

"Sorry. I thought you'd be better off without me, then you could be private. I do have lots of other things to do."

"No, no worries on that score at all. There's nothing about me that you don't already know."

Ellis went on to tell Theodora about his conversation with Hilda.

"Well, are you staying here or are you going home?" she asked when Ellis had finished.

"Don't know," he replied. "I really don't know."

"Well, at least you've got plenty of time to think about it. I would be sad to see you go. And so would Ian. You've been a good friend."

"I'm not that sure I've got all that time. I need to get back to Australia soon to check on my investments, all the stuff I inherited from my great-aunt and I've just got this funny feeling I should get back home. I'm not sure I've got a future here. Hilda certainly wants me to stay. She said that I'm a real asset to the community but I get the feeling it's mainly because I'm a big strong workhorse here, ready to do all the heavy jobs, just like BJ back at Kirkmadrine."

He thrust his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He felt his arm muscles tense up as he remembered again those wonderful days with BJ on Mull.

Theodora put her hand on his shoulder.

"You've changed a lot since those days, Ellis," she said. "For a start, you've stacked on a whole lot of muscle in the thirteen years since I last saw you back then when you and BJ left Kirkmadrine. In fact I think you've put on more muscle since you arrived here. You are certainly more confident and more mature than you were back then and you have developed a magnificent body. In fact I think that if you could be scaled up to BJ's height you would be a lot bigger and musclier than he was then."

"Yeah, well, BJ's grown into a huge muscleman back in London, certainly bigger than me and I loved it. He is more than magnificent. He is fucking enormous. He is spectacular. Everyone stared at him and me."

Ellis's voice caught. He forced back tears. Theodora clasped his shoulder. They walked in silence through the bushes. They could hear the roar of the waves on the beach in the distance.

After a while, Theodora asked, "did Hilda say anything about Morgan?"

"Yeah," replied Ellis. "She said I should fuck him, like literally."

Theodora laughed. "And?"

"And what?"

"And are you going to fuck him?"

Ellis shrugged his shoulders.

"I really don't know. Hilda says that I don't have the AIDS virus at all or any other bug and that, to use the Aussie expression, I'm as fit as a mallee bull. I find that hard to believe because BJ had been having all these fuck parties at the gym for about six months and he'd been fucking me pretty often like at least once a day in that time. It's almost inevitable that he'd have picked up the AIDS virus in the gym and given it to me. Can I trust her? I certainly don't want to give Morgan the AIDS virus. Can I be sure Hilda's right and I'm not carrying the AIDS virus? Because if she's wrong and I start fucking Morgan, he's going to die of it as well as me and BJ. You know there's no cure for it and there isn't even a test to see if you've got it."

"Shit!" said Theodora. "What a situation! I've never known Hilda to get it wrong. But, if she is wrong, then as you say, Morgan would die of AIDS as well as you and BJ, and I know it's a horrible way to die."

"Look," he said, "anyway, I just don't feel like getting involved with Morgan at the moment, certainly not at this stage when I'm going to leave."

"So you've made up your mind to go back to Australia?"

Ellis sighed.

"I guess so," he said. "I think so. I guess I should sleep on it but I reckon I really have to go home."

"Shame about that. I'll miss you terribly. And Ian too. It's been marvellous having you here. We'll all miss you very much, Ellis, the whole community, especially the children."

"Why, because I'm a big strong workhorse with lots of money?"

"Don't be so cynical, Ellis." Theodora's voice wobbled with emotion.

"Sorry," said Ellis. He shrugged his shoulders.

They walked on in silence. Theodora put her arm around his shoulders. They reached the beach and walked along the water's edge in the darkness as the waves rolled in. There was just enough light from the stars to see by. The lights of the Findhorn village shone ahead about a mile away (1.5 km). A cold wind blew off the North Sea.

Theodora eventually spoke.

"Tell me, Ellis," she said. "Do you ever feel you've had a misspent youth?"

Ellis shrugged.

"Dunno about that," he replied. "I've never thought about it in those terms. Yeah, I regret making that stupid remark to Sashi about the Black God in the temple and he broke off our relationship because of it. But, like you told me back in Bombay and Kirkmadrine, it couldn't have lasted. The pressures from his family to be a good Indian boy, settle down, get married and have children would be too great for him to ignore. Our relationship would've had to end sooner or later. And I really hate the way my relationship with BJ broke up but I really had no choice but to break it off after I found out he'd been having these regular sex orgies in the gym. He really betrayed me. I simply cannot trust him ever again and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to die of AIDS because of him."

"Despite what Hilda told you?"

"Well, can I trust her? You know I'm pretty sceptical about things spiritual."

"I guess that's because of your Roman Catholic upbringing," laughed Theodora.

Ellis really liked Theodora's laugh.

He snorted. "Could be," he replied.

"Those were the bad things. What about the rest of your life?"

"Well, looking back on it, I had an absolute wow of a time in London with all the parties, pubs, clubs, shows, bars, night clubs and discos and things. And golly, it was one hell of a lot of fun in the house in Bramham Gardens, what with all the parties and things we used to have and do. The gay scene in London was really popping fantastically, well, until Maggie Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and AIDS came along. Look, I could've cheerfully spent the rest of my life with BJ and we could've grown old together but he went and betrayed me and put me in danger where I'm very probably going to die in a few years and so that was that. The End. Finito."

He sighed gustily.

They walked along the beach towards the village of Findhorn.

A few days later Ellis came to a decision. He walked into Forres and caught the train to Aberdeen. At the railway station he booked a first class seat on 'The Flying Scotsman' back to London. Then he visited a travel agent and booked his flight in first class back home to Sydney with a week's stopover in Singapore staying in the Raffles Hotel. He also booked a stay at the Dorchester Hotel in Mayfair for the two nights between his arrival and departure from London. His departure from Findhorn was eight days away.

He stayed overnight in a hotel in Aberdeen near the railway station. That evening he wrote airmail letters to his parents in Sydney, his accountant and his real estate agent and informed them that he was returning home. The next day he returned by train to Findhorn.

He told Theodora and Ian of his plans to return home to Australia. Then he told Luke.

A few days later he received an airmail letter from his mother saying she was delighted to read that he was coming back home at last. She offered to have him stay with them until he found a place to stay. She knew that Ellis's great-aunt's, her aunt's old house was under a long-term lease to an American family. She also said that his father would pick him up from Sydney Airport and bring him home.

A big farewell party was held for Ellis in the Universal Hall. Most of the community came to wish him bon voyage for his return to Australia and express their appreciation of him, for what he was and what he had done. There were speeches and many, many handshakes and kisses.

There was much to eat and drink.

Hilda came up to him and said, "You're a brave man, Ellis, but then you always have been. You do not shrink from even the most daunting challenges. I can only but wish you well in your endeavours back home in Australia."

"Thank you," replied Ellis.

"I do look forward to seeing you again here at some time in the future. You will have achieved greatness. I think it is highly likely that you would become a towering figure and it is possible that you may return in the company of your friend, the Black God. However, that is likely to be twenty or more years away in the future."

"But you will an old woman by then, maybe more than ninety."

"I shall be here for as long it pleases the Good Lord to have me on this Earth and continue to do His work and that, I feel, will be a good long time. Thank you, Ellis, for the opportunity to come to know you and goodbye for the time being."

He hugged her.

The party continued with music and dancing.

Luke came and shook Ellis's hand warmly.

"Good luck back in Oz, mate," he said. "And I guess it's goodbye. So see you, mate."

Ellis hugged him.

During a break Morgan came up. He put his arms around Ellis's neck and planted a big sloppy kiss on Ellis's lips.

When he had finished, he said, "That's for being the wonderful big muscly he-man you are."

Tears started running down his crumpling face and he ran outside into the darkness leaving Ellis bewildered.

The next day was Ellis's departure. Many came to farewell him as Theodora drove him in her car to Forres railway station. While Ellis and Theodora were waiting on the platform for the train, Ellis gave her a cheque for 10,000 pounds made out to the Findhorn Community and asked her to pass it on to the community. Tears came into her eyes as she thanked him profusely for his generosity.

The two-car set of diesel railcars from Inverness pulled into the station and Ellis climbed aboard with his luggage. Theodora waved him farewell as the train pulled out of the station.

In Aberdeen he had enough time to get all his luggage loaded onto 'The Flying Scotsman' and take his seat.

For the journey he wore a peacock blue short-sleeved shirt with bone- coloured slacks and suede leather boots. He laid his tan leather coat on the empty seat beside him.

He relaxed into his seat as the train pulled out of Aberdeen and began its journey south through Edinburgh to London.

Arriving in London he was picked up by a black Rolls-Royce from Kings Cross Station and taken to The Dorchester Hotel where he was put in a room overlooking Park Lane and Hyde Park.

He went out onto the balcony of his room and looked out over the park. He could see The Serpentine. Some red London buses travelled past. He remembered that in all the years he had spent in London, he had never once travelled on a London bus. He resolved to remedy that by travelling on a bus the following day and fulfil a childhood dream.

He looked at his watch and saw that there was plenty of time before dinner was served although the sun was not far from setting as could be expected at that time of year.

The air was chilly but Ellis knew he did not need to wear much.

He quickly changed into his running gear, a brief pair of white shorts and his running shorts. He did not need a top.

Downstairs he left his room keys with the concierge and set off across Park Lane around Hyde Park. Few people were out in the chill November air. He ran around the park until he came to Hyde Park Corner. He ran across Piccadilly through Green Park and past Buckingham Palace. He sprinted across The Mall through the slow-moving traffic and ran through St James's Park. At the eastern boundary he ran along The Mall through Admiralty Arch to Trafalgar Square. He jogged around the square bidding his farewell and ran along Pall Mall then Haymarket until he reached Piccadilly. At Piccadilly Circus he farewelled the Statue of Eros. The Circus was lit up brightly by all the advertising signs. He sprinted across Regent Street dodging the traffic and along Regent Street. He turned off and ran through Mayfair back to The Dorchester.

He had a long hot shower, a luxury not socially acceptable at Findhorn and got dressed for dinner in a suit as was expected of guests in a hotel like The Dorchester.

In the hotel restaurant he had a table to himself. The meal was excellent as one could expect in a restaurant with three Michelin stars.

Naked, he got into the queen-size double bed that was very comfortable, much more comfortable than the bed he had been sleeping in at Findhorn.

That night he did not sleep well. He kept thinking about the housemates he used to live with in the house in Earls Court. He knew he could not bear to face BJ again. The hurt and anger over BJ's betrayal surfaced. He tossed and turned in the bed that was probably too comfortable even though he made a firm resolve not to return to the house. He would make no contact at all with anyone at the house. He was just going to be a bird-of-passage pausing briefly in London on his way back home to Australia. He was tormented by the poisonous memory of a sad, miserable BJ standing forlornly at the attic window watching Ellis's departure.

Finally he fell asleep.

He woke up early the next morning while it was still dark. The gym opened at 7 am which was still about an hour away. He decided to hit the weights and have a good hard work-out before breakfast.

He got up and padded naked to the en-suite bathroom. When he switched on the lights, the room was well lit. A mirror covered one entire wall. Recessed strip lighting surrounded the mirror. He urinated into the toilet and flushed it. He posed in front of the mirror admiring his splendidly muscled body.

His cock started to stiffen. Ellis realised that months had gone by since his last sexual release. He had been so busy at Findhorn working in the garden and doing the heavy physical work around the community that he was tired out at the end of the day. He had fallen into bed and had gone to sleep almost straight away.

He found some skin lotion in the bathroom cupboard. That would do as a lubricant. He rubbed the lotion into his penis which stiffened rapidly under the stimulation. He slowed down the stroke rate determined to enjoy his masturbation as much as possible. However he soon reached the point where passion overtook him. He could not help himself but he was forced to increase his masturbation stroke rate as sexual passion erupted uncontrollably within him. The reflection of his powerfully muscled body with his huge bulging biceps working hard in rubbing his penis was a huge turn-on as it dragged him inexorably towards his climax.

He erupted into orgasm with such force that his knees buckled. He cried out in the agony of his ecstasy. He was compelled to prop himself by leaning back against the hand basin as he shot large quantities of his semen all over the bathroom floor.

He kept on crying out in the tumult of his orgasm shaking his body. Finally after what seemed to be hours of orgasmic joy the tumultuous climax dwindled to a conclusion.

Groaning with spent passion, he leant back on the hand basin exulting in his release. He needed that. He looked blearily at his reflection in the mirror. Bleary-eyed he may have been but he still looked damned sexy with the big bulging muscles of his powerful body, his thick powerful arms, the thick sexy bulge of his pectorals, the chiselled six-pack of his abdominal muscles, his strong muscular buttocks and his thickly muscled thighs.

When he had recovered, he grabbed the toilet paper and wiped up all his semen he had splashed on the floor.

He got dressed for the gym in just a pair of shorts and running shoes. He took the lift to the gym and after a warmup session on the cross- trainer he hit the weights. He found that the gym was not equipped for heavy duty hard-core users like himself. The RAF gym at Kinloss was much better equipped. The leg press machine for instance had a maximum weight of 440 pounds (200 Kg) which Ellis found an easy comfortable weight but it would suffice.

The other users in the gym stared at the big energetic muscleman working with weights that they could not shift. Ellis got a real buzz out of being watched by an admiring audience. It was reminiscent of the Earls Courts days but those days were irretrievably behind him.

Ellis had just completed his routine of biceps concentration curls with 125-pound dumbbells (57 Kg) when a slim elegant middle-aged man came up and complimented Ellis on his magnificent physique. He introduced himself as Donald Hardcastle.

Donald remarked, "I've never seen a man do biceps curls with such heavy weights here before and I've been coming here for years. You are obviously an extremely strong man."

"Thank you," replied Ellis. "You must live nearby."

"I live here in the hotel, here in the Dorchester."

"That must set you back a bit. It's certainly not cheap staying here."

"That's quite all right, old chap. I have the means and it certainly saves my having to do boring stuff like housework, cleaning, cooking and the washing. I like it here very much and it's so convenient to the middle of London."

"Good on you."

"I say, are you an Australian by any chance?"

"Yes, I am."

"I thought I could detect an Australian accent. Are you known as 'The Wild Colonial Boy' by any chance?"

"I was."

"Are you the chap who administered a thoroughly well-deserved thrashing to a whole lot of young thugs in 'Le Pissoir' when those bastards invaded the place looking for gay men to beat up during the summer last year? You know 'Le Pissoir', the gay nightclub in Soho not far from here?"

"Yes, I know the place. I haven't been there for months though. And yes, I did beat up those thugs."

"I must congratulate you on a most impressive performance in dishing out the treatment those young bastards so richly deserved. Obviously those absolutely splendid big strong muscles of yours are extremely useful in situations like that."

"Yes. Thank you."

"I must say, it was an absolute delight watching you despatch those brutes so efficiently. You're so graceful and deadly in your movements. Those kicks you delivered to the stomachs of some of those brutes were frightfully effective in bringing them down. I must say it was a real delight to see those muscular thugs writhing on the floor in the agony that you'd inflicted on them. I had this lovely warm feeling inside watching those brutes crying out in such terrible pain. You did absolutely splendidly."

"Thank you."

"And when your big boyfriend appeared, he frightened off the rest. I've never seen a man with such big muscles as he. He was absolutely magnificent. He certainly outdid Hercules in the physique department. Is he still your boyfriend?"

"None of your business."

"Oh, alright. Well, I must toddle off. I have things to do before breakfast. Do you breakfast here?"

"Possibly."

"Perhaps I shall see you in the dining room then. Toodle-ooh!"

Ellis gave a non-committal grunt and went on with his next exercise.

When he had finished his routine in the gym, he had a shower in his room and got dressed in his peacock blue short-sleeved shirt, white slacks and tan leather jacket.

In the dining room, Ellis was enjoying a big breakfast of poached eggs on toast with bacon and sausages when Donald Hardcastle appeared.

"May I join you?" asked Hardcastle.

"If you like," replied Ellis.

"You Australians are so laconic," said Hardcastle and promptly sat down at Ellis's table. He pronounced Australian as 'Orstralian'.

They made polite conversation at first. Hardcastle was a little tentative at first but soon relaxed when Ellis proved not to be too much of a threat. He complimented Ellis on his splendid physique and said that Ellis looked like a Greek god.

Then he said quietly, "One of the greatest pleasures of my life is sticking my wee-wee into the firm meaty bottom of a muscular young man. I'd love it if..."

Ellis slammed his cutlery down on the table in anger.

"Mr Hardcastle..." he began.

"Commodore Hardcastle, if you please. I've retired from the Royal Navy and I would app..."

"Whatever." Ellis cut him off and continued in a loud voice. "You most definitely will NOT be sticking your wee-wee up my firm meaty bottom. Is that clear? Now kindly remove yourself from my table."

Ellis heard a woman gasp behind him. A man at a nearby table exploded with laughter and blew his coffee all over himself. The woman sitting with him shrieked with laughter.

"Oh, Miles darling," she laughed, "you're such a prize idiot!"

Snickers and giggles ran around the dining room. People laughed and whispered amongst themselves as they stared at Ellis and the commodore.

A waitress appeared at their table as if by magic. She was a middle- aged woman with a sturdy no-nonsense manner and blond hair worn in a French roll. She addressed Commodore Hardcastle.

"Commodore, would you like me to show you to another table?" she asked.

"Perhaps you should, Bronwyn," said Hardcastle and rose from his seat.

He accompanied her without a backward glance at Ellis.

A loud upper-class bray echoed across the dining room.

"Oh Guppy, do come and join us."

"Yes, my lord," said Hardcastle. "As you wish, my lord."

"Oh, don't be like that. Please do come and sit down with us."

Ellis found the general mirth at the commodore's discomfort oddly satisfactory. He calmed down and started on his breakfast again.

Afterwards he acquired a map of London bus services from the concierge and studied it. He caught a red double-decker bus in front of the hotel, climbed the stairs to the top deck and sat in a seat right at the front of the bus. He felt like a child again riding in the very front of the top deck where he had an uninterrupted view to the front and sides. He remembered riding the green and yellow Leyland double- decker buses in Sydney as a child before they disappeared.

He enjoyed his ride into the City up on the top deck. It was great fun.

He alighted from the bus at the Houses of Parliament. He walked into the House of Commons and witnessed a vigorous debate on the Government's treatment of the veterans of the Falklands War that had occurred two years previously. Mrs Thatcher was making a forceful defence of her government's actions.

After about half an hour Ellis went over to the House of Lords. There were about a dozen lords in the chamber and a measured debate about some undefined matter was in progress. One old lord appeared to be asleep. After about a quarter of an hour a young lord threw a paper aeroplane. It sailed across the chamber and hit its nose against the wall. A few other lords clapped. A parliamentary staff member scurried over, picked up the aeroplane and disappeared from the chamber. Ellis walked out of the chamber.

He caught a bus outside and travelled to St Paul's Cathedral changing buses as necessary.

In St Paul's he wandered around inside marvelling at the artwork of the ceilings. In the north transept he stood contemplating the painting 'The Light of the World'. It stirred troubling thoughts within him including the persistent thought that he should return to the safe haven of the Findhorn Community. Opposing that was the equally persistent thought that he should return to Australia and make his future there.

He felt caught on the horns of a dilemma. If he were to cancel all his bookings at this late stage and return to Findhorn, it would cost him quite a lot of money but that was really of no importance in the final analysis. His future was what was important but what it held for him was unclear. To go home or go back, that was the question.

He thought a lot about what Hilda had told him, that he was a brave man facing an uncertain future. She had warned him that he faced an uncertain future back home in Australia, that dark days lay ahead of him and that the black hole of despair awaited him. But was she trying to frighten him into staying in the Findhorn Community? Something told him that was not true however. She was too principled and honest to stoop to such tricks. Instead she was warning him of what lay ahead. He had a vision of himself as a powerful locomotive speeding along hauling a fast express train and then being warned of a log across the railway line ahead. Should he heed Hilda's warning?

He thrust his hands deep into his pockets trying to resolve the swirling fog of thoughts and images. He was not sure whether or not he believed in God anymore. He had been brought up in the Catholic faith and the faith was drilled into him ever since he could remember. He had been brought up in a Catholic home, had gone to Sacred Heart Parish Church virtually every Sunday since he was a baby. He had gone first to Saint Theresa's School and then to Saint Innocent XIX College. Now after all the time he had been away from home first in India, then in Scotland, then in London and finally at Findhorn back in Scotland, his faith had quite withered away, especially after the frenetic party life in London. His stay in Findhorn surrounded him with a spirituality that was much stronger than at Kirkmadrine but at Findhorn he did not have the distraction of BJ. The ambience of spirituality at Findhorn did not have much of an effect on him. He thought about it and decided that the reason was that he was still getting over the breakup with BJ.

The thought of BJ increased his anxiety. He was determined never to see BJ again. He was going home without ever setting eyes on BJ again. He had said his goodbye, such as it was, and that was it. Anger swirled into the fog of thoughts and images. His stomach rumbled. He decided it was hunger.

Outside Ellis walked into Saint Paul's Churchyard north of the cathedral. He saw a restaurant just outside the churchyard. He went over and had lunch there.

After lunch he caught a bus from Saint Paul's to the Tower of London. To see the Tower was something he had been meaning to do ever since he left Sydney but had never got around to. He joined a tour guided by a beefeater. He saw the suits of armour, the models of armoured knights astride their fiery chargers, the collection of ancient weaponry, the cannons, the Chapel Royal of St. Peter ad Vincula in which were the graves of the three Queens Anne Boleyn, Catherine Howard and Jane Grey executed by King Henry VIII, the cells where famous people were held including the two little princes supposedly done away with on the orders of King Richard III, the executioner's axe and block and finally the glory of the British Crown Jewels.

That took him to the evening. He caught a series of crowded peak-hour buses back to the hotel. There was plenty of time before dinner so he changed into a pair of shorts and went for a run around Hyde Park. After a long hot shower, he got dressed and went down to the dining room for dinner. He did not see Hardcastle but other diners were looking at him and whispering among themselves. Ellis shrugged off the feelings of paranoia and tucked into his meal.

There was little that he felt like doing. He blobbed out in front of the television for a while then went early to bed.

That night he slept soundly and woke up later than he expected. He went to the gym and had a thorough workout. He was somewhat relieved not to see Hardcastle in the gym. He disliked the man. After working up a good sweat going through his exercise routine, he had another shower, got dressed and went down to the dining room for breakfast.

Near the entrance he saw Hardcastle sitting with a group of men who were obviously friends. One of the group had the same upper class bray Ellis had heard the previous morning. Ellis assumed that the man was his lordship. Some of the men looked at Ellis. They made comments to Hardcastle who studiously ignored Ellis. Unperturbed, Ellis was escorted to a table near a window by a waitress. He sat with his broad back to the group of men including Hardcastle and the lord. He looked out of the window.

After a hearty breakfast, he caught a series of buses to the British Museum. He spent the day there wandering around looking at all the exhibits. He was particularly taken with the ancient Greek and Roman marble statues of the gods, goddesses and heroes. He spent some time admiring them. He also took in the ancient Greek pottery. The ancient Greek culture seemed to stir something within him.

He stayed until closing time and caught the Tube back to Hyde Park Corner. From there he walked back to the Dorchester. He got changed and went for a run before dinner, had a shower, finished packing and went down for dinner.

Afterwards he checked out and was conveyed to Heathrow Airport in a Rolls-Royce limousine. He had booked a first-class seat with Singapore Airlines through to Sydney with a one-week stopover in Singapore. He checked in his luggage, obtained his boarding pass and then settled into the first-class lounge to while away the time until he boarded the aircraft, a Boeing 747.

-------------------------------------- Continued in Part 80. --------------------------------------