One thing I might do - Chapter 3 - gay authoritarian sex tale, by Simon Harper -- sharper@inorbit.com
The first time I went to the gym it was pretty weird because the marks on my body were pretty plain to see and I think it might have freaked some of them out; but I felt good about things. I realised people were staring at me, some of them. I felt proud of myself and I knew some of them were turned on by the way they watched and at one point this guy offered to help - because I didn't know how to use some of the equipment. He asked me why I was working out and I said it was because I wanted to look good. I wanted to look more attractive. He said he thought my arms would look great once they were worked up a little because he could see some of the muscles there already just needed some pumping up.
He was about right I guess because after a while my current boyfriend just asked me if I was working out. When I said yes he just went mad and started beating me up.
"You just lie to me all the time," he shouted, and I was crying and saying I'm sorry and trying to avoid it when he hit me until at last he kicked me into the black room and locked the door, and left me.
I'm so proud of those bruises and my sore body where he kicked me; I wanked and wanked and wanked in the dark and ate my cum to be tidy, and listened should he come back for more of it.
When the door opened he came in and pulled himself off onto my face. I wiped it into my mouth.
"Thank you, Sir."
He went out without saying a word. Once I knew he was in bed I stole through the dark house and lay down quietly at the bedside.
All that week I didn't dare go to the gym. He punished me harder for days and I was constantly upset. Back at work the girls stopped being scared of me.
They looked at me like a loony that day I came in with my hair all cut off. I think they just didn't know what to make of me because I'd gone from being this longhaired, easy-going type to a silent brooding skinhead loser in the space of a weekend.
My friend Lucy came up to me almost in tears, and because I was so emotionally upset and exhausted after that primary session with my current boyfriend, I just couldn't talk - which she didn't know what to make of it.
She stopped talking to me and because everyone knew she was my friend, they kind of took their cue from her and everybody stopped talking to me. I felt like they didn't understand and fuck it, because I didn't need them. It was him I needed and the stuff he did. He was fantastic and I thought about him all day long and kept going to the toilet to ejaculate and eat it.
I loved the feel of my body - the pain form the way he dealt with me - and I couldn't go down. I kept jerking myself off until I just couldn't cum anymore and visualised him doing things to me every waking minute.
No wonder the girls couldn't make any sense of it. I was in my own world and I didn't care about anyone else at all. Being right for my current boyfriend was everything to me so that's why I thought of going to the gym because I thought that would make me more attractive to him; but his reaction was so extreme I couldn't believe it. I couldn't get my head round it. So much so that, I guess, Lucy thought she had to say something to me - I'd become so strange - as friend, despite everything.
But she didn't quite dare just coming up to me - we had grown apart that much in just a few weeks. It was when Brian was talking to me about something and - he's gay - she just sort of broke into our professional conversation and said, "What do you think of this, Brian?"
She was pointing at my hair. I kept it short by shaving every few days.
Brian reached out and touched my head. I could feel this electricity in his fingers and I felt like he wanted me - but he was too soft.
"I think it looks good," he said.
He looked at me and when I raised my eyes, reluctantly, wondering for how long he'd stroke my head, he was looking straight at me, and he looked into me, and his hands stopped moving.
Then Lucy joined in.
"Look fuck off will ya," I said, twisting free of both of them.
"What's wrong with you?" said Lucy. "Why are you like this? You used to be fun. What's happened?"
Brian was looking at me as if he was thinking about it but only half understood.
"He doesn't get it," I thought. "He's vanilla."
"None of your fucking business," I said, close to crying again and I went off for a break in the canteen. While I was sitting there with a Coke and watching TV Brian walked past but he didn't say anything.
They have a gym at work and I went there just to look. I didn't dare do anything - I was that scared he'd notice, my current boyfriend.
I couldn't have any secrets.
When he eventually came round to the idea - if that's what it was - he just said he wanted me to ask him first and I should have waited for him to give him permission before I tried changing the shape of my body. He said I couldn't have any secrets. Then he took me along and told me to get on with it. He came with me into the changing rooms and then into the gym itself where he stood and watched. I think he was looking at my broken skin and thinking "I did that to him."
I was at work and Lucy asked if I was going down the pub because it was someone's birthday. I don't much talk to those people anymore since I became this new person but my current boyfriend was out that night and, after I phoned him to double-check, I said I'd come. She was listening to the phone call so it was embarrassing for me to ask him. Her face kind of dropped when she heard the way I speak to my current boyfriend.
"Is that your boyfriend?" She said.
I thought it was funny because everything I do these days shocks her.
At the pub people lost some inhibitions and said what they'd been thinking without thinking what they'd said.
Some of Lucy's friends started going on about my hair again and then one of the girls said I'd been working out. It was like a compliment. She pinched my arm, which really hurt because it was where my current boyfriend had been hurting me the night before. I tried not to overreact.
"I wanted to get into shape," I said.
"Well it's working," she said and some of the other girls were nodding so I was quite pleased and I relaxed a lot after that.
We were soon drunk and there was music and some of them wanted me to dance with them. I was reluctant and said it was too hot, which was stupid because then they just started saying I could take off that stupid uniform - the light blue cotton long sleeved shirt with the logs on - because I must be boiling.
"Yeh," said one, "go on, show us y'muscles!" and she laughed which was, I thought, grotesque. Even so, I had one of my sleeveless skinny T's on underneath so I took off my shirt and tied it round my middle and started to wriggle to the music, slowly. I felt very tense.
Nobody noticed at first, I didn't think, then I saw Lucy in conversation with one of the others and she came up to me on the dance floor and shouted over the music "What have you been doing?" because of the marks on my arms.
I couldn't think of anything so I just said "Oh nothing," and I threw myself into dancing so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Even so, other people noticed and said things until I had to put my shirt back on. They were like children, I thought. They didn't know anything about my life. Basically I wished I'd never gone out and I wanted to be back at home with my tongue and my current boyfriend's scrotum. I don't belong here, I thought. I thought of his feet and how I could please him and how he could beat me up if I did not please him.
My current boyfriend is incredibly aggressive. He is nearly always angry and he takes it out on me by beating me up and raping me - you could call it.
I was standing by the door of the pub and I was thinking about going. Brian and one of his gay friends come up to me.
"What's all this," the friend says, "about you and ...", he pointed at me with a bottle, "... and this, fucking, what is it?" He meant the marks on my arms. He must have heard, or saw it when I was dancing.
"Show me again," said Brian.
"No-o," I replied. "It's nothing."
"What happened to you?" asked Brian.
"Bit of rough," said his friend with an uncertain grin. He didn't know what to say, the idiot.
"It just happened..." I said and I decided to get out before people took any more notice of me, but Brian and his drunk friend left the pub with me too.
"I'm going home," I said.
"D'you need a lift?"
"No I'll walk." So I walked.
Brian and his friend walked with me.
As we walked further in the quiet night air Brian put his arm round me on one side and his friend decided to put his arm around me on the other. I went along with it for a bit because I was tired and I didn't want any more arguments.
Suddenly there was this shout behind us and Lucy runs up.
"You going?" she says. "Didn't say goodbye."
"Goodbye, then."
"You three all going off together? You want to get your hands on him, Brian," she says.
"Just seeing he gets home safely."
"You've got a boyfriend, haven't you?" she says to me.
"Yes, I have." I'd forgotten she knew that.
"Ohh..." says Brian's friend, "what's he like?"
"Better than you, I bet," said Lucy. "Ah well, see yah," and she ran back to the pub.
"Makes sense," said Brian after a pause.
"What does?"
"All this," he said rubbing my arms.
"Crikey," said his friend, starting to laugh. "Oh, fuck me. What? Oh, so he's the one who's fucking done that to you? Your boyfriend did that? You let him do that? You let him do all that shit to you?"
I didn't reply.
"And you like that?" he said, softly.
I became aware that the atmosphere had changed. They were treading quietly and speaking less. I sensed that they were thinking something, almost in unison, formulating a plan, without saying a word to each other. Old friends are like that I think. What they did say they put as if they were asking me questions, or saying stuff to me, but I wasn't there.
For example, "Does he live nearby?" meaning, did I live nearby? To which I answered, "I'll walk it."
And "He must be submissive," to which I didn't reply.
"Is he submissive?" repeated Brian's friend.
"I'm pretty sure he is," said Brian.
They tightened their holds on me and when I said, "I live that way," they completely ignored me.
"All makes sense now," said Brian.
He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against a wooden gate, which fell open onto a piece of waste ground. They both followed me in and Brian slapped my face. Not very hard, but I was terrified. I stumbled back and fell over. Brian's friend pulled my shirt off and Brian tugged my skinny top off over my head before I could think.
"Oh, yeh," said Brian, "this is it."
"This is what?" asks his imbecile friend.
"This is the real thing, this is. A real pig whore. I always knew it."
"P. Please Brian," I said, the welts on my back and chest standing proud and raw in the fresh air, from where my current boyfriend had been beating and whipping and fucking me the night before.
Brian put his knee against my chest and pushed me to the ground. His friend straddled my face whilst Brian knelt and pressed his knee into my groin.
"Look at that," he said. "These marks on his chest are serious."
"He's a fucking little pig slut," said his friend gurgling and resting more of his weight on my face. I struggled not to suffocate.
"Oh... h ... h ... horney," said Brian. "I've always wanted to fuck that."
Heaving all his weight on my balls he pushed himself up and kicked me between my legs.
"Off," he ordered and he kicked me again and again until I pushed my shoes and my trousers and my underpants off. Brian's friend was resting practically his whole weight on me, which also made it very difficult for me to lift my buttocks off the ground and get my trousers and my underpants down to my feet. Brian grabbed them and pulled them the last bit. I was completely naked now. His friend got off my face and they both stood there inspecting me. I just stared at them both in terror.
"Assume the position," said Brian, no longer the softer friendly type I'd known at work. I got on all fours at once.
"Wow," said Brian's friend. "What a fucking mess." My buttocks were marked and sore, like the rest of me.
"It's going to be like fucking an open bag."
"Please!" I cried.
Brian bent down next to me and inserted a finger into my hole.
I thought of my current boyfriend and what he would say.
"Hey, you know what?" said Brian, his finger wiggling painfully inside me, "It's not bad. Not bad at all."
"Purchase?" said his friend.
"Oh, considerable purchase. What about the other end?"
Brian's friend dropped to his knees and presented a semi-rigid cock to my lips. He held my head and started face-fucking me.
I was thinking of what my current boyfriend would want.
"Oh yes," as it grew hard in my mouth.
Brian started working my hole and spanking me. He took out his finger and smoothed some watery shit down over my clean shaved balls.
"What a horney little cunt this is," he said and started working my hole still harder with his gooey fingers.
I tried to imagine my current boyfriend and how angry he could be. He always insisted upon obedience... or should I fight and run away? I wasn't sure which would please him the most.
Brian knelt down behind me and let his prick kick free of his pants and trousers. It brushed against me once or twice. Suddenly I wanted it.
"What do you say, boy?" He let it slide up and down against me a couple of times more.
I couldn't speak because of his friend's dick in my mouth but as Brian's rock hard prick slid over and over my glistening hole I sort of pushed against it until Brian allowed it to penetrate me.
Those two totally disgusted me. Having Brian's dick up me was uncomfortable. He was really vanilla and he didn't know what he was doing trying to hard-top me like that. I could tell that despite his language he really wanted to make love to me. It was unpleasant. And his friend was worse. He wasn't a top at all, I think. I think he really wanted me to fuck him, possibly, or Brian to fuck him. Either way it wasn't working.
After what seemed like a very long time Brian came and then his friend fucked me too but he wanked himself off eventually and I felt the odd flecks of sperm pepper my back. I felt really unpleasant.
When they left they were very nice, which I didn't like, and seemed to think we might do it again. "Not in my lifetime," I thought.
Strangely, no one even mentioned it at work, but Brian was always very kindly towards me and used to touch me a lot, which I found embarrassing.
Brian used to touch me in front of the other blokes at work and it was taken for granted that Brian was fucking me.
He used to corner me in the toilets every now and then and told me to suck him off, which I did. Afterwards, he would walk with a swagger. I think he told people because some of them, like Lucy for example, I caught looking at me in a kind of disgusted way and they had even less to say to me than before. Lucy treated me like she just didn't understand and I was, like, lost - lost in a sordid world she didn't want to enter.
I didn't care anymore.
I can't cope with secrets and when I told my current boyfriend what had gone on that night after the pub he just laughed. He had a beer and he emptied it down his throat.
"If that's what you like..." he said. And that's when he started to give me to other men.
"That's what you're like," he said, "you're a cum hole," so I acted like that.