OPTIMISTIC

Disclaimer: This is a story involving mostly non-fiction content in fiction setting with homosexual behavior. Absolutely noone under the age of 18 is allowed to read it, that is, if you let others in higher office run your life. We are after all free thinkers, correct?

This is a release for me and has helped me in many ways. It has helped me to regain my radical behavior that "Tobey" has while maintaining the coolness of "Kieran." Don't know who these two are, then you must read on! Enjoy this part 1 of a three part series. It is definitely one of the lengthier stories on Nifty, but is well worth the time. I hope you, the reader, enjoys it.

A great special thanks to the authors of Changing Tom's underwear and Along Among Friends who have both provided me with the fury I needed in writing this. I also thank Nifty.org for their dedication as I know we all have it bookmarked.

E-mails are appreciated at trekryder@hotmail.com Write optimistic in the subject header :) brent

"OPTIMISTIC"

Okay, so I was on a mission: Destination, "Mr. Right." To take things a bit further, I had already formed an image as to what he would look like, personality included. At this point, maybe I am being a bit selfish, but look at what he wouild be getting in return. Ok, so now you may be thinking that I am an arrogant prick or that I may actually be a decent guy that may have something to offer, not your typical AOLer. I am a bit over 6'1" and weigh in about 170 lbs.; I have short black hair, brown eyes and high cheekbones. As far as being white or black, I am neither; a carmel complexion describes me best. I have been blessed to have a smooth and slender build, which I believe I get from my grandfather, pretty bad considering he has more hair growing in his ears than on both legs. I occasionally run, but don't have to lift weights to maintain definition. I guess if you were to compare me to a muscle bound gym rat then I would look skinny, perhaps that is why I don't have a health club membership. My gym is the pavement I would say. And if you are on a budget than that fits in nicely. For the last week I have been trying to grow a goatee (I had seen it on a guy I passed by up in Canada which made him look really good and really sophisticated), but all I have to show is a "drunk on Yoo-Hoo" moustache. I'll probably bic it a bit later since it did not have the desired effect.

I know that I am breaking every social rule when I say that I am searching for a "Mr. Right," my "Mr. Right." They say that you should "just let it happen and not to force things," but screw that, they're not an 18 year old virgin! So now that the back door has hit patience in the ass, I can look for a "significant other" as the politicians would say, or more in my terms just a boyfriend.

I am sort of worried as to how things will go when I leave for college on the 18th of this month. Ever hear the expression, "Beware of the quiet ones for they are the most deviant." Well, Duh!! It is from years of repression, sexual repression in my case. I mean, I have done the girlfriend thing. That was pretty damn miserable, but I had to show off someone to my family in friends. As far as meeting guys, well I am not just yet about to walk into a gay club and start showing my goods. I have met guys on AOL (come on who the hell hasn't...it's that whole anonymity thing that makes it so appealing), but the strange thing was is that they did not look like their picture or even do the things that they said they liked to do. I recall sex, being major parts of the conversation, but that was not my thing. So I would leave disappointed and stay out of the chat rooms for a while. I do recall this one guy I met who was staying on campus at the local university. We had a great conversation and all, so when I got there u can imagine my disappointment when he said that his boyfriend was in the room and if we could blow each other in my car, mind you it was not even my car. I have wised up since then and got angry because that is what most people think gay guys do. That statement bothered me as I promised myself to not become like that guy. The other few guys I had met were a wash, but there was this one older guy whom I will tell you more about. I imagine that you will guess who he is a bit later.

Now going back to me leaving college. My pops was not at all thrilled that I was going to college; he wanted me to go into the military. I'd say under my breath, "Do you know what they do to guys like me in the military?" He'd constantly tell me "boy, your soft just like your mutha." Most times I did not bother to say anything back, that way he would just finish up ridiculing me and move on. My older, mean son of a bitch brother could do no wrong. That sadistic fuck and my dad got along great. I mean, I could not believe that I was related to someone who at recess would literally go and play hockey, taking slapshots with the head from a cat's carcass. Just as different as my brother was from me, so was my mom from my dad. My mom would always take the backseat in anything and everything. She was so small next to him, as most times you did not notice she was there. It would hurt me when I would see her late at night in the kitchen, with a certain face on. You know, the one you do when you wish for something better. My dad treated her and I as if he was the master drill sergeant and we were the inept pawns. Oh, I forgot to mention that when my brother having failed to get into all branches of the military because of, you guessed it, the psychological, my dad got him a job at the concrete plant. The last really huge public embarrassment that my dad made was at last year's soccer tournament. That week was especially tough for me because of exams and daily practices that always went longer than the posted time. My coach had recognized that I was dragging and he signaled me to come out of the game. I was really glad for two reasons, the first was because I really was pretty damn tired and the second reason was I had my head more focused on the guy keeping score for the other team then on the game being played. I mean he had this blond hair that seemed to fall onto his forehead with a tight shave on the sides. I could see his mesmerizing blue eyes cross-field, as they would often hypnotize me during penalty kicks. The thing I noticed most about him was that he was always laughing and touching the girl beside him. It didn't seem like a girlfriend of his, rather just a good close friend. I doubt that he could have kept much accuracy on the books. It was chilly that day and he had on the turtleneck that he would pull up over his head and scare the kids at the game. I was captivated to say the least. However, being as tired as I was, I had imagined myself switching places with that girl. How great would it be to sit with someone that could make you smile so much until that your face muscles cramped as if you had overdosed on a mouthful of sour candy.

My attention was rapidly redirected from that beautiful guy that had me mesmerized to my archaic looking dad. I saw my dad up and yelling from the bleachers. I heard him saying things like, "What are you teaching wusses out there?" and even calling my coach a "dumb asshole!" My mom tried to pull on his shirt downward, but he just shrugged her off. My coach handled the situation really well though. He had said that they should talk after the game and swap some ideas, total bullshit I know but he was a smooth talker. My coach had toned down my dad with his last statement. Walking over towards the end of the bench I did not care that people were mumbling about my dad's behavior, I figured that he was just making himself look like a dick. My mom though, she was the one I felt sorry for. I whispered "Thanks," to my coach in his ear. He responded with the "ole' pat on the ass routine." Now, I am not saying that I overanalyze things, but he only slapped a few of us on the ass that way. After playing under his supervision for the past four years I have learned of his different degrees of "congratulatory pats." It goes like this: if he was not thrilled about you he would simply say "Good job," or some other overused generic statement. If he did like you then you would get a pat on the back from him. Ass pats were only reserved for those he had really liked, such was the case with me. I also noticed that the players that he slapped on the ass were the better looking of the bunch. There was another teammate and friend of mine named, Quan. Quan, not only received the patented pat on the ass but a follow up messing of the hair "congratulatory gesture." I must admit now, that I became really jealous over that until shortly after, coach had treated me with the same two gestures. Before you all start thinking how perverted it is for a coach to do these gestures, relax! First off, he absolutely hated me calling him coach, as was the same case for a half dozen others on the team. He allowed us to call him by his first name, Ryan. As for the rest of the team, they had to call him "Coach Davidson." Ryan had graduated from a nearby exclusive and private college. He had gotten the gig as coach or "Director of Athletics," he would jokingly say once the previous guy retired. I figured he got it because of him being the local, hometown hero of sports. Riding on his coattails the town was recognized by sports sections throughout the state. None of these things I really cared about, for me, it was the way he looked. In a few words, "Damn good looking!" Though, I towered over him by a few inches, he had the most gorgeous build as if his real job were to grace the cover of a men's health magazine. He had this distinct v-shaped pectoral structure that increased my blood flow to the most conspicuous place possible. Thank God for cups! When it was not too cold out we would play in shirts and skins. "Cheap budget," he would say with a smirk. I was so used to have him picking Quan and myself to be on his team, there was the treat. Ryan's eyes were a swirling mix of the deepest browns the autumn could muster. When he gazed at me, I felt prey to his stare. His hair was shoulder length tucked behind his ears. I would suspect that when you are with him in the throws of passion that holding onto the bedpost would be unnecessary. His long hair would probably prove to be of better support.

I was delighted when one day, Ryan, had approached me and handed me a letter. He said, "Here, this should increase your chances."

"Huh," I responded sheepishly, "What's this for?"

"It's for college admissions genius, Go home and read the duplicate and mail in the sealed envelope," he said. "A recommendation from an alumni will go a long way." "Man," Ryan continued to say, "Those professors will have a lot of work to do on you."

Ok, so in retrospect, it would have been great if he had said "I" instead of "Professors." However, that sort of wishful thinking will just make me cream my pants. He did however, stare at me for what seemed like eternity, messed up my hair and walked away. I don't know why, but it just came out, "What no pat?" Realizing what I had said, I had become really embarrassed and blushed. The blushing just made me look more native, but the embarrassment would last longer. I had seen Quan looking over with a smirk on his mug. Nah I thought to myself, not Quan, he has been steady with some girl from his country for like an eternity.

Well, I believe that it was that letter that had gotten me into the nearby private college. The same college Ryan had gone to. Though, it was a really small institution, it was situated on the most beautiful area of the state. My mom encouraged me to go because the college had given me a really good financial aid package, also it being so close to home made her feel more comfortable. However, leave it to my dad to say a harsh statement like, "You're not high class, you'll never fit in!" Of course, my rat of a brother would agree loudly. A part of me felt that they were right and that I could end up working in the concrete factory outside of town and be like the other men who have abandoned all types of aspirations. The men who walked everyday of their lives hunched. You could see the aching in their eyes and their hands as pale and hard as the concrete they molded. The thought of waking, working and living in a cold, sterile concrete plant sixty plus hours a week made me cringe.

The summer after graduation was pretty uneventful. I had kept a low profile by working a new job in the state's park department. I guess all the knowledge that I had picked up about the nearby mountain range had finally paid off, to the tune of ten bucks an hour. Not too bad when all you have to do is make certain that hikers stay on the trail so as to not deviate and get lost. It sure did beat some of the jobs some of my friends worked. For instance, I have a friend named Chad, who for seven dollars an hour had to dress up as a chicken and attract travelers to blow off a few bucks at the "Fried Chicken Depot." That was pretty bad I had thought. My friend, Aimee, would busy herself making ice cream cones and sundaes for bratty kids forty hours a week. Quan, well he really didn't have much of a choice. His parents ran a flower shop and one of those print/copy/fax type places, which also sells paper stationary. I knew that would tie him up for much of the summer. Often times, when my shift ended, I would ride my bike over and give him and his family a helping hand. His mom, who was a great cook, would ask me to stay for dinner in return. Quan would then ask if I was able to spend the night over. The latter part was all the payment I needed. Late at night, he and I would sneak out of his parent's house and hike it up to a lake that was only about a mile up on a windy road. We always had to pack a flashlight because you were barely able to see your hand in front of your face let alone the road beneath you. Once up by the lake, you would hear the most beautiful and distinct nighttime sounds of insects, local animals and the rustling of the wind. I know they sell these sounds on CD's but you can't beat listening to the real thing. He and I would have the best conversations, we would talk about people from school, who's dating who, the future, and I would occasionally ask about his girlfriend. We rarely spoke about sports or upcoming games since that is all that we discussed at school with friends. I was never completely honest when he would ask me things; obviously I was really ashamed about him knowing about me. There was this one night in particular. It was very humid that summer night and the ground was moist, I had persuaded Quan to go in the lake with me for some relief. The time that would pass during the upcoming events seemed to come to a standstill. I had taken my shirt off as Quan was trying to take his shirt off. He was taking it off slowly with his face wincing in pain. I asked what happened and if something was wrong. He said that it was nothing. I knew that was complete bullshit because when I looked towards his back it was all bruised and swollen. I tried to pry further to ask what happened, but he did not want to talk about it. I focused on him and could not figure out what may have caused that bruise on his back. He asked me to walk him to the water, which I did, and we both went in slowly. He was pretty much quiet the whole time. I stayed near him in case anything happened. He then started to talk weird; I had never seen him like that. He was saying things like how life could be so unfair and why are people so hateful. I tried to understand what he meant, but didn't put two and two together. He began crying and all I could have done was to wrap my arms around him and hold him. Every tiny hair on my body contracted as I felt his sobs and his clutching. His pain led to me tearing and all of a sudden I did not feel so helpless. I have never talked to him about that night, even the next morning I pretended as if the previous night had never occurred. I did not want to confront him because it obviously bothered him deeply so I just left it alone.

I awoke early on the 17th, "The eve of moving day," I muttered to myself. I had a few things to buy at the mall and Quan was coming to pick me up so that we could get some shopping done. I promised myself that I would roll out of bed as soon as Radiohead's, "Optimistic," was over. In the meantime, between the song and the humming of the air conditioner I began to think. Dangerous I know, but Quan was on my mind and that was nothing unusual. He and I are very much alike in many ways. He was my best friend, but I loved him. I have loved him for as long as I can remember. I don't know why but it always saddened me when I thought about it. It was probably because I knew that I would never have a chance to be with him, but I never much cared thinking about it that way anyway. He and I go back to the early years of elementary school. I smiled as I remembered how we met. I was caught by the teacher making fun of the "new student" with the "sleepy eyes." I even imitated sleepwalking and said things like, "Fried rice" around the whole classroom. My teacher thought she was sly in punishing me. She had assigned me as his "play buddy" for the remainder of that week. The truth is that we got on great, so much so that I had neglected my other friends. Since then, I have stayed at his house, worked at his family's two stores, been a best friend and played side by side in soccer and in baseball. However, as close as we were there was an overwhelmingly large part of my life that I had kept private from him. I kept private a part of my identity that not even he knew of. As we grew up together, I noticed myself becoming increasingly attracted to him. As far as guys in my life, there were only two: Quan and Ryan. Oh yeah, there is one more, but once the ship and he went under the water permanently in the movie I imagine so did my chances. The other guys at school and on the team were just too damn jocular and arrogant for me. I didn't even understand where their arrogance stemmed from they either sucked in sports or in academics. For Quan, ironically, it was his eyes that were my favorite part of his anatomy. They are almond-shaped and have a natural brown luster. His hair is beautiful it is straight and jet black in color that he pulls to the back. He gels it up so it stays in place unless he is running which then it dances on his forehead. He's shorter than me, around 5'9" I'd say and he must weight about 150 lbs. His skin has a light beige and creamy tone that if you see him in certain lights, looks as if he glows. He has sideburns that he keeps maintained in the regular season. He says he looks more intimidating with them, which I agree, he does! His legs look powerful, sharply chiseled from years of ball playing. His laugh and his voice are light and fluid, but penetrating. He speaks with a soft dialect so I enjoy listening to him. His smile radiates the whole room and is contagious. I detected movement, lots of movement as I zoned in under my sheets. I then heard car tires screaming and a car's horn bellowing as my attention was redirected. I grabbed my pajama pants slid them on with my erection coming out of the slit. This I did not realize until later. The car seemed like it stopped dead in my driveway. I parted my curtains and peered outside the window in the direction of the driveway. Between the leaves of the giant oak, I saw Quan coming out of a brand new convertible sports coupe. "What the..." I wondered, who's car was that I thought. I pulled up the window and as Quan was about to pound on the door I yelled for him to walk in. I raced into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and ran some water through my hair. I slid down the banister and greeted Quan.

"Wow, impressive package...and it got past security," Quan jokingly said.

"Huh," I retorted, "Oh shit, sorry man" I said in disbelief as I tucked my better half back inside the pajamas.

"You know, come to think of it Kieran I've never seen you full on naked" he said.

I let lose a smile in his direction. "What's up with the car," I asked.

"It's a small advanced token of my parents appreciation in my decision of staying closer to home. You know, so I can help with the family businesses and all," he said.

"Wow, it looks so beautiful in my driveway, now when a beautiful girl is with you in the car, I can say she's with you for the car," I teasingly said. "Sorry man, but I figured you should hear that from your best friend and not from a group of strangers," I said. "So it runs good?" I asked.

"Yeah man, runs great! Now let's get that bad ass on the road" he said exuberantly. "I mean Kieran, you can go in there bare-chested and all and I wouldn't mind but I doubt mall security will be ok with that," Quan said.

"True that," I responded. "Just give me a few minutes to change, cool?" I said.

"Good with me, hey you mind if I brew some coffee," Quan asked, "I had a late night."

"Ha, phone sex with your girlfriend too much for you," I shot back.

"Kieran, my good friend, you wish you had a love life like I have," Quan responded.

"Oh ok, so you mean that I too can have a pay as you go relationship with your girl too huh," I jokingly said.

"That's it," Quan screamed as he lurched towards me, "I'm gonna make you pay for that one!"

"Oh shit," I responded as I tried to twist away, but Quan grappled me in a way in which he was able to elevate me and push me into the couch. "Okay, okay" I replied laughingly. I knew I had to give up quickly or else he would have been introduced again to an unexpected tent I was about to pitch.

"Ha ha, damn it man you give up way too easily you could have probably kicked my ass" Quan grunted. He still was not letting go of me. He had his shoulder blade in my abdomen with his head forcibly placed on my right leg. He was kneeling down and I felt the warmth of his activity. His arms were tightly wrapped in a locked position that made me sigh. It would have been nice, I thought, if it had been an intentional intimate hug but that was just some wishful thinking on my part. "What's wrong, why did you sigh," he asked.

"Just forget about it," I said smiling painfully. "Let me just get some clothes on and hide the red marks on my chest so people don't think that my boyfriend is beating me up," I said. Oh fuck, not again I thought, another slip of the tongue! I felt the temperature of my body increase and my hands became clammy. I didn't want to turn around to see Quan's expression. I just wanted to walk away pretending like I never said that.

"Ya know Kieran, you should let them think what they wanna think," Quan replied. I abruptly turned around, speechless and stared at him. He stared at me; we were both focused on each other. I froze, I felt his stare reading my mind and trying to make sense of what I was thinking. There was no making sense of what was on my mind, I felt all screwed up at the moment. I had a million thought processes racing around in my already crowded mind. To him, I must have looked like a deer in headlights, scared and helpless. His stare though, kept disrobing me. "I know you," he said with a blanked expression. Chills were sent shooting down my body. I wanted to shrug it off and pretend that I didn't know what he was referring to. I wanted to tuck my tail and cower under my bed. I had felt severely exposed and open for attack.

I bit my lip; tears had already welled in my eyes. I picked my head up and said, "It hurts so bad, every damn day." With saying that, I fell to the floor and began sobbing incoherently. I felt that I had given up, TKO'd in round one with no round two in sight.

"Besides," I said, "What the fuck do you know. You live in this perfect world man, you got a great family, you're going to a great school, you're smart, you're good looking and you got a girlfriend that you will probably marry," I shouted. I was enraged; the hairs on the back of my neck were upright. I had to be on the attack so I would not feel so vulnerable. "But, Kieran," Quan tried to say..."No," I shouted, "You don't do this to me. I have trusted you with everything and I have loved you with all my heart damn it!" I felt so unclothed, so naked and so unprotected. I continued to cry profusely; again I shrank to a fetal like position and just covered my face. How dare he make me feel so ashamed. I could feel Quan simply standing there saying nothing. Maybe he was thinking of what sort of comforting words he could say to me or maybe a loud "Fuck you, faggot" was on the verge of coming out of his mouth.

I heard him walking towards me; I stood up in a cocked position. Our eyes met. As he kept walking towards me I abruptly pushed him away. He locked onto my arms and would not budge. I was too weak at this point to push him away. He had his way, he leaned into me and wrapped his arms around my side and put his red hat reversed on my head. He didn't say a word as he brought me over back to the couch. He kept his arm wrapped around me and gently sat me down on the couch. My head was still buried in my chest. I was sort of unconscious as to what was actually going on around me. I do know that I felt an incredible relief, a period of freedom so to speak. My shoulders suddenly felt lighter. Quan reached up, his forefinger resting on my lips, he drew his forefinger under my chin to lift me towards his face. I couldn't look at him so I gazed down at the floor in a stupor. His other hand went from my side and he clasped my hand. Heat penetrated my body and rapidly penetrated into my blood. The heat went to my brain and I was able to lift my eyes to him. The previous moments in which I had felt so much anger dissipated. I didn't know if I should wet my lips or wait for him to speak.

"You're tearing," I said, "Why?"

"Because," Quan reasoned, "I have for the longest time fantasized that you may or might like me, in a way more than a best friend would ya know," he said. "And now, the last time that you and I will be together, you tell me this." His tears were now a full on waterfall, but he seemed joyful. I looked and listened but I had to wipe my eyes and clear my ears to look and listen again. My heart sank as I zoned in his face. He looked so beautiful; a handful of hair strands had fallen over his eye and was barely touching the corner of his lips. I raised my hand to wipe his tears, "No," he said, "You need to see me like this."

"And I need to do this," I said to him. I brought him closer to me; I had buried my face into his shoulder, inhaling his natural scent. He let out a sight and clutched me tighter. We both cried a bit longer. Cries that were related by suppressed emotions and perhaps even suppressed love.

We mutually pulled away; I had so much to tell him as I hoped he would have much to tell me.

"Come on," he said, "I think you and I need to go somewhere a bit more fitting."

"Yeah, I know" I replied as I tried to wipe the redness out of my eyes. "My dad usually comes home around this time for a bite to eat and I don't wanna be here when he gets here."

"Ya know Kieran, for as long as I have known you I have seen the way your dad treats you and your mom. He treats you two as if you're both a piece of shit. I mean why is he such an asshole to you two?" I saw Quan's face contort in anger as he asked me this. I understood it as him caring for my well-being, and that was nice since I really didn't have many people feel that way about me.

"I don't really know why. He says he treats us like that because he loves us so much and since he loves us when we do something that he doesn't like it makes him even more angry. For a while I used to shout back that he didn't love us and that he just loved the control he had over my mom and I. I would then say that if my mother or I would ever die he wouldn't care less." Talking about my dad lately would get me really angry. I began getting these increasingly hateful emotions toward him. I must have felt this way towards him for a while now but I think I am finally beginning to sort out the way I feel on many issues.

"Shh, Kieran," Quan said as he raised his two fingers up to my lips. "I don't ever wanna hear you say anything like that again." His facial expression revealed that he would be really hurt if I had ever done any type of intentional harm to myself. God knows that I have thought of doing the deed many times before but obviously never went through with it.

"Quan," I asked, "You never had thoughts or feelings that made you just wanna quit?" I was serious in my asking him. I mean I knew his life was perfect but sometimes I figured everyone got upset with even the most mundane things of life. It would have been so much easier for me I used to think. I would no longer have to deal with my sick perverted confusion and my dad and brother. It was the thought of my mother and leaving her alone that kept me from doing anything stupid. Her and I were a team, at least that is the way I viewed it, and I would rather be damned then to let her down.

"Not once, not ever," he exclaimed. "I would never cheat myself or the ones that I love like that. And you Kieran, my greatest friend in the whole world who just now tells me all these great things. Now, I see I'm gonna have to knock this nonsense right out of you." He leaned over and gave me a playful punch in the jaw. I overexaggerrated my movements and fell to the floor.

"Fuck man, I didn't mean to do that," he said in astonishment. He leaned over to pick up my head. I squinted my eyes open but ended up smiling in my futile effort in playing dead.

"Just kidding bro," I said laughingly as I saw his concerned face turn to one of relief. "Hey, help me up so we can get going there's a lot I have to tell you. Oh, and brew some extra coffee for me too, ok." He lifted me up by taking my hand and I heard a joint crack. "Damn, who's the old man," I asked, "You or I?" He let out a loud laugh that seemed like it was billowing inside of him and that was great to hear.

"Well, duh," he said, "I was gonna brew you some anyway. You should know that I am somewhat of a considerate person." I smiled knowing full well that he really is.

I started walking up the stairs but my body turned and leaned over the railing to see him. He was walking into the kitchen running his hand through his hair; beautiful I thought to myself. I ran up and paused in front of the bathroom mirror, smiling at my image. I was not smiling because of my self-approval of looks, rather because my best friend seemed to understand me and accepted me rather than hating or condemning me. His approval of me would mean just as much as if it had come from the lips of my mother.

Turning on the faucet I let the water run and cupped some onto my hand throwing a splash on my face and rubbing the excess into my hair. I pulled the towel towards my face briefly stopping to smell and hug it. Clearly, I was feeling very good about myself but more importantly like I had just relieved a burden, a burden that should have never been. I ran the brush filled of mint paste through my teeth working up a good lather. I spit out the residue and rinsed with some mouthwash. I added gel to my hair sort of messing it around for that short unkempt look. I proceeded into my room and after peering into my tank of two geckos I threw in some crickets I had caught. I threw on a ribbed white tank shirt, beige colored multi-pocketed shorts, socks and my Airwalks. I used to never wear tank shirts before but since I was filling out a bit I felt more comfortable wearing them. I glanced in the mirror for approval and headed downstairs.

"One coffee light and sweet!" Quan shouted tapping the tabletop as if he were the cook at some greasy spoon diner.

"Thanks, Mel," I responded, taking the coffee into my hands. Upon sipping the coffee I was noticing how good it had tasted. I imagine that after this moment most of my experiences, even that of the mundane, will be enhanced.

"Well, I'm gonna say it," Quan said.

"Uh, say what?" I asked sheepishly.

"You really wanna know?" He asked in a deviant tone.

"The way things are going this morning I think I can handle anything," I said, letting loose a smirk in his direction. He put his cup down on the counter and in a seductive manner walked over towards me. He cornered me into the countertop and aimed his beautiful brown eyes at me.

"Well, it's the way you look in a tank top. I don't see how you've never caught me drooling," he said.

"Jeez Quan, with statements like that I am beginning to think that you are..."

"Gay," he said sharply cutting me off.

"Yeah, uh that," I replied. His stare at me turned into a stare of confidence. He lifted his shoulders back, clenched his teeth and pulled himself away.

"Come on Kieran, dump the coffee so we can take a ride up to the lake. I figure we leave now we can avoid your dad," he said.

"Shit, yeah I almost forgot," I quickly replied. Shaking my head out of confusion I asked, "You're gonna let me drive right?"

"Sure, here are the keys," he responded.

"You're not serious?" I asked. He didn't even flinch he just handed me the keys.

"Yo man, I trust you more than family. I know you would never do anything to compromise that," he said reassuringly. "Now, stop yappin' and get into the car," he said nudging me out of the front door of the house.

"Damn," I said, "This car can make a young fella very lucky. It's silver too, just my color. Man, you even got leather interior...I always figured you were into the kinky," I said teasingly.

"Hey man, I had nothing to do with its selection," Quan responded. I guess the dealer at Volkswagen was pretty persuasive on my parents.

"Oh, so I guess what I am essentially saying is that it is the car dealer who has the kinky taste." We both hopped in the car inhaling the peculiar leather scent, I adjusted the mirrors a bit and pushed the seat back.

"To the lake, James," Quan said reclining his seat. I simply laughed at the subservient role I was now playing.

"I can't remember the last time I was up there during the day, it has been so long ago. There isn't going to be to many people up there now do you think? Out of curiosity that is," I asked.

"What are you talking about, I am just going up for the sun," Quan said. I quickly turned towards him with a confused look. "Just kidding," he said "I am taking you up there for some privacy. I think you and I need to lay some issues out. It seems as if we both have been not too honest towards each other," he said. I thought about his last statement, he was so right. I have not been honest with him for a very long time. I have kept all of these thoughts and emotions bottled up. I had never shared them with anyone but myself. This was going to be new territory for me and I wanted to be cautious. At the same time there was so many wonderful things that I had wanted to tell Quan for the longest time. And now that the time has come for me to tell him I did not know where to begin.

I pulled in the lot, slipping the clutch in neutral and applying the brake. Quan was staring out of the car. I shook his leg bringing him back to the conscious.

I leaned over to him. "We don't have to do this if you don't feel comfortable." It was one of those things that you didn't want to say but sort of felt compelled to. I had to though, make sure he was ok with everything.

"I was just wondering why you and I waited for so long," he said gently. Bursts of heat went shooting up my body tunneling into my eyes. Tears had formed rapidly and I blinked and swallowed to hold them back from falling down on my face. He pulled on my shirt bringing it closer to him. He took a deep inhale of it and with a sudden burst of energy opened the car door.

It was a silent walk from the car to where Quan had led me. The quietness was odd being that he and I had so much to say to each other. At times, during the walk, I wanted to say little quotes of comic relief but those words did not seem to voice themselves.

"Over here good?" Quan asked. We arrived at an area of the lake I had never been to before. I gazed around the lake trying to sort out exactly where I was. I quickly noticed the spot across from us where Quan and I usually situate ourselves. I took a deep inhale of the pine scent and released it; hoping that it would gain me courage.

"Yeah man, it's a good spot. I can't say that I've been on this side of the lake before," I said. "How did you choose this area?" Taking his hat off, he glanced over and smiled.

"Like I said, we have a lot to discuss. I'll tell you why I chose this spot soon enough, ok?" He pulled off his shirt for the first time since I saw his back damaged. It appeared as if it had healed and I was glad.

"It looks better," I said, "your back that is." I had to muster up the courage to say that. I just wanted him to know that I hadn't forgotten about that particular night. After laying his shirt on the ground and planting himself on it he looked at me. He clenched his teeth then looked down as if he was pondering the best mode of approach on a highly ordered physics problem. The complexity of my statement seemed straining on him.

"I love you Kieran, I always have. I even have it etched into memory of when I first came to that realization." With that said, his statement forced me to sit down. It was difficult to hear in one way, yet overwhelmingly gratifying to hear in another way. I didn't want to say anything; yet at least. I wanted to hear him and soak up every word out of his mouth. "I mean Kieran, it was not about being attracted to guys or girls. For me, for years in fact, it was about me being attracted to you, in every way a person can be attracted. Your character and appearance have tapped my every sense. Even with all these passing years these feelings have never faded." I didn't look at him, though I felt I should have. I instead gazed at the dancing mirrored reflections on the lake's surface.

"Why didn't you ever say something to me?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "I should be asking you the same. It seems that you and I have been either too ashamed or too afraid to share these most secretive feelings. And now that you and I are both pretty aware of how the other feels we need to ask what happens next."

"You're so right," I said. "There have been so many times that I have wanted to tell you that I may be gay. However, equal in number of times I have wanted to say to you that I really loved you and that I was so sure of it; more sure about it than anything in my life. I could not risk losing your presence in my life based on some emotion. I needed you in my corner. I needed to see you at school and to know that I am your best friend. I loved the times when we were at parties or after a game and we would bail out early and go off talking by ourselves. You and my mom are all I need in life and there was no way I was going to throw that all away by telling you what exactly you mean to me. I couldn't tell you these things also because I knew you were so in love with your girlfriend and I would never want to be the one responsible for any disruptions." Just then I saw a big grin on Quan's face revealing his dimples.

"Umm, I have something to tell you," he said quietly while looking away. Ok, now I know that I can't fully derive "Planck's constant," but I did know that I was going to hear something that would churn my stomach. "You have to understand Kieran, that I did not know how you felt about me until this morning. I would never want to hurt you in any way, especially now that I know how you actually feel about me." I tightly closed my fists in preparation to take what he was about to tell me. "But, you know how I have been telling you that I am involved with a girl from Japan? Well, that is not exactly the truth actually it is far from the truth."

"Wait a sec," I interrupted. I wanted to make clear to him that all I have ever wanted from him was his support and that me telling him what I was feeling was enough gratification. "You know Quan, whatever you tell me I will be ok with. I may not understand at first but eventually I will learn to understand and to accept whatever it may be. I promise," I said messing up his hair. "Ok, now with saying all that I am ready to hear what you have to say."

"Well there is no girl from Vietnam, in fact there is no girl at all.

"Shit, no girl from Vietnam?" I jumped in and asked.

"Nope," he said, " I have been involved with a guy." My jaw dropped my eyes dilated and I was left speechless. It took a little while before I caught my breath.

"Are you happy?" I asked.

"What?" He responded.

"Well are you happy, does he make you happy?" I asked.

"Yes, he does. He has, since the very first day we met," Quan said. His facial expression intensified at the mention of his boyfriend. "You can understand how hard it has been not being able to tell anyone about him until now. So now that I have your attention do you want to know more?" I wasn't sure what to think. I mean just earlier he was telling me how much he loves me and now he looked boyish in telling me about his boyfriend. I honestly didn't want to hear it, any of it. But, I gave him a promise of loyalty. I also wanted to find out who my new nemesis was. Maybe I was overreacting a bit, but I really wanted to be solely with Quan. I was very willing in wanting to take the next step and enter into a committed relationship with him. However, with the new situation at hand it looked as if I would be on the sidelines again. I also knew that entering into a relationship with him would be double edged. It is like when you really want something so much that it hurts, but once you get it you become completely frustrated. I don't think it would be like that with Quan. I mean I know that I would enjoy being with him but not at the consequences if a severe breakup would occur. I imagine it would be best, in terms of dating him that I no longer think of it that way. This line of new thought would also put me through a lot of misery, but I agreed to the trade off. With Quan, it was like road trippin' with your favorite ally. It would be best if it remained that way.

"Yeah man, I'd really like to know how you two met." I really did, I was intrigued as to how it all must have begun. I looked Quan over. He was itching to tell me. The look of anticipation was nearly killing him. "Well, are you gonna tell me?"

"Do you remember last year's soccer game when your dad blew up at Ryan?"

"Yeah, how could I forget that," I said. "My dad went ballistic that day." I also remembered that day because of the guy in the turtleneck who was keeping score. Obviously, he has remained in my mental rolodex ever since I had first seen him.

"Well, when I was in position of scoring the defense had tripped me up. I fell down and my body was hurt all over. The ref had missed on making the call. There was this kid on the opposing team who helped me get up."

"Wow," I said, "Sounds like the beginning of a porn flick." I let out a bit of a laugh and he followed.

"I guess in a way it was," he responded laughingly. "But seriously, this guy runs over and asks if I was alright and that sort of chat. He asked if he could help me up. When I reached out to hold onto his hand he had gripped my hand really firmly. The weird part was that he was not letting go of my hand until I had pulled away. You know it was one of the most invigorating yet frightful feelings I've ever felt. My legs went Jell-o as I stood in front of him. As we continued to play I could feel his eyes cover my every movement." He paused for a bit. All of that was nice, I thought, but I wanted to know the good part. I wanted to know how he looked. I wanted to know what type of look caught Quan's attention; the one that would evict a double take if he were walking in the mall. Now I was really curious.

"Well, what does he look like?" I asked.

"Honestly Kieran, he is not as much of a hottie as you but he still attractive." At this point he jumped over towards me and pinned me to the ground. "You do know that you're a hottie, right?" He asked. "I mean if I think that then it is definitely the truth." I overpowered him and turned him on his back. I leaned my forehead into his forehead.

"Yeah, but what has being a hottie done for me lately? I am still a virgin and I have never even dated a guy before." I said.

"Yeah, but do you realize that is by your own choice? Think about it; you are only coming to terms with who you are as an individual. Also, you have to admit that you can be very standoffish to people. Every girl at school wants a piece of your ass and I imagine that many of the guys do too, but you never use your sexual prowess. You know, your mojo baby! The bottom line is that you are very disinterested to everyone you meet. I see it all the time man!" So maybe he had a small point there, but hell I wasn't going to admit to that. It wasn't my fault anyway. There just were not many other people that consumed me the way Ryan and Quan did. "But," he continued to say, "Now that I think about it I think I know why you're like that. You compare everyone you meet to me," he said. Okay, so the reading my mind bit that he was doing was just getting a little too freaky for me.

"I do not man," I proclaimed, "Hell I don't even think of you when I meet someone." Complete bullshit I know, I mean it was even at a point where at hang outs I just wanted to know where Quan was. I wanted to know what he was doing, to whom he was talking too and what he was saying. Was all of this on the extreme side? You bet! I thought.

"Bullshit Kieran," he jumped in and said. "You say that I have this perfect world, well you have this little world where you don't let anyone enter. That makes for you being viewed as a snob.

"No way," I growled, "That is so far from the truth."

"Kieran, how much longer are you gonna dwell in denial. It's the truth bro." I looked at him. I pulled my eyebrows down and sucked in on my teeth. Fuck him and his reading my mind bullshit. I didn't need to hear all of that from him. I mean as if it wasn't bad enough being in love with your best friend who has had a boyfriend for the last many months. Now to top it off, my character was in question. He was right though, damn kid usually was.

"Ok I confess, but why is it only now that you are reading me so damn well. How come, if you're reading me so well now, you didn't out me a long time ago?" I asked.

"That's easy," he quickly responded, "I wasn't sure." Hmm, great answer I thought. I guess I was too busy keeping my guard up that I have lost years of knowing Quan or anyone else for that matter more intimately. Mental note I thought, don't be such an asshole when meeting people. "But, going back to when you meet people. Try to be more yourself. When you and I are hanging out that is the way you should always be. You got so much to offer, so much so that I have spent years in love with you. I still am!"

"Does your boyfriend know the way you feel about me?" I asked.

"You mean have I told him in so many words?" Quan said. "No, I haven't. I think he must have an idea. I talk about you all the time; in fact he has wanted to meet you for the longest time. He's seen you on the field before, he knows who you are."

"So does the guy have a name?" I asked.

"Gabriel," he said. "I sometimes call him Gabey baby, but he hates that name.

"Ah, yes," I said smiling, "Terms of endearment."

"He's South American," Quan said. "Well, where do you want me to begin?" He asked.

"Don't be an ass," I exclaimed, "You know where."

"He's a bit lighter than you, shorter too, with dark curly hair. He's played soccer for that team for a couple of years so I bet you'd recognize him. He's got that typical athletic build with a nice happy trail running down his abdomen. He's a lot like you when you and I are hanging out. He's not as smart as you though. I don't know what else to say other than I want you to meet him." I realized that Quan was comparing me a lot to his boyfriend. I wondered if he normally did that.

"Sounds like a great guy. I'm really happy for you," I said. So my breathing got a little heavier when I said that but I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. He looked at me and the intensity in his face had vanished. He looked away and his eyes spanned the lake. Billowing gray clouds forming no longer allowed Quan to see the dancing mirrored images I once saw earlier on the surface. A chilling breeze traced the outline of the trees and rocks. A distant crack of thunder could be heard amidst the background.

"Do you remember when my back was hurt?" He asked somberly. A sharp chill created its way up my spine. My eyebrows narrowed while my body contracted.

"Yes, of course I do." I said. His now zombie-like stare remained focused on a distal point.

"His father one night, found us kissing on the side of the house. It was my first time ever kissing him. My very first time ever kissing another man. His dad turned around the corner of the house and saw us. That motherfucker went psycho. He began to yell things like how he couldn't believe he had a faggot son, a pussy bitch he said several times. Gabriel told me to run, but I couldn't move. I was flatfooted. I was so fucking scared for him and I. I just stood there with Gabriel behind standing behind me. I closed my eyes and his dad turned back to the front of the house. I still stood there frozen. His dad came back, more enraged than I have ever seen someone be. He revealed a baseball bat he was carrying. A fucking baseball bat, Kieran." He was crying with each word drawing more tears and creating more sobbing. I stared, frozen in horror but listening. I stayed my distance from him, this had to be said I thought. "He continued to charge us and I didn't do a thing. He pushed me to the ground and forcibly swung the bat into house yelling at Gabriel. He was yelling that he was gonna beat that fag behavior out of him. With a powerful swing he smashed Gabriel. Gabriel screamed and fell to the ground. I saw him writhing in pain clutching his arm. He was about to swing again and that is when I got up and put my body in front of the bat. That son of a bitch hit my back so hard that I started coughing up blood. I put my arm against the house to break my fall. Then, something in me triggered. I picked up a pile of dirt and thrusted it in his face. I pushed it in his mouth as far as I could. He began choking, but I didn't care. I tripped him and he fell to the ground. I started screaming fuck you, while kicking the shit out him. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt and the way Gabe hurt too. Gabe had to pull me away from his dad. He then began shaking me as so make me sane again. He and I ran we ran as far as we could before tiring. And that is where we are now." I sat there like I had just listened to a three-hour movie I didn't understand. I was cold and numb to my surroundings. With that, raindrops began to fall and the cracks of thunder had arrived. Quan drew in a powerful breath and I wanted to be the air to inhabit him for a moment only. I would like to have been that unnoticed and that necessary. "Let's cut out before we caught in the rain," he said while getting up. His bare bust had allowed for paths of trickling rain. I intensely tried to follow every trail. He looked strong; bold enough to take blows of hate.

We walked slowly down the trail towards the car. I enjoyed the rain pouncing on me. My mind felt clearer not so scrambled like it had been. He is really fond of Gabriel and I wanted to be supportive of them. The question of why he and I could not be together all of a sudden did not seem so important. Then, a quick thought came to me.

"Quan, your car!" I exclaimed. The tops down!" I ran ahead of him as if that would help. He had the keys! He quickly followed catching up to me. We got to the car and saw that the interior wasn't that badly wet. He and I wiped down the inside of the car with the shirts from our backs. Quan brought the top back up and we both hopped in the car. His zombie like appearance had faded and a look of satisfaction had replaced it. I reclined my seat. I then crumpled up my shirt and used it as a pillow to rest my head on. Quan turned his head and placed his stare on my abdomen. He inspected my body and smiled with approval.

"Am I grade A beef, Mr. Department of Agriculture inspector man?" I jokingly asked. He smiled and rested the side of his head where my heart was. The wetness of his hair sent chills up my body revealing goose bumps.

"When you would sleep over I would listen to your heart while you slept. The warmth of your body and the rhythmic beating of your heart would make me fall sound asleep," he said.

"You really did that?" I asked while picking up my head.

"Yeah man, each and every time you'd stay over," he replied. I would hope that you would wake up so I would get caught in the act," he said smiling. His statement prompted me to run my fingers through his hair releasing some of the water from it. My body warmed and I became increasingly sensitive. He turned his face and glided his warm moist tongue around my nipple. My body arched and my feet tensed. I let out an erotic sigh. He circled my brown erect nipple continuing the detailed search up to my neck. Trails of hot residue were laid and my cock responded to the attention. His tongue dipped into my ear and as he approached my mouth I leaned forward in preparation, in anticipation. Our eyes met, his dilated and a scared look pulled him away.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry Kieran." He exclaimed. My face tensed and I brought my head back covering it with my tank shirt. I peeked through and saw both his hands placed forcibly on the steering wheel. His jaws tightened. "I'm sorry Kieran, I shouldn't have done that," he said. I paused before saying anything.

"No, it was my fault. I should've known better," I said disappointedly. It's funny how things can change so erratically in the blink of an eye. I mean just a few seconds ago I was about to have one of my fantasies with Quan come true. Now, I just lay there cupping my blue balls.

"You do understand, right?" He asked. In saying that he looked so puzzled that I didn't even think he understood. If he didn't understand how the fuck could he expect me too. I can tell that he wanted to say more. I figured I should get used to these situations and try and not to let them bother me too much.

"Quan, it wasn't your fault. I'm the one who ran my hands through your hair. It was just a big mistake and I'm the one who should be sorry."

"A mistake?" Quan questioned. He pushed his hands abrasively upward on his face continuing through his hair. It seemed like he got really upset by that last remark I had made. I wanted him to feel okay about it. I thought that if I took the blame it might have alleviated his guilt. My statement didn't have the desired effect.

"Kieran, you mind if we go back to your place? I wanna shower and change," he said.

"Yeah dude, of course," I replied. "Quan," I asked, "Are you gonna be okay?" He started the car and released the clutch from neutral. He was silent in answering my question. On the way back to my house we made the small talk about his car, but that was about all that we talked about. Upon entering my development my dad had passed us by. Lunch break must be over I guessed.

"You hungry man?" I asked.

"Yeah, dude I'm starving," he replied.

"Good," I said, "Then you can make me something to eat too." He laughed and gave me a playful tap on the knee. I loved when he touched me. It gave me these shooting sensual feelings that diffused into my blood and caused my body to tense. It was the way the touch had made me feel that was missing from my previous relationships with females. The feelings it gave me could have kept me contented for a lifetime.

I suggested that he use the bathroom to freshen up while I got some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches ready. Nothing sticks better like peanut butter on the brain I have learned, especially for those times when you just don't feel like thinking anymore. It sort of slows your thoughts down. It's a favorite post-exam treat of mine. I guess that all the last minute toiletries I needed to get would be on hold until tomorrow. As I was smearing on the peanut butter I heard Quan running down the staircase with a big smile slapped on his face. His eyes, brown and beautiful were as wide open as I'd ever seen them. He had the phone in his hand as he walked closer to me.

"Promise me that you won't say no," he said. Now at the sound of that I knew I was heading into some shady business. Of course by his statement it was my first impulse to say no. I mean it's like when people come up to you hold something to your nose and say smell this. Your first reaction is to pull back and say screw off, but you instead bite the bait and agree to the foul terms.

"Sure," I said hesitantly. He brought the phone up to his ear and told the other person on the line that I would be going. "Well, are you gonna tell me what I've gotten myself into?"

"You sure that you wanna know?" He asked with a smirk. You know those nights to remember, the ones that make excellent conversational pieces. I think it was going to be that sort of night. A night to remember as the prom banner would read. I figured that I should just let things happen and hold onto my seat.

"Yeah Quan, I wanna know," I said to him. He came closer to me and cornered me as he did earlier that morning.

"Well tonight," he said, "You meet Gabriel and his special guest." I t had to fully settle that I was going to meet this guy and whoever the hell he was bringing. The more I thought about it the more my heart raced and the more jell-o like my legs became. I was not exactly thrilled to say the least.

"Yeah, sounds great!" I managed to say. Quan's smile dropped and a look of concern covered his face.

"Aw, come on Kieran I thought you'd like this. It's an opportunity for all of us to go out and have a good time. I know it's not going to be easy, but would you at least try it? I'd really like for you and Gabriel to become friends and if you don't like him then I'll just dump him," he said jokingly. How the fuck could I say no to this guy. He had the most beautiful features I have ever seen on anyone before and I was captive by him.

"First of all there will be no breaking up whatsoever ok. Anyway, you got to understand that this is a lot for me to handle in one day. I mean I told you that I'm gay and it's very obvious that I want to be in a relationship with you, but then I find out that you have been in a relationship. It's just all very hard to accept when all I want is to be with you. Do you understand?" He had his head down while he was bending the brim of his hat. I didn't know a better way of saying it and now I knew it was a mistake in me telling him that I loved him so deeply.

"I know what you mean Kieran even though you may not believe me when I say that. It would mean so much to me that you'd come out tonight. I know that you and Gabriel will get along really well. Also, Gabe is bringing someone for you to meet." Great and the plot thickens I thought.

"I just think that this may be all going a bit too fast for me," I said.

"That's your problem Kieran, you think too much. I bet you have a great time and if you don't like him, then don't worry about it. There are many more guys out there for a sexy bitch like you," he exclaimed. He ran up to me, hugging me and telling me how much this had meant to him. I did know this. Tomorrow I was leaving for school and this night was going to be one hell of a night regardless if I liked this guy or not. I needed to have a good time and what better way to spend it then meeting my best friend's boyfriend. Plus, some lucky stud was going to have an eye fest on me. With my different outlook on the upcoming night's event I was stoked.

The rest of the day Quan and I just hung out acting all silly and shit. We talked about everything and at times about nothing. We listened to Radiohead, Tori Amos and Pink Floyd. I enjoyed a couple of smokes and was feeling pretty damn good. I told him how I felt about Ryan and he confessed that he shared the same infatuation. We both shied away from the topic of me leaving in the morning, but he spoke about what his plans were. He was ok about staying home and commuting to the local university. He was going to get a degree in business with a minor in English literature. He joked that he wanted to open a bookstore, grow old in it and smoke his pipe while stroking his long white beard. He wanted to sell hard to find literature and have a huge section on alternative living. He also knew that he had to stay home to help out with his family's two stores. As for Gabriel, he said, they would still continue to date. Gabriel was going to live in the university dorms, play soccer and major in sociology. Quan said he wanted to work with troubled youth.

He and I both woke up when we heard the turning of the lock of the front door. He had his head resting on my lap so when he heard my mom coming in he had gotten startled and quickly jumped up to attention. My mom had come in the living room and asked how everything was and what we were doing for that evening. Quan and her always got along well. She treated him like a son, always offering him to stay and eat or by buying him presents regardless of the holiday. My mom would tell me how he was so special and how he would remain in my life. Needless to say that it comforted me when she said that. On nights when he stayed over the two of them would drink coffee and just basically talk about everything, well almost everything. I had gone upstairs to get ready. It is so stupid really when you waste like fifteen minutes in front of the closet deciding what to wear. The decision should really come as quick as it does when you're at a Chinese food restaurant or a diner. You figure, the menu is always the same and you always end up ordering the same one or two dishes, however that didn't seem to be the case here. What if I picked out the wrong outfit, I thought, and the guy who I was meeting thought that I looked like a complete ass. I continued to think what if I overdressed and made him feel really underdressed.

"Don't know what to wear do ya?" I heard Quan ask as he was leaning in the doorway. He had that James Dean type pose with his hand dangling at his side as if he had a smoke in it. His legs were crossed and his head downward with a know it all grin. His hair at dropped slightly below his eyes making it appear that he was up to no good. All he needed was the leather jacket and he was a spitttin' image.

"I know that I am making a big deal outta nothin'," I said in frustration.

"You usually do, but it's your nature to," he responded coolly. "Go shower, I wanted to choose what you were going to wear anyway."

"Fine," I said in a bit of frustration. I grabbed my towel and headed toward the bathroom. I let the water run creating a mixture as warm as possible. Before the fog had laid itself on the mirror. I stood in front of the mirror naked. I inspected my body it's shape and definition. I twisted in ways to see other parts of myself through the mirror. I touched my ink and traced its outline. It was in an inconspicuous area of my lower back. It was my idea to get one done. Quan had drawn the one that I should get; it was a tribal design and all black. Needles to say, that day he got the same tattoo in the very same location that I had gotten mine. We were both worried about our parents freaking out since it was illegal to get a tattoo when you're underage, which at the time we were. I knew one time my mom had seen it, but she didn't say anything for weeks. She actually liked it though, but made me promise not to get another one. When I had asked Quan what it meant he didn't tell me. It was not until one night at this girl's party when he was puking drunk that he did. Maybe he slipped in telling me, but he told me it meant give me life give me peace give me myself again. Now I understood its meaning. I continued to rub the smoothness of my skin appreciating my touch. I gently palpated my developed muscles that were from years of sport. I enjoyed the slender reflection as it had faded from sight. I wondered what this guy would think of me. Would he appreciate the way I looked or would he even get to the point of seeing what I saw. As was my usual habit before heading in the shower, I turned on the local university's rock station in hopes of hearing some new material. I let the water run for a good ten minutes before stepping out of the stall and drying myself. I walked into the room with my towel wrapped around my waistline and saw Quan lying on his side on the floor. He was dangling my two geckos, Leo and Devon, by their tails. He was one of the few that wouldn't mind picking them up and holding them. Most times, when I brought them to school, people would remark how cute they are but were never willing to pick them up. If I asked someone to pick them up the geckos suddenly went from being called cute and cuddly to gross and disgusting. But that was okay by me. It was my way of getting certain people away from me when I didn't feel like being too social.

"Man, I love these guys. I think I'm gonna miss them more than I'll miss you Kieran," he said grinning as he held Leo and Devon in my direction. "I have to tell you something Kieran."

"What?" I asked.

"Well, it's how I felt when you first told me that you were going away," he started off by saying.

"Okay, I'm listening."

"When you told me I had become very angry and hurt. I don't think I talked to you for about a week trying to demonstrate a silent protest. Hell you didn't even ask me what my opinion was on the whole thing. I was so afraid that you'd be growing away from me. That you'd be meeting new people and making new friends; forgetting about me. Those were my greatest fears. They still are because things are so unpredictable now. Many times I think to myself that it will happen the way I just told you..."

"Listen, I gotta cut you off now because I can't listen to this anymore," I said. "But please Quan, do me a huge favor and shit that thinking out your arse," I said in my best Gaelic speak. His jaw dropped and he looked down at the reptiles. I felt compelled do jump on him and start wrestling, but since I was only wearing a towel and was already on the verge of boner city I didn't.

"Here let me show you what you're wearing," he said while pulling me over to the bed. On the bed laid out were black slacks and a tight fitting black short-sleeved shirt.

"Did someone die?" I jokingly asked.

"Don't be an ass, I saw a guy wearing something like this in a magazine and I knew it had you written all over it. But the price tag on his shit was more than my college tuition."

"It's not too formal or too urban?" I asked.

"Nah man. It's you round eye, all you!" He exclaimed. I took an extra step back for more of a panoramic view of the outfit.

"This sort of clothing can get a guy beat up around here."

"Trust me, you look great in it," Quan said. "Also, I am going well dressed; that way we can both get beat up. Now stop runnin' your mouth and wear it," he said in a pseudo forceful way. I gave in to him, nothing unusual. I put the all black uniform on and walked to the full-length mirror. It made me look and feel like a supermodel or some Hollywood actor. I began to feel like another person fueled with a new persona. I felt wilder, more like the aggressor. I quickly tempered myself bringing back the old me.

I went downstairs to wait for Quan and to see my mom. Quan had half his wardrobe in my closet so I knew that he'd be ok in finding something to wear.

"So tomorrow is the big day," she said to me with a cup in hand. I looked blankedly down at the floor and traced my finger along the outline of the countertop.

"I don't have to go ya know. I could still stay here and go to the university. I know they'd still accept me." I believed deep down she wanted me to stay. Hell I wanted to stay.

"Kieran," she said softly, "Some of the best decisions in life come from opportunities which at first may not be too appealing. You may not see it now, but this is a great opportunity for you to excel in life. I couldn't be more proud of you, my son."

"Maybe Dad's right, I am not gonna fit in. They're all a bunch of rich kids," I said.

"Well if you count riches on the basis of wealth then I guess I have done something wrong." I looked at her. I didn't share the enthusiasm of going away to college like my friends had. It all to me seemed like an obligation now. "Listen," she said while caressing my face. "You'll do fine, you'll see. You'll make plenty of friends maybe date a few people and you'll really enjoy yourself. You say that they have a challenging math program and an excellent soccer team. If you think of it in those terms then your attitude will change." I pulled her closer to me and wrapped my arms around her. I drew in a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"So I know what you two are thinking. Now why doesn't this Vietnamese kid have his camera with him for such a hallmark moment?" My mom and I blurted out in laughter at the unexpected entrance of Quan. My mom and I broke arms and she paired me next to Quan.

"Wow, look at you two. The two most beautiful men in my life." I looked at Quan and rolled my eyes. I think I'm gonna choke on feelgood I whispered to him.

"Okay, ready?" I asked.

"Yeah, let's go." He responded. I headed out the door first and Quan lagged behind. I heard my mom whisper something to Quan, but couldn't make what she said.

"Be up early, Kieran. I'll be driving you before I go to work in the evening." She exclaimed. I nodded back to her and smiled as I was stepping into the car.

"You know where you're going?" I asked.

"Yeah, we're going to Gabe's brother's apartment. It is where he has been living since that incident with his dad." It was a short drive to the complex and I was familiar with the area. I saw a couple of guys by the dumpster. One was smoking a butt and the other was leaning against a parked car. Quan put his hand on my knee and told me to relax a bit. He pulled over and I drew in a deep breath hoping it would calm me down. The area was dimly lit which made me appear more alert. Quan pushed ahead and told me to just be myself. We got closer and Gabriel had become visible. I knew it was him because of the description Quan had fed me earlier. His complexion looked soft in the dim light. His brown locks seemed to fluoresce. He approached me with a nice smile and his hand extended.

"Hi, I'm Gabriel." Wow, good-looking guy I thought. Quan was right. I did recognize him from soccer. His persona made me feel at ease.

"Hi, I'm Kieran. You know, I wish I could say I've heard a lot about you, but I haven't until this morning." The three of us laughed a bit relieving a small amount of tension. Just then, the other guy turned around. I nearly collapsed. In an instant my hands began to perspire and my heart seemed to clock in about a thousand beats per second. Of all people, it would be the one guy that I have corrupted in my mind. It was that scorekeeper. Up until now there has been only one scorekeeper I've mentioned so you get the feel of whom I am referring to.

"I'm guessing you're a bottom," he said. Not only was I internally a mess, but now I had become speechless.

"What the fuck is that about?" Quan jumped in asking.

"Tobey!" Gabriel shouted. "Don't be saying stupid shit like that." Tobey fronted Gabriel and I threw a cold gaze at Quan.

"Well, are we gonna stand here holding our dicks or are we gonna go out?" Tobey asked while grabbing his crotch.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me if you guys think I'm hanging out with a little puke like that," I said. "Quan, let's go!" I stormed over to the car and I heard Quan following behind me. Good I thought. He didn't try to stop me. Gabriel ran up to us and pulled Quan and I by the arms.

"Guys! Wait a sec. Listen, I know what you two are thinking okay. But, all I'm asking is that you give him a chance. I know that I should've explained him to you guys earlier, but then I didn't think that you'd still be interested in hanging out tonight."

"You got that right." I responded. "Gabriel, you seem like a nice guy, but loose the little shit."

"Please Kieran," Gabe said as if it were his last futile plea. Gabe then looked at Quan and at that point I knew I'd be staying. It was that look that only a couple can have. The look that echoes a whole internal conversation without any actual speech involved.

"Okay, Kieran and I will stay, but he'd better not be saying shit like that alright?"

"Cool, let me just talk to him first." Gabriel said. I huddled up with Quan as Gabe left.

"I don't believe this shit," I said to Quan. "Listen to me, I have seen Tobey before. He was keeping score for Gabe's team last year. I admit I had become in love with him. But, it was that stupid superficial love, ya know? That love you get before you actually meet the person. Well now that I have met him I thought it would be best if we leave. I don't know what will happen between him and I tonight, honestly! I think he is really good looking, that being pretty obvious now, but in a strange way I am sort of attracted to his attitude."

"Oh come one Kieran, that kid's an asshole..."

"I know, that is the shit I don't understand. Usually I'd be outta here, but I'm a bit intrigued by him. We'll stay and see what happens. If he keeps acting like a dick, then we'll leave ok?"

"Fine man, your call." We looked over to where Gabe and Tobey where standing and we walked over. I stared in Tobey's direction the whole way. The top of his hair had gotten longer which he had pushed behind his ears. His eyes were complex. If you thought they were blue, then they'd play a trick on you and turn gray. He poised on me. Our eyes met. I tightened my upper body and clenched my teeth so as to not appear so vulnerable. He paced towards me passing me. I watched him as he walked to Quan's car, which he leaned against.

"He's very fond of you Kieran." Gabriel said. "He said he'd settle down. Just please don't write him off just yet okay?"

"So what's on tap for tonight?" I asked.

"Well, first he suggested that we all go to a gay club that he can get us in at. I told him it wasn't a good idea for tonight." Gabriel said. "He then mentioned an area by the docks where we could chill." I looked at Quan and shook my head.

"No way, too many people over there. Also, I am sort of overdressed for sitting in dirt," I said.

"Well, that's what I told him, but then he said that there was a rave party in the city and that most if not all the people that hang out over there will be at the rave." I looked down at what I was wearing and wanted to kill Quan. Something about me picking out sand from between my ass cheeks didn't seem too appealing.

"Don't worry Kieran, I've got my Grateful Dead blanket in the trunk. It seats four don't you know." I smirked at Quan's bid for a little comic relief. Gabriel put his arms around us and we all proceeded to the car. I walked past Tobey to the passenger side of the car, riding shotgun. Gabriel and Tobey took their spots in the back seat. A little role reversal I thought. Tobey leaned towards me cradling the headrest.

"Mmm, all black huh?" He said smugly while draping me in a cloud of smoke. "Did somebody die?"

"Not yet," I responded icily while withdrawing the cigarette from his lips and flicking it out the window. By now, it was confirmed that this guy was an asshole. I sweared in any other situation I would've stuffed him in a locker. Quan continued to drive to the docks. For so many people in the car it was a quiet ride until Gabriel broke silence.

"So, Quan says you're leaving tomorrow for Whitley College." I looked back at Gabe through the rearview mirror. He seemed a little too interested as if it was not an obligated question to ask. He looked genuinely interested.

"Yeah, my mom is taking me in the morning."

"Cool, so did you choose a major?" Gabe asked. Damn I thought. How many times did I or will I have to answer that question.

"Math," I mumbled.

"Ouch, I suck at math. It must come easy to you, huh? Gabe asked.

"Come on, don't be too modest Kieran." Quan said. "Everything comes easy to him, don't be fooled."

"That's bullshit," I said. "It's only math that comes easy." I began to feel a bit more relaxed by the ease of conversation.

"Oh, so you're a math geek?" Tobey cut in by saying. "So, tell me. Is 2+2 four or is it twenty-two?" I turned around in the seat thinking about what he had just said. I couldn't help but crack a smile. It was such a dry and stupid joke that you had to laugh. He looked at me and smiled back, winking at me as well. The wink caught me off guard and I immediately turned back around in my seat.

"Never mind him," Gabriel said as he elbowed Tobey in the side. "So it seems that I've played against you for the last four years. You're good, really good. I say that 'cuz I've never been able to score on you."

"Oh yeah? I figured goalie is the easiest position and not even I could fuck it up. It's really good if you're lazy and don't like to do too much running."

"Kieran used to be the starting striker, but when the goalie graduated our coach used him because of his height. But, you can imagine that there were a lot of people lined up to take kicks against him," Quan said laughing. I let out a bit of a laugh and Gabe smiled.

"Yeah, I don't know where the team's hostility came from. I must've really pissed more than a few people off 'cuz they really had it in for me," I responded.

"Yeah man, like I can't imagine that your arrogant attitude had anything to do with it," Quan joked.

"Oh, so it seems that you have a bit of arrogance in ya, huh?" Gabriel asked.

"Well, I think that's the only rumor that's not true." I shot back.

Looking through the rearview mirror Quan asked, "Tobey, you know we're talking about soccer, right?"

"No, I thought it was a fucking cricket game you lads were rappin' about." I could see Quan's expression turn in the corner of my eye. His attempt to embarrass Tobey failed miserably. We pulled up to the gravel lot and we all stepped out of the car in sync. Tobey was right; the area was vacant. This are is well known by most of the high school students. You would come here if you wanted to smoke, drink or cop a feel with your date without anyone bothering you. Gabriel cracked a few jokes on the way up. He told me a bit about how he confronted Quan during the game. He said he was never so scared in his life. It was obvious that it was not something he usually did. I learned that we had a lot in common. The main thing was our mutual attraction to Quan. We found an isolated area and Quan threw down his blanket. He was still steamed with Tobey's last statement. I soaked in the sound of the water rolling up the rocky shoreline. Except for the reflection of the moonlight on the petrified wood and rowboats nothing could be seen. I found a spot to sit on the blanket and I looked up towards the sky tracing the outline of the little dipper.

"So you look familiar Quan," Tobey said. Oh shit I thought, round number three. "You're the delivery boy for China Star restaurant right?" Tobey smugly said. Stunned by his comment all I could do was sit there with my mouth open. Gabe had the same expression, but Quan did not.

"That's it!" Quan exclaimed. "Gabriel, that little bastard isn't steppin' foot in my car. And plus, I'm Vietnamese not Chinese you dumb fuck!" Gabriel tried to quiet Quan down. The two of them got up together and walked into the trees. Fucking guy left me with him I thought. Some friend I sighed under my breath.

"Why are you like that?" I asked. I waited for some dumb ass, snide remark. Nothing was said. He was silent. He turned his head to me and his eyes described sadness, fear and hurt. He leaned over, slowly and gently tapped my lips with his lips. I obeyed his moves; I let him lead while I followed. His fingertips lifted my shirt and each finger crawled its way up to my chest. My body began to relax while my dick hardened. I ran my fingers through his hair, down his neck and around his face. I brought my nose to his neck inhaling him. Tobey slowly unwrapped me starting with my shirt. The sweat and light annunciated my physical features. I reciprocated, relieving Tobey of his shirt. We both became a bit more aggressive. His tongue brought the hairs along the back of my neck to attention. We threw off our shoes and socks and he unbuckled my belt. I lied back on the blanket. The moonlight intensified his soft, milky-white skin. His pink nipples stood firm and I cupped one with my mouth. He positioned himself on me wearing his jeans only. I played and tickled with as many parts of his skin as my mouth could handle. He moaned. Each one of his moans correlated with him straddling me harder and longer. I undid his jeans and pulled them down half-way. I massaged his lower back. I laid my head back so I could get a full frontal view of him. My pants by now were down to my thighs, but my shelter of cotton thongs was no match for what had grown inside. The head of my cock was peeking out of it. His cock, uncovered, was rubbing against me. His pink head glistened from precum, which had spilled onto my abdomen. It supported the physical and emotional bond he and I shared at the moment. I traced my hands down and through his crevice until I found myself playing with the hairs between his legs.

"Shit Kieran, I'm about too..."

It was no great mystery what was about to happen. What was I thinking you might ask? Well, it was warm. It sort of felt good though. It also looked just like my own cum. Stupid comment, I know, but remember I've never seen another guy's cum up until now.

He flopped himself on me. My eyes had become wide open. I had to restrain myself because none of my emotion had flowed out, if you know what I mean. He wrapped his arms tightly around me. It is not that I was weirded out or anything like that. It was just something different. I admit though, the longer I hugged him the better I began to feel about him and about myself.

"Your heart, it skips beats." I smiled at him, his hair was clinging to my chest and his head was angled upward. I recognized the sensitivity in his face, felt the softness of his skin, but the complexity in his eyes remained.

"It's always like that," I said quietly. "It doesn't work right all the time." He lowered himself kissing the area where my heart was and rested his head on my chest again. The warmth of the surroundings and of our activity had moistened out bodies. I was lying there trying to figure out how exactly I felt. Who was this guy? I wondered. First he is cracking bullshit comments and then when he and I are together it is like he let his whole guard down. I slowly drifted off to sleep. When I awoke my clothes were back on, but Tobey wasn't there. I heard the cracking of branches behind me.

"Hey guys, what's up?" I asked. Quan laid a cold stare on me. I assumed he was still pissed off at Tobey.

"Not much," Gabe said. "Where's Tobey?" I scanned the area quickly. Can't see shit in the dark, I thought.

"I dunno."

Gabriel tried bringing Quan to the blanket but Quan fought him off. Instead he leaned against a tree and Gabe came and sat next to me. I was concerned about Tobey.

"I'm gonna go and look for him," I said as I got up. I walked down towards the rowboats. The smell of smoke led me to look inside one the boats where Tobey was lying in. I didn't say a word as I climbed inside the boat. He kept smoking as if I was non-existent.

"I'm not gonna bother you with asking bullshit questions. I figure if you got something to say you'll tell me. But there are some things I wanna say to you," I said pulling the cigarette from his mouth and placing it between my lips. "I remember you from a soccer game last year. You probably had no idea about that. I can just about say that I fell in love with you immediately. Your beauty and grace, I watched from the field. Believe it or not, I have thought a lot about you for the last year. I even think I flat lined when I was introduced to you earlier. Then I met you. Your attitude was worth shit and now my best friend doesn't like you at all, being that you've really pissed him off. So why am I here with you? Well, hell if I know. I'm not going to tell you much more of what I think about you. You have to give a little first. However, I would like to see you again if it's okay with you?" His eyes widened and with the help of his arms he leaned himself upright.

"Be careful what you ask for, Kieran," he said somberly. Regardless of his bullshit attitude and behavior I still wanted to see him.

"Listen, enough of your fronting. You've been stepping into everyone's face since I've met you. I'm just asking you to leave that bullshit attitude at the door. No b.s.! If you don't wanna see me or if you're not interested then you need to tell me that. I'm not gonna fall apart or break into a million pieces, okay?" There was a brief period of silence he mumbled something. "What did you say," I asked.

"Fine, I'll see you again."

"Good, then you can pick me up," I said.

"Uh, didn't Gabe tell you anything about me?"

"No, tonight was the first time that I've ever talked to him."

"Well," he sputtered, "I don't have a car Kieran. I am only going to be a senior in high school."

"High school? You mean you're not in college?"

"No dude, I'm not."

"How old are you?" I asked.

"I'm eighteen," he said defiantly. "What's up with the third degree?"

"Nothing, I just thought you were heading into your first year of college at least.

"Well, I'm not. You got a problem with that?" Well, yeah, actually I did. The thought of dating a high school student had a certain stigma to it, now that I was in college. It didn't have anything to do with educational level. It just seemed to carry a negative connotation. Looking at him, I examined his defensiveness and smart-ass behavior that wouldn't help people gravitate towards him at all, but he captivated me. There was something under his demeanor that he was protecting. I wanted to give him a chance and I wanted to understand him. Was he worth it? I wondered.

"No, it just makes things more interesting." He took his eyes off the sky and aimed them at me. He smirked mischievously. I then remembered his earlier comment, be careful what you ask for.

Tobey and I got up and walked back to where Quan and Gabe were. During the walk he wrapped one arm onto my shoulders. We kept silent throughout the walk, which was probably for the best. Quan and Gabe were in the same spots when I had left them previously. I felt a slight tension in the air. I wanted Tobey to apologize for his shit, but I knew that was up to him to do.

"Guys, why don't we go and do some midnight bowling?" I asked. They all nodded in agreement and I was determined to kick this night in the ass. I asked Quan for the keys and he threw them to me with no enthusiasm.

The whole ride to the bowling alley I don't think the car ever slowed down to less than fourth gear. I must've left fifty percent of the rubber lying on the pavement. It was fun and by the smiles in the back I think they'd agree. I even saw Quan crack a smile.

At the bowling alley we saw a bunch of people from school who hadn't left for college yet either. We bullshitted with them for a while and I introduced Tobey to everyone I talked to. I think he felt a bit out of his element. He did make efforts to strike up conversation, but it just drowned out with all the other talk going on.

We got to play a bunch of games because Quan and I were ex-teammates with the guy at the counter. The night was tense between Quan and myself. I tried several times to crack a few jokes but I didn't get much of a response from him. I talked a lot to Gabriel. He and I got along really well, much better than I originally thought we would. As for Tobey, he was pretty tame for the night but I was glad that he was there with me. I caught his eyes staring at me and my ass several times as I walked with the bowling ball up to the start line. I accentuated my pose to his delight.

I became angry with Quan a few times for being an ass to Gabe, but he just shrugged me off. It turned out that Tobey knew the bar back and was able to sneak us each a couple of beers. If it was his plan to get me a little tipsy and bit horny he'd gotten an A. As you see I'm a self-confessed lightweight. It was hard having to touch Tobey so that no one would notice, but he and I managed to cop a few feels. He was a bit more aggressive than I, which I quickly got used to.

It was late and the buzz had worn off. "You guys set to go?" Quan asked.

"Yeah, I think so," I muttered. Tobey, Gabriel and I stumbled to the car. We kept pushing each other into garbage pails, seats or people that were also leaving. We heard people yelling a few expletives at us, but Tobey just flipped them the finger. For the ride home, I asked Gabe if he and I could switch seats so I could sit next to Tobey. He agreed and thought it was a good idea.

I climbed into the car sitting next to Tobey. He looked at me as if I was out of place. He leaned himself into the car door and hunched his shoulders. I gave him the extra room he needed.

"So you're leaving tomorrow?" He asked.

"Yeah, I am. I still wanna see you though." I didn't think he believed me because he just sighed and stared out the window. I thought we were going to have a nice car ride together, but that thought quickly vanished.

"I don't know if I can," he said somberly. "I have a lot of things to do. I'm still in summer school plus I work in the evenings." I didn't really care about any of that. I just knew I wanted to see him. I was determined now to try and start a relationship with him. I just had to make him believe that I was interested.

I leaned over to him and with my hand I turned his head toward me. His eyes were swollen with tears, a sign of weakness that he was desperately trying to hold back.

"Then I'll come to see you. Please Tobey, let me." The car ride was quiet the rest of the way home. Gabe had fallen asleep in the front and Quan was in a non-talking mood. The distance between Tobey and I had grown.

When we pulled up to Gabe's brother's apartment Tobey awakened him. The two of them got up and out of the car and walked to the door when I ran out after them.

"Gabe, can you give us a second?" I asked.

"Sure, I'll leave the door open Tobey. Just lock it when you come in," Gabe said. "Oh, Kieran I had a great time with you tonight. Hopefully we can do it again."

"Yeah, I'd like that," I said. I waited until Gabriel walked into the apartment before I began talking to Tobey.

"Tobey, I really wanna be able to work things out with you," I started off by saying. "But, if you want it like I think you do then you need to put in an effort as well. I am not going to mind coming back here to see you or if I have to wait up until 3 a.m. for your phone call then I will do that too. I know I am jumping into something heavy with you, but you know what; I don't give a shit. I'm always the one to think things through and not to make irrational judgments. But, fuck it this time. It's not about me taking a chance to be with you or even about going against my better judgment. I want to spend time with you, to get to know you more intimately." I could've said more, but stopped there. His look of fatigue had been replaced by one of anger.

"What the fuck, Kieran! What, you wanna know more about me? I don't think you do!" He shouted. "You wanna hear the shit that I've been through so you can run back to your best friend and tell him what a freak I am? No, no you don't! You wanna hear the good things, the nice things that I do. Well, sorry man, no such luck. Perhaps you wanna know about my parents and what my dad did to me so you can feel better about yourself. Fuck man, you don't even know where I'm living! Who the fuck do you think you are? You're nothing to me Kieran!

"No, no that's not what I meant," I tried to say.

"Cuz Kieran, you don't know shit 'bout me!" And those were his parting words as he immediately turned away into he apartment slamming the door shut. I stood there frozen. I couldn't understand how things could've gone so wrong so quickly. I was hurt by what he had said to me. I cared about him, perhaps even more deeply then I let on. I began to walk back to the car.

"Kieran, wait! Hold up!" It was Gabe flagging me down. "I heard everything and I'm sorry about the shit he said. He doesn't mean it," he told me.

"Doesn't mean it?" I echoed. "Were you listening? Gabe, he doesn't want anything to do with me! It's better that I know that now." He grabbed my arm as to focus my attention on him, to calm me down.

"There are things that you should know about him. I didn't expect the two of you to get this far. He has strong feelings for you, but you cannot let him down like so many people have. I will come and see you at your school this week."

"I don't care about my feelings. Right now I care about him. I wanna make sure that he'll be ok. If there are things that you feel that I should know about him then fine, tell me when you can. I just know that I want to see him again," I said.

"Good, we'll talk again my friend," Gabe said as he patted my shoulder sending me off. I stumbled to Quan's car and lazily stepped in.

We drove off, heading to my house. I turned on his radio to drown out the silence. It was the first time that Quan and I were not speaking.

"He's bad news, Kieran. I don't think you should waste your time with him."

"What? How are you gonna say something like that?" I said.

"He's a fucking punk, I'm sorry if you don't see that. I don't know what the hell Gabriel was thinking."

"Well Quan, why don't you let me be the judge of that!"

"Don't be ridiculous Kieran. You guys are two totally different people. I'm telling you, he'll break us! Mark my words."

"Fuck you man, was I not supportive of you and Gabe? Show me the same God Damned respect!" I looked dead into the side of his face. I was so angry with him that I wanted to hit him. What had gotten into me? I felt like a raving lunatic. I had to get out of his car, soon!

Without saying thanks or a see you later, Quan dropped me off at my house. I had never felt so horrible in my life. I walked up to my bedroom with my back hunched and my head dragging. While walking up the staircase to my room I tore off the shirt I was wearing and threw it into my room in passing. I walked into the bathroom. I let the faucet water run so that I could wash up. It was Quan's idea to go out tonight. I really didn't want to. In hindsight I should've kept to that. He had me so angry. I could've understood if he didn't want me to see Tobey. Tobey had brushed him the wrong way and I realized that. But, I made it very clear to him that I liked Tobey and he should've been supportive of that. He had no right coming off with the tone that he had. Then there was Tobey. With Tobey it was like dealing with two different people. One moment he is all smiles and the next moment he has this I don't give a shit type attitude. I don't know how I got to like him so much so quickly. It just sort of happened. It bothered me deeply because then I thought that he had the upper hand. It was obvious that I cared for him, but it was even more painfully obvious that he didn't feel the same way. The apparent anger had turned my face a shade red and had made my chest feel heavy.

I finished up and entered my room. I fed Leo and Devon. I envied their simple lives, eat and sleep was all they had to do. I turned on my black light and pulled out an old Nine Inch Nails disc and let it play. I stripped off all my clothes and put on my pajama bottoms. As I laid myself in the bed I couldn't help but think of the moment I had shared with Tobey on Quan's blanket. I recalled the texture of his skin and the firmness of his body. The strands of his hair that had clung to the perspiration he and I created. His heavy breathing, which emphasized each moment as more intense as the previous. I hugged my pillow with force and turned to my side. My eyes slowly rolled back urging me to sleep.

"Ring, ring....Ring ring."

The sound of the phone had startled me into consciousness. I stumbled over to my computer, rubbing my eyes and clearing my throat. I brought the phone mic closer.

"Uh, hello?" I asked. It was silent at the other end. I was about to click off and the silence broke.

"Wait Kieran, don't hang up. It's me Tobey." Hearing his voice made me sit more erect in the chair and I listened more intensely.

"Tobey, how did you get my number?" I asked sounding surprised.

"It doesn't matter how, but ummm...I just wanted to know if you're still into seeing me?" He said in a gentle voice.

"Yes, of course!" I nearly jumped out of my chair saying that. "But, when and how will you get to my school? I'm leaving tomorrow." I heard a small snicker over the phone line.

"I'll get there," he said.

"Tobey, wait! The dorms are aligned in a quad. I'm in Wesley Hall room 211."

"Kieran..."

"What?" I jumped in to ask. He paused for a bit. My tenacity slowly slipped.

"You be there for me, Kieran. You gotta promise me that."

"I promise Tobey." He let out a sigh that resounded through the phone line. I didn't know what to make of it.

Okay, I have to go," he mumbled.

"Bye, Tobey! Tobey? Hello?" He hung up before I could've said good-bye. Walking over to the bed, my brain was too tired to organize everything in my head. I was okay with that. I just knew that in a few hours I'd be leaving for college and this guy, named Tobey, was coming to see me. I laid back into my bed and through the window I noticed that the stars seemed perfectly aligned.

Part 2 is currently in the works...Are your eyes tired yet? :) brent