Our First Time Together
by Andrew Simon van Ryan
Copyright 2000. All Rights Reserved
From the book 'The Prince of Main Street'
Part Eleven
After the trauma I suffered at the hands of Eric, I had to suffer the trauma of the psychological after effects, as did Jesse. Mary had us join a therapy group for homosexual teens (a rarity in 1968) at the hospital where she worked.
Linda found out about the rape when Eric called her two months later and told her what he'd done, just to rub my face in it once again. She swore never to tell and it wasn't discussed much after that.
I refused to live at home in the fall, because my brother returned home and was living there! My Father wasn't told and Eric was never charged. It would have been impossible in a court case in those days. I would have been questioned about my sexuality. Eric would simply say he was protecting himself from an 'advance' by me! Such was the way the courts viewed gay teens back then. Jesse and I would have been sent to the Youth Corrections Authority for living a lewd and immoral lifestyle. That was an offense that in some cases brought felony charges.
Here is the continuation of my life story.......
I was hungry. I asked Jesse if we could try eating in the living room instead of me staying in bed.
"Really?! Great, Andy. I've been hoping you'd want to start getting out of the bedroom more" he answered "It's been making me worry, actually"
"Me too" I said "Wait Jesse, first I have to ask you something. Have I been being an ass hole? Like, I know I've said some things I didn't mean.
I know I get mad for no reason, I cry for no reason, I get afraid for no reason. I feel like I'm being a shit to you".
He looked at me a second and said "You get mad for a reason. You cry for a reason and you get scared for a reason. That reason is Eric. Think about that every time you feel one of those emotions, it will help you to get better and not to lash out at those around you. I love you and I also understand what's going on. Mom has spent long hours talking to me about what has happened to your emotions. She's helping me with my emotions too. We owe her a lot, Andy. If she wasn't around, I'm sure we'd both be either crazy or dead by now".
I thought about what he had said and tears filled my eyes. "I'm sorry that I've treated you badly! Anything I did that hurt you, I didn't mean to do." I started sobbing. He took my hand and said "You haven't hurt me, 'cause I knew what to expect, thanks to Mom. You have made me sad, 'cause I could feel your pain. Mostly, you've made me proud of the way you haven't given up. I'm amazed at how strong you can be when I've needed you or when Linda's needed you. I love you more every day, Andy." He finished speaking and kissed me. I felt as though time was going to stop.
It didn't, but the feeling was coming back to me now. Perhaps my injured spirit was beginning to mend.
Later as we sat in the living room watching TV and eating, I asked "What's the biggest change in me, Jesse? What's the most noticeable, besides the scar?" .
He looked at me a moment and said "You really want to know? It's your smile. Not the smile itself. It's how little you smile. You always look serious now, like you're thinking or waiting for something to happen. It used to be that you smiled all the time, for no reason at all. Now, it takes something to make you smile and when you do, it only lasts a little while."
As he explained, I looked at him and slowly began to pout. My lower lip turned down and it stuck out. It must have looked a bit funny, 'cause he started to giggle at me. "Now what is that all about?" he said.
"My dinner's cold.........." I said quietly. He began to laugh which slowly brought me to laughter.
"You know something? Your sense of humor is going to save you!" he said between laughs.
"Only if I can learn to smile again, for no reason at all" I replied.
Two days later I had a scare. It was early afternoon and I became brave enough to venture out into the backyard again. I watched Jesse swim as I lay in the sun. He swam naked of course, but I was not comfortable yet to take everything off. I could tell he was disappointed that I was still too afraid to return to our old ways.
I sat there wearing cutoffs and sunglasses. The yellowish purple undertone of my bruising was gone now and my cheek was becoming a thin red line with a slightly hollowed out area below it that was roughly the size of a quarter. Some of the tissue had been destroyed inside my cheek and so it had sank in just a little. To me it was a glaring scar. To Jesse it seemed almost unnoticeable from ten feet away. He claimed that it became invisible from further that fifteen feet away.
"You won't be able even tell by the time school starts, unless your standing five feet away and know where to look" he claimed. I wasn't so sure, but I hoped he was right.
"Besides, it's attractive in a strange way" he said. "How's that?" I asked. "It makes you look like a tough guy" he giggled "Oh, yeah? Then come over here and suck my cock before I kick your ass!" I demanded and stood up.
"Oooooow!"Jesse said, climbing out of the pool. "If you want me to suck it, show it to me tough guy!"
I responded by pulling at my button fly, only I pulled too hard. I heard the old fabric rip and two buttons flew off. I let go and they dropped to the ground. My cock half hard from watching Jesse suddenly wagged in the air. Jesse responded by dropping to his knees and saying "Come shove it down my throat, bad guy!"
I reacted by shoving it into his mouth and starting to thrust my hips back and forth. He grabbed the base of my cock with one hand and suctioned harder as I fucked his sweet little mouth. His other hand gripped his bone and wanked at it furiously.
Oh, shit I was horny! It took me less that a minute and I was ready to explode in his hungry mouth. My hips began to shake and I looked sky ward. "AHHHRRR! You Nasty Little Boy! SUCK MY COCK !! I'M CUMMING!!" and with that my cock exploded in his mouth. I shot stream after stream of boy jism down his throat, but he wouldn't stop sucking. "AHHHH!!!" I cried out, legs shaking and standing on my very tip toes. I grabbed his head and screamed with delight. Time stood still as I looked skyward. Then the clouds seemed to spin around and the world went black.
"Andy! Andy! Speak to me! Say something, please!" I heard Jesse screaming. I opened my eyes and said "Fuck! What a blow job!" He was crouching over me and his expression turned from one of panic to one of disbelief.
I suddenly started to jerk as If laughing. "You Dick! What the hell are you doing" he said, sounding angry. He gave me a stern look, then he realized that I wasn't laughing. I was crying.
"Andy? What are you doing?" he said softly. "I don't know" I choked "I think I fainted" Fighting through my tears I said to him "Help me. I don't think I can move" Jesse's expression changed to one of near panic. "Oh, shit! Oh, Shit!" he repeated "Here, lets try to sit you up" he said and pulled on my arm. I rose to a sitting up position and my sunglasses fell off. Now he could see that I had tears in my eyes and a scared wild rabbit expression.
"Can you stand?" he asked "Uh, huh I think so" I said shakily. He helped me to my feet and propped me up with his shoulder. Once back inside he lead me to the bed and eased me down. I half fell down and half laid down. He helped me get my legs up and said "Are you all right? Should I call an ambulance?" I looked at him and said "I think I just fainted is all. Sit down and hold me"
Still naked and slightly wet from the pool Jesse ran around to the other side of the bed and sat holding me in his arms.
I felt a bit weak and shaky. "How long did I pass out for?" I asked him. "Only for a second or two. You sure I shouldn't call an ambulance?" he said to me. "No I'll be OK. I guess I'm still kinda weak. When I started cuming, it felt like the top of my head was going to blow off! I looked up at the sky and I got dizzy. Next thing I know, you're screaming my name. I'm sorry I scared you!" I said, half dazed.
"Are you sure you're OK?" he asked again. "Yes" I said weakly."I'm really weak, though. Maybe I was in the sun too long. Maybe I got too excited all at once".
"OK, Just lay down and relax. Mom gets home soon" he spoke softly. "Can I get you anything?"
"I need to take one of my pills" I answered. He looked at me and asked "Do you hurt?" I blinked at him.
"I don't know" I answered. I think I just wanted to sleep.....
We met Daniel Roberts, another gay teen, in therapy group and he played bass guitar. He joined us and now we had a band!
Later that week I asked Daniel over the telephone if he had a boyfriend. "Sort of......" he replied, but didn't offer any explanation. "OK, well if you ever want to talk about it, you know you can" I said.
After a few minutes of small talk, he suddenly said "I have a boyfriend, but he doesn't want anyone to know, Andy. He's afraid of what could happen if people knew. That and he's only a Freshman". "At your old school?" I asked. "No. At your school, Andy"
Another gay student hiding the truth? At the same school? "Oh..... " I started "You haven't told him about.............". "About you and Jesse? No. I don't think that's a good idea just yet. It's a secret about him and me. Just like your secret. Let's keep it that way for now". "OK" I agreed....
Schools first semester seemed to fly past and soon we had Thanksgiving vacation. The following week our Band and Orchestra Director announced that several of us were going to be invited to play with the County Youth Philharmonic. The group consisted of the best players from all the high schools in the county. It was considered the highest honor to be chosen so we all sat silently as he read the list. He called the names by which section you were in. Violins first, then Violas, Cellos, String Bass, Woodwinds, Brass and then Percussion.
He came to the last name on the list and said "van Ryan, Andrew" I stood and he said "you've been chosen to play mallets or Timpani. Or both, as needed." He excused the rest of the students for the remainder of class so he could pass out music, discuss individual schedules and generally give us a 'pep' talk about what an honor it was to have been chosen and how our strict attendance was required. He gave us the last ten minutes of class to talk amongst ourselves. I was talking with Mac, one of the other percussionist when I felt a tug at my shirt tail. I turned around to see a kid I new only as Terrence standing there. He was a freshman and played the violin.
Terrence had caught my eye the first week of school due to his good looks. Beautiful was the only way to describe him. He didn't look like anyone I'd ever seen before with his dark brown eyes and long, almost white blond hair. He stood about 5' 6" and weighed no more than 110 pounds at the most. His skin was absolutely perfect, not a blemish anywhere and he was smiling at me with his perfect pearl white teeth.
"Yes?......" I droned at him. "Ah, could I talk to you privately for a minute. In the band hall?" he asked. I turned to excuse myself from Mac, but he was already deep into it with a girl who played Cello. "OK" I said. He smiled and turned in the direction of the hall. The hallway was packed with chattering students and he looked about nervously. Spotting an unoccupied practice room, he motioned for me to follow him. Once inside he closed the door and turned to face me. His face was flushed and I could tell he was blushing!
"Ah, I don't know where to start" he said glancing at his shoes. "Try the beginning" I said. "Yeah, OK. Ah, you're Andy van Ryan, right?" he stammered slightly. "Yes, I am, and?......" I said still looking directly at him. "Ah, do you know a Daniel Roberts?" he said still looking at his feet.
The bell rang in my head immediately! Standing before me was this unbelievably beautiful boy and he was about to tell me he was Daniel's boyfriend!
I replied "Why, yes. Daniel is the Bass player in my Rock Band. Is he a friend of yours?" I asked. Terrence looked up and said "He's my boyfriend". I was quiet for a moment and he began to get a worried look on his face. "Did Daniel ever say that you shouldn't confide that sort of thing to strangers?"
Now his eyes were starting to get wide, so I quit toying with him. "Did he tell you about me and MY boyfriend?" I asked with a slight smile. This relaxed him a bit and he said "Yes, he told just me recently 'cause I had told him I had a crush on another guy and....." he began explaining. "Wait a minute. Did you and Daniel break up?" I asked. "Oh, no!" he said excitedly "We were just talking about other guys that we had crushes on and I told him about you and................". He stopped and looked up at me with his mouth hanging open and his eyes bugging out.
"Well, you certainly let that cat out of the bag, didn't you?" I smiled. Both hands went to his mouth. "I'm sorry!" he began. "That's quite all right, Terrence" I said.
"You know my name?" he asked excitedly. "Yes, if that's what they call you, Terrence" I said almost laughing at the boys excitement. "Uh, well most everyone calls me Terry or TJ." he answered. "Which do you prefer?" I asked "TJ" he said "I'd like it if you called me TJ" he smiled.
I looked at him for a long moment thinking how beautiful he was and how attractive I found him. Then I continued by saying "Daniel did tell you that I was with someone as a couple, didn't he?". TJ's smile dimmed a little and he said "Yes".
The soft shyness in his voice gave me shivers of excitement. "Well, TJ. You're a cute guy" I said "If I wasn't with someone I'd ask you out". He looked up at me again, his smile beaming.
"So, do you think we could maybe be friends?" he said, the excitement returning to his voice. "Perhaps" I said cautiously "You know about my girlfriend don't you?". "Linda Hamilton? Yeah she's my next door neighbor" he replied. I felt sudden concern over this revelation. "I see" I said and stopped. "Oh, don't worry! I have a girlfriend too!" TJ said excitedly "Daniel told me I should have one so no one ever suspects that I'm........" Raising one hand I cut him off in mid sentence saying "That's fine! I know what you mean, but don't ever say it where there is even the slightest chance someone might overhear, OK?". He looked around nervously and said "OK. Sorry". "I don't think we need to worry right here but please be careful" I replied.
Thinking for a moment I said "Give me your phone number. Are your parents home after school?". Hurriedly looking for a pencil he replied "I just live with my Mom. She doesn't get home until six thirty or seven, but it doesn't matter anyway. I have my own phone in my house out back". I stopped him again by saying "House out back? What do you mean by that?".
"Oh, we have a little house behind our big house. It was a maid quarters at one time but my Mom let me move into it so I wouldn't bother her. She works for the Italian Consulate in Los Angeles and she's very busy. Sometimes I don't see her for two or three weeks at a time" he chirped as he wrote out his number. "Are you Italian?" I asked. "Swiss Italian, from the Alps" he replied. Just as he started to hand it to me his dark brown eyes opened wide. "Your boyfriend won't get mad, will he?" he said quietly.
"We'll talk about that when I call you, OK?" I said and smiled. Staring into those big brown eyes under those white blond bangs I wanted to grab hold and kiss him right there. I caught myself and asked "Will you be home tomorrow after school?" I asked. He smiled and nodded. "OK, then I'll call you around four" I said exiting the little practice room. I walked straight out of the band hall and onward to meet Jesse before lunch.
TJ closed and locked the door to the practice room. He thought of how he had spoken to me and how I had taken his phone number. He sighed out loud "I'm in LOVE!"
Walking across campus I couldn't think of anything but this beautiful young boy who had just confessed his crush to me. I struggled with my thoughts the rest of the day. Once home, Jesse finally asked "OK! What is with you? You're acting very strange and I know it's not because of Christmas Vacation". I looked at him carefully. 'This is Jesse. My only love! I have to tell him.' I thought.
"OK, lets sit down. This is complicated" I began. "I was in the Band room today and the conductor had excused us early. I was talking to another drummer when I feel this tugging on my shirt tail. It was this Freshman who plays Violin. His name is Terrence, but he's called TJ. Anyway, he asked to talk with me in private. We went into a practice room and he tells me he's Daniel's Boyfriend!"
"Really!..." Jesse said, now excited "Cool! What's he look like?". "I think you'll remember. I pointed him out at the beginning of the year. He's that slender boy with the white blond hair and the brown eyes" I said. "The one with the Brian Jones Haircut?" he asked. "That's him" I answered. "Oh, wow! He's cute! Daniel's got himself one really cute boyfriend" Jesse declared. "Yeah" I answered flatly. He looked at me for a second and asked "Andy, what is it?"
"He has a crush on me." I replied bluntly. Jesse sat there for a moment totally silent. Jesse sat there for a moment totally silent. Then he looked down at the floor. "Is he looking for a boyfriend?".
"Ah....., he said he and Daniel haven't broken up. They were discussing guys they have crushes on and he mentioned me to Daniel. So I guess not." Now Jesse was grinning from ear to ear. "Well, did he say if he thinks your boyfriend is cute too?" he giggled.
"Why, Jesse Dahlinger! I thought you were going to be upset. I was ready to have you freaking out at me, thinking I wanted to break up or something" I said in amazement. "Andy, I know we won't ever break up" he smiled "We love each other too much!". "Amen, Jesse!" I said and kissed him passionately. That was the last we spoke of TJ for several days........
The alarm clock nagged in my head. "Oh, I don't want to go to school today" I said sitting up and holding my head. "Still dizzy from all that cumming?" Jesse giggled. "No........... I'm sick" I said quietly and laid back down. He looked at me and his expression changed "You don't look too good" he said matter of fact. He ran out the door and returned with Mary's medical bag. Taking out the thermometer he placed it in my mouth and then placed his hand on my forehead. "Oh, you're burning up!" he said and went to summon Mary.
"What's wrong, Andy?" she said as she entered the room. I just looked up with my eyes half open. Taking the thermometer she gave it a look and announced "It's 102. Andy, you've caught the flu that's going around. You'll have to be in bed for three or four days. This is a pretty nasty flu strain, so we don't want to mess around." She instructed "Jesse, you help get him comfortable. I'll go call the school."
Next time I woke up was to puke my guts out. How long or how much I don't recall. I was back in bed soon and curled up in a fetal position. I recall feeling miserable until I drifted off again. I was in a cycle of sleep, vomit, shivers and chills then sleep. About the third time I woke up to vomit, all I could do was dry heave. Mary gave me something to sip, saying it would stop the retching and dry heaves. I don't know if it worked or not. I can't remember. Jesse had reluctantly gone to school when Mary insisted he go. I wasn't awake when he got home and I only vaguely recalled him speaking to me that night. He slept on the floor so I could have the bed to curl up in. The next day I stopped vomiting. A good thing too! If I'd continued the only thing left to come up was my socks! By late afternoon I was able to drink a little clear soup. Wednesday morning Jesse slipped out of the room without waking me and I slept nonstop until dinner time. I ate a little and told Jesse that I finally felt like I was getting a bit better. I took two sleeping pills and nodded off again by seven thirty. By Thursday noon I was feeling almost normal. However, I was still weak so I again took two pills and went to sleep. This way I figured I would be feeling somewhat OK when Jesse got home from school.
A was gently awakened by a hand playing with my hair. I felt the fingers twirling my locks around in a circle. "Jesse?" I moaned. "Hi there!" an unfamiliar voice said. I nearly jumped out the window as I yelled "AAAHHHHHH!!!!!" I was answered by another voice screaming "AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" right along with me. As I scrambled to a sitting position I found myself starring into two wide-open brown eyes framed with white blond hair. I sat blinking as Jesse ran into the room "What? What?" he cried, looking at me then at the boy. I calmed down at Jesse presence and then I recognized who it was starring at me from the foot of my bed.
TJ was still open mouthed and wide eyed when I blurted out "TJ! What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap out of me!"
"I.. I'mmm........ sorry....." he said softly. The scare suddenly brought me to tears as I felt the fear of being raped again wash over me. I started to cry softly. TJ looked at Jesse as if to say "I'm sorry!" I stifled my tears and looked up. "I brought TJ home to see you" Jesse said and smiled at me. I looked at the wide eyed youth. It seemed as if he might cry, so I put out my arms and said "Come here TJ". The boy practically dove into my arms and began saying "I'm so sorry, Andy! I thought you were awake". "OK, OK!" I hugged him "I'm awake now!" I said. Then he leaned over and kissed me! Right in front of my boyfriend! I heard Jesse giggling.
Then I sat up quickly in the bed and listened "CAR!" I said. It wasn't the heavy thundering of the Shelby or the Firebird, nor was it Mary's Mustang. TJ suddenly sprang to his feet. "Daniel!" he cried and started jumping about "Yea, Daniel!" he continued. I heard a knock then the front door opened "Hello?!" Daniel called.
"Danny!" TJ shouted and ran out the bedroom door. Jesse and I looked at each other and said "boyfriends!" "Hey, TJ!" Daniel called out. We could hear giggling and lip sucking sounds as footsteps approached the bedroom. TJ stepped through the doorway pulling Daniel along by the hand.
The three of us sat in our bedroom listening to the stereo and talking for a long time. I was talking to TJ about Daniel and how I'd met him when TJ said "I saw you before Daniel met you and Jesse."
"Where?" I asked. He giggled and said "I used to ride my bike past the front of the High School last year. It's was on the way from the Junior High School to my house. I saw you when school would let out and you'd be walking to that Doug guy's car. I would sit on my bike and watch you until you drove away with him and Jesse." "How often did you do this?" I inquired. "Every day, beginning in late January."
I was shocked! He had been staring at me for that long and I hadn't noticed him? This seemed almost impossible. How could I have missed this beautiful boy staring at me?
"I never saw you. Where were you sitting?" I asked. He blushed and answered "Across the street, behind the retaining wall." "No wonder I didn't see you" I remarked.
"I was really sad over the summer" he continued. "I wanted school to start so bad so I could finally be at the same school with you. Then I heard about this" he said, running his soft fingertips over the scar on my cheek. For the first time I didn't flinch at it being touched.
He stared, almost studying it. "It's funny, but I think it makes you even sexier" he stated. I didn't mind as he continued running his fingers down the length of the scar and back.
Later that night I got out of bed to eat and have a few drinks. I had Orange juice and Tequila as usual, so TJ tried it as well. He was drunk after only two! TJ drunk was pure comedy! He told really dumb jokes and giggled at everything until he passed out with his head and shoulders lying across my chest. I was stroking his hair, looking at his sleeping face when Daniel leaned over to me and said "Please be his friend, Andy. He's very delicate and fragile emotionally. He was raped too." This disclosure brought tears to my eyes. How could anyone rape such a perfect, beautiful boy as TJ? The thoughts whirled in my head as I looked at him. "Andy?" Jesse said "I think it would be good for TJ if you'd let him be close to you. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT letting him have you! You're mine ALWAYS! But he's got some real deep hurt inside and I think he needs you as a friend right now."
Daniel chimed in, saying "He IS MY boyfriend, but Jesse's right! I KNOW he needs you. If he's ever going to recover, he needs someone who's suffered the same to open him up and get his feelings out. Will you do it for me, as a friend?" I looked at Daniel and then at Jesse.
"You know what I'm thinking don't you?" I asked Jesse.
"If it beings to interfere with you and me, it stops right then." he answered. I nodded yes and Jesse sighed with relief. "God, I'm glad you're faithful to us." Jesse smiled, looking very relieved. Daniel reached over and stroked his boyfriend's hair.
"He's really a mess inside, Andy. I don't want you to get the idea this will be easy. I want him to heal, to be whole and in one piece. I love him, Andy....... "
After saying this to me, Daniel lost it and began to cry. Jesse threw his arms around him and hugged tightly. I thought to myself 'Jesse's going to have a mess on his hands as well'. It seemed fitting for Jesse, who was victimized by guilt for feeling he was not able to have prevented my attack was now comforting Daniel who felt the exact same way with TJ.
Then I thought of the fact that I was to be comforting TJ about the same thing that I suffered. "Guys" I spoke softly "I love all of you. We'll get through this together"...........
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.........Here is where I end 'Our First Time Together'. There is of course much more to tell, but I'm saving that for another time.
In Terry Julians' (TJ) story, "Anything to Turn You On..." he picks our story up three years after 'Our First Time Together' ends. His chronicle details our life together since 1972. I hope you will read his account as well. Thank you for reading this. I hope to someday have 'The Prince of Main Street' published in it's complete form so that you may read the rest of it.
In closing, I wish to say that without the pioneering research of Dr. Mary Dahlinger, it is possible that Homosexuality would STILL be classified as a pathological form of mental illness. For those who are too young to recall and for those who may have forgotten, this IS the way it was up until 1974 in the United States. I fear that my first boyfriend, Jesse Dahlinger, was the victim of those laws or perhaps an even worse fate.
It is possible that following Marys death (in April of 1971), Jesse was committed (in June of 1971) to a private mental institution by his OWN FATHER!
In those days, his Father (a Doctor himself) could've had Jesse committed for LIFE . What was Jesse's' crime, I ask you?
He was guilty of falling in love with another human being who loved him dearly and still misses him every single day..........
Andrew Simon van Ryan
PLEASE NOTE
The American Psychiatric Association up until 1973, designated homosexuality as a pathological form of behavior. The Association lifted its claim that homosexuality is abnormal in 1974, and now maintains that there is no scientific evidence to suggest homosexuality is a mental illness or disorder.
Furthermore, scientific research has shown homosexuality to be a naturally occurring variation within Normal Human Sexuality and is common to an estimated 15%+/- of the population.