- A special thank you to all the people that responded
**Disclaimer: This story is in no way signifying anything about the sexuality of certain celebrities mentioned in this story. I do not know N Sync, or the BackStreet Boys. It is just a work of fiction. And by the way, if you're under 18 years of age, offended by homosexuality, and blah, blah, blah, you should leave.
Out Here On My Own, Chapter 2: Things Aren't Always What They Seem:
The first three weeks of rehearsal went over somewhat smoothly. I was gradually getting over Tre, and Meghan and I had made pretty good friends with Both N Sync, and the BackStreet Boys. More so with the BackStreet Boys than N Sync though. It was painfully obvious to everybody that Sheena hated us, and at the moment, Sheena was the only one that hated us. It was not February 6, 2001, and my birthday was coming up. It was just about time to break for dinner.
"Okay ya'll, let's break for dinner!" Fatima yelled, receiving a small round of cheers, and sighs of relief from everybody. I waltzed over to Meghan, Amy, and one of Sheena's friends named Valerie.
"Where to for dinner?" I asked as I twirled around the girls.
"Anywhere! I'm freakin' hungry, and Sheena's workin' my nerves!"
"Damn right! That girl is up on my nerves like Oprah on a Christmas ham!" I laughed.
"Wait! What are you talking about Mary? Aren't you going to dinner with lover-boy tonight?"
"What are you talking about?" I played coy.
"Don't even act like that peaches, we see the way he looks at you, and the way you look at him!" Amy smiled.
"Girl! Nothin' is goin' on between us!"
"Nothing's going on between who?" A male's voice asked from behind. I jumped a little in shock. I turned around quickly.
"Oh! I was just telling the girls here that nothing is going on between us. And that we're just friends." I said in their direction hoping they would take the hint.
"Nothing?" J.C. said faking shock. "Nothing isn't what you call spending the night in my room last night! And friends don't do what we did!" I gasped, as the girls started laughing. My shock was because there was truth in what J.C. had said. I stayed in his room, and have been for the past two weeks, but we hadn't done anything more than kiss.
He wanted to go further, but I wouldn't. "Nah! I'm just kidding, let's go to dinner." J.C.
smiled as he threw his arm over my shoulder.
"Oh! I was right!" Meghan laughed as she threw her hands up in the air. The other girls began to laugh right along with her.
"Right about what?" J.C. asked. I moved his arm from around my shoulder, and grabbed his hand.
"Let's just go." I groaned as I dragged J.C. away.
I stepped out from the bathroom, and walked towards the bed of J.C.'s room. I sat down next to J.C., and he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek lightly.
"Today was a good rehearsal. What were you and Brian laughing about though during break?" J.C. asked.
"Nothin'. We were just talking about you." I smiled.
"Oh. Good I hope." J.C. giggled.
"Of course!" I laughed.
"Jake, I want to ask you something."
"Sure, go ahead." I said. J.C. turned his body to face me, and he looked into my eyes.
"Do you wanna." J.C. looked down, and grabbed my hands. He looked back up at me.
"Do I wanna what?"
"Do you wanna have sex?"
"I. I don't know J.C. Sex is a big deal, it's a really big deal to me."
"I know. Look Jake, I really, really like you a lot." J.C. looked right into my eyes.
"And I really, really like you a lot too, but like isn't love, and when I do have sex for the first time, I want him to love me as much as I love him." I said softly. J.C. reached up and stroked my cheek.
"I love you Jake." J.C. said sincerely. My eyes began to tear up at the words. Tre never said 'The L Word' to me. "Why are you crying?"
"Nobody has ever said that to me." I sniffled. "Well. People have, but I've never believed anyone who's said it to me."
"Well believe me." J.C. smiled sincerely.
"I do." We sat in silence holding hands for a few minutes.
"Can I kiss you?" J.C. asked. My tears stopped.
"Since when have you asked?" I giggled.
The sun forced it's light through the thick curtains of J.C. Chasez's hotel room. I blinked my eyes open, and found myself still cuddled up to J.C. I looked up at J.C. to see him looking back at me.
"Hi." J.C. smiled.
"Hi."
"How do you feel?"
"I'm really sore. But I'll be okay later." I smiled.
"Did I hurt you?"
"It hurt a lot at first, but it stopped after a while."
"We'd better get ready to go to rehearsal."
Rehearsal wasn't going over very smoothly, I slipped, and fell several times. It was very upsetting for me. I hated messing up, and I was really frustrated, and upset.
During the first break, I ran into the bathrooms, and sat in the stall and started crying. I was crying softly, and suddenly, two familiar voices entered the bathroom.
"So tell me what happened J.C." The voice asked.
"You know what happened Joey." J.C. said back. I quieted down to find out what they were talking about. "I thought he was gonna be easier than that, but he's all emotional and shit." I covered my mouth in shock; my heart was broken yet again.
"What do you mean?" Joey asked back.
"He's a crier, and he has problems."
"Like what kind of problems?"
"He has scars on his lower stomach area, he says he cuts himself when he gets upset, or stressed or whatever. I don't believe him though. I think he does it for attention." J.C.
laughed. A sharp pain shot through my stomach, but I kept quiet. I had to hear what else J.C. had to say about me.
"Oh, he's one of those." Joey laughed. "So how are you gonna break it off."
"I dunno, I'll think of something. I'll just say something like, we're not right for each other, and we'd be better off as friends. Or some bull shit." J.C. laughed loudly. "Come on Joe, let's get back to the guys. I wonder where Jake is?" He said as he and Joey exited the bathroom. At this point, I was crying uncontrollably. I stood up, and grabbed my head. I slammed my head against the door, and cried loudly. My whole body was tense, and I was freaking out. I put my hands in my pockets looking for something sharp to find I only had my car keys with me. 'Shit! I guess this'll have to work.' I thought to myself. I unbuttoned my pants, and slid them down. I closed my eyes tightly, pushed one of the keys into my skin really hard, and slid it across my skin about an inch. As soon as I did, my whole body relaxed, and my cut was bleeding. I reached for some toilet paper, and rolled it up. I placed it over the cut, and pulled my underwear, and pants up over it, so it would hold it there tightly. 'I can't do this. I need to get out of this. I can't be on this tour.' I thought to myself again. I walked out of the stall, and looked up the mirror. 'Don't let them hurt you Jakob.' I took a deep breath, stood tall, and walked out of the bathroom. J.C. was standing with his back towards me, and he was talking to Justin, Joey, and Brian. I began my walk over to him.
"What's wrong Mary?" Meghan asked as she ran up to me. I ignored her and kept walking. I got to J.C., and tapped him on the back. I faked a smile as soon as he turned around.
"Oh, hi Jake, what's up?" J.C. asked happily.
"Nothing." I yelled dropping my facial expression. I pulled back my right leg, and kicked him in his crotch as hard as I could. "And nothing's gonna be up for a long time bitch!" I screamed as J.C. fell to the floor. "You fucking bitch! I can't believe you! Well you know what. I quit. And I'll show you something else." I said as I slid my pants down over the cut. I pulled off the toilet paper, and showed J.C. as he looked up from his fetal position on the floor. "This is because of you." The toilet paper had a lot of blood on it, so I folded it over, and placed it back. "Yeah, I'm some faker? Starved for attention, huh? Well fuck you!" I yelled. I turned around, and grabbed my dance bag, and left. I drove to the hotel, and hurried up to my room. I pulled my cell-phone out of my bag, and dialed my Moms work number.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mom, I just wanted to tell you that I quit the tour, and I'll be back in Redlands some time tonight."
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened, it's just too stressful for me." I said into the phone.
"Does that mean you're going back to school?"
"Yeah Mom, it does."
"Good!" My Mom said happily.
"I'll see you later Mom." I laughed into the phone.
"Okay, come by and visit today."
"Alright, I'll be there tonight."
"Bye."
"Bye Mom." I hung up the phone, and sat down on my bed. "I can't believe he did this to me. He said he loved me." I told myself out loud. "That's what I get for trusting another man." I scolded myself. There was a knock at the door. "Go away!" I yelled.
"It's me, Lance."
"What do you want?" I yelled back.
"I want to talk to you, please let me in." Lance pleaded. I sighed deeply.
"Fine." I said as I walked over to the door. I opened the door, and someone rush through the door, but it wasn't Lance. As soon as the body rushed past me, into my room, I whipped my head in the direction of the door to see Lance standing there, I looked behind me, and there was J.C. "What are you doing here?" I yelled.
"I need to talk to you." J.C. said quickly.
"I'm not talking to you."
"I. I'd better go, I was just supposed to get J.C. in here to talk to you." Lance said as he closed the door.
"Please! Just listen to me damn it!"
"No J.C.! I was in the bathroom when you were talking to Joey; I heard everything you said. Everything about me being a crier, and starved for attention!"
"I never said you were starved for attention!"
"No, but you said I cut myself for attention!" I yelled. I walked over, and started packing my stuff. "J.C., I have a problem, and you saying that made it worse." I finished packing my stuff, lifted my bag, handed my key to J.C., picked up my backpack, and looked at J.C. "I believed you, trusted you, loved you, and still do. I'll see you when I see you." I kissed J.C. on the cheek, and left the room. I started my walk down the hallway, when I saw Lance. I tried to walk past him without him noticing me, but he did.
"Jake, where are you going?" He asked as he ran up to me. I stopped my walk.
"I quit, so I'm going home."
"You're not going. Please stay." Lance pleaded. "Come to my room so we can talk.
Please." I sighed deeply.
"I really have to go." I argued.
"Just come talk to me." Lance smiled sweetly.
"Fine." I said angrily. Lance grabbed my bags from my hands, and carried them into his room. I followed Lance in, and sat on his bed. Lance set down my bags, and came and sat next to me. "So talk."
"Look Jake, I didn't know that J.C. was going to do this. But I do know that he really likes you a lot."
"If he likes me a lot, why would he have done what he did to me?"
"I don't know. I didn't get the whole story though. I just know what he did to you."
"I guess I should tell you, so that you know what all is going on. I'm gonna start talking, and I want you just to listen."
"Alright." Lance agreed.
"Recently, my boyfriend dumped me, and J.C. was the one there to comfort me. So, he stayed in my room with me, and held me, to make sure I was okay, but like, before all that though, when I was changing, I took off my shirt, and turned around for some reason, and he saw cuts on my stomach. So I had to confess to him that when I get really frustrated, or angry, that I cut myself a few times, until it goes away. And I also had to confess that Tre used to hit me when he got mad. So, when he talked to Joey in the bathroom, he said that he thought I was just doing it for attention. And not to mention that he also took my virginity from me. And then laughed it off like it was nothing in front of Joey." Lance just sat there in shock.
"I didn't know about all that. So what did you do after he left?"
"Well, I cried a lot, and I cut myself again."
"Oh my god Jake, how bad?"
"I'll show you." I said softly. I stood up, and pulled my pants low. I took off the toilet paper, and showed Lance the cut.
"Oh my god! You need stitches!" Lance yelled loudly.
"Lance, I'm gonna be fine. I've cut myself worse than this before, and I didn't need stitches, I'll be fine."
"Jake, you need to talk to J.C." Lance said. I put the toilet paper back on again, and pulled my pans back up to my waist.
"I don't want to, and I have to get going soon."
"Jake, please don't go. Just stay with us, and everything will be okay. But I want you to talk to J.C." Lance pleaded.
"Lance, you know I can't do that."
"Please, do it for me." Lance pleaded again.
"Ugh! Fine! When do you want me to talk to him?" I finally caved in.
"Right now, we're going to his room, and you're going in and talking to him."
"What about rehearsals?"
"Fatima let us out early. Very early, J.C. was hurting, Justin didn't feel well, and we all wanted to get some rest."
"Where's Meghan?"
"Meghan is out with Amy, and Valerie. That girl is pretty cool just as long as she stays away from Sheena."
"Hah, yeah I know."
"Well. Let's go talk to J.C."
"Fine." I said softly.
We exited Lance's room, and walked down the hall to J.C.'s. Lance knocked on the door, and J.C. answered.
"Hi." J.C. said softly.
"Hi J.C."
"You two are going to talk, whether you want to or not." Lance said as he pushed me into the room, and slammed the door.
"Jake, come on over, and sit down." J.C. said as he turned around, and walked towards the bed.
"Alright Josh." I said quietly. J.C. snapped his head back at me.
"Why did you call me that? You never call me that." J.C. sat down on his bed.
"I like it better." I said as I sat down by J.C.
"Oh."
"So what did you want to talk to me about?"
"I want you to stay on the tour. You can't quit just because of me."
"Yes I can."
"Jake, I'm begging you, stay on the tour, and finish this out. I'm sorry about what I did to you, and if you don't stay, we have to get rid of one of the girls, and it most likely will be Meghan."
"You're trying to make this difficult for me, aren't you?" I asked angrily. I didn't want Meghan to have to leave because of me.
"No, I just don't want you to leave over something stupid."
""Something stupid?" I yelled. I stood to my feet. "Something stupid? Fuck you! I totally spilled my guts to you, I told you things I don't even tell Meghan, and I showed you my cuts. And you made a mockery of it, and you call it something stupid? You took my fucking virginity you piece of shit!"
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?" He asked in aggravation.
"You know what? I am staying on the tour, but I don't want you to look at me, talk to me, or even think about me. Just leave me alone. Now give me my fucking key so I can get back to my room." I demanded. J.C. pulled it out of his pocket, and threw it at me. I picked up the card from the floor, and stomped out of the room.
Jake's Birthday: "Come on Jake, we need to celebrate! You're 18 years old today! We already planned something for you anyway." Brian Littrell said. We were at lunch at the hotel restaurant; Brian, A.J., Howie, and Justin were there.
"Yeah, no matter what you say, you're coming with us whether you like it or not." Justin smiled. I sighed deeply.
"Who else is gonna be there?"
"Everybody." Howie said cheerfully.
"Everybody? All the other dancers?" I asked.
"Yep." A.J. as excited as the others.
"Um, yeah, no. I'd rather go out on a date with Pat Buchanan than spend a few hours with that psycho bitch, Sheena." I said not so enthused as the others.
"Oh, no. Sheena isn't coming, I don't think so." A.J. laughed again.
"So I'm guessing you didn't invite Josh either, right?" I asked hopefully.
"Unfortunately. Yes. Are you two still bitching at each other?" Brian asked.
"He gives me dirty looks every now and then. I feel like shit." I complained.
"Why?" They all asked in unison.
"Because. I still love him, I think. I don't want him to be there, it will be really uncomfortable for me."
"He said that he's gonna come, so just hang out with us and you'll be fine." Justin smiled. "It would be nice if he could actually acknowledge your presence."
"Thanks a lot." I said sarcastically.
"It's not so bad. You'll be fine. So yeah, so what's up with you and Lance?" Brian asked.
"Huh?" A.J. asked.
"What?" Howie asked.
"Yeah, something is up between you two." Justin laughed.
"Nothing is going on." I giggled.
"Yeah, okay. You've only been spending every waking moment with either him, or Meghan, and we know Meghan doesn't excite you." A.J. smiled.
"Nothing is going on, he's just been a good listener. It's great to have more than one person to talk to about you problems. He's been the one there to help me out."
"I guess. Just promise me that you will at least try to have fun tonight." Justin pleaded.
"I promise." I giggled.
Happy Birthday? :
The music was blasting through the club, and everybody was dancing, at the bar, or at our table. I was dancing on the dance floor with Justin, and Lance.
"Let's go get something to drink!" Justin yelled over the music.
"I'm too young, remember?" I yelled back.
"You're with us, remember? We got you covered." Lance laughed. We walked over to the bar, and Lance ordered three margaritas, and we went back to the table. It was reserved for us, and we were the only three there at the moment. We all sat down, and talked for a few moments.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom." Justin said as he set his drink down, and stood.
"I'm going too." Lance said as he stood. "You wanna come to?" He joked.
"Nah, I'll be fine by myself." I laughed. Justin and Lance left to the bathroom, and I sat there alone. I looked down into my glass as I sipped from it.
"Hi." A familiar voice said softly, but loud enough for me to hear it over the music. I looked up from my drink to see J.C. standing over me.
"Hi Josh." I said as I looked back down.
"Can I sit here?" He asked.
"It's a free country, do whatever the hell you want." I said coldly.
"Thanks." J.C. took a seat. "Happy 18th birthday."
"Thank you."
"I'm sorry about what happened, and everything I've said. I just didn't want your birthday to go over with me still ignoring you, and not treating you like a real person. So I'm sorry."
"Josh." I looked up at him. "You know I love you."
"I know. And I want us to be friends."
"Okay." I said softly as my heart broke again. I wanted more than to be just friends with J.C., he meant so much to me even through all that I've had to go through with him.
"Thanks Jake. You're the greatest." J.C. kissed me on the cheek, and left. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. I had J.C. back as a friend, but I didn't have him back the way I wanted him. After a few more hours of dancing, we went back to the hotel.
Everybody wished me a happy birthday, and gave me a card. I didn't open them all; I'd open them the next day. I went back to my room, and put my headphones on so I could listen to my favorite CD. I skipped to my favorite song, and sung very loudly.
And now I'm all alone again, Nowhere to turn, No one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near, Now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him, and them I'm happy with the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed, Now I can live inside my head.
On my own, Pretending he's beside me.
All alone, I walk with him till morning.
Without him, I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me.
In the rain, The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness, The trees are full of starlight.
And all I see is him and me, Forever and forever.
And I know, It's only in my mind.
That I'm talking to myself, And not to him.
And although, I know that he is blind.
Still I say, 'There's a way for us!' I love him, But when the night is over, He is gone.
The river's just a river.
Without him, The world around me changes.
The trees are bear, and everywhere The streets are full of strangers.
I love him! But everyday I'm learning.
All my life, I've only been pretending.
Without me, His world will go on turning.
The world is full of happiness That I have never known.
I love him, I love him, I love him, But only on my own.
Singing really loudly has always been a way of releasing stress; it was 2:00 am, and I sung loudly without thinking. There was suddenly a knock on my door. I pulled my headphones off of my ears, and answered the door.
"Um. Hi." I said softly.
"You were singing really loud, could you quiet down a bit." He asked.
"I'm sorry Josh."
"Jake. I. I want to talk to you."
"Sure, but do you want to put some pants on?" I asked him. He was standing in my doorway only wearing his boxer-briefs.
"Nah, you've seen me naked before, this isn't so bad." J.C. laughed as he reached down, and snapped the strap of his underwear.
"Come on in."
"Gladly." J.C. walked inside and sat on my bed. I sat down by him. He reached out, and grabbed my hand, which shocked me. "I've really been thinking, and. Well."
"Is something wrong?"
"I want to apologize for what I did to you. I know that I told you I loved you, and I lied.
And I know that I tore you to pieces. But."
"But what?" I asked sadly. My eyes began to water.
"But I like you Jakob. I like you very much, I though about it tonight, and for the past few days, and well. I want you to be with me." He sputtered out quickly with short pauses every now and then.
"What?"
"I want you to be with me." He said slowly. I started to cry harder.
"Josh, I love you. But I don't know if I love you enough to take a chance like that again.
I don't want to be hurt by you again." He looked down solemnly.
"Jakob. I need you. Rehearsals aren't fun without you there to talk to me, my bed is empty without you there to lay with me, and my heart is cold without you there to warm it with your beautiful smile."
"Oh Josh, why are you doing this to me? It's my birthday, I can't handle all this right now."
"Jake, if you don't want to be with me just tell me."
"I do want to be with you, I just don't want to be hurt by you again."
"I'll do anything you ask." He pleaded. "We can be like we were."
"Josh, I hate secret relationships. I want to be out in the open, I can't stand secrets."
"Jakob. I promise. I promise that if you'll be with me in secret, I'll tell the guys, dancers, and anybody else you want me to. I just can't tell the public."
"You'd really do that for me?" I asked. He shocked me with his words.
"Yes, just. It has to be secret for just a little while."
"How long is a little while?"
"I'm not sure babe, but please, will you be with me?"
"I. I don't know what to say." I said softly as my happiness returned to me. "I can't say anything but yes." I threw my arms around J.C.'s neck, and he wrapped his arms around my waist. I held him tightly for a long period of time. I pulled away from him slowly, and looked into his eyes again. "So what happens now?"
"I don't know; can I stay here with you?"
"I guess." I mumbled.
"Do you want me to sleep on the floor?"
"No, you can sleep in my bed with me if you want."
"Yes I want." J.C. smiled. I stood up, and stripped naked. "You have a beautiful body."
"Thank you." I said meekly. I walked over to the dresser, and put on a pair of briefs.
I walked into the bathroom, got ready for bed, and thought about what I had just committed to. I believed J.C., and I hoped my choice wasn't the wrong one. I walked out of the bathroom, turned off the lights, and got into bed with J.C. I snuggled up to J.C.'s chest, and he wrapped his arms around me tightly.
"Josh, you mean so much to me please tell me that I'm not making the wrong choice. I don't want to have my heart broken again."
"You aren't making the wrong choice."
"I hope not."
I wasn't sure, so I asked myself if he playing me, or wasn't he? I wasn't quite sure, so I decided to tiptoe around J.C., and hope for the best. The rest of the night went over smoothly without any problems. J.C. and I talked a bit longer, and I made a promise that if I needed to talk to him because I was really stressed, or upset, to get him any time, and he'd drop everything to be there so I don't hurt myself again. This February 11th was definitely going to be one that I'd remember forever.
***Thank you people who responded so much. Responses are good.... CutieDancr likes responses. Anyway, it'd be nice if I got one to this little chapter. So yeah, thank ya for reading, and I hope to hear from ya'll soon!
CutieDancr01@noahsmom.com
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