Overlap

Overlap By Joan Banks

Dilemma

Blearily, I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the alarm clock. The dawn light was starting to creep into our bedroom as I looked to the table on my side of the bed. I was a little embarrassed by what I saw.

I saw my side of the bed.

Apparently I had taken over my husbands' pillow. Being the saint that he was, he obviously went to the couch to sleep. He is so good to me.

Back to the clock.

Seven AM! I was at least an hour behind schedule! I still had the kids to feed, ironing to do and a husband to get out the door. Carpool! I forgot the carpool! It was my morning to drive the kids to school. I would never make it.

I threw the covers off and aimed for the bathroom. I inherited my mothers' bladder. If I don't pee first thing in the morning I run the risk of a childish accident. Of all the things to get from my mother why couldn't I have at least got her wonderful legs? Anyway, I aimed for the bathroom.

And missed.

The door to the bathroom wasn't there. This wasn't my bedroom.

I was disoriented. Were we on vacation? Staying with family? Often when we stay in a hotel there is that moment when you forget where you are. It was like that.

Only this wasn't a hotel.

The bathroom was on the wrong side of the bed. I noticed that these pajamas were feeling a little scratchy. I must have borrowed Bobs' shirt. It felt like he hadn't washed it in months. I throw it in the wash whenever I can, but he wants to where the same shirt every night and fusses like our little Billy whenever he doesn't have it to wear.

Then what am I doing wearing it. I was groggy, that was for sure. Did we have to be anywhere? I was completely confused. I turned on the water in the sink. Maybe a little cool water on my face would help. My face felt scratchy too. Did I leave a facial mask on all night? Great, just great, now I have to deal with a red face all day too. I hope I brought plenty of foundation. Oh well, time to asses the damage. I looked into the mirror.

I screamed.

And fainted.

I was flat on my back on a cold tile floor.

Was it raining?

"Wake up honey." A woman was frantically saying. "Please wake up! James, bring me the phone! Come on, Ray, wake up."

I opened my eyes. A pretty woman, early thirties, dark hair, and green eyes that I would kill to have was splashing cold water on my face. At my first movement she hugged me furiously.

"Are you okay honey? Can you sit up?" She tugged at me ineffectually. I sat up and pushed myself against the wall.

"Ow." I rubbed my head. I wasn't surprised that my shoulder length hair was gone, replaced by a crew cut of some sort. I wanted to cry at the loss of my beautiful hair, it was one of my best features.

"Is Dad okay?" A little boy stood at the door to the bathroom. He was about seven, just a little younger than my own Billy. Where's Billy? My baby! I started to cry. I wanted my baby.

"He's fine, Jimmy." She said, "Now go get ready for school."

"Okay Mom." He plodded off without a word to me. The woman turned back. I was getting a handle on my tears, dabbing at them with a tissue from the counter.

"Honey?" The woman was looking at me strangely. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." My voice came out strangely as if I couldn't even use my own voice. I sounded like a boy going through puberty.

"I'm fine." I said again. This time I let my voice decide on which register to use. Baritone, ugh!

"Mom, I can't find my shirt!" the little boys voice called. I almost answered.

"It's on your dresser!" the woman yelled back.

"I can't find it!" She turned back to me.

"Are you okay?" she asked. I nodded. She gave me a quick kiss and stood to go help the child. I stood, albeit shakily. I looked back into that mirror.

The face was grotesque. Covered in beard-fur, bulky and too big. I looked like a mountain man.

"My name is Laurie Jensen. I am the wife of Bob Jensen and the mother of Billy."

It sounded ridiculous coming from my male face.

I cried.

Coping

The woman didn't return for quite some time. Noticing that this body really smelled bad, I decided to shower.

Every inch of this body was covered in fur. It was really disgusting. I wanted to grab the shaver that was in the shower and just start hacking away at it but it looked like a four-hour job at least. I scrubbed and scrubbed and it seemed like the smell was going away.

When the water started to cool, I got out.

"I put your clothes on the bed." The woman said. "Now clear out of the bathroom. I have to get ready."

I was standing in the bathroom with the hair drier in my hand. She giggled and took it from me.

"Like you need this." She laughed. She grabbed a washcloth and rubbed it over my head. "There, all dry." She kissed me again and pushed me out of the room.

The clothes were ridiculously simple a polo shirt and Dockers. The shirt had a logo on it (VR Immersion). The colors really didn't go together but I was not going to fight things.

I felt really silly having to adjust my ... thing when I put on the underwear. I always wondered why me were fiddling down there all the time. There was really no comfortable position to put it.

Feeling a little uncomfortable being dressed without a bra I left to find the kitchen. I was ravenously hungry.

"Uh Dad?" Jimmy's voice came from the living room. "You're walking funny."

"What? Oh." I was walking with my hands above my waist. My gesture was decidedly feminine. I dropped my arms to my sides and tried to walk in a manly fashion. I think it worked but Jimmy was still laughing.

A bowl a cereal was on the table and a cup of coffee. I sat and started in.

The first bowl didn't satisfy me at all. I poured a second bowl. I read through the mail. Ray and Lisa Davis. At least I knew her name now.

Lisa walked into the living room, dressed for the office.

"How do I look?" She spun around. "Not bad for a girl whose husband hogs the bathroom?"

"You look great Lisa." I said, the unfamiliar name tripping on my tongue a little. "You might want to rethink the earrings. For your face shape you should go for something a little more...." I stopped talking. She was staring at me with the strangest look.

I shouldn't know about these things. I'm a man. I shut up about it.

"You look great." I said, knowing that a rounder earring would really look better.

I finished my second bowl.

"I think I'm going to call in sick today." I told her, rubbing the bump on my head.

"Like hell you are." A man's voice came from the entryway. "I don't care if you have the plague. You aren't missing today." He turned to Jimmy "Hi Jim."

A young good-looking man walked into the living room. He messed Jimmys' hair up.

"Hi Josh." Jimmy said, still concentrating on his cartoons.

"Now get you ass out of that chair and lets go run this test again." Josh said. "And this time you get it right."

"When exactly are you going to let me in on this big secret?" Lisa asked Josh, giving him a sisterly hug.

"Real soon, if you husband gets it right." He replied. Josh grabbed the briefcase next to the door and signaled me with a head jerk. "Come on."

Realization

The ride to the office was almost quiet. On some deeper level I wanted to make small talk but I had heard that men are more comfortable with silences. I sat.

I was in the same city. San Ramon was a quiet town a good distance north of Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley was where we were headed.

Traffic was at a near standstill. I really wanted to talk. I didn't know what to say without sounding crazy, or worse. Josh swore and peeled onto the shoulder. He took an exit and we spent a crazy drive taking every back road in the book.

Josh really seemed pissed. Hoping I didn't sound like an idiot, I broke the silence.

"Something wrong?" I asked, tentatively.

"After yesterday you have the nerve to ask that?" he snapped "And you wanted to back out today? What're you trying to do, bankrupt us?"

"I don't understand." That was the truth. I was trying to watch my hands, avoiding overtly feminine gestures. The hair on the body was really starting to itch. It was probably psychosomatic but I felt like I was wearing a carpet.

"You didn't enter the scenario. You chose to abort the test yesterday. You might have ruined everything. Do you understand now?" He sneered his last sentence.

"No." I answered truthfully.

"You still on that power spike theory of yours? It was perfectly safe, I tell you! If I could have done it yesterday I would have but everything is keyed to YOU." Josh was pissed. He took a deep breath and spoke softer.

"The guys have been working all night. They have your line conditioners installed. You better make it longer than a minute this time or I'll kill you myself."

I thought it was better not to reply.

These people don't like me. That was the first thing I noticed. Every person we passed glared at me. I tried to stare straight ahead and ignore it.

I though I heard snickering behind me.

Josh held the door and ushered me into a lab.

Five techs were standing inside working furiously on test equipment. In the center of the room was a chair. It looked like an electrocution was about to take place. Mine.

They stopped working and stared at me. They were the same derisive stares that everyone else was giving.

"Well?" Josh snapped. He was standing by the chair, gesturing for me to sit down.

It was all happening too fast. An experiment happened here, one that went terribly wrong. I'm all for peace and unity, but I'm not stupid.

"Why don't you explain things to me?" I said. There was a collective groan around the room. Two of the techs exchanged money. A bet was lost.

"Fine." Josh snarled. "These are the line conditioners that you requested." He pointed to two small boxes on the floor. "We still cannot confirm the power spikes you reported but here they are. You sit in the chair. You get full control of the experiment. The switch on the left energizes the system. If you hold it down and throw the switch on the right you enter the system. Do you really want more?"

This was getting dangerous but maybe I could be myself again if I went through with it.

"Where did we stop?" I asked. Josh was really getting pissed now.

"YOU stopped, you mean? You energized the system but only entered the system for about a less than a minute. Not even through the initialization. You chickened out." Josh held the cables that were attached to the seat. "The question is....will you chicken out again?"

I really hate this macho shit.

"I have to pee." I said. More money changed hands.

"You won't mind if we follow you, then." Josh said, "That's what you said yesterday."

Josh followed me to the rest room. I walked towards a stall.

"I thought you said you had to piss." Josh said. I know a stall was a mistake.

"I do." I went into the stall anyway. I lowered my pants and sat down. My legs felt wet. What kind of asshole pees on the seat? I stood back up and tried to used toilet paper to try to dry both myself and the seat. Smelly and disgusted, I sat back down.

What was I getting into? If Ray didn't want to do this, then why should I? I don't know anything about this contraption. I don't even know what it does, for heavens' sake.

I thought about Billy for a moment. My baby needs his momma. I would move heaven and hell for him. Finishing my business, I stood up. My underwear felt a little damp against my....well...penis apparently I didn't use it right.

"Let's go." I told Josh and led him back into the lab.

I sat in the chair without any preamble. The techs quickly hooked up medical monitoring devices while Josh led the main lead. He lowered the executioners cap over my head.

Everyone in the room was all smiles now. I did, however, see the two gamblers holding more money to trade.

"Your vitals are off." A voice came from behind a console. "You're tense."

"No kidding." I replied. Everyone laughed a nervous laugh.

Josh hooked up the main lead to the chair. Taking a deep breath I hit the left button. It took a decent amount of pressure to hold it down. There was a hum of energy in the equipment and a light buzzing in the headpiece.

"Any power spikes?" Josh was all business now. The tone of animosity in his voice was gone.

"None that I can tell." I said truthfully. What does a power spike feel like?

"Just hit the other switch and enter the grid." He said and looked at his watch, "Any time now."

The two gamblers held their money ready.

The techs within view all looked like they were sweating. The room was cool.

This is for you, Billy.

I hit the other switch.

Blackness. Blackness so bright that it hurt.

Silence. A quiet that ached to be filled.

Was I dead?

Suddenly the world was the same as it was before. I was standing in the lab but there was no one else there. I looked at my arms. They were still the hairy things I went into this experiment with.

How long was I gone? Did they abandon me?

Josh's voice came from everywhere and nowhere.

"Can you hear me?" He asked in an overpowering voice. I crumbled to the ground in the pain of the sound. I screamed.

"Sorry. Is that better?" He asked again. "Give me a thumbs up."

"Much."

"We can't hear you. Give us a count." He ordered. I shrugged. A what?

"You know. One, two, three...."

I started to count.

"We have you now." He said, "How does it look?"

"The lab? It looks empty. Where are you?"

"The lab simulation passes the visual test. Try the tactile."

"What?"

"Pick something up." He was sounding annoyed. I grabbed a clipboard from the table.

"It's a clipboard." I said. I spent the next few minutes proving to him it was, indeed, a clipboard.

"You never answered." I said, "Where are you?"

"I never moved. Did you forget the experiment altogether? We have to test the engrams."

"Test them all you want. Where are you?"

"You are in a virtual world, Ray. Do you remember that much at least?" I had heard about virtual reality, of course, but I thought it was only for video games. I stammered an agreement.

For the next bit of forever they put me through the paces. Jumping, running, eating drinking, and anything they threw at me.

"We have to check the data now." Josh said, "Come on out."

"How?"

"The red button on your belt." He said, happiness in his voice "Don't you even listen when we brief you?"

On my belt there was a small red button attached to a pager. I pressed it.

After a moment of disorientation I found myself sitting back in the chair. The hum of energy was still in the equipment. I released the left button and the humming stopped.

The room broke out in a cheer. The hatred that these people felt for me was apparently gone. I was now a hero. The experiment was a success. Josh and the med tech released me from the chair.

Champagne corks popped and there were hugs and tears all around.

"Come on, old buddy." Josh said, slapping me on the shoulder "The cake's a day old, but I'm sure it's still good."

There were parties everywhere but I had no idea what had just happened. I faced a possible death to reunite with my baby and failed.

I was still a man.

The crew joined us in the conference room a few minutes later. The entire building was giddy with happiness. One tech came up to me and took my pulse.

"There may be a problem with the reintegration process." He told me solemnly.

"What's that?" I asked. He looked at me like I had just asked what water was.

"Your personality reintegration." He said as if it explained something. I stared.

"Explain as if I knew nothing about this."

"Fine." We sat at the table. "When you go virtual we actually insert a copy of your personality into the machine." He drew a diagram. It meant nothing to me "In order have a memory of the process we have to copy that memory back into you." I nodded. It was still nonsense to me. "We prepare your mind for absorbing that information back in. Today when I compared the personality data with yesterday's baseline, it was dramatically different. Are you feeling okay?"

Numbly, I nodded. I knew what he was seeing. I was trapped in this body. Would these people think I was crazy if I told them?

Horror

"My hero!" Lisa kissed me full on the mouth. She was dressed up for a night on the town. Jimmy threw himself around my legs.

"Dad. Way to go!" I felt an upwelling of pride and I didn't know what I did.

"Who told...?"

"Josh called and told me that you saved the company. I am supposed to give you a night to remember." She resumed the kissing.

"What's wrong?" she asked, hurt, "Why won't you kiss me?"

I don't kiss women like that, I thought.

"I have a headache." I said. Hey, it used to work for me.

"I have just the thing." She took my hand and led me towards the bedroom. I saw the look in her eyes. I knew exactly what she had in mind. I pulled away.

"I have to go to the store." I said, grabbing the car keys. "I'll be right back."

"But...wait...I'll go." I left as fast as I could.

I pulled the car away and around the corner. I found a place to pull over and shut the engine off.

I started shaking. I could definitely not go through with that! I'm not a lesbian!

The body I was in felt differently. I felt the reaction when she led me down that hall. My penis was so hard it ached.

No! I can't sleep with a woman.

After a few moments of calming down (do erections ever go away?) I decided to flesh out my excuse and get something at the store.

In the McDonalds parking lot I saw something that made my heart stop.

My car. To be more correct it was my husbands' car. It was the one we took when the family went out.

What was he doing at McDonalds? Didn't he mourn my loss one bit? Billy and I were there just yesterday. Didn't he think it would remind him of me? I pulled into the lot and parked next to Bobs' car.

Screwing up my courage I went inside.

My heart soared as I saw Billy happily munching down his fries. My baby is all right. Bob sat across from him sloppily eating his own burger. Ketchup was about to spill onto his pants. How many times have I told him to take smaller bites?

"How many times have I told you to take smaller bites?" A woman's voice asked him. I turned to where the voice was coming from. She bustled past me and sat next to Billy.

It was me. I take it back, it was someone who looks like what I looked like yesterday.

I stood in the middle of the restaurant staring at my family. The imposter glanced up at me and said something to Bob. He glanced at me and stood.

"Can I help you?" he asked me.

"Bob, it's me!" I said. He had to know. He was my world, my soul mate.

"Do I know you?" he asked warily.

"It's me. Laurie! Your wife!" I gestured frantically at my chest.

My very...male chest.

"Uh...my wife is sitting right there. Sorry buddy, but you ain't her." Other men from the restaurant were standing. There was going to be a fight. I looked at the imposter, the whore who stole my family and my body. She looked horrified.

"Who are you?" I screamed at her "Why have you taken my family? My body?"

"That's it." Bob decked me. Every man in the restaurant helped.

The police were quick and efficient. They locked me up. I couldn't stop crying at the loss of my world.

Josh showed up the next morning. The police released me.

"I explained to the nice people you attacked," he said, "That you had a very traumatic incident but that you should be better now."

"But..."

"We paid them a nice settlement but we had to agree to keep you away from them. If you ever get near them again then you are back in jail. Do you understand?"

"But..." Josh looked at me harshly "I understand. Can we go home?"

"Lisa doesn't want to see you right now. We're going to the lab. Do you understand?"

"Why do you keep asking me that? I'm not an idiot."

"Last night you said you were that mans' wife. That doesn't sound too sane, does it? Do you under...."

"Say it again and I'll deck you."

"Fine, we're going to the lab."

"I want to go on the machine again." I had an idea.

"That's not a good idea. Reintegration is still..."

"Screw your reintegration. I want to see the parameters and run it myself or I don't play anymore. Do YOU understand?"

"Okay." He said, "But I don't have to like it."

A Wild Shot

"These are the parameters you want to use?" Josh was asking. His tone told me that he really did think I was crazy.

"Exactly those." I let them strap me back into the chair.

"He's calmer this time." The med tech said. Without any kind of signal whatsoever I initiated the sequence.

It was a calmer ride this time. I looked through the empty lab and then down at my body.

I smiled.

My slender feminine arms were attached to my equally feminine body. I breathed easy, this was right. If I did this right I would soon be myself again.

I triggered the release.

I wanted to scream. I was still my horribly male self. I had one more idea. I triggered the power up again.

I released it without entering the virtual world.

"Unhook me." I said. "Quick."

Josh and two others quickly released me from the chair.

My theory was that if I duplicated the mistake from the other day, then I might get my body back.

Nothing happened.

"This isn't fair!" I screamed. I started throwing things around the room. "I don't want to be stuck in this body of a MAN. I'm a woman, dammit!" My testosterone level must really be high, I thought, they couldn't control me. "I want my baby back. I want my husband!"

I didn't see the hypodermic coming. I blacked out.

Analysis

I woke up in a metal coffin. A horizontal cylinder surrounded me. I struggled at my bonds.

"Mrs. Jensen, please don't move. We're trying to help."

They called me Mrs. Jensen! They knew. Now I can get my life back.

I remained still.

I recognized the machine as a MRI. They were trying to find what was wrong with me.

I stayed blissfully still. I would be a woman again.

The entire day was full of testing. I never saw the same people twice. Some time later, Josh came in my room.

"Laurie, is it?" he brought flowers. I smiled.

"Yes. Thank God. Now you can fix this." I gestured at my body. He looked embarrassed.

"Josh, what happened?" He really looked embarrassed.

"When you...when Ray stopped the test on the first day he had energized the equipment."

"Go on."

"There were small power spikes that interrupted the process. You....he noticed it and called it off. The only thing is that part of the process was to prepare for reintegration. He was negatively charged for lack of a better term."

"I don't understand. Can you give me my body back?"

"That's just it. When you and he touched at McDonalds that night, your engrams overwrote his. His mind was accepting a perfect copy of yours."

"So he has mine, right"

"No, it was a one way copy. Your personality overwrote his. That's Rays body and Rays' mind. You are just the software."

"I refuse to listen to this. Put me back in my body!"

"This is your body, Ray. The trick is giving you back your mind. We have some ideas to use your baseline engram but we have no idea if it will work."

"I need to be myself again. I'm a wife, a mother! You wouldn't do this to a mother, would you?"

"Ray, in order for you to become yourself again Laurie has to be erased. We're years from being able to do that and I'm not sure we should. It would be killing you. I'm sorry."

"Sorry? I'll make you sorry!" Josh left as my tirade continued. Every time I woke I swore at something, at someone. No one would help.

Some time later there was a knock on the door. It was Lisa.

"Can I come in?" She asked tentatively.

"Sure." I said. This woman did nothing wrong. Jimmy pushed his way through the door. A nurse tried to restrain him and failed

"Dad? Are you okay?" The little boy asked me. His eyes looked so innocent. He reminded me of Billy.

"They say I'm healthy." He looked so much like Billy I wanted to cry.

"You get better, okay? You promised the A's game next week, remember?"

Of course I didn't remember. That wasn't me. He liked baseball. My Billy loved baseball.

He gave me a huge hug before the nurse led him out. Lisa remained behind. She was tearing up too.

"Should I call you Laurie, now?" she nearly cried the words.

"Call me what you like."

"Jimmy's worried about you."

"I don't really know Jimmy." I regretted the words as I said them.

"Call me Ray, if you want."

"Thank you. The doctor says you are healthy."

"Why did he tell you?" I snapped.

"I'm your wif..." she started to cry.

"I'm sorry. I just lost my family, too." I said.

"But you're still here!" She protested.

"Sorry. " she said, "I understand." She did understand. She sat there quietly for quite a while.

"I know you don't think you're my husband." She said. "But Jimmy thinks you are his father. As one mother to another you wouldn't want to take away a child's father?"

"No."

"Then will you come home?" she asked, scared of my answer.

"Home? It's not my home." I said.

"Yes it is. You're welcome there."

My family was gone. I wasn't even dead to them. I wasn't missing. I am no one.

"I need to be alone for awhile." She didn't leave.

"I'm not your husband." I said.

"I know." She had a little hope in her eyes. I didn't say anything more. She just stared at me, trying to see her husband inside.

"We'll be waiting."

I had no idea what I would do.

Acceptance

It was a week since Lisa came to the hospital. I tried to contact my old family. Laurie came to the hospital. I don't think that Bob wanted her to.

"Everything that you are, I am." I told her.

"Not everything." She said quietly.

"Is Billy okay?" I asked. She smiled a teary smile.

"He means everything to me." She said.

"I know." I was silent for a minute. "I know I can't be his mother anymore. Can I at least be an uncle?"

"That'd be nice. Ray." I started to cry again. I could see my baby!

We talked for hours and found we agreed on most everything. We would be close, but her heart belonged to Bob...and Billy. She left when the visiting hours were over.

The house wasn't mine. I don't know if it ever would be. I hadn't really even seen it from the outside.

It was a nice enough place. It did look inviting, homey.

Lisa met me at the door.

"I'm not a lesbian." She nearly laughed at that one. She blew her nose.

"I am a house guest only." She was lighting up her smile.

"Can I come home?"

She proceeded to hug and kiss me ferociously. I'd be lying if I said my body didn't react, maybe my heart a little too. For all these problems, this woman wants me in her life.

I'll always be a mother in my heart. But now I had to learn to be a father. Who knows, in a few years Josh may be able to fix my mind. I can't conceive of that, in many ways it means my death.

Maybe I'll learn that I have two families now. I'll always love my old one and the new one loves me. I can learn to love them.

A family lasts forever and there is no limit for love.

joanbanks@ivillage.com http://www.geocities.com/dejahcarter