Hi! here's part 2. This is all very exciting. Thanks for the oh-so-prompt and encouraging feedback people! I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue with this, but you certainly let me know it's the right thing. more e mail is welcome! hope you like this....
The next month went by much the same as all Palace time does. We lacked nothing, and were encouraged to request anything we wanted. From exotic cuisine to strange custom clothing, we were looked after. Spoiled rotten in fact. After the flurry of touring it seemed relaxing at first, then, as I grew accustomed to being in one place for more than a few days, slightly boring. I vented my energy practicing in the great empty halls on our floor, meant specifically for that purpose. My Fildeh sounded incredible resonating in those huge rooms, and I reveled in the sound, and was inspired. I also practiced my tumbling, spreading out great mats, trying to do a twist-three-sixty, and keep playing while in the air, landing perfectly on the beat, throwing out my arms and blowing heartfelt kisses to the metaphorical audience.
I had started out as a standard musician in the troupe at the age of ten, rising through the ranks until I replaced the Top Level Violin when she "retired" (at the ripe old age of thirty. There are many quirks to this job). Then when I was nineteen, the other violinist, Zelle and I decided to try a combination of playing and tumbling, both of us being athletic types. We reconstructed our violins and bows out of harder-than-steel synthetic materials so that they could sustain our weight and take a beating, and named the new instruments "Fildehs", a bastardisation of Fiddles. Our new act was a hit, although Danule had been doubtful at first. Now we spent more time on stage than in the pit and some hidden exhibitionist in me adored the attention.
A couple of times after rehearsal, Isaac and I snuck out and headed for Sabriana's, our favourite bar in the City, but both times I somehow felt let down. As if I was looking for the adventure to fill up a part of me, but that part had a tiny leak and I never quite felt full. I couldn't help wondering if I was just trying to escape from Joelle. After three weeks she still made me unbearably uncomfortable, and I just couldn't relax around her.
I told Isaac this over a pitcher of beer one night and he laughed in my face.
"You idiot!" He howled "The male half of the troupe would KILL to be sharing quarters with that gorgeous thing! I can't believe you're complaining!" He then proceeded to take a swig of beer, most of which ended up running down the front of his shirt.
"I know... but listen....she's just so... cold. Or something. Anyway, who are you to talk? You've got that gorgeous Adam Assigned to you, you asshole. I'd trade you in a second." Indeed, Adam, the curly haired man that I had been admiring in the Pagoda that first night had been assigned to Isaac. Murphy's law I guess.
"Okay, okay" Isaac said, trying to sober up a bit for my sake. "Lets figure this out. Maybe she's just shy. You know how some people seem really antisocial, but they're just shy? .... no, wait, she's obviously not shy. Part of her attraction is her self-confidence. Well...that and her incredible good looks. Um.... "
Isaac had a habit of starting out talking to me, but ending up talking to himself.
"okay, maybe she's a spy for the Empress. She's trying to glean information about the troupe from you Saskia, but she's been told not to get too close. So she's just taking it to the extreme...um... or maybe... "
He was way into his conspiracy theories now. And I realized, just trying to make me laugh.
"... or maybe she's really a man and she... he-she's trying to...."
"Come on Isaac..."
"Okayokay, I've got it! She's just a cold-hearted bitch and you're going to have to live with it for the next six months. Sucks to be you, luv."
And to that we drank a toast, proceeded to get wasted, and forgot all about scary Joelle.
Until I got home around four a.m. The summer sun was already starting to lighten the sky and robins were singing an opera in the Imperial Gardens as I climbed in the window. This was simpler than explaining my absence to the reception staff. As I stumbed to my feet after unceremoniously dropping to the sitting room floor, I looked up to see Joelle calmly reading a book curled up in a wing chair in her white night robes.
"Hi." I said, not sure why she was still... or already?... awake.
She flickered her golden irisis up to me with an unreadable expression.
"You know I'm supposed to go with you when you go out." Did I detect just the tiniest bit of relief in her voice? Had the Ice Queen (as drunken Isaac and Saskia had been calling her all night) actually been worried?
"um. I guess you are."
"Just let me know where you're going next time." She said this with a confidence that said she knew she had every right to that request. Actually I had learned by now, Joelle didn't request at all. She demanded.
"okaaaaaay......" and with that I chugged some anti-hangover mugs of water and passed out with all my clothes on.
A few seconds later I was being woken up by Joelle's now-familiar knock on the screen of my sleeping niche. My mat was nestled right up against the window but the blinds were drawn and I had no idea what time it was.
"Whayoowan.? i jus gottoosleep...." Why is she waking me up at this time of the morning?
"It's one o'clock in the afternoon. You have a dress rehearsal in half an hour for your performance tonight. Just thought you might like to know."
"FUCK!"
Time sure does fly when you're in a drunken stupor.
I was only a few minutes late for rehearsal, but of course with no warmup, I was making errors left and right. Litterally. At one point I leaped into the air to do a backflip, but but started off by launching myself in the wrong direction and had a serious mid-air collision with Zelle. After I managed to get some air into my lungs again, I apologized profusely and excused myself by saying that I wasn't feeling 100 percent. Which was very true. Danule just grunted and told me to get my shit together, which I guess was justified. The rehearsal went on for four more grueling hours, a couple of which I spent trying not to throw up. When I got back to my rooms at five, there were only two hours until I had to start getting ready for the show and I knew I had to do my best to take Danuel's grumbling advice. There was no sign of Joelle, so I sat cross-legged on the carpet of the sitting room in a ray of slanting afternoon sunlight and took a deep breath. I could feel my pulse begin to slow and my muscles relax as I took deep, cleansing breaths, and I cleared my mind with the mantra I have used for ages.
clarity. strength. completion.
A nagging muscle cramp in my neck made it hard to concentrate, but I overcame the urge to rub it, and before I knew it, an hour and a half had gone by and I was feeling much better. I decided to get a head start on things and make sure that the costume for the new routine fit me. It was a lovely thing made completely of tiny brown feathers sewed to a basic cotton form. The bottom peice was a pair of flaring trousers of this makeup, and they fit me like a glove. I literally preened in front of the mirror in just the pants, smoothing the soft feathers, noticing the subtle flecks of white in each one. The top of the costume was basically just enough to cover my breasts, but before I put it on I couldn't resist rubbing the luscious feathery softness over my nipples. I shivered at the touch, thinking that it had been too long since I had been physically close to anybody. I couldn't help admiring myself in the glass, vainly twisting my hips to see my curves and pushing out my small breasts. I was happy with my body and I had to admit that it was lovely. Lately it had been going to waste.
After a while I put on the top piece and the final touches, a small pair of wings of the same material but on a wire frame that fitted to my shoulders, and a soft head piece. It was quite a task to push each lock of my short, wild hair into it, but after some swearing and pinning I was nearly Saskia, bird-lady to the Empress. I smiled at this thought and decided I would paint my face extravagently once I reached the dressing rooms. With the head peice on I definetely resembled some sleek avian being, my head smooth and round, and I wondered if hundreds of little birds had given their lives for my costume and Zelle's to match. I didn't want to think too hard about that, so I looked away from the mirror quickly, and suddenly met Joelle's eyes.
How long has she been standing there?
"It's very beautiful." Had she been watching from the doorway there while I touched the feather-top to my breasts? Her face was as still and composed as ever, and yet she threw a strange glance at me before she turned and walked with her long-legged stride into her room.
The dressing room was noisy and crowded as usual. People vying for the mirrors laughed and teased, face paint was applied, undergarments thrown this way and that. It was such a familiar chaos, I felt the confusion of the latest Joelle encounter melting out of my head as I got into "work-mode." For the millionth time I thought What a lucky girl you are Saskia. So many people suffering in the world, and yet you have found a place where you belong.
"Hey Sassie, you feeling better?" Isaac appeared in the mirror behind my shoulder, leaned down and kissed me on the cheek that I hadn't painted yet. His costume for the evening consisted of a yellow robe embroidered with rising flames, which would be discarded partway through the tumbling act for near-nudity and a ton of body paint.
"Yep thanks, how are you? I think you consumed twice the amount of that fortified barley juice that I did last night."
"Well, I'm not the lightweight that you are now am I?"
"Touche."
"I gotta go. Break a leg tonight love."
"I nearly did already today."
"You know what I mean."
As Isaac dissapeared into the crush, Zelle appeared, looking like my twin in her matching bird costume.
"Hi honey, would you mind doing my makeup? You're so much better at it than me."
"Oh come on Zelle, you do just fine. But I don't mind. Here, sit down...... Okay, lift your head. And ....close your eyes."
As I smeared gold paint onto Zelle's eyelids I decided that I felt good. I was ready to enjoy myslef doing what I loved.
The Trapeeze team started off the evening. Zelle and I were in the wings, following the rest of the orchestra in some minor waltz. I had never seen any of the Traps (as we affectionately called them) take a dive, even the lower levels, but still I feared for them, and tried not to watch too closely. I knew that once they reached Level Five they were weaned off of the nets, and by Level Seven, nets were expressly forbidden. The Traps were consistantly of a personality type who thrived on danger. The curtain went down on them finally, and I let out a breath that I never noticed myself holding. I adore being up high, I often think maybe I should've been a Trap myself, but it still makes me feel like a nervous mother hen, to see people I love risking their necks like that.
The Contortionists followed, to an ambient addagio full of long drawn out notes, oozing into one another like molasses. Slowly they came to life and so did the percussionists, and as they began to leap and spin on stage, the music became joyful and free. At the peak, that was my cue. That was when Zelle and I leaped onto the stage from hidden trampolines in the wings, and we performed flawlessly. My meditation had paid off. I didn' t miss a move, not a note, not a beat. I felt different in this costume, I felt sexy and confident, and as we whirled around the stage, balancing on each other and our Fildehs, flipping head over heels, fiddling our hearts out, I knew that I loved this. The audince was eating out of our hands and at the end of our act they actually clapped. Usually they just snapped their fingers in a noncommital way and looked bored.
Isaac's act also went off without a hitch, and from the orchestra pit, I couldn't help but admire his wiry body as he climbed a tower of tumblers clad in embroidered flames, and then dove from the top into a hidden hatch in the stage floor.
Maybe tonight, I thought, I'll go to Isaac. I'm obviously feeling lonely and aroused. I want to be touched and my body aches.
We had been together before, occasionally, when things got rough, or just for fun, and somehow it never seemed a breach of our friendship. I thought of his body stretched and elongated, diving head first. Yes, I deserve that. It'll be good for both of us.
By the end of the show we were all feeling excellent.
"Job well done everybody. Thank you for all your hard work."
Danule was happy with the reaction to our first Imperial show of the year. It was nice to see him so relaxed and glad. Many of the troupe thought of him as a bit of a father figure and it hurt us all to see him worried as often as he was. The happy chatter in the dressing room was full of positive feedback and much hugging and kissing, and I was looking forward to the prospect of going to Isaac's room and surprising him with my rare mood.
Unfortunately... or maybe not... I was dissapointed. But not in the way that I would have expected.
I went back to my rooms to wash the sweat and makeup off, and put on a thin cotton dress which pressed tightly against my breasts in a way that I liked. As I headed out the door, I said to Joelle,
"I'm going to see Isaac. I might or might not be back tonight, but I promise, I won' t leave the building."
"hmmm." was all she said, and I ran barefoot down the hall to Isaacs quarters.
I should have knocked, I know I should have, but I was just so thrilled with the idea of being close to someone, even just my friend, that I wasn't thinking straight. Instead I just opened his door a crack and peeked in, to see... well, something a little shocking. Isaac's butt, going up in the air and then plunging down again, over and over. uh oh. Fortunately it was his ass I was looking at, not his face, because he couldn't see me. I guess he has someone else on the go, I thought, quite dissapointed, but more than a little curious. Who the hell was he getting it on with on that carpet in his sitting room? I couldn't see the face, and he hadn't told me about any love interests, and usually we are more than open to talking about these things. I had to look. I just had to. All I could see was some legs... some rather hairy legs.... and then I heard moaning, and.... oh shit! That was no woman Isaac was having sex with! It was Adam! Adam's legs were thrown up over Isaac's shoulders and Isaac was plunging into Adam for all he was worth! I could see a sheen of sweat glistening over both of them, and Adam's arm moving rapidly. I realized he was jerking himself off. Isaac is bi-sexual! I can't believe I never figured it out! It seems so obvious now. Isaac's thrusts were coming faster now and his moans were becoming more insistant, as were those of his Attendant. His lover. Why am I watching this? This has got to be wrong. I'm finding this really arousing.... and I was. I could feel a warmth spreading in my abdomen, watching these two boys making love was just so...interesting.
"Aaaaaaah, god, Adam. This feels so good..... yeah..... I'm so close....."
I had never heard Isaac speak like that before. His voice was low and breathy and he moaned and panted in between his words. I felt a sharp pang of jealously that I had never been able to bring him to this level of passion.
"Mmmmmm yeah Isaac.... uh......uhhhhhh...."
I should really get out of here.
"Ooooooh, yeah Adam..... yeah..... ohhhhhhh... mmmm.....ahhhhh..."
"Isaaaaaaac..... "Adam barely breathes the words in between his panting breaths "ooooh Isaac. I think....... I think I'm gonna........ aaahhhhhhhh....... ahhhhhhhhhh..... i'm coming....."
Suddenly they were both breathing faster and harder, panting and crying out. I watched as Adam arched his back, and I could see his face, teeth clenched, cheeks flushed as he came between their bodies. Isaac was cumming as well, and I couldn't tear my eyes off. I felt like such a pervert. Worse, I felt like I was betraying our friendship. What would he think if he knew? As Isaac thrust into Adam for the last time, letting out a long groan of pleasure and agony mixed, I turned and ran as silently as possible back up the hall to where the Ice Queen awaited.
My mind was in a flurry of confusion. Images of what I had just seen kept flashing behind my eyes, filling me with emotions I didn't want to be feeling. Jealousy, rejection, longing, arousal.... They conglomerated to make me decidedly uncomfortable. I forced myself to take a few deep breaths before I entered my rooms again.
Joelle was curled in her customary place, reading, as usual. She barely glanced up at me to lift an eyebrow and say "Back so soon?" before burying her exquisite nose again. Anger welled up in me, making my teeth clench, but I forced it down again. Sometimes that woman's superiority just made me want to slap her. I went to the closet without answering, where I had stashed a bottle of whiskey and poured myself a drink before heading for the patio.
The moon was half full, hanging ripely in the warm air. The moon is my planet, my moods and cycles have always been true to hers, and I have always anthropomorphised her as a lonely goddess. Crickets serenaded her downturned face, and a few frogs from the pond joined in her praise. I took a swig of my drink with a small amount of guilt at using alcohol as a tool to avoid larger issues. Soon enough however the warmth that it provided blurred the details of the evening in my mind and I began to relax. Guilt blurred into contentment.
Looking out from my wooden patio, I thought how the Imperial gardens were impressive and wonderful at any time of day. In the mornings I would awake to find them bathed in a cold mist that swirled and made the Palace grounds seem like a silent, mysterious place. The afternoons found people taking their pleasure in various activities, crunching along the gravelled paths with companions, or fishing for trout in the extensive system of moving streams and pools. In the rain they took refuge beneath great palm fronds or in ornate pagodas. There were islands or rock, rising from the water and from the land planted with delicate flowers and twisting, encircling trees. I had been told that the Gardeners lived like monks, silently, and under religious vows to revere everything living, to co-exist with nature. This was evident in the smoothness of the lines, how man-made intermingled with earth-made. This Garden was created purely with reverential respect and a certain maternity that one can only direct at one's offspring.
And now, deep into the warm summer evening, the Garden was alive. There were a few glowing globes positioned along the paths, but most of the light came from the moon, and she cast a shimmer on to everything. Every tree, so meticulously shaped and cared for seemed to dance with upraised arm-branches, silhouetted in the moonlight, and I could understand how people came out here to look for inspiration. I am no painter, and even less of a poet, but at that moment I longed to capture this beauty and be able to share it with others.
As I sat, contemplating the nature of life, a movement behind me brought me back to reality and I knew that Joelle had come out to join me. She asked as she asked every night "Would you like me to brush your hair tonight?", but instead of my usual curt "no thank you", I decided I really would like someone to talk with, to be with, even if just the impassive Joelle.
"I think I would like that. Would you like a drink?" This last was practically meant as a joke, but to my astonishment, Joelle hesitated only a moment before accepting my offer. We brought a couple of chairs outside, and I sat up straight so that she could brush my hair easily. I had never thought that something as simple as a hair brush could make me feel so good, but as she ran it over my head I felt my scalp tingle pleasantly, and my neck relaxed for the first time in ages. Sometimes I could feel her stop to take a sip of her drink which secretly pleased me, and then she would go back to brushing, with her surprisingly gentle touch.
"mmmm, thank you" I said after some time had passed. "that felt wonderful." and I realized it was true, and I actually felt grateful. For perhaps the first time, I felt calm and not... anxious in the presence of my strange companion.
"I will get you another drink." She said, getting up from her own chair, but I beat her to it.
"No, I'll get us both one."
"Alright." I poured two more and handed her one. The moonlight was very bright on her cheekbones and I wondered if she felt as etherial as she looked. She looked smooth and perfect, but not as cold as usual. Must be the alcohol, I thought. Her eyes look almost warm, her lips are nearly smiling.
"So um...what else do you do Joelle?" I asked almost desperately trying to think of a conversation topic.
"What else?"
"Well, you know, do you... do anything? sing? draw? or sports or something?"
Her eyes flickered down to her drink in an uncharacteristically shy movement.
"I... I'm a mathematician."
Oh my god. That explains everything. I almost laughed.
"So... what the... what are you doing here? Why are you doing this?"
She looked up again, staring straight at me, and I wondered if I had gone a bit too far.
"I was uninspired by my life, so I decided to ... well, to try to cultivate previously unexplored aspects of myself."
"Okaaaay..."
"I would like to be a more... well rounded individual."
I think i'm figuring this all out now..."So what you're saying is that you're trying to become a people person...something that you haven't been all that great at so far. Shit....... did I say that out loud?"
Oh my god. I am such an idiot. When will I learn to keep my analytical-yet-counter-productive-bitch-statements to myself?
The drinks had gone to my head I guess. At that moment I absolutely loathed myself. But to my great relief, Joelle burst out laughing. I couldn't believe it. I was mortified, all I could do was join her in a great belly laugh that echoed through the Imperial Gardens like water rushing.
Before bed that night I asked Joelle if she would mind not waking me up early the following morning. I was desperate for a long sleep. I've always been weak about sleep, needing nine or ten hours a night to feel human. She complied and we said goodnight on much friendlier terms than ever before. I lay there for a while, thinking over the complex events of the evening, and found myself pressing a smile into my pillow. Sleep overtook me slowly, easing me down to remain undisturbed until the sun was high in the sky.