DISCLAIMER: The following story is completely FICTIONAL is does not imply anything concerning the private life of Paul walker or Josh Hartnett. I don't know them and I don't know anything about their lives. This story is only meant as fiction and does in no way describe real occurrences, situations or facts. All other persons mentioned in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to an existing person, company or business is totally coincidental.
Author's note: Just want to stress again that this story is complete fiction. In this chapter there's some talk about their families and childhood. That's all made up ok. I have no idea what their real lives look like so please keep that in mind. For the rest: Enjoy chapter 12 and please let me know what you think ok?
Chapter 13:
"yes..." Paul confirmed. He paused for a few seconds but then something dawned on him.
"How did you know?" he asked
...
Josh felt as if he had just taken a hit in the stomach. He knew there was no way back now, the skeletons were falling out of the closet. He knew it was only right, after all Paul had told him about his past and the hurt that lay therein. Now it was his turn, but he was quite nervous not knowing how Paul would take what he was about to tell him. He felt his stomach turn at the thought of what might happen. Would Paul be able to understand? And if he did, where would that leave them?
"I think we better go inside..." he said to Paul as he stepped through the balcony door.
In the short time they had been outside a tension had built between them. Paul immediately had picked up on this and was, to say the least, confused about the sudden change of atmosphere. Only a couple of minutes ago he had feared for his life,...but now a whole other kind of fear was hanging in the air. fear of the unknown? maybe.
Paul followed Josh inside.
"is everything all right?" He asked with a mix of concern and confusion in his voice.
"no it isn't." Josh simply replied..."we need to talk, and I think you'd better sit down for this."
Paul had a puzzled look on his face but did as Josh suggested and sat down in the sofa. After a minute or two Josh sat down himself, opposed to Paul. He looked him briefly in the eyes but looked down almost immediately. A heavy silence fell between the two boys. Josh was trying to work up the courage to start talking, Paul on the other hand was unsure about what was going on and didn't feel like breaking the silence. After about ten minutes Josh finally broke the silence:
"You know I've been acting a bit strange lately...?" he asked, not really needing an answer.
"Yes?" Paul answered, not sure where this was going.
"I've been lying to you..." Josh continued with a restless tone to his voice, "...I knew exactly what was wrong...I'm sorry I lied to you, but I was afraid to admit it,...even to myself."
Paul opened his mouth to say something but was almost immediately cut of by Josh. "Please let me finish..." he asked.
"You remember I mentioned Adam yesterday?" He asked before continuing.
"Yes" Paul replied..."He was your friend that killed himself over some guy who didn't love him back"
"He was..." Josh continued, "But I never told you the full story..." He paused a few seconds as the memories came back to him. "that `some guy'...was me" he said barely audible.
The silence that followed couldn't have been more deafening. Paul was shocked by what he just heard. It explained so much to him but all he could think about was Josh. the boy was sitting in front of him. his head hang low and his breathing had become heavier. Paul could see the tears rolling from his eyes. It was obvious to him Josh carried a lot of guilt with him about what had happened to his friend. Paul couldn't even begin to imagine the torment it must have put josh through.
Paul slowly walked over to where Josh was sitting and sat down beside him. He put his arm around him in an attempt to comfort Josh. Paul didn't say anything. What could he have said? Josh didn't know where to go from here. He had carried this secret for so long and now that is was finally in the open he was in uncharted territory. He was glad Paul was there with him. he felt Paul's arm around him, a small gesture, but it meant a lot at that moment. After a long uncomfortable silence Josh finally turned to face Paul.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner...but I didn't know how..."he spoke, "I'm sorry"
Paul looked Josh directly in the eyes as he answered, "Don't feel bad about it" Paul slowly answered "I understand you needed time before you could share this with me...it doesn't bother me...so don't let it bother you"
Josh was relieved Paul took it this well. He truly was a great guy.
"You think you are ready to tell me what happened?" Paul asked, not sure if it was smart to push the subject this quickly.
"I think I am..." Josh spoke softly, his voice not all that convincing "It happened years ago when I was sixteen...I was living with my aunt and uncle in Australia after my father had been relocated to Germany...I was still in high school...and Adam,...well he was my friend I guess..."
...
Josh let out a breath of relieve as soon as the bell sounded. It was Friday afternoon and the week-end couldn't start fast enough. the last our of algebra had lasted for what seemed like a life-time. He quickly grabbed his books together and hasted out of the classroom. As he walked through the hallway of the school he wished the classmates that he passed a nice week-end. Once he had stepped outside he looked around, trying to find his long-time friend and neighbour Adam, in the chaos that was Friday afternoon. The scene in front of the school-building resembled an ant-colony in some way. It was a coming and going of cars and bikes as everybody tried to get away as soon as possible. It wasn't really clear to Josh exactly where they were going because the town offered little to nothing to it's teen population, unless off course someone was crazy enough to actually find some entertainment value in abandoned opal mines or the red desert that surrounded them.
The town was like so many others in the Australian inlands. It was built to house the men who'd work in the mines not to far outside the town, but ever since the mining industry had collapsed the desert was slowly reclaiming it's territory. The school behind him had once been the headquarters of the mining company. When they pulled out years ago the town council had opted to put the old building to use as a school. The only thing that distinguished this town from all the other was the nearby army base that kept a little blood flowing through the economic veins of the town. If it hadn't been for the American air force there would have been little life left here.
Josh was different in a way from most people he knew. The town had two sorts of inhabitants: the ones that wanted to get out and failed, and those select few that might still have a small chance of something better. Josh didn't feel he fitted into either one of those categories since he had no desire whatsoever to leave. He felt perfectly at home down there in the middle of nowhere. People often thought he was joking or hesitant to share his dreams with them, but the truth was, he had no dreams. No dreams of escape that is, because he didn't feel imprisoned like the others. He had seen a lot of the world for his age and after all the chaos of constant travel he had gone through as a child, he had come to the conclusion that life is at it's best when it's the least complicated. And life was simple there...that it was.
The crowed in front of the school had thinned down considerably but there was still no sign of Adam. Josh was starting to get a little worried. Adam usually couldn't get out of there quick enough. Josh knew Adam long enough to understand his tardiness promised little good.He walked back in to the now almost deserted school building. He walked passed the different lockers that where placed against the wall as both sides of the hallway. he thought it best to walk to Adams locker and start looking there.
He found Adam sitting in front of his locker. The floor around him was covered with scattered papers..., torn and scrunched up. Adam was staring at them, not able to comprehend what he was seeing. His eyes where burning red as he was trying hard to fight back the tears that were salting his eyes. Josh slowly approached his friend. He picked up one of the papers and quickly read it...a soft gasp escaped his mouth.
"Adam...is this...?" He tried to ask, but he was answered even before he was able to finish his question.
"It is..." Adam answered, his voice hovering between anger and defeat. "It's gone...they destroyed it...all my work...it's gone.".
Josh knew what his friend was talking about. Ever since he had known Adam, and probably even before that, the boy had been writing. It had taken quite some time for Josh to convince Adam to tell him what it was he was constantly writing. After several months Adam had finally let Josh read a few pages of the novel he was working on. Josh had been surprised at the quality of what he had read. It had all the promise of being a true literary masterpiece. This came to no surprise actually since Adam was exceptionally bright and intelligent for his age. When he looked at you those eyes seemed to say "I know something you don't...and I'm not going to tell you what it is.". He was the best student in the school and the potential in that boy was seemingly unlimited. This unfortunately made him the object of a lot of envy. The town was a rat trap and those who seemed likely to escape it were marked.
Josh felt the anger build up inside of him. Over the years he had witnessed a lot of bullying: Adams bike had been the subject of several sabotages...he had found Adam beaten up, locked up in his locker,...But this was a new low. This was just beyond comprehension. How could people, and kids for that matter, be so cold-hearted? Josh scanned the hall quickly until he found what he was looking for. At the end of the hall, next to the paper bin, where a couple of empty cardboard boxed stacked together. He grabbed two of them and walked back to Adam. Slowly he started picking up the shreds of paper.
"What are you doing?" Adam asked, not quite sure what his pal was up to.
"Let's take all of this home..." Josh explain, "I'm sure we can salvage most of it."
Adams expression seemed to brighten a bit when he heard this. When he had found his manuscript ripped to pieces he had felt like he was defeated. He was so shocked by what he had found his mind couldn't even conceive the notion of restoring his book. But now Josh had given him an option. The book was damaged but it wasn't gone...maybe it could be restored. The words and pages where still there, scattered through the hallway, but still there nevertheless.
It took them abut half an hour to collect all the papers, but eventually Adam dropped the last page in the box. His attitude had changed remarkably since Josh had found him. The boy had a seemingly endless strength...and even though he hated to be picked on, and was sometimes infuriated with the way he was treated, defeatism wasn't one of his character trademarks. His inner fortitude seemed almost unshakeable.
After they had gathered everything together they walked home. There wasn't much conversation during their walk as both guys had very different things on their mind. It's difficult to describe they state of mind Adam was in as he walked slowly beside his best friend. Life seemed so surreal to him. It was as if the whole town and all the people in it were nothing more than just another stretch of desert wasteland. They didn't seem real, as if he were an actor in a play and all it took for the illusion to evaporate was the lowering of the curtain. There was no connection with any of the people. Not in his school, not in his neighbourhood and not in this town. But recently things had changed. He couldn't understand why or how but somehow life had returned to the dust bowl. He had been feeling things never felt before...dreamed of things he had never cared for. This both frightened him to no extent, and excited him just as much. Lately, when he had looked at his friend now walking beside him, there was more than friendship he felt. It was as if he had found something he didn't even know he lost.
... "We spent almost the entire evening puzzling that book back together..." Josh continued "and we finally did. I still remember the moment we put that last page back in place...there was a look in his eyes..." He sighed briefly as the memories fought their way out. "I should have know...I should have know".
"Known what?" Paul asked. He had listened to Josh's every word, and though it was difficult for him to understand the context of it all, he could feel there was some importance to all of this. He knew that to understand the man he loved implied an understanding of the guilt and pain that man had been carrying on his shoulders for so long.
"I'll get to that..." Josh answered Paul's question, "But do you mind if we step outside for a moment? I could really use a smoke right now."
Paul agreed and both guys stepped outside onto the balcony. Paul felt a little weirded out, almost expecting the intruder to be standing there again. So many questions ran through his mind as he lit his cigarette. Who was that guy and why had he intruded on his apartment? Burglary couldn't have been his motive since he had plenty of opportunity to take whatever he wanted. How did Josh's story relate to this? There didn't seem to be any explanation at this point, but at least Josh was finally talking, as hard as it must have been for him.
Josh was leaning on the railing, overlooking the skyline as he reflected on the memories he had just shared with Paul. It was rather strange. For years he had buried these ghosts deep within his mind, trying to forget them...and now finally releasing them actually felt relieving. It seemed, after running for so long, the past had finally caught up with him.
after they had smoked their cigarette they went back inside. the story was far from finished and they both knew it. After they had settled down in the sofa Paul waited for Josh to pick up the story. it took him some time, but he did:
...
Adam was different. It seemed he looked at the world as if it were something he wasn't a part of...He was like a drop of oil in the ocean. He flowed along with it's current, surrounded by water, but never mixing with it. He was at odds with the town and it's people. He had ambition, a dangerous quality in a small-town. Ambition frightens people. It forces them to confront their own lack of it. That's why people were so hostile towards him. He reminded them of their own inability to escape.
What was extraordinary was his ability to cope with all this. It almost seemed as if he was not interested in people. Not in this bogus "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" sort of way. It was like he felt he was watching animals in the zoo. They were on one side of the fence he was on the other. their hatred hurt him,...no doubt about that, but he took it like he was being stung by a wasp...that's what they're supposed to do: they sting you if you frighten them. he didn't want to be like this, but he knew that was the effect he had on people. Josh never was able to understand how he could look at himself and the world that way...and probably never would...
Josh paused for a moment trying to string the memories together into a somewhat coherent story before he continued.
...
It was a couple of weeks after the book incident. Josh had gone over to Adams house, just next door, to study for a history exam. He had noticed something was wrong the moment Adam had opened the door. His face was ghost- white pale, contrasting strongly with the boys black curls. He had asked what was wrong but his friend had avoided answering that question the entire evening. As they tried to go over their history course it became more and more obvious to Josh something was definitely wrong with Adam. His attention was shifting from one subject to another and Josh got the impression Adam felt really uncomfortable in his presence...something that had never occurred before. This situation of avoiding each-other played on for several hours before Josh finally decided to push the matter forward.
"Look Adam, I know something is wrong..." he spoke in a calm and gentle manner, "please tell me what's bothering you". "It's not like you to be so avoiding towards me...did I say or do anything to upset you?"
Adams lips formed a quick, nervous smile at the notion. "No, It wasn't you..." he sighed, "you know...some say man always creates his own monsters...if that's true my monsters finally caught up with me."
"what are you talking about?" Josh asked, not understanding the cryptic explanation.
"I know I'd be best for you to hear this from me..." Adam continued, "but I don't know how to tell you this...and I don't think you want to hear this...You know Josh, you're about the only friend I have. I don't know how I could go on like this if it wasn't for you. Everybody seems to be out to get me, safe for you. Thanks for being my friend man."
Josh didn't know what to say. It was obvious Adam was very serious about this, more serious probably than he'd ever been.
"That's why I'm terrified right now..." Adam went on "I don't want to scare away the only friend I have...but so little choice do I have."
"Whatever it is..." Josh tried to reassure his friend, "you can tell me. I'll always be your friend."
Adam wanted so hard to believe Josh, but his doubts were simply to overpowering. He took a deep breath before deciding to take the leap...It had to be done, there were no two ways about it.
"This afternoon..." he tried to begin, "This afternoon...I finally worked up the guts to do something I never thought I'd have the courage to do...For a while now I've had romantic feelings towards some-one, feelings that I've been trying to ignore for all this time. Today however I decided to put it all on the line and tell that some-one how I felt...I tried to do it in person, but I was just too nervous and too scared...so I opted to write a letter, and I did..."
He paused for a brief second trying to find the words to continue.
"I've made some bad mistakes in my life" he continued " but this one must rank at the top of the list."
"How so?" Josh asked.
"Because that letter was taken out of my back-pack by Brandon, who had probably seen me write it during English class" Adam explained.
Josh felt a sudden burst of anger go through his system. He knew who Brandon was. A typical ,no-brain, no- personality ***hole. He was probably the meanest towards Adam and there was little doubt most of the pestering towards Adam was his doing. He could see how this situation could come back to haunt Adam, but he failed to see how it could have upset his friend That much...Without thinking about it he confronted him with his question. The boy seemed to doubt whether or not to answer it, but made up his mind quickly...
"well, you'll hear it sooner or later...maybe it's better you hear it from me..." Adam said, it was unclear who he was trying to convince, Josh or himself. The long pause before he continued showed he wasn't really sure how to progress..."The letter I wrote..." he finally continued, "...was written...to a guy."
Those last words caught Josh completely off guard. He had known Adam for years but the notion of him being gay had never entered his mind. He had no idea how to react to this. He wanted to let his friend know this didn't change anything. That they were still friends. But he couldn't immediately find the right words. He felt an enormous pressure to say something but every response that came to mind seemed even more ridiculous than the last. A very uncomfortable silence follow. Adam was sitting behind his desk staring out the window. His heart was pounding in his troth. There was no turning back now...he was balancing on a loose rope, unsure whether he was going to fall or not.
almost inaudible he whispered:... "That guy...is you".
...
"looking back on it...it was probably one of the turning points in my life." Josh explained to Paul, "my best friend had just told me he was gay...and more importantly had feelings for me."
"how did you react to that?" Paul asked. he had been listening to every word Josh had said to him. It was almost as if he saw it happen with his own eyes, as if the movie was run before his eyes.
"How could I react?..." Josh asked, "I wasn't ready for that...I couldn't be ready for that...I had no idea he felt that way...and I had no idea how I felt about it...I didn't know I was gay myself. Now that I do know I'm gay it makes me feel even more guilty about it."
"About what?..." Paul asked.
...
Adams words had hit Josh like a sledgehammer. He was completely dumbfounded by what he had just learned. It was as if he had just heard an explosion, disorientated by the blast and unable to grasp what was happening. Too many questions stormed his brain at the same time.
"please say something..." Adam pleaded, unable to bear the silence that had fallen over the room.
"You have feelings for me?" Josh asked, trying to comprehend what his friend had just revealed to him.
"I do...I'm sorry...please don't hate me for it" Adam answered. Tears were rolling from his eyes. His heart was in the open. he had never felt more vulnerable in his entire life and even though Josh was his best friend his was terrified, not knowing how he would take it.
"I don't hate you...I would never...But I don't..." Josh tried so hard to say something, to comfort his friend, to assure him everything would be all right; but the words just wouldn't leave his mouth. He was confused, maybe even a little scared. "I can't...I don't know how..." He stammered. He felt a heavy weight on his shoulders. the pressure to say something made it impossible to do just that. He felt as if his breath was cut off.
"I need to go..." He stammered, "I'll talk to you tomorrow...". Josh made a hastily exit...not able to deal with the confrontation.
Adam felt as if a dagger cut straight through his heart.
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." he mumbled as he heard the front door close. The hurt that overcame him was as dark and negative as the night itself. Pain was all he felt, a blinding pain soaring through his nerves.
...
~ to be continued ~
sorry it took me so long to catch up with this story. I hope this chapter wasn't too serious, but I feel it was a part of the story that couldn't be rushed. I hope some of you enjoyed it. If you want to let me know what you think. I do enjoy to hear from the people who read my story. beer4myhorses@hotmail.com
thx 4 waiting.