Pt.I/Chapter 4 Legal Notice:
The following contains descriptions of mild sexual acts between consenting underage boys. It is an original work of fiction and has no basis in reality.
Do not read this story if:
- You're not 18 or over.
- If it is illegal to read this type of material where you live.
- If you don't want to read about gay/bisexual people in love or having sex.
The author retains copyright (2003) to this story. Reproducing this story for distribution without the author's permission is a violation of that copyright.
Perry and Jesse: The Incredibly Romantic (and slightly kinky) Adventures of Two Boys In Love
**
Part I First Encounters**
**
Chapter 4 The First Visit**
The week of Jesse’s impending visit turned out to be a busy one, making the time go by much quicker than it otherwise might have. We had our first two major tests of the year, English on Tuesday, and Math on Thursday. Thursday night we had a basketball game with a visiting team from Escondido-- from a much bigger school than ours--and we won. We won!
On Tuesday morning, Tom met up with me in the parking lot and he looked a little...odd, like he was nervous or apprehensive about something.
“What’s up, dude?” I asked, as we high fived each other. I liked Tom a lot. Even though he was only a few months younger than me, I always felt that he behaved more like a kid than the rest of us. We were at that age where we still had the energy and enthusiasm of a preteen, but mixed with the growing need to be perceived of as ‘cool’ in front of our peers. That meant showing a certain restraint in most things, whether it was standing in line for something without squirming, using the most up to date slang when we spoke to each other, not letting our mom’s hug or kiss us in public, and all the other things that distinguished teenagers from the younger kids. Not to mention all the issues involved in our outward appearance: clothes, hair, accessories......don’t even get me started on that one! But Tom always had a boyish smile on his sweet face, and wanted a high five, refusing to stand down until his hand was properly smacked. He was always bursting with energy, and always wanted to be doing something physical, whether it involved an organized game like basketball or baseball, or just rough housing with whoever happened to be standing closest to him at the time.
He loved to grab kids around the waist and try to lift them up, even though, at five foot three, he was one of the smaller boys in our class. Sometimes, this got him into trouble when one of the other guys deemed that sort of horseplay to not be cool and appropriate behavior for a teenager. It also wasn’t a gesture that endeared him to the female population of St. Boniface, and he had been scolded by the staff on more than one occasion, since grabbing someone by the waist and trying to lift them off the ground also involved Tom grinding his crotch into the thighs or butt of whomever he had in his clutches at the moment. As for myself, I went along with him as much as I could, and if I thought the time or place was not conducive to such horseplay, I’d simply tell him to knock it off--but in a lighthearted way--and he’d always back off, giving me an apologetic smile.
So when I saw him approach me in the parking lot, I assumed I was in for some early morning squeezing. But he had his hands uncharacteristically stuffed in his pockets, and he had that odd look on his face that puzzled me.
“Nothing much,” he responded with an uneasy shrug to my greeting and inquiry.
“Ready for the big English test?” I asked.
Tom shrugged again. “Hey, I speak English all the time so it should be a breeze!” he responded with a little of his boyish sense of humor. Then his smile disappeared again and he got that nervous look as he stood next to me, fidgeting.
“So, what do you think of the new kid?” he asked, trying to sound like the question had just popped into his head. By the way he asked it though, I knew that it was more than an attempt at idle conversation.
“You mean Jesse?” I asked.
Tom nodded. “He’s kinda shy, huh?”
“Actually, he’s pretty cool once you get to know him,” I answered honestly.
Tom gave me a strange, pondering look. I hoped I hadn’t said the wrong thing. Tom and I had become good friends over the last year, especially playing together on the baseball team last spring. He was a great pitcher--what he lacked in strength, he made up for in speed and accuracy. I was sure he’d make starting pitcher this year.
“So, you’re getting to know him pretty well?” Tom asked.
Now I was starting to wonder where all of this was leading to. I became a little more thoughtful with my responses.
“Actually, I can’t say that I know him that well,” and that was certainly the truth at the moment. “I think things were different for him back in Illinois, but he doesn’t really talk about it much.”
“But you like him?” Tom asked, and the way he put the emphasis on ‘like,’ sent some sort of signal to my brain that it wasn’t quite able to interpret. Did he have some sense of my true feelings for Jesse? I didn’t think he or anyone else had seen me having my nervous breakdown last week, and I tried not to treat Jesse any differently then I treated my other friends, especially in public. Still...there must be times when I was staring at him, simply because I was so dumbstruck by his appearance. Had Tom noticed? Were my big, stupid eyes giving me away yet again?
“Well, we’ve only really talked away from the rest of the group just a few of times on the phone. Friday at the mall was the first time I really saw him away from school...but yeah, I guess I do.” If I could get away with telling the truth, than that was always my preference. I wasn’t a natural born liar. Not that I didn’t do it sometimes. It was just that it didn’t seem to come as easily to me as it did to others. The lie always seemed to come out of my mouth feeling different than the truth did, and I imagined most people were perceptive enough to pick up on that--my mom certainly was! Also, any time I lied or thought about lying, it reminded me of my dad, and how he had deceived my mom about his affair for a year before finally coming clean and filing for divorce. So I always stuck to the truth when I could.
“He seems cool,” Tom agreed. “I like his hair and stuff...He looks like he should be on TV or something...” He laughed nervously after making that comment, and even though it caught me by surprise, I just nodded in silent agreement. Was it possible that I had a rival for Jesse’s affections? I desperately hoped not, since I had no idea how I would handle such a situation. The whole idea of being infatuated with someone--and there was no question at this point that I was infatuated with Jesse Taylor--was so new to me, that I didn’t think I would have the energy, or the wit, to engage in some sort of battle to see who could win Jesse’s attention.
“Anyway, I was just wondering about him, is all,” Tom concluded, and started heading towards homeroom. I was still pondering his last comment, and he stopped after a few steps, waiting for me to join him.
“I guess it’s always interesting, having a new kid in class,” I remarked.
“Yeah, I remember last year--you were the new kid!” Tom said with a laugh. “You were pretty shy back then...”
“I got over it, and I think Jesse will to,” I said, although I wasn’t sure that I entirely believed that. There were so many things about Jesse that I didn’t know, but I felt like I should. And my conversation with Tom was more confusing than anything else. I decided that I needed to be careful what I said around him concerning Jesse, and I also decided that I needed to be more careful about the way I behaved around Jesse--especially the staring part!
While school and basketball kept me pretty busy all week, I found myself spending all my free time thinking about Jesse, about my intense feelings for him, my almost desperate need to be his one and only true best friend, and the other, more physical things that his upcoming visit brought to the fore. While I had never disregarded sex before--even back in La Jolla I had smuggled a couple of Playboy type magazines into my bedroom--it had been sort of a moot issue. First, there had been the trauma of my parent’s divorce--not that it had been a particularly ugly one because my mom pretty much gave up early on, her one and only concern being that she have prime custody of me--a demand my father seemed more than willing to make. Then there was the move to a new town--even though it was less than an hour drive back to La Jolla, it might as well have been on the other side of the state. We never went back and I knew that my mom didn’t want to face those old memories. The only connection I had with my old life were a few guys that I kept in touch with via email. I was actually surprised how quickly I was able to put all that behind me, once I started attending St. Boniface.
Once I met Morgan, and the rest of the crew, I was caught up with spending time with my new friends--sports, the mall, the arcade, movies, books--it seemed like a full and satisfying life to a young teenager. As I said before, I had my goofy little foot fetish, and I found my eye attracted to both girls and boys that I found intriguing in some way, but I didn’t obsess over any one person. I knew that it was normal to like girls, and there were some I found attractive, like Katy, Jessica and Melissa in my class. But I wasn’t ready to go out on a date or anything and I didn’t feel any urgent need to make physical contact with them in a sexual way--it just wasn’t a big deal--until now.
When Jesse Taylor walked into our class and into my life, all that began to change. Suddenly, I was fascinated by the way another kid looked, not just because of some peculiar physical trait, or because he reminded me of some celebrity (although there was no question that Jesse would have made a great tennybopper heart throb!), but because I found him to be the embodiment of some ideal teenage form that had been planted somewhere in the back of my mind, but had never really made itself known before.
I had become obsessed with thinking about him in ways that could only be described as purely sexual. In the last few weeks, I had gone from stupid fantasies about Jesse taking off his shoes at my house, to the two of us lying naked on my bed. I found myself trying to imagine what every part of Jesse’s body looked like without clothes: his chest, his stomach, his shoulders, his back, his legs, and especially his ass. And most disturbingly, I wanted to see his private parts! Even in my thirteen year old suburban naivete, I knew that wasn’t quite right. If I was obsessed with seeing another boy naked--I must be gay! Holy shit!
Sometimes, it just frightened me to death, made me want to force all my feelings for Jesse out of my mind, made me think that it was high time I started dating. But other times, it just consumed me. I loved thinking about Jesse’s body and what it would be like to touch him...everywhere. I knew, from that day he touched my cheek in the john, that I wanted to kiss him. That was supposed to be something boys and girls did--older boys and girls! The emotional hug we had shared after the incident at the mall never left my mind completely. While it had been a purely emotional moment, now when I looked back on it, remembered how it felt having him pressed to my chest, his hot breath on my neck, it made me harder than any issue of Playboy could.
So I spent that whole week in some sort of struggle with myself--was I gay or not gay? If I wasn’t, how could I explain my physical obsession? If I was gay, how would it affect my life? Would I be able to tell my mom? My friends? Would I be teased, or even beaten up because of it? It was starting to seem really scary, and I spent several nights tossing and turning as I grappled with myself--my true, undeniable feelings versus my worst fears.
Still, during the day, when I was in school, and Jesse was right there near me, it all seemed so simple and straight forward. I had strong feelings for him, feelings that seemed to grow every day. He was a remarkable, complex, smart person who I had to have in my life at any cost. And his radiant beauty--it never lessened no matter how much I tried to fight it, to tell myself that he was just another thirteen year old kid (though there were times when he could have easily passed for twelve or even eleven). He looked to be about five foot six and weighed maybe a hundred and twenty pounds at the most. He had arms and legs, and hands and feet, a nose for breathing, and a mouth for eating. What was the big deal? Plenty!
There was that beautiful, silky, golden blonde hair that fell in loose bangs on either side of his face, parted neatly in the middle. There were those full red lips and those creamy smooth cheeks. There was that rare smile that seemed to be just for me, and that raspy, not-quite-settled-in, young teenage voice, that sounded like a little kid’s when he giggled, but also had the ability to speak in a serious tone that made him sound wise beyond his years.
And there were those eyes...Damn those eyes! Those crystal blue eyes that seemed to sparkle with some inner light. When you really looked into them, which I admit was a hard thing for me to do because it was such a potent experience. They seemed as deep as the deepest ocean, but at the same time, clear as the clearest mountain lake. There were depths there, experiences completely beyond the scope of my sheltered existence, profound thoughts and passionate feelings...I sensed all those things in his sapphire eyes. His delicate, long lashes only reinforced the aesthetic beauty there. Yeah, it all seemed so simple...Now what Jesse might think about all this, there was a question to lose sleep over!
Friday finally arrived. It was a cool October day as we waited for my mom to swing into the school parking lot a little after noon. I had told Jesse to bring a comfortable change of clothes since I knew I was going to get out of my school things just as soon as I could when we got home. He had his stuff in his backpack and seemed nervous and excited. At least he wasn’t a total basketcase like me!
“You’re sure your mom is okay with this, Jesse?” my mom asked as we pulled out of the parking lot. It was a little late now, but I knew she was just covering her bases. “She knows I’ll be at work until six?”
“Sure, Mrs. Thompson. She’s cool with everything. She just asked me to give her a call around two, just to check in.”
“That’s good,” my mom said approvingly.
As we got closer to our house, I saw Jesse staring out the window as the houses got bigger and nicer. It made me feel uncomfortable again. I didn’t want the money thing to be a problem between us, but I also couldn’t ignore it.
Finally, we pulled up.
“Don’t park in the driveway, mom. We want to shoot some hoops!” I said excitedly.
“All right, but don’t ruin your school clothes. I’m just going to make you boys some sandwiches and get back to work.”
Jesse got out of the car, holding his backpack in one hand. He just stood at the curb, gawking at our house.
“Let’s shoot some hoops before my mom finishes making the sandwiches!” I said, trying to ignore Jesse’s reaction.
“Your house...it’s so big!” he stammered.
“Yeah, it’s okay,” I answered uncomfortably. It would be foolish to pretend it wasn’t a nice house, more than most people could afford to live in, even with two incomes. Thanks to my dad’s money, and my mom’s job (senior paralegal at a fairly upscale law office in town, mostly dealing with real estate), we were able to live comfortably, and I always tried to be appreciative of it, although I would have given up all this stuff if it meant having a mom and dad living happily together, and maybe a brother or sister or two...sigh...
I ran up the driveway to the garage. The basketball was lying there and I tossed my backpack on the grass and scooped up the orange ball. The basket was set up over the eave of the garage, and I began dribbling furiously, trying to channel some of my giddy feelings into physical activity. I was so excited to have Jesse here at my house, imagining spending the next five hours or so with him alone...Like I said, I was dribbling furiously. Jesse put his backpack down next to mine and just stood and watched as I lunged for the basket and stuffed the ball into the net. He was smiling but didn’t seem too anxious to join in. Then it finally occurred to me that Jesse might not be interested in everything that I was, and I grabbed the ball and held it, breathing a little heavier now. It always felt good to hold that ball. There was something comforting about the size and texture of it.
“Don’t you like to shoot hoops?” I asked, bracing myself for his response.
Jesse shrugged noncommittally, but he was still smiling that gorgeous smile of his. “I haven’t had much practice, just in P.E. a little back home...I mean, in Illinois.”
“Here, give it a go!” I said, bouncing the ball to him.
Despite his claim of not having had much experience, he reached out and grabbed the ball with lightening quick reflexes.
“I really don’t know how to dribble,” he said sheepishly. But he walked about fifteen feet back, bounced the ball a couple of times, aimed carefully, and then shot a perfect freethrow. It swished through the basket without touching the metal hoop or the backboard.
“Excellent, dude!” I said, excited to see that Jesse had some talent for the game. I caught the ball on the rebound and just tossed it back to him.
This time, Jesse went back another five feet or so before making a another perfect basket. That was impressive, and I told him so.
“I guess I’ve always had good hand to eye coordination,” he explained bashfully.
Now I was intrigued, and suggested he go another five feet back. He did so, bounced the ball a few extra times, took a little longer aiming...and swish!
“Shit, this is spooky!” I exclaimed.
“It’s no big deal when you’re just standing still, taking your time,” Jesse said modestly. “It’s not like when you’re in a game with all those tall guys waving their arms around and stuff...”
“Your wrong, dude!” I insisted. “It’s very impressive! Now try going back a little...”
My mom called us from the kitchen door. Jesse looked a bit relieved. I could have stood out there all day watching him shoot freethrows, but I think he was anxious to go inside. Anyway, I was starving.
My mom had made us both roast beef sandwiches on big slices of sourdough. Veggies were nicely laid out on a plate, and there was a fresh bag of Fritos.
“Coke?” I asked Jesse, as I went to the fridge. He nodded with a shy smile.
“Wash your hands, boys, for heaven’s sakes!” my mom insisted.
We washed at the kitchen sink, and then I went to get our Cokes. My mom was hurriedly eating a premade salad in a plastic container.
“So you boys have fun, but stay out of trouble,” she said in a very motherly way, as she got ready to leave again. “I want you staying close to the house. No carousing the neighborhood without calling me first--understand, hon?” she asked me point blank.
I had no intention of carousing the neighborhood this afternoon and I told her so. She seemed a little skeptical but gave me a peck on the cheek. As we started wolfing down our sandwiches, my mom grabbed her purse and went out the kitchen door. I heard her low heels clacking on the driveway until she got to the curb. I heard the car door open and close, the engine start, and the car pull away...Finally we were alone!
We didn’t talk much during lunch, but when we were down to munching Fritos, I told Jesse a little of what I had planned for the afternoon.
“Which video games do you like?” I asked.
Jesse shrugged. “I don’t really get a chance to play very much. I used to go to an arcade in Evanston once in a while...but it could get pretty rough in there sometimes.”
“Nothing you couldn’t handle, I bet,” I responded admiringly.
Jesse blushed uncomfortably, realizing that I was referring to the incident at the mall, where he had laid out two huge high schoolers like they were made of cardboard.
“You can’t just go around knocking the shit out of people, you know,” he admonished me seriously. “Even in self defense. You can really, seriously hurt someone, and people don’t take kindly to that, whether they supposedly deserved it or not. They get pissed off; they want revenge...”
I could tell he was speaking from personal experience, but it did little to dampen my admiration for his amazing talents. I didn’t like it when his mind went back to the past. There seemed to be darkness there and quite frankly, it scared me. I preferred to live in the present--especially this present--and my head was spinning with all the possibilities. I felt like my whole body was tingling all the time I was near him. Too be so close...
“Anyway,” I interrupted. “I’ve got tons of video games we can try out, up in my room,” I suggested. “But later, you’ve got to show me some of those moves!” I said.
As he frequently did, Jesse looked at me intensely. Then his countenance slowly changed to a look that surprised me. It was as if he was making his mind up about something, or maybe even pulling down some of those barricades he had seemed to build up around himself. He went from looking very serious to almost...childlike. His eyes lit up and there was a smile on his face that he seemed to have difficulty keeping under control.
“I’ll show you a few moves! ” he threatened playfully. I heard him giggle for the first time that afternoon and it filled me with warmth. Now we were cooking…
We finished up and cleared the table. “You want another Coke before we go up?” I asked.
Jesse shook his head.
“I’m dying to change out of these stupid clothes,” I told him as I picked up my backpack. He picked up his and followed me out of the kitchen. He hesitated where the tiled kitchen floor ended and the light beige Berber carpet of the den began.
“You have such a cool house!” Jesse said, eyes wide open, looking everywhere at once.
I felt myself cringe a little, but I could see that Jesse was enjoying himself. He looked so cute with his mouth hanging open. He looked happy.
“Yeah, well, my room is upstairs,” I said, waiting for Jesse to stop staring.
Jesse looked at the carpet and at his feet. “Are we allowed to wear shoes in here?” he asked hesitantly.
My heart nearly leaped out of my chest. Fortunately, a good sized belch chose just that moment to come forth, disguising my elation. Jesse was ready to take his shoes off right now, just on my word! I had been fantasizing about this for weeks! For some reason, I decided to torture myself, at least for a little while. I just told him the truth.
“My mom’s not all fussy like that,” I insisted, as I walked across the den to the livingroom. “Besides, she’s got the whole place Scotchguarded up the ying yang!” I assured him, as we stepped from the Berber to the thicker shag of the livingroom. The fanciest furniture in the house was in the livingroom, but it was really just for guests. Mom and I spent most of our time in the den or our rooms, and in the kitchen of course, where we usually took our meals.
I led the way up, my black Sketchers thumping dully on the carpeted stairs. Jesse followed slowly, looking every which way as he went. He still had a big smile on his face, and brown Vans sneakers on his feet. I was so nervous, I could feel myself getting hot and cold flashes.
There were three bedrooms upstairs. Two were master suites with their own bathrooms. The other room, my mom had set up as a home office although she rarely used it. She had a PC set up there along with a small library of legal reference books lining the shelves.
When we got to my room, I tossed my backpack in the corner.
“This is your room?” Jesse asked in amazement.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool, huh?” I couldn’t help but sound a little proud. I really did like this room. It had everything I needed and cared about. There was a good sized TV (not quite as big as the widescreen HDTV in the den, but great for video games), a DVD player, a topnotch stereo system with Dolby surround, a top of the line Macintosh with all the extra goodies you could get, autographed posters of Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant, and dozens of shelves full of books.
“Look at all these books!” Jesse said, examining my collection in amazement.
“Yeah, mostly from the Sci-fi Club,” I explained. “You belong to that? They have pretty good deals sometimes...”
Jesse shook his head as he continued looking at the titles.
“You can borrow whatever you want,” I offered. “Take what you want today, and just let me know if you want anything else.”
“You’ve got the Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant!” Jesse exclaimed with unabashed awe in his voice.
“Yeah, in one of those combined editions. Have you read it?”
”I’ve been wanting to...” Jesse said longingly.
“Take it with you. Put it in your backpack now if you want, so you won’t forget it.”
Jesse reached up and grabbed the thick book off the shelf.
“I’ll be real careful with it,” he said, sounding like a little kid talking to an adult.
“Don’t worry about it--enjoy,” I said offhandedly.
I started rummaging through my dresser. I pulled out the clean pair of Calvin Kleins that I wanted to wear today. They fit perfectly, and really showed off my butt! I didn’t know if Jesse would notice, but it was worth a try. I also fished out my black, Lord Of The Rings T-shirt.
Jesse was just finishing stuffing the big book into his backpack. He turned to see that I had already kicked off my sneakers, and was starting to unbuckle my belt.
"Uh...where should I change?” he asked, his eyes downcast, becoming once again the hesitant, shy boy I had seen that day he had first walked into our class.
It didn’t surprise me that Jesse would be uncomfortable watching me undress, or that he would be shy about undressing in front of me. I was willing to take this slowly (at least as slowly as I could stand!) as long as the end result was a closer and deeper relationship between us. I had somewhat come to terms with the possibility that Jesse might not have any of the physical attraction for me that I had for him. But I was determined not to let that get in the way of this being the greatest friendship the world had ever seen!
“You can go in the bathroom,” I suggested, gesturing towards the open door.
“You have a bathroom in your room?” he said with astonishment.
“Just remember which end the pants go on,” I said, realizing it was a silly joke.
Jesse smiled and shook his head. He went into the bathroom and I heard him lock the door...oh, well...
I got my black Dockers off and tossed them over the desk chair for now. I pulled my forest green polo off over my head and enjoyed the feel of cool air on my chest and underarms. Amazingly, as I glanced down at my plaid boxers, I realized I wasn’t even hard! I guess it just showed how overwrought I was. I kept having to remind myself that I was getting way too excited by all this and I really needed to calm down. Otherwise, Jesse was going to think I was some kind of freak or pervert or something and everything would be ruined.
I heard the muffled sound of the toilet flushing as I pulled my crisp denim jeans on. Seemed like Jesse was killing two birds with one stone. I snapped the top button on my jeans closed and zipped up the fly. One of the things I liked about these jeans was that they fit snugly enough that I didn’t need to wear a belt. I pulled my T-shirt on over my head, knowing that my long, somewhat dysfunctional hair was getting messed up. I didn’t bother putting my shoes back on, since it didn’t seem like we’d be going outside anytime soon. I went to the dresser, which had a good sized mirror above it, and brushed my hair as carefully as I could. Jesse was still in the bathroom. Then I neatly hung my Dockers up in the closet. Jesse was still in the bathroom...
I started flipping through my video games, wondering what Jesse might like, when he finally came out. My mouth fell open as I took in the sight. There was my beautiful blonde angel dressed in a grey P.E. T-shirt with the number 304 screened on it in maroon letters along with the name of his old school (I guessed), Gregson Middle School. His jeans were well worn, the knees almost white, the cuffs frayed. They fit him snugly and I guessed that they were probably a pretty old pair, and maybe they were a little tight simply because he couldn’t afford a new pair right now. Whatever the reason, those jeans showed off his figure to a stunning degree. The shape of his thighs and calves was crystal clear. He had left the T-shirt untucked so that it was a bit of a challenge to see his front and backside. I was a little disappointed to see that he had put his sneakers back on, or maybe he had just pulled his school khakis off over them. Maybe he figured that because I had not made him take his shoes off downstairs, that I didn’t want him to take them off at all. Whatever... the afternoon was still young!
I remembered to close my mouth before drool started coming out of it, and smiled. Jesse had taken the time to comb his silky blonde hair and it looked just perfect, parted in the middle with long flowing bangs hanging on either side of his head, covering most of his ears.
“You...you look good...” I said with unabashed admiration.
Jesse blushed and looked at the floor. “Whatever,” he mumbled with an embarrassed shrug.
“What kind of video games do you like?” I asked, feeling a need to quickly change the subject.
“Well, what do you have?” he asked hesitantly.
“I’ve got a Gamecube, Xbox, and PS 2, and dozens of games for each one!” I know it sounded like I was bragging but I was just trying to give Jesse all the options I could.
“Well, like I said, I’m not very good at video games,” Jesse reminded me, slowly making his way over to where I was rummaging through my collection. He looked so sexy, walking across the room in his tight jeans, his T-shirt hugging his perfectly shaped torso. It was hard to just stand there and not want to grab him in my arms!
“Do you have one of those story kind of games, with characters and stuff?” he asked shyly.
“Yeah, lots of those,” I said. “What genre do you like? Outdoors stuff, extreme sports, fantasy...?”
”Fantasy sounds cool!” he said, his eyes lighting up a little. And then he seemed to remember something. “Do you have Zelda?”
“Which one?” I asked. “There are dozens of them.”
“Oh, I don’t know...” Jesse blushed, embarrassed at his lack of video game knowledge.
“The latest one has some pretty cool 3D graphics!” I offered, pulling it out.
“That sounds cool,” Jesse acknowledged, cutely stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. This had the effect of lifting his T-shirt up a bit so that I could at least get a hint of the bulge in the front of his jeans. I wondered if he was getting hard, because I sure was.
I got the CD-ROM out and placed it in the PS2. I found the remote and flicked the TV on. Usually I laid on my bed crossways when I played video games by myself, but that seemed a little forward, especially for someone as shy as Jesse. So I just sat down on the floor in front of the TV and leaned back against the bed. The thick comforter provided a decent enough backrest. As Jesse settled in a couple feet away from me, I handed him the other controller. My heart was pounding hard again and my throat felt dry. But I tried to focus on the game and keep my feelings under control. I was so afraid of scaring Jesse off, it made my stomach ache as I tried to hold everything in.
I explained the basic premise and how the controllers worked. As he had warned me, he didn’t have much video game experience, and it showed as he fumbled with the controls, blushing and laughing at himself as tried to remember which button made the character jump and which one made him run. But he was a quick learner and soon we were well into the adventure. I couldn’t help stealing glances at him, watching the game reflected in his big blue eyes, seeing his lips tighten and his brow furrow in concentration. He was sitting with his knees pulled up a little but with his legs spread wide enough so he could hold the controller in front of him unencumbered. I was sitting crosslegged so that my left knee occasionally brushed up against Jesse’s right calve. It sent little shockwaves through my body every time we ‘inadvertently’ bumped our legs together. Either Jesse was too involved in the game to notice, or he was intentionally ignoring it. Still, even after we had bumped a good half dozen times, he didn’t wiggle away.
Eventually, I stretched my legs out, letting them spread in a comfortable ‘V’ away from my body, the toes of my white sock feet pointing toward the ceiling.
It was actually impressive how quickly Jesse caught on to the game. When we started, he seemed like a rank amateur. Now he kept up with my character as if he had been playing this game for weeks.
I knew it was because I read too much sci-fi, but I was beginning to think of Jesse in superhuman terms. He was physically as perfect as a thirteen year old boy could be. He could be extremely bashful, but he actually had quite a sly sense of humor. His athletic abilities were astounding, especially considering he looked so fragile most of the time, like he would crumble if you patted him on the shoulder too hard or something. Of course I was the only one in school that knew that nothing could be further from the truth. He had made me swear that I wouldn’t tell anyone about his blackbelt. He said it would just lead to a lot of unpleasantness, and I think he knew what he was talking about. Every bully around would want to challenge him, and even his friends might think he was a bit of a freak.
After about forty minutes, I pulled my knees up, getting ready to get to my feet. “I’m getting thirsty,” I declared. “Why don’t we go downstairs and get a couple of more Cokes?” I suggested.
I waited for Jesse to nod in agreement before I quit the game. While he seemed to enjoy it, I could tell he was doing it as much for me as for anything else. I wondered if he was just counting the hours until he could go home, or if there was something else he really wanted to do. I sensed a little of the fear that I had felt at school the day I flipped out in the boys’ john, creeping back into my head.
“Are you having a good time?” I asked nervously, as we went down the stairs.
“Yes,” Jesse said without hesitation. “You’re house is so cool and I...” His voice trailed off mysteriously.
“And what?” I asked at the bottom of the stairs.
Jesse shrugged and blushed again, the long bangs of blonde hair falling into his eyes as he shyly lowered his head.
“I guess...I was going to say,” he stammered, “I’m glad you invited me over, Perry!” He looked up with an embarrassed smile on his red flushed face.
“And I’m really glad you came,” I said with relief, sensing that we were having a serious moment here. I hoped he would say more, but he just kept staring at me with those sparkly blue eyes, a little tight lipped smile on his angelic face.
“I was so looking forward to you coming over,” I said, finally breaking the silence. I walked to the kitchen.
“Me too,” Jesse answered simply.
I started to open the fridge.
“You know, I’d rather just have some ice water instead of another Coke,” he said. “I think the caffeine is making me feel a little jittery!”
I almost laughed out loud. Jittery? How did he think I was feeling? Jittery didn’t begin to describe it. It would probably take about a dozen shots of pure Espresso to recreate the jumpy, giddy, nervous tension I was feeling right now.
“Sure,” I said, closing the fridge. I went to the cupboard and got down two tall glasses. I handed one to Jesse and he just looked at me blankly. Then I realized what was going on and went back to the fridge. I put my glass under the ice dispenser and waited while the mini cubes tumbled in.
”That’s so cool!” Jesse exclaimed yet again, sounding like a little boy seeing a shiny red bike for the first time.
I didn’t say anything, but moved the glass over to the water dispenser. When I was done, I gestured for Jesse to help himself. And he did, and seemed to enjoy every second of it. I had to smile at the way he giggled with joy as the ice cubes came tumbling into his glass.
We stood leaning against the kitchen counter, not speaking while we sipped our water. I had to admit, water was the right ticket just then. I liked the tart, carbonated sensation of Coke, but didn’t always need that jolt of sweetness that went along with it.
Tense with anticipation, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer to ‘move things ahead.’ Otherwise, I was afraid I’d jump right out of my skin!
“So, dude, you’ve got to show me some of those awesome moves of yours!” I reminded him.
Jesse blushed a little, but nodded reluctantly.
“It’s not something you can learn in a day,” he reminded me.
“I know that. I just want you to show me some of those blocks you used the other night...and maybe how to flip someone,” I added with an evil grin.
“Oh, is that all?” he asked, setting his empty glass down on the Corian counter. “Do you want to go outside?” he asked.
“No, it’s kinda messy in the back. They’re still working on the pool,” I explained.
“You have a pool?” Jesse’s face lit up in amazement.
“Yeah,” I said, thinking how great it would be to see Jesse in a pair of swimtrunks..."It’s been a problem almost since we moved here. It’s got some serious cracks and it’s been drained since the end of summer now,” I said in a bummed out voice. (Did I see Jesse glance at my butt when I mentioned the word ‘cracks,’ or was it just my imagination?) “Anyway, I think there’ll be enough room in the den. At least it’s carpeted,” I said, leading the way.
“Let’s just move the coffee table up against the sofa,” I suggested, having of course, planned this all out almost a week ago now.
It was a light piece of furniture, just a mahogany top with no shelves or compartments underneath, and the two of us lifted it easily, leaving a good sized space for us to work with.
“Okay,” Jesse said with hesitation. He seemed more nervous than before, and I wasn’t sure why. I hoped it was for the same reasons as me, but it could just as easily been because he was afraid of hurting me or breaking something in the room. I was absolutely giddy with anticipation.
“Blocks, huh?” he repeated my request uncomfortably.
He positioned me a couple feet in front of him and told me to grab for his neck. This I did without hesitation, and his arms shot up from his sides lightening quick, knocking my arms out of the way. I insisted we try it again, and again. I was really trying now, and I still couldn’t even get close to him.
He told me to come at him from the side and he clipped me sharply on the shoulder, causing me to lose my balance. I fell to the floor in shock. It had happened so fast!
“Oh, shit, Perry! I’m so sorry!” he apologized as he helped me up. Actually, even though it had been a pretty hard blow, the firm, warm touch of his delicate fingers wrapped around my arm more than made up for it.
“That was unbelievable,” I told him, assuring him that I was just fine. “How about some flips?” I asked, hopefully using my big hazel puppy dog eyes to full advantage.
“You want me to actually flip you?” he asked a little disbelievingly.
“Absolutely,” I insisted.
Jesse seemed to think about it for a moment, and then shrugged in reluctant agreement. He paused for a moment, as if trying to come to a decision about something. Then, to my utter joy, Jesse moved off to the side and toed off his sneakers! It was the moment I had been waiting for. I loved it that he took off his shoes just like any other teenager, stepping on the back of the heel with the opposite toe and pressing down as he lifted his foot out, the laces still tied in neat white bows. I could only see the fronts of his feet from under the frayed cuffs of his jeans. I loved it that his feet looked just a touch to big for the rest of his body, making him somehow even more youthful looking and totally endearing. I could see the impressions of his long straight toes clearly delineated through the fabric of his clean white socks.
He nudged his shoes lightly towards the wall, making sure they would be out of our way. I resisted the urge to bend down, pick up his sneakers, and take a deep whiff of Jesse’s scent into my nostrils.
He gave me a shy smile, and then turned serious again. “Okay, come at me...but slowly,” he explained. “We’re going to do this in a kind of slow motion, so I don’t hurt you.”
“Here I come,” I said, slowly coming across the room in my sock feet, my arms held out threateningly in front of me. I snarled for dramatic effect and Jesse broke up with genuine, uncontrolled laughter. He held up a hand, indicating that he wasn’t ready. “Give me a break, dude!” he laughed unabashedly.
It thrilled me that I could make this beautiful boy laugh! And laugh so wholeheartedly!
“You look like some kind of constipated apeman!” he gasped between fits of near hysteric laughter.
We were both laughing now, and it took me a minute to get my composure back. I decided to take another tact.
“I’m going to get you, you little shit!” I growled, mocking the bullies who had chased us at the mall.
“Oh yeah?” Jesse said with a grin. He didn’t even wait for me to come all the way, but ran up, grabbed one of my arms, put his other foot out and--flipped me! Right over his back. I was so astonished that I fell right on my ass! He looked down at me, and instead of offering me a helping hand, he just stood their red faced and laughing.
I leapt to my feet and lunged at him again without warning. With a swish of blonde hair and a sudden jolt, I was right back on the floor again. It was incredible! And my ass was really getting sore!
“Hey, I need this thing for sitting down!” I reminded him, as I got on my knees and rubbed my denim clad backside.
This just made Jesse laugh even harder, and he finally collapsed to his knees. I saw my chance and fell on top of him, knocking him to the floor on his back. I thought for sure that he’d brush me off like a bothersome fly, but he just lay there. I could feel his whole body convulsing with free flowing laughter. There were even tears in the corners of his eyes from laughing so hard!
I made myself more comfortable, straddling his sides with my legs, and resting my butt comfortably on his lean stomach. I could feel his chest rising and falling beneath me. I just looked at him, enjoying watching him laugh. I swore that I could even see my own face reflected in those glistening azure pools that were his eyes. Then, without even thinking it through, I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. His perspiration left a slightly salty taste on my lips. I pulled back, getting ready to be thrown off.
Instead, Jesse just stared at me through his moist eyes. He had stopped laughing and there was a look of surprise on his smooth, rosy cheeked face.
Oh my God, what had I done? I felt like I had just swallowed my heart. A wave of total panic surged through my body. I was sure he was going to call me a fag and storm out of the house angry and embarrassed. I got ready to apologize, hoping that I hadn’t ruined everything.
Quickly, grabbing me by the back of the neck, Jesse pulled me back down so our faces were just inches apart. I could smell his sweet breath and the slightly pungent odor of his sweat. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek and smiled.
I sat there staring down at him. Even though we had just exchanged the smallest of kisses, I still couldn’t tell what Jesse was really feeling. Maybe this was all just a silly joke to him, like Bugs Bunny planting a wet one on Elmer Fudd just before leaping back into his wabbit hole.
“You smell good,” I said in a raspy voice barely above a whisper.
“You smell like sweat!” Jesse answered playfully.
I couldn’t believe this was happening! There I was, lying on the floor of the den in my own house, sitting on top of the most beautiful, intelligent, endlessly talented teenage boy that ever walked the face of the Earth! I felt his chest heave as he breathed heavily beneath me.
“Do you want me to get off?” I asked cautiously, still speaking in a hushed voice.
Jesse shook his head, and that’s when I started to believe that we just might be on the same wave length. Or maybe not--it didn’t seem possible that he could have the same intensity of feelings for me that I had for him. After all, he was the blonde angel. He could have any girl in our class--or the whole town for that matter! I was just a skinny, brown haired dork with big eyes and pouty lips--and a freakin’ boy on top of that! Still, if he even felt a tenth of what I was feeling, it was good! Very good! I had to take a chance...
“I...I...” My voice quivered as if I was standing in front of the whole class giving a speech in my birthday suit. “Jesse, I...think I love you!” I finally got the words out and it felt like a dam had burst. There was such a feeling of release and satisfaction at expressing those feelings out loud.
There was an uncomfortably long silence, as Jesse seemed to absorb the words I had just uttered. Strangely though, he didn’t look surprised. It was more like he was contemplating his response. My stomach was tied in a painful knot and I held my breath. I now understood clearly what it meant to take a leap of faith. I had jumped, and either Jesse was going to catch me, or I was going to go down in flames. It all seemed very lucid to me at that moment.
Slowly, a smile grew on his face and his eyes seemed to sparkle with that inner light that had no physical source.
“You think!” Jesse said with a furrowed brow, even though he was still smiling. One silvery tear trickled down the side of his face. I reached down and touched it with my finger. “You think!” he repeated in disbelief. “Shit--I know I’m in love with you, you dufus!” He looked at me with a warm smile, his eyes shimmering with moisture.
I released the air I had been holding in my lungs, and took in the first breath of my new life. I had just been reborn. Everything from now on would be a completely new experience. I would no longer think of myself as a single person, but as part of a double entity: Jesse and me.
“I know too,” I insisted, feeling a little embarrassed that Jesse had been able to speak his feelings so much more truthfully than me. At least I had been first, I thought petulantly. “I knew there was something special about you from the first day you walked into class!” I beamed with joy and relief.
“It took me a while...” Jesse said teasingly, “but I guess I finally came around!” he giggled mischievously.
Today was the first time I had ever seen Jesse really exhibit any sense of humor at all. Until now, he had always been so quiet and serious. Even his jokes tended to be of the dry, sarcastic variety. Now he seemed completely different. And yet, at the same time, I knew this was the real Jesse. He had just been holding it in, hiding it perhaps. And maybe not even just from the day he walked into our class. Maybe for a long, long time! I felt tears welling up in my eyes now, thinking about how he might have suffered, maybe for years, before he came into my life.
Jesse reached up to catch one of my tears on his finger. “Does your ass really hurt that much?” he asked with a sly grin.
“Actually, it does,” I responded with a sudden smile, realizing this wasn’t a time to get all weepy and sentimental. This was the start of something new and completely and utterly wonderful! “And I’m afraid it’s going to cost you! Hehehe!”
I pivoted around so that my back (and butt) were facing Jesse. I slid down his legs a little, pinning them tightly with mine as I went. I knew he could shrug me off anytime he wanted to, but somehow, I didn’t think that was going to happen right now. So I reached forward, tugging one of Jesse’s socks down to his ankle. I got it over his heel and was starting to pull it up over his toes before he realized what was happening.
“What the hell are you doing?” he asked in a slightly concerned, but still cheerful voice.
“I’ve been wanting to do this from the first day I saw you!” I explained, not pausing at all in removing his socks. It really felt quite arousing to have Jesse squirming beneath me. I had his thighs locked down between my knees and when he wiggled his legs, he was also rubbing my crotch. I began running my fingers up and down his bare soles as I tried to keep his ankles pinned. Jesse was obviously very ticklish, because he began bucking like one of those mechanical bulls. Still laughing hysterically, he made a desperate lunge for my feet, trying to get hold of my socks and only succeeding in tugging them down off my toes a bit. I quickly sprang up, Jesse’s warm socks still triumphantly in my hands. Jesse just lay there with a big silly grin on his face. He wiggled his long toes helplessly.
“Sock thief!” he cried, bursting into uncontrolled laughter yet again. Soon we were both laughing hysterically again. It was such a cathartic experience, just laughing and laughing until we were both redfaced and out of breath.
Finally, Jesse was coughing more than he was laughing. Weakly, he pulled himself up to a sitting position, knees bent, leaning against the coffee table for support.
“Enough, dude!” he gasped. “I gotta have a drink!”
“Just stay put,” I ordered him. “Ice water okay?”
Jesse just nodded, still coughing and giggling, although in a more subdued manner.
I still clutched Jesse’s socks in my hand as I went to the kitchen. Once I was around the corner and was sure Jesse couldn’t see me, I brought the deflated crew socks up to my nose and breathed deeply. It was Jesse’s scent all right, with just a hint of the slightly vinegary smell of sweaty feet mixed in. It seemed sweeter than any perfume I had ever smelled. I stuffed his socks into one of the front pockets of my jeans and refilled both our water glasses. Jesse was still leaning up against the coffee table when I returned, still smiling, and still flushed a bright rosy red in the cheeks. His slender bare feet, a whole shade more pale than his arms and face (which had tanned a little since he arrived at our school), poked out from the cuffs of his frayed jeans.
“We need to talk, dude!” Jesse said, tears still in his eyes. And even though he was still smiling, I knew that he was serious.
He chugged his ice water down in a few gulps, wiping his mouth with his bare arm. We moved the coffee table back to its original position and flopped down on the soft, overstuffed sofa. It had never felt more comfortable. I scooted over to sit right next to Jesse, but didn’t touch him. I knew that would just make me lose it for sure.
“So what do you think,” I asked seriously, “Are we both crazy?” I was in a slight state of shock and disbelief, knowing that we had said the words, had even seen the truth in each other’s eyes, and yet, I still harbored some doubts. After all, what did a thirteen year old kid know about love? It seemed like the correct term to describe how I felt about Jesse, but the implications of it continued to frightened me. My intellect told me to proceed with caution despite the very powerful messages coming from the combined might of my hormones and my heart.
“Er..what do you mean?” Jesse asked coyly, looking at me deeply with those bright blue eyes sparkling with unspilled tears.
I felt like I had to turn away, just to avoid melting at his gaze. “Are we...you know...” I hesitated and took a breath, “...really in love?” I whispered, looking down at my knees.
When there was no immediate reply, I looked up. Jesse was still staring at me fixedly. There was a confidence in his gaze that shook me, made me feel small and weak in comparison.
“I don’t know about you,” he finally answered, “but I’ve never had such strong feelings about somebody before,” he said with awe in his voice.
“So you...you feel the same way about me as I do about you?” I asked, feeling the tears starting to well up again as emotion threatened to regain control.
“I love you, Perry. There’s no other word for it. It’s gotta be that or I don’t know what...” He fidgeted in his seat a little bit. The overstuffed sofa threatened to swallow him up and he wiggled forward on the cushion. “I could call you my best friend in the whole world but...the truth is, that just doesn’t do it justice.”
“I feel the same way,” I blurted out, struggling to hold back the surge of emotion that was building in my chest. “You’re my angel, Jesse, my sweet, precious angel and you’re just so perfect and beautiful and...”
Jesse touched my lip delicately with one finger.
“You’re going to pop a blood vessel, dude,” he cautioned me in a quiet, soothing voice, a little hoarse from all the excitement of the last fifteen minutes.
I nodded, trying to pull myself together. I wanted to have this conversation. It was important. But the feelings churning around inside me kept threatening to come gushing out in an uncontrollable torrent, words of love and devotion, showers of kisses and hugs, and...the urge to be physically close to Jesse. It was getting to be overwhelming and I knew that I was just barely able to keep myself thinking straight.
“I know,” I acknowledged his concern. “All these feelings, these needs and urges, have been building up inside of me for weeks.” I breathed heavily and it sounded almost like a sob even though I was filled with joy and relief. “I’ve been really confused...”
“I was confused too,” Jesse revealed, though he sounded like he had things much more under control than I did. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked hesitantly.
“Anything,” I assured him.
“That time at lunch, when I found you in the library, and you took off for the bathroom--what was that all about?”
I blushed with embarrassment, despite the watershed moment we had just experienced, and the expressions of love we had just exchanged. How could I explain to him about the crazy thoughts and the emotional well I fell into that day? Still, I owed him a truthful explanation. At least then, we could move on to other things...And by the way, did he understand what I had meant when I told him I was confused? One thing at a time...
“You’re going to think I’m nuts,” I said, “but I somehow got it into my thick head that...” I looked at him to find the strength I needed to get the words out, “...that you didn’t like me...” My voice choked as I practically whispered my admission, my face turning hot and presumably beet red. I just looked at him pathetically, indicating that was all there was too it. Much to my consternation, making that admission also brought along with it echoes of the horrible, desperate feelings that had suddenly overwhelmed me that day. I felt my stomach tighten uncomfortably.
“Why would you think that?” he asked with puzzled surprise.
I took a deep breath, willing myself not to go to pieces again. “Sometimes, it seems like you don’t want to talk to me,” I said, feeling foolish to make such a juvenile accusation.
Jesse seemed to consider my explanation seriously, but he didn’t say anything. I watched as tears began to leak silently out of the bottoms of his eyes. What had I done? The last thing I wanted to do was drive Jesse to tears! This was not going well at all!
“But dude, it was just me...it was just that I wanted so badly to be you’re friend...I...I just started imagining all kinds of stupid things,” I stammered emotionally, “...I....was...just so...”
“Stupid, dumb, fuckin’ moron,” Jesse interrupted in a very quiet voice.
“Huh?” I said, startled by his harsh language.
“That’s what you called yourself--a stupid, dumb, fuckin’ moron--remember?” he asked, wiping the tears from his eyes.
I nodded dumbly in agreement, remembering how frustrated and foolish I had felt that day.
“And remember, I said you weren’t?” he reminded me.
I nodded, sniffling and wiping a burgeoning tear from my own eye.
“And then...I did this...” he said, and reached out to brush my cheek with his fingers. “Remember?” he asked in a hushed voice choked with emotion.
I grabbed hold of his narrow wrist and did what I had wanted to do that day. I brought his whole hand up against my cheek and pressed it into my own soft flesh. Jesse smiled, his lip quivering a little.
“Jesse...” I whispered.
Still holding his hand against my cheek, I leaned over and pressed my lips to his, my eyes closing as we made contact. Jesse’s arms went around my neck and my hands grabbed onto his shoulders. At first, we just pressed them together, his soft spongy lips against mine, pushing harder and harder. Then our mouths opened and I tilted my head to lock us together. It just seemed like the natural thing to do. Our tongues hesitantly probed each other’s mouths and I tasted Jesse and he tasted me! Now that I had that taste, it seemed like I couldn’t get enough, couldn’t go deep enough. I pushed with my lips and probed with my tongue, startled when our teeth clanked into each other! We pulled apart, holding our hands to our mouths. It hurt a little, but it had been more of a shock than anything else. We laughed at the look of surprise on each other’s face.
If the touch of Jesse’s fingers on my cheek had sent a tingle of electricity through my body, then this was more like a million volts! But there was nothing at all shocking about it. Instead, I felt a warmness fill my insides, and it wasn’t just a physical sensation. It was the sense that I had made intimate contact with the boy of my dreams. I felt light headed and there was a sense of urgency building from deep inside. Once again, our lips locked together and our tongues swirled around. Our thighs pressed together and I ended up hooking one of my legs over his so that we could get even closer to each other. This time, it was finally the desperate need to breath that caused us to separate. I fell back on the sofa, gasping, my chest heaving as I tried to get air into my starved lungs. When I turned towards Jesse, it was to see him staring at me with something like wonderment.
“I’ve wanted to do that since the first day I saw you,” he said, a satisfied smile breaking out on his flushed face.
Except for the quick pecks I gave my mom, or one of my relatives, this was the first time I had ever really kissed someone and--duh--of course, it wasn’t anything like those! It was incredible! Who would have thought that two people locking their lips together and swirling their wet slimy tongues in each other’s mouths could be such an amazing experience? Of course, I’d seen it in a hundred movies and TV shows, even seen people, young and old, doing it at the mall or in the park or at a party. But it never occurred to me that it would be something so...arrousing! That one amazing first kiss, that had evolved from two boys pressing their lips against each other for the very first time, to tongues swirling around like rabid dogs in each others’ mouths, had opened a whole new world to me. The fears and doubts that still plagued my rational mind were becoming simply overwhelmed by the feelings and needs of the rest of my being.
“Do you think we could...” I struggled to speak the words without desperation, the feelings were that strong. “Do you think we could maybe...go upstairs?” I asked, finally daring to look at him through tear blurred eyes.
“Is that what you want to do?” Jesse asked carefully. And I could tell he understood exactly what I was not saying.
I nodded, sniffling like a baby. Jesse brushed a lingering tear from my eye and he smiled reassuringly.
“Let’s go,” he said quietly. He got to his feet and then reached out to take my hand. He pulled me up with strength that never ceased to surprise me. He always looked so delicate, like the perfect blossom that would just wilt completely if you touched it. But I could feel the underlying hardness of well honed muscles as he tugged me to my feet.
I felt wobbly as we made our way slowly up the stairs, Jesse’s hand in mine. My mind was racing, wondering what we were going to do, and whether we even should.
I have received many favorable responses to the story thus far. Thank you, they are very encouraging.
Comments and constructive criticism are welcome: underthehoodster@netscape.net