Perspectives

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Part 13. Truth Time! What Could Go Wrong?: Jason's Perspective

There we were...in my hotel room, sitting at the table in the corner. John had just stumbled upon me giving the concierge the heave-ho after an ill-conceived sexual encounter that was supposed to help take John off my mind. And now he was grilling me about what had happened between us the night before. Despite the fact that - in a drunken stupor - he'd kissed me and made it seem like he wanted to do more, I'd done the right thing and plopped him in his bed after copping a few good feels of his chest as I was undressing him, he claimed he couldn't remember what went on. Except, he said he was starting to remember enough of what happened that he was beginning to think we'd actually had sex.

And now, John was sitting across from me at the table, pleading with me with his eyes to put him out of his misery and confirm that we indeed hadn't had sex.

"We didn't... I mean...you and I, didn't... Did we?" He had agony and anticipation written all over his face.

Part of me wanted to lie to him. Maybe, if he thought I'd let him fuck me last night, this would all somehow end with him fucking me again willingly and completely sober. But looking at his face and into his eyes...seeing the man that had practically made me hate him over these past few weeks, but also the man I'd fallen in lust with pretty hard and still admired on a personal level...I knew I couldn't lie to him. My conscience would eat away at me if I did.

I looked him directly in the eyes and smiled. "No. Of course not. I was a perfect gentleman. Everything happened just like I told you earlier after I got out of the shower. I put you in bed, undressed you, and then slept on the couch in case you got sick overnight." Maybe, if he was relieved enough, he'd forget the memory he was having of me feeling-up his chest.

As I expected, I saw relief immediately wash over his face. His seated posture in the chair relaxed and he let out a big sigh. "Thank God!" Then, probably self-conscious about possibly offending me, he quickly looked at me. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just that I'm glad I didn't make a huge mistake and do something to hurt my family."

"No. It's okay. I get it." I said, trying to hide how his reaction DID sting just a little. "And, for the record, I'd never put you in a position like that."

He cracked a grin. "Thanks. I appreciate that." Then, as if seemingly remembering something else, an expression of unease came across his face. "Wait, though. What about the memories I'm having of us kissing? THAT didn't really happen...did it?"

Just when I thought maybe John and I would come out of this ordeal closer and on better terms... "Uh. Well..."

"Come on, man! Tell me!" John looked at me anxiously.

"We did kiss in the elevator...and in the hallway while I was trying to open your hotel room door. Come to think of it, you get awfully frisky when you're drunk."

"I get frisky? Wait. You're talking like I was the one who initiated the kissing."

I didn't want to hurt the guy or make him angry with me. But, I had to tell him the truth. "That's because you did."

"Oh, God!" John put his hand on his forehead and looked like he might pass out.

I moved over to the chair directly next to him at the table. "Listen, John. Nothing happened between us. Us kissing doesn't matter." Even though to me, it did.

"But, apparently, I wanted something to happen between us. Otherwise, I wouldn't have..." He was turning as pale as a piece of notebook paper.

"John, you were drunk. No one thinks clearly when they're drunk. The fact that you came on to me doesn't mean anything, if that's what you're worried about." I was tap dancing as fast as I could to make my boss feel better. Why was I trying to so hard to absolve him of any responsibility for kissing me? John looked at me thoughtfully for a moment and then sighed. Not a sigh of relief as he'd done before. This one appeared to be the sigh of resignation that usually precedes a revelation of truth. However, before he could speak, my need to be completely honest cut him off. "There's something else I think you should know about what happened in the elevator."

His eyes widened and he glared at me. "What? Dear God, what more did I do?"

"You were saying that, now that you're married, you never get to do what you want to do. And then, before we kissed - and while we kissed - you kept saying how you wanted to do what you wanted to do. While we were in the hallway, trying to get into your hotel room and you were draped against me, kissing my neck and rubbing my chest from behind, you kept saying it, too. I thought you were saying that you wanted to have sex with me."

For a moment, John looked like he'd been caught red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar. But, quickly, he became defensive with me. "So?! You said yourself I was drunk. I was just rambling. That's all." I had thought maybe hearing what he'd said to me might cause John to admit there was something more between us than just a boss and employee relationship. Dejected, I looked down at my hands folded together on top of the table. "Jason, look at me." When I looked back up into his eyes, he was staring back at me, intently. "I was just rambling because I was drunk. You hear me? That's all!"

Who was he trying to convince? Me or himself?

Things had taken a drastic turn in just the past half an hour. As long as the truth was starting to pour out, I decided it was time that John knew the whole truth. This wasn't going to be easy. It might cost me dearly at work once John heard what I had to say. I didn't have to tell him. We could end the conversation here and now and he'd never have to know. But, given what happened last night and what I'd just told him. I figured I owed it to John to give him context as to just how hard it was for me to put him in bed and go to sleep on the couch across the room without doing what I wanted to do.

Before I could speak, John put his hands on the arms of the chair to brace himself as he started to get up. "I'd better head back to my room. This was a lot to take in. I need some time alone to process..."

I reached out and put my hand on his arm to stop him. It stung a little bit when he jumped a little and recoiled at my touch. "John, wait. There's something else I need to tell you."

He slumped back down into the chair and stared at me in disbelief. "Oh, for the love of puppies! What now? Did I offer to blow you last night or something?!"

I smiled at him, hoping to put him at ease before dropping the next bomb on him. "No. This isn't about you. It's about me."

"Ooookaaaaay..." he looked at me warily. "What is it?"

I felt like I was breaking out in a cold sweat. In fact, I was sure that I was the one who was now looking pale. I did my best to steel my nerves so that I could get through this. "If you're wondering why I didn't stop you from kissing me in the elevator and why I let you manhandle me in the hallway, it's because I liked it."

"Hey, you just told me you're gay. What self-respecting gay man wouldn't like a little action from another guy?" What a typical straight-guy thing to say. Like we're all nymphomaniacs...

"That's not it, John. And, just to be clear, I have my own likes and dislikes when it comes to guys. I wouldn't let every guy I pass on the street have a go at me."

"Okay. Fair enough. Sorry for generalizing. Go on with what you were telling me."

"I don't know how to go about saying this, so I'm just going to tell you straight out. I have a crush on you, John. I have since the first day I saw you."

"Oh," was all he said back to me. He didn't look like he was about to jump out of his skin. He didn't look panicked. It was as if I'd just told him that I had a doctor's appointment coming up in a couple days. This was the same guy who has had run ins with almost everyone at work over even the smallest perceived slight. What was going on here? Who is this guy and what did he do with John?

"Oh? That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"Yeah. That's all I have to say."

"That's certainly not the reaction I was expecting."

"How did you want me to react? Anger, shock, disgust?"

"Well..."

John smiled at me and reached over to pat me on the shoulder, sending chills throughout my body. "I have a confession of my own to make, Jason. I've known for a long time how you feel about me."

That was kind of a surprise. I mean, I always feel like I'm kind of obvious when I'm attracted to someone. But, I thought I'd been able to restrain myself from tipping my hand to John. "What? Are you a mind reader or something?"

He chuckled. "No. It's just... Well... All those reassuring e-mails you sent me when I first got hired. The way you look at me...and my crotch. And let's face it. I have a reputation in the office for being long-winded. You're the only person at work who seems to actually enjoy when I stop by and end up spending 20 minutes talking about something that could've been resolved in two minutes."

"That doesn't mean anything! I enjoy talking to you!"

He laughed again and gripped my shoulder. "I already like you, Jason. You don't have to flatter me!" For a moment, he let his hand stay on my shoulder and he looked into my eyes. I felt the same energy between us that I felt last night before he kissed me. For another few beats, time seemed to freeze and we stayed in that pose. It was starting to become obvious to me that John had lied to me when he said what happened between us last night meant nothing. I only wish he'd stop lying about it and be honest with me.

Then, as if he realized what was happening between us, he jerked his hand away from me and got up from the table. "I'd better head back to my room and see if I can get in touch with the family..."

"Oh. Okay, John... Maybe we can get together later and see about finding some dinner."

He was almost to the door when he turned around. "Nah. I'll probably just fend for myself tonight. Feel free to do your own thing."

"Oh." I guess this is the part where things get awkward and we become even more distant at work than we'd been lately. "Okay, then. See you later, I guess..."

I watched as he opened the door and started to walk out into the hallway. Except he stopped. Halfway out the door, he froze in his tracks and reversed course, shutting the door again. "Is something wrong, John?"

"No. Nothing's wrong. It's just that I figure... If you had the guts to be honest with me, I should have the guts to do the same with you. Besides, we're stranded here with nothing to do but watch wall-to-wall reporting on TV about the snowstorm. We might as well get everything out on the table." He walked back to the table and sat down. I wasn't exactly sure what was about to happen. But I knew there was a renewed electricity in the air and my dick was definitely responding to it.

Part 14. Laying All My Cards On The Table?: John Perspective

"We didn't... I mean...you and I didn't... Did we?"

As far as I was concerned, time had stood still after I asked Jason that question. As I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to answer, I couldn't read what he was thinking. Any second, he'd tell me my future. I was either destined to move on with my life and try to figure out how to put these thoughts about Jason behind me, or... Or, I'd have to live with the guilt of having cheated on the love of my life. And Jason just sat there, staring blankly at me. Oh to be in his shoes and have nothing to lose...no guilty conscience...no urge to reach across the table, grab the collar of his shirt and pull him into a fuckin' hot kiss. Wait... WHAT?!?!

Before I could spend any time admonishing myself for where my mind had just gone, Jason looked me in the eyes and spoke...finally answering my question. "No. Of course not. I was a perfect gentleman. Everything happened just like I told you earlier after I got out of the shower. I put you in bed, undressed you, and then slept on the couch in case you got sick overnight."

To say I was relieved would be an understatement. I hadn't done anything to jeopardize my life with Laura and the kids after all. I was over the moon! As a reflex, I let out a louder-than-it-should've-been "Thank God!" and slumped back in the chair. But then these other feelings inside me began to make themselves known again. Lest there was ever any chance that I'd get to act on whatever these pesky feelings were, I felt compelled to add the caveat, "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just that I'm glad I didn't make a huge mistake and do something to hurt my family."

While Jason was telling me that he understood my reaction, it occurred to me that his completely whitewashed explanation of what had happened between us last night didn't cover the flashes of memory that I had of the two of us kissing and I told him as much. When he got an uneasy look on his face and seemed reluctant to say anything, I began to worry that he was either lying to me about what happened to spare my feelings, or things had happened last night like he'd said and he was leaving out big chunks of the story. Why did I feel like a knot was forming in the pit of my stomach? And why was I both upset and excited about the possibility that I'd done something inappropriate last night when I was drunk? I needed to know exactly what Jason was holding back from me, so I pressed him. "Come on, man! Tell me!"

Jason averted his eyes from mine and looked at the table top. Why, I'm not sure. "We did kiss in the elevator...and in the hallway while I was trying to open your hotel room door." He returned his gaze to mine with a grin. "Come to think of it, you get awfully frisky when you're drunk."

Those words hit me like a slap in the face. Up until now, through all of the bursts of memory that I'd been having, I assumed that whatever had happened between us had been a result of Jason taking advantage of my inebriated state. Being confronted with evidence to the contrary was surprising. "I get frisky? Wait. You're talking like I was the one who initiated the kissing."

"That's because you did." Jason said with a grimace on his face, as if he was worried how I might react.

The reaction that I DID have probably didn't make him feel any better. "Oh God!" I uttered before putting my head in my hands. I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. I'm a married man...a father of three beautiful young children. I love my family, for God's sake! But if I'd started some sort of makeout session with Jason that meant that there was something more to all of these feelings I'd been having ever since I started working for Glenmont...all of the flirting and the fantasies. I was convinced that I would never do anything to hurt my family and those that I love. But, obviously there was something else inside me trying to come out...something that made me kiss Jason last night...and do God only knows what else. I felt myself starting to break out into a sweat. It was all becoming too much, this conflict raging inside me.

Just when I felt like I might pass out, I felt Jason get out of his chair and move over to the one next to me. At the same time, I wanted him to both keep his hands off of me and touch me all over my body. Strangely, it was a relief when he didn't put his hand on my back to comfort me. "Listen, John. Nothing happened between us. Us kissing doesn't matter."

As Jason continued trying to say all he could to comfort me, none of his words put me at ease. He was a good man for trying to make me feel better about what had happened. But the truth was, something that had been building inside me for the past several years and obviously been let out last night. And, now that the genie was out of the bottle - so to speak - I was worried that my family would end up collateral damage. I'd been drowning out most of what Jason was saying to me until he said something that made my ears perk up...and not in a good way. "There's something else I think you should know about what happened in the elevator."

Oh, great! More fuel to add to the fire that was threatening to engulf my soul. "What? Dear God, what more did I do?"

For a moment, Jason looked like he was going to hesitate before he finally told me. "You were saying that, now that you're married, you never get to do what you want to do. And then, before we kissed - and while we kissed - you kept saying how you wanted to do what you wanted to do. While we were in the hallway, trying to get into your hotel room and you were draped against me, kissing my neck and rubbing my chest from behind, you kept saying it, too. I thought you were saying that you wanted to have sex with me."

That sounded about right. Considering all of the fantasies I'd been having over the last several months - the very vivid one of Jason and I behind closed doors in his office - the bourbon from last night probably made it easier for me to act on what I really wanted. If Jason had let me, I probably WOULD have had sex with him last night. God, I was such a scumbag! What was I doing?! I was acting like I was resigned to letting my life be destroyed by these feelings. I couldn't let that happen! It's time that I go on the offensive and defend the life I've created for myself. "So?! You said yourself I was drunk. I was just rambling. That's all." When Jason slung his head downward, I wanted him to look at me so there'd be no misunderstanding my intentions. "Jason, look at me. I was just rambling because I was drunk. You hear me? That's all!"

We sat there for a few moments in silence, me glaring at Jason, hoping he'd get the message that nothing would ever happen between us...and hoping that my newfound facade of self-confidence would chase away the feelings about Jason that still churned in my stomach. When the shocked look on his face didn't give way to any sort of response, I decided it was best to get out of there. The less said, the better. Right? I started to get out of the chair. "I'd better head back to my room. This was a lot to take in. I need some time alone to process..."

Unfortunately, my quick escape wouldn't come as easily as I'd hoped. Jason reached out to grab my arm. I didn't want to show it, but it sent a shock through my body and came to rest in my cock. "John, wait. There's something else I need to tell you."

I slumped back down in the chair I'd just tried to vacate. What now?! What? Did I run up and down the hallway last night, shouting, `I'm in love with Jason McKinley and I want to have his babies!' at the top of my lungs? "Oh, for the love of puppies! What now? Did I offer to blow you last night or something?!"

Even after Jason said that this new bit of information was about himself and not about anything I had done, I eyed him suspiciously. This whole day so far had been one shock to the system after another from the morning when I woke up naked in bed until now. Although I couldn't remember over half of the things that had happened last night, I knew that Jason wasn't the type of guy to lie just for the hell of it. If he said his next bombshell didn't directly involve me, I was inclined to believe him.

"If you're wondering why I didn't stop you from kissing me in the elevator and why I let you manhandle me in the hallway, it's because I liked it."

Well, it wasn't exactly on par with `you initiated a kiss with me while you were drunk and I thought you wanted to take me back to your room and have sex with me.' I looked at Jason and tried to smile at him reassuringly. This felt like ground we'd already covered in our talk. "Hey, you just told me you're gay. What self-respecting gay man wouldn't like a little action from another guy?"

For a moment, an expression that looked like irritation passed over Jason's face. I'd just essentially reaffirmed that I didn't have a problem with his sexuality. How could that possibly be irritating? Quickly, the expression left Jason's face.

"That's not it, John. And, just to be clear, I have my own likes and dislikes when it comes to guys. I wouldn't let every guy I pass on the street have a go at me."

Now Jason's irritation became more clear. I wouldn't like someone including me in a blanket judgment. I shouldn't have done that to him. Wow, could I be an ass sometimes! "Okay. Fair enough. Sorry for generalizing. Go on with what you were telling me."

After he spoke, telling me, "I don't know how to go about saying this, so I'm just going to tell you straight out. I have a crush on you, John. I have since the first day I saw you," Jason cringed and shrunk away from me in his chair, as if he expected me to be upset. I had to fight the urge to grin at him.

"Oh," was all I said. It felt good to be right. But this was still a serious conversation we were having. Gloating - even just grinning - now would be the wrong move to make.

"Oh? That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"Yeah. That's all I have to say."

"That's certainly not the reaction I was expecting."

"How did you want me to react? Anger, shock, disgust?"

"Well..."

That hesitation on Jason's part hit me the wrong way. I thought the two of us were friends. He should've known that I'd never react that way. It hurt a little to know that he felt the same way about me that I knew so many of the others in the office felt. And that made me angry. I was about to say as much when it occurred to me that, over the past couple years, I'd done a lot to live up to that reputation...and I wasn't always the best boss I could be. And not only here in Denver, but back in the office too, I'd often made Jason face the brunt of that. So, instead of lashing out at him, I decided to tell him something that I thought might make this whole situation a little less awkward.

I reached out and patted his shoulder. "I have a confession of my own to make, Jason. I've known for a long time how you feel about me."

Maybe I shouldn't have told him that. If we were in the office, I'd be looking at the line veering into sexual harassment in the rear view mirror right about now. But, we weren't in the office. In fact, we'd stopped being boss and subordinate last night in that elevator. We were John and Jason, two guys trying to sort out our feelings.

Jason seemed kind of surprised by my revelation. When he asked me sarcastically if I was some sort of mind reader, I couldn't stop myself from chuckling. I had to reveal more to him about how I knew how he felt about me. "No. It's just... Well... All those reassuring e-mails you sent me when I first got hired. The way you look at me...and my crotch. And let's face it. I have a reputation in the office for being long-winded. You're the only person at work who seems to actually enjoy when I stop by and end up spending 20 minutes talking about something that could've been resolved in two minutes."

"That doesn't mean anything! I enjoy talking to you!"

I had to laugh when he responded that way. I know when someone's eyes glass-over with boredom. I see it all the time at work. But, talking things to death is a nervous habit of mine. I know NO ONE enjoys having me ramble on and on in their office. "I already like you, Jason. You don't have to flatter me!" My laugh settled into a smile and my hand reflexively gripped Jason's shoulder. When my hand made contact with his body, it felt so damn good to touch him. Why did it feel so good to touch him?

For a lot longer than it should have, my hand held a grip on his shoulder and we looked into each other's eyes. This was going back into a place that I didn't want it to go. Just five minutes ago, we had reached an end to this conversation and I was seconds away from escaping back to my hotel room. Now, even though I was the one touching him, I was back in Jason's grip. This was insane! And yet, I couldn't stop what was happening. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

But, it had to stop. I finally pulled my self together and jerked my hand away from him, standing up and saying the one thing that I thought might break the fever of this trance we were both in. "I'd better head back to my room and see if I can get in touch with the family..."

I'd almost made it to his hotel room door when, from behind he, he said, "Oh. Okay, John... Maybe we can get together later and see about finding some dinner."

As much as my body trembled when he said that, a sure sign that part of me wanted to see him again later, I couldn't let that happen. We needed to return our relationship to a purely professional level. And, if we were to see each other later, I wasn't sure things between us would ever be professional again. "Nah. I'll probably just fend for myself tonight. Feel free to do your own thing." I hope that sounded as nonchalant as I intended it to.

I reached out and grabbed the doorknob, pulling it open. I was almost free! As I stepped into the hallway, something inside me told me to stop. A lot had gone down today. Jason and I had been more honest with each other than I'd ever been with almost anyone in my whole life. But, I hadn't been completely honest with him, had I? There were a couple cards I was still holding that hadn't been put on the table yet. Sure. I could walk out the door and never say a word. He'd never be the wiser. I could try to go on with my life, pretending like he and I were square and there were no further secrets between us.

But that's not what I did. Instead, I stepped back inside and shut the door, turning around to face Jason, still seated at the table. "Is something wrong, John?"

Yes. Yes there is! I'm an idiot for doing what I'm about to do! "No. Nothing's wrong. It's just that I figure... If you had the guts to be honest with me, I should have the guts to do the same with you. Besides, we're stranded here with nothing to do but watch wall-to-wall reporting on TV about the snowstorm. We might as well get everything out on the table."

I walked back to the table and sat down in the seat I'd just vacated. It was probably a huge mistake to say what I was about to say. But I wasn't in control of myself anymore. I felt compelled to unburden myself. I only hoped that after I did, I wouldn't regret this choice...