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Part 17. I Guess You CAN Always Get What You Want (Or, Enduring A Character Assassination To Make Him Want You): Jason's Perspective
I was angry. I was hurt. But, most of all, I started to wonder if John had a point. From his perspective, I'd just boned some guy a short time ago and now I was ready to get in his pants, too. I'd been so blinded by lust that I looked past how hurt and confused John was. I wasn't all of the things he'd just said about me. But, I didn't handle him with the care that I should have. It was probably for the best that he'd left. We both obviously needed some time alone. And now, just when I thought John and I had reached a better place in our relationship, it was probably damaged beyond repair. In fact, I was pretty certain that, once we got back home, I'd need to start searching for a new job.
I'd think about that later, though. Right now, what I needed was a shower. I still had Pete, the hotel concierge, all over me. And, after what just happened with John, I felt even more gross.
Half an hour later, I was sitting in a chair in an alcove off to the side of the lobby, looking at the snow fall more lightly than it was before. I'd overheard a tourist family say that the weather reports were saying the storm was winding down. On my way to the lobby, I'd passed by John's hotel room and stopped. I came close to knocking, but thought better of it. I was still angry and I was pretty certain he was too. No. What we both needed was time alone.
I always used to scoff at people who said it was relaxing to just sit and stare out a window at nature. How could something that didn't involve watching a television, staring at a computer screen, or scrolling through a phone provide any sort of enjoyment or comfort. But now, sitting in the chair, watching the snow fall lightly, I completely understood. I felt a peacefulness come over me. I must've sat there for close to forty-five minutes when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I turned to look up and saw the face of Pete, the hotel concierge, looking down at me. "Hey..."
"Hi." It wasn't exactly a friendly response. But, my upbringing steeped in politeness and manners would let "get lost" escape my lips. Pete wasn't exactly someone I wanted to see right now.
"Want some company?"
I knew saying no would be rude. Though, after what happened between us earlier, no wouldn't be completely out of line. "Since the hotel's full and we're all stranded here, don't you have to work?" I hoped that would get my message across.
"I'm on a break. We can't all work 24 hours straight, after all." He smiled at me and I couldn't return the favor. Silently, I gestured to the open chair across from me. I know I'm a glutton for punishment. But at least SOMEONE wanted to spend time with me. In the state of mind I was in, it made me feel better. He leaned toward me and spoke softly. "So, that was awkward earlier, when your boss ran into me leaving your room."
"How'd you know he's my boss?"
"You told me you're here with your boss. I figured that was him. So? What happened? Did he freak out? I mean, he didn't know you're gay, right?"
My instinct was to pour my heart out to Pete. I needed to talk to someone...anyone. But, as gross as I'd felt earlier when we were having sex, I wasn't sure I could bring myself to unburden myself of my problems to him. Then again, I wasn't exactly world renowned for always making the right decisions, so I started talking. "He didn't freak out. But he was kind of surprised. I think he sort of suspected I'm gay. But, he didn't know. At least, not until earlier today."
"Yeah," Pete grinned sheepishly. "Sorry about that bad timing." He paused for a second and looked into my eyes. "So then... If your boss didn't freak out on you, what has you down here, looking so forlorn? You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, man."
And so the words poured forth out of my mouth like water pouring through a dam that's just broken. I found myself over the next forty-five minutes telling Pete everything. How I got a crush on John from day one. How I flirted with him at work. How he started to flirt back. How things became more tense between us. And then everything that had happened here in Denver right up until John stormed out of my hotel room almost two hours ago. About fifteen minutes into my story, I felt my phone buzz. When I pulled it out of my pocket, I saw that it was a text from John. "Need 2 c u. Come 2 my room?" After the way he'd acted earlier, I wasn't particularly interested in seeing him and putting myself up for more of his crap. So, I put my phone back in my pocket and continued spilling my guts to Pete.
"Wow!" Pete leaned back in the chair, wide-eyed, when I finished my story. "That's pretty amazing."
I had to chuckle at his choice of words. "Amazing isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe it. But, okay..."
For a reason I couldn't understand at the time, Pete grinned slightly. "So, you really have it bad for your boss then, huh?"
I hesitated for a minute. Sure, from my story, it must've been obvious to Pete how I felt about John. But, the idea of actually verbalizing it to a complete stranger made me anxious. But then I thought, "What the hell? I've already said too much about all of this anyway." I said aloud, "Yeah. In a way, I guess I do."
"What do you mean `in a way'?"
"Well, it's not like I'm trying to take him away from his family, or anything like that. But, to me, he's about the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. There's just something about him that I find very attractive. And, when he's not being a total douche, he's just a cool, down-to-earth guy...the kind of guy you'd want to go have a beer with and spend all night talking about life. The funny thing is, I don't think he realizes how great of a guy he is. He sure doesn't act like it."
It was then that I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was John. "John! Uh, how long had you been standing there?"
Ignoring my question, he posed one of his own. "Did you get my text message?"
"What text message?" I lied through my teeth.
"I've been trying to find you. I wanted to talk with you about something. I texted you to ask you to stop by my room."
"Oh. No, I didn't get it." Better I lie than to tell him I ignored it and set myself up for even more of a tongue-lashing from John.
"The lobby is notorious for having bad cell coverage," Pete piped up, helping to cover for me with John.
John looked at Pete and back at me. "Can we talk?"
Pete must've taken that as his cue to leave us alone. "I need to get back to work. You two fellas have fun!"
"Thanks for the talk, Pete," I said, gratefully, as he stood up. "And, I'm really sorry about everything else." I wanted to apologize again for using him earlier for a free breakfast.
"No worries, Jason. I'm glad I was about to help. See you later." He smiled at me, then turned and nodded in acknowledgment to John. Then, he left us.
"Do you want to have a seat?" I motioned to the chair Pete had just vacated.
"I'd rather talk in private. Can we go back upstairs?"
I couldn't tell what was on John's mind. His face gave nothing away. Was he mad? Apologetic? Nervous? Happy? I couldn't tell. Against my better judgement, I agreed to go with him, hoping I could figure out a way to smooth things over with him. As we rode up in the elevator, I couldn't help but flash back to the last time we were in the elevator together. Memories of our kiss were so vivid I could practically feel his lips on mine and his hands on my body. I wondered if he was feeling those things too.
We didn't talk all the way up to the floor our rooms were on. When we got to his room, he turned back to look at me. I wasn't sure what was about to happen. I only hoped it wouldn't be as awkward as our last conversation in a hotel room. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak.
"Listen, Jason. About what I said earlier..."
"No worries, man," I said, turning my back to him. I didn't have to nerve to look him in the face as he tried to backtrack from saying I'm a pervert. "You don't have to say anything else about it." Especially, if it was going to be more of the same.
"No. You're wrong. I do." He walked up to me and put his hand on my arm. Even as awkward as things felt right in the moment, his touch still went directly to my cock and made it twitch. "Could you turn around and look at me, please?"
Hesitantly, I turned to face him. And, probably trying to save myself any further embarrassment or insult, I proceeded to try and direct the course of the conversation. "Before you say anything, John. We really don't have to talk about this again. What happened in my room earlier was really MY fault. I came on too strong. I was pushy. It was incredibly inconsiderate of me. I..."
John reached out and held my shoulders with both hands. "Hold on! Wait just a second! Will you let me say stuff now?"
Wincing in anticipation of what he might say, I deferred to him. "Okay. But you really..."
"Stop that!" he interrupted me. "First of all, what happened earlier was NOT your fault. You were just saying how you felt and what you wanted. I'm the one who acted like an asshole."
"Don't say that, John. You weren't..." I tried to interject, but he stopped me.
"Don't try to make excuses for me. I know what acting like an asshole is. Apparently, I've had a lot of practice acting like that lately where you're concerned."
For a moment, the tension broke a little bit and we each grinned at the other. Self-deprecation is one of the surest ways to loosen up a tense situation. After a quick moment, John turned serious again.
"Second, I want to sincerely apologize for the way I handled our conversation earlier. I've worked with you for over seven years now. I know you're not sick. You're a great guy. Blowing up at you like that and then running away before we could resolve anything was a really shitty thing to do. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry for doing it. I hope we can figure out a way to move on."
Smiling at him, I did my best to appear good-natured. "I'm sure we will. It may take time. But, now that everything's out in the open, maybe we can actually become friends."
For some reason, John still looked uneasy. But despite that, he agreed with me. "I hope so. Thank you for accepting my apology. I've been regretting what I said from the moment it came out of my mouth."
"Well, don't worry anymore. We're good!" I wasn't sure that we were completely good. I needed my own time to process everything that had just happened and reconcile it with the fact that I still wanted nothing more than to jump John's bones right then and there. "I'd better head back to my room. I need to figure out what I'm doing for dinner. Besides, I'm sure you want to check in with the family. I'll see you later!"
I had made it to the door and hand my hand on the knob when his voice stopped me. "Wait a minute, Jason. There's a third thing I want to say to you."
"Oh?" I asked, turning around and making my way back to stand nearer to him.
He cleared his throat and looked at me nervously. "So... I've been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier. You telling me how you feel about me and then me admitting that I've been thinking about you a lot over the past couple years or so. And then...what you offered to do for me. You know...before I acted like a royal asshole..."
Was he about to say what it sounded like he was about to say? "Look, John. I don't need a repeat of you telling me how wrong it would be for us to do anything like that. It wasn't right for me to put you in that position."
He grinned at me. "Jason, I think you have the wrong idea of what I was about to say. What I'm trying to say is: in addition to beating myself up for the past couple hours for how I acted toward you, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you offered..." After a long pause that either may have been for dramatic effect or because he was trying to get up the nerve to actually say the words, he continued. "...and how much I want to give it a try."
"What?" It was truly surprising to hear John say those words. Once he confessed that he'd been fantasizing about the two of us together, I figured he'd thought about us fucking around. But, after his outburst earlier, I was pretty certain it would never actually happen in real life.
"I've been thinking about it ever since I got back to my room after we talked. In fact, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. And so...if the offer still stands, I was hoping we could, maybe...you know. Fool around a little bit." When I didn't answer wright away, I think he might have assumed the worst. "Listen, I know what I said earlier was really harsh. And, if you think I don't deserve what you offered anymore, I'll understand. But earlier... That was just a knee-jerk reaction. You have to know that what I also said earlier about fantasizing about us. That was totally legit. I've wanted to do stuff with you since before this afternoon. I'm only sorry that it took me this long to admit it to myself...and you."
I couldn't believe it. This was really happening.
Part 18. Honesty Is The Best Policy...Especially When It's With Yourself: John's Perspective
I never knew I could feel like this. The pure ecstasy and pleasure almost overwhelmed me. I'd never felt so connected to anyone in my entire life. Looking down into Jason's eyes as I bucked my hips and my cock pistoned in and out of his ass, I knew that this is how sex was supposed to feel. I'd always thought Laura and I were connected in a special way. And, maybe we were. But not like this. It was like Jason and I were speaking to each other only with our eyes...our deepest thoughts and feelings passing back and forth to each other as I fucked him. The way he looked at me. I knew... I knew then and there that what he felt for me was more than a crush. Either he hadn't admitted it to me, or he hadn't admitted it to himself. But it was the look of a man in love, not a man in the midst of a horny sex fever.
It wasn't until he reached up with both hands as I sped up my fucking and raked his hands through the salt and pepper hair on my chest that I realized there was something deeper on my end too. If it was only superficial...only flirtation, my body wouldn't have tingled like it just did at his mere touch. As I throttled ever closer to spraying his bowels with my load, I knew a line had been crossed. Things would never be the same again for any of us. Not me. Not Jason. Not Laura. Not my kids. I'd think about all of that later, though. Right now, I was more focused on the fact that I was so close to going over the edge that it would only be a matter of seconds before there was no holding back. I just wanted to be in the moment...be present and enjoy the sensation of the best sex I'd ever had. I looked down into Jason's eyes and couldn't help but smile at him. It was perfect. I opened my mouth to warn him that I was about to cum. But, before I could utter a word, I jerked awake with a start. I was alone. I raised my torso up off of the mattress and looked around my semi-dark hotel room. Only the lamp in the far corner of the room illuminated it. I had only been dreaming. Although, judging by the hardness in my jeans, struggling to get free from its denim confines, my body thought it was all too real. It occurred to me as, I brought the index finger of my right hand up to trace my lips, my body wasn't the only thing that thought it was real. My brain did too. Not only was the dream so realistic, it felt good. It felt right. Reality was far more cruel. Memories of what had happened earlier in the day began to flood my mind. Pleasurable thoughts were quickly being replaced by guilt.
I was the worst kind of asshole. When Jason said that he'd be willing to have sex with me to break whatever kind of tension existed between the two of us, I'd lashed out at him...called him sick. And then ran away like a scared little girl. I turned my own fears, insecurities, and inadequacies on him and turned things around to make it seem like he was the one with the problem.
After storming back to my hotel room, I remember laying down on the bed to calm myself down. That must've turned into an extended nap. I reached over to the nightstand to grab my phone. I was stunned to see that I'd been asleep for about forty-five minutes. At least sleep did ONE thing for me. It helped clear my mind. I needed to apologize to Jason, right away. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and started to stand up. It occurred to me that, after the way I'd left things, he might not be so happy to see me show up outside his hotel room. It was a cowardly thing to do. But, instead of going to see him, I started typing a message on my phone:
"Jason, really need 2 c u. There r things I need 2 say 2 u. Need 2 apologize 4 earlier. I know I was an ass & don't deserve the chance 2 explain. But, please come c me when u get a chance."
I turned my phone face down on the nightstand and sat there, staring at the door to my room, as if I expected him to rush right over and I'd hear a knock any moment. After a couple minutes when no knock came, I turned my gaze to my phone, lying dormant on the nightstand. No knock. No call. No buzz, indicating a response to my text. I was being given the silent treatment, deservedly so.
About twenty minutes passed and I'd heard nothing from Jason. I should've taken that as a hint that he wasn't ready to deal with me just yet. But, my need to make things right wouldn't let me take that hint. With just a few strides, I found myself standing in the hallway at the door to his room. After hesitating for a few brief moments, I knocked on the door with a knot in the pit of my stomach. When he didn't answer the door, I knocked again and said softly, "Jason. It's John. Please open the door. I want to apologize to you. Please hear me out." Again, no answer. I ran my hand through my hair nervously and retreated to my own room, taking one last look at his doorway before going back inside my room.
By now, that knot my my stomach was being pulled tighter and tighter. And, if I was honest with myself, it wasn't only out of guilt. The truth of the matter was that I wanted what Jason had suggested earlier. I wanted to have sex with him. The dream I had during my nap was just the last little bit in a long line of evidence to support it. I didn't need to talk to Jason JUST to apologize. I needed him to forgive me so that I could tell him just how badly I wanted something - ANYTHING - sexual to happen between us.
I reached over and grabbed my phone. No response from him while I was in the hallway. I was out of my mind. But, continuing to be out of my mind would do no one any good. Deciding to give Jason a little more space, I thought a nice, hot shower would soothe my nerves. And, true enough, I calmed down. But, the shower also served to fuel my fantasies. While the hot water cascaded all over my body, my mind flashed to he and I kissing the other night. His voice, offering to have sex with me, echoed in my ear. And, the flashes of us kissing were joined in my mind by my now-familiar fantasy of Jason giving me a blowjob in his office at work AND flashes of the highly sexual dream I'd just had. I felt like my cock was harder than it had ever been. I reached down and gave it a few strokes, but managed to muster the incredible willpower to stop myself. If I was lucky enough to get a chance with Jason, I wanted to be able to make it count. Instead, I reached over and turned the water off.
A few minutes later and I was dressed and back in the main room of my hotel. Still no response to my text. Deciding to take a chance, I left my room and made my way to the lobby. It was still snowing outside. If Jason truly wasn't in his room, this was the only other place he could be. After I stepped off of the elevator, I didn't see Jason right away. I was on my way into the hotel bar, thinking that maybe he was in there, chatting up the bartender, when I saw a familiar face out of the corner of my eye.
My face crinkled in disgust as I caught sight of the guy I'd seen earlier today coming out of Jason's room. "Ugh! Skeevy asshole," I involuntarily muttered under my breath. I was almost ready to head into the bar when I noticed the familiar back of Jason's head, sitting across from the guy. "Figures..." I also muttered. I don't know why... No. Never mind. I knew why I was so bothered that Jason was hanging out with the guy!
I made my way over to the two of them, feeling my face flush. I couldn't believe I was actually jealous! Jason was still facing away from me, but as I got closer, I thought I saw his hotel room buddy glance in my direction. I finally got close enough to hear their conversation as the skeevy douchebag asked Jason, "So, you really have it bad for your boss then, huh?" I wouldn't mind knowing the answer to that question. I held my breath as I waited to hear what Jason would say.
After a moment, he said, hesitantly, "Yeah. In a way, I guess I do."
What in the hell did THAT mean?
Almost as if he was reading my mind, Jason's conversation partner asked, "What do you mean `in a way'?"
"Well, it's not like I'm trying to take him away from his family, or anything like that. But, to me, he's about the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. There's just something about him that I find very attractive. And, when he's not being a total douche, he's just a cool, down-to-earth guy...the kind of guy you'd want to go have a beer with and spend all night talking about life. The funny thing is, I don't think he realizes how great of a guy he is. He sure doesn't act like it."
I shouldn't have felt so warm and fuzzy after hearing him describe me that way. I was desperately trying to hold my family together and not let these sexual desires for Jason interfere. Hearing that he thought so highly of me should've been the last thing I wanted to hear. Yet, it put a smile on my face just the same. I reached out and placed my hand on Jason's shoulder, feeling him jump slightly at my touch.
When he turned around to lock eyes with me, his eyes widened and he looked scared. "John! Uh, how long had you been standing there?"
I'm not sure how successful I was, but I decided to keep a poker face about how much I'd actually overheard. I felt like I'd given up too much power to Jason with all of the drama that had already taken place today. I needed to take a little of it back. Not bothering to answer his question, I asked one of my own with a sternness to my voice, "Did you get my text message?"
The next few minutes consisted of a fake, superficial conversation with Jason denying he'd gotten my text message and me telling him what my message was about. The douchebag even chimed in, trying to cover for Jason with some sort of lame lie about bad cell reception in the lobby. Yeah right!
When the asshole hotel employee finally took the hint and left us alone - I wanted to shove him in the back as he walked away - we headed for the elevator and went back upstairs. Given what had happened in Jason's room earlier, I decided my room would have better vibes and be a better place to apologize.
All the way up in the elevator and then in the hallway on our way to my room, I was summoning up the courage to do something that I wasn't used to doing. I'd never apologized to anyone at work. I'd had run-ins and confrontations with several people in the office and, whether I was in the wrong or not, I'd never said I was sorry. This wasn't going to be easy. But, by the time we were both standing in the middle of my room, I was ready. "Listen, Jason. About what I said earlier..."
Before I could get any further, Jason interrupted me. "No worries, man. You don't have to say anything else about it." Oddly, he turned his back to me as he was talking. What was THAT about?!
I was floored. This was one of the very few times where I was absolutely certain I'd done the wrong thing and I needed to make it right. Instead, Jason was going out of his way to absolve me of any wrongdoing. I couldn't believe it. "No. You're wrong. I do." I reached out and put my hand on his arm to get his attention. Even in the context of this conversation, just touching his arm sent electricity running through my body. "Could you turn around and look at me, please?"
When he turned around to face me, there weren't any tears. But, the look on his face said that they were in danger of coming out of his eyes at any moment. I didn't like to see anyone looking like that. And it stung to know that I was responsible for the way he was feeling. What he said next, floored me even more. "Before you say anything, John. We really don't have to talk about this again. What happened in my room earlier was really MY fault. I came on too strong. I was pushy. It was incredibly inconsiderate of me. I..."
Okay. This HAD to stop! I put both of my hands on Jason's shoulder and started talking over him until he stopped and listened to me. "Hold on! Wait just a second! Will you let me say stuff now?"
Jason eyed me with what I can only imagine must've been suspicion. And, I suppose I couldn't blame him. "Okay. But you really..."
"Stop that!" I had to interrupt him again. This guy was just as talented at accepting blame and fault as I was at deflecting it! We made quite a pair. "First of all, what happened earlier was NOT your fault. You were just saying how you felt and what you wanted. I'm the one who acted like an asshole."
"Don't say that, John. You weren't..." I cut him off again. Even if he and I didn't end up hitting the sheets, he needed to hang out with me more often and learn how to not be so ready to take blame for everything.
"Don't try to make excuses for me," I looked into his eyes as I spoke to him, hoping he'd see sincerity in them. "I know what acting like an asshole is. Apparently, I've had a lot of practice acting like that lately where you're concerned." It made me feel good when Jason returned the grin I flashed him. Maybe we were finally getting somewhere. I continued talking. "Second, I want to sincerely apologize for the way I handled our conversation earlier. I've worked with you for over seven years now. I know you're not sick. You're a great guy. Blowing up at you like that and then running away before we could resolve anything was a really shitty thing to do. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry for doing it. I hope we can figure out a way to move on."
"I'm sure we will. It may take time. But, now that everything's out in the open, maybe we can actually become friends." Jason smiled at me, but it was one of those awkward smiles where you know the other person is only smiling because the occasion calls for it. How was I ever going to get him from an awkward, forced smile to the heights of passion?
After another brief awkward exchange, Jason pulled what I can only refer to in a self-deprecating way as `a John' and started backing away toward the door. He even had his hand on the doorknob when he said, "I'd better head back to my room. I need to figure out what I'm doing for dinner. Besides, I'm sure you want to check in with the family. I'll see you later!"
I had to actually hold up my hand to stop him from opening the door. God... Now I know how he must've felt earlier when I kept trying to leave his room! "Wait a minute, Jason. There's a third thing I want to say to you."
"Oh?" he asked with a curious expression on his face as he turned around and walked toward me.
"So... I've been thinking a lot about our conversation earlier. You telling me how you feel about me and then me admitting that I've been thinking about you a lot over the past couple years or so. And then...what you offered to do for me. You know...before I acted like a royal asshole..." I cleared my throat more out of having a case of the nerves than because I needed to actually clear it. I must be the first and only horny man who was having trouble asking for what I wanted...
Jason took the moment to interrupt what I was about to say. "Look, John. I don't need a repeat of you telling me how wrong it would be for us to do anything like that. It wasn't right for me to put you in that position."
He was about to get the surprise of his life if I was ever able to get the words out! "Jason, I think you have the wrong idea of what I was about to say. What I'm trying to say is: in addition to beating myself up for the past couple hours for how I acted toward you, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you offered..." C'mon, John. You can say it. Use your words! "...and how much I want to give it a try."
In that moment, you could've heard a pin drop in my hotel room. For a few brief moments, we stared at each other, me anticipating what Jason's reaction would be, and him obviously stunned at the sudden turn things had taken in the span of a couple hours. I was about to say something when Jason beat me to break the silence. "What?"
"I've been thinking about it ever since I got back to my room after we talked. In fact, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. And so...if the offer still stands, I was hoping we could, maybe...you know. Fool around a little bit."
He still didn't say anything. I started to think that maybe this was a bridge too far. After all, it was just a short time ago that I'd stormed out of his room after berating him and insulting him in the worst possible way. How could we go from THAT to having naked fun in such a short time. I was fine with it. But maybe Jason wasn't. I needed to plead my case further. I wanted... No. I NEEDED this.
"Listen, I know what I said earlier was really harsh. And, if you think I don't deserve what you offered anymore, I'll understand. But earlier... That was just a knee-jerk reaction. You have to know that what I also said earlier about fantasizing about us. That was totally legit. I've wanted to do stuff with you since before this afternoon. I'm only sorry that it took me this long to admit it to myself...and you."
Still no response. But he hadn't turned and walked out the door yet. That HAD to be a good sign, right? I took a deep breath and hoped for the best as I slowly walked toward him.