"So what did you think the first time you saw him?" Jeremy asked. They had both settled into the two pieces of living room furniture that didn't have clothes or books in them, Marty on one end of the couch and Jeremy laying back in a big lounge chair, his one foot hooked over the thick leather arm.
"We should talk about you, Jeremy. Pete and I are, you know, a different thing. I want to talk about what's going on with you and all. We can talk about Pete and I some other time."
They had gently argued back and forth on this since they had taken off their coats and settled into what passed for a living room amongst college students. Though it was bigger and newer than Peter and Marty's garret apartment, it was furnished with a random collection of hand-me-down, cast-off and Goodwill legacy furniture and furnishing that made it in certain ways seem more truly collegiate, though that wasn't necessarily a good thing. The most distinctive piece was a lamp base with the figure of a pirate, a piece that Jeremy had brought from his boyhood bedroom that he still liked in spite of its kitschy style.
"Marty, this might be hard to believe, but it actually helps me to talk about you guys. I'm not sure that you all see yourselves this way, but you guys are kind of a model for me."
Jeremy saw the surprised look on his face before Marty looked around the room, almost like he was disorientated, like he heard something that didn't make sense to him. Or that he had never thought about because it was so preposterous. Jeremy was not surprised.
"I know you guys don't think of yourselves that way, Marty, but you are to me. And probably to other people, too. And thinking of you guys, it's the one thing that give me some, like..." he paused for a second, trying to think of the right words. "some consolation...and hope."
"How is that?" Marty asked back, still perplexed by Jeremy's attitude.
Jeremy paused again before speaking. and when he did start to speak, he no longer looked at Marty but kind of beyond him, almost like he was just talking to himself.
"I really liked her, liked her a lot. The physical part was...um...really good and all. And we had a lot of fun just bantering and talking and stuff. But I have to admit that I almost wanted it to be a good relationship, or imagine it as one, in spite of what it really was. Not that it was bad, or anything negative like that," he said, his hand folded as he rubbed his thumbs together.
"But, I mean, I think, like...I think if you really love someone then you think about them all the time. You know what they are doing. You know what they need to do, you keep track of them. I mean you're not a stalker...." he quickly interjected, getting his first laugh from Marty.
"But you know what they are doing because you are part of them. Like, I bet that you know Peter's class schedule back and forth, right?
"We'll, yeah. but I just think that everyone does about someone they're with. It's not hard, the schedules are pretty regular and all."
"That's only true if it's easy, or if you want it or it's important to you," Jeremy replied. " I mean, I kind of knew what Kathy was doing a lot of the time, but not like you know about Peter. And to be honest, I'm not sure she knew exactly what I was doing, either. She'd ask me questions about doing things on days that I had tests or labs and other stuff that she, well, I mean, probably should have been aware of," he said.
"I mean, it's not a big deal and it's not an insult or anything like that, but it's just not what you do, or, I think, would be expected to do if you really cared about somebody," emphasizing the word `really' with both hand balled into fists and hitting each other gently.
"Along those lines...jeeze, you know that asshole Kevin, from the soccer league?" he interjected, digressing.
"Oh yeah, him. I remember that guy." Marty answered in a dead flat tone.
"Well, I once saw him telling his so-called girlfriend that he had a big test that she should stay away from him until she got over her cold."
Marty's eyebrows raised. "Really?"
"Yeah. Really. I couldn't believe it, even from him. Not that it was out of character. But, like, wow! What a cruel thing to say. Especially to, like, a girlfriend," he said, hardly able to even recall the even without cringing.
"I guess people can say and do some pretty cruel things," Marty said. Jeremy saw his head drop, just looking at the floor. It hung there for a few moments and Jeremy was about to ask him if he was OK when Marty suddenly raised his face up again.
"Do you even remember your own schedule?" Marty asked, changing the subject back. "I mean, do you think that it's a sign of neglect, or just absent mindedness on someone's part?"
"For my part, maybe of bit of both. I can be sort of a space cadet sometimes, I think. But not her. She was really on top of her calendar and her day in general and knew exactly what I was up to IF it had something to do with stuff that we had planned together," he said, pausing to emphasize the 'if.'
"Well, maybe that means something. But you're probably going to analyze this to death, Jer. I guess that's the way this stuff goes. But if it helps you to understand things better, it's good."
"I know, Marty, I guess that's what it is. This won't change anything. But maybe it will help the next time. If there is a next time."
"Hey!" Marty said as he got up from his chair and approached Jeremy. "There will be a next time. Definitely. I can remember on two occasions just this semester that girls have asked about you," he said as he crouched down and put his hand on Jeremy's shoulder.
"Really?" he asked, incredulous.
"Yeah, Really. But there was no reason to tell you. It's not right if you're dating someone else. And secondly, your head would probably get too big," he said with a laugh.
Jeremy just smiled. "You're probably right. I haven't been dumped like this before. It was usually me that broke up a relationship. Maybe it's just my karma right now, or a lesson, I don't know."
"Well, I don't know if it's a lesson or karma, either. But it sure looks like a pain in ass!" Marty said as he got up. "Hey you want something to drink? I know where the glasses are, I've been here enough. What can I get you?"
"Just some water would be fine, maybe with some ice."
"Thanks," Jeremy said after Marty returned and he took a couple of short swigs."That helps, my throat was getting dry."
"No problem."
After pausing for a few more seconds, Jeremy put his glass down. "So could I go back to my original question? What did you think the first time you saw him?"
"You really want to talk about that, don't you?" Marty asked, half smiling.
"Yes, I do. Like I said, I think it helps me kind of deal with this better."
Jeremy forgave him his stubborn reluctance, knowing Marty's good intentions. But he was even more desperate himself to try to understand his own feelings and lessen the sting as much as he could and felt almost a desperation that made him feel a bit intrusive.
"The first time we met, of course was at that soccer match. You remember the whole story as you have reminded Peter and I numerous times," he retorted with a smile, getting a returned grin from Jeremy himself. He always felt only slightly guilty about how often he razzed them about the transparency of their cover up.
"To be honest, I didn't really notice him at first. I was really in my shell back then, and tried not to even think about guys. But I did catch this guy, him, Peter, looking at me. And when i was able to get a furtive glance back at him, I noticed how cute he was."
"Were you attracted to him?"
"Well, like I said, I was in my shell and really tried not to notice guys. At first I just blew it off, and thought that maybe I had a torn my jersey or something embarrassing like that. Why else would someone be looking at me? Especially a cute guy like him."
"Did you think he was one of those unattainable types?"
Marty thought for moment. "I don't think that I thought in those terms. I wasn't looking for someone at all. And, to be honest, I probably hoped he was unattainable or wouldn't tempt me. I just didn't need it or think I wanted it at the time."
"Yet...." Jeremy answered, his raising in anticipation.
"Well, yeah, I have to admit, I think that there may have been a little something there at the time. But I really didn't know anything about him, so it could have just stopped at anytime."
"But when that Kevin guy started going off about how to choose the teams," he continued, "and making people feel shitty, I thought it was too much. So I spoke up."
"Yeah, I remember that. It was really great that you did. I thought he was an asshole, too, but guess I was too lazy to give a damn so I thought I'd just 'go with the flow,' " Jeremy replied.
"I don't think it's laziness or anything like that, Jer. It's maybe just avoiding a hassle. For my part, I could almost not believe that I said it, but I was glad that I did. I was a freshman once, too, and I remember how nervous I was and hoped that it'd all be OK. So I wanted those guys to feel welcome, too" Marty confessed.
"But I still felt nervous, like I was all alone myself out there. But when that cute guy, I mean, Peter," he chuckled, "when Peter spoke up, I felt a lot better and thought that it might all be OK.
"What then?" Jeremy asked, not wanting to let Marty think that he was done.
He looked down at the ground, and then raised his head up again. "It's weird, but my head was spinning for a second. I told you that I was pretty firmly closeted and didn't want to even think about anything else. But was like this guy had just rescued me and not just that, had stuck his neck out for me."
"So I was really torn," he continued. "And when he and I huddled to pick the team, he was just so polite. And I could tell that he was a bit nervous himself, too,so we shared that. But what most struck me was that it was like we already knew each other. There wasn't any competition for leadership. We quickly asked each other about we should approach this thing and kind of molded out the plan together. Then we just went on with it."
"Were you still torn?"
Marty smiled again, then looked around the room, clearly nervous about what he was going to say. "Yea, I was. I knew almost nothing about him. And to be honest, I wasn't sure how much I even understood about myself.. But I knew I had some feeling that was lot more than just friendship for this guy."
"Didn't that feel great?"
Marty looked around again. "Well, like I said, I was still closeted. And, for a lot of reasons, felt like it might be best if I just stayed that way."
"But you didn't.'
"No, I didn't in the end. I mean... Peter....the pull was just so strong. It all just moved so quickly. And before I knew it..." he responded, trailing off before a long pause.
"When did you really, I mean...realize it, I mean, that it was really special with him." Jeremy struggled to find the right words. He didn't want to pry too much or be too personal, but he almost felt like Peter and Marty might have had some kind of secret that might help him.
"Looking back, it was actually the first time we spoke, Not that I could have articulated it at the time. But there was something special there. I just knew that there would be some continuity to this, something that would last, or at least I hoped it would last."
He had previously seemed very reluctant to talk Peter and him at all. But suddenly, once he got going he could hardly stop. Until suddenly, he caught himself.
"That's why I felt like such a ...monst..."
Jeremy thought he was going to say 'monster,' but seemed to catch himself.
"Awful...just awful after I hit him in that pile up He was such a good guy. I could tell in the game that he struggled with breathing but just powered ahead. And he was a real team guy, too. He never hogged the ball and was always looking to feed someone else."
"Yeah, he's like that," Jeremy responded, aware that Marty was now truly in some uncomfortable territory. He didn't know exactly what made him so anxious, but thought it best to move the conversation off of Marty and keep it on Peter.
"Yeah, he's always been a good team guy. His only problem was that he didn't know when to stop," Jeremy added another faint smile appearing.
"What do you mean?" Marty asked, surprised.
"Peter would practically kill himself for the team. He'd be totally out of breath, dying on the pitch, and still be pushing it. Before you came along, we practically had to drag him off the field when he got like that. For his own good, of course. We didn't need to win that bad. But his behavior didn't change until you came along." He didn't mean to get the focus back on Marty again, but it just blurted out.
"Me?" he replied.
"Yeah, you. You just give him that 'look' now, and he knows it's time to take a break."
Marty looked pensive for a moment before he answered. "I can't let him hurt himself, and I've told him that. I can't say it's always been like that, though. You remember the first matches where I had to, like, threaten him," he said, apparently not relishing the memory.
In spite of his earlier anxiety for Marty, Jeremy laughed out loud. "Oh yeah, I remember that. You told him you were going to sit on him and we'd be down even another player if he didn't take a break."
"Um, yeah..." Marty respond, a small smile appearing on this face.
But Jeremy's own mood quickly turned serious again. "You worry about him, don't you?" he asked, sitting up in the chair with both feet on the ground and his hand folded in front of him, ready to record each detail of the answer.
The answer was immediate. "I do...all the time. You know him well, and so do his close friends. But all these other people, over and over again, they think of him as a 'golden boy.' Like he's got everything, mostly meaning his looks and he's at this fancy college. But they don't realize how he struggles. When he has classes all day he comes back exhausted after straining for an entire lecture to hear what these profs are even saying. He'd much rather sit in the back of class, but he just can't hear what's going on back there."
"And recently I've noticed him squinting at the TV and so I made him go to an optometrist. Now he needs glasses," Marty continued.
"Yeah, I guess he's been lucky with his eyes, but even those need some help now."
"That's right. I actually think he's needed glasses for a long time, but he's always been so good at covering those things up."
"Until you came along." Jeremy responded.
In his own memory, he didn't recall being sensitive about any of these things with Kathy. Not that he was completely oblivious. When she was sick he would run minor errands, get class notes for her, things like that, and she'd do it for him. But he would never have noticed if she needed glasses, and surely wouldn't have badgered her to get them even if he had noticed.
But it was revealing to him what these guys each seemed so attuned to the very fine-grained details of the other's lives. It took a while, for example, to notice that Marty almost always talked to Peter from his left side, his good ear.
And there was an odd thing that Peter sometimes did that he never understood. Whenever they all were in a crowded bar, often after a match, Peter would make sure that Marty was always seated at the free end of the seats, especially if it was a large booth where people would be packed into the middle and not able to get out easily.
He would say that Marty may have to leave early, which he never did, or would pick up the tab which no one would allow them to, or some other excuse that always felt flimsy. And it was never for Peter himself. He was clearly doing it for Marty, but for whatever reason he didn't have clue. But it was something that Peter did for him. Always.
"You OK?" he heard Marty ask, awakening him from his thoughts.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. I'm just thinking about these things, I mean how Kathy and I...related I guess I'd say, and how you guys do."
"Everyone's different, you know." Marty responded. "Like I said, Pete and I have our quirks and all, so I'm not sure how relevant we are to how other people act."
"I'm not either," Jeremy said. "I agree that we are all different. But some of us kind of make it work, I mean, work in a special way. And it's a great example. All those great things can really exist. . I wish...I hope... that I can do that some day.
If ever Jeremy ever had a fitful night sleeping, this was it. He tried not to open up his phone to mindlessly surf the web, thought it was tempting. He once heard that you shouldn't do things in bed that aren't' sleep related, like working. Or the web surfing. It didn't include sex, of course. But there weren't opportunities now for that.
He did get up once to check his email. Kind of a ridiculous thought had occurred to him, maybe there'd be something from Kathy. Of course there wasn't. He wondered if he was the only person who ever thought something like that would happened.
When he didn't see the little number indicating 'new mail' he did a refresh. Then he went back to bed.
It was a downer. And he felt lonely again. But it didn't seem as bad as it would have if Marty was not sleeping out on the couch. Just knowing someone was out there, even if he didn't necessarily feel like talking to them, gave him some sense of security and camaraderie.
Even though he had hardly gotten any sleep, the clock told him he was going to be getting up soon anyway. His usual routine was to hit his morning class then head to the gym, work out and shower. Who cared if he smelled a little bit in the morning, anyway? Everyone else was the same way, the few that were awake.
He put on some sweat pants and shuffled out to the hall on his way to the bathroom. Glancing into the living room and noticing the rolled-up sleeping bag on the floor, he guessed that Marty had beaten him to the bathroom.
"Hey, guy, you in there already?" he said as he knocked on the door. "Are you OK?"
He was startled when it opened almost immediately after his last knock, one of Marty's hands opening the door and the other drying his face off with a towel.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine, slept pretty good. But what about you? Did you get any sleep?" he said as he placed the towel loosely back on the rack."
"I guess the word would be `fitful', but I got some, more than I thought that I'd get."
"Not surprising, but at least you got something. It'll take a while," Marty replied. "But in the meantime I guess you just have to do what you can," he answered. "By the way, the bathroom is all yours now," he said as he collected his sundries from the countertop and placed them in a plastic bag.
They continued talking for a few minutes, calling out to each other while Jeremy took over the bathroom to splash some water on his face and Marty collected his wallet and coins and other items that he had laid on the floor next to the couch.
Just as Jeremy came out of the bathroom and was headed into the kitchen he thought that he had heard a knock at the door.
"Did you hear something, Marty?"
"Yeah, I think I did, sounded like someone at the door. OK if I answer it?"
"Umm...maybe I should, it could be the landlord or someone like that."
"Just a sec!" he called out before he went to his room and put on a pair of sweatpants before heading to the door.
He cracked it open just bit to peer out and see who was there.
"Room service" he heard, and saw Peter standing on front of the door, his breath turning to white vapor above a brown paper shopping bag that he held with both hands.
Jeremy looked at him, at first confused. "What?...um...oh, gosh, come in." He couldn't quite trade jokes yet, but knew that he wanted to at least get Peter inside to a warm room.
Marty looked equally surprised as Peter brushed by them both and laid the bag on the kitchen counter.
"Scrambled eggs with sausage" he said as he removed his backpack and pulled various plastic containers onto the table. "Bacon would get kind of mushy, but sausage holds up pretty well. Sorry it's not piping hot, but it takes a bit of time to get over here, even if I use the campus shuttle."
Jeremy was stunned. Even thought he had just washed his face to wake himself up, he used both hands to again rub his face up and down.
"Peter, I can't believe this, ...um it looks... and smells... great," he said as he helped to clear a toaster and kitchen utensils out of the way to provide more room for the spread. "You didn't have to do this, you really didn't. But thanks, thanks so much!"
"Nothing at all," he replied as he went to the cupboards and started looking for plates. "I thought you had stuff up here, Jer?" he questioned.
"Yeah, I did, but...kind of been lax on organizing things recently," he replied. "I can clean some things up here, though," though he said as he removed his hat.
After he took off the knit cap and pulled down the zipper on his jacket before putting it over a living room chair could Jeremy see how ruddy his cheeks were. No one, he thought, was as much affected by cold weather as much as Peter, and the red cheeks were practically a wintertime signature of his.
Even for a guy as heterosexually charged as Jeremy, this moment brought home why some many people found Peter attractive. The red cheeks just accentuated the fine features of his face, including the big smile, bright eyes and sharply defined jaw. And his tossled hair, courtesy of hardly pulling the cap down at all but having it just lay on his head, accentuated the boyish look that so many people seemed to find attractice.
"No worries," Peter replied as he threw his jacket onto a nearby chair and started into the pile of dishes in the sink. "I need to hit the road here in a minute, but I'll get a couple plates done for you all, then you can sit down."
Marty got up off of he couch. "Whoa! Wait a minute here, Pete!" You've got a class in 15 minutes and need to leave right now. I'll take care of this, you get to class."
"I can do it Mart, it will just take a sec..."
"Go!" he heard as Marty brought him is jacket and backpack and motioned him toward the door. I'll take care of things from here."
Jeremy could hardly move. But he did put his hand an Peter's shoulder and croacked out a `thank you' to him.
"No problem, bud," Peter said as he threw his pack over his shoulder. "Besides, I think you might need it before tonight."
"What do you mean?" he asked. But before he got his answer, his phone rang. "One sec, it's Wei." he said raising a finger to signal it would only take a second as he put his ear to the receiver.
"Jer!"
"Wei, hi!" I heard you're coming over tonight. Thanks so much."
"Hey, no problem guy, glad too," Wei replied.
"But be warned," he added. "I just told Peter this last night that after the two sentimental softies give you a night off, I'm comin' with some good chinese food and some Tough Love!"
"Uh oh...like?"
"Like...I love ya bud, but you ain't the first guy in the world whose been dumped. I can tell you ALL about it. Mourning period is over. I'm going to prepare you for the next stage.I No more self pity and feeling sorry for youself," he declared. "It's my duty as a friend."
"Gulp!" Jeremy replied jokingly. After the cocoon of Peter and Marty, this would be a pale of cold water right in his face. But he quickly realized that there was maybe some truth to what he was saying, too. Quickly, like with Peter and Marty, he decided to put himself in the hands of fate.
Without telling him anything of the conversation, he folded up the phone in his hand after pressing the `End Call' button. "Um...Peter, may I ask, did that call have anything to do with this surprise breakfast?"
There was no response, he just looked at the ground that straightened out his backpack.
"You know, Jer,I think that Marty was right, I need to get going," he replied, wearing a slight smirk on his face, which was returned by Jeremy.
"Gotcha!" Jeremy said as he patted Peter on the back on his way to the door.
But Marty had positioned himself strategically to catch Peter before he could slip out the way he had planned. What he had observed as a Peter's physical attributes, like the ruddy cheeks, were alarm bells to Marty.
"Where's your scarf?" he asked him.
"Oh, umm...I guess I forgot to put it on. I didn't want the food to get cold so I kind of ran out the door..."
"We'll, you need one, so take mine."
"But what will you wear? You'll be cold!"
"I'm better at the cold than you, Pete. Wear it!" he ordered as he began to wrap the scarf around Peter's neck before pulling his cap down much farther down to cover his ears and meet up with the scarf.
"There, that's better," he said after pulling Peter's zipper up to the very top of his jacket. He now looked more like the Michelin Man.
This little episode said as much about these two guys, and about himself, as anything over the past day. It was such a simple task, but Marty's intensity was obvious. There was no detail he overlooked to make sure that Peter was warm and save. And as much as he missed Kathy and still felt the sting of her rejection, there was he couldn't say that he ever had a similar desire or drive. Or experience.
"You sure you're going to be OK, Jer?" Peter said as he turned his whole body to open the door. Marty had bundled him up so tightly the he could hardly move his trunk without turning his legs.
"It'll be OK. Wei's going to make me dinner and spend the evening and night with me because he cares...in his own way," he replied with another small grin.
"And to be honest, I'm not sure that anyone's words mean too much either way right now. It's just the thought and time that you all spend with me that count, and let me know what really great friends I have."