This story contains portrayals of homosexual actions and lifestyles. There may be references to, or explicit descriptions of, sex between consenting adults.
If homosexuality, sexually explicit language, or swearing offends you, or if reading material that contains these topics violates any law or personal or religious beliefs, or if you under 18 years of age, please leave now, without proceeding further.
This story is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to actual persons are completely coincidental. Actual locations are mentioned, and are used for 'background' only.
You are also welcome to read my newest story, 'Leith,' also located in Nifty's Gay College Section.
Roy roynm@mac.com
Phalen - Chapter 24
The ceremony was about to begin. Jeff hadn't seen Phalen since early in the morning. He had barely sat down to savor his first cup of morning coffee when he had received a telephone call from someone sounding very official. Jeff handed him the phone and had gone about making breakfast. He looked over his shoulder a couple times, noticing how Phalen was quietly nodding and staring into his coffee. He grinned once when he met Jeff's glance and had held his cup out, silently asking for a refill. When he hung up Jeff leaned on the counter.
"Trouble?"
Phalen shook his head. "No. That was the school principal. He just told me I'm valedictorian of my class." Phalen raised his coffee cup to his lips and took a long swallow, looking at Jeff's surprised expression over the rim of the cup.
"That's wonderful, lover!" He came around the counter and hugged Phalen tightly. "Are you surprised? You seem in a daze or something. This is a wonderful accomplishment. I know you study hard." Phalen sat the cup down and held it with both hands, staring into the dark liquid as if, somehow, he could see his future.
"No, not really. I study a lot, but not hard. I feet bad for some of the other people. Things have always been pretty easy for me to understand, so I've not had to struggle. Some of those guys have worked really hard. It doesn't seem quite fair." He looked at Jeff with a crooked grin. "If I could give the recognition to one of them I would. It would mean much more to them." He smiled and took Jeff's hand, grinning crookedly at Jeff's dumbfounded expression. "Don't get me wrong. I'm pleased . . . but I sorta feel guilty too." He shrugged and finished his coffee, making a face. "I hate cold coffee."
In an abrupt change of mood, he smiled and rubbed his hands together; once again the person Jeff was familiar with. "Let's eat. I'm starved." He walked to the stove and examined what Jeff was preparing and then began to set out dishes and silverware, speaking as he worked. "I have to haul myself over to the school in a little while. They want me to give a speech this afternoon. I've also got to meet with some people and have my picture taken and stuff.
Jeff studied Phalen while they were eating. He seemed subdued, eating in silence. "Are you sure things are okay?" Jeff prompted when Phalen stood and began clearing the table, putting everything into the dishwasher.
"Yep, just fine. I'm thinking about what to say, that's all. I hate those 'we are the future' speeches. I want to do something different." He kissed Jeff and walked toward the bathroom. "Thanks for breakfast!" he shouted. A moment later Jeff could hear the shower running.
It wasn't long and Phalen walked into the kitchen. He stopped and held his arms out to his sides. "Is everything in place? Do I look okay?" Jeff looked up from the newspaper, which he was reading and smiled.
"You're perfect, as always. I'll bet you're the most handsome guy in that entire school. We already know you're the smartest." Phalen made a self-deprecating gesture, but smiled. "You know what you're going to talk about?" Jeff asked, holding him in a loose embrace, looking into his dark blue eyes. "Are you going to write it out or something?"
"Yeah, I think I know what I'm going to say and no, no notes. I'll sorta roughly plan it out and think of things as I go." Jeff raised his eyebrows. "I always speak that way," Phalen continued, grinning at Jeff's expression. "There's not so much writing that way, and besides, when I do write things down, I never end up reading the notes, so why do it?" He wrapped his arms around Jeff's shoulders and kissed him thoroughly, smacking his lips and smiling when they finished. "Damn, you're a good kisser." He turned on his heel and walked toward the front door. "See you guys this afternoon."
The auditorium lights dimmed and an expectant hush fell over the audience. The first notes of "Pomp and Circumstance" filled the air and the McClintock High School seniors began to file in, a sea of red slowly filing the seats reserved for them on the arena floor.
Larry looked over to Jeff and smiled, the paternal pride evident, just as Jeff's cell vibrated against his hip. He was tempted to ignore it but decided to see whom might be calling. It was a text message. "PLS CALL IMPT BRAD." Larry glanced at him, a questioning look on his face.
"Something important?"
Jeff shrugged. "Not as important as this." He nodded toward the assembling crowd below. "I'll call him back after we're finished here." He thought a moment and then decided to respond anyway, so Brad wouldn't think he hadn't received the message and keep trying.
"LATER AT PHALENS GRAD." He pressed the send button and returned to watching the graduates file in. 'What can be so important?' he wondered, running through all the possibilities he could think of. Only one seemed likely . . . Curt.
An hour later it was almost Phalen's turn to walk across the stage and receive his diploma. Larry was fidgeting in his seat. Each of the graduates had received polite applause from the assembled parents, some receiving more, some less. When Phalen's name was announced, many of the students themselves began applauding, their noise joining that of the audience and Larry and Jeff's cheers. Jeff glanced over to Larry and caught him wiping a tear from his eyes.
"Did you hear that applause?" Larry asked, his dimples flashing and his eyes sparkling. Jeff nodded, as proud as he could ever remember being. In the back of his mind he was worried about Brad.
'If there's an intermission, I'll call him.' A cheer from some proud parents nearby interrupted his thoughts. He glanced to his right, knowing exactly how they were feeling.
Finally, it was time for the speech.
Phalen walked confidently to the lectern. He had discarded his graduation gown and was wearing his camel colored slacks, dark brown sport coat and white Polo, a handsome figure that drew many murmurs from the audience. He was oblivious to the sounds as he pinned on the microphone and then took a moment to look out over the crowd of parents, teachers and his classmates. As the audience became quiet, wondering what the class valedictorian would say, he walked over to a stool, placed near the center of the stage, and sat down, resting both feet on one of the stool's cross bars.
"As I watched my friends receive their diplomas today I was wondering," he began in a conversational tone, leaning forward and resting both elbows on his knees, totally relaxed in front of the crowded arena. He paused a moment longer, seeming to be lost in thought. "I was wondering why each of us seems to strive to be like everyone else. As students, it seems we're always trying to be like our classmates or a movie star or rock star or something. We never stop to wonder what we are. After we've practiced all our life and we think we're just like all of those people around us, we begin to think of ourselves as 'normal.' The problem is, we've let someone else define what we are."
He sat up straight, his hands clasped loosely between his slightly spread legs, totally at ease, looking at the audience in the balcony surrounding the graduating students. "Students are not alone in wanting to fit in by conforming to someone else's ideals," he continued. "Our teachers do the same thing . . . and our parents." He let that thought hang in the air for a moment before continuing. "Everyone seems to work so hard to be what others expect them to be. . . . I've often wondered why."
He stood, and slowly walked across the stage as he continued to speak, first to one side, then back toward the center, speaking in a conversational tone, as if to a single individual but glancing at the audience as he spoke.
"For much of my life, I tried to fit everyone's definition of normal; trying to act and think like my friends and those around me. I was fortunate. My friends aren't troublemakers. They don't do drugs or smoke, or anything that would be considered by some to be antisocial. I fit in. In everyone's eyes I was normal because I was just like them."
He paused at the lectern, grasping the front edges, as he looked at the crowd and lowered his voice. "I knew I wasn't." He bowed his head for a moment and then once again began to move across the stage. "I wasn't being me . . . the real me. I was only a reflection of my friends and their behavior."
"I was considered normal, but I wasn't happy." He had reached one side of the stage. He paused to look out over the audience and then turned and began to walk in the opposite direction. "I was successful in school, and as an athlete. I have many friends and by any measure would have been considered a success . . . but I wasn't truly happy." The last words were spoken quietly. He looked up and raised his voice. "I have a wonderful father who loves me as deeply as I do him. I was never hungry, or really sick, or deprived, but I seldom smiled or laughed. Even when I was surrounded by friends or teammates . . . I was alone. . . . I believed that in order to lead a fulfilling life I would have to be like everyone else." He stood behind the lectern, holding both sides. "No matter how hard I tried, I wasn't really happy. I was only a reflection of those around me. When they looked at me they saw themselves --- not me. They're all fine people, but they aren't me."
Phalen once again sat on the stool. "I was afraid to change; to show everyone the real me. But I learned that fear can make one's spirit sick. It can turn you into a shuffling thing inside. It can feed on itself like a disease until you cannot move and you no longer have any pride in what you truly are." He paused once again to look out over the audience, seeming to make eye contact with each person.
"Not too long ago, someone came into my life who made me realize there's more to life than being a reflection."
Phalen paused a moment, briefly breaking eye contact with the audience. He had captured their imagination with his words. No one was whispering to his or her neighbor. The restless shuffling that often accompanies ceremonies was absent. He had their undivided attention. It was obvious to the audience Phalen was having an emotional moment. He swallowed once and then looked up and grinned.
Larry glanced at Jeff, briefly gripping his hand. Jeff turned and smiled, his eyes shining.
"This person has had a hard life, but has stood tall through adversity that would have broken a lesser spirit. He isn't an imitation of anyone else. He is unique. Even now, while he's sitting with my father listening to me, I imagine he does not realize how his presence has changed my life." Phalen raised his voice slightly, maintaining his control of the audience. "We . . . all of us." He made a broad gesture encompassing everyone in the room, . . . "Should be aware when we meet someone like him. We can all learn from them."
"Jeff set me free. After meeting him I stopped allowing myself to be molded into what someone else thought was appropriate. I stopped being fearful that the real me might escape and make itself known." He grinned, his dark blue eyes sparkling. "My friends haven't noticed anything different, but I am a wholly changed person. Knowing . . . and loving, Jeff the way I do has enabled me to be free. By example, he has taught me about courage, about integrity . . . and forgiveness." Phalen bowed his head for a moment. "He also taught me about what it means to be loved . . . and to love. Because of his example, I can strive for greatness, not as an imitation of anyone else, but as me."
Phalen paused. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes shining, while he once again moved to the lectern. Jeff took Larry's handkerchief and wiped his eyes, breathing deeply, trying not to cry.
"Each of us in this room," Phalen continued, "is constantly being presented with opportunities to achieve greatness in our own lives. We can all learn from my friend." He leaned forward, once again gripping each side of the lectern and spoke slowly. "Each of us can only achieve that greatness when we stop trying to be imitations of others, fearful of our reputations. One's reputation is what other people know about you. That's what most people mistakenly want to guard. But one's reputation is not nearly as important as one's honor." Once again, Phalen looked out over the audience in a moment of silence. "Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. Guard your honor, and let your reputation fall where it may."
He stood straight, slowly turning his head from side to side, looking at his classmates, as well as their parents and teachers, giving everyone an opportunity to think about what he had said.
"None of us should be afraid to be ourselves, nor to let others see the real us. We can all learn from my friend, and others like him, that adversity can be overcome, forgiveness will be rewarded, and that fitting in is not as important in the larger scheme of things as being true to ones self."
Phalen grinned, no longer serious. "I can see how some of you are thinking this graduation speech is totally weird. It's not what you were expecting." He smiled. "I know it isn't.
I'm not striving to fit in. . . . I'm happy being me."
He loosened his grip on the lectern, and smiled one of his prize-winning smiles, enjoying the moment of silence his speech had caused.
Larry broke the silence, and character, by standing up and shouting, "Way to go, Phalen!" Others joined him as groups of people began to stand and applaud. In only a few moments the entire auditorium was giving Phalen a standing ovation. He smiled, raising his hand in a brief wave of acknowledgment, before striding off the stage.
"Hey, Brad, Jeff." He had found a relatively quiet corner of the building after the ceremony, letting Larry know where he was headed and why. The phone had rung only once before Brad answered. There was street noise in the background. A passing siren blared, drowning out Brad's voice for a moment. Brad continued to speak and after a few moments the siren passed into the distance, its wail finally lost.
"What's up?" Jeff asked. "Sorry I couldn't call earlier, but I'm at Phalen's graduation. It just finished. He was named valedictorian! By the way, where are you? There's lots of traffic noise." He paused a second, realizing he was calling Brad to find out what was bothering him, not to bring him up to date on Phalen's graduation.
"Sorry, I'm excited. What's going on?" He found himself leaning against a wall as Brad spoke, describing his finding Curt with another man, followed by a near-disastrous final presentation at school. According to Brad his delivery had been so bad Professor Lewis had called a recess mid-way through and escorted Brad to a private office, asking what the problem was. It took a while but Brad was finally coaxed into telling him exactly what had happened, and why he was so shaken up. Professor Lewis had thought a moment before he stood left the room, saying he would handle everything. He returned a few minutes later, smiling in satisfaction.
It turned out the jury panel had been looking at Brad's presentation materials while he and Professor Lewis were conferring. They had come to the conclusion that something was obviously terribly wrong for Brad to be behaving as he was, so they were willing to dispense with the rest of the presentation. The jury panel had told the Professor that since Brad had finished his project on time, and since it was of the same high caliber as his previous work, they did not need to hear the rest of his presentation to be able to give him his grade. They had already dismissed the audience, and had told Professor Lewis to convey their best wishes to Brad.
Professor Lewis smiled and told Brad he was ready to strong-arm them into the same result if they hadn't arrived at it on their own. He also told Brad the entire jury panel wished him well. At that, Brad had covered his face and had begun to silently sob, his emotions finally catching up with him. Professor Lewis walked around the desk, drew up a chair, and put a comforting arm around Brad's shoulders, sitting quietly while Brad's emotions ran their course.
"That was the high point of the day." Brad barked a laugh. You can imagine if that was the good part, how awful the rest of it has been." Once again the traffic noise prevented Jeff from hearing everything being said. "So," he heard, when things quieted down a little, "I've been sitting here on the patio of the Chuck Box hamburger joint across from the Architecture School for the past four hours. I keep ordering things to eat so they don't chase me off. Jeff, I don't have anyplace to go!" Brad almost wailed. While Brad had been talking, Jeff looked up to see Larry and Phalen standing nearby with worried expressions on their faces.
"Of course you've got a place to stay . . . for as long as you want! Phalen and I would love to have you stay with us." He listened for a moment. "We'll be home in about an hour." He looked up at Larry and Phalen for confirmation. They both nodded. "Do you need a lift or anything?"
Phalen moved close and put his arm around Jeff's waist, offering his support, not knowing whom Jeff was speaking with. "Okay," Jeff concluded, giving Phalen a smile of appreciation. "We'll see you then. You can park in the garage. There's plenty of room." Phalen nodded in agreement. "No, no, don't bother your parents, there's no need . . . at least not this afternoon. You've got a home with us as long as you need it." He paused a moment and listened, nodding from time to time. "Okay, in about an hour. Take care." He closed the phone and heaved a sigh, turning to Phalen.
"That was Brad. He just left Curt." Phalen's eyes widened. He started to say something but before he had a chance to speak, someone called his name. He turned and waved, smiling absently at their shouted congratulations. The people moved on and he immediately turned back to Jeff, a worried expression on his face.
"Things are under control. Brad's okay and he'll be over in a little while." He shook his head, banishing Brad's problems to the future and turned back to Phalen, wrapping him in his arms.
"Congratulations, lover. You were fantastic!" He looked into Phalen's eyes a moment and then kissed him on the lips, causing a few heads to turn. They both ignored the stares, as did Larry, who moved closer at Phalen's invitation and gave him a hug and words of congratulation of his own.
"Brad?" Larry asked. Phalen nodded, remaining close to Jeff.
"One of Jeff's architecture school friends. I've mentioned him before. He just left his lover." Phalen frowned. "He's such a great guy, I hate to see this happen to him, but his partner has been a real prick recently." Phalen grinned and changed the subject.
"About this afternoon. Thanks again, guys." Phalen looked at each in turn. "It means a lot to have the two people I love most here with me today." He smiled brightly. "Now, let's head home. I'm not used to wearing all these clothes." He fanned himself dramatically and wiped his brow, winking at his father. "They wouldn't hear of me wearing a jock on stage," he teased. "I asked, believe me." He nodded as if he were remembering a conversation. "I was even willing to wear a tie with it!" He giggled. "They looked at me like I was nuts. I guess being a valedictorian doesn't have as many perks as I thought." He leaned close to his father and spoke conspiratorially. "If I hadn't had to make that speech, I would have worn a jock under that gown-thing. I swear. It certainly would have been cooler." Larry and Jeff laughed along with Phalen as they all left the building arm in arm.
~ To be continued ~
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment on this story. I've been overwhelmed at the response to 'Phalen,' and love to hear from each of you.
If you would like me to send you a pic of the guys that inspired the main characters in this story, email me.
Sisu (SEE-sue) Mina rakastan sinua (I love you) Mita (what) Anteeksi (I'm sorry)
I would like to thank Carey for his ceaseless efforts to make me a better writer, Gwynne for her daily doses of humor and her insights into the characters, and Larry in Finland for helping me with the Finnish language and for being a good friend. Writing may be a solitary endeavor but the thoughts of each of these people, as well as you, the story's readers, affect the story's course.
A number of readers have written asking for the correct pronunciation of the character's names. They are:
Phalen (FAY-lin) Kerin (KEAR-in) Thian (THE as in Theater (THE-in)
Thanks for reading.
Roy roynm@mac.com