Copyright 2011 by Dextrousleftie. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The author holds exclusive rights to this work, unauthorized duplication or use of the characters is prohibited. Please contact me at my e-mail address if you have any questions. Also, enjoy the story. :)
Julian was pacing his office again. Jonas waited patiently, his pen poised over the notepad he held in his hand. He'd learned patience with this particular patient over the last few weeks; Julian Archer was stubborn and decidedly uncommunicative. He didn't want to talk about whatever had traumatized him at all. And it was clear to the therapist that something HAD traumatized his patient, above and beyond his childhood neglect at the hands of his wealthy but indifferent parents. The radical changes in his behavior over the last year, as well as the way he acted during their sessions, told Jonas a great deal. He simply had to keep patiently and gently pushing until he could get Julian to open up to him about what had happened. If he ever could.
Julian paused in his latest bout of pacing, which had started because Jonas had asked him once more about his recent college life, and stood looking down out of the wide windows at the street below. "Do you ever think about jumping?" he said abruptly. "Out of these windows, I mean? It's high enough up that you probably wouldn't survive."
Jonas felt a chill go down his spine. He wrote: `Clearly has thoughts about suicide often.' On the pad in front of him.
"Yes, I used to," he replied casually. "Just after Chris died. I'd stand there for hours, thinking about flinging myself out the window and joining him wherever he is. But two things stopped me -- the first was that I knew that Chris would be furious at me for killing myself, and the second is the fact that I'm Jewish and he wasn't. I was afraid that we'd go to different places," he added wryly. "Although if God is supposed to be as loving as they say He is, I'll most certainly end up with Chris somewhere. But those thoughts passed as my grief subsided somewhat. Why? Do you ever think about killing yourself?"
Julian shot him a speaking glance over his shoulder. "Typical psycho question," he said scornfully. He'd taken to calling Jonas a `psycho', short for psychologist, just to piss him off. He hadn't risen to the bait so far, however. He knew that this was just another attempt of his patient's to change the subject and divert attention from where he didn't want it to be. "Sure, I think about offing myself. Who doesn't?" his voice was casual, but an underlying tone told the therapist a good deal.
"Would you say that your thoughts about committing suicide have been more frequent lately?"
Julian scowled at him. "Maybe. Look, what does it matter? If I DON'T kill myself, why does it matter if I think about it a lot?"
Jonas sighed, laying the notepad on his lap. "Because frequent thoughts of suicide aren't exactly a sign of good mental health," he pointed out somewhat acerbically. Julian could get on his nerves, especially when he was being deliberately combative and irritating.
Julian shrugged. "Maybe. So I'm not in good mental health. In the long run, who cares? I don't," he went on with a wave of his hand.
"I think you do, actually," Jonas replied calmly. "You may pretend that you don't, but somewhere inside of you there's a person who wants to get healthy again. If there wasn't, you would have stopped coming to these sessions in spite of your mother's threats. Or you would have simply sat here and said nothing rather than make this deal with me. I think you want to get better, but you're also afraid that you won't."
"Ooo, good one, Freud," the college student said sardonically. "Any more nuggets of wisdom you have for me? Like if I keep believing in fairies Tinker Bell won't die?"
Jonas took a long breath rather than snap an angry reply to this baiting. He knew that Julian was doing it on purpose; to avoid talking about the subject they were currently on. "Actually, I don't think that fairies are a subset of Psychology," he said evenly. "So why don't you tell me why you broke up with your boyfriend?"
Julian glared at him, turning away from the window completely. "I told you I don't want to talk about him," he spat through rigid lips.
Jonas lifted a single dark brow. "Oh? I can talk about my dead boyfriend and my pain over losing him, but you can't talk about the boyfriend you broke up with? That hardly seems fair. Quid pro quo, remember?"
Julian bared his teeth at this reminder of their deal, the one that he'd brokered. "The difference is," he snarled, "That your precious Chris seems to have been a fucking saint, while Darryn was an asshole extraordinaire."
"Was he? In what way?" Jonas asked, prodding him some more.
"In every way," the younger man replied, folding his arms tightly over his chest. He made this defensive gesture every time that he talked about his ex-boyfriend, Jonas noted. That fact made him even more determined to find out all about this Darryn and what he might have done to contribute to Julian's current mental state.
"Oh? Was he abusive?" the therapist asked, his voice gentle and calm.
Julian moved restlessly. "Not exactly," he said reluctantly. "He didn't hit me, if that's what you're asking. But he had a nasty temper and an equally nasty mouth, and he used to turn both of them on me when he wasn't in a good mood. I got tired of being called names, that's why I gave him the boot."
There was far more to this story than that tiny statement, Jonas was sure of it. But he let it go for now. "What about your classes?" he said instead, changing the subject. "Are you finding it harder to concentrate lately?"
Julian laughed, a cracked sound. "Sure I am. It's not easy to concentrate when you're hung over or just coming down from whatever drug you took the night before. I'm afraid that's the real source of my slipping grades. Mommy may have a problem with that, but I suppose if she cuts me off I'll just become a male prostitute or maybe a stripper. There's good money in those professions, you know."
Jonas simply stared at Julian from behinds his gold-rimmed glasses silently, letting the younger man squirm a little. The therapist never responded to outrageous statements, they only encouraged the patient to do it again because the ploy had worked once. When Julian turned away rather than meet his eyes anymore, Jonas spoke at last: "Your mother voiced her concerns to me that you might be having unprotected sex with anonymous strangers. Don't you think that that's a dangerous behavior? Are you afraid of catching a disease or being hurt by the person you're sleeping with?"
Julian's shoulders rolled in an uncomfortable gesture. "What does it matter who I sleep with? Nothing matters," he said, staring out the window once more.
"It does matter. To you, to your mother, and to anyone else who cares about you. Surely you have friends who are worried about you? And you must know that your behavior is worrying them," Jonas pointed out gently.
Julian turned suddenly to look at him. The college student's long fingered hand ran over the front of his own shirt in a lascivious gesture. "What about you, Doc?" he purred. "Are you worried about me too?"
"Yes, I am," Jonas replied, keeping his tone of voice crisp and professional. He ignored a slight stirring of arousal as being inappropriate and not useful to the situation at all. He'd simply been too long without anybody since Chris died. He really needed to get laid...
"Ooo. I like the sound of that," Julian began to stalk toward him like a panther. "It's nice to have somebody worry about me. How can I show my appreciation, Doc?"
Jonas tensed as the younger man approached his chair and stood over him. He looked up into Julian's lidded eyes and said quietly: "You can tell me if your break-up with Darryn has anything to do with your subsequent behavior."
Julian stiffened. His sultry look changed to one of hard anger. "You just never give up, do you?" he said bitterly, turning away.
"It's my job not to," Jonas pointed out gently.
A snort. Julian flung himself back down into his chair. "Fuck. What if I said yes? That my break-up was so traumatic for me that I've spiraled downward into these self-destructive behaviors as a consequence?"
Jonas looked at him. "I'd say that you're being obstructive and sarcastic both," he replied. "Because there's something that you simply don't want to talk to me about. And it seems to concern your former boyfriend in some way."
Julian laughed coldly. "A man has to have SOME secrets," he remarked.
Jonas shook his head. "Not when those secrets are hurting him," he said. "Then those secrets are like an infected wound. They needed to be lanced or excised, then the infection can drain and the mind can heal. Otherwise they fester and kill the entire organism."
Julian took in a deep breath, his fingers spasming on the arms of his chair. "Let me ask you something," he said, and something in his voice made Jonas come to a mental `point' as he waited for what was going to be an important question, "Have you ever trusted someone, maybe even loved them, and then they did something to you that totally shattered that trust and betrayed your love? How do you come back from that, Doc? Please tell me, because I'd really like to know."
Jonas picked over his reply very carefully. "It's very difficult when someone breaks your trust," he admitted slowly. "Especially someone you care about. It makes your judgment seem off, because you trusted that person in the first place. But we all make mistakes and bad judgment calls. I had a friend in college who I really liked right from the get go. We hung out together all the time, did everything together. It was really nice to have a close friend...until the day I overheard him telling some other guys that he only hung out with that `skinny kike fag' because I was smart and he was pretty much having me do his homework for him. It was the only way he could pass, since he was a party boy and a stoner. That hurt more than I can say. I never spoke to him again, of course; but the pain was still very intense. And I felt like a total idiot for trusting him and befriending him. I should have seen what he was like, what he was really after. But truthfully...people who are very manipulative and are out to get something are often very canny about hiding who and what they really are. Everyone has been fooled by that kind of person at one time or another; it's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't mean that you're an idiot, it means that they're bad people for doing what they were doing in the first place."
"Bad people? Geez, what are you, five?" Julian asked scornfully, although his fingers were gripping the arms of the chair very tightly and his voice had a slight catch in it.
Jonas smiled wryly. "In some ways, I suppose I am," he conceded. "I'm a very simple person. While there are many shades of grey in this world, what it really comes down to is the fact that there are good people and bad people. They may fall into the spectrum of bad' or good', with varying degrees from saintly to demonic. But in the long run, they are one or the other. Good people may do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. And bad people may do good things -- for their own purposes, of course -- but that doesn't make them good. And one of the things that makes good people good in my book is that they're willing to give of themselves generously, to open their hearts to others. And many times the bad people take advantage of that trait and deliberately use or hurt the good people. But if they do that, they are to blame and in the wrong, not the good folks for caring in the first place. And it is they who will pay in the end, one way or the other. Karma will see to that."
Julian's eyebrows shot up. "A Jew who believes in karma?!" he exclaimed in disbelief.
Jonas's lips lifted slightly. "I believe in many things," he replied serenely. "Often without proof. Karma just seems to make sense to me, since I've seen more than one example of it in my work. It may seem that the bad people never get punished, but don't believe it. It might take a while, but eventually what you do will either reward you or come back to bite you in the ass."
Julian shook his head. "You're unbelievable," he muttered. "Totally gullible."
"I like to think of it as being optimistic," Jonas replied cheerfully. "Chris used to tease me about it, but I think he really liked my upbeat take on life. It was better than moping and being morose all the time, he used to say. That never served any purpose except to make the people around you feel the same way. So the unhappiness would spread outward in waves, like ripples on a pond. And eventually the whole world would catch your unhappiness. But it also works the opposite way -- you can infect the entire Earth with your happiness and joy in life."
"You really believe that?" Julian demanded.
"Sure, why not? There are worse things to believe. And negative thinking can have a huge impact on the world around you, believe me. It really is like a disease. Or `dis-ease', as it were. A lack of peace, calm, and enjoyment in life."
"But...how can you believe that when the person you loved the most is DEAD! Just randomly dead, for no reason?!"
Jonas sighed, his eyes a little saddened. "Chris's death had a purpose, everything does," he replied simply. "It wasn't random at all. And while it still hurts to be without him, I have all of my good memories to sustain me. I cherish them, and I always will. I know that each day it will get less hard, that life will get easier without him. That helps too. I can't give into despair for his sake as much as anything else. He wouldn't want that for me, because he loved me."
Julian looked stricken. His face was twisted with some internal strife, some battle taking place within him. "How can you...? How can...?" he gasped, beginning to rock a little.
Jonas leaned forward, his eyes concerned. "Julian? What is it?" he asked. He recognized the signals that were a prelude to some kind of break-down; he just wasn't sure what kind yet.
"I...can't...you..." Julian's fingernails scored at his face. Jonas leapt to his feet and hurried over to grab the younger man's hands and stop him from hurting himself. "Julian, talk to me!" he said urgently.
A cry rose up in Julian's throat, a sound that turned into a scream. It was a sound so full of pain and despair that it made the hair start to stand up on Jonas's neck. It was followed by another, then another, then another. Julian writhed under his staying hands, fighting invisible demons within himself. The therapist held onto his patient determinedly, knowing instinctively that if he let go now he'd lose Julian Archer for good.
Jonas put his hands on Julian's upper arms, holding the younger man as he cried out over the screams of anguish: "Julian! Julian! It's me, Jonas!"
But his touch had an electric effect on Julian. He screamed in terror and lunged off of the chair, falling on the floor and scrambling away on his ass. He threw his arms up into the air and cried: "Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"
Jonas stood where he was, not wanting to pursue Julian when he was in this state. Clearly the other man wasn't even aware of his presence right now, and would take any touch as a potential attack. He might even have a psychotic break if he was too scared. So while he spoke in a soothing tone of voice, he didn't move from his position by the chair. "Julian? Can you hear me?" he asked, trying to keep the desperate worry out of his voice. He mostly succeeded, although it wavered a little.
Julian had scooted up into a corner of the room and was cowering there with his arms over his head to protect himself. He was making little animal noises in the back of his throat, noises that made Jonas's stomach clench and his gut twist. "Julian," he began again. "It's me, Jonas. You're in my office, having a session. You're safe, Julian. I would never hurt you."
His soothing voice seemed to finally get through to the other man as little. Julian's arms came down enough that he could peer at the therapist over the top of them. The terror lurking in his eyes made Jonas's hurt heart to see it. "Jonas?" he croaked after a moment's tense silence.
"Yes, it's me. You're in my office, you're safe. I promise you, you're safe. Don't be afraid, Julian," Jonas crooned, as though he were speaking to a hurt little child. Although that's pretty much what he was doing at the moment, since Julian had reverted in his terror back to a much younger state of mind...
Julian slowly lowered his arms some more, blinking as his mind came back from whatever awful place that it had retreated to. He turned his head as though scanning the office for threats, but seeing none he took in a trembling breath and relaxed a bit. "Sorry about that," he rasped. "I just don't...like to be touched..."
Jonas sighed at this attempt of Julian's to act casual, as though something profound hadn't just happened. But he wasn't going to push the obviously mentally fragile young man any further today lest he drive Julian into snapping completely. He was walking a tightrope now; and he had to balance carefully. So all he said was: "All right. I think that we should end our session for today, if that's all right with you. I'll see you in a few days." He kept his voice neutral and even, and it seemed to relax Julian even further.
He stood slowly up on shaky legs. "Sure," he said, his attempts to act casual completely pathetic and heartbreaking, "I'll see you later, Doc," he waved a hand and made for the door, clearly glad to be out of Jonas's office.
Jonas watched him leave, then sighed again and rubbed at his forehead. Oh, Chris, what do I do here?" he thought wearily, remembering all of the good advice that his lover used to give him with his most troubled patients. He's in pain; something terrible has happened to him. But how can I get him to tell me what it was without driving him crazy?'
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