Copyright 2011 by Dextrousleftie. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The author holds exclusive rights to this work, unauthorized duplication or use of the characters is prohibited. Please contact me at my e-mail address if you have any questions. Also, enjoy the story. :)
Jonas was worried about Julian. Over the last few weeks, his patient had become rather withdrawn again. He seemed uncomfortable being in Jonas's presence, and he wouldn't meet his eyes most of the time. When he tried to gently get out of Julian what was troubling him, the younger man clammed up and refused to discuss it. Jonas was very concerned, and he wondered if he shouldn't refer Julian to another therapist. If he wasn't going to work with Jonas or discuss his problems, what was the point of his coming here three times a week?
But he didn't want to. He really didn't. Getting to see Julian made him happy. Every time that the younger man walked into his office, his heart jumped and his stomach knotted inside of him. While it was somewhat torturous, it was such pleasant torture that he didn't want to stop it. But the truth was, Julian needed help. And if he wouldn't let Jonas help him, he needed to go to someone who COULD help him. His therapy needed to stay on track no matter what. So he resigned himself to telling Julian that he was going to recommend another therapist for him, no matter how much it hurt him. You did what was best for those you loved, no matter how much it might hurt you. Otherwise, you didn't really love them at all.
Jonas took a deep breath as Julian walked into his office. He smiled, his face feeling stretched tight by the gesture. "Hi, Julian. Please sit down," he said as he always did, waving at the chair that Julian always sat in.
The younger man took his seat, saying quietly: "Hi, Jonas. How are you?"
Not that great,' Jonas thought with a mental sigh. But aloud all he said was: "I'm fine. Before we get started today, there's something d like to discuss with you, Julian."
"Sure. What is it?" Julian actually met his eyes for once, then looked away hurriedly again. This gesture only helped to strengthen Jonas's resolve.
"I've made up a list of therapists who I really think can help you," Jonas began. "I'd like you to look it over and pick one of them, because I really don't think that I can help you anymore."
Julian's head snapped up, his mouth open and his eyes wide with shock. "What?!" he yelped.
Jonas sighed aloud this time. "Julian, I really think that you need to change therapists. Lately you haven't been working with me at all. You won't talk about what's bothering you, you keep acting uneasy around me, and you won't even meet my eyes..."
"But...!" Julian began unhappily.
Jonas met his gaze. "Can you tell me what's wrong? What's bothering you?" he asked gently. "Because if you can't, I really think that you need to switch therapists. How can I help you if you won't let me? And doesn't that make these sessions pretty futile?" his voice was faintly chiding, and Julian flushed a little pink and dropped his eyes.
"I don't...know...if I can tell you," he whispered, his hands knotting together in his lap.
Jonas looked at his bent head. "I want to help you, Julian," he said softly. "But how can I if you won't let me? Perhaps another therapist could..."
"No!" Julian cried, his head coming up again. He glared at Jonas fiercely. "I don't want to go to anybody else! If you try to get rid of me, I'll stop going to therapy altogether, I swear!"
His vehemence took Jonas aback. His dark eyes searched Julian's flushed, angry face. "But why, Julian?" he asked in puzzlement. "Don't you want to get better?"
Julian rubbed at his face rather wildly with his hands. "Yes, I do," he choked out. "But I don't want to do it with anybody but you. Please, can't I stay?" the desperate plea in his voice made Jonas feel awful.
"Yes, you can stay," he sighed. "But I honestly don't see what good it will do. If you won't talk to me, how can I help you?"
Julian lowered his hands and met Jonas's eyes again. "I'll tell you," he said suddenly. "But you won't like it. Maybe you'll try to get rid of me again anyway. I..." he looked away, his face taut and his jaw set. "I just...discovered something lately."
"What? What is it, Julian?" Jonas asked, very concerned now.
Julian's eyes slid back to his face briefly. Then he jumped to his feet and walked toward the windows, standing with his back toward Jonas. He spoke in a flat, tight voice: "I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to. Jonas...I love you."
Startled silence fell over the office. Jonas gaped at Julian's turned back. Had he just said what he thought he'd said?! "What?" he said aloud, sure that his hearing had gone bad on him.
Julian sighed heavily. "I love you, Jonas," he repeated, still without turning around. "I really do. And I know what you're going to say – that its transference, or Florence Nightingale Syndrome, or some such bullshit as that. But it's not any of that. I didn't even know that I was attracted to you until my mother of all people said something to me, and then I had to really think about everything and I realized that...I was in love with you. You always said that I'd find out about real love someday, didn't you? Bet you never guessed that it would be with YOU," he voice was cracked as he tried for sarcasm.
Jonas was speechless. Here was a dream come true – Julian Archer admitting that he was in love with Jonas Goldman. But this was also a nightmare, since Julian was his patient, and younger than him, and just coming off a brutal rape...and he himself was just getting over the death of his lover. This couldn't have happened at a worse time for either of them, but when had love ever been reasonable or logical? It happened when it happened.
He cleared his throat. "Actually, Julian, I believe you," he began, wishing that he could give into his urges and jump up and down while cheering wildly. But instead he spoke in a controlled, calm voice.
Julian whirled around. "You do?!" he demanded, searching Jonas's face.
A nod. "Yes, I do. And I'm very flattered, but..."
"Yes, but," Julian said wearily."You probably have patients fall in love with you all the time. I'm just another fragile person looking for someone to latch onto. I get it, I really do..."
"Actually, I don't think that you do," Jonas replied. He mentally girded his loins as he met Julian's wary, unhappy gaze: "Because I'm in love with you too, Julian." He said quietly.
More shocked silence. Julian stood very still, as though he thought he were in a dream and that if he moved he'd wake up. He stared at Jonas desperately, his gaze searching the other man's face for any signs that Jonas was serious and meant what he'd said. Jonas stared back steadily, letting Julian see what he was feeling. No matter that this was probably wrong, and very bad timing, or any of the other concerns – he wasn't going to lie or hide anything from Julian. You just didn't do that to people that you loved, no matter how much trouble or pain it could cause you.
Julian finally pulled himself together enough to say in disbelief: "You're serious."
"Of course I am. Do you really think that I'd tell someone that I loved them when I didn't? Especially someone already grappling with a very traumatic experience?" Jonas said in faint indignation.
Julian shook his head slowly. "No, of course you wouldn't. I...I'm just having a hard time believing this," he said, awe in his voice. Then he paused, before saying slowly: "What now, Jonas?"
The therapist's shoulders lifted in a helpless shrug. "I don't know, Julian. I can't keep you as a patient if we decide to have some other kind of relationship, because that would be extremely unethical. I could lose my license and my practice. But you still need help, so I guess that the best thing to do is to continue with your therapy for now and worry about the rest later."
Julian looked unhappy. "How much longer are we going to continue with the therapy?" he asked.
"I don't know, it takes as long as it takes," Jonas replied, in near equally unhappy tones.
Julian reached up to rub at his forehead. "So let me get this straight – I have to come in here three times a week and talk to you, and do nothing else, for God only knows how long? And I can't touch you, or kiss you, or ANYTHING?"
Jonas felt his stomach muscles tighten at Julian's words. "I know it's going to be hard," he began apologetically.
"You can say that again," Julian replied dryly.
"But the only alternatives would be for you to go to another therapist as I suggested..."
"I don't want to do that," Julian said stubbornly.
Jonas sighed. "Or you can keep coming here every week until your therapy is through, and then we can discuss what we want to do about how we feel about each other. That's all the options that we have."
Julian looked mulish. "There's got to be a third one," he said. "What if...what If I wasn't your patient anymore, not officially anyway, but I still got therapy from you? How about that?"
Jonas looked surprised. "What do you mean? You want to stop being my patient and just have our therapy sessions unofficially?"
Julian nodded eagerly. "That's right. You wouldn't get paid anymore, of course; would that be okay? That way you wouldn't get in trouble because I wouldn't be a real client. That's how it works, right? You take money from me and have to treat me as a patient, but if you don't it's not quite the same?"
"Well, yes," Jonas began slowly. "If we just talked, as two friends might, it wouldn't be unethical...well, not really, anyway..." he said doubtfully.
Julian laughed, a light sound that made Jonas's toes curl. "As long as you won't lose your license, I'm not sure that I care about how ethical it might be," he said as he stepped toward Jonas. "I just want to be with you, Jonas. I want to take a hold of this thing and never let it go. You're the one that taught me that love is so wonderful, so precious, that once we have it we should never let it go no matter what. So technically this is your fault anyway," he added as he rounded Jonas's chair and held out his hand.
The therapist put his hand in Julian's as one in a dream, and found himself pulled to his feet. "I love you," Julian told him fiercely. "I can't help myself. It'd be different if you didn't love me, but you do. And that makes me so very happy..." his voice gave out as tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. Rather than trying to speak anymore, he leaned upward and closed his mouth over Jonas's. And as that gesture said more than words could anyway, it didn't matter that he couldn't seem to speak anymore...
Jonas sat in his chair and stared with dazed bemusement at the picture of Chris on his desk. He reached out to pick it up, looking at his smiling lover. "Chris," he began almost helplessly. "Julian says that he loves me. I want to believe that it's just him attaching himself to me because of his trauma, but I can't. Because I saw it in his eyes. He really does love me. And I love him. I'm sorry, Chris, but I do. This is wrong, but at this point I just don't want to be right. I hope you understand."
He set the picture back down, remembering the dream he'd had. Chris had told him in the dream to just go get Julian and be happy. But hadn't that just been his subconscious telling him what he wanted to hear in the guise of his dead lover? He rubbed at the side of his face a little, shaking his head. It didn't really matter one way or the other, because he was committed to Julian and whatever happened between them now no matter what. Chris had always said that when he gave his heart he gave it fully and without reserve – which is why he so seldom gave it to anybody. But now he'd given it to Julian Archer, and there was no going back. Even if he'd wanted to, which he didn't. Wrong as this might seem to be on the surface, his heart told him that it was right...And that was enough for him.
"I really like this room," Julian commented to him.
"Thanks. Chris and I decorated it together. He said that he wanted me to have a space that reflected me," Jonas told him as he seated himself in a comfortable leather chair that Chris had picked out for him. "This feels rather strange, having a therapy session with you at my house. But it's the only way," he added, "Since you're not officially my patient anymore."
Julian nodded as he sat down in a chair across from Jonas. "I hope you don't mind...that you're not getting paid for this anymore," he said doubtfully.
Jonas shook his head. "I wouldn't want to take money from you anyway, not when I have personal feelings for you. That wouldn't just be unethical, it would be plain wrong. I can't be as objective as I was anymore, not where you're concerned."
"Oh, I don't know," Julian replied. "I think you've done a great job being objective, since you said that you'd been in love with me for weeks. Just because you've admitted that you love me doesn't change that fact. I firmly believe that you'll still be a good therapist for me, even though we're getting involved in a relationship. You want what's best for me, after all; and you want to help me get better. What more could I ask for, in either a therapist or a lover?"
Jonas looked rather embarrassed by this praise, which made Julian grin. "Maybe we should get started," he said, which made Julian snort a little.
"Whatever you say, Jonas," he said with a twinkle in his eyes.
Jonas showed Julian around his house afterward, and made them both some tea in the kitchen. As they sipped it, Julian directed a bold look his way. "So, Jonas...when are you going to fuck me?" he asked, making Jonas splutter and nearly choke on his mouthful of tea.
Julian came over and patted him on the back. "Sorry," he said contritely.
"No, it's just..." Jonas said breathlessly, "You took me by surprise. Are you sure that you're ready for that, Julian? I mean..."
Julian chuckled, looking amused. "Jonas, you forget that since the rape I've been slutting it up big time. I've slept with God knows how many men, so clearly I'm not put off by the idea of having sex."
Jonas frowned a bit. "Yes, I understand that. But with those men...you weren't committing anything. It was just empty sex so that you could forget for awhile what had happened to you. With us it would be much more. We'd be making love, and when you do that you grow closer than ever to each other. I'm just worried that you might find that closeness too much to bear, because it's never easy to let someone into yourself - especially after you've been traumatized by someone that you thought you loved."
His serious words made Julian grimace. "You're far too good at hitting the nail on the head, aren't you?" he told Jonas. "But then, I knew that from the first day. Listen, if I can handle being gang raped by my lousy ex-boyfriend and his skeevy pals, then I think that I can handle being with the person that I love more than anything. And doing this with you..." he began soberly, looking Jonas straight in the eye, "Would help those memories fade a little for me. So maybe you should just consider this as another part of my therapy?"
Jonas bit back a laugh. "I'm not a sex therapist, but..." he began with a crooked smile. "I'm always up for helping the person that I love in any way that I can."
Julian looked satisfied as he began to walk toward Jonas. "Good. Should we begin our therapy session now?" he asked in a sultry tone of voice.
Jonas felt his breath catch. Then Julian was sliding into his arms, and he felt so right there that he couldn't object in any way. Their mouths met in a long kiss, and Jonas found his hand lifting almost of its own volition to stroke the back of Julian's neck tenderly. The younger man was moaning softly, pressing himself against Jonas' body. They were almost of the same height, so they fit together easily. When their lips finally parted, he looked into Julian's sparkling eyes. "You sure can kiss, Jonas," he remarked.
He smiled slightly. "I had a lot of practice with Chris," he explained. "He loved to kiss."
"So do I," Julian bussed the end of his rather prominent nose, making him laugh a little.
Jonas looked around the kitchen. "Maybe we should go into the bedroom," he began.
Julian chuckled. "Okay. But someday soon, I want you and me to do it while leaning over the breakfast bar. Or maybe on the table," he said with a wicked light in his eyes.
Jonas' breath caught at the images his words conjured up. Julian caught up his hand and squeezed it. "Show me your bedroom," he told Jonas.
For some inexplicable reason, Jonas felt rather nervous when he led Julian into his bedroom. But the younger man clearly felt no such hesitancy, because he began to unbutton Jonas's shirt. He bared the therapist's chest and stomach, his eyes roving over the pale skin lightly furred with black hair leading in a trail down toward the waistband of his pants. He ran his fingers through the hair, which made Jonas' stomach shiver and tense a little. "I like this," Julian remarked. "A lot of guys don't like hair on their men, but to me a guy with no body hair isn't a man at all. Hmm, and it leads down to really nice places..." he added as his fingers began to worm under the waistband of the pants.
Jonas groaned as fingers found him and lightly stroked over him in the confined space under the pants. Julian's aggressiveness rather took him aback, but it didn't displease him at all. Still...he reached down to extract Julian's fingers for the moment. "I want to undress you too," he explained when Julian gave him a questioning look.
Julian nodded and stood still. Reverently, Jonas reached out and began to slide the short-sleeved shirt up Julian's body. The chest and stomach revealed weren't half as hairy as his torso was, and since the hair was lighter it didn't look as though Julian had much body hair at all. He contrasted the golden skin with his own pale tones, liking the contrast. Two dark-pink nipples practically begged him to lick and suck on them, and he pulled the shirt off and tossed it onto a chair nearby quickly.
Julian moaned a bit as long fingers began to undo the snap and zipper on the jeans he was wearing. Jonas took his time, not to tease Julian but because he enjoyed this ritual almost as much as what came after it. He loved to see new parts of Julian's body appear before his eyes, so he tugged the jeans down slowly. He saw the beginning of a froth of wheat-colored pubic hair, and his breath caught as he pulled the jeans down Julian's hips(along with his underwear) to reveal a nicely-shaped cock twitching rigidly between the younger man's thighs. Jonas knelt down and tugged the jeans down to the ground, and Julian stepped out of them.
Since he was already down there, Jonas turned his attention to the excited erection that Julian was sporting. He just looked at it for a moment, making Julian draw in a sharp breath and beg: "Jonas..." in a desperate voice.
Jonas reached out and curled his fingers around the elegant cock, hearing Julian gasp above his head. He extended his tongue to lick at the weeping tip of it, gathering up the precum. A low sound and fingers gripped at the top of his head almost painfully. He swirled his tongue around the slick head, then opened his mouth to take in more of it. Julian cried out as Jonas' hands cradled his hips to hold him in place as he began to suck.
"Jonas...oh, God..." Julian moaned. Jonas used his tongue to twine around the shaft of the cock in his mouth like a snake. He was thoroughly enjoying himself.
Julian began to rock his hips against Jonas' grip. He didn't mind; he let the cock push further down his throat, swallowing to overcome his gag reflex and breathing through his nose. He looked up into Julian's face as the younger man shuddered and panted for breath. The rosy flush on his cheeks entranced Jonas.
Julian bucked hard. "I'm coming!" he cried, and then Jonas got a salty-sweet spurt of liquid on his tongue, which he was happy to swallow. Julian slumped, breathing hard.
Jonas rose to his feet. He took off his pants and underwear, folding them and laying them next to Julian's shirt and jeans on the chair. By the time that he returned, Julian had recovered enough to smile at him. "That was great," he said. "Thanks."
Before Jonas could reply, Julian hungrily kissed him. Their bare skin slid together sensually, the hair on his chest stimulating Julian's skin. Jonas' hands settled on the younger man's lower back, cradling him as they made out. His erect cock rubbed against Julian's thighs. "I love you, Jonas," Julian said when they parted once more for air.
His hands reached up to cradle Julian's face. "And I love you, Julian. So much," he kissed his new lover's forehead and then his cheeks. Julian's eyes were bright with moisture when he finally pulled back.
"I never thought that something like this would happen to me," he said hoarsely. "That anyone would ever love me. After...everything that happened...I didn't think that I was worth loving."
"Of course you are. You're very special," Jonas told him gravely. "You're strong. You survived something horrific, something that would have broken a lot of people. And yet you didn't let it stop you from giving your heart to me, even though you might have been totally wary and mistrustful after your last boyfriend betrayed you. That takes courage. You're amazing, Julian."
"You make me feel amazing," Julian replied with a tremulous smile."And special, and all of those other things."
"I'm glad," Jonas said simply. "Because you are all of those things and more."
After that they ended up on the bed together, their mouths and hands making forays everywhere. They took their time, even though Jonas was all worked up. He wanted this to be for Julian more than anything else, to make his new lover feel as special as he was. He kissed and caressed every part of Julian that he could reach, taking pleasure in detailing that lovely golden skin as Julian tongued at his nipples like a kitten. It was a space out of time, and somewhere in the middle they ended up sixty-nining each other. He sucked hungrily at Julian's renewed cock, even as a warm mouth took him in with great skill and made him shiver with pleasure.
Jonas' fingers slid over the mounds of Julian's ass and found the puckered hole there. He was saddened to feel that the ring was deformed and thickened in places, most likely from the brutal assault. The rapists had used no lube, and Julian had said that he'd torn inside. He almost wanted to cry as his fingertips slid over it, even as his mouth continued to slide up and down Julian's cock.
He pulled away from Julian's erection. "Lay on your back," he told the younger man, who looked at him questioningly.
Julian did as he asked, lying on his back on the bed. Jonas took a deep breath, then moved between his thighs and spread them. "I can't take back what they did to you," he said softly, "Much as I wish to. But I CAN kiss it and make it better," he added on a more humorous note.
Julian started to ask him what he meant, but he lost his voice when Julian slid onto his stomach, spread his ass cheeks, and began to lick at that most secretive, intimate part of him. He shuddered, crying out, as Jonas' tongue lapped at him in long strokes. He'd been rimmed by other lovers, of course; but having Jonas do it made it feel better than all of those other times combined. Jonas licked at him with a tender, loving intensity that made him feel like his head was going to explode. Tears ran down his cheeks as he arched into those wonderful caresses, and gentle fingers probed him at the same time. Here, now, Julian Archer felt as though he could forget the horrors that had happened to him. Maybe not forever, but at least for this moment when he was with the man he loved...
"Jonas," he husked. "Please. I want you inside of me. Now," and he tugged at the black curls imperiously.
Jonas lifted his head. "Are you sure?" he asked quietly.
Julian nodded. "Yes, I am. Make love to me, Jonas."
His request made Jonas tear up a bit, too. He diverted briefly to get the things that they needed out of the drawer that he'd put them away in after Chris died. He returned with the bottle of lube and a condom package in his hands. The condoms had been a gag gift from their friends for Christmas two years ago; they glowed in the dark and had smiley faces on them. But they were all he had, since Chris and he hadn't needed to use condoms. But they'd do just the same, and he didn't want to have to go to a drug store to get more that weren't so ridiculous looking.
Julian's brows shot up when Jonas opened the condom package and he saw that it was bright lime green and had a smiley face on the end. Jonas shrugged helplessly. "They were a silly Christmas gift," he explained ruefully, "But they're real condoms, and I don't have any others."
Julian giggled. "Those'll do," he said. "But you know what? They should say `thank you, come again' on them."
Jonas burst out laughing, and Julian began to giggle as well. "Oh, God," he gasped. He clutched at his ribs. "That was terrible."
Julian grinned. "Hey, you have to have some fun, right?" he said.
"That's true," he agreed, finally recovering. "Well, let me put this lime green horror on," he added, slipping it on over his penis. Julian's face was a picture as he fought not to laugh again.
Jonas shrugged and applied lube to the bright green surface of the condom. Julian sat up and wriggled closer to him. He spread his legs and draped them over Jonas's thighs. "There we are," he said. "Are you ready, bombardier?"
Jonas shook his head, his eyes twinkling. He reached down and guided himself to Julian's entrance. "Fire one," he murmured, making Julian huff with laughter as he began to push inside. But then he stopped, and it turned into a gasp of pleasure as Jonas slid smoothly into him.
"Oh, yeah," Julian moaned. "That's good. Right there."
Jonas sat up and put his arms on either side of Julian's body so that he could thrust. Julian's head went back, and he kissed his lover's neck as he began a slow, easy movement. Julian began to jink his hips, and they found a rhythm that they both liked. Julian nipped at his shoulder lightly. "That feels so good, Jonas," he moaned.
It felt really good to him as well. He bent his head and began to suck on one of Julian's nipples as he thrust, and the younger man cried out and arched his back. This was so perfect, so good...it felt like they'd been lovers for years, instead of two people making love for the very first time together. They rocked in unison, both of them moaning out their pleasure, for what seemed like forever. Finally, though, even such a very good thing had to come to an end. Julian shuddered, crying out; and his semen jetted out of him and fell on his and Jonas' stomachs in long streaks. The sight as well as the feel of him coming set Jonas off as well, and he pushed in deeply one last time as he filled the stupid lime green condom in a rush of semen.
They stilled, both panting and sweat soaked. Julian gasped: "That was...I've never felt anything like that before."
"That's what it's like when you really love each other," Jonas told him. "Chris and I were like this too. Its way more than just sex. Its true connection. I like to think of it as the coming together of two souls, not just two bodies."
"I like that," Julian replied. "So do you think that our...souls...can come together again sometime soon?"
Jonas laughed softly. "I don't see why not," he replied.
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