Title: possession Chapter 1: always on my mind
Disclaimer: this is not meant to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of *nsync. it's just for fun. :)
well, hello again. it's liliana mae of "my heart is in your hands" and "right where you belong." this time i'm working with first person-- stepping into the twisting mind of chris kirkpatrick. my hope is that, as you read his narrative, you feel like you're getting into his head with me. let me know if I achieved my goal... my email address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com.
while all my other titles have come from *nsync songs, the title of this story comes from the sarah mclachlan song of the same name. god, i love that song. sarah's a goddess. :)
anyway, on you go... --lili
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I'll never forget the way he smiled at me that day. And it wasn't the way he smiled at the others. It was a special smile, just for me. And he looked so deeply into me, I felt in burning into my skin and through my heart. I just wanted to grab him, push him down to the ground and kiss him, hard and fast. I wanted to pull him into me, holding those tight curls in my fists and caressing that smooth skin. I remember thinking to myself: "Justin will be mine. Oh, yes. He will be mine."
I had no idea what the next few months would bring.
The next day held lots of exciting moments for me. We were rehearsing the song "You Got It" and I was lucky enough to sit opposite him. I watched the way he licked his lips before starting-- that warm tongue seemed so soft and sticky. Then we started the song and it was like he was singing it all to me. He kept looking at me, then closing his eyes tightly, so caught up in the music. I imagined holding his face in my hands and he spoke the lyrics of the song. I was studying his face so closely, studying those deep blue eyes. I could get lost in those eyes. Even though I wasn't concentrating, I'm sure I did an incredible job with the song. It embodied everything I felt about that beautiful boy in front of me. you're in my dreams at night... you're always on my mind... i'll do whatever it takes...
"Guys, we sound great!" JC's voice startled me out of my reverie. Justin turned his attention away from me, causing me to burn with envy.
"Yeah, I think we got it!" God, when will Lance stop with these lame jokes? I never liked that boy. That annoying little "innocence" about him-- it just made me want to smack him. Of course, I would never do such a thing. I had to keep up my mask. I had to smile and laugh off the pain of existence, day after day.
"Hey, let's celebrate! How about some ice cream?" Joey always knew how to turn everything we did to food eventually. I always felt like I could trust him. He just had such kind eyes.
"Great idea!" Ah, Justin's sweet voice echoed in my ears. I loved to hear him speak, no matter what the words were. I used to listen so intently to him, memorizing every little speech pattern until I could recreate the scenes perfectly in my mind. After I mastered that, I began creating new scenes, scenes from my dreams. I could hear him telling me he felt the same way about me, telling me he needed me. I would sit alone for hours, picturing him running his hands through my hair, massaging my back, telling me to lead as he followed. I just wanted a few moments alone with him. I just wanted him.
I tried not to allow the others to notice how closely I was watching Justin lick his ice cream cone. I just couldn't look away. That tongue delving in and out of the cold mound of chocolate, twisting and flicking against it. Again and again. I was mesmerized.
"Yo, I cannot WAIT 'til we get to New York at the end of this week. There is going to be plenty of partying to be had!" JC sounded so excited. We were scheduled to have a photo shoot there in the city at the end of the week, and the guys had already located all the clubs within a 50 mile radius.
"Oh, it's gonna be sweet," Justin said almost too eagerly. I didn't want him to go with them. I watched how they manipulated him, I knew how they always made him do as they did. If only I had that power over him... I knew if he went, he'd meet some girl. God, the idea of it made me sick. To think of another being touching him, kissing him... My heart sank. But of course, I had to agree and put on a happy face. I was just so tired of not being myself. I was so tired of the person I was forced to be. I just wanted someone who saw me. The real me.
That night we had to sleep on the bus. We were supposed to perform at a small venue in a mall the next morning, so we were forced to travel all night. It was 3am. I know, because I was lying awake for hours, waiting for everyone to fall asleep. I'd been staring out the window into the black sky. The stars could have swallowed me, swarming like a fleet of stallions across the dark night. I wondered... if I had been engulfed by them, would I be missed?
As soon as I heard nothing but the soft hum of the motor and Joey's peaceful snore, I slowly crept out of my bunk over to the sacred spot where Justin lay his head. I knelt near him, watching him sleep. I felt such a yearning, such an immense desire. He looked like an angel. I matched my breathing to his, slow and deep. The blue moonlight reflected off his perfect skin. I wanted to spend forever in that moment, the two of us as near as lovers would be. I wanted to kiss him, feel his lips against mine. I wanted to lay next to him. I moved in closer and breathed the hot breath from his slightly opened mouth. I didn't want the morning to come. I didn't want to face hiding behind that mask again, I didn't want to be alone in my agony another day. I was tired of solitude being my only companion in life. But I suppose every moment must eventually come to an end.
I just wanted to tell someone. I wanted to tell someone everything. The misery of keeping it hidden deep within me was too much to bear. I always felt like I could trust Joey. I guess sometimes I'm wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ thanks so much for reading. i'm dying to know what you think... my address is thereisnoturningback@yahoo.com :)