This is a true story about men loving men. It is the story of my life. If this offends you, first grow-up, or secondly....go away. But if you want to find the secret to a lasting love, read on.
Chapter two " Lumber and ... Secrets"
John, had reserved our room at the Plaza the day before we were going to meet for the first time face to face. John would prove to be one of the most thoughtful men that Mark had ever encountered in his life. It was a restless night for Mark as he contemplated meeting this man for the first time. Excited .......... scared .......... intrigued ............. these were all proper feelings when compared to the lonely years Mark had endured, trying to get through the grieving process of Daniel's death. All Alone. There was no one that Mark could share those real feelings with.
No one. The community and even the people of the church knew that Mark and Daniel were close ...... and yet had no clue of the depth of the love the two men shared. John had made Mark to feel that there was a promise of a new day ahead in his life.
John's voice was a welcome sound for Mark to hear on the phone. Deep, rich, soothing sexy voice. Mark could find something special about most men, but if the voice wasn't masculine .... well he would just politely move on.
Through emails Mark had swapped pictures with John, and was amazed when he saw the vision of this perfect looking younger man. His handsome rugged looks, short trimmed beard, his beautiful chest and body, dark hair, everywhere! But Mark was mostly captured by his eyes. Beautiful eyes. They were kind and mysterious. Kind, caring, sexy eyes, are a trait that had to be present for Mark to give a second look. Mark, now a fifty one year old man, and a Grandfather, was really amazed to think that a man, twelve years younger, could possibly be interested in him. Mark was a little bit overweight and his hair now is mostly gray . His six foot frame helped to distribute his weight evenly, ...except for his belly was just a bit larger than Mark wanted. For some unknown reason, John had trusted Mark. John had known his share of joy and sorrow in his life as well. He was proving to himself and to Mark, that love was still worth risks.
Through the phone conversations and emails, Mark had confided in John about his past. His past love. The two men swapped stories about their lives and the sharing made both men come to know the other better.
Mark was really surprised when John recognized that he was still morning the loss of Daniel. Mark then knew he had found a real caring man. Where would it lead? Who knows, but a man can never have enough caring friends.
Once when Mark had met a fella named Rick, for a first meeting, and the subject of past people in their lives had come up, when Mark told him about Daniel , Rick just shut down all emotions and told him that he was not about to compete with a dead man, and walked away. Good riddance.
John understood the many reasons that Mark and Daniel had faced to keep their relationship private. He was no stranger to the secret love that men sometimes had to keep bottled up inside themselves. There was no way for Mark to tell anyone about how he really felt about Daniel. How could he possibly share that with anyone in the world he was living in. He would be banished from the small southern town and made the butt of all the good ole boy's jokes. Daniel would have had to endure the same... if not even more. Mark would take the all blame and walk away if necessary to protect Daniel. Two married men, with families, and in love with each other, one the pastor, the other the music minister. It was a combination that would rattle the west Georgia hills if ......... they only knew.
"It's gonna be a hot one" Daniel spoke as he approached Mark at the drive-up fast food hamburger stand.
The girl in the order window took their orders for lunch and without missing a beat, Daniel slipped her the money for their lunch before Mark could even put his hand on his pocket.
Daniel was dressed in his usual dress shirt, tie, dress pants and of coarse, accompanied with that glorious, faint smell of cologne. Mark looked at this man and thought to himself.....this man has no idea how incredibly good looking he is. It was quite amazing the admiration that the people of this entire town showed toward this man. Everybody loved him. He acted as if it was his honor to be known by so many. I guess that is what made him the man he is.......................was.
..........I hate that word "was". It sounds so final. He was.... It was..... It sounds like something is gone forever.It leaves an empty, lonely place in my heart.
......... Past tense of "is" ......... it really pisses me off .
"I really appreciate you coming to meet me for lunch . I have to tell you, the veterans celebration was amazing ........ thanks man for all your help. I owe you big time..... all that you did in such a short time ... kinda blew me away.
It was the best turn out we have ever had for the parade and it seemed that everyone stayed for the dedication of the memorial park. I just want you to know that I really appreciate you. "
" You know I still want you to come to work with me .. I have had nothing but peace in my soul since I asked you to consider coming to serve with me and the church. I just know in my heart, your gonna to say yes".
"I will if you will", Mark joked ........ knowing that their thoughts were NOT on the same page.
Mark had been doing nothing but thinking about all the reasons he should just walk away from this offer ..... but the way that Daniel kept being just the man he was...... was making this decision a little harder to walk away from. Every day, at one time or another, Daniel would enter his mind ...... and every time, it made Mark smile. Mark felt that at times he was nine years old and acting like a little boy starring at a brand new bicycle....a good looking, perfectly loaded, fresh smelling, comfortable bicycle. A real friend.
"Hmmm .. And what did you mean by that?" Daniel smiled and looked just a bit puzzled.
"We'll get to that later .."
".Daniel, I've been doing some serious thinking. If you really want me to come serve with you at your church, .. well, I just am gonna have to lay myself out there first. I'm afraid you might change your mind when I share with you the real me. If you change your mind, I understand. I've lived a complicated life for a large portion of my life, and honestly, it's been tough and exhausting. You just need to be aware of what your getting into. I am a mess"
The girl in the window called our number, Daniel picked up the tray of food and drinks, nodded at Mark with a kind smile, and led the way to a table in the shade, on the edge of the outdoor dining area and said, "Let's just sit and talk for a while buddy."
The men sat down with their hamburgers, fries and milkshakes under the umbrella covered table near the old oak tree. Since Daniel was the pastor of the local First Baptist church, everyone that passed by the men felt that it was their duty to speak to him. Daniel handled the interruptions with grace and treated every person with respect and sometimes a bit of humor.
"Mark ......... I don't know what you are about to share with me, you need to understand your safe with me, what you tell me will forever be between me and you ...... forever... just know that there is nothing you could tell me that we can't work through."
"You might want to hold onto that statement for a while until I get finished with what I need to tell you. I am honored ......... flattered ...... challenged..... that you are offering me this position to come and work with you. I love church music. I miss being in the middle of all that goes into the planning and teaching simple people to sing from grateful hearts. I thought that when we met to plan the Veteran's celebration, that I really could see us becoming great friends ....... but I have to be honest with you. I have some stuff in my past that might come back to haunt me ... and if it does, I don't want you to be hurt. "
" Oh ..... , Daniel paused weighing the words Mark had just spoken to him carefully, "but before you say anything .......you are aware that none of us perfect. Not a one. I know that, God knows that, it is pretty much our mission at First Baptist to remind men and women everywhere that no one is perfect, and we all need a second, chance, so if you want to tell me anything, ..... go ahead. Unload buddy. What do you need to get off your chest?"
"Years ago .......... I was involved in an affair that really messed me up. The part you might really have a problem with is that it was a same sex affair. I was busy working in a church - with all the responsibilities that go with my work, - kinda burned out if you know what I mean.
A friendship of mine took a very unexpected turn and he and I had a sexual affair that lasted about three years. I knew what I was doing. I wanted it. I never thought a man could love another man like that. It did not end well. He ended up wanting more than I could give him and when I refused, and I ended the relationship, he went crazy. He went home, confessed all that he and I had ever done to his wife, then they called my wife and asked her to meet them. I can not tell you what it was like for the next few years, trying to get my life back together. I know that it was all my fault. I am a married man .... with a mortgage, kids, and the whole father thing... and many people judge me saying that I should just be 'who God created me to be'. Life has never been that simple for me. I mean there are so many people that my life affects. I am complicated to put it mildly, ....... life for me is a .... challenge. My feelings for men are just as real today as the love for my children . And throw in the love I have for music in the church....my wife........ are you sure you want to get into this endless train wreck of a life!".
Daniel listened intently to Mark as he poured out the details of his life history.
"I had no Idea the complications that make up your life buddy, and I'm sure that there must have been difficult days for you. Life is never easy. We all have weaknesses, but they are not what define us, they are what makes us the people we are. We all have things in our past that we would just as soon forget. But you need to know, It doesn't change my opinion about you. Your still the same caring, talented man that I expected you to be, and now I feel that you trusted me enough to share some of your hurts with me, makes me admire you even more. I am so sorry you have had to deal with all that pain in your past."
Mark just sat there ... looking down at the table .... wondering what he would hear next from this man ... when he continued to tell him about himself.
After a couple of deep breaths, Mark decided to just get it all out there ...."You might want to kinda hang on to your thoughts about me for a few more minutes, I'm not through."
"Tell me anything you want Mark, ......... I can assure you, It won't change my opinion of you."
"Ok mister .....here it is,....... I've been having some pretty vivid thoughts about you and me" Mark said without ever looking up from the table. "I'm not sure you would want to know all the things that I have been thinking about you. Daniel, every time I see you...... I just about loose my breath. I continually undress you in my mind and these are just the parts I have enough courage to tell you. I don't know why I have all these feelings and thoughts about you. I just don't want to be in another dead end, one-sided friendship, relationship, career or any of that stuff again . You say you need me? Well, I need someone too!"
"Mark ......... please look at me?"
Mark finally looked up to see Daniel looking at him. There was a tear that ran down one side of Daniel's face as he continue to talk to Mark.
"I have never been where you are ......... but I can't say that some of the same thoughts have never entered my mind. The older I get, the more I am convinced that we don't really get to choose who or how we love anybody. All that you have shared with me about you loving a man doesn't scare me....at all, .... all I know about you,, what you have told me and what I've observed in your interaction with others, tells me that we could become the best of friends and maybe even more ... if only you would just .... relax .... stop beating yourself up so much, and just see what the future has for you..... and maybe even for us. Life as a pastor is very lonely. Your not the only man with a thought life you know! I could really use a good man like you working along side me .... and be my friend."
"Your serious? even after hearing all my junk?"
"Very serious, ........ I need you. I like you a lot. I will protect you. Just don't show up waving a rainbow flag at choir rehearsals. ........ ah, sorry, That didn't come out as I had planned .... but do you understand? "
Mark chuckled at Daniel's statement, "I think I do"
"I understand your need for a man in your life. We all long for a close relationship with someone we respect and trust. It's a priceless gift to find a friend that you trust with the real person inside yourself..... I'm not asking you to change who you are. I feel you need me as much as I need you ,so ... will you give it a try? Will you just relax and let's see how this all works out?"
"This is really not how I expected you to react to me and all my mess. I have discussed the possibility of coming here with my wife, and she just can't say enough nice things about you and your family. So, Ok ... I will give this my best effort. When should I plan to to start?"
"As far as I'm concerned ....... you started yesterday. Can we eat now .......... I'm starved!"
Daniel had succeeded in breaking through to Mark. Mark thought that Daniel was the kindest man he had ever met...... and almost felt guilty for all the fantasies he had had about this good smelling, dark haired, all slim and sexy preacher man. ........that is almost.
" We bought a cabin in the mountains a few months ago. I'm going up there this coming Monday to take a load of lumber . I've been building some decks and doing a few improvements, .......... I've been thinking ...would you be interested in going up there with me? We bought this place, it's on a mountainside lot, you can see forever there. It's secluded from the world. I really like it there. We hope to someday retire and live there. My wife sometimes goes with me, but mostly I go alone... I just rest, study, and work some while I'm there ........ would you like to go with me? "
Mark looked at Daniel and wondered if what he just heard was really real. "I'll have to check and see if I can get away,... I could use a break myself."
" I think I just became your boss ....... and it looks like your free for a few days ."
Daniel looked me right in the eye and winked and then smiled.
I looked at Daniel and said, "And I thought YOU would be the one that would be scared!."
Daniel was finishing up his fries. He reached over and dipped the last one in my puddle of ketchup and said, "Mark you have no reason to be afraid of me" ............then with an unforgettable, self confident expression on his face, he looked into my eyes said, "... it's just a load of lumber!" Daniel, still smiling like he had just won a million dollars, reached over and placed his warm hand on mine for a second, then moved it back to his side of the table and winked again. "Eat your lunch buddy, you 're gonna need the energy."
I just about wet my pants.
This man is flirting with me ........ and I'm blushing! Who does he think he is? .... I am the king of flirting! ... I might have just met my match ....load of lumber? ...... what was that all about? From a deep place in my soul, I smiled on the inside.
( Authors note: Can I just tell you how confused, intimidated, excited, and completely tripped out that little scene made me? All that talk about lumber .... wood .... the winking .... the smiles .... You know there some moments in this life that you just know that you are going to remember for the rest of your life. Not necessarily the big stuff, but little meaningful things that just make you feel like a king. When Daniel looked at me and winked and smiled, I knew it was one of those moments. When this happens in your life ........... hold onto them. Store them with great care and affection in your mind. You're going to need them some day to help you get through times of pain and hurt. They really help. the one thing that we can count on in this world is that nothing ever stays the same. The author of this story knows this to be true. )
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