Disclaimer: I do not know *N Sync or their sexual preferences. None of this is real, it's just fiction. If you are underage or it is illegal to read about male/male relationships where you live please leave.
Hey all! Not a lot to say except this chapter reveals a lot about why Lance did what he did and why he ended up the way he did. Thanks to everyone that's sent me feedback and it you want to check out the pretty version of the chapter, it's up on my site. (http://angelfire.com/boybands/ nsajscgirl) Another thing is that I'm working on moving my site because of the whole Tripod/ Angelfire thing, so I'll post the new URL on my site soon and here when I update POL again. Thanks goes out to Cele for beta-ing! :)
Previously on Prisoner of Love:
"Did you believe the prosecution? Did you believe the evidence they used against me? Did you really turn your back on me because you thought I did it?" With each question JC's voice rose in anger. He whirled around to face Lance, whose stricken expression gave JC no little amount of satisfaction. His blue eyes were dark with anger and his cheeks were molted red and white and tear stained. The flesh surrounding his left eye were Lance had elbowed him was puffy.
"I...I don't know...I just..." Lance stammered as he was faced with JC's anger.
"You just what, Lance? Why didn't you believe in me? In your best friend? Why?!" JC demanded, his eyes filling will tears once again. Lance closed his eyes to JC's anger and took a deep breath, steeling himself to tell JC the truth. The truth about why he turned his back on his best friend.
Prisoner of Love Chapter 9
"Why did you turn away from me?" JC asked again. This time his smooth voice broke over 'away' and he slumped against the piano. Lance walked into the kitchen quickly and returned with a wet washcloth in his hand. He lowered himself to one knee slightly behind JC and placed his free hand on JC's arm. He felt JC's muscles tense beneath his skin at the touch, but the older man turned slightly to look down at him, his eyes questioning. Lance gently reached up with the wet towel and wiped at the tear streaks that marred JC's chiseled cheeks. He had to tell JC everything now.
"JC, there are things I've never told you. I was keeping something from you while we were best friends. I want to tell you now. I think it might help explain..." Lance trailed off as he continued to stare up at JC's expressionless eyes. Lance cleared his throat and stood up before handing JC the washcloth. He moved away from JC and sat in one of the large, overstuffed chairs nearby. JC clutched the cloth in his hands tightly, suddenly aware of the fact that he was only wearing his boxers. He looked down at the floor and studied the pattern of the hard wood. Lance painstakingly picked at the seam on the left arm of the leather chair and silence filled the room.
"It's a long story...I don't really know where to begin..." Lance said suddenly and trailed off again when JC looked up at him.
"From the beginning," JC offered helpfully as he stared at Lance. The younger man nodded and took a deep breath.
"I had a lover," he stated, and JC felt his heart squeeze painfully. As far as he'd known, Lance had never had a lover. He knew that Lance had kissed a boy, Jason, when he was in tenth grade before joining *N Sync. They'd talked about that during one of their late night talking sessions, but JC thought that Lance had sworn off getting involved with another guy while he was a part of the group. Evidently he'd been wrong.
"A lover," JC repeated dully. "Anyone I knew?"
"Yeah." JC expected Lance to continue, but when he didn't, JC tried to figure out who it was. He gave up as his list grew and he prompted Lance to explain further.
"Well, are you going to tell me who?" Lance stared at JC for a moment before speaking.
"Doug Exbury."
"Doug? OH, Doug..." Lance nodded and JC looked away from him. "God..." JC breathed. "Jesus, Lance...he's like thirty-five! And he worked with us! What were you thinking? Why didn't you tell me?!" he demanded.
"Probably because of the way you're yelling at me right now." JC's eyes grew wide and he took a deep breath.
"I wasn't yelling."
"Yes, you were." The men stared at each other silently before Lance spoke again.
"There were a lot of reasons why I didn't tell you, JC. One of which is the way you just reacted. I...I thought you'd be disappointed in me. I thought you'd disagree with my choice of a lover and I didn't want to cause problems between us," Lance said softly as he lowered his gaze from JC's. "And there was other stuff, too. Doug didn't want me to tell anyone...I'm not really sure why. I just went along with that because I didn't want anyone to know either. I knew it wasn't really a healthy relationship, but I didn't plan on it going anywhere or anything. I mean, we were using each other just for sex...that was it. Of course, I was kind of overwhelmed by the whole thing and sometimes I'd let him...you know...um, have sex with me even if I didn't want to." JC stiffened at that and looked straight at Lance. His grip tightened roughly on the washcloth that he had been twisting between his fingers.
"Did he rape you?" Lance blushed and looked away from JC.
"No. No, he didn't...I just meant that I'd let him even when I wasn't really in the mood. Anyway...that doesn't matter now."
"That sounds a lot like rape to me, Lance," JC said as he clenched his teeth together.
"JC..."
"So, you pulled away from everyone because you had a lover and no one noticed?" JC interrupted because he wanted to change the subject. He could almost understand Lance's betrayal then. He could almost forgive Lance for turning away from them because they didn't noticed something as important as Lance's new lover. Almost.
"No. Well, not really. Maybe that was a part of it. No one noticed, JC, not even you. You were supposed to be my best friend and you didn't notice. You didn't notice that I snuck out of my hotel room at night and returned a few hours later. You didn't notice that my clothes were all rumpled and that I smelled of sweat and...and sex. You didn't notice when you came over to my room for breakfast that my sheets were all dirty and that my shower had just been used, even though I never took a shower before breakfast. You didn't notice when I started pulling away, JC." By the time Lance had finished, he was pacing in front of the circular fireplace. He stopped suddenly when he was done talking to look at JC and was surprised to find that the older man wasn't even watching him. He was turned away from Lance, facing the piano again, only this time he was staring out the window, his jaw clenched tightly.
"I should have noticed," he gritted out.
"It doesn't matter now, JC."
"No, it does. I..."
"NO, JC," Lance insisted. He knew there was no point arguing about something that had happened in the past that neither he nor JC could do anything about. "It doesn't matter. It's in the past and I know that you probably had no idea. Back then you were very...self- centered...self-involved. That's not a bad thing, it was just...just a part of who you were. It doesn't matter anymore." He hesitated before speaking again. "Part of it, too, was...I was falling in love with you. I pulled away from you because I was falling in love with you. In the process of pulling away from you, I pulled away from everyone else." JC was now more confused than ever and it took him a moment to articulate his thoughts. The words 'falling in love with you' bounced around inside of his head, shocking him into momentary silence.
"Um..." he mumbled, completely aware of the fact that Lance was watching him in the window's reflection. He felt curiously hot, like he was burning with fever and had no clue what to say.
"Yeah, um..." Lance mimicked almost bitterly. "The only reason I slept with Doug in the first place was because I was trying to stop thinking about you. I thought that if I were actually with someone, I wouldn't be having these fantasies about my best friend. It didn't work, though. You were what I thought of when Doug was fucking me." JC cringed at Lance's words, his heart beating out a dull rhythm. "I'm pretty sure Doug knew, too. There's no doubt in my mind that I said your name a few times during sex. He never seemed too upset about it, though, which was kind of surprising," Lance mused.
"You should have told me," JC said, and Lance looked over his shoulder at him in disbelief.
"I should have to told you I was in love with you?" His laugh came out sounding like a sob. "Yeah, right. You were with Meredith, remember? You're straight and you were my best friend. There was no fucking way I was telling you." Lance returned his gaze to the window. He peered into the swamp surrounding the cabin. To him, the world outside looked dead. The black water seemed to stand still, although he knew that it emptied out into the Atlantic Ocean. Tree limbs hung nakedly over the stagnant water, giving the scenery an eerie feel. "No fucking way," he repeated, almost to himself. His eyes burned with unshed tears.
That time had been so lonely for him, almost worse than the loneliness of the past year. Despite the fact that fans, friends, and family had surrounded him, Lance felt ignored. A part of the reason that he allowed his relationship with Doug to continue was because he craved the attention the older man spared him...even if it was only during sex. It didn't help that he knew he shouldn't be having romantic feelings towards JC. He remembered watching JC constantly...longingly, just waiting for a simple smile or wink like a lovesick fool. Lance hated seeing JC and Meredith together. They were such a beautiful pair, thin and tall with their angular features and dark hair. Lance wanted to tell JC about his feelings with all of his heart, but he also knew that he couldn't live without JC in his life if something went wrong. There was no doubt in Lance's mind that the loneliness would have magnified itself a billion times if JC had rejected him.
"You still should've told me, Lance," JC said, interrupting Lance's reverie. "I would've been shocked..." Lance smirked bitterly at his own reflection in the window but remained silent. He missed the frown JC directed towards his back. "I would have been shocked," JC continued, "but I...I don't know what I would have done, Lance. I would like to say that I would have just smiled and nodded, but I can't. I don't know what I would have done at the time, but...but..." JC emphasized vehemently, "...I would not have pushed you away. I know that much. I wouldn't have pushed you away. You should've told me instead of putting me through the hell that you did."
Lance nodded as he wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged himself tightly. He squeezed his eyes closed but couldn't stop the tears that seeped beneath the closed lids. Lance pressed his forehead to the smooth pane of glass in front of him.
"You're right," Lance whispered. JC had to strain to hear the rest of his words. "If I could, I would go back in time and change everything, but I can't, JC. I can't take anything back." JC shook his head.
"Fuck, Lance. You've got it all wrong. I don't want you to take it all back, although I'd be lying if I said that wouldn't be great," JC said in a chipper voice, adding a moment of levity to the situation. Lance couldn't stop the grin that curled his lips. "I just...just want you to apologize for not telling me. I think I understand now, Lance. I'm not saying that it makes perfect sense to me, but I think I understand...and I also understand that I owe you an apology as well."
"What?" Lance asked in surprise as he turned to look at JC. The older man looked at him with pained eyes.
"I had no clue. No clue. You're right, I was self-centered. I should've seen it...I should've noticed..." Lance shook his head and interrupted JC.
"No. Haven't we been over this already? It doesn't matter..."
"How the hell can you say that it doesn't matter now?" JC asked, frustration etched in his features. "It does matter. It would have changed everything. I wasn't there for you like I should've been. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you and that I didn't see what you were going through with Doug. I am sorry." Lance shook his head in amazement.
"You're incredible, you know that?" Lance asked rhetorically. JC grinned at him and shrugged his shoulders. JC's eyes widened when Lance stepped towards him. Lance's emerald eyes were solemn as he came to a stop in front of JC. As Lance's hand lifted and his slender fingers danced across the tender, bruised skin of JC's left eye, JC tensed beneath the touch. He closed his eyes and tried to relax.
"I'm sorry," Lance said softly as his thumb moved across JC's eyelid. JC nodded slightly and sighed. "About everything...not just the bruise. For not telling you about my feelings, for not telling you about Doug, for not standing up for you, for not..."
"I know, Lance. I know," JC said by way of accepting Lance's apology. Lance's fingers left his face and JC opened his eyes to stare up at the younger man.
"You're going to forgive me just like that?" Lance questioned, a hint of disbelief in his deep voice.
"Yeah," JC answered simply. Lance sank down beside him on the bench and wrapped his arms around JC's shoulders. JC slid his arms around Lance's waist and held on tightly. They sat that way in silence for several minutes, neither one willing to break the comfortable stillness of the moment. When Lance pulled away later, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He felt uncomfortable in the silence with JC staring at him and decided to cover it with inane conversation.
"The other guys hate me, you know? They probably always will. I don't blame them," he said with a little laugh.
"They don't hate you," JC replied as he scooted further down the piano bench, putting a little distance between them. "They don't. Or they won't once they know why you turned away from us...from me."
"I'm not going to tell them."
"Why not?" JC frowned.
"It's none of their business."
"Lance..." JC sighed.
"Forget about it. They can just go on hating me for all I care," Lance replied. He wanted to sound cold and angry, but he couldn't seem to manage either of those emotions at the moment. JC was looking at him skeptically.
"You don't mean that."
"I..." Lance started to protest when JC cut him off.
"You don't mean that," JC repeated. His lips curved into a knowing smile that captured Lance's attention. "You've built this cold wall around yourself so that they would leave you alone. You let them believe whatever they wanted so that you wouldn't have to see them every day, so that they couldn't thaw your heart towards me. You love them, Lance. And they love you, like I do. They'll forgive you like I have."
Lance's chin started to tremble and he looked away from JC quickly. JC knew him; he had seen right through him. Lance had never felt so vulnerable in his entire life...but it was a good feeling to know that someone now knew everything. Lance felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders now that JC knew the whole story.
"They will, I promise," JC said reassuringly as he pulled Lance into another hug. Lance clung to him, sobbing into his neck. "Shhh..." JC murmured, his hands rubbing small, comforting circles on Lance's back. Lance felt like he was letting go of all the pain and loneliness he had put himself through as he cried in JC's arms. He pulled away several minutes later, sniffling and wiping at his nose.
"I want to help you, Josh. I want to help you find the person that killed Meredith," Lance said softly, his voice and eyes pleading with JC as though he thought JC would refuse his help. JC nodded, his voice caught in his throat.
"Okay," he managed to say. JC paused for a moment to simply look at his friend.
"Hungry?" he asked with a quick grin. Lance blinked at him in confusion for a second before nodding, his stomach rumbled loudly causing both of them to smile. "Okay, well...I'm going to put some clothes on and I'll meet you in the kitchen, okay?" Lance resisted the urge to look over JC's well-toned body and simply nodded his agreement.
"Good...I'll be right back," JC said as he jumped up from the bench and headed towards the bedroom to wade through Justin's clothes. Lance cursed himself as he gave into the urge to watch JC's body while the older man's back was to him.
"I don't know where to start," JC said. He placed a plate of pancakes down on the table in front of Lance and returned to the stove. Lance mumbled his thanks and drizzled sweet syrup on his breakfast.
"Do you have any ideas who might have done it?" Lance asked before lifting his fork to his mouth. JC nodded and Lance raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yeah," JC nodded as he flipped a pancake expertly in the pan. "Yeah, I've got a list a million miles long. People I've known all my life, people I've met in passing, people I've never met. Like I said, I don't know where to start."
"Well, the most obvious place would be with all the people that were allowed on the set that day."
"That's nearly a hundred people."
"It's a start." JC nodded and filled his plate. He turned the burner off on the stove and moved back to the kitchen table, plate in hand. He sat across from Lance and noticed how the sunlight streamed through nearby windows, highlighting Lance's hair and giving the kitchen a warm glow. JC could almost pretend like it was the old days and that they were just two friends sharing breakfast before rehearsal. Lance's next words dashed that illusion. "I don't think we're going to be able to do this without help from the outside, Josh. I wonder if there would still be a list of everyone that was given a pass to the set that day," Lance mussed as he took another bite.
"I don't know...I don't even know how we'd get something like that, even if it did exist," JC replied, his fork tapping out a regular rhythm on the edge of his plate. Lance hesitated before speaking again.
"The guys would help us out; you know that, Josh."
"Yeah, I know that, but I don't want to involve them any more than I have to. I've already pulled Justin into this more than I ever wanted to by using his house, and I don't want to put him through any more."
"JC, what about Chris or Joe? They're older, they can take care of themselves..."
"No," JC shook his head. "They've got families...if the police knew they were helping me and I was caught, we'd all be sent to jail. I won't do that to them."
"JC..."
"No," JC interrupted forcefully, his fork clattering loudly against his plate of forgotten pancakes. Lance jumped slightly and looked away from JC. "Look, I'm sorry. We'll just have to find some other way," he said softly.
"There is no other way, Josh," Lance said with a sigh as he looked back at JC. "Without help from the outside to solve this thing, all we're doing is speculating and wasting time. The police could be on their way here right now for all we know." Lance paused, looking down at his plate and spreading the rest of his food around. "I understand the fact the you don't want to involve the guys...I admire you for that, but at the same time, Josh...you don't have a chance in hell of proving your innocence if you don't have help. You don't know where to start; you don't have a clue who might have actually shot Meredith. How did you really expect to find the real killer when you knew you would be stuck up here?" JC shrugged helplessly.
"I don't know!" he exclaimed. "I just wanted to get out of there so bad. That prison was killing me, Lance. Killing me inside. I would've gone crazy if I hadn't gotten out of there." Lance looked away from JC unable to stand the haunted pain he saw in JC's crystal eyes.
"I'm sorry," Lance said softly when he looked back up at the older man. JC had turned his head and was staring out the window. He nodded in reply. "Hey, why don't we just chill out for the next few hours, huh?" Lance asked suddenly, only wanted to rid JC of that hopeless look.
"You think there's a TV around here?" JC gave a little smile and nodded.
"This is Justin's house. What do you think?" he asked. JC led the way out of the kitchen into the living room. He flipped a switch on a nearby wall. A panel built into the opposite wall slid open to reveal a large screen TV.
"Sweet," Lance said as he and JC shared a smile. "I'll make you a deal," Lance started as he settled into an overstuffed chair. "We won't talk about anything dealing with why we are here for the rest of the day. We'll even avoid the news shows, but tomorrow we are going to have a serious discussion, okay?" JC hesitated for a moment.
"Okay," he agreed finally, almost relieved that he would be able to push reality away for a little while. He sat down near Lance and turned his attention the basketball game that flickered to life on the screen in front of him.