Programmed Emotions

Programmed Emotions Chapter 6

"How are you alive?" I ask.

I've been holding him for the past 5 minutes.  We've driven down the street.  His eyes may be wandering about looking for danger but his body holds me.  My father was never the kind of father not to show affection. Maybe that's why I feel so comfortable burying myself in his chest and allowing myself to become his little boy all over again.

"I saw the message on the inside that a firewall was going up to erase you and I couldn't let that happen.  I came to save you."

"No dad...that's not what I'm asking.  I'm asking how are you here...period.  How are you alive?"

"The system ages us.  It erases us.  It mimics the human experience," my father explains, "No human left is 100 percent human.  IT has made sure of that.  IT wants to use us.  IT wants to be God—-"

"Dad what's your point?"

"The accident you and I had was the AI's way of erasing me from my life and repurposing me for something else."

"IT faked your death?"

He nods, "Yes.  It needed my experience to build up the Programmer defenses.  The system has been reallocating all of it's resources to get rid of the Revolution malfunction threat.  For the most part if has succeeded.  Most of the threat has been wiped out.  Only a few pockets here and there now. What it didn't realize was that I was able to stay online while appearing to be offline."

"How?"

He shrugs, "I don't know...but if I had to guess, it was my love for you.  I think love is a glitch in the system that IT has never been able to fully control."

"Someone was helping us from the inside.  That's what Bronx said."

He nods, "Yes.  I've been helping the revolution as best as I can.  Every human is born with a pre programmed chip in their brain.  The chip sends electrical currents throughout their flesh.  Shows them false images. Tells them when to sleep.  When to eat.  When to get married.  When to die.   Every now and again there is a malfunction in that chip.   Bronx has been the face of the malfunctions.  Waking them up when he knows they are ready to know the truth.  But I am the silent partner he doesn't know about making sure his recruits malfunction on the backend."

"That's why you've been gone all these years?"

"You're upset with me?"

"You made me think you were dead," I state, "To fight a fucking war against an overpowered AI."

"We can't escape this war," he tells me, "I did what I could to protect you.  I upgraded your software during birth.  I made you an enhanced Program.   If you learn your mechanics right you could be a huge asset to the cause."

"FUCK the cause.  I'm not an asset.  I'm your son."

He sounded a lot like Bronx at that moment.  All about the revolution.  All they cared about was winning against IT.  It's like nothing else mattered to them in the world.  Nothing else existed.  And it hurts.  So maybe that's why I get out of the car.  I slam the door, but I realize the window is opening.

"Wait..."

"What is it?" I ask.

I turn around.  Half of me is wanting some better explanation about why my father has been gone this long besides the fact that he was off playing a double agent to sabotage `the system'.

"Don't tell Bronx that I saved you.  I think it isn't safe yet to reveal that I'm the one who's been helping him bring people online all these years."

"That's what you're worried about now..."

"I..." he starts off as though he had something else to say.

He stops though and whatever he was about to say just fades away and instead he just blurts out the words, "Just be careful out there OK.  You can trust Bronx.  I'll get in contact with you shortly."

"No rush.  I'll just go back to thinking you're dead again."

"Cassius----"

"What?"

He sighs, "We'll finish this conversation later.  Your friends are coming and I don't want Bronx to see me here.  I just have to deal with something.  Something that might change everything and put us back on the offense.  As soon as I'm done I'll find you."

~

It only takes 2 minutes for a truck to pull up.  They walk in their masks looking at me, looking around and then just sort of seeming out of it.

"You're alive," Tessa states, "Holy shit."

"Sorry to disappoint you," I state.

"Damn maybe next time," she shrugs.

She laughs but all of a sudden stops fully.  The reason she has stopped because there is a revolver pointed at her head.  I turn and notice the person who is pointing it is none other than Bronx.  Bronx isn't joking.  There are no smiles on his face.  He is serious.  Dead serious.

"Next time he might not survive, but the chances of you surviving pulling something like this, without my consent, is much lower," he states, "Would you like to know the specific odds, Tessa?"

It's serious.  The tone is quiet.  Nano and Larson seem like they are leaving Tessa out on her own on this one.  Tessa has this slow boiling frustration that she is trying to keep bottled in.  And I think that's when it becomes clear that the only person Tessa hates more than me is Bronx.

"I'll wait in the car," she bites her tongue almost literally to walk away.

Nano sighs, "We should go.  My monitor is showing heavy firewall activity tonight.  They are most likely still looking for Cassius."

They start walking to the car and I start following them but I don't get to the car.  I don't get to the car because there is a hand across my chest blocking me.  Bronx keeps his hand out sturdy.

He looks pissed.  Almost as pissed as he was with Tessa.  I'm wondering if he is going to pull his revolver out again and maybe shoot me in the foot for doing something so stupid as going home.  He doesn't though.

He does something else.  Something wild.  Something crazy.

Something dangerous!

He hugs me.

"What the----" I start saying.

My eyes get wide in surprise. There is the hug of gentle arms that still gives the space to breathe; then there is the hug of strong arms that tells everything that your are - body, brain and soul - that they are with you.

"Don't go off like that again.  OK?" he asks, "Promise me-----"

The closeness makes me feel so human again.  Almost to the point that I forget the wires.  I forget all the machinery.  All I can think right now is there is this human being who seems to want to connect with me.

"I didn't think anyone would notice.  I didn't think anyone would care."

"Have you ever walked past someone and thought----I feel like I know you, but you can't put your finger on it?" he asks.

"Yes.  Of course.  All the time."

"That was a memory that AI discarded from your programming.  Sometimes for a big reason but other times just for efficiency.  Just because it felt like it.  Someone told me once that AI can take away everything from us.  Our body.  Our souls.  Our memory.  But they can't take away how we make someone feel.   I care about if you are OK.  That's something that they can't take away."

~

I feel a sense of responsibility to him because I ran away.  Maybe that's why when I get back to our hideout I finally start listening to him.   Bronx is great with words.  He can spin them into a song and a story.  He can make you listen to them.  And he can make you dance without realizing this whole time he's been giving you the beat.  He's beautifully human without trying and without realizing it, but that's what makes him a good leader.  That's what also makes him dangerous.

"Keep running..." he tells me, "Fatigue is nothing more than an algorithm created by the System to keep us limited.  OVERRIDE IT."

"I've already run 5 miles straight.  That's more than I've ever run in my life without stopping."

"This is a new life.  This is synthetic life.  Humans have new bodies that forever blur the line between the natural and synthetic worlds.  Now that you are aware that you have an augmented body you redefine your limits."

Time is passing quickly.  It's been 2 months.  2 months of training with him.  I'd like to say I'd gotten accustomed to it but I haven't.  I understand the augmented body but for some reason my mind doesn't.  My brain gives up and I feel human as I stop and sit.  Sweat is dripping all down my body.  So much so that I take off my shirt and throw it on the floor.

"Won't my body just know what to do if I get in a bad situation?" I ask.

"Your body is a weapon.  You need to learn how to control it.  A bulldozer is powerful regardless of who is working it.  But it becomes dangerous in the wrong hands."

"You calling me a bulldozer?" I ask, "I like that."

"You like wasting my time don't you?  I've been spending all my time with you and it feels like you're still holding back."

"Then maybe don't spend all your time with me," I shrug.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Your team is feeling some type of way..."

"Not this again."

He sighs knowing what I'm going to say.  The last 2 months has been intense trying to stretch my mind to accept an augmented body, but then there were the three Stooges who wanted nothing more out of life than to make my entire existence a living hell.

"Larson literally stormed in my room  this morning claiming that I was having sex with you," I state.

"Oh that's not bad," he seems to almost be relieved.

"His right arm was converted into an automatic shotgun," I continue.

He sits back.

"Fuck.  I'm sorry.  I knew I shouldn't have crossed that line with him."

The line.  He'd never really talked to me about his private life.  He had a sequestered personality. One of those mysterious guys who you really couldn't get into because he didn't want to let anyone in.  Right now was one of those moments.

"You mean fucking him?" I ask.

He shakes his head, "I know what you're thinking.  I'm supposed to be the team leader.  I'm not supposed to be sleeping with guys underneath me especially if I have no intention of really pursuing a romantic relationship with this person."

"No, that's not what I was thinking at all," I state, "Seems like you can't calculate everything, huh?"

He seems curious, "So what?"

"What, what?"

"What were you thinking?"

I shrug, "I was thinking that you're human.  And you were single and horny.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Except maybe led him on a little."

"I didn't lead him on.  I've always made it very clear I've only been in love once and I don't ever plan on going down that route again."

"Only once?"

He pauses.  It's as though he knows that I want to know more and all of a sudden he does the thing he is famous for.  He shuts down.

"Let's get back to overriding your fatigue setting," he states, "You're almost there."

"You want to push me?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're  doing it wrong.  You need to give me some motivation," I state.

He seems confused, "Like what?"

"Like a competition.  We fight.  You pin me and I'll run on this machine for 8 straight hours and push past my fatigue setting."

"Ok, ok, I'm listening," he says raising an eyebrow, "Let's start.  First person to yell stop loses."

"Don't you want to know what happens if I win?" I ask.

He barely acknowledges the question.  He has this silent confidence about him that I find completely intimidating and just a little bit sexy.

He shakes his head, "Doesn't matter.  You won't beat me."

He takes his shirt off.  I try to look away and not get distracted by it.   We're in the basement of this place and lucky enough we've kicked up enough dust in the place so that it isn't a clear picture.  But then he gets close and I am distracted all over again.  Damn he was fine.  His slanted eyes, dark brown skin and his swollen ripped muscles.  His tight running pants cling to his waist showing off an imprint of his dick that he probably doesn't even notice I can see so clearly.  It looks amazing.

"What techniques should we do?"  I ask, "Nano uploaded kung fu, Aikido, Tae Kwon Do and Savate out of France.   Those are just to name a few.  I know 54 fighting techniques.  He says he was able to upload them because of I have more memory.  You know, being a Programmer and all.  I was a black belt in seconds."

He's not impressed.

"Congratulations, Sensei.  But did he upload street fighting?" he asks.

"No----"

"Too bad."

We faced off on the wooden dance floor of the bar

I was wearing a red sleeveless shirt and loose fitting black pants.  On either hand I had sturdy metal gauntlets that I'd taken from Tessa's inventions without her knowing.   Bronx bent down and stretched his back.  He turned his neck from left to right and popping it with a series of clicks in rapid succession.  Then, he proceeded to do the same with the rest of his body as he loosened up the rest of his body.

"Don't hold back or I am going to break you." He snarled at me.

That's when he rushed at me.  He dipped and weaved as he was about to reach me and punched downward with his fist.  I parried this with my metal gauntlets and a loud shriek sent sparks flying in the air.    He was quick and grabs something.  That's when I notice it's a sword.  He slashes upward and if it weren't for my side step it's possible I would have been cut fully in half. I sidestepped to the right just enough and the blade passed a hairs breath from my face.

"Whoa what the fuck?  I thought this was hand to hand."

"I said street fight.  Do you think the Firewalls have rules?"

Quickly, before he could respond with a follow-up, I swiftly punched Bronx in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him---or so it seemed---- and stunning him for a brief moment.

The quick blow had opened Bronx up for another attack and I obliged him, putting a simple sidekick into his chiseled stomach, doubling him over.  I followed that up with a quick rising uppercut.

"Are you OK?" I realize.

Taking the opening and using the environment to his advantage, he back flipped onto the wall and pushed off towards me.  I shouldn't have dropped my fucking guard!  The maneuver sent him front flipping towards me and just before he reached me, Bronx flattened his body out, feet first.  Instead of colliding with me though, he opted to wrap his feet around my neck instead.

The maneuver caught me off guard as I was recovering my wits, once again.

Bronx gave me an apologetic shrug, mid air.  As if to say, "sorry" for what was going to come next.

He used his momentum to slam me to the ground.  I skidded and tumbled along the ground, uncontrolled.  A groan escaped my lips as the pain from the attack started setting in.

"That had to hurt." Bronx said to himself, before turning to me, "You want me to stop.  Just say it."

I can't even muffle the words and he takes that as a challenge to continue.  He's on top of me now. Pressing his knees into my arms making me squirm from the pressure.  And he thinks he's winning.  And maybe he is until I reach up.

And I do the only thing I can think about.

I grab his dick.

"What the..." he jerks off of me.

I don't stop.  With the speed of a cat, while he kicks away from me after feeling violated, I reach out in mid air.  I  spin my body and swept his foot towards his opponents head.  The attack was so quick that he doesn't realize he's on the ground until he's on the ground and I'm over him.

And I'm kissing him.

My kiss stole the words I didn't need to say. In that silence all of our secrets were laid bare, all of our passions and the spark of temptation that existed between us.

"STOP!" he screams.

He pushes off of me.  He's freaking out.  Like really freaking out.  His eyes all buggy.  You would think I was the one who pulled out a sword in the middle of the fight.  He's standing there now breathing on the side the wooden floors.  I've never seen him thrown so completely out of character.  At this moment I can't tell is he's just nervous maybe even...oh god...disgusted?

"You OK?"

"No I'm not OK," he states, "Why would you do that?  Why would you kiss me?  Don't ever fucking do that again.  You hear me?"

"Whoa...chill..."

"Don't tell me to chill.  What the hell did you think you kissing me was going to accomplish?  What the hell did you think it was going to mean!"

"It means that I won..."

All of a sudden as though he had forgotten what we were doing here in the first place he pauses, takes a deep breath and nods silently.  And that's when I see him looking somewhat embarrassed as well.

~

To say it's awkward later on when we meet up for my plans is an understatement.  I'm standing at the entrance of the brownstone waiting for him and when he comes down I notice that he isn't alone.  His team is there with him.

"You two are going where?" Nano asks.

I'm starting to learn the dynamics between all of them.  Nano loves Bronx almost like a little brother.  The little brother who always wanted to be around Bronx.  He looked up to Bronx.  He wanted to be like him.  I'm not saying he wouldn't suck the skin off of Bronx's dick if he was given half the chance, but that wasn't his main motivation.

Then there was Tessa.  The bitter girl who got turned down.  I'd learned over the last 2 months that she had come to accept that Bronx didn't want to be with her, but she would go out of her way to make sure that he was as miserable as possible with everyone else.

And then there's Larson.

It is physical with Bronx and Larson. It has been.  Larson wants more and Bronx doesn't.  His pride makes him stand there and scrunch up his face.  He's pissed but he has too much pride to let Bronx know that.

"They're going on a date, idiot," Tessa states, "Isn't it obvious?  I've been warning you guys this was going to happen for the longest time."

Bronx seems out of it.

"Mind your business Tessa.  This isn't a date.  It's a...it's er---a----"

He's made his way down the stairs and is standing next to me.   He's passing me the baton invisibly and I see it but take my time because I sort of enjoy watching him squirm.  I enjoy seeing Larson's cocky smile fade into a seriousness as he stands by the entrance of the room with his arms crossed acting as though he's cool with all of this.

"We need to get to know each other," I state, "Outside of here.  We are going to the carnival."

"Carnival?  There can be firewalls----" Nano states, "It's not safe for you to be around him Bronx."

"The firewall has been lowered for Cassius.  It's been 2 months.  He should be fine as long as he doesn't bring too much attention to himself," he states, "Besides I'm going to be there."

"I'm SURE you'll do whatever it takes to protect him," Tessa states, "Putting your own life on the line.  Fucking the rest of us over.  You know, whatever----"

At this point Tessa's negativity is irritating, but the only thing I find more irritating is when Larson walks over.  He has on a muscle shirt.  He knows he looks good.  We all know his body is amazing.  Maybe that's why it bothers me so much when he walks over and gives Bronx a hug.

"Be safe," he states, "I'll be waiting for you when you get back Bronx."

The hug is close.  Really close.  Awkwardly close.  I cross my arms acting as though it doesn't bother me.  I literally had to get my ass beat just to have some alone time with him.  Larson was able to get so much more from Bronx without even wanting to try.

"You ready?" Bronx asks me.

"Yeah...I guess..."

~

I wasn't ready.  I was lying.  And I don't realize it until I get to the carnival.  I wasn't ready to enjoy being in something like this with him.  I don't think he was prepare to enjoy it either.

But we did.

It was a scorching hot summers day: perfect for a day at the fair. The sky was dotted with a few candy-floss clouds. The entrance could be seen in the distance and the long queues edged forward slowly. Customers were becoming increasingly excited and impatient as they took a few steps forward every so often. Faint music could be heard from beyond the tall gates with the occasional happy scream suddenly piercing the air. Closer to the entrance and the massive structures of the rides could be seen: a rollercoaster, a big wheel, a helter skelter.

"Try this," I state.

"I can't that last ride got me dizzy as hell, I think I'm going to throw up."

"Nausea is nothing more than an algorithm created by the System to keep us limited.  OVERRIDE IT."

He laughs, "You're such a smart ass you know that?"

He licks at my ice cream cone, not caring that it's the same area I'd just eaten off of.  The ice creams wobbled perilously over the cones and dripped down his fingers as it melted.  He became a big ass kid as he stole my candy.  Before I know it the ice cream I told him to try is all gone and he's smiling like a kid as he munched on brightly coloured balls soft sugar strands that dissolved on the tongue.

"This your first carnival?" I ask.

"It's just been...so long," he states, "Once you find out the truth it's like you don't ever have that chance to just...I don't know...enjoy it..."

"Well I'm happy you're enjoying it," I state.

He smiles, "Me too.  Happy you won.  Even though you cheated.   What made you go for the kiss..."

"It's your weakness I think," I shrug, "I notice you calculate when you fight.  It's like you're doing statistics and probabilities in your head."

"It helps.  Might be a screw up in my wiring," he laughs, "And you're right.  The kiss did throw me completely off.  I never do that..."

"Not even with Larson?"

He sighs, "Larson is a friend.  That's it.  I never felt anything with Larson.  I haven't felt anything since..."

"Since him?"

He turns towards me.  He doesn't want to talk about his past.  He never does.  Maybe that's why he stares out, "Look at them.  They are having so much fun.  Little do they know that so-called fun is just programming."

The sun was going down.  We're gathered around the basketball line and he's pointing out some kids not too far from us.  They were more like teenagers just a few years younger than I was. They danced to the bonfire cradled in the center like flames to the mole. Beautiful girls and boys moved to the music that came from nowhere and everywhere till their foot aches and legs gave out. Where kisses were cheaper than wine, but the wine was sweet as nectar and food was spiced and the fruits were all bruised.  They'd found happiness in their lives.  They understood humanity in a way that he couldn't any longer.

"That's not true," I state, "Maybe IT controls certain things.  But it doesn't control everything.  IT can control what we do and when we do it when we're not online.  But it doesn't control how we feel."

It doesn't control emotion.  That's what my dad said.

"You sound so in touch," he states, "I've struggled all my life to understand what it's like to be a cyborg.  When does the human end.  When does the machine start.  A kiss...I think that's where it is.  That's why it makes me so uncomfortable."

"What made you say that?"

"I felt it a long time ago.  I put my guard down.  I kissed someone.  We fell in love.  All that human stuff.  In the end I wasn't able to save him."

"You blame yourself?"

He nods, "Everyday.  Maybe if I hadn't kissed him, it wouldn't have hurt so much to lose him."

"Is it so bad that it hurt?"

"Of course.  Why would you ask that?"

I shrug, "I don't know.  I feel like I'd rather hurt.  That is how you know there is still human left in you.  You lost him but it hurt and that hurt feels good.  Because you had something worth wanting to keep."

He smiles, "You get it."

"Get what?"

He shrugs, "The reason why I fight.  I want to be able to kiss someone and know it's because I wanted to do it.  Not because some program made me do it.  I want freedom.  I want to be human.  I want to feel what I felt earlier today."

"You mean earlier with the man you loved?"

"That's what I said, wasn't it?" he asks.

I shake my head, "No but I get it..."

I start walking away.  I don't know why.  But as I'm walking away he stops me.  We're standing there at that point and just looking at each other.  He's close.  I can smell his breath.  I can smell the sweet candies still that he was eating.  I can feel heat too.  Heat is permeating from his pores and surrounding me like a blanket.

"Would you mind if I -----check something really quick?"

I look down at his lips.  He's looking down at me in my eyes.  I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life.  His manly muscular frame makes me feel so safe.  We're in public but I might as well be in the safehouse.  He was a human shield in these moments.

"Sure..."

At first it started a little funny.   As though he wasn't clear if he wanted to do this.  I mean he nearly missed, his lips a tad too far left and his nose bumping against mine, but he persisted.

Then he got aggressive.  His lips mashed against mine, as if trying to flatten and destroy my mouth. I hungrily pushed back, my mouth open, tongue pushing past his clenched teeth to the moist space within. The bristles of his beard scratched against my soft cheeks as he gripped my head firmly, as if to keep me from escaping.

Finally we got the hang of it.  And it was liquid lightning that we shared together.  He could feel it.  I knew he could.  That was the thing about sparks.  They jumped from one power outlet to another.

"Yeah, I was right..." he states.

"About what?"

"That something like that---that feeling that you just gave me is worth more than fighting for," he assures me, "A kiss like that is worth dying for."

~

I don't know how it happens by the time we get back to the brownstone.  I don't know how we are laughing.  I don't know how we got to holding hands.  I don't know how it became something interesting so quick when it was nothing when we left.  All I know is that he has me up against the brick walls and his tongue is in my mouth.  He's pressing his body up against me.  He is massaging his fingers through my hair.

"Larson might see..." he states.

"I don't give a fuck," he responds.

"Stop, really," I state, "Let's just keep this between us.  I'm still trying to make sure they don't decide to kill me out of nowhere."

He laughs, "I get it.  It's just that feeling.  Didn't think someone could make me feel like that again.  It's crazy.  We'll just keep our lips to ourselves but can I be honest man?"

"Yes."

"When this is all over and we destroy IT, I'm going on another mission."

"Another mission?"

He gives me the sexiest smile ever, "Exploratory."

He reaches over about to grab me but someone opens the door.  I'm not surprised that someone was so antsy to make sure Bronx got here.   I'm also not surprised it's Nano.  He's the only one who doesn't mind looking like the biggest idiot when it came to Bronx.

"The carnival closed 2 hours ago," Nano states.

We're standing close.  Really close.  Nano isn't an idiot but he is making sure he isn't going to make this comfortable for us.

"We decided to take the long way," he states biting his lips and looking at me.

I've never seen Bronx smile the way that he was smiling.  It was as though he was coming back to life for the first time.  I was excited.  I mean I got confirmation that I wasn't solely attracted to him while he acted like I didn't exist.  I got confirmation that there was some sort of mutual attraction there.  But Bronx's reaction to all of this is what was really making my day.

"We have company?"

"The Finnicks?"

"No..."

"Who?"

There is a pause.

"You should probably go see yourself..."

We walk into the apartment and I'm confused.  That's when I see Larson seeming bothered.  I didn't get it.  I figured maybe it was because me and Bronx were walking in, but he doesn't even seem to notice me.  I'm not what is bothering him.

"Oh my god..." Bronx states.

That's when I notice who the visitor is.  He's sitting at the dining room table.  He doesn't seem to react at first to Bronx walking in.  I know that he probably wasn't getting the warmest welcome from this bunch.  As he's sitting at the table he looks up and sees Bronx.  He sees me.  He looks like he is about to say something to me but I look away.

I'm still pissed he left me like that.  I'm still pissed that he did that.

"I'm alive," he states, "I had to come back.  I have some information that can change the tides of this war.   I wanted to give it to you in person.  You deserve that much.  Bronx----can you say something.  Can you say anything?"

Bronx opens his mouth.

Nothing.

Bronx was speechless.  It's as though he couldn't come up with the words.

"You two know each other?" I ask.

I knew they knew of each other but I had no idea they KNEW each other.

"Yeah we do..." my father states, "I've been reprocessed by IT so many times it seems like a lifetime ago.  Hello Bronx."

They walk towards each other slowly.  I'm standing off to the side confused.  Bronx isn't going to answer me.  He's so far into shock.

"Sad isn't it?  He let us know that they were once the same age.  When you're online you can control aging.  Offline, not so much," Tessa whispers in my ear, taking the  opportunity to pull her shady Tessa-like whispers, "Now look at the age difference."

I'm shocked they were the same age at one point.  My father looked like he could be Bronx's father.  It makes me wonder just how old Bronx really was.

All of  a sudden I hear a slow, dark whisper, "I've missed you so much."

And that's when I realize something.  Something that horrifies me.  Something that eliminated one of the best days of my life.

"I miss you too and I still love you."

My father confirms that he was Bronx's lover with a kiss. A human kiss...

To read the next chapter in advance go to www.crushedcrown.com