Programmed Emotions

Programmed Emotions Chapter 7

Chapter 7

It was awkward. Awkward as hell. At least for me. Seeing my father touch my crush in an intimate way kind of alarmed me. When my father came in the room it was as though no one else existed for Bronx, including me. He'd forgotten about the small moments we'd had together. He'd forgotten about everything that we'd just been through. Right now the only thing that mattered to him was him reuniting with someone else.

"Chuck," he says, "I knew you were alive."

There is this longing in his voice. He doesn't hide it. He doesn't try not to embrace my father. He's doing the opposite. His lips are parting. Those sexy lips that I'd dreamt about night after night were wanting someone one else.

"I told you once that I'd never leave you. I meant it."

"I should have listened to you," he says, "I should have listened to you about so much. None of that matters now. You're back. And I'm never going to let you go again."

I feel like I'm stepping into someone else's life when I see the way Bronx talks. He's floating now. He's on a high. My father is his drug of choice. It's strange watching them together. It's strange seeing how Bronx presses his hand up against my father's face. My father looks so much older than he does. It's all so weird. All so fucking awkward.

"You've been waiting for me? This whole time?" my dad asks, surprised.

"I felt you may have been alive deep inside but a part of me felt like IT had wiped your memory. How the hell are you here?"

"That's a question we all want to know," I interrupt.

For the first time since my father and Bronx reunited, Bronx looks back at me. It's as though he'd forgotten I existed for a few seconds. And then there is this look of horror in his eyes. Horror that he hadn't been waiting for my father in the way that he was describing. He'd shown a little bit of interest in me for a time but now he seemed to want to be taking that interest completely back now that my father was here.

"You found my son," my dad said, smiling over at him, "Cassius is the only thing I've been proud of all these years that we've been apart."

"He looks just like you," Bronx states.

Bronx stares down at the floor. Was it because he felt awkward. Was it embarrassment? I wasn't sure. I don't know why I'm desperate to do it though but I do. I walk forward. I grab his hand. I try to hold Bronx's hand.

I was trying to claim him from my father. Let him know where we stand. I almost spit the words out, "We already know each other REAL well."

As soon as I do it I regret it. All of a sudden I feel how desperate Larson was at times. I feel how bitter Tessa was. Or how starstruck Nano was. All of a sudden I'm that team member begging for Bronx's attention and he treats me almost exactly the same. He steps back trying desperately not to make my father uncomfortable in that moment.

"This is awkward," Tessa laughs as though being entertained by all of this.

I'm embarrassed. My face is red. Bronx literally sidestepped out of my embrace at that moment. He might as well had punched me right in my face. Tessa was the only one that laughed but both Nano and Larson had this smug smile on their face. They'd spent so long feeling out of place with me arriving and taking all of Bronx's attention and now they were gloating.

"I can explain," he says but turns to my father when he says it, "Chuck I can explain."

My father looks hurt. Me trying to reach for Bronx said more than enough. If he is really hurt though he isn't going to say anything, "Listen it's OK..."

"It's not," he explains, "Your son. He looks so much like you and...and...how could you even have a son?"

"I was repurposed by IT. IT tried to reprogram my sexuality. IT assigned one of its generals as my wife to keep me grounded."

"You saying my mother was your assignment?" I ask him.

My dad sighs a little bit, "I never got the chance to explain to you, Cassius. But yes, your mother and I were never in love. She was more like a watchdog. She was there to make sure that I didn't glitch and revert back to my old life."

"And what am I then? Just a part of your cover-up to seem like you were offline?" I ask.

He doesn't answer. He doesn't answer because he knows it's true. I feel betrayed right now. My heart beating hard through my chest. For so long I had gone through life feeling an attachment to my father. My mother was always busy. She never had time for me. But my father made the time. And now he's here telling these people that I was nothing more than a mistake. It was embarrassing. Even if he's finally being honest. It was painful.

And that's when I hear Bronx take up for my father. He defends him.

"Your father loved you," he states.

"You don't know SHIT about my father Bronx," I tell him angrily, my voice full of angst, "You haven't been around him in quite some time. He had a whole life without you. A whole marriage without you."

Bronx seems offended. The idea that the love of his life had moved on was quite a lot for him to handle, "Can we not do this---here?"

"Do what?" I ask, "Tell the truth that an hour ago you had your tongue down my throat and now you're all over my father?"

"Not now..."

"It's OK, let him get it all out," my father crosses his arms.

He's acting like my father now. The guy who was always there for me listening to me when I wanted attention. Always letting me express my concerns. Always letting me show my emotions. He always seemed like he was on my side back then.

"The truth is...he abandoned you Bronx. The same way he abandoned me."

That seems to take Bronx to another level because all of a sudden now he's angry, "You want to know what the truth is? The truth is I liked you. And most of the reason I liked you is that you reminded me of him. The TRUTH is we had ONE funny night. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable but I've had years with Chuck. It doesn't hold a candle."

One funny night.

That's what I meant to him.

One funny night.

And all of a sudden I just feel hot. I feel so hot that I find myself running out of the room. Bronx doesn't come after me. He could care less now that Chuck was back. I was nothing to him. My heart was beating fast wondering how stupid I could have been to like Bronx in the first place. He was never available. If he were, Tessa, Nano or Larson would have been able to break through that wall by now. He wasn't available and I was nothing more than his last victim.

The only person he loved was Chuck.

The only person he'd ever love was Chuck.

~

The knock on the door comes early the next morning. I open it and see my father standing there. He's the last person I want to see right now. He has on a smile and has some Bojangles in his hands. Bojangles biscuits were my favorite and my father always knew that.

"I really would prefer to be left alone."

My voice is angry. It's straight to the point. I try to slam the old door but this townhouse is so old that the door doesn't lock and my father just has to push it back open. He is standing there looking at me the way he looked at me a million times when I was a kid.

"Remember when you and your mom used to get into arguments?" he asks, "I would always come back and bring you food. It was almost like good food could never keep you upset for too long."

"Yeah well back then I didn't know I was your assignment."

"I said that my marriage wasn't real," my father explains, "I never said that me being your dad wasn't real. Everything I do, I do for you."

"Does your boyfriend know that?"

Even saying the words boyfriend made me feel weird. My father was handsome FOR AN OLDER MAN. The fact that Bronx was so in love with him is still blowing my mind.

"I thought there was no deeper love than me and Bronx before. It was initially what kept me online, against all the reprogramming. But I didn't act. I didn't help the resistance. Do you know what made me help the resistance."

I roll my eyes, "I'm sure you're going to tell me..."

"You."

His answer is short and to the point. It's heavy and I expect him to say more. I expect that's something you would elaborate on but he doesn't. And when he doesn't do it, it makes it even more powerful. A part of me wants to run into my father's arms and tell him about some boy that hurt my feelings. That's what I would have done before this. But I couldn't. The boy who hurt my feelings is hurting me because of my father.

So I'm in this ridiculous situation where my father is just someone who reminds me of my heartbreak and I withdraw from him.

"You can go tell your boyfriend all those stories," I state, "I don't really give a fuck. I'd prefer if you went back to whatever hole you were shirking you're responsibilities in."

My father looks away. I'm sure it hurts. I want to feel sorry for being so blunt with him but I can't right now. Right now I'm the one in pain. Maybe I'm wrong but right now I had the right to be mad. Right now I had the right to be PISSED.

"I understand. I'll leave shortly. However, I've figured a way to cripple IT," he changes the subject, "Please come downstairs so that I can discuss our next move.

~

I come downstairs. I'm wearing all black. I don't do it on purpose, but I didn't have any of my own clothes and the closet had some old clothes in there.

I swear as I walk down the stairs I hear Tessa say, "Look who has been initiated to the Heartbreak club."

She is taking joy in it. She's taking joy in the fact that I'm the latest idiot to fall in love with an emotionally unavailable man. Now I'm goth and dark. Just like them.

"That's my sweater," my father states, "It fits you perfectly. We must have been the same size."

The fact that I was wearing my father's clothes only meant one thing. It meant that Bronx hadn't thrown away anything that belonged to my father. That room was probably my father's room. I look over at him and get a confirmation by the way Bronx is looking at me from the kitchen. He walks past not really saying anything to me. He wants to pretend like I don't exist.

That was completely fine with me. If wasn't going to be like Tessa and the others. If he wanted to ignore me than he could.

I walk right past him as though I don't know he exists and I take a seat next to Nano.

"As you all know I've come here because I have a way of dealing a massive blow to IT," my father states.

"What's the plan?" Nano asks.

My father shakes his head, "I can't tell you yet."

Larson looks around confused, "This some sort of joke?"

"No joke," is my father's reply, "I want to tell the entire revolution. I need you guys to bring everyone together. We'll need everyone in the same room."

"I thought we were the last ones online?" I state, "And the Finnick."

"There are more revolutionaries," Tessa explains, "Across the country. Not many though. The problem is getting to them. Locating them. Sending a message that is encrypted enough so that IT wouldn't discover us. There's only one person that can do that..."

It's Bronx who utters the words, "Macro..."

There is a grunt coming from everyone. They look annoyed even thinking about it.

"Whose Macro?"

"Trouble," is the only reply I get.

Regardless of how reluctant Bronx's team is, my father isn't backing down on his request, "I need to get everyone in the same place. Everyone. You guys have a week to get this done."

Tessa isn't having it, "That's impossible. These people are scared of their own shadows. There's no way everyone is going to meet in the same place..."

"This isn't a request..." my father responds.

"Well, it should be. I don't care who you are to IT, but you don't have authority over us," Tessa angrily interrupts.

"She's right," I jump in, "You're not the team leader here."

My father had been stone-faced with Tessa, a block not willing to move, but with me, he softens his face almost immediately. I don't though. I'm letting him know that I'm a member of this team now. They'd been the ones who saved my life. They'd been the ones who were actually there during the most troubling time in my life. He was just the one who left me a button to turn myself online and disappeared out of my existence.

"I'm in charge," is Bronx's response, "And we need to make it happen. Chuck has been working on the inside for quite some time. If anyone knows how to hurt IT, he will."

The group gets quiet, real quiet. I can see the looks of concern on everyone's face. Not Bronx though. Bronx was steadfast in listening to what my father wanted. He wasn't going to stray away for that for anyone.

My father nods, "I'll come back here around the time of the meeting."

"You're leaving?"

"I can't be gone out of the system for too long. IT will notice," he states.

Bronx looks disappointed but then quickly adds, "I'll walk you out."

I knew that at this point they needed time alone. My father gives a look, perhaps wanting to say goodbye or maybe say something else. Regardless of what his intentions were, it doesn't happen. He just nods and walks out of the room followed by Bronx's protective shadow.

When they leave, I'm left with feeling this emptiness inside.

"That's convenient isn't it?" Tessa asks, "This guy has been online for all this time and shows up now..."

I'm not surprised when it happens. I'm not surprised when the others look just as confused as she does.

"The entire revolution has never been in one place at the same time," Nano explains, "We have survived by not doing something like that."

"It makes it convenient for IT," Tessa replies.

Larson has remained relatively quiet. Tessa was the kind of person to have conspiracies. I can see it all over her face. The girl was full of negativity. But then there was Nano. He seemed to be more inclined towards facts. And right now he seemed just as concerned as she was.

"Are you guys thinking this could be a trap?" I ask.

"No offense, but your father isn't one of us," Tessa explains.

"I'd heard that before," I respond.

"This is different. I hate to admit this---but with you it was personal," Tessa explains, "With your father, it isn't. This man has been in the system. No one cheats IT. IT would have known he was online. How could he possibly hide it for this long."

"He's a brilliant man," Larson explains, "And Bronx trusts him."

"Can you get out of Bronx's ass for one minute and think with your own head," Tessa retaliates, "All of us in one place is NOT a good thing."

Larson seems confused. Stuck between trusting Bronx and not feeling easy with my father. Surprisingly he turns to me, "What do you think?"

"Me?"

Tessa nods, "He's right. You're a member of this team----whether we like it or not. And besides, you're clearly not the REAL threat anymore. So what do you think?"

I don't know what she means by real threat but knowing Tessa it was a term loaded with her own insecurities. I decide to ignore that part and cross my arms.

"If anyone could trick IT, then my father would be the only person capable of it," I state but shake my head, "However I don't think we should be stupid. Bronx is in love with him. And if IT wanted to infiltrate us, then my father would also be the only person capable of it."

Larson is still thinking hard on it, "So you're saying."

"We can't trust him. It's possible my father is an agent of IT."

~

A few days have passed since my father's visit. The bad thing is that since my father came around Bronx has been avoiding me like I had the plague. He refused to be anywhere near me. He spent most of the time alone probably thinking about my father.

On the other end, the team seemed to be spending more time with me.

"Your style is so tacky," Larson is telling Nano, "We should have gotten him into one of my suits..."

I'm trying on Nano's suits. I'm actually in Nano's room. It's what you imagine from Nano as well. The room is covered with computer language, books, old school games and pop culture references that only Nano would get. He was the techiest person I knew and he didn't hide it.

"Like he would fit the clothes of an overgrown steroid tank," Nano responds.

"This ain't steroids motherfucker---this is all natural."

Larson is feeling himself, as usual kissing his muscles.'

"250 pounds of metal is considered natural now?" Nano shoots back.

Nano did have a point. I wouldn't be able to fit any of Laron's suits. Larson also had a point though too, Nano's clothes were tacky. Most of them were ripped up patchwork. He definitely embraced the grungy side of this cyberpunk world.

"Do we have to wear suits?" I ask, "We are meeting this Macro person at a party right?"

"Macro and his parties are very----specific," Larson explains, "But we need to go. He's well networked. If anyone can gather everyone who's online, it would be Macro."

Nano nods, "I've gotten kicked out a few of these parties. Luckily..."

"Why do you say luckily?"

Nano is definitely making me a little nervous. There was something about this Macro person that was getting everyone on edge, even Larson. And Larson seemed overconfident in just about everything he did.

I don't get an answer to my question because Tessa walks into the room.

"I know just the thing..." Tessa states.

"What's that?"

"I found it in your father's clothing," Tessa states.

"No...absolutely not. I refuse to wear any more of these things. They probably smell like him."

"It's never been worn before..." is Tessa's reply, "Hurry up. We don't have a lot of time. Bronx is pulling up with the car now."

I look at the suit. It was amazing. Maybe this wasn't going to be a bad thing after all.

~

We get into the car with Bronx. I'm surprised when he pulls up in a Tesla. I'm pretty sure he can't afford it but when I notice the gadget he has connected to the car it's pretty clear he stole the thing. We're all wearing black except for Larson who opted into a hot red suit. Even so we all coordinate. It's as though we're going to a black tie event.

The ride is pretty quiet with Bronx of course not looking at me or giving me any more exposure than he normally would but making sure to bark orders to us.

"We get in this party I need you all to maintain yourselves. We all know how Macro's parties can get, but we are here for business..."

"Here," Nano passes something back to me.

"What is it?"

"A communicator," Nano explains, "If you need us just say the safeword."

"Safeword?"

"Scorpion," he states, "After my favorite video game character."

I'm a little lost at this point, "Why would I need a safeword?"

The response I get is interesting overall. They all look at me and just don't say anything.

The answer is cold, short and to the point, "You'll see."

~

We arrive at what seems like a rundown part of town. Everything around looks grungy and almost dirty. We park the car on the side of the road where you wouldn't normally park a car like that. Then I follow the group down a long street. There are normal people staring at us a bit and I'm a little nervous that I'm going to be attacked by a firewall from the stares. But then I remember how weird I felt looking at the group all together the first time I saw them. The feeling that they were up to something. It was a curious feeling. I am sure people must be feeling the same way about me as well now that I'm among them.

We get to an alley, a secret empty dark alley. It's night time by now and I can barely see. The fact that we are all wearing black doesn't help but luckily Larson's loud suit has reflectors on it that help a little bit.

As we approach Bronx gives the door a unique tap. A man walks to the door.

"Password?"

"The Brightest Light causes the Darkest Shadow."

The door opens at that moment.

"No fuckin way..."

That's when Tessa nods as we walk in, "Welcome to the real world..."

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