Queer Fear Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Run!
Don't look back. I feel the hands reaching out for me. I'm running. My feet hit leaves underneath me letting out this loud CRKK CRKKK sound that sounds so different from any leaves I've ever imagined. It sounds like death itself was chasing me. Sweat is rolling down my body from unfortunate places. The Dead Forest was so dark.
CRKKK CRKK!
It was getting closer.
I feel my body begin to take the weight as I run-up to a rock. I'm out of breath. I had to hide. I close my eyes as I dip underneath the rock hoping that I'd been able to run far enough that the boy in the hood didn't see me. Was I going crazy? Was I being chased? What was happening to me?
CRK CRKKKK!
Fuck!
Something was still making noise out there! I hadn't imagined seeing the boy in the hood. Something was still out in the forest. Something still waiting for me. Something trying to seize the opportunity and kill me. I can feel the darkness all around me. It's a feeling I felt only once before...the night that James came back to camp and said he saw the face. Had I seen the face? Was I marked for death too?
Would I end up like James?
All these thoughts keep entering my head.
CRK! CRKKKK CRKKKK!
It was getting closer, closer, closer. My heart was beating so much that I start to breathe through my mouth in an attempt to ease the anxiety that was suffocating my body from the inside out. The sound still kept getting closer. That's when I hear it stop. But he's so close that I can almost feel the warmth of the body. The killer was still on the loose and I had nothing to do but to sit there like some kind of wildman waiting for this thing----waiting for it.
James? Was it a ghost? Or was it some madman living in the woods killing people who got close to discover his secrets.
Or maybe it was something more sinister than both of those things.
"I see you-----you can't hide----"
The voice is forced. Then I hear the words, "Jarvis, Jarvis...I'm going to RIP YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT!
"AH!"
I wake up with a headache.
~
I'm safe. People are here surrounding me. I'm not in the Dead Forest. Had I been dreaming about it all? Had something happened? I'm outside the cabin and a bunch of people is around me. I'm surprised however at the first face I see...Omari. He has a first aid kit out and had a thermometer in my mouth. He's taking my temperature. All the other camp counselors have gathered around me and for a moment I feel kind of special. If all I had to do was faint to get Omari's attention I probably would have done it a long time ago.
"How you feelin' bro?"
"Like shit," I respond, "What happened?"
"You tell us," Alex states standing over Alex's shoulder, "Chad found you knocked out and is freaking out on everyone because we aren't serving Prince Jarvis up to his standards. Oh god...here he comes..."
The look on Alex's face says it all when Chad breaks through the crowd of counselors. I can see Alimah grabbing at his arm to calm him down but Chad isn't having any of it.
"He's up! He's up and no one thought it was OK to tell me?" Chad asks.
"Chad, calm down," Alimah is running up behind him to say, "Please."
He tries to take a deep breath. We've all seen it before: Mad Chad. Mad Chad was the Chad who didn't give a shit about rules or anyone else. He saw red in those moments and honestly it was kind of scary to see him lose control in the way he does. I've seen Chad in moments like this before and honestly, it seemed like Alimah was the only one who was able to get him out. Not even I had been able to calm him down.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" Omari asks me.
"Two..."
Two beautiful, manly fingers. Shivers are sent down my spine when he puts his hand up against my forehead. He has these deep eyes and when he looks down at me I swear it captures my entire soul.
I stare at Omari smiling at him and surprisingly he smiles back at me, "Looks like he's fine to me."
"Are you a fucking doctor? Don't look like a doctor to me. WHERE THE FUCK is the chopper?" Chad is demanding to look over at Alex.
When Chad demands the chopper I can see Alex and Page squirm a little.
"Chad you need to calm down before we write you up," Page states.
"Write me up? Excuse me?" he asks, "You're not even qualified for this job page. You only got it because you're sleeping with Mr. Johnson and everyone knew it...including James."
The awkwardness that falls over the camp is stifling really. He hadn't told a single lie but the thing was it was one of those camp secrets that everyone knew about but no one mentioned. Well, the cat was out of the bag and in Page's case her cat had been out of the bag for Mr. Johnson for quite some time. I shoot a look at Alimah who throws her hands up.
Alex tries once again to diffuse the situation, "Jarvis is fine. Helicopters are expensive. Do you know how much it costs the Johnsons to get a private helicopter?"
"I'll pay for it," Chad states, "Get him a helicopter."
"Relax Chad, he's not a pussy...he can deal with a little faint..." Anais budges in, probably in defense of Page.
Page was friends with Anais through her sister Liza. Now the thing is Anais ran the girls. Liza was the prettier, more popular Jordan sister and Page did everything she could to be down with her younger prettier sister and her sister's friend. Anais had a poor pawn in Page who had the lowest self-esteem of anyone that I'd ever met. I'd never thought Page was a good looking girl, but the low self-esteem made her even more unattractive than she already was in my opinion. I guess all that didn't matter to Mr. Johnson (the man who ran this place) because he'd come up to visit the camp many times just for an excuse to sleep with Page. The two Jessicas ---Robinson and Payton were so far up her ass that at times I wondered if they had minds of their owns or if they just spent their days trying to find a warmer spot in her ass cheek. It had taken a long time for Anais to take over this camp but I had to admit that she'd done it masterfully.
"Don't tell me what my friend needs to feel better Anais," Chad throws his anger around, "I remember when you were got so high that you started crying because you couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is."
Anais starts crying almost immediately. The girl knew how to play the victim. And the crazy thing is it works. I see Page, Liza and the other girls gathering around her like little chickens. They were making a big deal about it and how Chad hurt her feelings. You would think she was the one who had fainted. Alimah struggles to stop herself from laughing. So does Jessica Robinson but all it takes is for Anais to throw her attention over to Jessica Robinson in the slightest way for Robinson to stop talking almost immediately.
I'm so out of it that I don't know how to respond to any of this. Chad was having a little shout fest cursing everyone out, Anais was crying and I still had no idea how the hell I passed out.
"Yo bro you need to calm down," Omari states.
"Who's gonna make me?" Omari asks.
Somehow they butt chests together. I have to admit it's a bit of a turn on even though I'm freshly out of comatose. Two strong, masculine men butting heads like bulls was a good day for me in any form. I could only imagine they just get naked and start oil wrestling at this point to top it all off for me.
The moment Chad bumps Omari's chest I know it has gone across the line though. I'd had to spend many a night dragging my friend out of a bar for knocking someone's teeth out. Omari didn't look like he'd take the beating laying down though like the drunks Chad was used to fighting.
Omari grunts, "You don't fuckin know me, man. You don't...I'd warn you to back the fuck up."
That's when the shove happens. I'm not sure who shoves who first but they get into this big shoving match. Omari's friends try to pull him back and it takes almost everyone else to try to pull Chad back.
"That's it," Page says, "You crossed the line. I'm writing you up Chad..."
I think I hear several choice words coming out of Chad's mouth but for the most part, people start disbursing as Page and Alex take Chad inside to write him up. I'm left sitting there with no one but Alimah.
She gives me a look and smiles at me, "I was worried about you. Are you OK?"
It's funny how when everyone leaves it's only my real friends who were ready to go to bat for me. She holds out her hand taking over for Omari who had been dragged away by Elias and Shaquille back to the boys' lodge probably to cool off.
"Something like that," I shrug, "What's up with Omari playing doctor?"
"He says that he has a lot of anatomy experience," she shrugs, "I don't think you seemed to mind at all."
I shrug and smile coyly, "No complaints, fareal."
She smiles, "You're a good guy, Jarvis. You deserve every bit of attention and more, but I am concerned about what made you faint in the first place."
"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me."
"Try me."
"I think I saw the face of the boy underneath the hood."
Alimah's face gets white, which is a strange thing because her tan Native skin was almost always glowing a golden hue. She crosses her arms while looking at me. She doesn't say anything for that moment and I'm left wondering if maybe I should repeat myself.
After a few awkward minutes of silence, I turn to her and shrug, "Did you hear me?"
"I heard you."
"Well..."
"Well, what?"
"What do you think?"
She pauses again.
"I think you should take Chad up on his offer to get a chopper and get out of here," she states, "Get your head checked out."
She turns and starts walking away.
"You don't believe me?" I call out after her.
She turns back to me, "No I do. And that's more reason you should leave..."
~
I'm freaked out that night in the Mesh Hall. I barely touch my food. I'm fiddling with a note.
"What's that?" Alimah asks.
"Someone left me a note on my nightstand."
"Oooo. You should open it," Alimah snickers.
"Probably just some get well thing."
Things are tense in camp for an entirely different reason though. The little altercation between Chad and Omari was still fresh on everyone's mind.
"Fuck the note. Eat," Chad says.
"I don't need you to be my damn daddy all the time----" I start.
"Eat..." he repeats even more firmly.
I had to admit I liked it sometimes when he got like that. I smile a little bit when he's not looking. Chad was closed off. He didn't care much about a lot of people but he was very protective over the people who were in his life. It's what I loved about him. Maybe that's why I decide to take a few gulps of food down, enough to get him off my back but not enough to stop the queasiness in my stomach.
"You're so charming," Alimah states, "You turned the entire camp against you."
Chad shrugs, "I'm concerned about my best friend. I'd do the same thing for you when we have our first kids and you're pregnant and vulnerable."
Alimah rolls her eyes, "No means no. Hashtag Me Too Movement."
"That's inappropriate, Alimah," Chad asks as though he knew the first thing about appropriateness, "Besides, weren't you concerned that I was going to be popular and leave you two in the dust because I had abs now?"
"She said that?" I ask.
Alimah admits it openly, "Chad had an ego before. I couldn't imagine what he would be like now...."
"Well now we know," I say with a smile, "Chad is still one of the best friends a boy could have."
"I'd do anything for you to make you smile," he assures me, "Anything."
"Yo----real talk, I swear people are going to think you two are together if this becomes any gayer," Alimah looks legitly annoyed at that moment.
"I don't give a shit. Something happened to my friend out there. After what happened to James..."
"Speaking of James, did you tell him what you told me?" Alimah asks.
Chad looks over at me intently. I look down at the ground.
"I think I saw the face of the boy in the hood."
"This bullshit again," Chad rolls his eyes.
"No seriously."
"What he look like?" Chad asks.
"I can't remember. I remember just blacking out," I state.
Chad takes a deep breath. He seems to pace himself at that moment trying to take credence to what he was thinking about.
"I got a chopper coming out here first thing to take you to a proper hospital and get you proper medical care, not some down-low closeted brotha who wants to play doctor," He assures me, "Really though Jar, you don't have to come back if you don't want to."
He thinks I'm concerned. He thinks I'm worried. I knew Chad well enough to know that's the only reason he would be acting like that.
"Maybe I should consider that," I shrug, "I don't know. I've got weird vibes this time about camp. It's almost like...I don't know...something is in the air."
What was it?
I look through the walls of the mesh hall lounge out into the sea of trees in the distance. They are so thick. The other counselors are all getting to know each other sitting at one big table while me and my friends are sitting apart from the group. We aren't welcomed after what Chad pulled going off on everyone because of me. There is silence on our side of the mesh hall. It makes the Dead Forest outside just that eerier.
"Take your mind off of it," Alimah states, "Open your letter and relax."
I look down at the letter. I'd forgotten I had it.
I open it and read.
"It says: Almost losing you was probably the moment that I realized that I want you the most out of everything. I can't tell you who I am yet, not until I must the strength to admit what I want...even though it seems impossible. Anonymous."
I"m confused at the letter, "What the hell was that?"
It's Alimah who smiles and answers, "Looks like you have a secret admirer..."
~
To call the note a distraction was an understatement. I'm standing there pacing at night time. Chad is on the top bunk looking down at me. He has this worried look on his face.
"You making me want to go pee pacing back and forth like that all night," he states, "That's my peeing ritual."
"Sorry to steal your sacred ritual, I have to figure out my life," I state.
"You get a note and you lose your shit," Chad states crossing his arms, "Did you forget you fainted today?"
He had a point, but then again I was so excited the point didn't matter, "What if it's him..."
"Who?"
"You know who..."
I was talking about Omari and it was pretty clear at this point from how excited I was getting. Chad hangs his feet off of the bed.
"It's not him."
"How can you be sure?"
"He's a closet case. We went over this before," Chad explains, "Guys like him grow up to be republicans and say they have problems with gay marriage because they suppressed their sexuality to the point that they hate themselves and any reflection of what they are deep in their souls."
I pause, "Damn that was deep."
"I'm the black Shakespeare," He shrugs.
"Oh, damn. Well then point me to my Romeo. If it wasn't him then who?"
Chad shrugs, "Sometimes the thing you're looking for is right in front of you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
I start pacing again.
"Listen I don't have all the answers and here you go with the pee dance ritual again," he realizes out loud, "Goddamit. I gotta go pee now. I'll be right back."
He hops off his top bunk and heads out leaving me alone wondering if I had to pee or not. I keep pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and----
"You dropped this..."
The voice comes from behind me. I'm hesitant to turn around but when I do HE is standing there. Omari. I get as stuck like a stone standing there. My hands immediately start sweating. I'm breathing heavy. Omari looks at me. Our eyes connect in this powerful fucking way and I'm left speechless. It's almost as though Chad's pee ritual summoned him here somehow.
Or maybe he's been waiting to have a conversation with me about this note. He holds the note in his hands for a minute.
"Was it you?" he asks.
"What?"
I am too nervous, "Listen I may be leaving this place tomorrow and not coming back. So I'm not going to beat around the bush because the bush is about to be cut down. So did you write it or not?"
He looks down at the note. He reads it. Then he looks back up at me with those questioning eyes.
"You think I wrote this----to you?" he asks.
The sound of his voice when he questions me says everything I needed to hear. And here I was stuck out on a limb because I didn't listen to Chad in the first place when he said that it wasn't Omari. I look over at Omari and I swear to God I don't get how a man can be this attractive. I guess because of my attraction I wished it was him but it was very clear now the truth behind that matter.
"I just asked a question," I state feeling this heavy sense of rejection before trying to retreat like a goddam coward, "Can I have your letter back yet?"
"I didn't write it. And sure, here, don't want the writer to get jealous because I came over here," he states, "Just wanted to check on you. How are you feeling?"
"Good..."
Awkward. It's awkward.
"I...uh...listen, just because of my situation doesn't reflect on you in any way," he explains, "You're dope as fuck and I swear if my situation was different----"
"You can make your situation different."
I can't believe that I cut him off like that. The little bit of hope and deliberation in his voice is enough to send me completely over the edge. I was obsessed with this boy in a way that wasn't healthy and truthfully I needed to back off.
"You don't get it," he states, "You never will. You don't have a father who taught you how to swim by throwing you into the ocean. You don't have a father that would only allow you to watch football and army movies growing up. You don't have a father who beat the gay out of you because you just smiled at another little boy the wrong way----"
He was aggressive. I can see the emotion pouring out of him like a faucet. Because he was so emotional he was getting loud. He wasn't screaming at me directly in any way but Chad circles around the corner in a hurry and I knew what it could be perceived like.
"Whoa, what's going on here?" Chad interrupts, "Round 2 mothafucka?"
This time though it looks like fighting with Chad is the last thing on Omari's mind. He slaps the note on Chad's chest, "Here goes the letter back that you wrote."
Omari saying this was a clear allegation. He walks past Chad and leaves the room. I've left a little confusion.
"You wrote that?"
There is a pause.
Then out of nowhere, Chad shrugs and says, "Um..."
What's strange is at this moment I'm even more pleasantly surprised that it is Chad who might have written the letter than I was with Omari. This pleasant smile spreads across my face and I get all excited without even fully thinking.
"Chad was it you who wrote that letter?"
"Do you want it to be me right now? Would that make you feel any better?" He asks, "I can like...I dunno, be your gay crush if that makes you feel better right now..."
I push past him.
I'm irritated. I'm irritated because he knows damn well what I'm asking him and he's playing around with it. That's what Chad does best.
He corners me though.
"Move Chad."
"Wait, ok...I didn't write it, but my question still stands. Did you want me to write a letter?" Chad asks, "Are you...into me like that?"
The question is something that I wasn't prepared for. Was I? For some reason, I had to admit I got excited about the idea that it could have been Chad in the same way that I had gotten in the idea that the note was written by Omari.
Why?
Why did the idea of Chad writing it excite me in the way that it did?
"I need some air..."
"Wait, let's finish this...I want to finish this conversation," Chad offers.
I try to escape him. Partially out of embarrassment but partially because I felt fucking stupid. I'm outside getting fresh air. The lake is shimmering bright at that moment and I'm looking out towards the moon shining overhead. Everything is beautiful tonight. The mist has let up just enough for me to feel the moonlight.
I knew that the moonlight affected the pull of the current. That's what my life was beginning to feel like now: some sort of current. I was pulled from my crush on Omari to this weird attraction that I was beginning to feel for my best friend Chad.
I was excited that it could have been Chad...
What the hell did that mean?
Was I in love with my best friend?
"Shouldn't you be resting," Alimah asks.
That's when I see Alimah. She'd been smoking weed. I can smell it off her, but whatever she was smoking was long gone. Now she was probably outside waiting until the smell of weed got off of her.
"You won't believe my night girl," I tell her.
"Let me guess. You thought Chad wrote the letter and you confronted him?" she asks, "Only to find out that he didn't write it, but also you probably realized that you have been suppressing some feelings that you had for your best friend because you are afraid it'll ruin our relationship with him forever?"
I look at Alimah.
"How the hell did you know that?"
"Because I know you," Alimah responds, "And because I'm in a similar situation."
I'm confused, "What?"
Alimah looks over at me and answers, "I wrote the letter."
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