RA Adventures (C) KV 2003
If you're offended by sexual activities between men, or if you're younger than 18, you're not supposed to be here. If you're over 18 and meant to be here, please, kick back, relax and enjoy! The author reserves all rights. Individual copies of this story may be downloaded for personal use, but may not be reproduced without the author's express consent.
Also, this story is rather void of gratuitous sex, so if you're looking for a quick wank, you'd probably be more satisfied reading elsewhere -- just as a warning.
Chapter 18
Clint decided that a nap was in order after all the festivities. He was right. Having so many people around is fun, but can be to tally draining. There are just too many emotions usually crammed into not enough time to process them all.
Still in my clean-up mode, I decided to tackle the kitchen, which was suffering from a case of leftovers and take-out containers with a weekend of neglect to top it all off. I consolidated, re-containerized and threw away. Our refrigerator looked positively pathetic once I had finished with it. I then managed to get my hands completely soapy in dishwater when I heard my cell phone's shrill beeping coming from my room, on the opposite end of the apartment. I knew Clint hadn't closed the door to his room, so I grabbed the dish towel and dried my hands quickly as I sprinted back to my room.
"Hello," I answered a little breathlessly.
"Just run a marathon, or am I interrupting something?" came back Matt's familiar voice.
"Hey man! I was actually going to call you today."
"Right. Anyway, who are you doing tonight?"
"You'll have to do, I guess," I said, smiling into the phone.
"Cool. How about dinner?" he asked.
"Dude, I've eaten enough the past couple of days to feed a small country," I said, "but I'll go with you if you want to eat."
"Nah, I'll just make myself a sandwich. How about Fenian's?"
Fenian's was our local "Irish" pub. The music was always too loud, but we enjoyed it. Matt had introduced me to it shortly after we had met, and I hadn't been in quite some time.
"Works for me. Want me to meet you there?"
"I'll swing by your place around eight," he said.
"Great. See you then."
"Later, bro."
I hung up and finished up before deciding in favor of a nap of my own.
I slept much longer than I intended, and getting up felt like trying to pull myself out of another dimension. The house was completely dark and quiet as a tomb, which didn't help matters either. I stumbled into the kitchen, flipping on lights along the way. I poured myself a glass of water in an attempt to wake myself up.
As I shut the fridge, our little dry erase board caught my attention.
Kev, Have a good nap?
Went out for a while. Be back
Later. Call if you need me.
C
"Went out," it read. Hmmmph. I shrugged and wandered back to my room.
A shower it was going to have to be if I had any hope of properly rejoining the land of the here and now. I shut the door to my room and turned on some music before stepping into the bathroom.
I walked back out to Foo Fighters. It was a compilation CD I had pulled together from songs off the internet. It made me smile and I sang along as I got dressed. I did manage to catch myself carrying on in the mirror and burst into hysterics. I felt so incredibly stupid. I vowed to never sing in public again unless accompanied or quite drunk.
There was a knock at the front door and I ran down the hall in socks and boxers and opened the door without thinking.
"Hope you're not planning on going out like that," Matt said, smiling.
The cold wind whipped through the door and assaulted my bare skin. My nipples hardened instantly. I ushered him in quickly and shut the door. Matt tweaked one of my nips on the way by and we both laughed.
I hugged him and the outside of his clothes was cool to the touch.
"What time is it?" I asked as I walked back to my room. Matt pulled off his coat and followed me back.
"Seven o'clock," he said, sitting down in front of my computer.
"Did we say seven?" I asked. I was fairly sure we hadn't, but I had been rather out-of- it.
"No, but I got tired of waiting," he said, grinning up at me.
"That's cool. I just woke up a little while ago and I feel like I tried to dig myself out of a grave."
He laughed. "Where's Clint?"
"Out, or so the note said. I'm not sure. His parents and family were here all weekend."
"For graduation, I assume?"
"Yeah. It was crazy, but we had a good time," I said.
"So I guess you guys are getting along okay, then, huh?"
"Very well," I said, and it struck me as an odd question. Realization, though, quickly rained down on me and I was rather struck by the thought. "Tell me we've talked since that night."
He shook his head. "Aw dude!" I said, "I'm so sorry!"
"Don't be. I am too. We both just got busy. It's the time of the year."
I pulled on a black sweater and I was ready.
"Shall we?" I asked.
"Let's," he said. "You look nice."
"Thanks man."
Fenian's was pretty empty. Then again, it was early and a weeknight. Matt and I were the youngest by a good twenty years. We sat down at a corner table and ordered drinks.
"No ciggies?" Matt asked after a few minutes, noticing I hadn't lit up. I had never been a heavy smoker, but a bar was one place that usually brought it out in me.
"I pretty much quit before Thanksgiving," I said. "Got tired of waking up tasting them."
He smiled. "Good for you."
I took a second and looked him over. His red curls were gelled to perfection and the green in his eyes stood out sharply against his skin. He looked edible, as always.
"You look really good," I said finally.
"Thanks!"
"So catch me up. What's been going on? What's new? How'd your internship at the hospital go?"
"Good. The internship was good. I learned a ton of stuff. It made me feel kinda stupid," he said.
"Did you enjoy it?"
"Oh yeah. It's for sure what I want to do."
"That's reassuring. So how's Michelle?"
"Well, *that's a whole other story."
I finished my beer and ordered us both another round. Matt and Michelle didn't have the perfect relationship, but they had been together for a long time and had been through a lot. The very fact that he even mentioned trouble in paradise was serious.
"Spill it," I said.
"You remember the Mainz program?" he asked. I, of course, did. Mainz was a little city in western Germany where our college had an exchange program. Matt and I had taken German together in college. It came easy for us both, but he had gone the extra mile with it.
"You got it?" I asked. Only one student per year got accepted.
He nodded. "Yeah, but she's not as thrilled as I am."
"Congratulations!" I said. "You've been wanting it since you heard about it freshman year. And sure she's not happy. You'll be gone for a year."
"Thanks bro," he said, flashing me his pearly whites. "It's not just that. She wants to settle down here, close to her mom and dad. She *maybe wants to travel a little, but she definitely doesn't want to live anywhere else.
Matt was always talking about travel and Europe. For as long as I had known him, he watched only the Travel Channel on TV. In fact, we had met when he chatted me up in my dorm one day after finding out I had lived overseas for several years. He had wanted to know everything about it.
"And what do you want?" I asked. I knew, but I wanted to play it easy.
"What do you think? Kev, I've been dreaming about this forever and I'm sorry, but I don't want to live here for the rest of my life."
"So you're going," I confirmed.
"In September. You know it."
"That's fine and good, but it sounds like a deal breaker, bud."
"I'm starting to think so, too," he said. "I mean, I love her to death, but I'm starting to think we want different things."
"That's valid. I'm sorry, though. I know it's got to be tough."
"We've been at it a lot lately, it seems like."
"Why didn't you call?" I asked.
"I did," he said and smiled. Our second round was long gone and we ordered a third. I was going to have to move this party back to the house before too long, or I'd drink my checkbook away.
"So are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he said. "How about you?"
"I've just been busy. I'm all right."
"So I take it you're not moving out?"
"Oh gosh. I guess I do need to fill you in."
I went over my conversation with Clint from when I'd gotten back to the house that night and what he'd said about our friendship.
"So he asked you to stay?"
"Yeah. I kept saying no. Then he kissed me."
Matt choked on his Bailey's and spent the next minute coughing and trying to clear his throat.
"So he's gay?!" he asked a little too loudly.
"Geezus. Think you could say that any louder? The guy in the next room didn't hear you."
"Sorry," he asked, his eyes still red and watery from coughing. He called the water over and asked for a glass of water.
"Anyway, I don't think he is," I said. "We've been pretty much normal since then."
"Why would he kiss you?" he asked, almost appalled sounding.
"Oh c'mon, I'm not *that bad of a kisser."
I actually succeeded in making him blush. I ate it up.
"He said he just had to know," I said.
"But that's it?"
"Sort of. He said it wasn't totally out of the question but that he wasn't ready to make any commitments of affection."
"English?" he asked, eyebrows raised.
"We haven't said anything else about it and we've sort of just gone on like normal."
"Like nothing happened?" he asked.
"Well, I'm not sure. We've definitely been getting along well. Like nothing happened only in the sense that our relationship for sure isn't romantic right now. We've gotten closer, but it hasn't been like that."
He thought about this for a while. I could tell the drinks were starting to get to me. We'd switched to hard stuff after the first round, and I, in typical fashion, was getting loose in the tongue.
"Do you have any clue what you're doing?" he asked.
"His mom wants me to go down to Florida after Christmas to be with them. I haven't talked to my parents about it yet."
"Kevin, do you know what you're doing?"
I felt a little queasy. That was the big question I'd been trying to avoid asking myself. I had managed to forget that it was unusual, that there was anything that needed to be thought about.
"I know I'm just taking it one day at a time, Matthew," I said.
"I don't want you to get hurt," he said, putting his hand over mine.
"I know. I'm trying to be smart with my emotions, but I can't dwell on it. I just have to take it easy."
"What if he never changes? How long are you going to wait around to see that nothing's happening?"
Hurt flooded through me. Matt knew me too well to be pushing buttons like that. I don't think he knew or realized what he was saying. I stayed quiet as I fished out my wallet.
"It's a risk. Always is, but I'm willing to take it," I said and got up and walked over to the bar and paid the tab. I put on my coat and walked outside. Matt followed me a couple of minutes later.
"I'm sorry," he said after a minute.
"For what, Matt?"
"For hurting you. I didn't realize..." he trailed off.
"I'm sorry for being so dramatic," I said. "You know what hurt? It wasn't that you nipped it in the bud. That was probably smart. It was that you didn't want to risk it. It made me feel like I wasn't worth it."
"I'd have risked anything for you, Kevin. It was never that you weren't good enough, and you know that."
"What then?" I asked. I was making him go through the whole spiel again and I hated it.
"It's that having a romance with you wasn't worth the possibility of losing you. Neither one of us was in a position to make it work, and that's never been the nature of our relationship."
"I'm sorry. I know that and you are right. Take me home, bud," I said, handing him my car keys. He put his hand on the back of my neck and looked into my eyes. I was immediately sorry I'd made a fuss about it. I hated doing that. He slowly grinned at shoved me a little.
"What?" I asked.
"You're an ass."
"I know," I said.
"It's okay. I've known for a while."
"Thank God!" We were both smiling by this point.
We pulled into my parking lot and I searched around for his Trans Am.
"Hey, where's your car?"
A shit-eating grin plastered itself on his face and gave him away.
"You've been waiting all night for this, haven't you?" I asked.
"Uh huh."
"What'd you get?" I asked, trying hard not to smile.
"Come see," he said getting out and tossing me my keys. We walked over to a shiny new silver Nissan Xterra. It was perfect. He opened the doors and I slid in.
"You do this?" I asked.
"No. Mom and Bill's congrats for Germany."
"Oh right, so you can leave it in mothballs for a year."
He grinned. "Yeah, I don't think they thought about that part."
"She's gorgeous, dude," I said, clapping him on the shoulder.
"You like it, huh?"
"Oh yeah. Let me take her for a spin?"
"When you're sober?" he asked, teasing me.
"Of course."
"Of course," he echoed.
"Oh!" I said, "That reminds me. Can you take me and Christi to the airport on Tuesday morning?"
"Going to Boston?" he asked.
"Nope. Just leaving at the same time."
"Sure, be glad to."
"You're the best," I said.
"I know," he grinned smugly, making me laugh.
"Night, bud," I said.
"Enjoyed it. A lot," he said.
"Me too. Let's do something after Christmas," I said.
"Assuming you're not in Florida, sure," he said, knowing look and grin firmly in place. "Call me tomorrow and remind me about Tuesday."
"Great. Night."
"Night, Kev."
When I woke up Monday morning, Clint was already up and at 'em, grabbing things from around the house.
"Top 'o the morning to ya," he said, when he spotted me.
"Hey," was the most I could manage. I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and poured myself some orange juice. Coffee and I didn't mix well in general, much less in the mornings. As such, there was nothing like a little citrus to get my brain moving.
I followed Clint back to his room and sat down on the bed next to his suitcase.
"What time is your flight again?" I asked, desperately trying to clear the cobwebs from my consciousness.
"Two o'clock," he said, folding a shirt and cramming it into his already full suitcase.
"How early do you want to be there?"
"I figured we could leave here at a quarter to one in case there's any traffic."
"If there is, we'll be cutting it kind of close, don't you think?" I asked. Sure, it shouldn't be bad, but it was a Monday, and the one before Christmas and around lunch time, to top it off. It had potential to be slow.
"Maybe so. Twelve thirty?"
"Cool."
That gave me a few hours yet. For whatever reason, I was nervous for Clint. Either that or the OJ wasn't settling too well. I was betting on the former. At least I wasn't goin to be sitting around our apartment alone. Of course, if Martina had it her way, I'd be lounging in Ft. Lauderdale with the rest of them. I wanted to go rather badly, but I felt so selfish for even seriously considering it. And yet...
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
"Nothing. Just waking up." I rubbed my eyes and ruffled my hair. "I'm gonna go shower."
"Kay," he said. "Hey! Have you seen that American Eagle bag anywhere?" he asked.
I turned around in the doorway fingering the waistband on my boxers.
"The last place I remember seeing it was in the hall closet next to the hot water heater."
"Hall closet. That's right! Thanks."
"Sure," I called from the bathroom before I shut the door. I hadn't planned for that day at all. Everything had revolved around holiday activities with so little thought about what it was all for. Christmas had always been my favorite holiday. It was the perfect time to take stock of the previous year and think about what's really important. Christmas was about people, and one of my most important people was about to leave and I hadn't prepared. Sure, his gift was in the closet ready for him, but I hadn't had time to appreciate or assimilate everything that had happened over the previous several months. Usually I had Christmas cards for all my closest friends telling them the things you get away with at Christmas because cheesy is just part of it. This year they were all still blank and accumulating dust on my desk. I thought about trying to write one for Clint before we left, but the more I tried to visualize what it would say, the less I wanted to rush the process. Choosing my words carefully was my trademark, and I had too much to say to mess it all up with a rush job, even if the words were few. I'd just have to mail it.
As I got dressed I ran through a dozen potential scenarios in my head for how to say goodbye and still let him know that he meant a lot to me. I was like some stupid computer running simulations. In the end, I decided to live in the moment and just go with my feelings.
I finished getting ready and glanced at my alarm clock. Still one hour left to go. I couldn't' decide what to do with myself. I popped a Christmas music compilation CD I had picked up and decided to try to relax a little and get a grip on emotions that were welling up inside me. Every son g made me smile as I thought of home, of being with my parents and sister, but nothing quite got rid of that little something that bit at my throat. Maybe over Christmas I could talk to my sister, Cindy, and sort through it all. She was always such a good listener with a keen intuition. Maybe I could find my legs to stand on again.
Clint's cologne tickled my nose and I turned around to see him in a black turtleneck and jeans.
"Knock, knock," he said as he leaned against the door frame.
"C'mon in," I said. He did and sat neatly on the corner of my bed. "Got it all packed?" I asked.
"Yup. Just barely. I couldn't' decide what to pack. It's the first time we've actually spent Christmas in Florida. I have no clue how hot or cold it gets."
"Well, there are always stores there if you really don't have something you need," I said and smiled.
"Yeah, I guess it's not like I'm going to some third world country. What's up with you?" he asked.
"Nothing. Just kind of taking a minute. I haven't really thought about Christmas at all and it's like three days away. I feel sort of unprepared."
"You prepare for Christmas?!"
"You know what I mean. I gear up for it, think about things, about people. I haven't done any of that this year."
"Yeah," he said, "it's been crazy busy since before Thanksgiving. We haven't really had much of a chance to talk in a while."
"I know." Some other day I would have probably tried to make it easier on him by offering some explanation about how we were both busy -- something he could just agree with. As I sat there looking at him that afternoon, though, I just wanted to see what he had to say. I wanted his unprompted thoughts.
"Anyway," he continued, "I guess...I don't know." He looked down at his knees.
"What?" I asked.
"I just... Thanks. For everything."
"Clint," I said, "it's not like you held a gun to my head or anything. I help out when I can because I want to."
"I know. That's what I'm thankful for. I see the way you do little things. It's not so much the huge things; it's more how you act in the little situations."
"That's what friends are for, right? To be there when it counts and not just out of a sense of obligation."
"Yeah. You take the friendship thing seriously, don't you?"
I grinned. "You could say that."
He reached into the coat he had lain on my bed and fished out a box, neatly wrapped in silver paper. I felt my face flushing in spite of myself.
"Look, I just wanted to get you something. I don't know if it's you or not."
I took it from his outstretched hand and just looked at the box. I didn't know whether to unwrap it in front of him then or not.
"C'mon, open it," he said, smiling. I could see the twinkle of anticipation in his eyes. I couldn't help but smile back. I decided that if I was going to unwrap a gift, I wasn't going to be the only one. I got up and slid open the closet door and reached in to where I knew the little box was wrapped in metallic blue and handed it to him.
The Christmas bonus had been nice that year and I hadn't been able to pass up his gift when I had seen it walking through campus one day. I watched his expression and the smile curl his lips.
"You first," he said. I grinned and rolled my eyes before unwrapping the box. Inside was a sweet-looking Seiko watch. I hadn't ever seen this particular one before. It was a titanium band and consequently very light.
"It's one of those kinetic powered deals," he said.
"Dude! It's awesome. I've been wanting one forever."
"Glad you like."
"Yup. Perfect. Anyway, your turn."
He looked down at the box and managed to remove all the paper in one swift motion. I was impressed. From the plain white box he removed a velvet covered black box. He quickly cut his eyes to mine...the typical 'what-did-you-get-me' look. He opened it and pulled out the solid gold class ring.
"Kev -- dude! These things cost a mint!"
"See if it fits," I said.
He slid it on, and as luck would have it, it was perfect.
"What'd you steal a ring to size it with?" he asked.
"Nah, just measured one."
"I can't believe you got this."
"Well, it seemed appropriate for a graduation slash Christmas present."
He stood up and pulled me into a firm hug. He smelled intoxicatingly good and felt so warm against me. He let me go and we locked eyes. I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I just couldn't make myself. Clint's hand had never left my side.
"I'm glad you didn't move out," he said.
"Me too."
He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "Ready to go?" he asked.
"Yeah." My heart was pounding and I wanted the moment to last so much.
It seemed like we were forever jumping from one fleeting moment to another. At least that's how it felt to me. For a split second my heart would open and then the void left after it was over would leave me aching and empty, like some gaping hole in my soul. The thing of it was that the more I knew Clint, and each progressive time that happened, the more convinced I became that he was the exact shape that fit that void. The more convinced I became, the more each moment was like the last breath I'd ever breathe. I didn't want to miss any detail, any nuance. If for the rest of my life nobody ever filled that gap, then I wanted to remember what it had felt like. Throughout my life I knew how to store the important moments away in my memory so that I could think about them in the future. This one was no exception.
Clint must have seen a change in the expression on my face, and he paused when he did.
"Whatcha thinking about?" he asked.
I shook my head and gave him a half grin. "Nothing. C'mon, we'd better get out of here or you'll be late."
"Kay. Let me grab my stuff."
"Need a hand?" I asked.
"Since you're offering..."
I smiled and followed him back into his room. He had a large suitcase, a gym bag, and one of those pilot bag things, with the obligatory back-pack. I grabbed as much as I could carry and Clint picked up the rest. Between the two of us, we only needed one trip.
Traffic was about what I had expected for a Monday -- busy. I was glad we'd given ourselves enough time. I knew Clint had connections in Atlanta, so I wanted him to have every chance of making our leg of the trip on time. It wasn't that there was so much traffic all over, but there were just areas one could get stuck in for any quantity of time. As luck would have it, we never had the horrible stop-and-go stuff that can sometimes accompany a lunch-hour-ish drive across town.
We found surprisingly good parking in the airport, which meant that we didn't have far to walk. Once we were inside, I helped Clint get all his gear up to the counter so he could check in. Everything went perfectly smoothly. No delays, no unusual questions, no forgotten tickets. Of course, it wasn't like he was flying across the world. Different culture notwithstanding, New England wasn't another country.
"That's the sucky thing about airports now," he said after we'd left the check-in counter.
"What's that?"
"Well, you get here early *in case anything happens. If anything does, you're glad you had a little time to play with. But, if everything is slick, then you have time to kill and it's not like your friends can go sit with you at the gate anymore."
I laughed. "Yeah, I know what you mean," I said. "Look, we'll just sit over in the waiting area for a while. It's not like I've got to be home in half an hour or anything."
"No hot date tonight?" he asked smiling.
"Actually, no," I said, and we both laughed. "I'm having dinner with Christi, and then Matt's taking us to the airport in the morning. So, other than packing and eating, I'm good to go."
"Oh cool. Tell Chris I said hello."
"I will," I said. "Oh! I almost forgot. When are you flying back in?"
"Duh! I guess that would have been good information to give you. Hold up, I think I have my itinerary in here somewhere."
He fished through his backpack and leafed through some papers before finally producing the one he was looking for.
"I get back at nine o'clock on Tuesday the seventh."
"Can you call and remind me?" I asked. "I'm never going to remember that."
"Sure," Clint smiled as he put the paper back in its place. "Hey, why don't you go on home. I'll be fine here. I can always buy a paper or something."
"Should have grabbed a book from home, dude. It's not like we don't have any."
"Yeah, yeah. Go on."
I smiled back at him. "Have a great time, bro. Get some rest, chill with the fam, think about anything but here."
"Sounds awesome. Merry Christmas, Kev."
"Merry Christmas, Clint. Tell your family 'hey' for me.""
"Will do. You do the same."
"All right. See you on the ninth, then," I said as I pulled my car keys out of my pocket. I always did that when I needed something to do with my hands, and always felt stupid when I walked *all the way through the parking lot with them out.
"The seventh," he said.
"Whenever."
"C'mere," he said and pulled me into a tight hug. I immediately thought about the people around us before I decided they could all go screw themselves and hugged him back. I hugged him like I meant it, and of course, I did. I clapped him on the side lightly before he let me go.
I grinned, I imagine, like I had just found a piece of my favorite candy. "Have a safe flight," I said.
"You too. I'll call you tomorrow night."
"Sweet. Later," I said.
"Bye."
Over the course of the weekend I didn't have as much free time as even my most conservative estimates had allowed, so Christi and I ended up having to settle for a quick dinner before she flew out again for Boston and before I left for home.
I picked her up at her hotel early that evening and we quickly decided on our old fall- back: Little Tokyo - the most authentic Japanese in town. The hostess sat us immediately and handed us the sushi cards and menus. We quietly sat, filling out our cards. I didn't know how to break the ice that seemed to have formed or exactly what I wanted to discuss.
"Okay, this is stupid," she finally said. "Who goes first?"
"After you," I said. "Tell me about Boston, what have you been doing? Or better yet, who?"
"Wouldn't you like to know." She winked at me as the waitress returned and took our orders.
"Boston's fine. It's cold, like I said, and it's big."
"Tell me you're not complaining."
"About the cold? Yes. I love being back in a city, though," she said.
"That's my girl. At least you went ahead and got out of here."
"I'm sure you're turn is coming. Besides, you're the one who took a job here."
"Comfort of the familiar?"
She smiled. "And as for who..." My eyes snapped up. "His name is Matthew."
"Matthew. Okay. What's he like?"
"He's great, of course. He's very sweet and knows just how to talk to me. He reminds me a lot of you, actually."
"Really?" I asked. "That's kinda weird. Kind of cool, but kind of weird."
"Yes. We met through some friends in New York. I had gone up to see a show and he was in the group of people I went with."
"Cute?"
"Precious," she beamed. I had never heard her call a guy precious and I couldn't decide what that meant in terms of his looks. *I, for one, wouldn't ever choose 'precious' as my descriptive word of choice for myself. I doubted Matthew would either.
"How long have you been together?" I asked.
"A month."
I did the math. "Wow, that was fast."
"Yeah, it happened all of a sudden," she said.
"Guess so. So you like him?"
"A lot. I mean, as much as you can like someone in a month."
"So should I expect a ring in your near future?" I teased.
"Fortunately in Boston time tables slow down on the marriage front."
"So he's from Boston?" I asked.
"No, he's from Orlando, too."
"Seriously? That's bizarre. Did you know him?"
"No. We went to different schools. His parents live on the opposite side of town from mine."
"Speaking of marriages, though," I changed the subject back, "Did you know Darren is getting married next month?" 'D' as we called him, and I had grown up together with Ryan and Keith.
"Seriously? That's insane. Who's he marrying?" she asked.
"Elizabeth."
"Our Elizabeth? How long have they been dating?"
"A couple of years," I said.
"Crazy. How about this? I found out on Friday night that two of my girlfriends are getting married this summer."
"What's with people?" I asked, grinning.
"I don't know. I think it's in the water, though. You should get a filter. I'm surprised *you're not already hitched."
I laughed. "Nah, couldn't get over you," I said.
"Glad I'm heading back to Boston!"
"Which brings me to my next question: when are you coming to visit again?" I asked.
"Definitely in the summer, if not sooner. I'll be here for Kim's wedding. Carrie is getting married in Baton Rouge."
"We'll at least have to do dinner again."
"At least," she emphasized. The waitress brought our food and we made fun of each other as we set up our sushi. Each of us had our own special recipe for mixing the soy sauce, wassabi and whatever other 'secret' ingredient we thought made our version better than anybody else's. I always passed on the wassabi and specially orderd my sushi without it.
"Still don't eat the green stuff?" Chris asked.
"Nope. Horseradish and me don't mix too well," I said, grinning.
"Glad to know *some things never change."
"Here's to that," I said as we toasted with our water glasses.
We finished our dinner and, despite the cold, decided to visit another of our old haunts - the Marble Slab Creamery. It was fairly close by and, luckily, they had indoor seating. We picked our cones and flavors and ate as slowly as our frozen tongues would allow.
"So really, Kev. What's the love life situation?" Christi finally asked. She had let me sidestep the issue at dinner, but evidently thought I might have missed her subtle question, so she decided to be more straightforward. She also knew my reactions terribly well, and the longer I delayed, the more explaining I was going to have to do. I just hadn't told Chris anything about me liking guys, much less her ex-boyfriend.
"Guess I'm going to get more of an answer than I bargained for," she said, noting my hesitant silence.
"Well, that all depends."
"On what?" she asked.
"On how much detail you want to get into."
"You're so mysterious, Kevin. Okay, cut the smoke and tell me what's up."
"You're sure?"
"Good grief. Yes, positive."
"In a nutshell, it's non-existent."
"It took you that long to tell me there's nothing going on?! Whatever," she said, brushing me aside, "I'm not buying. Who is she?"
I laughed. "Well, see, that's just it."
Her face suddenly grew serious. "What is?" she asked.
"Okay. Well, if I'm going to be completely honest, it isn't a she."
"Oh phew! I thought you were going to say you were really still in love with me! I had laughed about it at dinner and I never thought you could really be serious." She was stalling. I knew her pretty well, too. "What do you mean it's not a she?" she finally ended her rambling.
"I like guys, Chris. I thought you might have figured that out already."
"What do you mean? You can't be gay. What about us?" she asked, pointing from me to her and back several times.
"When I was in love with you, it was all the way: mind, body and soul."
"So see, you aren't gay. You were in love with a girl."
I smiled. "Don't look at it so black and white," I started to say.
"Here we go with the analogies," she grinned, "I must be acting daft."
"Shut up. You know you want to hear it."
"That's the sick part. I actually do. Go ahead."
"I look at sexuality as a spectrum. On one end you have completely straight and on the other completely gay. Everything else is just somewhere along the spectrum...shades and variations. You follow?"
"So far..." she said.
"Okay. I think *very few people are actually at one of the poles. Most people tend to gravitate toward one or the other, but I'd say most of us float a little throughout our lives."
She thought about this for a moment; I could see the wheels turning.
"I mean, tell me honestly you've never even wondered what it would feel like to be with a girl. Not if you would or wouldn't do it, but tell me you've never even entertained the thought."
"Okay, I agree," she said. "So where are you on the line, then?"
"I'd say I fluctuate somewhat. I'm close to the middle, but I lean a little toward guys."
She nodded and I guessed she was just trying to let it all sink in. Most people think back and filter through everything they know about the person and try to connect the dots.
"Just think about it," I said. "I don't expect you to be perfect with it and I don't expect you to understand overnight."
"Kevin, here's the point," she said. "Sure it's new and I Jus need to process it, but I can tell you a couple of things now.
"First, I love you. You are one of the most spectacular humans I know, and that includes every bit of you. Secondly, I want you to be happy. If being with a guy makes you happy, then you being with a guy makes me happy. Just let me get used to the idea."
I smiled. "Thanks. That went better than I ever could have hoped."
She leaned over and kissed me. When she pulled back she left her hand on my cheek and just tried to read everything in my eyes. In days past we had been able to read each other so well we wondered if we couldn't actually read each other's minds.
"You should have told me sooner," she finally said.
"Everybody says that."
"Everybody?!" she asked. "How many people have you told?"
I blushed. "Not that many." She giggled and ruffled my hair.
"Okay, your turn," I said.
"Oh Lord. I thought I just had a turn."
"What? C'mon, fair is fair," I said.
"What do you want to know?"
"You and Clint, the end, start talking."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"If I did the math right and you've been dating Matthew right at a month, then you pretty much started seeing him..."
"Two weeks after I got there," she finished for me.
"Right. So what's the deal with Clint? He seemed a lot more broken up about it than that, and I never really got him to talk about it," I said.
"Why wouldn't he talk about it?"
"I don't know. I mean, you heard what happened when we at the beach."
"You mean him getting sliced up on the rock thing?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with it?"
"Have I not told you that whole story?" I asked.
"No, I don't think we've actually ever really talked about it. What happened?"
"He and I were sort of arguing."
"About what?!" she asked.
"You," I said. "I just couldn't understand how you were both just leaving it. You're both incredible people. Plus, he said you weren't having problems. I was just majorly confused. Hell, I'm still confused."
"We weren't having problems, exactly."
"What then?" I asked.
"I don't know how to describe it, really. It just felt like we were just going through the motions after a while."
"All the time?"
"No, not *all the time," she said. "But even emotionally, we didn't really establish a big connection. It felt like we were just doing what we thought we were supposed to do. It was more an, 'okay, we're dating; we know the drill' kind of thing. He's charming and great, don't get me wrong, but I just didn't feel it."
"I guess I was just totally on another planet. He was upset when he came down to Destin that weekend." Destin was the city in Florida that housed Elizabeth's condo.
"I'm not saying we didn't get attached at all or didn't feel for each other. We just weren't made for the long haul," she said. "When I applied to Boston, I didn't tell anybody, and I knew what I'd be leaving behind. My relationship with Clint was one of those things."
"Wow," was all I could say.
I got up and ordered us a couple of soft drinks and brought them back. I giggled as I sat down.
"What's funny?" Christi asked.
"Oh nothing. Just wondering how much the staff overheard."
"Oh gosh!" she said, grinning. "I can only imagine."
"Hey, at least we gave them something to talk about."
We kept the conversation on the light side for both our benefits. I think we'd had enough big revelations for one night.
"He thinks you're awesome, you know?" she said.
"Who's that?" I asked, looking around at the ice cream guys. Christi laughed.
"Clint. When you first started rooming together he'd always talk about how cool or smart you were and how he could just tell you were going to be best friends."
I smiled. "We have gotten pretty close, I guess," I said.
"See, he was different with you. He'd brighten up. You bring out something else in him."
"That's high praise about anyone."
"Anyway babe, I think they're trying to close and we both have flights in the morning."
I looked around and half the lights were off and the floor was being mopped. We muttered an embarrassed apology and got in the car.
"I do love you, Kev," she said before hugging me tight once I'd pulled into her hotel parking lot.
"We have to keep in touch better," I said. "I miss you too much."
"Definitely."
"Moose and I will pick you up in the morning," I said.
"I'll see you then."
"Night, Princess."
"Good night." -----------------------------
I fished out the cell phone as I was driving and punched in Matt's number.
"Two days in a row. We're going for a record," he said when he picked up.
"Yeah, well, don't get used to it, carrot-head."
"Don't worry, I won't," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
"You still gonna be able to pick us up in the morning?" I asked.
"You'd be kinda screwed if not, huh?"
"Wouldn't' be the first time," I said, grinning.
"Whore."
"Asshole."
"Yeah, I'll be there. What time do I need to pick you up?"
"Well, Chris' flight is at ten and mine's at eleven, so pick me up at 8:30 and we'll get Chris and then head on out.
"8:30?! Jesus!" he said.
"Oh please. Just because you're out of school for two weeks."
"You know I'm allergic to early mornings."
I laughed. "Quit your bitching or I'll get anal and want to be there extra early."
"Extra early, my ass! Anyway, that's cool. You packed yet?"
"Mostly. Just have to do the last minute stuff that..."
"Takes forever," Matt interrupted. "Yeah, I know. Where are you now?"
"Driving home. Just dropped Christi off after supper," I said.
"Cool. How is she?"
"She's fine. She's pretty serious about some guy up in Boston, I think."
"He's a yankee?" he asked, disgust touching his voice. Old habits die hard, I guess. I decided not to point out that Clint was also a yankee.
"Nah. He's from Florida. He's just working up there."
"Get out!" he said. "So how long they been datin'?"
"Almost since she got there, so like a month or so."
"Crazy. Anyway, I'll get the scoop in the morning. Get packed and get some sleep. Oh, and Kev?"
"Yeah?"
"Pack some stuff for warmer weather too, just in case."
"Night bud."
"Night."
Waking up the next morning felt like I was trying to come out of a coma. I *always underestimate how long it's going to take me to pack. So, needless to say, I'd been burning the midnight oil and hadn't gotten to bed until too late. I had decided to get all the packing done and not leave any to the last minute like I usually did.
Christi called me not two minutes after I'd gotten out of bed to make sure I was awake. I told her what time we were picking her up as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I then called Matt and woke him up.
"Hello?" was what he said, and I knew this only because I'd been around him long enough to know what that sleepy mumble meant.
"Wake up. Go shower. C'mon over. I'll make coffee or something for you."
"Mmm Hmmm."
"See ya in a few," I said.
"Mmmm Hmmm."
I laughed as I hung up and reluctantly sat up and abandoned the comfortable warmth of my bed. A shower and shave later, and I felt almost human. I finished getting dressed, grabbed a bowl of cereal, gathered my bags and still had enough time to make coffee and look nervously at the parking lot and my watch. Before I had time to get wigged out, I grabbed the cell phone and dialed Matt up.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm on my way," he said as he answered.
I laughed. "Just making sure you didn't have an accident or something."
"No. Just couldn't get out of bed. I'm almost there."
"Cool," I said. "I'll see you downstairs."
Matt pulled into the parking lot as I was dragging my suitcase along.
"See, perfect timing!" he said, grinning as he popped my bags into the back of the truck.
"Sure. Whatever you say," I said and handed him his coffee.
"You're the best. So where is Christi staying?" Matt asked as we got in.
"She's over at the Holiday Inn Express."
"Christi Benchman?! At the Holiday Inn?!"
I giggled. "Guess she was on a tighter budget this year. Who knows."
"Heh. Yeah, well, I'm 'bout to find out."
The Holiday Inn was, fortunately, only about five minutes from my apartment, so we pulled into the entrance a few minutes later. I jumped out to help Chris with her bags. Thankfully, she had packed light, so we were loaded and on our way a couple moments later.
"So Chris," Matt said.
"G'morning, Moose. How are you?"
"Huh? Oh, good. How about you?"
"Just fine. Thanks for picking us up this morning," she said.
"Oh sure," Matt said. "How're ya liking Boston?"
"It's cold but okay."
"Cool. So what gives?"
"Excuse me?" she said.
"You know, the Holiday Inn..."
"And just what is wrong with the Holiday Inn?"
Matt chuckled. "Oh nothing. Guess the rent's a little steeper in Bos-tohn."
"Oh shut up. Everything else was full," she said. Matt and I both laughed while Chris smacked us both.
We laughed and teased each other all the way to the airport. It reminded me of the days when we used to all hang out in little Mexican restaurants studying psychology over pitchers of Bud Light and relentless bantering. It's a wonder we ever stayed awake. We'd go in cycles. 'Studying' every night at El Ranchero for about a month at which point we'd swear it all off in favor of sleep and less cash drain until the next round of tests. How many times had we started and quit smoking in that little restaurant. I swear the strip joints in town saw less action than the same little joint that fed us a couple dozen tons of chips and salsa. I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered how many times we'd sat there, on eye on the door for the random cop that might come in.
"Whatcha thinking about?" Matt asked. I could always count on him to read my moods.
"El Ranchero. Just remembering." I said.
"Seriously!" Chris said. "We kept them in business."
"No doubt," Matt agreed. "Shit, I can't even remember all the stuff that went down there."
"Yeah, me either," I said and we all laughed.
"Did you guys ever drive by during the day?" Chris asked.
"I think I did a couple of times," I said. "Didn't really recognize it."
"It was a total dump. Looked like a shithole in daylight," said Matt.
"I don't know how it never got shut down," said Chris.
"Me either. Not that we ever really noticed," I added.
"Except for the rat," said Matt. "Were y'all there that night?"
"Ooh yeah," I said. We shook our heads and laughed. The stupid rat had to have been a foot long, not counting the tail. We had been sitting outside toward the end of summer. We had all stared dumbfounded as it rooted around in the flower bed looking for only God knows what. I don't think any of us breathed a word about it except to the occasional newcomer that pissed us off or was otherwise interested.
"Those were the days," I said.
"Not really," said Chris.
I laughed. "Yeah, seriously. Too poor to afford food *and beer, and too young to drink."
"And yet, which one did we end up with every time?" Matt asked.
"The damn pitcher! We got the chips for free," said Chris.
"Damn straight," said Matt as we pulled up to the curbside checkins which were, of course, vacant.
Matt hopped out and helped unload the bags. Chris kissed him on the cheek and went on inside with her suitcase.
"Thanks for the lift, bud," I said.
"Sure. Sorry I was late."
I couldn't help but smile. "All's well that ends well, right?"
"That's it!" he said. "Listen, have a great Christmas."
"You too. Love you, man."
"You too," he said and we hugged before I grabbed my bags and walked toward the terminal.
"Hey Kev," Matt called after me.
"Yeah," I said.
"Gimme a call when you get back from Florida."
I just smiled and winked at him before turning around and rushing to meet up with Chris, who had informed me earlier that we were on the same airline. She had saved me a spot in the line and she was only second from the counter, so I wanted to make sure I got to her before she was at the front.
"It's about time," she said as I scooted in next to her, much to the annoyance of the other people waiting in line. I just ignored them.
"Oh please. Like you were here more than a minute in front of me."
"No, just that people started coming in right behind me."
"Well, thanks for your patience."
She clapped me on the back. "Sure thing, buck-o."
After we got our boarding passes, we walked back and went through the security check. I ran through a checklist in my head of things I had packed in my carry-on luggage to make sure I hadn't included anything that might be perceived as dangerous. I couldn't' come up with anything, so I just shrugged and put my bag through the x-ray machine. Everything went through without a hitch for both of us.
I walked Chris to her gate since I had a little over an hour to kill before my flight. She, on the other hand, only had about fifteen minutes before boarding, by my estimations. People were already getting in line.
"Okay eager beavers," she said, eyebrow cocked.
I laughed. "You'd think they didn't have assigned seats."
"This *ain't Southwest, people," she said, and it sounded so comical coming from her.
"Not that there's anything wrong with Southwest, of course."
"Of course," she echoed and winked at me.
"So, I have to wait until this summer before I get to see you again, huh?"
"It's looking that way, unless I suddenly become independently wealthy."
"I won't hold my breath," I said, grinning.
"Good thing, too. Especially since you have the lung capacity of a cockroach."
"What?! Do cockroaches even have lungs?" I laughed.
"I dunno. Anyway, Merry Christmas, handsome."
"Merry Christmas to you too, babe," I said and gave her a big hug and a quick peck.
"Call me when you get back," she said.
"Sure thing. Bye, beautiful."
"Bye."
Chris always had one of the most ravishing smiles. She was just always so perfect. Hair always in place, eyes just so. It was one of the reasons she was so unique. Christi was a flower that you never really got tired of smelling or looking at.
I walked down to my gate and settled down into my seat. Judging from the crowd at the gate, the flight was going to be packed. Of course, that was to be expected the day before Christmas Eve. I pulled out my Discman and a book. One of my biggest pet peeves is a chatty fellow passenger that is full of uninteresting conversation and doesn't know how to take a hint. Oh sure, there were plenty of genuinely cool people to talk to, but that day I wasn't much in the mood to risk it. The company of my own thoughts was just going to have to do.
I finally had a moment to myself to think about everything that had gone on the past few weeks. It felt like too much had been going on emotionally for the time that had actually elapsed. What I most wanted was a couple of days to decompress, unplug and just let myself unwind. As soon as the door closed on the plane, my eyes shut and I didn't wake up until the landing gear touched the runway pavement a few hours later.
My sister, Cindy, was waiting for me when I got down to the baggage claim. She had highlighted her long brown hair, and she had it pulled back in a twist and clipped to the back of her head. She ran up and greeted me with a warm hug.
"Hey Bubba!"
"You look great!"
"Thanks. You like the hair?" She undid the clip and shook it out. It looked very professional and made her look older than she really was. Her silky tresses had been the same brown as mine the last time I saw her.
"Looks good. Did you come by yourself?"
"Yeah," she said. "Mom's shopping for tomorrow and Dad's wrapping his presents."
"Ooh. I need to do that."
"You'll never learn, will you?"
"And ruin your fun? Never."
"Dork," she said and smiled. Her eyes were a deep blue to my green ones. In all other respects we were as good as twins.
"I can't believe Mom waited until now to finish up her shopping. She's usually way done before now."
"No, dumb butt. She's just getting groceries that she needs for Christmas dinner and she didn't think there'd be too many people at the store right now."
"Heh. Oh right."
"So, how've you been?" she asked once we had loaded up the car and were on the interstate headed home.
"Just busy. I've been goin really hard lately."
"Doing what?"
"Working, traveling, Clint's graduation...I'm just ready to relax a couple of days and not have to think about anything."
"I know what you mean. I'm just glad school's out."
"I'm sure. How'd you do this semester?" I asked.
"Okay. Had better; had worse."
"Did you already take your SATs?" I asked.
"Kev, hello?"
"What?"
"It's almost Christmas," she said. "College applications are in. All we have to do now is wait." Open mouth, insert foot. It was my specialty.
"Oh Kevin, you do need to relax. Well, just chill. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"It's nice to be home," I said and smiled.
"Nice to have you home."
Midnight on Christmas Eve found me getting into bed, stomach full and decently happy. Christmas gifts lined my room. As I lay down, though, my thoughts began taking shape and picking up speed. I sat back up and walked over to the window in my room. A very light snow had begun to fall, quiet and unannounced. I leaned closer to the window and puffed out a breath of warm air, making the glass fog up. I watched as it slowly receded back until it was the transparent perfection it had been before. I felt much more at ease. I had finally relaxed muscles I had even forgotten were tense. With peace of body came much peace of mind, for me, but that night, as I watched everything being dusted with white, my thoughts turned to Clint. I hadn't thought too much of him the past two days, and then I wondered suddenly what he was doing, who he was with, what he had done. I realized that we had been together for most of one another's big events over the past several months, and I missed his company. I gave into the whim and fetched my cell phone and punched in the number to his cell phone. Thank God neither of us had roaming charges. His phone rang and rang, and I had just resigned myself to leaving a message when Clint picked up.
"Hey bro!" he said groggily.
"You weren't already asleep, were you?" I asked, chiding myself for not remembering to calculate the time difference before I called. It was three in the morning there.
"Sort of," he said.
"My bad, dude. I forgot about the time difference."
"No big. I'm glad you called. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you, too. How are you doing? Other than sleepy, that is."
"Pretty good," he said and laughed. "How about you? How's the fam?"
"I'm good, they're fine. We all just lovely."
He laughed again. "Cool."
"How about you? How's Florida?"
"It's okay. It's kinda warm, so that's a little weird, but it's cool. We went down to Miami yesterday and today."
"Not much to do in Lauderdale?" I asked. My parents had lived there for ten years before I was born, and I didn't' remember them talking about a shortage of things to do.
"No, it's not that. Dan just found some places down there, so we went."
"Sweet. You'll have to fill me in when we get home."
"Definitely."
"I'll let you get back to sleep," I said. "I was just calling to say hey and Merry Christmas."
"Thanks. Be careful, okay?"
"I will. You too. And tell everybody I said hello."
"Will do. Night, Kev."
"Night."
I had just hung up when I heard my door quietly open. Cindy walked in wearing pajama pants, a coat, sweatshirt and a very mischievous smile.
"Don't let that canary you ate give you indigestion," I said.
She giggled. "I was hoping you were still up."
"I take it Mom and Dad aren't."
"Nope."
"You gonna clue me in or do I have to guess?"
She pulled outthe keys to Dad's Grand Cherokee and dangled them in front of me. "Wanna go for a little ride?"
"Now?!"
"Yeah. You know, look at some lights, watch the snow, talk."
I grabbed my coat and smiled back at her. "We'd better be quiet."
"As a mouse," she said, pulling an imaginary zipper across her lips.
We snuck down to the garage and Cindy tossed me the keys. We got in the car and pulled the doors closed as quietly as we could. The house was on a hill, so I just put the car in neutral, and with a little help, we rolled down out of earshot before I cranked the engine. All the cloak and dagger wasn't really necessary, but we both new Mom, and Mom would worry if she knew we weren't there.
"Where to, shorty?" I asked.
"Let's go to the neighborhood where Johnny Norris used to live. I heard they have great lights around there this year."
I managed to get there drawing from memories and using Cindy to supplement. Johnny hadn't been a close friend. I could count on one hand the number of times I had been to his house, and still have some fingers left over.
I slowed down as we got closer. Cindy had been right. The houses were decked out in beautiful decorations and lights. It was a little ritzier neighborhood, so the plastic Santa's and snowmen were nowhere to be found. The white lights looked so pristine against the white of the fresh snow and the green of the scattered holly bushes. It was postcard material.
"We should have brought a camera," I said as we drove along.
"Did you forget about the last time we tired to do that?"
I laughed and blushed as I remembered our first Christmas after we had moved back from Argentina. Christmas being in the summer and not being exposed to snow, I had no idea hot to take, or *not take a picture in the snow. I had managed to capture some beautiful scenes, but they were all dotted with large white spots, since I hadn't bothered to take the picture from under the shelter of an umbrella.
"Yeah, yeah. Like you knew any better."
"I was thirteen!"
"Minor details." We both laughed as we remembered how initially excited and subsequently disappointed we had been when we got the film developed.
"Good times," she said.
"Yup. I still miss the Christmases when we were little."
"We would always get to swim that afternoon."
"And poor Mom would melt in the kitchen, trying to cook all that stuff."
"All right for her keeping tradition alive," said Cindy.
"No kidding. Remember that all four of us used to have to sleep together in the living room because that was the only air conditioner in the house?"
"Oh my gosh! Yeah, and it would always blow and mess up the little angel's hair on top of the tree."
I smiled. "I miss that. A lot."
"Me too. We need to go back," she said.
"Definitely."
"You okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, just sentimental. I miss talking with you in person."
"I know. Me too," she said. "So are you going to tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"Who it is you're in love with."
"Why would you think that?" I asked.
"Don't avoid me, Kevin McReardon. I know you better than that. Jesus, give me some credit," she said, rolling her eyes at me.
"Seriously, I'm not pining after anybody."
"Splitting hairs, Kev. You know what I mean."
"Is it obvious?" I asked.
"Not at all. I'm sure Mom doesn't have a clue. She still asks me about Christi."
"Oh God! Speaking of whom, I saw her the other day."
"And we'll talk all about it. Later."
"Dang. Down girl!"
She finally cracked a smile. She was always so dramatic.
"C'mon, Kev. I just noticed that every now and then you look off and think."
"Like that's new."
"No, but you look more like you're remembering someone than thinking. It's like you're missing somebody."
"I think you've been trying to read too much into things," I said.
"So there's nobody?" she asked.
"Sneaky bitch!" I said and smiled. Cindy was the only person I new who was as manipulative as I was. Of course, we had learned from each other. "That was smooth, though. I'll give you that."
"Thanks. I thought so."
"I dunno, sis. It's weird."
"See! Trying to make me feel stupid..."
I laughed. "Yeah, whatever."
"Who is it?"
"Clint," I said.
"As in, Clint, your roommate? The one you spent Thanksgiving with? The one you've been like joined at the hip with?" I nodded. "Yeah, I could see that," she said. "So he's gay?! Wow, he didn't seem like it at all."
I didn't say anything.
"Oh you're kidding me."
I shook my head.
"Wow, that's um...yeah."
"I know," I said.
"Does he know?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah he know s you're gay or yeah he knows how you feel?" she asked.
"Both," I said.
"And?"
I told her about the big blowup we'd had ending with the kiss followed by the normal seeming friendship.
"Oh geez. It's never simple, is it?"
"You know me," I said.
"I do. And I know how your mind works. I just don't want to see you get your hopes up for nothing."
"I know, I know."
"What do you want?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she said and knitted her brow, "what are you trying to get out of this? Where do you think this is going to go?"
I was quiet for a few blocks. "I guess I just want to see where it goes. I want to be with Clint however that happens, be it friends or whatever."
"Hmmm."
"What?" I asked.
"I think you're more attached than that."
"Maybe so. Sis, when we're together, I don't' know ...he just makes me feel so good. Ya know?"
"Like buddies."
"Yeah, sort of. I've thought and overthought everything. He knows how I feel and he's still how he is. I mean, he kissed me."
"Once," she said.
"Yeah, but he's different. He's warm."
"He cares."
"Exactly," I agreed.
"Kev, I don't doubt that, but I just can't help but wonder if that's going to be enough. I'd hate for you to tie up your emotions and have him be totally on a different page."
"I know, Cindy. I know I'm probably going to get hurt."
"So why not just move on?"
"I can't. I'll always wonder what would have happened and I'm not going to wonder. Even if it kills me, sis, I'm trying to be as careful as I can be, and I know he hasn't made any promises and there aren't any guarantees."
"Yes, an it's important you remember that. Please just promise me something."
"What's that?" I asked.
"Promise me you'll be honest with yourself, first of all. Listen to your heart and go for it. If you fly, you fly, and if you fall, you'll fall. Second, be honest with him. Don't play games trying to figure things out. Go with your gut, have fun, but when the time comes, you take care of yourself."
"I love you, Cindy," I said and smiled. We had made it back into our garage with no discovery.
"I love you too, ya big dummy," she said and hugged me.
Happy New Year to you all! I hope 2003 finds you all well. One more chapter through for our characters and their journey. Big thanks goes out to the other redheaded Matt in my life -- you're a trip!! And to Chris: What can I say, bud? You're one in a billion. As always, I love feedback. Be well and be safe!
Kevin Farscape20@hotmail.com