Finding Support
It was Monday morning, and I didn't have to go to school! I looked out the window at the snow coming down and put my pillow over my head. That didn't last long, though. I had snow to shovel and a heifer to feed. The only change was that I didn't have to do it at six in the morning. I looked at the clock. It was eight, and I needed to get moving.
Upstairs, Mom and Dad were having breakfast. Mom was on vacation, but Dad was going to the office. I greeted them quickly, put on my coat, grabbed a slice of toast, and headed out the door.
In the barn, Oreo complained about not being fed on time. I gave her hay and a little grain in her feeders, cleaned up her stall, put down new straw, patted her a few times, and headed back to the house for the snow shovel. By the time the garage door opened, the driveway was clear to the road. Dad waved at me.
"Thanks, Toby."
"No problem. Have a good day at the office."
Back in the house, I took off my coat and sat down at the table. Mom put bacon and eggs in front of me, and I dug in.
"Are you hungry from shoveling or from the weekend?"
I replied between bites.
"Both."
Besides Friday's and Saturday's sexual adventures, there had been sledding Sunday morning with Austin and Andy, and last minute shopping in town after the stores opened around noon. Sunday evening, I spent some time playing Monopoly with Mom and Dad. They deserved some of my time, but equally important, it was an opportunity to share things about the week. What could be shared, that is.
I'd barely finished eating when my phone pinged with a text message. It was Rusty.
"You home?"
"Yeah."
"Can I come over?"
"Sure."
From the brevity of the message, I had a bad feeling about the visit. As I'd told my parents, I could see that Rusty and Nate were getting closer. I was about to learn how close. It was a visit I wasn't looking forward to.
The sound of Rusty's four-wheeler shutting down was followed shortly by a knock on the back door. I opened it, and I could tell by Rusty's face he had an uncomfortable task to perform. I'd try to make it as easy as possible.
"Come on in. Let's go down to my room."
Rusty greeted Mom, but skipped the usual "Mom Two" nickname and the kiss on the cheek. Then he headed down the stairs. I exchanged a quick glance with Mom. Her look was sympathetic. Mine was emotionless.
In my room, Rusty sat down in the computer chair and looked around briefly, as if looking at it for the last time. He looked at me and got right to the point.
"Toby, I'm in love with Nate."
"I know."
"Our relationship has been changin' since last summer. I'm in love with two guys, and it can't go on this way. Does that sound familiar?"
"Yeah, it does."
He was looking at the floor. "Now I know what you were feelin', except your decision was for different reasons. I gotta make mine now. We're gonna have to... "
"Rusty."
He looked up at me. "Yeah?"
"It's okay. I understand, and I wish you only the best."
Tears came to his eyes. "It's gonna be hard on both of us."
"I know."
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah. It won't be like it was with Logan. Last time, I had nobody but you. This time, I have a support group of friends. How about you?"
A look of relief came to his eyes. "I'll be okay, but I was worried about you."
"I know. I won't flip out. And we'll still be friends."
He stood up. We looked at each other with tears in our eyes. (... I have loved you for the last time...)
I reached for him, and enveloped him in a hug. He was crying openly. I was numb. Tears would come later. (... I have touched you for the last time...)
I kissed him on the cheek and he kissed me back. (... I have kissed you for the last time...)
I held him out and looked into his eyes. "Go. Before it gets worse. We'll talk more later."
He looked at me gratefully. "Thanks."
He left by the basement door to avoid Mom.
I sat down on the bed and looked at the floor. I'd expected it, but I was still stunned. Mom heard him leave and came down to my room.
"Was that what I think it was?"
"Yeah."
"Are you going to be okay?"
"Eventually."
"Who do you want to talk to?"
I'd always remember that. "Who do you want to talk to?" rather than "Do you want to talk?" I thought for a few moments, and then I knew.
"Coach."
She wouldn't let me off the hook. "Will you call him or will I?"
My voice broke. "Please call him for me."
While she went upstairs and called, I went to my dresser and pulled a small box out of the top drawer. Opening it, I stared at the engagement ring I'd bought earlier in the fall. I'd planned to give it to him at Christmas. Closing the box, I put it away at the back of the drawer. I had the receipt. I'd deal with it later.
Mom drove me to town and waited until Coach came to the door. James and Jason were nowhere around, most likely by design. He led me to their home office and closed the door.
"You can sit in the guest chair if you like, Toby. Do you want to tell me about it?"
In response, I put my head in my hands and cried my heart out. He stood beside me, squeezing my shoulder gently with one hand and rubbing my back with the other. When my grief had run its course, he sat down opposite me and waited for me to begin.
And I began at the beginning. I told him about how I'd met Rusty, how he'd helped me through my crisis with Logan, and how he and I had supported Nate. I skipped a few parts about how we'd all supported each other during the abuse fallout because Coach knew about that. I talked about how we'd worked together, played together, laughed and cried together, and even about the sex we had.
Then I ran out of words and stopped. "I really don't know what I'll do without him, but I know I'll figure it out. Like I told him, this time I've got a bigger support group of friends."
Coach paused until he knew he had my full attention.
"Yes, you have a huge support group, including James, Jason, and Shago besides myself to name a few. And the ranch boy club and a lot of other friends. And Gramps, Grams, and of course your parents. And I only scratched the surface."
He paused to make sure I was still with him and didn't have anything to add.
"Would you like to talk about what you did over the weekend?"
I found that a little puzzling, but I did. I told him about everything, leaving out only a few details which were too personal to discuss or would embarrass someone. I even told him about my early Christmas gifts, both of which drew a smile. As I talked, I settled down, and then I realized the reason for his question. He was trying to establish a baseline of "normal" for me. When I finished, he had another question.
"What are you doing this week?"
Since it was vacation, I had little to tell him, but I mentioned the few things I had in mind to do. And I understood the reason for that question too. He was telling me that life goes on.
Then we talked for a long time about whatever came to mind, two friends having a conversation. I could be so very open with him, about anything and everything. By the time we were done, he knew far more about me than my parents did. And I knew I was important to him. I had a real friend. And I knew I'd come to the right person.
"Thanks so much, Coach, you don't know what this means to me."
"But I do, Toby." He smiled. "Or should I say, Hot Kid Toby? You're not the only person to be in this position. There were friends there for me, just like I'm here for you. And you need to know I'm here for you anytime, day or night. I'm going to give you a private phone number that goes to an answering service. They can always page me. I'll never be further away than a phone call."
I was crying again, more gently this time, I couldn't believe my own good luck, or the community's good luck to have someone like this living here. I was hungry. I looked at the clock. I'd been there four hours.
"Jesus, Coach. I'm sorry I took so long. Fuck! It's Christmas. You have important things to do."
He put a firm hand on my shoulder. "This morning, there was nothing more important than to be your friend."
Then I was in his arms crying on his shoulder. When I was finished, I stood back and tried to collect myself one more time.
"Thanks again, Coach. I don't know what I'd have done without you."
"You're welcome, Toby. Here's a card with my other phone number. Don't hesitate, anytime day or night. I'll always be here for you."
I looked at the card, and then at him with a smile.
"I bet you're supposed to call Mom to come get me."
He grinned at me. "No, you're supposed to do that."
I pulled out my phone and made the call.
"Hi, Mom. I'm ready to come home. Will you come get me?"
"Austin and Andy are waiting at your dad's office. They have lunch for you. Then they have your afternoon planned."
I had the perfect Mom. My voice broke as I replied.
"Thanks, Mom. You're the best."
Dad was in a meeting with a client, which was just as well. We'd talk later. Austin and Andy were in the waiting room. They stood and gave me hugs when I came in, and then we went out to their pickup. The truck bed was full of food and supplies.
We climbed into the pickup, with me between them. Andy handed me my lunch.
"Do ya know where we're goin'?"
"Uh-huh."
He smiled. "I thought you would. The four-wheel drive will be useful. We grabbed your winter boots and heavy parka. Your mom packed extra clothes and a small bag with your toothbrush and stuff. She made sure we saw a couple of things she put in at the last minute."
"Like?"
"A bottle of lube."
I smiled. "That's an early Christmas present from Dad."
Austin laughed. "You've got a cool dad. And a cool mom, I might add."
"What else?"
Andy smiled. "A small box with a couple of interesting sex toys, Hot Kid Toby."
I started laughing and couldn't stop. I laughed until I cried. When I finally settled down, I told them.
"Those are early Christmas presents from Colton. I put them on my bathroom counter yesterday and forgot to put them away. I'll hear about it, but only because Mom has to be laughing as hard as I am."
They were both laughing now. Andy replied.
"You've got the coolest parents on the face of the earth. You have no idea how lucky you are."
"Oh, yes, I do. And every day, they amaze me even more."
We were climbing the hill to the cabin now. The snow on the trees weighed down the branches. It was a winter wonderland, and the snow was getting deeper. I was getting worried.
"How deep is it at the cabin?"
"About two feet, but we broke a trail on Saturday, and there's only been six inches since then. It'll be no problem."
When we reached the top of the hill, Austin pulled to a stop. We sat looking down at the lake and cabin. I sighed.
"I love this spot. The last time I was by myself on my four-wheeler, and I sat here memorizing what it looks like. It's so different with snow."
Austin turned the truck around so it was pointed downhill. "This is where we park in the winter. Don't wanna get caught down in the basin by a snowstorm. It's also where we come to communicate, by the way, text only. Phone service is rare. We'll haul the food, water, and firewood down on sleds."
I looked into the back. "You brought a lot of stuff."
"Most of it is for restocking. We keep the place well supplied year round, but especially in the winter. The three of us could hole up here for a week if we had to."
We climbed out of the pickup. The air was still, cold, and silent. Austin had instructions.
"Get back in the cab and put on your winter boots and parka, Hot Kid."
"Am I now stuck with a new nickname?"
"Forever."
While I did that, Austin and Andy unloaded two sleds and piled the supplies on them. When I got out of the cab, Austin handed me a pair of well-maintained traditional bear-paw snowshoes.
"Do ya know how to use these?"
"I know what they are but I've never used any."
"Watch how we put ours on and do the same thing. We'll help you if ya need it. Once we get movin', you'll see usin' them is a piece of cake."
The snow encrusted straps were hard to adjust, but eventually I succeeded. I looked up to find Andy watching me with a grin.
"Not bad for a novice, Hot Kid. Now, the next trick is to get the sleds down the hill. You'll notice we've tied ropes to the front and back. Going downhill, there's a danger of bein' run over. So that's where we're gonna put you."
"Thanks a lot!"
Andy chuckled. "This is an exercise in trust. You steer the sleds from the front. We hold them back from the rear. Occasionally you may have to pull a little but not very much."
So, on snowshoes I'd never used, I guided sleds with minds of their own down the hill, while my companions shouted instructions from the rear. By the time we got to the bottom, I was exhausted. Austin smiled at me.
"Good job, Hot Kid. Now we'll put this stuff where it belongs. If you'll pile the firewood at the end of the cabin, we'll store the food and water. The water goes inside, the coolers with food stay outside in the natural refrigeration."
That task done, it was a simple job to pull the sleds up the hill. Andy stacked them and I pulled them while they walked beside me giving advice.
"Pull a little harder."
"Careful, you'll lose them over the edge if ya let them go, and we won't find them until spring."
"Race ya to the top, Andy."
They took off, jogging at a good pace considering their footwear. I shouted after them.
"Fuckers!"
They just laughed and threw snowballs at me.
The second time there was only one load. They took pity on me and took the front and back of the single sled. I waited until they were nearly to the bottom and rode the other sled down.
Andy grinned at me. "Not a bad idea, Hot Kid. Actually, that's what we're gonna do later. Or tomorrow, depending on when we get set up."
Another truck was grinding its way up the hill. Austin smiled.
"That'll be Aiden."
And who else, I wondered.
Aiden knew the drill. After his truck was parked and he started down the hill on his snowshoes, it was clear he was alone. He got to the bottom and gave us all fist bumps - or glove bumps would be a better term.
"Jace couldn't come, and Nate... well... "
I finished it for him. "Nate wouldn't have been comfortable. But we're all still friends, including Rusty. The ranch boy club will be together again when we're over this hump."
After everything was properly stowed and a good fire burned in the free-standing fireplace, the three of them sat down on the bearskin rug at a comfortable distance from the fire. I grabbed my snowshoes. Austin looked up at me.
"Stay in sight of the cabin."
"I'm just goin' down towards the lake."
"And stay off the lake and dock. The ice is thin and the dock is about to collapse."
At a respectable distance from the lake, I watched the woods grow darker and darker as the sun set. As it reached the horizon, the sun dropped under the overcast and lit up the winter scene around me. It was absolutely breathtaking. I watched in silence for a few minutes, and then as final darkness fell, I turned back to the cabin.
The guys had lit the lanterns, hanging one outside for me. The icicles sparkled like diamonds. The snow glistened. I looked in awe. It was a holiday scene to die for.
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