Starting Over
I was awakened by a knock on the door. "Toby, are you in there?"
The door opened and my dad stepped inside.
"I was worried about you. Logan is out there working alone. Did you oversleep? I expected you to stay with him last night."
By then I was on the edge of my bed, naked in front of my dad and not caring. One look at my face, and he knew it was more than oversleeping.
Dad was concerned. "Toby, what's going on?"
I walked to the window and looked out. Logan was loading pipe onto the trailer by himself. From time to time he looked over at the house. I watched for a few moments before I spoke.
"Logan and I are through. I'm nothing more to him than a good fuck."
I couldn't believe I'd said that, but I was beyond caring.
If Dad was shocked, he didn't let on. He came up behind me and squeezed my shoulder. "I'm going to work from home today. If you want to talk or need anything, I'll be in my office."
"Okay."
I wasn't going to need him. I wasn't going to need anything or anyone. I just wanted to be alone.
I took a shower and dressed randomly in whatever was close at hand. Slipping out the back door, I walked through the woods until I was out of sight of the house. Crossing the road, I walked upstream along the creek, going through thickets of brush as if they weren't there, wading in the creek when there was no room to walk on on the banks, trying to work off my anger and frustration. I walked for a couple miles until I suddenly found myself in the meadow at the other end of the ranch. Sitting at the edge of the meadow where I'd felt the closest connection to Logan, I tried to process the last several days. I couldn't get my mind to focus, and eventually it seemed to shut down completely. Later, I could remember nothing after that until Grams and Gramps found me there late in the afternoon.
"Toby, Toby, look at me." It was Gramps trying to get my attention. Slowly I turned my head, barely aware he was there.
"Toby, you need to come with us. You need to go home now. Your parents are worried sick."
I heard it, but it meant nothing. Grams took my hand as if I were a young child, and I let myself be led to their car, not resisting as they helped me into the back seat. The next thing I remember was pulling into my parents' driveway.
My parents came out of the house, and Dad helped me out of the car while giving Mom instructions. "Ellen, please fix him some chicken soup." He put a hand on my back and gently guided me to my room.
I sat down on my bed, and Dad sat down beside me.
"Toby, can you hear me and understand what I'm saying?"
I nodded my head.
"I'm going to leave you here for now. Try to lie down and rest a little. I'll be back in a few minutes with some food. Okay?"
I nodded again.
Dad stood up and went to the door, waiting to ensure I was resting comfortably. Then he went out, leaving the door half-open.
I could hear Dad and Gramps talking outside my window. I absorbed the words, but they meant little.
"I notified the sheriff we'd located him. Thanks for bringing him home. How did you know where to find him?"
"Logan told us where to look. He said there were two places Toby was likely to be, and he'd already checked the first. Now we need to go home and talk with him. He's very upset at how this has turned out. He wanted to go with us to look, but we wouldn't let him. They need to work this out later by themselves."
"I agree. I'll try to get Toby to eat something. He hasn't eaten for a full day that I know of, and probably longer. If we can't bring him out of this, we'll need to look for professional help, but not until tomorrow. I'll let you know what happens."
"That sounds like a good plan. We'll be in touch."
Dad returned shortly with a TV tray, water, Gatorade, and a bowl of soup.
"Go slowly with this. You're dehydrated. You need to eat and drink, but not too quickly."
I sat up and did what he said, and gradually became more aware of my surroundings.
"What time is it?"
"Seven o'clock in the evening."
"Where have I been all day?"
"Don't worry about that now. We'll talk about it later."
Memories of the night before began to come back to me, but they had no effect. It was the past, it was gone, and there was no future for me.
"I wanna go to bed."
"Okay. If you need anything, I'll be nearby."
"Okay."
Mom came to the door. "How are you doing, Toby?"
Dad answered for me. "He'll be much better after he gets some sleep." He took the dishes, leaving me with the water and Gatorade.
I stripped and crawled into bed.
I sat up. The sun was coming up. I should be at work. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. My memory returned, slowly and gently, not overwhelming me. Logan was gone from my life. I was sad, but I would recover. I stood up and stretched. My door was open. I looked into the hallway and found Dad sitting there in a rocking chair.
"I'm hungry."
"That's good. Let's go make breakfast. Do you want to take a shower first?"
"Yes. That would be a good idea."
Mom had gone to work. Dad was working from home again. We talked quietly about inconsequential things as we made breakfast together. When we were done eating, Dad went to his office while I cleaned up the kitchen and went outside to sit in the porch swing. I was thinking more clearly now. The past was gone, but there was a future, and I should plan for it. But for now, I needed to sit there and relax.
Dad came out and sat beside me.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"No... not right now."
I was silent for a while.
"Where's Logan?"
"He's working across in the field."
"Alone?"
"Yes."
We sat there silently for a couple minutes.
"Do you want to talk with him?"
"Not now... maybe later."
Dad put his hand on my shoulder.
"I'll be in the house. Are you going to stay here for a while?"
"I wanna go sit by the creek and think about things."
"Okay, but please take your phone with you and check in with me after an hour or so."
"Okay, I'll do that."
I went to my room and turned on my phone. There were a dozen texts from Logan. I deleted them all without looking at them.
I walked through the woods and across the road to the swimming hole. Sitting down, I watched the creek flow by, listening to its music and the sounds of the birds and insects around me, enjoying the smell of the woods, letting nature heal me. After an hour or so, I was much more relaxed and at peace with the world.
Then I realized I wasn't alone. I turned my head. Logan was standing by the tree where I'd first seen him. This time, he was fully dressed for the work he'd been doing.
"Hi, Toby. Can we talk?"
"Okay."
He sat down next to me. We sat quietly for a long time. Finally, he broke the silence.
"I fucked up, but I need yer help to understand everything that went wrong."
I thought about where to start. "Somebody asked me a couple days ago if I was gonna be your new boyfriend. I didn't know how to answer the question. I knew I wanted to be, but I didn't have a clue if I was gonna be."
There was a brief pause. "Yes, you were my boyfriend. I hope yer still my boyfriend. I thought we both understood that."
"All I understood was that I was an easy score and a hot fuck, and maybe a useful ranch hand, 'cuz that's all you told me. You didn't even tell your friends the last part. After almost two weeks of being together night and day, that's all you knew or seemed to care about. That's not a boyfriend to me. A boyfriend is someone who cares enough to learn about the real you, what's inside of you, what your past is and what your dreams are. But whatever a boyfriend is to you, that expression 'new boyfriend' made me wonder how many you've had in, say, the last year. And please don't try to bullshit me, 'cuz it's easy to check yer answer. It's a small community."
He paused briefly, apparently counting. "Three."
"So, they didn't last long. Why not?"
"Well, we just went our separate ways 'cuz it didn't work out."
"Was one of them your last ranch hand who 'left for greener pastures'?"
He hesitated. "Yeah, he was one of them."
I would have liked more detail, but I didn't press him for it.
"Why should I believe you and I were gonna work out any better? I don't think we even agree on what a boyfriend is. Maybe being good in bed is enough for you, but it's not for me. You were much more than that to me - everything about you and everything we did together was important - and I needed to be more than that to you to be your boyfriend. I don't think you got that. Should I have explained it to you?"
I realized I was automatically talking as if our relationship was all in the past. So that was how I was thinking about it.
Logan turned to me, speaking seriously but sadly too. "No, ya didn't need to explain it. I did get it, but I didn't share what ya mean to me. Yer a lot more than a hot fuck to me. I've known ya all of two weeks now, and already I wonder what I did without ya. Yer more help to me than anyone else ever has been. Yer smart and tough and you'll tackle anything. And yer fun too. I should have shared that much with you and my friends, but I didn't, and I don't know why. And I should have shared with you that when I look at ya, it's like yer inside of me and a part of me, and that feelin' just keeps growin'. I can't live without ya, Toby."
I was silent for a few moments. Part of me wanted to believe him and the other part told me it was bullshit. My gut reaction was that he had grown bored with the other relationships and cut them off, and the same thing would have happened to us as soon as he got bored with screwing me. The difference was I'd figured out that bad boys don't make good boyfriends, and I wasn't going to play the game anymore. However, I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for now.
"That's a lot like how I felt about you too, but I don't feel that way anymore. I don't know how I feel right now. No, that's not true. I feel like I've been conned and taken advantage of, and I don't know if I can get beyond that."
"Are ya willin' to try? Can we start over? Will ya do that for me?"
I waited a moment. "Yeah, I can try, but I'm not gonna make any promises. If you still want me to work with you, I'll do that, but I'm not gonna stay at the bunkhouse unless we figure out how to get on track again. We gotta be friends before I can be your boyfriend, and right now we're not even friends, and I'm not sure we ever were. For now, I'm willing to be ranch-hand Toby, and that's all. Nothing more."
He thought for a moment. "Okay, that's fair to start with, but we gotta talk some more about what's important to both of us. I wanna work it out if we can."
"Okay, that makes sense to me. Maybe we can talk about things while we work. At least it's a place to start."
"Let's get started on that right now. Will ya come help me with the irrigation pipe?"
I stood up. "Sure. Let's go move some pipe." Logan had optimistically been carrying my John Deere cap. He handed it to me, and I put it on.
I checked the time. I was overdue to check in with Dad. I texted him that I would be working with Logan, and got an immediate response thanking me for letting him know.
When we finished with the pipe, I told Logan I was too tired to do fencing, but I would help him the next day. That was true, but there was also something else I needed to do.
I found Dad in his home office. "I think I'm ready to talk now."
Dad turned his chair around from his corner computer desk and smiled at me. "I'm glad to hear that. Sit down and tell me what's on your mind."
I nervously cleared my throat. Then I gave him a summary of my conversation with Logan, as well as my conclusions. It was hard to do, but he had been there for me all the way, and the least he deserved was to know how I was working it out.
"Is it possible you're being too hard on him? Do you think maybe he really cares?"
"I don't know. And until I do, I'm backing off."
Dad smiled. "I think that's wise. You've only known each other two weeks, and you both need room to learn more and discover how you really feel about each other. And in the meantime, you should get to know more guys your age around here."
We were both quiet for a while. I was happy Dad was helping me work through this. Mom was great, but this was beyond her ability to comprehend or deal with.
"Dad, there's one more thing. Thank you for understanding me and being there for me. But thanks too for letting me fuck up on my own. I think I'll get it right in the end."
Dad smiled encouragingly. "I think you will too, Toby. Your mother and I have great faith in your judgement. Just try not to let your emotions get in the way."
We stood up and hugged each other. I quickly turned away and left so he couldn't see the tears in my eyes.
Dad called out to me as I was walking down the hall. "Hey, Toby, come back for a minute, please. I just got a text that may be for you."
I wiped my eyes and went back into the office. Dad was writing on a piece of scrap paper. "You haven't given my number to anyone, have you?"
"No, I haven't. I've just given out my own number, and only to Logan."
He handed me a piece of paper with a name and a number on it. I smiled for the first time since Sunday night.
"I guess you know who it is. He must have gone to a lot of effort to contact you."
"Yes, I know who it is. Thanks, Dad."
I went out and sat in the porch swing, aware I felt happy again. I entered the number Dad had given me and sent a text message.
*** If you enjoy this kind of story, please donate to Nifty to ensure that this free resource can continue. ***