I saw Chris in the hallways over the next few weeks, and he always smiled at me. During lunch period, which we seemed to both have at the same time, we sat together and talked about other stuff, as well as how much we loved each other. Chris was unquestionably the brightest person I'd ever met before. He was smart, he was sweet and there were times when I felt like reaching across the cafeteria table and hugging him. It was a great feeling to have.
On the Monday back, right after March Break, I met Chris in the cafeteria and greeted him with my usual, "Hey, Chrissie."
He looked up and smiled at me slightly, replying, "Hey. Umm...There's something I kinda...well...I think we need to talk."
My heart started its downward race toward my shoes. I've learned in life that there is no sentence more dreaded to hear, than "We need to talk." That beats "I have some bad news for you." and "Do I look fat in these jeans?" out by a slim margin.
"What?" I asked, sitting down beside Chris, but not too close.
Chris look down at the floor as he said, "Umm...I was speaking to this friend of mine last night. She's a girl and she's okay, I guess, and...well..I don't quite know how it happened, but we're sort of...well...going out now."
I was struck silent for a couple of minutes. When I found my voice again, it said, "Really? Umm...Why?"
Chris shrugged, "Don't feel sad or take it the wrong way, okay? I still love you and everything. It's just that...well...it's hard to explain. I want to see how this goes, and I want you to be okay with this, all right?"
I shrugged and weighed whether to be honest or to tell him what he wanted to hear. I, being the pathetic loser that I was, opted for the latter, swallowed the bowling ball-sized lump in my throat that threatened to cause me to burst into tears, and replied, "Yeah, I'm okay with it. I understand."
"Thanks." Chris said, standing up, "I actually should go meet her in the library now. I'll talk to you later, okay?"
I shrugged and said, "Yeah, I'll see you, Chris."
And with that, he walked off. I tried telling myself that I shouldn't feel bad, but I really did. Even though we weren't actually dating or anything, Chris told me that he loved me, so I couldn't understand why he'd ever consider going out with somebody.
This thought bugged me for the rest of the week and caused my concentration in school to plummet. Tests for that week were failed miserably and assignments were handed in late or not at all. I realized, during that week, how deeply I was in love with Chris and, over the weekend, I vowed that, first thing on Monday morning, I was going to tell Chris how much it bothered me. I wasn't sure what good it would do, but at least he'd know what my true feelings were, about this issue.
So, Monday morning came and, with purpose, I walked into school and went to my first class. Because my mind was so clear and focussed, I actually paid attention to the dribble that the teacher was gushing about. It was a huge discourse on...
Nevermind. The next class I had was Psychology, and I waited there with anticipation for Chris to walk in, so I could tell him how important it was that I speak to him after class. I waited, and waited, but he never came. So, there went the concentration and there went the focus. In fact, I was pretty darn close to just getting up and walking out of class. How could anybody expect me to concentrate on fucking stupid school stuff, when my love life was teetering on such a precarious edge?
The class managed to run it's term and I got up, half-heartedly assembled my books, and shuffled out of class. It would be an understatement to say that I felt dejected. My paranoid mind, of course, made up the excuse that he was taking class off today to smoke heavily and spend time with his girlfriend.
It angered...no...infuriated me that this was happening. I felt really pissed off, not just about him, but about me. Here was this guy who I couldn't get out of my head, and he seemed to be quite adept at making me feel so nauseous that I felt like vomiting.
"I should know better by now," I thought to myself, "I need to stop falling in love. I need to accept the fact that nobody likes me and I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. My Aaron is gone, and my Chris will never be."
These thoughts prevaded my head, as I marched down the hallway and right into the cafeteria, where I saw Chris sitting at the table, looking dejected. I paused for a moment, to try and regain some of my lost focus, then marched toward the table and my second meaningful speech to this blue-eyed boy, who had such control of my emotions. My focus, however, was again lost, for as I approached him, he turned and saw me. For the first time since I met him, I saw a look of genuine happiness cross his face. He was actually sort of smiling at me. My insides jellified and nearly collapsed, but managed to make it over to the table to talk to him.
"Hey, Chris," I said, sitting down on the bench beside him, "I missed you in class today."
Chris looked at me and shrugged, "I didn't go. I wasn't feeling well."
I smiled, "Well, if you're not feeling good, why don't you go home?"
Chris sighed, "I had to talk to you, before I left. I had to...ummm..."
I shrugged as I saw his voice trail off and his eyes gaze down at the floor. "You had to what?" I asked.
Chris looked up again and smiled slightly, "I'm not with that girl anymore, Dave."
A strange feeling passed over my body. A feeling that was a mixture of relief and sadness. "Really? Why? You just started going out with her." I asked.
He shrugged again and looked at me, appearing to be trying to look me in my eyes, "I guess I never really liked her. I dunno. I didn't feel right going out with her. I...ummm...I love you too much, and anybody else just doesn't feel right. I mean...I guess...I don't know what I'm saying."
I smiled, "I understand. You didn't feel right going out with her, and I know you love me. I love you too, Chris."
Chris shook his head, "No...I mean...I was thinking, over the weekend, that maybe...ummm...we could be friends. I mean, if you want."
I sort of understood what he was trying to say, in his shy, sweet way, but I decided to play dumb for a little longer. "But, I thought we were already friends." I replied.
Chris nodded, "We are, but...I was thinking, I mean, I want to be your friend and talk to you about stuff, because I think that you're really smart. You're great to talk to, and I like listening to you. But...I mean..."
Chris's voice trailed off, and he looked down at the bench on which we sat. I looked down too, and saw his hand slowly make its way across the seat, until it was sitting gently on top on my hand. We both looked up again at the same time and our eyes met.
A nervous smile same across his face, "So...I mean, if you want to."
I smiled back at him, all the fury, hatred and reservations for him diminished almost completely, and nodded in approval, "Okay."