Reasons_
Author: Zarah
Pairing: JC Chasez/ Justin Timberlake
Rating: Probably R
Summary: A lot of talking. And a few other things.
Disclaimer: Last time I checked, Joey was mowing the lawn, Chris and Lance were off doing... something, JC was sleeping, and here comes Justin. I think he wants to give me those pills that should restore my sense of reality. At least that's what my psychiatrist told me.
Warning: This story is slash, meaning it deals with homosexuality, so if you couldn't already tell by the paring, you know it now. Well, some people are offended by it, and if you're one of them or if it is illegal to read that kind of stuff where you live, I suggest you hit the Back button of your browser. Now. You've been warned.
Still here? Good. Then on to the story.
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Reasons
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Justin was beatboxing.
JC pretended not to watch.
"You know, he's getting better." Stretching his sore legs, Lance glanced at him.
"He's still drooling." Joey pointed out.
"But not as obviously as he used to." Chris agreed with Lance.
"He could have an "I want you, Justin!" sign around his neck and Justin would still be oblivious."
"Justin's blind."
"JC never gives him the Look when Justin is paying attention."
"The Let-me-kiss-you-all-over-and-fuck-your-brains-out look?"
"Yeah."
"I still say Justin's blind."
"That, too."
"You think he'll ever get a clue?"
"No."
"Only if JC flat-out tells him."
"Which will never happen."
"At least not in the next hundred years."
"Or in the next thousand."
"Get a clue, Justin!"
"JC's a coward."
"I second that."
"He thinks Justin's straight."
"He is."
"How do you know?"
"You ever seen him checking out a guy?"
"No."
"You ever seen him checking out a girl?"
"Sure."
"See?"
"He could be acting."
"Ever watched one of our videos?"
"'Course."
"Then you should know that Just really isn't that good of an actor."
"Maybe he's better in real life."
"You're not going to admit that you're probably wrong, right?"
"No. One of ten men is gay. Or bi. Why not Justin?"
"Where did you get that from?"
Chris shrugged.
"Positions, everyone!" Wade turned the music back on.
"You know, one of those days, we're going to find someone to kill you."
The choreographer laughed. "I love you too, Joe."
***
"I choose... Lance. Lancey-Poo, tell me: What flowers would you get your mother after your father's death?"
"That's sick."
"Why are we playing this again?"
"'Cause we were bored."
"I'm still bored."
"Then at least you can be bored while answering some question."
"You're supposed to answer them?"
"That's the point."
"The questions are boring."
"Everything's boring."
"You're supposed to answer."
"We already established that."
"Just reminding Lance because he seems to have forgotten."
"I already said that the question is sick."
"That's not an answer."
"Yes, it is. It's short for: Stop bugging the hell outta me because it's something I don't even want to think about."
"Lance said 'bugging the hell outta me'."
"Lance said 'bugging the hell outta me'."
"Can we move on now, please?"
"Joey, how much would you pay someone to kill our favorite slave-driver Wade?"
"I would give everything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home..."
"Chris, it's not your turn, and it wasn't the question on the card."
"The questions on the cards are stupid. We should invent our own question & answer game."
"'N Sync presents: What to do on a boring bus ride. The official question & answer game."
"How often did JC get freaky, freaky with his monitor?"
"What does Britney see in Justin?"
"No, make that: What does Justin see in Britney?"
"Agreed."
"Why does Lance still blush every time sex is mentioned?"
"Good one. Um... Why..."
"Joey, Chris, could we just go on with the game, please?"
"Sorry."
"Not really."
The Italian reached for the next card, read it, then, suddenly becoming serious, glanced at JC, read it again and looked up at Justin. "Justin. What would you do if your best friend told you he's in love with you?"
Justin swallowed.
JC left the room.
***
"JC? Josh? Can I come in?"
"It's not locked."
"Yeah, but if you'd rather be alone, or..."
"Justin, come in already. If we're talking, then I prefer to talk face to face."
The door opened and the young man walked in, leaned against the wood, seemingly not sure where to put his hands.
Well, so he was uncomfortable around him now. That was to be expected. JC smiled a little, a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
Justin cleared his throat. "I... Are you alright? I mean, you just stormed out of there, and... I don't know. Is it because of that question Joey asked?"
JC wasn't sure if his mouth hung open or not.
Justin didn't have a clue.
He still didn't know.
Was that even possible? Why did he have to fall for a real blonde?
Why?
Okay, looking at Justin, it really wasn't that hard to tell why someone would fall for him. But still...
Well, at least Justin's blindness had worked in his favor this time.
JC's urge to kill Joey became bearable.
***
He hadn't lied. After all, he was fine. Only hopelessly in love. But apart from that, he was fine.
Nothing to worry about, Justin, I'm fine.
I want to get freaky with you, but I'm fine, really.
I'm fine. You don't mind me lusting after you, do you?
No, I'm just in love with you, that's all. No big deal, right? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Totally.
Fine.
Fine?
If he repeated it often enough in his own head, then maybe he would start believing it.
***
Another concert. Close eyes. Smile. Sing. Ignore Justin's presence.
Kinda hard when the boy was doing that thrust.
Or moved his hips like that.
And...
He was getting a hard-on on stage. This was not good.
***
Okay, so maybe he was a little drunk. Tipsy. Shouldn't have downed that last drink. Or maybe the last two drinks. Three?
Had that been Justin's door he had just ran into?
Oops.
Get up, JC. Yes, get to your feet. No, don't hold on to the wall for support. If Justin comes out and sees you, then he'll think you're drunk. You have to stand on your own.
No, not like that. Steady. Not swaying from one side to the other.
Well, maybe you are drunk. No, it was tipsy, remember?
Head is swimming.
Don't hold on to the wall.
Blink.
Oh, hi Justin.
Smile.
I'm fine, you know?
Just in love with you.
But fine.
Fine...
***
"This has to be like, the weirdest thing ever. I mean, it's JC. JC doesn't drink. And yet he collapsed right in front of my door last night, smelling like he had taken a bath in whiskey."
"He didn't say anything?"
"Nah. Not while I undressed him and put him to bed, at least. He mumbled something about being fine when I left the room, though."
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
Justin wondered why Lance looked relieved all of a sudden.
***
His head hurt. So did his throat. And his neck. And... So his whole body hurt.
And light... Light wasn't making it better. Light hurt his eyes. Not that it mattered, with the rest of his body already hurting. Still, it would be nice if whoever it was would shut the curtains again.
And turn the stereo off.
One hand pressed to his forehead, using the other one to balance his weight, JC sat up, opening one eye hesitantly.
Justin's dark blue orbs stared directly back at him.
JC groaned and flopped on his back again.
"Well, and a nice morning to you, too."
"Turn off the stereo."
"Why?"
"My head hurts."
To his surprise, Justin obeyed. There was a short silence, then he felt the bed mattress shift under the added weight of Justin's body.
JC tried not to think of it.
"What's wrong, JC?"
"Nothing."
"That's not what you were saying last night."
JC's eyes flew open. "What did I say?"
Oh please, Lord, please...
"Nothing. I wish you would have, though, then at least I knew what's bothering you."
"I'm fine."
Justin didn't comment. "You know, somehow I have this feeling that everyone except me knows what's going on. Am I really that blind?"
Do you honestly want me to answer that?
JC kept his silence, and Justin sighed. "How can I help, C?"
"I'm fine."
"I don't believe you."
"Really, I am."
"You should record that phrase, then you wouldn't have to repeat it all of the time."
"I wouldn't have to repeat it if you'd finally leave me alone!"
Whoa, where had that come from? He hadn't meant it, hadn't meant to yell at Justin, not at Justin who was only concerned, who cared about him, sweet sexy funny cute smart oblivious Justin Timberlake. But it was too late.
"Fine. Be that way if that's what makes you happy. I was just trying to help. Sorry for caring."
"Justin..."
"The bus leaves in an hour. Get your stuff together till then."
Justin slammed the door on his way out.
***
"How are we feeling this fine morning?"
"Shut up."
"Nice sunglasses, JC."
"Shut up."
"Now if only your mood would match the weather."
JC clenched his teeth. "Leave. Me. Alone. Chris."
"Jeez. What's with everyone today? First Justin being all glaring and moping, going straight for his bunk to hide in there, and now you. Is this the International Bitching Day or what?"
"Justin and me had a fight. Besides, I'm hung over."
"Oh. Okay, that explains it. Why don't you go and fix it."
"I don't think I have the strength to face him right now."
"You know you won't be happy unless you talk to him."
"Right now, all I need is some sleep."
"Bet you can't fall asleep before everything's back to normal in Justin-and-JC land."
"Can you all just leave me alone about it?"
"What did I say?"
"You know what you said."
"It wasn't offending or anything."
"It was the implied message."
"And what was the implied message?" Chris's eyes settled on something behind JC's back.
"That you know about it. That fucking everyone knows about it. Okay, so I love him. I'm in love with Justin. Can you just leave me alone about it?"
"Um..."
JC whirled around, taking a step back upon seeing a very pale Justin standing in the doorway.
"I... I'm just going to... Um... My bunk, yeah, that's it. I'm just going to go back to my bunk."
Justin fled.
JC slumped against the nearest wall, his knees no longer bearing his weight.
Chris patted his hair and left.
***
Somehow, the days had lost their light. It was like a gray haze was covering everything, swallowing every ray of light, dimming the colors until there were only different shades of gray, some dark, some a little less dark. But they were all dark. Blue was dark gray. Red was still gray, only not quite as dark. And black was black.
What hurt the most was that he got to see Justin every day, Justin, the only one who wasn't covered by the haze, who must have managed to escape it somehow. Justin, who was still as bright and colorful as he had always been, his eyes sparkling blue, his skin pale and smooth, his lips soft and pink and his hair as golden as ever.
After all the gray, it hurt JC's eyes to look at Justin.
He was no longer used to brightness and colors.
***
Over breakfast, Justin looked at him, and JC noticed that even Justin became affected by the gray haze. His skin, his lips, his hair were just the way they used to be, his teeth hadn't gotten any less white, but his eyes...
Justin's eyes began to darken and lost their sparkle.
JC was glad that he could blame it on the haze so he wouldn't have to wonder if maybe he had been the one to kill their brightness.
***
When he got out of the shower, Justin was asleep in his bed, one hand curled under his stomach. Which would have been great - even if the boy had not been naked - if they hadn't spent most of the last two weeks avoiding each other.
Justin rolled over, the blanket revealing a muscular leg, part of a delicious looking hip and a hard stomach with pale, smooth baby skin.
JC grabbed his pajama and fled.
***
It happened again.
Only that this time, when JC's hand reached for the door handle, his gaze still fixed on the sleeping man in his bed, blue eyes opened, looking way too awake considering Justin had been asleep only a few seconds ago.
Well, he probably hadn't been.
"And where do you think you're going?"
"I..."
"Come here, JC."
"No." JC hadn't known he possessed this strength, enough strength to decline anything a naked Justin asked him to do.
"Why not?"
"Because... I can't take advantage of you."
"Do I look like I am about to be taken advantage of?"
"You don't know what you're doing."
"Yes. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm asking you to sleep with me."
"I can't. Not like this. It shouldn't be like this. I want you to want it just as much as I do."
"I do."
"That's not even possible."
"So you're saying that you want this more than anything else in your life?"
"You have no idea."
"Show me."
"Justin, I can't. This is not fair, to tempt me like that."
"JC, I want you to sleep with me, don't you get it?"
"You don't. Justin, you can't do something you don't really want just to make me happy."
"I don't. I want this, JC. Not only because I want to make you happy, but also because, because I love you, and I want to know if maybe there could be more to my love than just friendship."
"I don't think this is the right way to find out."
"It is the right way to test if there is any desire for you."
"Justin, this..."
"Stop contradicting me and come here."
With one smooth motion, Justin slid out of the bed, standing in front of it completely nude.
JC dropped everything and took a step towards him, his eyes going wide.
Justin smiled.
***
JC managed to catch Justin's wrist before the boy could leave the bed fully. "Stay with me?"
Too pleading. To insecure.
Justin turned around and kissed him. "I'm not going anywhere, JC. I just need to brush my teeth."
Staring after the younger man, JC slowly brought a hand to his lips.
***
JC kissed Justin's forehead, brushing a few sweaty curls away.
"I love you, Justin."
The boy murmured something, but he didn't wake up.
***
"You think they're gonna be okay?"
"Yeah. It's JC and Justin. Justin and JC. They'll be fine."
"What do you think is happening between them?"
"Right now? I'd rather not think about it."
"I wasn't talking about that."
"Oh."
"I think Justin is trying to make himself fall for JC."
"I doubt that offering him his body is the right way to do this."
"It's Justin's decision."
"JC and Justin always used to be different. Maybe for them, it's the right way."
"D'you think it will work?"
"If it was someone else, I'd say no."
"It's Justin and JC. Maybe for them, it will."
***
Justin moaned JC's name when he orgasmed.
***
As if he had received an electric shock, the brunette suddenly pulled back from Justin's body, staring at the love bite he had left on the blonde's inner thigh. He scrambled out of the bed, hand shaking.
Even before he could feel the warm body pressing against his back, JC knew that Justin was about to join him, knew it simply by the way his own body reacted to Justin's closeness.
"What's wrong?" the blonde murmured in his ear, voice still husky from his arousal.
JC leaned his forehead against the cold glass of the window, closing his eyes to keep the tears from spilling. He couldn't think, not with Justin pressed against him, not with the slight pressure of Justin's erection against his thigh, Justin's smell surrounding him, and Justin, Justin...
But he had to think, needed to think, needed to stop as long as he was still able.
It was wrong.
He knew it.
What they had been doing those last nights and even days sometimes, it was wrong.
Now all he had to do was act on it.
"This." he answered, answered Justin's almost forgotten question.
JC could feel Justin's frown against his neck. "What do you mean, this? Why is this wrong?"
"Because you're not in love with me. I won't let you do this any longer to yourself."
Justin flinched, JC could feel it. "Don't do this, JC. You can't just end it, not like that."
"Why not? Give me one reason why this is not wrong." JC lost the battle against his tears.
Justin's arms tightened around him, his voice sure and full of self-confidence. "Because I'm in love with you. It's right because I'm in love with you."
Weakly, JC shook his head. "You're fooling yourself, Justin." he whispered. "I know you love me, and just because you know that I'm in love with you, you're trying to make me happy in convincing yourself that you're in love with me, too."
He had to move out of the embrace, get away from those arms.
But Justin wouldn't let him.
"That's bullshit, JC. I know what I'm feeling. And I am in love with you."
"You can't be."
"Why not?"
"You can't be in love with me, because then you wouldn't have reacted the way you did when you found out about me."
"I was surprised."
"You avoided me for two weeks."
"I needed time to think."
"You're not in love with me."
"I am."
"How?"
"I don't know. It didn't happen all at once, I guess. I always loved you, and then, when we were avoiding each other, I really, desperately missed you. So I came to your room."
"Why naked? You could have just come to talk."
"Because I wanted to give you everything you wanted from me."
"Don't do this to yourself."
"What? You expect me to put myself before you? I can't, JC."
"You have to. You're not in love with me, so, if you won't stop pretending for yourself, then do it for me."
"Wait a moment, JC. I didn't tell you I'm in love with you just to make you happy."
"You had sex with me just to make me happy."
"Yeah. I did. But I wouldn't pretend having feelings. You know that I'm a lousy actor."
"Why should I believe you? How can I be sure that you're not only saying what you think I want to hear?"
Justin placed a feathery light kiss on his neck.
"Trust me."
"Why? You said yourself that you put me first, just as I put you first. So why should I trust you when you say that you're not doing this for me? You did it before, and I know that you'd say you're in love with me when you think I'd want to hear it. I can't trust you on that one. I'm risking you denying yourself."
"Trust me, JC."
"Why?"
"Because I love you. Because I'm in love with you. Because I want to wake up next to you every day of my life. Because there's no one else I'd rather be with, not now, not ever. Because I like that you can read me like an open book. Because I know you better than anyone does. Because I like the sex we're having. Because I'd love to be your boyfriend."
"Justin..."
"Let me prove it to you. Let me make love to you."
"Anytime."
"Then let's go back to bed."
"Okay."
***
JC noticed that the covers of the bed were blue. Not as blue as Justin's eyes, and that certain sparkle wasn't there, but still blue.
Nice.
*********
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Copyright: "I would give everything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home...": Everything I own, 'N Sync, The Christmas Album
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