Red Bull

Red Bull Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I am standing realizing that everything that has ever been told to me was a lie. I look at my mother who has this face on that I don't understand. It's as though she feels good at this moment with her lies. She has a half-smile spreading across her face.

"You've known about this all of our lives?" I realize putting it in question form but never really needed her to answer it. Of course, she knew about this all of our lives.

"Yes."

"You held this in..." I ask her.

"Yes."

Hearing my mother admit this I have no choice but to sit down the edge of the bed in order not to fall. I understand my brother is about to commit suicide and that's something I have to stop but this is heavy on me. So heavy that I sit down. I look over at Jamison realizing how fucked up he must be about this news.

"It doesn't make sense."

"They loved one another and I loved your father so much that I was willing to give him everything."

"Which father?" Jamison asks.

The gun is out of his mouth. He still holds it tight but now tears are streaming from his eyes and there is a weakness to the stance that he has. I know why he is upset.

"I think she's talking about the one you killed," I say.

Jamison squirms at the thought. Joshua gives me a look probably wanting me to shut up at this moment. But I'm not going to. Sparing people's feelings and avoiding the truth is what got us in this place for the first time.

"Yeah...yeah, I killed him."

It was still eating him up.

"It was self-defense," I explain to him, "He was abusive. You have to stop blaming yourself when it comes to this."

"Easy for you to say," Jamison argues, "Everything I touch turns to shit. Everything."

I wonder what specifically Jamison was talking about in this room but I'm scared to ask because he seems like he is going down a downward spiral. So instead of talking I just reach over and put my hand on his shoulder.

"I'm here for you brother, through whatever you've done."

"You have no idea what I've done..."

"We're here for you anyway," another voice states.

I'm surprised when I see Jamila walk into the room. She walks into the room and puts her hand on my brother's shoulder. From the look of things she already knew the revelation that my mother had given us about who our father is. Maybe that's why she was hiding outside of the house. She's gathered enough strength to be there in the moment that counts, however, and that is what matters.

"I don't deserve your support," Jamison explains, "You all don't realize what I've done."

"That's the thing about us," Jamila explains, "We are Wallaces. Regardless of who our father is, we are Wallaces and for some reason we are flawed. We are imperfect. We fight with each other because of that imperfection."

I nod in agreement, "Well said, Jamila."

"If you are so guilty about what happened with Dad we can fix things. We can reconcile with Simpson like mother said to do."

"He thinks we live in sin," Jamison states, "He won't have it."

"We can only try," I state.

I reach over and hug Jamison. Tears are streaming down his eyes. I understand him for the first time in a long time when he leans over to me and gently whispers, "I only wanted to correct all the fucked up things I've done and all I do is dig myself deeper."

"None of us know the answers...none of us knows the way North. All we can do is pray and hope we don't offend the man upstairs. Because I think that's who wants us to try to reconcile with Simpson."

I look over at my mother. I believed her. I don't know why but I believed her when she said God sent her back her to have us reconcile with Simpson and stop the madness that has been plaguing our family.

"How can you be sure that's what he wants us to do?" Jamison asks.

"God works in mysterious ways."

I think at that moment about how my sudden urge to be with Meek came about. I touch my lips feeling his kiss.

So I admit it, "I've never been gay. Never in my life, but I feel like God is telling me something. In the mysterious ways that he does. I should have been there more for Joshua. I should have been able to support him but deep inside of me I was so disgusted that there were so many of my old homies pining for my brother that I forgot about my brother's happiness in the midst of it all. And I want to apologize to Joshua."

Joshua is standing at the door. He's alone like always is. My mother is there looking at him with welcoming eyes as though to hug him but we all knew Joshua. We knew comfort wasn't something he was interested in.

"It's fine," Joshua states.

"No, it's not," I correct him, "It isn't fine and it never should be. I want you to forgive me."

"You're forgiven," he states shrugging it off in a way only Joshua could.

Jamila nods, "Me as well. I've used you for money, Joshua. I felt as though when I look in your eyes all I saw is a cash dispenser without realizing that you've always been the one to have my back. You took money out of the business to help me."

Joshua crosses his arms, "If you think for a moment that I would put business over my sister you are dead wrong."

Jamila nods. The thing is we all would have put the business over our family, except Joshua. He was the only one who wouldn't.

Joshua is breathing heavy. He is breathing slowly as well. I can tell he looks like he's about to cry in these moments.

Finally, after a second he acknowledges, "This is all I ever wanted. Do you know? I just wanted my family to be here. I just wanted us all to finally be able to talk without all the weight of the world overwhelm us. I wanted us to be able to find our way back to love. Because in the end...when the day is done we won't remember the money. We won't remember the moments even. When our day is done we'll remember how we were there for one another. We'll remember family..."

"We will go meet Simpson...all four of us. Together. The way it should be," I state, "Is that OK Jamison? Is that OK Jamila? Is that OK...Joshua?"

Jamison is the first to nod, but then Jamila follows up with a quick but solid, "yes." This is surprising because Jamila was never around. A part of me wonders if she's bullshitting by saying that she was gonna be there to meet with Simpson. I have no choice but to accept her answer and wait to see what happened.

My mother smiles.

"Jesus is all through this room right now," she whispers, shedding a lonely tear before turning to Joshua, "Will you go too?"

Joshua pauses. I know he's thinking about it and I think I have an idea what his reservations were. Simpson wasn't a kind man. He wasn't a good man. He was just as bad as our real father if not.

"The bible says..."

"I didn't know you were religious," Jamila points out.

"Shut up Jamila, Let him get it out," I correct her, "Go ahead, Joshua. We haven't been listening to you the way we should have but you start now."

Joshua nods, "I am religious. Every night I pray. I pray God forgives my sins. I don't proclaim it to the world as our father did. I don't go around hitting everyone in the head with my religion. Our father liked to think he was special for being a heterosexual male. To God, we are all sinners. We are all equally lost. And that's why he sent his son. Because we were lost. That connection, that love is something that I have to continue to show. We must honor our father whether it was is the one in the ground or the one still walking amongst us."

"So you'll come too?" I ask Joshua.

He walks over to us, "I'll come too."

I see him look at Jamison. They connect eyes. Joshua reaches over to touch Jamison but Jamison jerks back as though something is wrong. I don't get it but I watch him grab the gun off of the bed. The idea of Joshua even touching him causes him to withdraw and at this point, we are all confused. I honestly felt like we were having a breakthrough all the way around.

"I can't..." he states.

"Please don't tell me its a gay thing," I shrug, "We are past that. They've been lying to you about the homosexual demons that jump out."

"It's me..." he states, "I don't deserve to touch him. I don't deserve his forgiveness..."

Joshua shakes his head, "I'm over the conversion business. It's not your fault Jamison. Religious leaders have been leading people astray since the time of Jesus..."

"It was mine..." Jamison announces.

He says it in a firm solid voice.'

"What was yours?"

"The gun. Simpson gave it to me one night. Said it was a gift my father had given him. Said he wanted me to have the gun. I didn't know how to properly put the gun up. I didn't know and...and that's when my son got hold of it."

There is a silence that fills the room. There were some things I thought were forgivable but right now at this moment, I didn't know how to feel about Jamison. Right there at that moment, I think I"m disgusted by him.

"Your gun is the gun Sean used to kill Isabella?"

Joshua never blamed Sean for the death. He was such a good person that he made sure we knew Sean wasn't responsible. The problem is that he had left the man he loved because of this. He had left AK out to dry because of this.

"Yes..." Jamison states, before looking at Joshua, "I didn't intend anything. I tried to do right by you afterword. I figured if I can do right by you things would be fixed. I had no idea what doing right by you was. That lead me to all this conversion bullshit and..."

He trips over his words.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions," Joshua states, "Go to hell Jamison."

With that, Joshua walks out of the room. Normally I would have tracked him down. Normally I would have run after him and forced him to stay in the room even if it took physical measures. This time though I think Joshua deserved to storm out.

I'm left in those moments just worrying about both Jamison and Joshua. I'm worried that this time Jamison has gone too far. This time Jamison has done something to fuck up this family in a way we couldn't repair from.

~

The night passes and when morning comes I find myself sitting in a lawyer's office. Marcella has brought me here. She told me that it was in regards to the club but I had no idea exactly what we were talking bout.

"Here's the check to help rebuild the Marchioness," Marcella states, "Joshua wants you to have it. He wants you to be in charge of the process."

"Where is he going to be?" I ask.

Marcella doesn't answer, "Away..."

"You're not going to tell me where my brother is."

Marcella shakes her head, "I would if I could..."

Marcella's hands me the paperwork. I look down at it.

"I understand," I answer, "Thank you for being there for him, Marcella. You're a good friend. You're a great...person. You were always there in Joshua's corner and I've never explained how much that means to me that my brother has someone."

I wished I could have been that person for Joshua when he needed me most, but I realize that I wasn't. Marcella was. As I look at her I have to admit she's looking good. She has that classy sexiness about her. Her breasts are always so perky and her slim waist makes that butt of hers sit up a little bit. She brushes her fingers through her hair which is always ridiculously perfect with every strand in place. I remember her brushing her hair usually meant that she was nervous.

Marcella smiles, "Listen I'm just a helping hand."

"No you're more than that," I answer her, "I never met a girl so understanding. When I was going through my...situation, you were there for me. You helped me through."

"How are you feeling now...about Meek?" she asks.

"I don't know."

"You should figure that out," she states.

She gets up from the desk at that moment. I reach over however and grab her wrist, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"What if I care about you too?"

She laughs, "You can't handle both of us if that's what you're asking. You know you can't. Take the time and explore what you want. I'm not going anywhere. Besides your focus should be on your brother right now. I'm not going anywhere but he is..."

She was right. She was right.

I jump up, "I get it."

"Where are you going?"

"To focus on my brother..."

~

I arrive at his house. The house was right near the water. The house had floor to ceiling glass windows that peered out towards the water. It was modern and sleek. It fit Joshua's personality almost perfectly. When I get up to the door I"m surprised to see who opens it. As I walk in I notice that there is someone there but it isn't him.

"Keon?"

Keon is standing there with his arms crossed, "Hey..."

"What are you doing here?"

"What do you think?" He asks, " I was trying to get my ex not to take my daughter out of the country."

My mouth drops.

"Country?"

Keon shakes his head, "I couldn't convince him. So he is taking her out of the country. I don't think he plans on ever coming back."

"YOU LET HIM!"

Knowing that my brother was planning on taking my niece out of the country to live for good pulled at my heartstrings. I loved Eva. I keep thinking at that moment that this all has to be some weird joke that I wake up from.

There was no way that I had lost Isabella and was now losing Eva.

"He has full custody of her," Keon explains, "The last thing I want to do is go through legal red tape with him. I can't lose Eva though."

"Neither of us can."

I walk out of the house. I'm stranded and lost in my thoughts based on what Keon just told me. It feels like the entire world is weighing down on me.

I look down at my phone. I don't know what to do so I call the only person I can think of at that moment. I call Meek.

As soon as I pick up the phone and say, "Meek...I need you."

He responds almost immediately, "I got you."

~

We're in Meek's car and he's driving around Joshua's stomping grounds in Los Angeles. We're going to all the spots that Joshua would usually hang out at.

"Keon says that he delayed his flight. It doesn't leave until tonight. He's not at his house. And he's not at his usual hang out spots. We need to find him before his flight takes off."

Meek is just there for me. To have someone who was just with me this entire time meant something. It meant that he cared.

Meek pulls the car over, "Wait."

"What the hell are you doing? We need to find my brother."

"And then what?" he asks.

"What do you mean and then what?" I ask, "I'm going to stop him from taking Eva. I explained the situation."

"How are you going to stop him?" he asks.

"I'll beat his ass if I have to."

Meek laughs.

I shake my head and question him, "What's so funny?"

"You can't just beat your way out of things," he states, "You are going to have to think about what you're going to say to him. Why shouldn't Joshua leave?"

I'm confused about why he's asking that question.

"You are on his side with taking Eva?" I ask.

I am getting antsy and almost offended. A part of me is so offended that I want to jump out of the car and leave Meek to his own devices. Meek doesn't understand what is happening right now. He doesn't get the bond that I have with Eva. The idea of losing Eva to this situation scares the shit out of me.

"Stop. Think. I never said I was on anyone's side," he explains, "But I am going to say that I get why Joshua wants to leave, Joy. I do. He came back here to help his family and every opportunity he's given has been spit back in his face. If you want Joshua to stay you're going to have to give a reason for him to stay."

"A reason to stay?" I think.

"Is Joshua leaving anything behind here? Anything at all?" he asks, "Anything that he would possibly miss if he left beside the backward family that keeps stabbing him in the back----no offense."

"None taken," I state.

Truth be told it was a hard truth to bear that the family wasn't enough to have Joshua stay. The truth was that we had backstabbed him. Whether it be Jamila and our cousins begging him for money. Whether it be Uncle Regis desperately trying to wrestle control over everything. Whether it be Jamison trying to convert him away from his sexuality.

Or me. I'd been so angry that guys who I knew from the streets were going after Joshua. I was so angry that Keon and AK were guys I grew up with that all of a sudden went gay just to fuck my brother and shove it in my face. Or was that the case.

WIth AK...it was different. He cared for Joshua.

"AK..." I realize out loud.

I look over at Meek. His face seems to be pointing out that this is something he'd figured before.

He nods, "Sounds like a reason for Joshua to stay. If you can somehow convince AK to talk to Joshua then maybe you have a shot..."

"You're a fucking genius man!"

I lean over at that moment grabbing his face and pulling it into mine. I shove my tongue in his mouth but as he begins to kiss me back I realize something. Something is a little odd at that moment. Something that I don't realize.

"What?" he asks.

I'm confused, "Can we do that again?"

"Do what again?"

"Try to kiss me again."

He reaches over at that moment and tries to kiss me. Usually, by now there would be this spark. There would be warmth down under. I would be getting a hard dick just by kissing him. I would be turned on.

The weird thing is none of that happens.

He looks concerned, "Joyous, what happened? You look like something just happened..."

I shake my head. God worked in mysterious ways.

"I didn't like it."

"What do you mean that you didn't like it?"

Just like that whatever had come over me for this period was completely gone.

"I don't think I'm attracted to men anymore..."

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