Red Bull

Red Bull Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I remember at the age of 16, my little brother was at home and my father didn't like the way that he would walk.  See back then Joshua had what we in the hood called a switch. He walked in a way where his hips sways delicately from side to side in a feminine manner. 

"You need to teach that boy how to walk, you hear me?" my father states.

"How?"

I knew he walked strange but even back then I felt like I was fighting something in my conscious that was saying that my father was wrong.  But back then my father was my authority. So if I believed something was right or wrong didn't really matter in the end. All that mattered was to obey my father.  See it wasn't just that he was my father...it was also that he was a pastor. And most of the times my father never disconnected the two. For us he was a punishing father but also a strict religious leader.  He wouldn't go a day without reminding us of all the sins that sent you to hell.

And the sin touted above all else...stealing, fighting, cursing or even murder was being gay.   Before I learned not to kill in Church, I learned not to be gay.

Don't be gay, no matter what.

That's my childhood.

"Teach him how to walk right," my father said back in the day, "Not so feminine.  You know what I'm talking about."

"Why don't you do it?" I ask.

"Because I asked you to do it and you do what I say.   God is watching you boy...honor your parents. Didn't you hear that?" my father told me. 

I remember feeling so lost back then.  I remember wanting to push back but the most I can say is.

"It's just that Jesus said to love thy neighbor as yourself..."  he explains, "I don't think he'd want us...I don't know..."

"You going to tell ME what Jesus said boy?" he asked.

I remember back then not even being confused about why he didn't answer the question.  He never denied what Jesus taught.   

"If you don't teach him how to walk he will walk away from us.  If you don't teach him how to walk, he will walk away from God. He will walk right into sin and temptation.  And he will walk into the flames of Hell. Is that what you want, Joyous? You want Joshua to go to hell?"

"No..."

"Good. Then you have to change him.  For his own good."

Those words stuck in my mind for so long.  I knew that was what my father wanted. He wanted me to change him.  And for a long time I tried. For a long time I felt justified in changing who Joshua was.  Things were different now. It wasn't that I was older. It's that I was more religious now than ever before. 

And I regret not pushing back on his teachings.  I regret not arguing all the ways that Jesus celebrated diversity and had personal affirmations that gay people could tie into their lives and their faith.   I regret just letting my father shape the narrative. And now, even when he's gone, murdered by the hand of one of those kids he tormented, I feel him still. I feel him now guiding me. 

And I know that I am OK.

~

I started reading the Bible when my Dad died.  I don't know why. I just wanted to understand more about this man named Jesus.  I wanted to understand more about who he was. I wanted to understand more about how he worked.  So I did research at first. Googling him. I wanted to understand him more as a teacher. Then I realized I never read the Bible.  Ever since then I started to believe. I started to believe everything.

The lessons I learned from my father would stick with me all my life even if I didn't want them to.  The only thing I could do is correct them. The only thing I could do is try to be better. And it's weird how God works.  It's weird how one day you're sitting there thinking one thing and the next moment you're opened up to something completely different.

Something like a warm, wet kiss from another man that makes you feel a spark that you didn't think existed and makes you feel a thing you've never felt before.

But now in those moments your old life flashes back.

And Marcella is there...watching me feel on another man in her presence. 

"Marcella wait..."

It's too late.  Marcella storms out of the room without giving me the chance to talk.  I'm struggling to adjust myself. When she walked in, who knows what was going to happen.   I fix my pants allowing them to adjust at that moment. Meek seems confused as he looks up at me.  

When we get to the common area I notice that my brother was there but  Marcella has already left. The apartment that we are in belongs to my brother so it's no surprise Marcella took it upon herself to walk around.  Maybe she heard that I was here from my brother. I'm not quite sure. 

When she leaves though, Joshua is just standing there with arms crossed.

"She stormed out."

"I should go after her..." I say taking aggressive steps towards the door.

I'm held back by Joshua himself who puts his arm up and presses it up against my chest to stop me from chasing after my girl.  

"Marcella is strong.  She's the toughest person I know.  She'll be fine," Joshua explains at that moment, "I'm worried instead about my brother."

Joshua was right.  What if I cornered Marcella down somewhere?  I wouldn't know what to say. Marcella was a different kind of soul.  She didn't do emotion. She dealt in facts. The fact is that I was interested in someone else romantically and that I was confused about what that meant.  That wouldn't be a good enough explanation for Marcella. She would want more. And I don't think I was able to provide her more at that moment.

So I don't leave.  I follow my brother's instructions and I stop.  I stand there.  

"We'll find a way to get into Jamison's head," I assure him, "Don't worry.  We'll get Jamison back. This is just like one of those crazy ideas he got overly passionate about growing up.   We can fix him."

There is a pause.

My little brother is staring at me hard. 

"I'm not referring to Jamison.  I'm talking about you," he states, "I'm worried about you."

I'm confused.

"Why?"

Just at that moment Meek walks into the room.   He gives me a look and then gives a look to my brother.    I can tell that he looks like he is ready to leave at any moment.  It's awkward having him come in the room because he is somehow shirtless.  I don't remember when during our heavy physical contact that he left a shirt.  All I know is that he is attractive enough even to cause Joshua to break his neck and turn. 

He walks over to me with those tough abs that are so structured it seems as though he chiseled them out of stone himself.   He must realize from how we got quiet that something was off and manages to quickly put the shirt back on. It doesn't help how attracted I am because he comes close to me...too close, but then right when I think he is going to interact with me...he turns instead to my brother.

"I should get going," he tells Joshua.  

"Where are you going back to?" Joshua asks.

"Home.  The only home I know."

"With Pastor Simpson?" he asks.

There is a pause. The fact that he was returning there was shocking to me to say the least especially after all we saw happened.

"That is my job.  That is what I do until I find something else.  Can't live off the streets..." Meek starts, "Besides if I'm there I may be able to watch out for Jamison."

"Jamison made his own bed.  He can lie in it for all I fucking care.  I'm sick of looking out for him. We can give you a job at the club," Joshua states, "Come stop by.  I'll have my assistant Marcella help set you up for housing if you need it..."

I look at Joshua.  He was amazing. I think by now me and Meek realize it as we're staring at him wondering how he was able to fix a situation that easily.

"You serious?" Meek asks.

"You helped my brother," Joshua explains, "Me and my family, we serve the Lord.  And I believe in kindness. I plan on giving that back to you Meek, as best as I can.   So please...take the job and the apartment. It's the least I can do."

Meek is confused.

"I don't know what to say..."

"Nothing else is needed," Joshua responds before pausing and adding something, "Except maybe a goodbye to Joyous..."

Just at that moment Meek walks up to me.  I don't know why I'm nervous but he leans forward and does something I don't expect.  He kisses me. Not on the lips though. He kisses me on the side of my mouth. It's the gentlest kiss I'd ever experience.  I think he misses my lips on purpose. Because as soon as he kisses the side of my lips, they begin to tingle in jealousy as though upset that any other part of my body received that blessing.

"Goodbye Joyous," he says in the deepest, sexiest, sultry voice that I'd ever heard.  It was moments like this that I swore he had a past life as a phone sex operator.

"Bye..." I return back.

This entire interaction is being watched by my brother Joshua.  A smile spreads across his lips as he watches us interact. I cringe inside a little bit feeling guilty for liking the kiss for some reason. 

We both watch as the amazing specimen known as Meek makes it towards the door, turns back in this dramatic----almost Hollywood screenplay sort of way and stares back at me in this longing way as though he wanted me to come with him.   He doesn't ask though and I don't dare to assume that I am correct in thinking that. 

So I just stand there, staring at him.  This intense stare that I'd never felt with anyone else.  And when we are done staring he closes the door behind him.  

"You can breathe now..." he states.

I hadn't known I was holding my breath until I breathe.  It is a relief to feel that moment of excitement where you could imagine a million other moments with a specific person.  I just hold onto that moment as I get to the island and lean over. 

"So this is what it's like?" I state.

I think about saying it another way, but I can't.  I wanted to know if this was how it felt like to care about a boy.  Is this how it felt like to be gay? It was scary and yet wonderful at the same time.   It was similar to being straight and yet so different. There is a fear attached to liking another boy.  One that wasn't there when I was completely straight liking only women.

"Yeah."

"So what am I considered?" I ask him.

He shrugs, "You tell me.  What do you feel like?"

"I feel confused..."

My brother laughs a little bit, "Yeah...yeah I figured you would be.  It's a scary thing getting involved in a situation that makes you uncomfortable isn't it?  It's a scary thing getting involved with another man knowing that the world will judge you."

I press my face in my hands.   How many times had I scoffed at my little brother's needs to like other men.  How many times had I been on him trying to choose differently as though this was a choice.  Had I chosen to like Meek?

"I treated you like shit----"

"It's OK..."

"You don't get it.  How can I say what I need to say," I explain, "How can I find the words?  I remember Dad told us once that I should teach you how to walk. He told me one time that I should lead you somewhere.  I never understood what he meant back then."

Joshua laughs, "You know what it meant.  It's OK. He placed the act of being gay above everything else and he wanted you to teach me not to be gay.  He wanted you to teach me how to walk in a more masculine way.

I pause.

"How can I teach you how to walk if I don't know the way I'm going," I explain to him.

"You're being hard on yourself."

"Yes.  Yes I am, because for so many years I was hard on you,"  I took a deep breath, "You know the way. You are the successful one, you are the kind one and you are the forgiving one.  You are everything I want to be. So from now on I don't teach anything. From now on I listen. From now on I learn. From now on things are going to be different."

He looks at me intently.  I can't take it. Tears shed from my eyes when he looks at me.  I don't deserve to look back at Joshua. I should have known goodness by the fruit it bears.  I should have been able to tell Joshua's love from everyone else's hate. But maybe it took this.  Maybe it took conversion therapy and perhaps even a kiss from Meek for me to understand Joshua a little bit more. 

"How about this?" Joshua asks, "We walk hand in hand.  You're my brother. And I love you. I don't want you ahead of me leading me.  But I don't want you behind me either being left behind. Take my hand brother.  We can figure out this life together."

I look over at Joshua and all I feel is love.  It's a purity that means something. It's a moment that means the world.  And not even the tears flooding my eyes at that moment can blind me from the serenity I feel today.  

He leans over and holds my hand. 

"Can we pray together?" Joshua asks.

"You sure you want to do that?"

I have this bitterness at that moment.  I'm not sure what it is to. Was I mad at the church?  Was I mad at God? Who was it that made me believe that such a beautiful soul like Joshua was bad for this world? Where had I learned that.

Joshua answers my question without even knowing what I'm thinking about.

"Our faith didn't do this.  I want to pray with you brother."

I have no choice...even in my reluctance.  I'm so angry. So angry that I didn't treat Joshua better.

"I don't deserve it."

He nods at that moment, "Well one day.  One day we'll pray together. Until then...just hold my hand."

Joshua was too kind.  He was too forgiving. But I couldn't forgive the church.  Not now. Not ever. All I knew was anger in that moment.

And I never planned on praying again.

~

Something happens when you go looking for God and faith and you find hypocrites.  Hypocrites like my father, hypocrites like Pastor Simpson and hypocrites----even though it is tough to say----like my brother Jamison.  

And tonight...I was finally returning to the club.

"Welcome back boss..." the valet says as I open the door.

They like to kiss my ass because they knew that I'd always been the more relaxed Wallace brother.   Joshua could be very strict about deadlines and Jamison wasn't always seen as the nicest person to a lot of the staff or to anyone, really. 

"Where the hell you been?  I need a cash advance..."

I'm met by my cousin Sheila when I arrive.    The lights in the place are strobe changing from red to green and then back again.   I know that this is Joshua's party that he has going on so naturally the crowd was a mix of a bunch of individuals, gay, straight, black and white.  Most of our common patros skipped Joshua night because of how many people would be there. I'd heard my cousin Sheila complain about Joshua's club nights as well.  She said that he was too uppity and too bougie and that it would turn the hood off if we started allowing anyone in.

Joshua didn't care.  He tried to be as hospitable as ever pushing against Uncle Regis's side of the family.  Of course he was the one who revived Club Marchioness so they really didn't have much say at all about the path that he went down.  They were lucky he only had one of these nights and hadn't taken over the whole club with this. 

"No hey cousin---glad to see you alive.  None of that?"

A  few of her female friends who had spent so much time looking at me with lust in their eyes were now looking at me with something else.  I notice how she approaches me breaking up from the group of gossiping girls to join me.  

"Listen I support gay people, I heard you were struggling and..."

"Gay?  Who'd you hear that from?"

I don't need her to answer the question.  Right behind her I notice someone else got there before me.  I see in the VIP section that my brother Jamison is there. He's standing there uncomfortably but he's not alone.  I notice other guys with him. They had a section in VIP but they weren't drinking. They weren't talking. They weren't even nodding their head to the music.  I was beyond confused on why they were even there. 

Sheila has her mind set on one thing, "You do what you want to do.  I don't care as long as I get my cut for being a Wallace.'

"What have you done to help this club besides being a Wallace."

"I shout out the club on Instagram all the time."

I roll my eyes, "Chick if you don't get the fuck out of my face before I rip that cheap wig of yours off your scalp, glue and all and throw it in the fountain."

Sheila gives me a look.

"That's how you want to do this?" she asks.

"That's how I want to do it."

I knew Sheila.  She wasn't going to let go of it.  I watch her walk away with her overly tight dress looking desperate to get some attention that I doubt she'd ever get.  Not too far away from Sheila was Lionel who was dancing with a blond white girl that was all over him. Within a matter of seconds she's talking to Lionel and I'm sure they are talking shit about me.

The thing is the bullshit I cared about didn't mean anything anymore.   I take out my phone and write a few words in my notepad: What does God think about gays?

I don't know why I write it but I know that it is powerful to me in that moment.  It was something that I really wanted to know. 

"You hiding out?" a voice states.

I turn and see Joshua.  Knowing that he was here with the other members of my family comforted me.  It's not about the fact that we were all in separate areas of the room. It was more about the fact that we were together.  And we hadn't been able to be together for such a long time.

"Is Jamila around?" I ask Joshua.

"When is she ever around?" he asks in return shaking his head.

He's in pain.  I can see that.  

"I can call her.  I can fix this..."

"You always tried to fix things," he says shaking his head, "One thing I'm learning is to let people go.  If they don't want to be a part of what I'm building they can walk away. But stop trying to save everyone Joyous."

I struggle, "I don't know.  I just have this Cosby show idea in my head."

"The show is about the Huxtables," he explains to me, "They were fictional.   You already know what the REAL Cosby was like..."

He had a point.  A real good point.

"I don't want to leave them behind," I explain, "Especially not Jamison."

There is a pause.

"I figured you were going to say that," he states, "And that's why I invited him?"

"Why?"

"We are going to have meeting with him, squash things once and for all.   And this goes for all of them. The damn is about to break and unless they hop on this ship they are going to be washed away like Noah and the Flood."

The Flood?

It's weird but I look at my brother.  

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying the things happening to us are all happening for a reason.  I can't explain it. I don't think I even want to. But these are all tests.  Tests that are happening for the Wallace family. I'm not sure what it is And the biggest test is coming. The flood.  And if we don't believe we are going to be washed away. We are going to be washed away..."

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