Wednesday 9 July 2008
Fact of the day: the Iranians are bat-shit crazy
Today's news is reporting some worrying developments in the Middle East, with Iran test-firing a battery of long-range missiles this morning and yesterday, for "just in case." Do the citizens of the world honestly need to be continuously held to ransom on pseudo-religious grounds? Have we not moved on from King Richard and the Crusades? Really?
Unrelated, I had an excellent wank last night. There was a lot of cum, more than the average in recent tries, and... wow, is my only comment. I would like to at this point acknowledge and thank my penis for always being there when I need it, which is... often, shall we say.
Moving along.
I should probably delete that. If at some point someone reads this thing, that's just gonna be properly awks. But I dunno, leaving it in just in case someone is reading it is kinda hot, don't you think? I mean, I've discussed my cock in some detail here already, and if anyone is sneaking a read here and there... well, maybe they'll enjoy it.
At this point let's all pretend that the only people likely to be able to read this are not just my family, which any enjoyment would be properly grim and several different types of ick. In case you're self-aware and getting very Skynet-esque, Diary, you're contained on a USB drive which stays with me all the time, but the idea of leaving a copy on the desktop of one of the computers at varsity for anyone random to find does have a certain anonymous exhibitionist thrill to it, doesn't it?
New kink unlocked ;)
Also, wow, do I always talk in such long sentences? That must be irritating to anyone who has to read anything I've committed to paper, either electronic or actual.
I finally got around to having drinks with Colin last night, after an interesting shift at the restaurant in the morning. Pretty sure one of the new waiters, Luke, is gay, just a vibe I get from him despite my terrible gaydar. Noting I can put my finger on, just... I can't describe it as anything other than an overall feel. You know like when a movie is bad, but you can't find anything particularly wrong with it, it just doesn't really work for you overall? That's what I mean -- a vibe.
Anyway, Luke the new waiter. An ally? Or someone I need to be super-cautious around because he might out me, inadvertently or otherwise, if we get too close? More tricky than it might otherwise be because of course Al still works there too, so... it's definitely a risk. More as it happens on that front. He seems like a decent enough guy, a couple of years older than me, good sense of humour, easy to be around. He's not new-new there, but he wasn't on the team when I was still there up till early Feb before classes started, so he's new enough as far as I'm concerned. Definitely not my type, so that's probably a blessing -- not sure I can trust myself to not do something completely stupidly dangerous if I were properly attracted to the guy, so... yeah, I reckon that's a good thing. Admittedly it might be nice to have a hottie in my immediate surrounds, aside from my beloved Antony, but the safety aspect of non-attraction is probably better all around for me right now.
But yeah, Colin and I did our thing. I feel bad it took so long to organise, and more so because he kinda called me out on it yesterday, saying I'd suggested it would happen so many times but never invited him so he thought maybe I didn't really like hanging out with him after all. I couldn't quite tell if he was joking, but I have to be honest that it's entirely my fault for not getting my arse into gear and making it happen. It stung a bit hearing him say that, actually -- I don't want to be thought of as a flaky, fair-weather friend, and especially not with someone I really like as much as I enjoy Colin, so that was a proper wake-up for me. So I said mea culpa and asked when was good, and he said I'm free this evening so off we went. I already feel a bit stupid, I knew he was from out of town and I thought he was from Joburg, but it turns out his family are wheat farmers from about two hours' north out of Cape Town. So in addition to not following through with making plans with the lad, I haven't been paying attention to the stuff I should know at all.
Note to self: be better to the people you want to be friends with.
That said, the night was quite unremarkable, really -- we hit the Comic Strip during happy hour, Colin's suggestion, and then stayed for a while until the doof-doof house music got too much for us. That was almost immediately, in my case, but I was playing nice so waited for him to get bored with it. So we headed up the road to Marvel and danced and hung out and stuff there to a more alternative and emo beat, much more my angsty scene. It's not often we head out and about in town, the guys and I, preferring to stay rooted out in The North closer to home and go to Durbanville, or head significantly further south occasionally and to the usual UCT haunts like The Naut, The Pig, The Ruby and so on instead of hitting the middle of the city. But I do quite enjoy town. It's quite a different vibe, and the crowd is a little older and more sophisticated.
Ooh, get me being all hoity toity about where I go boozing.
It's true, though -- the South is very much chock-full of new-money upper-class out-of-town undergrads spending Mom and Dad's earnings while at varsity and whose aim still seems to be to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible, on drinks which are as expensive as possible -- everyone insisting Patron tequila is the only way to go, making like Cuervo is somehow suddenly absolute gut-rot, and the bars are laughing themselves silly selling it at a premium - and to stay that way for as long as possible. Yes, that's another long sentence. Town is more people who probably won't be washing vomit out of their t-shirts and/or jeans today, nor wondering where they left their other shoe. I'm not judging; but I do wonder at which point the mental adjustment occurs and the end-point shifts away from getting completely shit-faced, and becomes a slightly elevated level of actual refined enjoyment. I sincerely hope it happens with us soon; I'm kinda over the getting-plastered-every-night thing.
Okay, maybe I am judging a bit. It is kak stupid, though.
Anyway, I've mentioned before that I thought Colin might be gay, but I've also mentioned before that my gaydar is horrendous. I was kinda hoping he'd be blatant about it and suggest we meet at one of the bars in the Pink Quarter, but nope. I'm not sure if I should just tell him my story -- I mean, I have to tell SOMEONE at some point, right? -- and see if he goes along with it, or just play it out.
I'm also in two minds as to what I'd get out of knowing he was like me. Let's say he is and we find out about each other -- so what? Is that first prize for this part, just getting it out of me so I can unclench a bit? I'd like to believe that, but is it true? Do I want someone like me to be able to discuss stuff I can't with other people and have some commonality and a shared experience we help each other to navigate, is that what I'm looking for deep down?
Or do I really want to tell him in particular because I am incredibly horny all the time and so I assume he is too, because hormonal teenagers, and it follows that mayhap he will then invite me to his bed to blow off some steam? I like the gravitas of "mayhap", so sue me. Sleeping with Colin... a nice idea, perhaps, but just because we both like boys doesn't mean we'd immediately have the s3x with each other, does it? Sure I'd be lying if I said I haven't toyed with the idea, and that the scenarios in the er... "art-house" European films from pay-sites on the interwebz want me to think that is exactly how it would play out, complete with awful plots, terrible and also poorly-translated subtitles, worse acting, and of course large, uncircumcised penises being slung around all over the shop.
Although, truthfully, that would be a little more like average penises in Colin's and my cases, and also we're both cut, so... er... I guess really not at all like what I've just suggested, then.
Anyway, would I say yes if he did? It's probably a terrible idea, right, just ripe for fucking up friendships and team dynamics. I'd like to say that I would decline because it would definitely complicate things. But I think I probably would let him loose on me and then stress about it afterwards, because I'm pretty sure that spending ages making a decision and then freaking out at the last second that I've got it wrong and doing something counter-intuitive is my character arc.
Am I his type? Is he my type? Is he a top or a bottom? What am I, since I've never done either? Has he, do you suppose? I'm not even sure I have really thought about what I'd like to be or even what I think I am, if I'm honest. Vers, I hope, because why not have the best of both worlds, right? I have indeed fantasised about being on both the giving and the receiving end when I've had some me-time, but I don't yet have any hard (hah!) and fast ideas for when it happens.
But that is neither here nor there regarding where I hope this will go. Apart from us being honest with each other, why should I expect anything else? This is a dilemma, and no mistake. And if I out myself, will he keep it under his hat? If not, will it matter if he tells the rest of D&C? I'm tempted to say it won't because I want people to know, because I don't want to have to keep hiding it, but what if it's an issue and they hate us? Of course this can be applied to all areas of my life, but... am I making too big a deal of this?
JFC, how does anyone actually ever manage to come out with this much pressure and potential chaos swirling around them all the time?
You know, I've never been a fan of the loud/proud/OTT queeny types, but at the same time I am filled with admiration that they can live with that huge "fuck `em all" attitude, and just have the incredible courage to be themselves without letting the rest of the world dictate to them, come what may. Will I ever be that brave, Diary?
I hate to say it, but I don't think I will.
It's a pretty sobering realisation, though, that I just don't back myself to ever get there. Because if I don't back myself, who will?
Either way, I'm still not sure that Colin isn't straight. Furtive glances in the locker room at your neighbour's junk doesn't tell you much; everyone looks, according to Men's Health, especially the heteros, and only sometimes involuntarily. I tried the other trick while we were out, which is watching what he watches when a hot guy or girl passes, but I didn't get any concrete data from that, either. I suppose one's type plays a role in that, and if nobody who is his type comes past then the whole thing is a washout. Also... who the hell is the Hannah he mentioned all those months ago? He didn't mention her again, and I couldn't find a way to crowbar her into the conversation, so... still kinda in the dark here, and given how well I didn't with the Trail of the Great Pregnancy Test I don't know if I can trust any digging I might do to arrive at the right answer. I could just be brazen and flat-out ask him, but then if he asks me back what do I say? Gotta be prepared for that and have a strategy I hold myself to, and I don't know if I am.
Still, homo or otherwise he's a nice guy, Colin, and I need to make more of an effort to solidify our friendship. The more I chat with him the more I realise how much I enjoy being around him. He's got such an interesting worldview, and such a vast knowledge of random things, and he's someone I really do need to work harder at keeping around. Six months on from starting varsity and I seem to have mostly new acquaintances as opposed to proper new friends, and that's my fault. Varsity Trevor, Paolo and Colin and the rest of D&C, my super-sexy Antony... all seem keen to be mates with me but I reckon I've come on far too dilute and I need to change that. This is supposed to be the time of my life, according to many films I've seen. So... second note to self: get on with it.
So I got on with it, and I texted Antony and we're going to grab a drink later on this evening. It'll be nice to see him, the big old cutie pie. Alas apart from his drunkenly groping my arse at his party those few weeks ago -- and I'm still sure sure sure he did, hey -- I've no reason to think he's anything other than straight either.
sigh etc. -C
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