Reese

This is a work of fiction with an adult theme. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the story: Frontrnrusa@netscape.net

Reese (Part I) By: Holloway Copyright: 2003 Holloway H.

Pain rips through my arm, my brain reacts to the feel of blood and bone splintering through the taut covering of skin, for the moment reality is not a consideration. Quickly my mind catches up with the damage to my body and I find myself lying on my back, the smell of sulfur-tinged smoke fills the air. The camo-green shirt covering my chest begins to change colors as the fabric soaks up the dark color of oxygenated blood flowing with abandon from ravaged openings in my skin. Within minutes a corpsman huddles beside me, I feel a stick and the sunlight becomes brighter and I drift back home.

Just 11 months ago I turned 17, driving a friend's Volkswagen, the major worry was whether or not they would have my flavor at A & W Drive In. My eyes open slowly, and once again my nose is filled with the acrid smell of sulfur and blood soaking in and drying on the dark and scorched earth. My eyes attempt to focus on the region of my body above my abdomen and below my neck, the pain begins to pound and once again I feel a momentary stick in my arm and again I am rushing through blackness. Minutes seemed to have passed and my eyes open, from the position of my body, I know I've not been moved.

Our unit Corpsman is huddled by me, he begins talking, and I can barely hear him much less understand, "Corporal, you've been hit in the side there's no morphine left. Battalion hasn't been able to get a chopper in to get anyone out, enemy fire is keeping us pinned down."

My mind was cloudy and I felt like I was slurring my words, "can we hold our position?"

The corpsman looked at me, "I doubt it."

The uncertainty of his voice, the fear I heard pushed me forward, "you've got to give me a weapon, I can't be captured like this they'll torture me to death."

The Corpsman looked at me, shook his head, and handed me his 45, I pushed it under my shirt, I looked up at him, "thanks."

He attempted a smile, his hand lay gently on my forehead trying to determine the temperature of my body, "I'm sorry." He crawled away leaving me surrounded in a make shift cemetery of black plastic bags containing the bodies of people I had eaten a meal with just a few hours ago, kids my age without a chance to discover what growing up meant. I felt at peace, lying here beside the brave and the dead, in a foreign country, thousands of miles away from Main Street and a movie theatre. Slowly my mind began to wander and I drifted off to sleep.

I was jerked back to reality, my muscles started to spasm the movement sent searing pain through my entire body, I fought to hold in the screams emanating from my brain just one sound could giveaway my position and end this suffering. I held myself silent, praying reinforcements might still arrive. Tracers crisscrossed overhead, their red glow attempting to pinpoint a target. Repeated rumbling of grenades excavating the earth and the endless belching of bullets made the entire area a no mans land. Yelling and occasionally screaming broke the familiar sound, as some unlucky soul was bulls eyed by one of the numerous bullets filling the air.

The Corpsman, crouching low found his way back to me, he began to pull me by the neck of my cammies, he was moving back toward the position my unit still held. The movement created constant and almost unbearable pain throughout my body, my teeth gritted tightly making my gums hurt, I could taste the salty flavor of fresh blood in my mouth. We moved slowly backwards in fits and starts until we reached our destination, for the moment out of the line of fire. The Corpsman pulled me into a deserted foxhole and positioned me as comfortably as possible, he checked my wounds his face passive as he removed the bandages he cleaned the areas and bandaged them again. He attempted to make me comfortable, "Josh, I'm going to get you something to drink and something to eat, I'll be back." He moved away quietly and returned the same way, holding a wool Army blanket, canteen, and a C Rations box. I hadn't eaten nor had anything to drink prior to the attack this morning. He folded the blanket next to me and carefully moved me off the ground onto the blanket. The movement was hell but the softness of the blanket quickly helped to dissipate the pain I felt. He poured some water on a piece of bandage he held in his hand and slowly wiped my face, he gently cleaned the dried blood from around my mouth. "Josh I'm going to lift your head a little, take small sips, drink as much as you can." I nodded and he lifted my head with one hand putting the opening of the canteen to my lips the first sip brought about a choking episode. Calming down, I began to slowly sip on the cool water, the salty taste in my mouth eventually found it's way to my stomach, I drank until he pulled the canteen away from my lips and lay me gently on the blanket. I watched him as he pulled the canteen cup from the bottom of the canteen and tore open the C Ration box and opened a can using a P38. He stirred the contents before opening another can, until he was satisfied. He pulled a spoon from his mess kit, "Josh I'm going to feed you some eggs, they aren't going to taste that great cold, but, you'll feel better if you eat something."

He put the spoon to my lips, my nose revolted, but my lips opened and I swallowed each mouthful until nothing remained. "Thanks, what's your first name?"

He wiped my face with the wet bandage then he slowly straightened my hair and rechecked the bandages his face remaining passive. He cleaned himself, ate, sat with his back to the earthen wall just inches from me and we talked, "my names Stanley, everyone calls me Stan back home."

Stan hailed from Texas. I could have figured that out myself, he wasn't real tall but he was compact with short, reddish blonde hair. He was sure of himself and decisive under pressure. I ask him about his family, he looked up in the night sky and began to talk, "My Dad was the sheriff in this small town called Dowdy Texas where we lived. He'd get calls all times of the night, one night he went out on a call and didn't return. About two hours later the minister from our Church followed my dad's deputy stepped into our living room and delivered the news my Dad had been killed. There was good news too, the killers had been caught and were locked up in the town just over twenty-five miles away. After the funeral and the days that followed, reality hit, it was just mom and me. I loved my Dad and as often as not the minute I thought about him I began to cry. Mom began work about a month after my father's death. Mr. Henry owned Henry's hardware in town and he like everyone else in the town wanted to help out. Mom kept his books, waited on customers and about anything else he asked. Mom's job saved our house, if nothing else we had a place to live and call our own. Dad's death killed something in all of us I missed being held, sitting on his lap and the two of us reading together the smell of his after shave filling my nostrils. The feel of his hair when he came home tired and lay on the couch and let me smooth his hair until he fell asleep. It wasn't fair for my Dad to be gone because someone didn't want a speeding ticket, they'd been drinking and figured it was easier to kill my dad then suffer the consequences of their stupidity.

I was 12 when my dad died and by the time school started, the man that killed my dad had a hearing in the courthouse, he pled not guilty to a charge of murder. On my 14th Birthday, the man that killed my father was sentenced to die in the electric chair, finally we had closure, the trial was over, and our lives would begin all over. Mom was lonely I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I wasn't surprised when Mr. Arnold called for Mom. His wife had died of cancer the year before my dad was killed his son Tim and I had been best friends since we were little kids. Each time Mr. Arnold came over and picked up mom he dropped off Tim. Tim and I would play catch or watch a movie, it didn't matter what we did as long as we were together. I can remember we were watching a movie and Tim began to cry out of the blue, he looked at me with tears streaming down his face, "Josh do you miss your dad?" I tried to smile at him, "everyday." He shook his head, "I miss my mom too." I could feel my own face heating up. "Stan if our parent's get married you and I will be brothers." I scooted over to Tim and put my arm around his neck, "I'd be proud to have you as my brother." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and attempted a smile, "thank you Stan, I'd love to have you as my brother too." By the end of the year, our house was up for sale, I had a brother and a best friend, and Mr. Arnold was now my mother's husband.

Tim took to mom right away he desperately needed her understanding as he slowly dug himself out of the sadness in his heart. I can't count the nights the two of us lay in the same bed talking about our future then Tim would get quiet and in a few minutes he'd be asleep.

My senior year I began thinking seriously about college. I had the grades but not the money and it would be virtually impossible to find a scholarship. Nelly was Mr. Bozeman's daughter he was the owner of the grocery store. She was tall for a girl and had the most beautiful black hair and her personality was just as pretty. She had a kind word for everyone. During summer Nelly and a couple of her friends were down at the clay pits swimming when Tim and I showed up. All of us sat around in the sun talking and cutting up. She and I became friends over time and slowly we became boy friend and girl friend. She was special, after school we studied together, sometimes she was aggravated because Tim was around, but I reminded her he was my brother, that seemed to appease her for a few minutes.

The few times we were actually alone for any length of time she wanted to make out, I enjoyed learning to kiss with her, but the minute she wanted to go further I froze, something wasn't right. Tim had walked in on us making out, I heard him gasp and run upstairs, I stood up, got Nelly out the front door and ran upstairs after Tim. He was laying the in middle of the bed crying. I closed the bedroom door I didn't need mom asking him what made him cry. I lay next to him and put my hand on the back of his head and stroked his neck asking him over and over what was wrong but he refused to talk to me much less look at me. As dinner neared he was calmer, I got him to turn around, he looked at me, I don't want you to marry her and go away. I hugged him, "you're always going to be my brother." He broke into a smile, grabbed me putting his hand on the back of my head and kissing me on the cheek making noises, pretending it was me and Nelly, I tickled him and we both ended up falling off the bed laughing.

I avoided Nelly from that moment on, I couldn't see her again, I felt nothing. After school one Friday I went by the recruiters office at the AFEES station near the bridge. The Army Recruiter greeted me, taking me back to what looked like an empty classroom. He gave me a battery of tests to determine what jobs I would be both academically and mentally ready to take on. The recruiter I spoke with was Drill Instructor Evans. He told me with great pleasure how hard military training could be and I had to admit he managed to scare me. He talked about the GI Bill and a monetary bonus if I chose the Infantry for four years, he told me that the GI BILL and bonus would get me through college, and still give me enough to live on until I graduated with a degree. I was pleased with all the information he'd given me and after signing into the delayed entry program I headed home.

During the evening meal I explained to everyone that I had joined the Army under the delayed entry program pending completion of my high school coursework and graduation. Mom looked at me and began to cry Tim followed her lead. Mr. Arnold extended his hand, "the service will be good for you and once your tour is up, you'll be ready for college." I shook his extended hand and thanked him. Mom got up from the table Tim did the same. Mr. Arnold and I continued with our dinner, he shook my hand and congratulated me once more as he rose and went to comfort my mother. Tim was sitting on the bed his back against the wall, he stared at me the minute I walked into the room, the look on his face told me he either hated me or wanted to kill me I wasn't sure. I closed the door and went to sit beside him, he pushed me away, I looked in his eyes, he shook his head, "you don't get it do you, you probably never will." He stood up, walked past me without a word, and went to his room I didn't see much of him after that evening.

The confusion in the house was making me crazy the recruiter had already secured my mother's signature because I was only 17. I called the recruiter and asked him to speak with the school counselors about me graduating early as I had completed all the requirements and was just wasting time I told him I wasn't going to attend graduation ceremony anyway.

On May 12, 1969, I woke up at 6:30am, went downstairs and had breakfast I had said my goodbye to mom the night before. Tim refused to speak to me much less say goodbye. Mr. Arnold finished his coffee, walked out, and started the car, I waited until the last minute for Tim but he didn't come downstairs. I walked out to the car sat in the front passenger seat for the 25-minute ride to the AFEES Station. Mr. Arnold pulled up to the door, looked at me, extended his hand, we shook, and he wished me well and pulled off.

After I graduated from Boot Camp I went home for 10 days of leave. Tim seemed to be uncomfortable around me, I tried so hard to recapture our easy friendship but Tim avoided me whenever I tried to get close to him. The next thing I knew my leave was up, I was on my way to Fort Sam Houston Texas for Corpsman training. I did well in training, I enjoyed helping people and before I had time to realize it the time had flown by. About a week before graduation, I received notice that my class would be shipping over to Vietnam.

I was naïve, I don't think I even thought about danger, I could only see me helping soldiers that had been injured, I don't even think it crossed my mind that people would be killed, I just didn't think about it. I called home and told Mom, she began to cry hysterically, Mr. Arnold got on the phone, I told him the news his reply, "Oh my God son, you've got to be careful. I heard his voice tremble, I never thought they would send you."

I heard Tim's voice in the kitchen then he picked up the phone, "Stan, I'm sorry for everything, I should have told you what was going on but I couldn't. Two things, I want you to promise to be safe and come home and the second thing is I love you, you know what I mean?" He cried into the receiver, "if anything happens to you I'll die."

I worked to calm him, "Tim, you're my brother, I love you too and I'll be home safe and sound, you just keep those letters coming." In between his tears he promised to do as I asked, I told him once more I loved him and asked him to give my love to everyone. My phone time was over, the next soldier stepped up to the phone, and I passed the receiver to him."

I looked at Stan his eyes closed as he talked, he was a gentle guy, and the kind of person you wanted taking care of you when you're hurt. You knew he was full of compassion and would do everything in his power to keep you alive. I began to feel a sense of peace, I hadn't even noticed the almost calm, only sporadic small arms fire remained to break up the stillness of the night. I knew the quiet was a regrouping practice, the enemy was seeking entry through the front lines and at anytime would attack in mass, if we could survive the night we had a chance.

Stan checked the safety on his M16, he usually didn't carry a weapon but everyone was needed to try and fend off the enemy until morning. I asked Stan to help me sit up with my back against the wall facing out I was still strong enough to fire a weapon if it came to that. Stan looked at me with a smile, "you're something to say the least." He got me in a sitting position then checked my bandages to make sure what little blood I had left wasn't seeping out of me, satisfied he returned to his spot against the wall, "tell me about you now."

I could barely lift my head so I closed my eyes, "I was raised in St. Augustine Florida some call it the oldest city in America. I loved it we had beaches, tourist, and fishing I loved to fish every chance I got. My mother put me up for adoption at her parent's urging because she wasn't married. My grandmother's sister heard about me, they came over to look at me I must have passed the review because they took me home with them. They didn't adopt me because I was already family, the only thing they did was give me their own dead son's name. They were old folks when I was born, and only got older with each year I grew up. It wasn't bad living with them they weren't use to having a child around, so I slowly learned to live quietly within myself. I attended school and made fairly good grades. I was on the school paper and in orchestra I played the Violin.

As soon as I turned 16 I ran away, I put my thumb out on the highway and ended up almost two months later in California. It wasn't hard to find a place to live what with all the free love members hanging out. I enrolled in school and continued my education, sleeping here and there, the same with eating. As soon as I graduated I was in the Army, it's the first real home I've ever had.

Stan looked at me "you've had it hard, I'm sorry it doesn't seem fair." My eyes searched his face "the streets may have been a good thing for me, made me grow up. Made me face the fact that we do what we have to in order to survive sometimes."

I shivered, Stan looked at me, "what is it?"

"I'm cold." I replied. I saw the alarm in his face. Stan moved in close to me and put his arm around my shoulder and held me without causing me pain. My head felt heavy, I closed my eyes and tried to relax. The moon was high in the sky when I opened my eyes. I heard Stan breathing peacefully asleep.

I looked around and near my foot I saw what looked like a bright star floating around, at first I thought it was a firefly, then it began to move slowly up my leg, it wasn't hot or cold and I felt no pain. The light eventually rested on top of the bandages covering my side and then slowly it moved to the edge of the bandage and began to move into the wound. I felt nothing and at the same time I knew I would survive, I don't know how I knew but I did, then fear of the unknown caused me to move around waking Stan. By the time he opened his eyes, the light was well under the bandage, and I began to question my own sanity. Stan checked on me then covered me over and stayed next to me until the morning, when we were both awakened by the sound of choppers filling the air.

Stan jumped up out of the hole and quickly made his way to the command post and back within minutes. He returned with two soldiers, quickly they gathered me up and carried me to the drop zone, at any moment choppers would attempt to land, and the enemy would open fire when anyone moved near the chopper. I squeezed Stan's hand as he coordinated the three of them setting me on a cot. He looked in my face and smiled, "you're going to be all right."

I held his hand tighter, looking up into his face, "Thank you for saving my life."

He shook his head, "God saved you not me.

He quickly jotted down his address and placed it in my top pocket, "Josh write me, I'd like us to keep in touch."

I let go of his hand, "thank you."

He laughed, "Okay you owe me, I better hear from you." Before I could reply the Choppers began to land and everyone moved quickly to complete whatever work was necessary to get the birds back in the air. I was loaded roughly on the chopper, a waiting Corpsman injected me with Morphine, and I drifted off without saying goodbye one last time to Stan.

My eyes tried to adjust to the lights overhead, my clothes had been removed, and I shivered under the sheet that covered me. An Army nurse moved around me, "Josh you awake finally?" I tried to nod my head and began to choke from the tubes down my throat, the nurse quickly put her hand on my forehead, and told me to relax the tubes would be removed soon. I closed my eyes and tried to forget the tubes, slowly my gagging reflex eased and I was able to lie quietly. What seemed like forever ended when the Doctor walked over and began to examine my wounds? He seemed puzzled by the speed of healing, he took several notes, and once he was satisfied, he explained they were going to remove the tubes and I would be breathing on my own shortly.

The nurse removed the tape holding the tubes in place on my face and with one quick movement the tubes escaped my body, I began to cough, the nurse quickly pushed my head back against the pillow and massaged my chest until my breathing returned to normal. The exhaustion of the moment was more than I could handle and I drifted off for several more hours of dreamless sleep. I woke hungry, my arm hurt and my side made moving uncomfortable, a nurse came into the room and turned on a small lamp next to the bed, "are you feeling better?" I looked at her and tried to talk my throat hurt and my voice was barely audible. She smiled, "hold on a minute, the tubes you had in you do that." She lifted a cup with a straw attached and put it to my lips, I began to drink slowly, the liquid quickly eased the sensation in my throat, "where am I?" She sat the cup down "you're in a MEDEVAC hospital we're waiting on a flight to take you back to the world your tour here is over."

I looked at her questioningly, "what's wrong with me?"

She smiled, "you've had some severe damage to your left arm and right side, nothing physical therapy won't be able to correct with time." She smiled at me "a friend of yours from the field was here he sat most of the night with you before having to return to his unit. He wanted me to tell you he'd see you soon, and that he was writing his parents letting them know you would be recovering at Fort Sam Houston." My face broke into a smile I felt a strange happiness knowing I had a friend like Stan. The nurse brought me some broth and Jell-O patiently feeding me until I was exhausted and once again slept.

My ears felt strange, I woke up and could barely hear, the pain in my side throbbed I felt miserable I couldn't open my eyes it felt like a crust was covering them. A corpsman walked by and began to talk to me, "hold on soldier, I'll clean those eyes up and you'll be able to open them." I felt a cool cloth gently wiping at my eyes and slowly I was able to open them fully, I looked into the face of the Corpsman, "thanks." He checked my bandages, took my temperature and blood pressure, "how you feeling?" I told him about the throbbing, he pulled the sheet back some, he noticed my prominent ribs, "You look like you're starving, you've got to eat, after that I'll see you get some pain medication. It isn't going to do you any good if your body can't help fight to get you better."

I tried to grab his hand, but I couldn't move my arm at all. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. The Corpsman lifted the wet cloth to my face and slowly cleaned me up, wiping away my tears, "you'll be okay." He winked at me and walked away, returning with a tray of food. He placed his hand on my forehead and smoothed my hair while he fed me with a spoon in the other hand. He talked about current events and what had been going on back in the world, before I knew it I had eaten everything on the tray, he smiled at me, "great job." He walked away with the tray, returned with a syringe, he pushed the needle into the tubing already feeding liquids in my body and almost immediately I fell asleep.

"Josh, Josh, help me, Josh its Stan, help me." I ran around looking for him, I could hear the explosions and the barrage of bullets but I couldn't find Stan. I became frantic screaming out, "Stan where are you, Stan, Stan." I dropped to my knees and began to pray, "God help me find him." I crawled around as rain began to fall in torrents the ground turning to mud. I moved on my hands and knees looking for him, the mud up to my elbows. I could still hear him, his voice was fading, I crawled on until I came upon the body of a soldier I had known, I moved over him slowly only to find his life was over, he was dead. I heard Stan's voice almost a whisper now I crawled faster and found him his chest ripped wide-open, blood mixing with rain and mud. I lifted his body and held him against my chest, I talked to him, trying to comfort him, the pain he was experiencing was more than my words could stem. As if driven by its own thought my hand moved into the open cavity of his chest. Stan's eyes were closed, I knew his death was near, from the fingers of my hand, a light began to shine, my body tingled, and then shock waves moved through me shaking my soul to it's very core and just as quickly the light was gone. I looked down at my hand, Stan's blood had stopped flowing, and he opened his eyes slowly, looking up at me, "thank you."

I woke up screaming the pain unbearable, I opened my eyes, I was being moved off the aircraft, a nurse ran over and I saw her hand move into her pocket, I felt a stick in my arm and then nothingness again. The brightness of the room prevented me from seeing and I had to squint. Several people surrounded me examining my wounds then moving on to the next person. A Nurse lifted my hand, "Josh you're in the hospital in Texas."

I looked up the guy wasn't much older than me dressed in white. He lifted my arm and took my blood pressure, then my temperature, he examined my bandages, my side had begun to seep, he called for another nurse and they called for a doctor, I couldn't make out what they were saying but within minutes I was asleep once again. I woke with a start it was pitch black, then I heard someone coughing and I became scared. A nurse came into the room, I was cold and hungry, through slurring words I tried to tell her what was wrong, "Josh, I'm going to get you another blanket and something to eat." She returned with a blanket and covered me up, then she turned on a light, I was the only person in the room, she smiled at me, "Let's try some of this, see if you can swallow okay." She put a spoon to my lips and the Jell-O slipped easily down my throat, it was soothing and helped to curb my hunger. She talked to me the whole time, telling about a soap opera she had been watching, when I finished the Jell-O I asked her to write a letter for me, she smiled, "I'll be back in a little while with some paper."

She was gone almost an hour but came back with a pen and a pad, I dictated a letter to Stan thanking him for all he did to save my life and how much his friendship meant to me, I also told him about my dream. I was exhausted by the time she folded the letter and completed the envelope I thanked her and drifted off to sleep. Weeks passed, I still couldn't get out of bed, but I could sit up and watch television. I hadn't heard from Stan, I waited and worried, he was the only connection to another person I had. By the end of the month, I received a letter from Stan, "Josh, I'm really pleased you're doing better. I owe you my life, your dream was real, VC had overrun our post, I was shot in the chest several times and left for dead. Something told me to call out for you, I did and you came and healed my body completely, I don't know how, but I know miracles happen and you're my miracle. Thank you for my life, for as long as I live if you ever need anything ask. I hope next year when my tour is up that you and I can spend some time together, please write me it makes me feel better to know you're near. Your friend, Stan." I could feel a smile cross my face it was nice to know I had a friend like Stan. Several days later Stan parents and his brother Tim dropped in on me, they spent the better part of a day keeping me company, they left fruit, flowers and magazines, for once in my life I got to see what a real family was like. Tim promised to come by again later in the week.

Physical therapy began the following morning, I was in major pain, my arm felt like I had taken another bullet, slowly the muscles responded and not more than 20 minutes after we began we were finished for the day I was exhausted. I returned to my bed in time for lunch, my appetite had all but disappeared I had heard the doctor's talking to the nurses about starting to feed me intravenously if I didn't eat on my own soon. My weight was down to about 122, even at 5 foot 8, that's small and I didn't feel like eating the thought of food made me physically sick.

My head hit the pillow and I was out like a light, I slept the better part of the morning waking just after 3pm. My eyes were crusted over again, I tried to rub my eyes without a lot of success, I felt a warm cloth on my eyes, "be still for a moment, the warmth will moisten your eyes and you'll be all right." I knew the voice but couldn't put it with a face. Once the warm cloth was removed, my eyes were gently wiped and I could open them fully, I looked up into the face of Tim, he was all smiles, "morning." His smile was infectious, "morning, and thanks." I replied.

He uncovered my lunch tray and noticed I hadn't eaten, "you trying to starve yourself to death?"

I lost my smile quickly, "no, I'm not hungry."

He shook his head, "I bet if your parents were here you'd eat."

I looked at him, "I don't have any parents, any family, any one, so just leave me alone."

He smiled, "my brother wrote me that you were a tough guy and I already knew you didn't have any family, so don't lay a guilt trip on me." Tim went to the end of my bed and turned the crank until I was in a sitting position. He lifted the washcloth and began to wash my face, "now you look better, let's eat." He uncovered the tray, cut the meat and proceeded to feed me, I hated not being able to feed myself, but I needed human contact, all my life that is the one thing I had missed. I managed to eat nearly half of what was on the tray Tim smiled at me "I knew you could do it." He began to clean up, he went to move the tray, and I called him, "Tim, I'm sorry, being a jerk is just natural for me." He looked down at me, "you know we're both the same age, but you're still a little boy in a lot of ways and that's okay, I'll be here again tomorrow."

I looked up at him and for the first time in months, tears washed over my cheeks. Tim wiped my face once again, "all right I'll stay until you go back to sleep on two conditions, first you stop trying to make me cry and second tomorrow you try to beat me at rummy."

I nodded my head and smiled, "deal."

Everyday after physical therapy Tim was waiting, either reading or finishing up his homework. Tim attended College and was majoring in Nursing I really admired his drive. He was trying to get me ready for the day I would leave the hospital, I'd have to go somewhere, I had no family, no job and no future, at 19 that's scary. Tim brought a catalog from the college by and read the description of every course, I finally settled on Agriculture, I loved working with my hands, and I had spent almost every summer working on a farm, I loved the physical activity and the closeness to nature. Tim smiled when I told him my choice, "I should have known, you're the farmer type. I think you're too gentle sometimes but that's a good trait."

Over the next two months Tim got my paperwork processed and I was accepted the term would be determined once I was discharged. Tim was great he began to bring me anything and everything he could find on farms for sale. I must have looked at thousands of pictures of farms until one day I saw the picture. I stared and Tim asked me what I was looking at. "This." I pointed to a picture in the book. 'Three bedroom, two bath, two story home built in 1940, three outbuilding and 100 acres of land with a small pond.' I looked at the price and got excited as could be, then it hit me I couldn't go look at the property, they barely let me out of bed in the last five months. Tim noticed the disappointment and offered to go look at it with his dad, I reached over in my bedside stand and handed him money, he looked at me, "what's this for?" I looked at him, "you've spent a ton of money coming here everyday and running around for me all the time, please take it I don't have anyplace to spend it." Tim, nodded his head and put the money in his pocket, then we discussed when he would be going to look at the property.

Two weeks passed and Tim still hadn't mentioned the property, I was becoming a nervous wreck, he must have sensed it, he handed me an envelope full of pictures. "It's wonderful, the house is in great shape, the outbuildings are fantastic, the soil has been tested the whole place is beautiful." I looked at each picture studying everything, I was in love it was where I was meant to be I could feel it. Tim looked at me, "there's a problem someone has already made an offer." I felt my face go from a smile to feeling lost.

Tim left early, I felt sad, like it was my house that had been sold out from under me. Before supper, Tim returned with a friend of his, he introduced us, "Josh, this is Mr. Davis, he's a Real Estate Agent, he has some papers for you to sign." Mr. Davis shook my hand and told me how proud he was of my sacrifice then he got down to business. "Josh, I've made on offer on this house on your behalf, Tim told me it was what you wanted. I wouldn't have done it this way but since you're injured, I figured it was my duty. Is this the farm you want?" My face radiated a smile "yes sir." He smiled back at me, "good, I take it you don't have any bills and according to my calculations on your disability you'll be able to afford the payments, taxes and insurance and still have sufficient income." I listened to him go through every piece of paper and then I signed all the documents. He looked at me, "Josh I can see you're getting tired we're almost through, at closing you'll have to pay 621.00 in closing cost." I looked at him, now I was wide-awake, "I don't have any money right now." Mr. Davis patted me on the arm, "you've got all your back pay pending, you'll be fine, you better think about furniture, dishes, linens and stuff, you'll have to have all of that to make your farm a home." I smiled at him, "yes sir." He stood up and shook my hand thanking me, said he'd be in touch as soon as he had word on the offer.

Tim stayed behind, the look on his face as mischievous as a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Come here Tim." He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. I looked up into his face, "how can I thank you for all you've done?" He put his hand to his head like he was thinking, "I know," he reached in his pocket and pulled the money out I had given him some weeks ago, "keep this for the house." I began to complain but thought better of it.

On September 1, 1971, at 20 years old I was Honorably discharged from the United States Army with 100% disability. I was issued a permanent identification card, a Purple Heart and back pay of over $15000 dollars. A ceremony was held at the hospital and everyone at the ceremony shook my hand before wheeling me downstairs and out the front door. The hospital had been my home for well over a year, I was scared and sad at the same time but I needed a change and my farm would be that change. Tim beeped his horn and I rose from the wheel chair slowly, I looked around before making my way to the car, I would limp for the rest of my life on the right side and my arm would never be fully functional again. I opened the passenger door of the car, and slid in slowly, Tim came around taking all my belongings and putting them in the back seat. He closed my door, and we were off, we only had 25 minutes to get to the closing on my house.

After the closing, Tim drove me out to the farm, the minute it came in sight I felt relieved and so happy I could cry, it was beautiful, not far from anything and was all mine. The closer we got the better I could see the place the house had been painted recently as had all the out buildings. As we pulled down the driveway I saw chickens in pins and even a few small piglets. I looked at Tim he saw the question in my face, "just hold on." He pulled up in front of the house I opened the car door and with his help stood on my land for the first time. He handed me my keys and helped me to the front door. I put the key in the lock and pushed the door opened, the house was furnished, I couldn't believe my eyes, Tim helped me go from room to room, it was beautiful, I looked at Tim once again and he replied, "hold on." He walked me through the kitchen to the back, the minute he opened the door, everyone yelled surprise.

The backyard was full of neighbors and people I had never met, all of them came up to me and hugged me or shook hands, thanking me for the service I had given to my country. I was startled and happy at the same time, Tim led me to a makeshift table where I was seated, a much older man walked up and introduced himself as the president of the Veteran's of Foreign Wars. "Josh, I'm Dell Wilson, and all these wonderful people you see around you are veteran's just like you. All of them donated time and money to make your new house a home, our way of thanking you for your sacrifice for Texas and the Nation."

Everyone clapped, I stood up, looked around at everyone, and Tim stood near me, a broad smile on his face. "Thank you all, I never had family, I always had to do for myself, what you all have done means more to me than anything else in this world. I can't tell you..." I couldn't continue my voice broke up and I had to sit down. Tim began to clap and everyone followed, a few of the women walked over and hugged me. I reached for Tim's hand and squeezed it looking at his face he had tears in his eyes too. I managed to stay awake through dinner then I slowly made my way around thanking each person individually, before I had to go up to my room and lay down.

Tim followed me I walked up the stairs slowly still staring at everything I saw. Tim opened the door to the master bedroom, my heart almost stopped it was beautiful. He walked me over to the bed pulled the covers back and gently eased me down. He knelt in front of me and removed my shoes. I watched him, "Tim how will I ever repay you?" Tim looked up at me, "you're 20 with no family, you've been hurt badly in a war and you want to repay me! I want you to know I'm your family and I'll always be near if and when you need me." I messed his hair with my hand and layback I fell asleep almost immediately.

The house was dark when I woke I reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. I carefully got out of bed, then I walked into the hallway and slowly went from room to room looking at everything, not one detail had been overlooked. I made my way downstairs, went into the kitchen and opened the Ice Box and got a glass of milk, the shelves were loaded down with food. I quickly drank my milk and walked back upstairs.

I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I needed a haircut and a shave and I needed to gain some weight. I removed my shirt scars were everywhere, my arm looked a mess, I sat on the floor and cried, no one would ever be able to love me the way I looked. I was getting out of control and I could feel it. I pulled myself up by the sink, opened the medicine cabinet, and found the medication the doctor had prescribed for my depression, when I tried to open the bottle I couldn't, the bottle fell out of my hand, that was the last straw. I remember crumpling to the floor crying uncontrollably, how could this be fair, my body had been ripped apart and scared, constant reminders. I was 20 with no family, few friends, and I was scared to death I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I put my head on my knees talking to myself out loud. I don't know how long I sat there before I picked up each pill and placed them back in the bottle except for the one I took then I walked back to bed and fell asleep.

It was raining again, I could feel the black leaches attaching themselves to my arms as I tried to find my way in the mud, I heard a voice I couldn't make out, I moved closer to the voice each time I heard it. The smell of death filled my nostrils, I was afraid being by myself but my need to help another soldier sidelined my fear. I continued to move to the voice, my arms bled from cuts as I moved through bamboo and briars, everything I crawled through or over cut or scratched my skin opening a new portal to disease. I wiped my eyes with my muddy hand, as I tried to focus the rain stopped. I looked at my arm, it was normal again, I moved into the clearing, it was dry and comfortable, I looked at my uniform it was dry. Looking around the clearing I felt my very being at peace, I heard a low and melodious humming, I moved to a tree and slipped down easily, resting my back against the trunk, listening to the humming. "Josh." I heard my name and looked around, I saw no one in the clearing, then I heard my name again, and I was scared. "Josh, look inside yourself and find the beauty and wonder unique to you. You are loved far greater than you feel you are loved, in time you will find love to last you until the end of days. Josh, I look at you and I see the Angel I saw the night I put your spirit back into its shell. You have suffered and survived, give now of yourself so others also might survive their trials. You are loved."

The voice ended abruptly and the humming stopped. I opened my eyes moonlight flooded the bedroom I looked around for a moment before I fell back asleep. I was surprised to open my eyes and see sunlight coming through the curtains, I felt like I had just fallen asleep. I looked around quickly I was anxious and got out of bed walking downstairs without dressing. I walked into the kitchen turned the coffeepot on then walked back upstairs to the bathroom. I had to shave, I wasn't sure I could. I pulled a washcloth off the rack and held it under the water then wrung most of the water out before gently laying it across my face it felt wonderful. When I removed the washrag I slowly painted my face with shaving cream, then carefully shaved my face with a safety razor. Once again I put the washrag under the water before gently wiping my face. I filled the tub and slid in carefully. The water was cold by the time I got out, but I knew I was clean. I used my toes to pull the stopper from the drain I pulled myself up and dried off. This was the first real bath I had had in several months and it felt wonderful, I put on cologne, a pair of blue jeans, a T-shirt and my low cut boots, I couldn't tie them but I wore them anyway. I grabbed a coke and a bag of chips and headed to the den, I flipped the television on and watched 'the Price is Right' the morning went by fast. I heard Tim come in "Josh, I'm back." I yelled to him, "I'm in the den." Tim walked in his arms loaded with stuff, he acted like he did a double take, "wow, you'll have to beat women off with a stick, you look great." My face turned red and I felt something unusual inside, I smiled at Tim, "yeah right." Tim smiled at me, "you ready for that walk?"

I rested my hand on his forearm to keep myself from falling as we walked. The front of the house had been planted with Oleander, roses, and wild flowers it was too beautiful for words. We walked around back making slow progress we stopped and admired the piglets in their pen. Tim went into the barn and came back with fresh feed and water. We moved to the chickens and we fed them. Tim led me around the property staying close to the house I saw the fenced plowed fields that made up my piece of land and something in my heart smiled. Tim following the doctor's orders too closely, ushered me back inside to eat lunch. "Tim is your homework done?" He looked at me and smiled, "yes father its done." I wagged my finger at him and we both had a good laugh. With lunch over, I went into the den and sat on the sofa, Tim looked at me, "you feeling better today?" "Yeah," I replied.

Tim went to the kitchen laying his books on the table, and studied. I turned the television all the way down and in the quiet it was easy for me to fall asleep knowing Tim was in the other room. Around six, I thought I heard someone calling me, I opened my eyes, Tim was standing over me looking down at me smiling, "wake up sleepyhead." I yawned and stretched before getting to my feet. I looked at Tim he had already cleaned up, "sleepyhead will be ready in a few minutes." I walked the stairs one at a time, at the top I went to my bedroom and got out a clean shirt I washed my face, splashed on some cologne, changed my shirt, then looked at myself in the mirror. Actually, I wasn't a bad looking guy with my clothes on I'd just have to be careful that no one saw me without a shirt until they'd been warned about the scars. I smiled and turned the light off and went back downstairs where Tim was waiting. He drove us downtown, we pulled into a diner and once inside we got a booth and ordered.

We talked about the farm and then it hit me, I really didn't know that much about Tim, he knew everything about me. I studied his face as he talked, I knew he was my age he was a slight bit taller than I was, his hair was almost the color of beach sand, with piercing blue green eyes and long eye lashes. His facial expressions showed his deep understanding and concern for others I saw something else too. We spent hours sitting and talking, we were both wired on coffee after our sixth cup. The waitress had been wonderful and we left her a nice tip to show our appreciation. She smiled at the two of us and told us to come back.

Tim drove over to his parent's house, said he had to pick up something. When we arrived the place was in chaos, everyone was decorating or preparing food, Tim looked at me and smiled, "Stan comes home tonight." I looked at Tim I couldn't help smiling I was excited for Stan and his family. He found me a place to sit, soon everyone came by and said hello then went back to what they were doing. The telephone rang and soon Tim's mother was yelling Stan will be here in 20 minutes, everyone rushed around completing last minute task, and then the lights were dimmed.

The car's headlights lit up the living room temporarily as the car pulled in the driveway. The front door opened, the lights went on and everyone yelled surprise, Stan looked around at everyone his face expressionless. I stood up slowly, Stan spotted me and actually ran over to me, he threw his arms around me in a bear hug, I felt his body shake and he began to cry. I led him out of the room and into the kitchen he wasn't letting me go. "Stan it will be fine in time, I know it's a shock but you're home, safe and alive." Stan pulled a paper towel off the roll and wiped his face then blew his nose, "I've missed you." I looked at him, "Tim's been great." Stan looked at me, with the first smile I'd seen, "I knew he would." I walked with him back out to the people that had worked so hard to make this evening possible, I found a seat and Stan walked around thanking everyone.

Tim being himself came over to me and said, "It's time to go home you ready?" I smiled up at him, "whatever you say." I stood up, Stan walked over, "leaving already?" "Yeah, doctors said Josh has to get plenty of rest to regain his strength." Stan quickly hugged Tim and me, "I'll see you both later."

After three months of living on the farm, my skin had tanned, my hair lightened, I walked without falling and my arm had gained a lot of strength and I had come to peace with my physical short falls. I purchased a truck to run errands. I'd been in town at the feed store picking up this or that numerous times these last few months. The manager was a guy named Brad, he was a Vietnam Vet too, we would talk for hours or just sit in silence saying nothing enjoying each others company.

Brad's wife Mary Ellen wasn't so quiet, she yelled from the stockroom, "Brad get your ass back here and pickup this grain." I always felt embarrassed for him he'd look at me and apologize. Then while he was in the back she'd walk out front, "you still here, ain't you got nothing to do?" I'd smile at her, "good to see you too Mary Ellen." She'd laugh and find something to do until Brad returned, then she'd look at the two of us talking again and she'd get started, "Josh you better watch Brad, I think he might be leaning on being queer, he ain't touched me since he came home." I looked at Brad and saw the pained expression in his face, "Brad, I don't care what she say's. If you can get away sometime come on by we'll sit around and have a beer." Brad smiled, "thanks Josh."

I had rushed in to the feed store one Friday evening just as Brad was locking up, he saw me through the plate glass door and let me in, "you're running late." I smiled at him, "ran out of pellets for the pigs." Brad walked in the back and returned with a fifty-pound sack over his shoulder, "here you go." "Thanks Brad what do I owe you." Brad stared at me, "we've been friends for a while so I'm going to ask you a favor. Will you remove your shirt, I want to see what happened to you over there." His request upset me, "Brad, if its important to you I will." I followed him in the back to his office, he closed the door and locked it a full-length mirror hung on the back of the door. I removed my shirt and stood there in my blue jeans and T-shirt then I pulled the T-shirt over my body. My stomach was taut and defined which caused the scars to appear wider than they actually were. Brad looked at me, I saw tears in his eyes he walked over to me, put his fingers on the scars, and traced them slowly. I looked at him he was a great guy, besides he had a wonderful caring personality. He looked up at me, "Josh I'm sorry this happened to you." Brad unlocked the office door he picked up the feed and carried it to the truck. "Thanks Brad for everything." Brad smiled, "I'm your friend Josh, I think you're a special person." I waved to Brad as I pulled out of the parking lot. Tim must of heard the truck coming up the driveway, he was standing on the porch looking at me as I pulled up, I knew he would be worried because I forgot to leave him a note, "welcome home stranger." I smiled at him, Tim smiled back, "Josh can we talk after dinner?" "Most definitely." I replied.

Stan was at work when Tim and I sat down to eat. We didn't talk much during dinner. I gulped down the rest of my milk, looked at Tim, "you ready?" He pulled his chair out and stood up, let's hit it." We walked down to a swing placed in between a couple of trees down by the small pond on the property. We sat beside each other looking at the water as small minnows heroically to avoid the appetite of larger fish. Tim turned to me, "Stan and I are moving out on our own, you've been the best friend and I'll do anything in the world but it's time." My voice trembled, "Tim, I'll never forget what you, Stan and your family did for me. You gave me my life back." Tim's eyes told me how hard this was on him, "Stan and I..., I'm sorry." I looked at Tim, "You're a wonderful person and I'm happy to be your friend." Tim looked at me, he tried to say something but couldn't, we sat on the swing each of us with our own thoughts until the sun started to set and we went inside.

Stan got home before nine he came into my room and sat on the edge of the bed, "Josh, Tim said he told you we were moving?" I grabbed his arm, "it's all right, I love you guys you're my family." Stan nodded, he hugged me quickly and walked out of the room, I let him go. In the morning I sat on the bed and wondered if I would make it on my own, I knew I'd have to now, I showered, dressed and fixed myself a good breakfast.

I might be a bit lonely but at least I could live with myself. Tim, Stan or his family called weekly to check up on me they were happy and I was happy for them, I now understood what Stan had meant that night in the foxhole. I spent most days just completing chores that needed to be done and doing them alone took me almost the entire daylight hours. I was exhausted by the time I had showered and changed clothes then it was time for bed. Many nights I went to sleep too tired for even dinner. The house felt comfortable and in buying the house and land I had done the right thing.

As Thanksgiving drew near I thought about going to eat at a restaurant or cooking for myself here, I didn't have to answer my own question the phone ringing got my attention. "Josh what's going on. I haven't seen you in three months, you pissed at me or what?" "No Brad of course not." "I hear you've been holed up out on your farm? " "What's your point Brad?" "Josh spend Thanksgiving with me and Mary Ellen she's promised to be pleasant, please?" I heard something in Brad's voice that made me say yes, "I'd like that." "Great," he replied. I could immediately hear the happiness return to his voice, we talked about what I could bring and what time. After almost three hours, we hung up with Brad's reminder to me, "to take care of myself."

Temperatures in the day began to cool and evening temperatures were actually chilly at times. I cut the grass and edged around the house, knowing I would have only one or two more cutting days before the grass went dormant. I looked out at the fields and was pleased to see my cattle feed crops doing well, what I couldn't use myself I could sell, it wouldn't make much but it didn't matter it was the first time I had ever planted anything on my own land.

Thanksgiving morning I woke with the crack of dawn, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, threw on my work pants and shoes, then headed out and fed the animals, the crisp air woke me completely. I felt great, this was going to be one of the few days when my muscles didn't cramp I finished feeding the animals and went back inside. I stopped in the kitchen and had a quick cup of coffee before heading upstairs for a shower. I stood under the hot water my hands running down my chest and stomach, I was pleased with how healthy I was and even happier that I had come to terms with the scars covering my upper body and arm. I finished washing, rinsed and dried off. I ran my fingers through my hair, I had it cut short on the Army base, I didn't need a comb I liked the way I looked in the mirror.

As soon as I was dressed I gathered the fruit salad and cheese platter I had made, setting them in the front seat of the truck and headed to Brad's, he lived 7 miles from me. I needed to cash a check at the filling station on the way, so I headed out on the highway, I'd gone about two miles when traffic halted. I had figured no one would be out on the road that was the main reason I went this way. I heard an ambulance trying to get through the standing traffic I pulled over onto the shoulder.

I saw a bunch of people standing around I parked and walked toward the crowd. I pushed my way through and saw a van flipped over, three children where sitting on a stretcher being treated by a fireman, a fourth older boy was lying on a stretcher, the ambulance crew was working hurriedly on the boy. I walked over and watched them, the boy couldn't be more than sixteen, his eyes were open and the minute I came into the view he called my name, "Josh come here." I looked around expecting someone else to respond but the boy was looking at me. An ambulance crewmember called me over, "will you hold his hand and keep him calm?" I knelt down and took the boy's hand in mine he immediately closed his eyes. The ambulance crew looked at me, "there isn't anything else we can do, he'll never make it to the hospital." I put my damaged hand on his forehead and smoothed his hair talking to him, then I felt the tremors in my body and shock after shock filled my being. I looked down at the boy, my hand on his forehead glowed, the same way it did in Vietnam a long time ago. After what seemed like an eternity the boy opened his eyes and smiled up at me, "thank you Josh."

The ambulance crew looked at each other then quickly picked up the stretcher and ran to the ambulance and rushed to the hospital. I looked around the remainder of the family looked shook up but otherwise fine. I walked back to the truck, waited until traffic began to move then pulled back on the highway. Two more exits and I made the filling station, I cashed my check then walked into the bathroom and cleaned myself up once again.

Another 10 minutes and I was knocking on Brad's door, I had driven by his farm before but had never had a chance to stop. The house was newer and probably 100 square feet larger than mine. I liked the way he had everything laid out, it was all so neat and comfortable. Brad opened the door almost immediately, he looked scrubbed in a white shirt, tan pants. He smiled and ushered me in taking the two bowls from my hands. I told him about the accident and the little boy, he listened then smiled, "you're a hero."

I shook my head, "no, I held his hand the hero's are the medics that saved his life."

Mary Ellen greeted me and we talked in the kitchen while they finished with dinner, Brad kept looking over at me, finally I winked at him and he smiled. The doorbell broke the spell, Brad looked over at Mary Ellen and she looked at me "will you get that please?"

I opened the front door to several strangers standing with dishes in their hands, a woman's voice spoke up, "you must be Josh, we've heard everything about you from Brad and Mary Ellen. I'm his mother, you can call me Mom this is his dad and his aunts and uncles." I smiled and offered to help but Brad's mother moved past me with a big smile and took everyone directly to the kitchen, I was impressed with how friendly everyone was, but I wondered what Brad had told his parents about me. I followed them to the kitchen where I received hugs from everyone, telling me how proud they were I had fought for our country.

Brad's mom sat down with me in the den, she looked at me, "Josh, I'm sorry you never had a family or parents. I know we were surprised as anyone that Brad went in the Army and to Vietnam, I must have prayed every minute for his safe return and he did." I smiled at her, Brad walked out of the kitchen, when he saw his mother sitting next to me, his face got red, he made an excuse to get his mother away from me. I looked in his eyes then smiled.

He looked at me, "what did my mother tell you."

"Nothing we were talking about how proud she was of my military service."

His face flooded with relief. Brad announced from the dining room door, "dinner is ready," Mary Ellen and his mother and aunts began loading the table with food. Brad's dad sat me next to him, and Brad next to me. He looked at me and smiled, "I hope you don't mind my family being here."

I smiled, "I love this, they're wonderful people, this is the best holiday I've ever had." I lowered my head and listened as Brad's dad gave thanks. Plates were passed around as Brad's mother determined how much to put on each plate, she must have thought I was starving, I saw Mary Ellen fix Brad's plate, she must of thought the same thing. I ate more than I had probably eaten in the last month the food was wonderful. I found myself emotionally overwhelmed by this warm and loving family surrounding me. Slowly one by one we left the dinner table and went into the family room and relaxed. Later in the day Brad's mother and Mary Ellen brought out dessert, once again I stuffed myself and feeling comfortable I fell asleep on the couch. I must have slept 2 or 3 hours, when I woke the other men were still asleep. Brad had leaned against me and was asleep, I let my fingers brush against his face and again I felt happy. I closed my eyes again but it wasn't long before the women came into the den and woke everyone up the dishes were done, the kitchen cleaned and it was time for the old folks to get home as Brad's mother told me. Once everyone was awake and had the chance to stretch, she hugged and kissed Mary Ellen, Brad and included me, as did everyone else. I helped carry the empty bowls out to the car. I stayed behind with Mary Ellen and Brad I didn't want to leave yet.

We walked back in the house the minute everyone else had driven off, I asked Mary Ellen if she minded if I stayed, she looked at me. "I'm glad the fucking holiday is over, I'm leaving this shitty little town and that good for nothing husband. He's queer for you unless you haven't figured it out, but then you're probably the same way for him."

I stood with my mouth open, Brad ran into the living room where Mary Ellen was picking up her bags, "you bitch you're always pissed at somebody, I'm glad you're leaving just don't ever come back. You're fucking jealous of Josh, well guess what I don't care he's my friend."

She slammed the door on her way out.

I stood in complete shock not saying a word. Brad, looked at me, "how was that for a great ending to Thanksgiving? I'm glad the bitch is gone, I'm divorcing her." Brad smiled, "I meant what I said you're my friend, I'm sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable." I looked at Brad, I could see in his face how upset he was, I didn't say anything for a moment, then I picked up a bowl and put it in the kitchen sink. Brad was on the sofa when I returned, I started to say something but Brad looked at me, "Josh, I need to be alone right now, do you mind?"

I looked at him, I was afraid, "Brad you going to be okay?"

He looked at me, "Yeah Josh I'm a 28 year old loser whose mind is so fucked up I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I'll be all right. Leave me alone for a while Josh, I'll call you, you're a good kid."

I closed the front door behind me my mind was going a mile a minute. I was worried about Brad and I was sad that I had to witness two people that once loved each other ending their lives together. I felt sad for the two of them. I pulled into my driveway and I felt a certain peace. I took my shoes off inside the door and walked to the den, it was only 7pm and I wasn't tired. I turned the television on but couldn't find anything to keep my interest so I walked upstairs and lay down. My mind was running over time, I thought about marriage, I knew it would never fit into my life, even though I had never had any type of relationship with a guy, I knew it was my nature. I had probably always known it but repressed it. As I lay here now I thought about all the people I had known, I could see Dylan a kid from my high school, we had been as close as two boys could be, I last saw Dylan when I was 15. We were hanging out in his parent's basement smoking cigarettes, it was dark, and several times Dylan's hand ended up misplaced with an apology. He moved next to me and we sat with out shoulders touching. We wrestled in the dark and once I had his head pinned between my legs he quit fighting. I playfully put my hand in his hair, the feeling sent waves throughout my body, I didn't understand this new feeling. Dylan must have because he put his face in my crotch and blew through the cloth, I felt myself stirring, but I also felt so much guilt and confusion. I pushed Dylan away and ran up the stairs, all the way to my house. Dylan called me at home apologizing, I kept telling him it wasn't his fault but after that we avoided each other like the plague. That was the last time I had a feeling of that sort until I had been wounded in Vietnam and the Corpsman kept me warm throughout the night, I had a feeling with him. It passed just as quickly, my mind was more involved with my body dying then finding companionship. I felt the same way with Tim and now with Brad, what was wrong with me. No wonder I couldn't make friends, I was a freak in more ways then one.

It was 1972 the United States signed a treaty with Vietnam effectively ending the war with America as the loser. Not that it mattered anyway American's hated the returning soldiers. Young boys returned home not to a thankful nation but to a nation wanting the war to be a thing of the past along with those that fought it. I was one of them, but I was 22 and more alone than I had ever been in my life. I didn't hear from Brad it had been almost six months, I saw him at the feed store, he'd say hello, look at me and act like he might cry which made me feel unhappy. After a while I decided it would be easier to find another feed store, easier for Brad and for me. I knew one thing for sure, I was a homosexual, and I also knew that one day I would meet someone and then I'd know for sure. Harvesting took a lot of time, even though I only had 100 acres, I had 100 acres planted, I spent money to raise the crops and I needed to harvest and sell them to make my farm profitable. I wanted to pay this place off as soon as possible, I loved it here and I didn't want to ever take a chance of something happening to my place. On Saturday, Bud Wilkins with the VFW brought around a truckload of men with farm experience needing work. I needed several men to harvest my crops quickly, the longer it took the more I'd have to pay them and the less profit I'd have left over. I picked three younger men and three older men I figured the balance would keep everyone on their toes. The older men were great they were use to the machinery and were soon instructing the younger guys in the field as the crops began to be harvested. They worked well into the evening hours when all light was completely gone. As they returned I paid them each in cash then loaded them into my truck and took them back downtown as they requested.

As I was dropping them off I spotted a kid probably 18 or 19 with short brown hair, standing in the doorway of the building where the workers gathered each morning I called over to him, he smiled at me and walked over to the driver's side window, he smiled at me, "Hi, it will cost you 10 dollars."

I looked in his face, he was a handsome kid, but living on the streets was taking its toll. "What?" I asked.

He looked directly in my eyes, "I said it will cost you 10 dollars for me to give you a blow job."

I don't know what I thought I was doing but I reached in my pocket, "how much for all night?"

He looked at me, "20 and you pay for the room." I handed him the twenty and said get in. He jumped in the front seat, I told him to put his seatbelt on as I pulled out.

He stared at me for a while as I drove, "what's your name."

I looked over at him "Josh, and yours?"

"Alexander, everyone calls me Alex."

I looked over at him, "and how old is Alex?"

He smiled "don't worry I'm legal."

"I'm not worried," I replied, "I ask how old you are."

He lost his smile, "I'm 20, how old are you?"

I didn't take my eyes off the road, "I'm twenty two."

He began looking around, "where we going?"

I looked at him quickly, "Alex were going to my farm, nothing to worry about." Finally we parked the truck in my driveway and I got out.

He watched as I limped around to his side of the truck. "What happened to your leg?"

"Nothing much, wounded in Vietnam." I replied.

I noticed he looked at me and the smile on his face vanished.

I opened the door to the house and we both walked in the first word out of his mouth were "wow! This is your house?"

I smiled, "yep, all mine. Now you go upstairs and get cleaned up, there are towels in the cabinet, and once you're clean, I'll put some clothes out for you. In the meantime, you look hungry so I'm going to fix dinner."

Alex stared at me, "what about me doing you?"

I shook my head, "I lived on the street at one time too. Keep the money, get cleaned up and let me feed you and then if you want I'll take you back downtown tonight." He looked at me, I could see his eyes become shiny, "go on up Alex." I went into the kitchen and put a couple of steaks on and a half a bag of French fries on a baking sheet in the oven. I set the table and waited for dinner. Alex yelled for me about 45 minutes later. I went upstairs, he was standing behind the bathroom door asking for clean clothes, I had completely forgotten, I apologized, grabbed socks, T-shirt, Sweatshirt, and a pair of blue jeans and left them on the bed then I went out of the room pulling the door behind me. I walked back down to the kitchen and pulled the fries from the oven, I pulled out the salad and before I had a chance to pour the tea, Alex entered the kitchen clean as a whistle. I smiled at him, "now you look great, do you feel better?"

He smiled, "thanks Josh, I feel great." We sat down and ate neither of us said a word until nothing remained on our plates. Alex looked at me, "Josh you're a handsome guy why'd you pick me up?"

"I told you Alex I lived on the street myself once. Besides I've never had a relationship with a man."

Alex laughed, "never."

I could feel my face flush, "never." Without another word we both began to clean up the kitchen. I got a glass of tea and walked to the den, turning the television on. Alex followed, sitting on the sofa. I watched him, "Alex you want me to take you back downtown."

He shook his head, "no, I'd like to stay the night here if that's okay?"

I smiled at him, "its okay." We watched a couple movies and I called it an evening. Alex followed me upstairs to my room like it was expected for him to do whatever I might tell him. I looked in his face, "Alex come here," I showed him to the guest room turning the light on, he looked around "this is a nice room." "Good, you sleep in here." I replied.

He looked at me, "Josh don't you like me?"

I put my hand on his shoulder, "every much, you're a good looking guy, I'll see you in the morning." I went back to my room, undressed, and crawled into bed. I turned the light off and not more than three minutes passed before Alex slid into bed next to me. I turned the light on, and looked at him, "what's going on?"

He looked in my eyes, "I'm lonely please let me sleep in here."

I pulled the covers back and stood up, I removed my shirt, "look Alex, look at my arm and my right side."

I saw his eyes move over the area, then look directly into my eyes, "so?"

I turned the light off and crawled back in bed. Alex put his head on my chest, his fingers moved over my body. My fingers intertwined in the silkiness of his hair pushing his head down. He was eager to please me and that he did, when I finally took him, his legs draped over my shoulders, he cried out several times before I collapsed on him exhausted. That night changed everything in my life so completely. A heavy dark curtain had been removed from my eyes, I could see. The next morning I fixed Alex breakfast, he asked me to let him help with the crops and I agreed quickly. We finished eating and the two of us walked out to meet the men already hard at work since the crack of dawn. Alex worked hard, didn't complain, and was glad, as I was when the day was over. He went back up to the house with me we took a cool bath together, ate a quick dinner then got into bed. He needed me and I needed him within minutes we both lost control, exhausted I pulled him in my arms, my face buried in the back of his neck, my manhood deep inside of him as we both drifted off to sleep. Two weeks later the crops were picked and sold, I made a sizeable profit that I used to pay down the house.

Alex stayed around, "Josh, I like you a lot."

I smiled at Alex, "I like you too, but we both know it isn't anything more than physical. I need someone to love me for the rest of my life, someone I can love forever."

Alex smiled, "you're right."

I hugged him, handed him his wages, and dropped him at the bus station he was going back home.

Brad seemed shocked to see me, "Josh, how have you been?"

I looked at him without a smile, "why haven't you called me I thought we were suppose to be friends?"

Brad didn't look me in the face, I saw his shoulders rise and fall, his voice low, "what with the divorce and harvest and thanksgiving, I didn't think you'd want to be bothered with a loser like me."

I looked at him shaking my head, "no one I know has called you a loser I think you're a good guy." The whole time I looked at him, I knew Brad was the one I needed to hold me and I needed to love him. Together we'd keep each other safe and happy. But I knew Brad would never in a million years be interested in a guy, me. We talked for a while like we did in the old days, I invited him for dinner but he declined saying he wasn't good company, said sometime in the future, I smiled at him and took his promise.