Disclaimer: This story is fiction it is not meant in any way to be truth or speculation about the sexality of any member of N'SYNC (although I can dream and wish). This is a story of a homosexual romance and the love shared between two men. If you are offended by this subject material then please go no further. If you are under the age of 18 please leave now. Otherwise I hope that you enjoy the story.
This is my first attempt at writing a story like this.I don't know if you will enjoy it or not, but I hope that you do. Input is welcome but please remember that this story is created from my own mind and I kind of know where I would like it to go. Also I am already an accomplished writer and poet and the poems you see here are not to be used or distributed without my express permission. They are copywritten by me and use of them or distribution is an offense. My normal forte' when writing is sci-fi fantasy so this is a new area for me. Good or bad your comments are welcome and will decide on if or how this story continues. I am very big on defining the characters I write about, but since this is a work of fiction and I take creative liscense on how the characters are portrayed, then we will just have to see how it progress'. I am not one for the wham-bam-thank you sam type of story. I prefer to build the story and the characters before diving into the sex scenes. I hope you won't be disappointed.
Comments may be sent to firedancer_14@hotmail.com
I only check my e-mail a few times a month so if I don't respond right away please be advised I will as time permits. Author's notes will be at the end of each installment telling of what friends or truths there are in the story. Until then I hope you enjoy the story.
Recue Run
Chapter 1
Depressed that is how I feel. Why today of all days. I don't know if I can handle the N'SYNC concert tonight, I thought to myself. Too many people, all the screaming. I have waited months for this and now I don't even want to go. What is so wrong with me today? I turned on the tv and sat down at the computer. Got to write this out, sometimes that makes me feel better. Before I could even start the news came on and it was a story of a girl whose parents had died recently and she was now living in Child Haven waiting on a foster home. Outside of finding a nice family to live with, her one dream was to go to the N'SYNC concert tonight and it was sold out. My heart went out to this girl. I called the tv station and got the info needed and then turned and called Child Haven. I spoke with her counselor Ms. Kinsler.
Hello Ms. Kinsler? My name is Jim Isom and I just saw the news broadcast and I only have my ticket to give, but my best friend is going and if you like he can be chaperon inside the concert if you would please let Gwen attend the concert. I will vouch for his character. If you look up in the records you will see that at one time I was a registered foster parent and it will vouch for my moral standards.
Mr. Isom that is wonderful of you to do. Let me please check the records and get back to you. If everything checks out and you can vouch for your friend and Gwen's safety then I think that would be wonderful. When were you a foster parent? And why don't you want to go to the concert?
I was a foster parent when I was 21. I am 33 now so it was in 87 through 90. I just don't feel like going to the show due to some personal problems and it is better than my ticket going to waste. Listen my number is 555-1701, when you finish the check just give me a call and let me know if it is a go or not.
Thank you Mr. Isom. I am gald to know that there is still someone out there like you that can open their heart.
I am just glad to help.
I sat back down at the computer and started to think. I felt a little better, but I still could not shake this feeling of despair. That's it I thought. that is the title and exactly what I feel. Suddenly the words started to flow.
Despair
If I disappeared today, would you really care? When you read the words I write, does love enter your mind? If I were to die today, would anyone be there? Is there someone out there, why are you so hard to find?
I toss and turn all through the night. Never finding piece of mind, or sleep. Why does loneliness cause such pain and fright? Is it always this way, cutting so deep?
I sit in the dark and start to cry, I have searched forever, again and again My heart aches and my tears run dry, I curl up in fear as the night closes in
The pressure is becoming to much to bear Depression is becoming a part of everyday life Though I shout for help, no-one seems to hear Why can't someone really love me and save my life
Tears flow down my face as I finish writing. That is it isn't it? I am so alone and scared by it. I am afraid of going on by myself. The fear and the lonliness is slowly killing me. I moved over to the couch and cried myself to sleep. Tossing and turning in my sleep the dream starts. I know it all to well. I have had it for years and it hits me whenever I get this depressed. I am walking around, a little scared, but mostly alone. I walk until I find myself at the top of the parking garage I sit and stare out over the edge. All that fills my mind is just get it over with, jump damnit, no-one will miss you. I lean more towards the edge I can see people running towards me shouting. I am so lost in my own thoughts that I can't hear a word they say. I jump a little as a hand touches my shoulder. I turn and look into the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen. I see in them the same things I feel. A lonliness that eats you up from the inside. makes you feel all hollow and empty. A longing to be loved and accepted. A hunger to be able to give that love back. I see blonde spikey hair, more than one shade, kind of a medium to light brown faded up into almost platinum spikes, but I can't make out the facial features because I am so lost in those eyes. His hand reaches out to me and then the the next thing I know I am wide awake. The phone next to me ringing off the hook.
Hello?
Mr. Isom? This is Ms. Kinsler. I just want to inform you that it is a go. When would you like to meet Gwen to give her the surprise?
Okay, hhhmmmm Let's meet a couple of hours before the show at the front desk area of the MGM. That way if she wants to eat before the show we can. Plus it gives time for her to meet my friend so that she knows who she is going with and it will give us time to make arrangements for after the show. Plus I need to call Kevin and let him know about the changes.
I just want to thank you again Mr. Isom, I know that Gwen will be so excited and want to thank you herself afterwards. Mr. Isom? Do you mind if I let the media know about you and what you are doing?
I am not doing it for the attention or the thanks, but if it will give Gwen more exposure and find her a good family then sure.
Thank you so much. I will try to keep it from turning into a circus and bothering you too much.
It really isn't a bother. I am just a very private person. I am more than willing to help though. Listen I need to go so that I can reach Kevin and tell him of everything. I will meet you by the front desk and I will look for Gwen. See you soon.
Thank you again and I look forward to meeting you.
I hung up the phone and sat there for a minute. I am in a major depression here. How do I get out of this one. I sat back down at the computer. The words just started to flow.
When All Seems Lost
How I yearn for yesteryear, When my future seemed so bright and clear. For now my days are black and gray, I hate to see the coming, of another day.
How can I, love someone else when I can't even love myself Loss of love, or loss of life Why should I fight, to beat my strife
As cold as ice, as black as coal that is how I perceive my soul For you see, I shall love no more I'll never return to heartache, like I've done before
I give too much of myself from the start Never thinking of how, it might break my heart Love and openness I give for free All I want is for someone to love me.
I got up and went back to the phone. Dialing Kev's number I waited for either him or the machine to pick up. After a few rings Kev answered.
Hello?
Hey Kev, what's up?
Not much. Are you ready for tonight?
That is why I called. Listen come on over and get me. I will explain more later. I am not going to the concert, but I am still going to stay over with you and Aaron tonight. So get your ass out of bed and get over here.
Are you okay?? You don't sound too good.
I'm fine, just really depressed. You know the story as well as I do. Hell you better after being my best friend for the last eleven years.
Come on. I know you hurt this time of year, but man be glad that your parents are together and no longer in pain. And as for the Michael thing...Well get over him.
Oh, I am way over that prick. He put me through enough of an emotional rollercoaster when we were together. I am not even going to let him phase me. It is the parents thing. Kevin. I miss them. I know that they have been gone for several years and I know that there were a lot of problems, but I feel like a part of me died when they did and I feel so alone anymore.
Well I know and I am sorry for yelling at you, but you have to go on. Be the best you can be and make them proud that you are still going on with life.
Listen I will debate my emotions with you later. Just come and get me. We need to be at the casino two hours early. I need to get out of here right now though. My sister is really getting on my nerves. She thinks I am pissed off, but all it really is is the depression. Some days I hate the fact that I decided to move over here to help her out. I know it is tough on her being a single mom and all, and I know two full time jobs was killing her and the kids time wise. I just don't know how much more I can handle of this no privacy thing though. I mean come on I live in the garage, no heat or air. I have to put up with people walking in and out whenever they need something and no-one knows how to knock. Okay now I am gettting upset again, just come get me please.
Ok, I am on the way. You can tell me more when we are in the car.
I hung up and ran to hurry and pack for an over night. I told Kevin what all was going on and he informed me that Aaron would be at work and could spend some time with me on his breaks so that I wasn't roaming the casino all night. Plus we will be waiting for him to get off work after the show.
Getting to Kev and Aaron's house I quickly went in and hung the outfit I wanted to wear so it wouldn't get all wrinkled. Throwing my shoes in the corner, I collapsed on the bed for a nap. BIG MISTAKE!!! This time the dreams started and it was more like a nightmare. Mild, but upsetting none the less.
The dream:
I sit in total blackness. The tears start to roll down my cheeks. Alone! Why is it I am always alone? Why can't someone love me? Suddenly the ground drops out from under me. I hang over a never ending pit. The blackness and hoplessness ready to overcome and swallow me up. Off to my left a beam of light shines, two figures with-in it
You are are never completly alone for we are forever in your heart. We will always watch over you. The voices came from the dark, but I knew who they belonged to. Mom? Dad? I miss you so much. Help me!! I don't know how much more I can take. I am so scared. I am so alone. There are people that care about you honey. They are all worried about you the voices said.
It isn't the same I cried. I want someone to love and that will love me. Someone that understands the problems and insecurities, but is willing to stand by my side.
He is coming sweetie, but you have to be willing to share and to open your heart to him. He is going to need you to help him get through some tough times. He may not know it at first, but he is the one meant for you. Once he realizes it, you two will be a couple and he will stand by your side through the ups and downs for the rest of your life. You two will be inseperable as a couple. It will be a long road you two will travel, but together you will both overcome the obstacles. You have dreamt of him for years. There are four people that are very much a part of his life and you will have to help them through some problems also. Being there for them and accepting them is one of the things to endear you to him. He will need help for acceptance from his family and you will be the one to do that. Your vision, insight, but most of all your heart will make it happen.
But I am so scared. Michael really hurt me. I don't know if I can do it again. I gave him my heart and he stomped on it. I went through three years of hell with him. How can I risk it again?
Suddenly two more lights appeared. One with the family members that have stuck beside me when I told them I was gay. The other with Kevin and Aaron and the few friends I have left. Suddenly their voices filled the darkness. With our help you will make it. Open up to us. Let us help you. You need to talk to us instead of trying to push us away. You have pushed everyone else away and it hurt them. let us help you open your heart again.
Three more lights appeared. Two to my right and one directly in front of me. Two people in each of the ones to the right and one in the light directly in front. The ones in the far right spoke. Help us, and let us help you. Show us that people like us for who we are and not what we do. Make us believe that there are those out there that will be there for us and let us trust again. We will help you be with your true love.
Then the other two spoke up. Help us find our love for each other. Let it become real instead of a fantasy, Make us face what we are afraid to admit. Help us overcome our fears of rejection and we will see to it that you are happy.
Finally the one in front spoke. One single deep and sexy voice. Help ;
friend. Teach me to cope with my emotions instead of fear them and I will stand by your side forever. I will show you the love you felt you never could have again. It won't be and easy road for you and I. We will have to keep our relationship silent for years before it can be let known. Just know that without you by my side I will also eventually die alone.
I am so scared. What if I fail you? What if you fail me? I cried harder and harder. All the voices spoke at once.
If you don't learn to open your heart and trust. If you don't let him in. Let me in the single voice said. Then you will fall into oblivion. Suddenly I started to fall. The one in front of me dived at me and grasped my hand. Be strong for me he yelled. Open your heart and I will never let you fall. Don't ever leave me I cried. I can't go on with-out you.
I woke in tears. Ready to scream, but the sound not coming out of my open mouth. Sweat poured from my body. I got up and got in the shower and started to get ready to go.
Meanwhile at the MGM:
The five guys of N'SYNC had been napping before the concert. Each one woke with a start. What kind of dream was that? each one thought to himself. What is going on? I have never had one quite like that. Something is about to happen here. Something for the better. We have been getting farther apart. The brothers forever pact is becoming less real. This is something that will bring it back.
Chris sat staring out the window for a moment. I know that Joey and I feel like we can't trust anyone anymore. Lance, JC, and Justin all seem to be hiding something. They are becoming more distant as time goes on. What is tearing this group apart he wondered.
Joey layed in bed and wondered what it all meant. There are secrets here and they need to be solved or the new album will be the last. This dream is going to crumble if it isn't. After all we have been through and none of us seem to communicate anymore. Something has to save this group from itself.
Justin sat on the floor of his room and wondered what to do. Do I tell JC just how much I love him? Do I risk his friendship in hopes of more? What will I do if he turns me away? What if he hates me? I don't know what I would do without him. He crawled towards the bathroom to get ready to go down to the show.
JC climbed into the shower with tears on his cheeks. I don't know if I will ever have the courage to tell Justin I love him. It might be better if I just left the group. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go, but I can't risk the friendship. I love him, but I can't lose him either. We have been so close and now it feels like we are so distant. Some of it is my fault. I needed space to try and get over him. I love him too much to let go though.
Lance sat on the floor of the bathroom. Tears streaming down his face. I can't tell them. I can't tell my friends or family. My friends will hate me. They will throw me out of the group he cried. My parents will disown me. they are going to scream at me, throw me out of the family. I will only hear about burning in hell. I don't understand. Why do I feel like I won't be able to go on without the man from the dream? Why do I have to be this way? It is supposed to be one in ten,. not one in five. Why does it have to be me at all? What am I going to do? That man, there was something about him. It was like his soul was on fire, like a light burning away the darkness. He wasn't cute like Justin. He wasn't sexy like JC. He wasn't athletic like Joey or Chris. In fact he was a total opposite of any of us. He was heavy, not thin or athletic. He was older than Chris, but not by that much. There is something about him though that touched my heart. I don't understand the dream. I don't understand anything anymore.
Author's note's
The emotion's in this story are 100% mine. This story is a way for me to release all that I am going through.
The people:
Gwen is actually a freind of mine from work. Someone that listen's when I have problems. Someone that won't let me push them away.
Ms. Kinsler is actually my boss at work. She is the one that encouraged me to take some time off work to pull myself together and what gave me the time to even start this story.
Kevin is my best friend for the last 11-1/2 years and stuck by me through my parents deaths and through my break- up with Mike.
Aaron is Kevin's husband and one of my best friends now for the last 3 years.
Mike is my ex, what more is there to say there?
I was a foster parent from 87-90.
The Dreams:
Unfortunatly they are very real. The first dream in this story I started to have when I was 14. The second dream started shortly after my parents died and amplified after my break-up with Mike.
Coming soon...... Rescue Run Chapter two The Concert