Returning to Tate

Hey all, sorry for taking so long to get the next installment out. I did not mean it to take all this time, but you know shit happens. I am going to try to get another chapter or two out rather quickly. To be honest I am not sure how well that will work out. Right now I am out of work and that is the most important thing. I need money to live and be able to write Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter. It should add some insight into Justin and such. I almost did not do this chapter this way but I thought it was rather important that a certain amount of back story was done.

As always all these character are fictional and any similarities are coincidental. All of this story and the characters are the intellectual property of the author and may not be copied or posted on any other location without my permission.

-John

Returning to Tate

Chapter 5:

Dreams of the Past

As sleep came to me, so did dreams. Unlike the night before, these were dreams I could plainly remember. It may have been the irony of life being so good today that these dreams were brought on, but they were not the happy dreams of hope that you figured they would be. No, these were haunting dreams. Dreams that make us relive the images that frighten us and remind us of our lowest point. My dream that afternoon was to relive the day that my life began its descent into the hell it became. It was the dream of a hot July day four years earlier. The day was that of my sixteenth birthday. It was the day that was the worst day of my life.

For most people their sixteenth birthday was a day that was suppose to be special in their lives. It is one of those days that were to mark a point in life that meant great change to our world. Society deemed us ready to be responsible enough to drive a car. Our world was allowed to spread out from the confines that bikes forced us into and with the car we are able to spread our wings over the greater distances. All through middle school and the beginnings of high school, it was the age every child dreamed of hitting. It was the milestone birthday.

I was not unlike any other student in that it was an age that I was excited at hitting. Unlike some of my friends, my parents would not have the money to get me a car right off, but I knew that once I had my license, then I would be allowed to borrow one of the two family cars. All through my freshman and sophomore year my Father had promised me I would be allowed to drive as soon as I was able too if I excelled in sports and held a decent GPA. My grades were not the best but they were an upper C average, for my Father that was good enough. No what made my father happy were sports and both of those years I excelled at them. I was on the varsity team in both Baseball and Wrestling.

Sports had been the one thing that I was good at and it made my father proud. In baseball I had been an excellent hitter and fielder. I even was in rotation on pitching, although that was not my strongest point on the field. All those hours my Father made me work at it seemed to pay off. My coach said I was the best player on the team even in my freshman year and one of the best players he had ever had. In both my freshman and sophomore year we went to the State Championship. Unfortunately both times we fell short. I remember my Father being so damn pissed about that, but at least we did well enough so that my Father would forget about it. Plus I played well enough and basically flawlessly that he still said he was pleased of me. That had been the best feeling I ever had from my Father.

In wrestling I also had made the varsity team. I was not as good at that sport as I was in baseball, but I still was damn good. Growing up with a brother and Rick, we had wrestled all the time. It helped to make us born wrestlers on the team. I have to admit that Rick was better then I was, but both of us were good. In my freshman year I got to the regionals and then my sophomore I made it all the way to the semi-state before being knocked out. Rick though made it to regionals his first year and state the next three years. In his senior year he even won it. My Father not knowing much about the sport did not complain too much, except to say that I should do better and that Rick should never be better then me. Rick never was too popular with my Father. Since his parents had been lawyers, he called him a golden boy and not a kid that worked to earn the things he got. He never was a man that believes the college educated was better or that they earned anything more then him.

Thus going into my sixteenth birthday I was pretty excited about it. I think my mother might have even been more excited because that year she pushed me into having a big party. It is not to say that I never had a party before but usually it was just my family, the Cross family, and a couple of friends at most. That year I was going to have a party with dozens of people there. Mom made sure that every player on the baseball team was there as well as the wrestling team. My father was even excited at the party. He made sure there were even some of his coworkers at my party because he wanted to show off his son that had already lettered in two sports.

The day was a beautiful day. The sun was out and there was not a cloud in the sky. It was a hot day, something like in the nineties, but it was not a humid day. Being in the Midwest, when the day was not humid it was not a bad day. I woke up early that morning. Normally I would sleep in until ten or eleven on a summer day, but that morning I was up at seven. The night before I had trouble sleeping, I am sure it was because I was pretty excited for the party. I knew that this would be a memorable day, but not the way I thought it would be.

That morning I decided that I would go to the gym to work out. It would not be fun to hang around the house while my Mom was getting it ready for the party. I would be just underfoot and the fact of the matter was that when you sit around waiting for something you want to happen; time just seems to move forward infinitely slower. My father had always gotten my brother and I a membership to the YMCA. It was one cool thing that my Father did for my brother and me. He always wanted both my brother and I to make sure we stayed in shape all year round.

I liked the YMCA a lot. In high school especially I found that working out was very relaxing to me. There was something about working out and giving it all to make you feel pretty damn good. I did not drink much soda and the exercising was sort of a natural high to me. There also was a large indoor pool in the basement and that was one thing I always loved. Rick was lucky enough to have a pool but my family never was wealthy enough to have that luxury.

I have to be honest there is that another reason I liked the YMCA and that was because of all the guys there. At that point in my life I deluded myself into thinking that I was not gay but just a normal guy like everyone else on the team. The truth of it though was that I did like hanging out in the locker room. I convinced myself when I would check out another guy that I was just comparing him to me. All high school guys do that to a certain degree. Everyone growing up feels self conscience about their bodies and wants to know that they are just like everyone else. When I was in the locker room or working out I would always take longer then normal glances on the other guys. Luckily I never had been noticed before. My self conscience made me always be extra careful.

That morning I got to the YMCA a little after nine o'clock. I walked there that morning just so that I would kill a little more time. The party would not start until two o'clock and I needed all the time killers I could take. When I got there I went down to the locker room and changed into my workout clothes. As I was finishing dressing up Zach Brockman came into the locker room. He was also a sophomore on the baseball team and on the swimming team. We were not close friends but we were decent enough. Every chance I could get though I tried to hang out with him. He may have been the hottest guy in my grade and while at the time I deluded myself into believing that I just hung out with him because he was a friend, I knew deep down that I lusted for him.

Zach was a gorgeous guy. He was four months older then I was. He had extremely short brown hair that during winter he shaved completely off for swimming. He had a set of dazzling green eyes that when he stared hard at me with I would sometimes blush. He would joke about me liking him, but neither of us took that seriously. His body was the definition of perfect. His muscles were tight and smooth. His ass too seemed to perfectly compliment his body. Every time I saw him there were butterflies in my stomach. It was something that had never happened before him.

"Hey how goes it, Justin," Zach reached out and patted my shoulder. "I was just about to work out. Do you want to work out together? I could use a spotter."

I grinned back at him and quickly said yes. We chatted in the locker room as he changed into his work out clothes. He took his time to change into those clothes. He shed off his tee shirt and his jeans quick enough but took his time standing in his gray briefs he wore. He paused to say a few things to me and slowly pull out his workout clothes from his bag. His briefs were tight and his manhood looked rather large in it. I had to advert eyes just so I would not get a hard on.

Zach seemed to slow down even more getting his clothes out as I felt a little uncomfortable. I could not look away too long without attracting attention. The locker room seemed hotter then normal. Zach had a mischievous look on his face but nothing else seemed to much out of the ordinary. As he rose up from the bench he took a minute to adjust himself in his briefs and then smooth out the fabric on the front. It was hard to not just stare but somehow I just managed to only take a few glance down at him and then looking away or concentrating on keeping my eyes on his face while we continued to talk. After a few more minutes he slowly put his clothes on and we went out and started to work out.

For the next three hours we worked out on pretty much all the machines at the YMCA. We were not moving quickly through everything, just doing one machine at a time and just joking around and such. As the morning went on I was definitely aware that Zach was being more touchy feely then usual. He was giving me the pat on the ass a little more, and patting my back more often. Often times he would bump into me. He hands more then once seemed to accidentally brush my crotch. It took all my willpower not to get a hard on over it. It began to make me really realize that I like Zach much more then a friend.

As working out came to a close we both walked to the locker room. We chatted as we stepped into the locker room. "So you're looking forward to your party today?" Zach put his arm around me as we entered the locker area. "I know on my sixteenth I was fucking excited like hell. Of course I did get a mustang on my birthday. Do you think you are getting a car?"

I know I gave a stupid grin when I replied back, "Yeah I am kinda excited about the party. To be honest I have never had a party like this before. Although I am a little worried that the parents might do something embarrassing, but you know how that goes."

"Yeah mine were awesome they set the party up and as my other gift they left. They knew the two gifts I wanted."

I laughed, "Yeah my parents don't love me that much to give me that gift. I am not sure what they are giving today, but I doubt a car. My Father has already said as much. We just don't have the money for that right now. That is cool though, he said he would help with the insurance if I got one this summer with a summer job and that until then I would be able to use the family car."

We began to take our clothes off. Zach seemed to tear his clothes off rather quickly. "So you up for a shower? You don't want to smell at your party..although come to think about it that, is you normal smell."

I shoved Zach away playfully and replied, "Right, you could not smell a fucking hog farm with your odor!"

I followed suit stripping out of my clothes and we went into the shower. I felt more then a little self conscience as we stepped into the shower. I avoided looking down at Zach's goods to prevent having a problem that would be hard to explain, but it felt like a super human endeavor not to look down. Just seeing his chest and his face, I knew that I wanted Zach like no other person. There was such a tug a war inside of me. It was becoming harder and harder not to come to the grips with the truth about my sexuality.

"You ok," Zack lightly slapped me on the right cheek. I guess I sort of zoned out trying to concentrate. "You seem to be far away." Zach gave me a sly grin that made me want to melt.

"Uh sorry, I just was thinking I guess, you know about the party. It's a big deal," I managed to come up with a lie. I knew that I was thinking about that sexy body in front of me and wondering what it meant to be attracted to him.

As we both soaped up we continued to make small talk. It was hard for me to not take glimpses of him. Streams of soap and water rolled down his perfectly sculpted body. His ass was well rounded and was perfection. There was an awkward moment when he turned to me and saw me taking a look. I know I blushed but before he said anything two other guys came into the shower.

I did not think that Zach had noticed my glance and for that I was thankful for. He just smiled at me. We chatted for a little bit more and then rinsed off. We headed back into the locker area. The locker room was starting to full up with people coming in on Saturday. That was always a busy day at the YMCA in Tate. Tate was not a big town with a lot of things to do, so the YMCA was one of the places to be for a kid. Zach took a little bit of time to dry off but not a slow as he was this morning. He seemed to be a little more conscience of people around. It was not that I minded though, I too felt more conscience with other people in the locker room.

After we stepped out of the locker room Zach offered me a ride home but I wanted to walk. If for nothing else to kill time and to be honest I needed to think. There were feelings that were boiling to the surface that I could not control or knew what to do about. I used to delude myself that I was not gay, but at least at that moment I was finding it hard to do that. Besides, I was afraid to be alone with Zach at that moment. The fear was that he would find out that I was attracted to him and know I was a freak.

So we parted company. He seemed a little disappointed that I did not want to catch a ride home with him, but he was excited about the party in a couple of hours. He promised he would not miss it. It sort of made me feel good to hear him say it. It made the party seem more exciting. I knew it would be a party that I never would forget. How true that was.

When I arrived back at the house it was almost one. I had walked by the lake in the park. I tempted to sit for awhile and think, but I knew there was not time for that. I also felt the urge to dress up more then normal. I wanted to impress Zach. It was something that I never really worried about.

My Mom was busy setting up the last preparations for the party when I got back and she had Patrick doing some cleaning around the house. Patrick was doing the chores with an excitement that he was not known for doing them. I think that he was almost as excited or maybe even more excited then I was for my birthday. In the days leading up to the event he kept talking about me getting my driver license and just going all over town. His excitement even made me more excited for the party if that was even possible.

"Hey Bro, you ready for the party? You should see the cake Mom got, it is pretty cool. Dad is in such a good mood too. This is going to be a rocking day!"

"Yeah it's going to be pretty sweet. I think this is bound to be the best day."

I went upstairs and began to get ready for the party. I took another shower and got dressed in my best clothes. It must have taken me twenty minutes to get my hair just right. Just like dressing up, worrying about my hair was something that I didn't do. On that day though, I wanted to look good for Zach. Nah that is not true, I wanted to look perfect.

As I finished getting ready, Rick was waiting in my room, with a large grin. "Happy Birthday! How does it feel to be sixteen," Rick gave me a big hug. "Today is the big day. I have not seen your Dad so happy either; he managed to actually smile at me. Can you believe that?"

"Wow, he is in a good mood," I laughed. Like I have said, my father never did like Rick much. When he saw him it was work for him not to scowl at him. "I have to admit that it feels pretty good that he is in such a good mood. Lately he has been in a rather fowl mood with work and everything. I guess they are screwing with the benefits to cut costs again."

"Yeah well, don't worry about that today. It is your day. Here, I can't wait to give this too you," Rick handed me a small package. "I think you will like this, I have been saving up for it for a little bit and of course the parents helped a bit."

I had to admit that looking at the item I did not know what it was. It was normal on each others birthday to get the other a CD or something of that nature but this was larger then a CD but not too big. I shredded through the wrapping paper to uncover a Gameboy. My life I had never had a game system or a game boy. My parents always thought it was a waste of money and resources. "Wow, this is awesome! Fucking A, thanks man, this is the best."

Rick smiled with pride, "Hey it is nothing, I am glad you like it. Whenever you are over at my place you are always grabbing mine, so now maybe I can play mine sometimes. I figured it was better to give you this alone so your father did not think I was trying to upstage him. He is always so sensitive of that."

"Yeah, oh well, it is probably best you did. This is the best gift, but you didn't have too give me something so expensive. I would have been happy with anything."

"Well it is your big day, and what better way to put my money to use. I wish it was a car, but I did get you Mario Kart for it, so you can drive at least." We both cracked up at that.

"Thanks for the awesome gift. I was already excited for the day, but damn, I am just blown away now," all I could do was stare at the gift with an amazed look. I had a fucking Gameboy finally. I wondered if I should keep this hidden from Patrick. I felt pretty sure that if he saw it, then it would be the last time I might see it. It would go to the disaster that was his room and be lost for an eternity. "You are the best!"

"I should be modest, but you don't have to be modest about the truth do you? I mean I already knew I was the best," Rick gave me the `I'm a badass' grin that he had perfected. "Fuck though, look at you. You might finally be styling like me. I almost feel under dressed. You trying to compete with me for the chicks?"

I blushed a little bit. "Well, you know, I just felt like this being a big day I could, I mean should dress up right. I mean I am the man of the hour." I felt very nervous that he would see through me. Rick always knew me best with maybe the possible exception of Patrick. I almost never could lie to him. He had noticed long ago that I never was good with the ladies, but I think he just put it in his mind that I was shy. I mean I was shy with the girls that was definitely a truth, but that day I knew that there was definitely more too that then shyness. I wanted to impress Zach. Thankfully Rick did not see through me.

"Yes you are. I think one day a year it's ok that you look hotter then me. I mean it is like charity, right?" At that point I tackled Rick and we wrestled around. Eventually we fell into a pile on my bed laughing. It was a weird point in the dream, because it was the last truly carefree laugh I would have in a long time to come. It was the calm before the storm.

It was just before two that Patrick came up and told me that Dad wanted me down there to meet his friends. I took a few minutes to fix myself from the wrestling with Rick, while both Patrick and he made fun of me. It made me more nervous but I did not let it get the best of me. I was too excited for that. It was my sixteenth birthday and Zach was coming over for it. There was nothing that could discourage me on this day.

When I got downstairs Dad called me out to the backyard and introduced me to his friends. My father being a man that was pretty stern was not one to smile and be excited much. There were times but they were few and far between. When those times came they were really special moments. His laughter and smile seemed to really have the ability to light up a room and it was contagious. This afternoon was one of those days.

"So son are you excited about this day?" My father put his arm around my shoulder. "Today is the day that you become a man in my book. You know guys, my son is going to one day play for the New York Yankees!" He turned to his friends and announced. "In a few years from now you will be saying how you met that all star on his sixteenth birthday."

I blushed. I felt overwhelmed by my Fathers compliment and his joy. "I am not that good...I mean I may just be on the Dodgers." My Father and his friends laughed heartily. I think it was the most I ever made my father laugh.

"You know son I am so proud of you. I know I do not say it, but I am," My father said words that I never imagined he could. There was a part of me that wanted to cry at him saying them, but that was not something that real men do. For the first time in my life and the only time he said he was proud of me. It was at that moment I felt closer to my father then ever in my life. I could not imagine that anything could go wrong with this day. "Well I see some of your teammates and friends are arriving, so don't stick around here with us old farts, go have fun. It is your day."

It was perhaps the first time that I did not really want to go hang out with my friends but instead hang out with my father. His words made my birthday as far as I was concerned at that moment. You imagine your father always being proud of you, but with my father, until that point really, I do not think, no I know that I truly never felt like he was proud of me. I may not be getting a car for my birthday, but screw that, I got something a thousand times better, my father respect.

Thus with probably the stupidest grin on my face I went over and started to hang out with my friends. It was a good time and with the words my father had said I had even forgotten about Zach at that point. It was not until one of my fellow baseball teammates girlfriends commented how good I look that I remembered about Zach. The mere thoughts of Zach made me blush, lucky for me my friends just thought I was blushing because a girl was noticing me. I had often done that. They joked about it, but nothing more then good natured joking.

It must have been thirty minutes until Zach finally arrived. When he came into the living room where we were hanging out, it seemed like he was the only person in the room. There maybe were some things that are hazy about that day, but his entrance was not one of those things.

He looked absolutely gorgeous. I had thought he looked good at the gym, now I knew that was nothing compared to this. His hair had a gleam that sort of shined in the light. He wore a light green silk shirt that brought out his green eyes. Below the shirt he wore a set of kaki cargo shorts that came down to just above his knees. On his feet he wore a pair of Birkenstock sandals. His smile seemed to light up the whole room. It felt like just a smile for me. Damn I knew that this was the best birthday ever.

"Hey, happy birthday man, "Zach exclaimed as he walked over and grabbed my hand to shake it. "Long time no see."

"Yeah if you call two and a half hours a long time," I laughed. "So how goes it?"

"It goes damn good." Zach then leaned forward and whispered in my ear so only I could hear, "Just like you look."

I blushed. It was not only his words that did it, but his breath in my ear. When he got that close, I know a number of goose bumps just rose up all over my skin. I kind of feared that someone might notice but luckily for me, no one did.

Zach went around the room and started saying hi to our fellow teammates and friends. My mind raced while he walked around the room. I kind of grew a little nervous. There was a huge part of me that was excited like I never have been before, but there was part of me that was scared. I know deep down I had to know I was gay and was just in denial about it. That was one thing that was tough to deal with, but there was a part that was scareier. That thought was the concern that I was reading too much into Zach or that he was just playing with me. I was definitely afraid that I might be wrong and he might not be hitting on me. The whisper seemed like he really was. I mean Rick had said that before, but he never had whispered it in my ears before. Then there was the locker room. Having been in sports all my life at that point, I had seen guys that seemed to be slow in getting dressed, but never had I felt like they wanted me to particularly watch. Oh well in the end I just decided to go with the moment. I mean it was my birthday and everything was going better then I ever thought it would.

As the day progressed we all moved outside and started playing some volleyball. Rick had brought it over to do as a group activity. We both always liked playing it, although once again it was another sport that Rick was better at then I was. We divided into teams of four. It ended up being Patrick, Rick, Zach, and I. We tended to dominate all those we faced. If I had not thought my Fathers mood could not get any better, him watching us play volleyball and more importantly winning, hell not just winning, blowing the other teams away, just made him happier. All through the game I could hear him cheering us on and saying, "That's my son!" Hell I even saw him talk to the Crosses and compliment them on their son's ability. He never talked to them!

That though was not the only thing that seemed to make the games go better, but then there was Zach. First, he slid his shirt off. I mean you can't play a sport wearing a silk shirt. That is just the easiest way to get heat exhaustion. Every opportunity that presented himself he would bump into me and give me congratulatory pats on the ass. Normally that is not anything I would have second thoughts about, because that was just something we did on the teams I was on, but with Zach it felt more sexual in nature. Two or three times his hands even seemed to `accidentally' brush my crotch just like at the gym.. It took all my self control to not become excited at it. The second time he did it, I felt pretty sure it was not an accident because when I looked in his face he winked at me. I was becoming more confident that he was hitting on me and that was really making me more excited.

As we finished the third game of volleyball, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I went into the house there was someone using the downstairs one, so I went up to the one upstairs that my Patrick and I used. I had drank too much and also wanted to wipe myself down a little bit. I was sweating a lot from the volleyball games. Besides with the thoughts of Zach cool water being rubbed on me sounded good.

I stepped out of the bathroom with my shirt off. I had not taken it off in the first game and it definitely felt a little rank now. A new shirt felt in order. When I opened the door there was Zach standing there. Still with his shirt off and his skin gleaming in the light from his sweat. It was like a perfect image of an Adonis.

"Hey I thought I saw you go up here man," He grinned at me.

"Yeah the bathroom downstairs was occupied and I couldn't wait," I said it before I could stop myself. I might as well have said I needed to tinkle. Damn I sounded retarded. I probably looked worse with the smile I had on my face. His smile was just too damn contagious.

"Understandable, when nature calls you can't say no." He turned around and walked into my room. "So this is your room? It's kind of plain."

"Yeah it is," I followed him into it. I have to admit that my heart had started to race. I was not sure where this was leading but if everything else seemed scary, this seemed absolutely terrifying. I mean we were now alone in my room. "My parents are not wealthy or anything but I get everything I need."

"Oh right on, I wasn't trying to say anything wrong with it," He seemed a little embarrassed. "My room is not all that much better then yours. My family has quite a bit of money, but no matter what people may think they really don't spoil me except on special occasions like my birthday. My room is not much different except I have a television in my room and a playstation." He proceeded to walk around my room and look around.

"That's ok, I know what you mean. I do not really worry about it. I mean there are some things I would not mind having but I have always been content with what I. It has never really bothered me though."

As he got around to my door again he turned to me with a sly grin that wanted to make me melt. "Oh I almost forgot to give you your birthday gift," He shut the door behind him. "I hope you like it."

Before I could say anything he leapt toward me in an embrace. His mouth was on mine and before I could even think our tongues were exploring each others. He pushed me back towards my bed and we both crashed down on it in a very undignified and unromantic way. It seems only in the movies that you can properly fall on a bed unplanned. I thought for a moment that I had twisted my ankle, but in the passion of it all, I did not let it slow me down.

"God I noticed you checking me out a while back ago, and I knew then I wanted you," He whispered into my ear as he began kissing my neck.

My breath raced from his tender kisses. I moved my hands all over his back, feeling every muscle and every bump. The sweat seemed to make his skin smoother then I would have ever imagined it. Never in my wildest imaginations could I have thought this would ever happen. "Fuck, I never.never thought anyone would notice." Deep down there was a fear that someone else might of noticed. "I was always afraid someone would."

"Yeah..I don't think anyone would have unless they were checking you at too. From the first time I saw you on the baseball team I knew that I wanted you." Slowly he shifted his hands to my crotch and caressed my now throbbing member. "I was not a hundred percent sure until this morning. I saw the looks you had and I knew that you fucking wanted me just like I wanted you." He began to slowly moved down to kiss my nipples.

I softly moaned from his touch. While I had dated woman before I had done nothing but kiss and that of course had never excited me. This though was beyond excitement it was ecstasy. I could never imagine feeling this good. I never realized that one person touch could make the world spin around and wake up a part of me that I did not know existed. Oh there was passion coursing through me right now. Oh god it was the greatest feeling.

"Oh god, yes I want you. You are the most beautiful person I know," I moaned has he slowly slipped his hand in my pants. His light touch drove me nuts. He pulled himself up to me and my hands slid down to his perfect ass. I greedily grabbed it and could feel its perfection by touch.

"Nah, I know I am hot, but not as hot as you," Using his hand that was not in my pants, he unbuttoned his shorts and slid them down. He bare ass was soft to the touch. "God, I want you."

We rolled over and I pulled my pants down. Slowly I worked my way down and started to kiss his nipples. For the first time, not counting seeing straight porn, I saw someone else's rigid cock. It was a beautiful thing. It was just over seven inches in height, circumcised with a large patch of black hair above it.

"So did I choose well on your birthday gift?"

"Fuck yeah!" With that I swiftly moved down and put his cock in my mouth. I had seen girls do it in porn and I had to admit that I always had wanted to try it. I wish I could say that I knew I would be great at it, but I know that I had to have been very amateurish at is, since well, since it was my first time. Still though, I knew that I was doing something right because I could hear his moaning in pleasure. His moans just drove me to work harder to please him. For that moment the world was in bliss, maybe though if I had not had been in it then I would have been more perceptive of about what was about to happen.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!" I heard my father yell. My head moved up and off Zach cock quickly, but before I could do anything else I felt the strong hand of my father on my shoulder. He threw me off and across the room into my desk. The force of me hitting it sent shit flying everywhere. The mug I kept my pens and pencils in flew off and shattered on the floor with pens and pencils rolling everywhere. My computer moniter rolled off the desk and shattered. My wooden chair broke into three large pieces, one of them cutting into my back skin. I did not really feel it from the shock of it all.

"MY SON IS A FUCKING COCKSUCKER!" My father yelled. I could see every vain in his head throbbing. Sweet was beading up on his forehead. I had never seen him this angry before.

Zach rolled off my bed and pulled his shorts up while my father's attention was on me. I could see the fear in his eyes. He just barely got his shorts up when my father turned to him and growled, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE FAGGOT!" Zach did not need any other encouragement. He leapt onto his feet and ran out even leaving his shirt in my room.

"YOU GET THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR PANTS ON!" He grabbed me and threw me on my bed. "AFTER ALL THE THINGS YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE DONE FOR YOU THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US. YOU ARE A FUCKING FAG! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO US!"

I pulled my pants up and as I looked into my fathers face I started to cry. Shame and guilt flowed up from deep inside of me. I was horrified and scared. "I'm sorry, so sorry Dad," I sobbed.

"Don't call me that, you are not my son. My fucking son does not cry and is certainly not a fag. I raised you to be a man not a fucking cockloving fag!"

"I'm sorry.I did not mean to, but.but I am gay." It was the first time that I ever admitted it out loud. The first time you admit it, you hope that it will be just like an after school special where everyone embraces you, but this was not an after school special and my father was not someone that would ever embrace a son that was that.

"Fuck you," he grabbed my picture of last season's baseball team I was on and threw it over my head against the wall. Glass shattered everywhere. I could hear a few more people coming up the stairs. Glass was all over my bed I as slowly rolled off of it. My father began to move forward towards me. "No son of mine is a fag."

The horrible dream shattered as I opened my eyes to see Eric's concerned face over me. "Are you ok!" I realized that I had rolled into a fetal ball in his bed and could feel my face wet with tears that had streamed down it. "One moment you seemed a sleep like a baby and next you were crying." Eric wrapped his arms around me.

Instead of being able to embrace him though I pulled away and fell off the bed. My mind raced on the dream. Some dreams just go away, this one though I could remember ever point of it. Every memory that I had worked to suppress seemed to fling back at me at the speed of life. My emotions were in turmoil. I felt the same shame when Eric put me in his arms as I did on my birthday. How could I be this fucked up.

"Justin what wrong?" I could see the pain in his face. "Is it something that I did? Did I do something wrong? I am sorry." Tears had started to build up in his eyes.

I got to my feet and for a moment I felt dizzy from everything. Looking at Eric I felt even now I was still hurting people. I did not want to hurt anyone. "No no no, it isn't you. It's fucking me. I gotta go. I'm sorry. I'll call you later."

Eric started to get up but I raced out of the room before he could get halfway up. I could hear him behind me calling for me, but I could not stop. This morning I had woke up and felt like the world was new, but I knew that it was not. One night never cures the demons, especially when you are a coward.