Returning to Tate

Reminder that all characters in this story are completely fictitious and any similarities to anyone live or dead is purely coincidental. Also this story is the intellectual property of the author and my not be posted anywhere else without is express permission.

Returning To Tate

Chapter 6

Everyone's Guilt

Patrick arrived home from school about 3:20 pm. His friend Ryan had given him a ride home as he did most days. Patrick had his license but like Justin his parents did not have the money to get him a car and in fact they had told him that he was not allowed to get a car. The reason they said was because they did not want him to spend time working when he should be trying to study for school or practicing football, but the real reason was that his Mom was terrified that he might leave home and go running to his brother. His parents worked hard to keep them separated.

These last few days had been hard on him. It was good to finally have his brother back in town. Honestly that was the only thing that was holding him together at the moment. His brother was the only one in the family that understood him. The talk with Justin had been good. He was not feeling quite the weight of everything on his shoulders. Mentally he knew that he was not the cause of his Fathers stroke, but still there was a part of him that did feel guilty. It was a guilt that he was not sure that he could ever get rid of. The weight at least was not as heavy for now. Hopefully he would see his brother tonight and some more would be shifted off. If anyone could talk sense into him, Justin would be that person.

As he got out of the car, Patrick could feel the tension building inside. His sister's car sat in the driveway. This was not a good sign. She would not be over here at this hour unless she wanted to talk to him. Otherwise she would have been at the hospital with his Mother. It was obvious that she had wanted to talk to him since Justin arrived back in town. She had tried last night, but he had gone into his room and avoided her. It was not surprising that she was here again planning to talk to him, but that was the last thing he needed.

He quietly stepped into the house and went directly to his room. Patrick figured that if he at least got there then he could keep a door between her and him and thus hold off the inevitable fight that would ensue. As he shut the front door he figured for sure that he would hear his sister's voice call for hi, but the house was eerily silent. That actually made Patrick more nervous on the situation. It was like the calm before the storm or right before the monster struck in a horror film.

When he got to his room he knew why it had been quiet. Elaine was sitting quietly in his desk chair waiting for him. She was wearing a plain brown dress that she would consider the type that a pious woman would wear and one that did not show off her extra weight she carried. She was not fat, but she was not thin either. Around her neck she wore a simple silver cross. Her black hair was pulled back into a tight ball. Her face was etched with a stern, determined look. It was the look that she had perfected all her life.

"Patrick dear, how was school today?" She asked in as sweet a voice as she could muster. It was more stern then sweet, but that was how she was used to speaking. She probably thought her voice was as sweet as honey. "Are you doing alright with all that is going on? I know that it has been hard on you and you probably need someone to talk too right now."

"Elaine what are you doing in my room?" Patrick replied in an annoyed voice. To his credit he was trying to keep his temper under control. "You have no right to enter it without my position. Mom and Dad never even did that."

"Well I am your sister and there is no reason to worry about me invading your privacy. The fact of the matter is that if I did not wait for you in here then we both know you would just shut me out. We need to talk about it our Father and everything. It is not healthy to keep it all in."

"Have you thought there is a reason for that?" Patrick's anger was starting to grow. "I don't want to talk to you. We always end up arguing and that is something I do not feel up too right now."

Elaine took a deep breath and he could see her face was starting to get a little red. "Listen to me. This is a hard time for our family. It is times like this that we need to stick together as a family and we need to keep our faith in the Lord to keep our Father safe. Our mother is worried about you. She is afraid that you are not doing well with all that is going on and I agree. It is times like this that tries the soul and we both are afraid you might fall into the wrong influences."

"Tell me you are not talking about Justin, tell me that? I am not going to take you bashing him today. He is our brother." It was obvious where this conversation was about to go.

"You brother abandoned this family and the Lord long ago. He has worked to break this family up. You have to see that and understand that. Our Mother needs both of us right now, not someone that brings only grief. He only came down to take pleasure from the pain and suffering of our Father." Elaine managed to keep her voice flat even through the urge to start yelling.

"Screw you! Dad fucking abandoned Justin, not the other way around, if." Patrick yelled out before his sister interrupted.

She rose out of her chair and replied with her own yelling. "How dare you use that language on me! I am your older sister and you should respect your elders. I am willing to forgive this out burst in your state, but you need to remember respect like the Bible teaches!"

"Fuck you and fuck your bible if that is all it teaches," Patrick now got into his sister's face. Elaine was so stunned by the ferocity of the reply. "Justin is my brother and like it or not he is yours too. I always thought the Bible preached to love everyone and not this hatred shit you spew. He has been the only one I can talk too! Also no matter what you fucking think, he came down here because he is worried about Dad."

As Patrick took a breath, Elaine regained her composure. "The teachings are straight forward. When your brother chose to become a fag he went against them. He did it to spit in this family face and in Gods light. The Bible clearly says he will go to the damnation of hell and burn."

"You know you make me sick, Elaine," Patrick's voice lowered a little bit and he looked at her with plain utter disgust. "I used to think that maybe you were just misguided and that one day you would come around, but the truth of it is that you will never come around. You are a petty, vile, sick woman that is a bigoted bitch. You are not." Before Patrick could finish the statement, Elaine slapped him across the face with all her strength. The left side of his face was red from where she struck, but he did not feel anything but numbness. Adrenaline and shock keep him from feeling anything more. It might hurt in a little bit, but not now.

"How dare you!" She bellowed at him. "No one talks to me like this. You are becoming no better then that good for nothing bastard brother of yours."

"Don't you ever touch me again. I give you that one because you are a girl and my sister. Next time I will punch you in the fucking face. If I am nothing better then my brother, well then I am happy. That means I am doing damn good. I want to be half the person Justin is. That would be thousand fold better person then you are." Patrick turned and started to walk out of the room.

"Stop right there," Elaine screamed. "You will not hurt this family like Justin did. I won't allow it. You come back here."

Patrick stopped for a minute and turned around. "Fuck you bitch, I am outta here. Congrats you have equaled Dad. He ran off Justin and now you ran off me. I hope that you are happy."

Patrick turned around and began to run out of the house. He could hear his sister still yelling at him, but he just ignored it. Her yells just encouraged him to run faster and slam the front door harder. He was not sure where he was going, but anywhere was better then here.

He ran for twenty minutes before it all caught up to him. There was no specific point that he was running too. Down streets and even through yards he ran. His eyes did not focus on anything but straight ahead. They only watched out for obstacles that got into his way and truth be told he did not even register that he saw and avoided them. People looked at him funny as he ran but he did not take notice. He just kept running. He ran to run from his sister. He ran to run from his home. He ran to run from his family. He ran faster then he could ever remember running.

After twenty minutes of running a full sprint it all finally caught up to him. His breath was ragged from it. He gasped to try to catch it again. Never in his life had he ran so far so fast and even the fact that he was fit did not help much. He collapsed up against a tree. His left cheek stung from where Elaine slapped him on. His chest hurt from breathing, but also from just the stress of it all. He came close to vomiting, but managed to hold it in. As he sat there he looked around and realized that he was in the woods behind Fifth Street Elementary School. There were some kids playing on the playground but none of them noticed him.

As he took deep breaths trying to control his breathing the weight of everything seemed to hit him all at once. It was like being hit in the gut. He could not believe what just happened with his sister. They had never gotten along but he never thought he would or could yell at her like that. He had always had a stubborn streak and when he did get upset there was an anger that could rival his father, but he had always kept it in check. This afternoon he had not been able to do it. He also never imagined that she could ever slap him in the face like she did. It reminded him of their father and the time that he punched him.

What was he to do now? That was the question he desperately needed to answer. The first thought was to run to find Justin. There was not a doubt in his mind that the Cross family would take him in too. Mrs. Cross had always treated him the same as Justin and even Rick. She was a good woman. The problem with that was that he felt guilty about doing that. For one thing he did not feel comfortable being a burden to them. While he knew them well enough, he did not feel like family to them like Justin always had. Rick had been like Justin's second brother, a fact that he hated to admit sometimes made him feel a little jealous. He always wanted Justin to himself in that category. The bigger issue was that he did not want to go running to Justin with this problem. Justin had his own problems with everything and Patrick felt that he would be just be another burden on his brother. One thing Justin had always encouraged Patrick to do was not run away like he did. He had told Patrick that he needed to be strong for the family. Now Patrick felt like he let down his brother.

No he could not go there. He did not want to escalate the problem. First he had to deal with the stroke and now this. Patrick was feeling about as low as he could go. Nothing seemed to go right when he was around. Most things were able to bounce off him and not affect him, but this was too much. After a few minutes he finally broke down and started to cry. He felt more alone then at any point in his life.

Rick sat in his girlfriend's apartment. She lived in a small one bedroom in Glenbrook Apartments that were just off the Tate Community College campus. It was a nice apartment albeit a small one. She had made it a very homely and clean place. You could tell that it was definitely a woman's apartment. It did not look like the typical apartment of a college student but she hardly was a typical girl.

Rick's girlfriend was Lisa Tilton. She was a lovely young girl that was the same age as Rick. She had long red hair that she was always very proud of. Lisa considered it her greatest feature, but others would disagree. Her face had soft features with deep green eyes that sparkled like gems. Her smile would light up her whole face and seem to glow. She was a few inches over five feet in height and her body was a slender athletic build. Her body seemed perfectly proportioned to her size. Most guys had no problem agreeing that she was a beautiful young woman.

Lisa seemed like the complete opposite of Rick. They had both went to school together all their lives but never had then been very close up until the last couple of months. All through school she had worked as hard as she could to get good grades. She was one of the top students in their class. While Rick spent most weekends on dates, she dated very little and only had two boyfriends all through high school. There was not enough time for both in her life and all through high school grades were more important. Many of the students said that she was too much of a prude to date anyway. This of course was not true, she was just driven. She wanted to get out of this town. She dreamed of going to a great school and doing great things.

That had not happened though. Two weeks after graduation her Mother had gotten diagnosed with breast cancer. Her father had left five years ago and that just left her to take care of her mother. She did not regret the decision but there were times that she wished she had been able to go to a real college. She had been forced to turn down a full ride scholarship to Harvard that year. Always the optimist though, she said that one day she would go to a great school like Harvard or Yale. For now at least some classes at Tate Community College kept her mind sharp. She just had to be patient. You just could not give up in life.

Rick had started dating Lisa about four weeks ago. They had started the semester together in the same class, Communications 101. The professor had decided to pair them up to work together. That had been fine with both of them since they had known each other for so long. Lisa worried that Rick might bring down her grade and there were times that she was not let down by his slacking. Luckily the professor made sure that she knew her grade would not be harmed by it. He graded her on her own merit and in fact she even suspected she might be getting a few extra sympathy points for having Rick teamed with her.

At first they treated each other just like back in high school. They would joke and not talk about anything serious. The only person she had really known in Rick's circle of friends was Justin. She had tried to actually date him in eighth and ninth grade, but Justin had shrugged her off. Lisa had just assumed that he was too shy for dating or was not interested in her. That had been fine because she had school work to do. When she found out the truth, she tried to develop a friendship with him without ever mentioning the rumors. She knew they were true, once she had been told it had all seemed obvious. She had wanted him to be comfortable with her as a friend. She wanted to make sure he knew she did not do it out of pity or higher purpose. Lisa knew that he was someone that needed real friends and just because he was gay did not change that she liked him as a person. He never got really comfortable with her, but neither did he push her away. Since he had gone to Burke though, she had not heard from him.

As the weeks in Comm class went longer, they slowly began to develop something more. Amazingly enough to Rick's utter shock, he found that he was not only attracted to her looks, but also her personality. It was rare that Rick really felt any strong emotional bonds with the women he dated. Most of the time he dated them to have a good time and hopefully get some sex out of it. The more time he spent with Lisa though, the more strongly he felt about her. It was not all about sex to him.

Lisa also had fallen for him too. She had always thought Rick was good looking, but he had seemed far too shallow for her. He had been a class clown and someone that did not give a care in the world about grades. He seemed unmotivated and ambitious in life. Instead though the more she talked with him the more she found she could not resist him. He was funny and always keeping her in good spirits, but the part that really meant something was the fact that the more she talked to him, the more she realized that he was deeper. Rick was definitely a slacker, but he was not stupid. When he put his mind on something, he could easily solve any problem. He was not unmotivated, but he just had not discovered where those motivations lay. Truth was, she was in love with Rick. It was a new feeling for her.

"Rick is there something on your mind today?" Lisa entered the room. She was wearing a lovely blue dress that showed off her legs. That always made Rick a little more excited. He was a leg man. "You look like you are bothered by something. Can we talk about it?"

Rick looked up too her and smiled. Since the short time they had started dating, she seemed able to always read his mind. It was both a good thing and something that did make him feel a little bit uncomfortable. He was not used to being this close. "Yeah, I guess there is. Justin is back in town. He arrived yesterday morning."

"What, he came back to town and you didn't even tell me," She playfully hit him as she sat on his lap. "I have not seen him since high school. How is he doing? Is everything ok with him?"

He chuckled at her. This was his girl, always concerned. "I wasn't sure yesterday if I wanted to talk about it. I mean it is great to see him and all, but it just has been so long and I feel sort of guilty."

"Why do you feel guilty? Are you bothered because it has been so long?" Lisa asked sympathetically.

"Yeah, that is part of it. He has always been my best friend. Always he was there for me. I guess I felt a little hurt that he could walk away from our friendship so easily. I mean," Rick paused to sigh. "I mean I understand why he left and I do kinda understand the whole wanting to leave your world behind when you go through shit like he did. I just have trouble understanding why he would just forget about me. I never would do that to him." He had to focus away from looking at her. He sort of felt ashamed at the statements he was saying.

Lisa put her hand on his chin and forced him to look at her. "It is ok to feel like that. It is something hard to have had to deal with. It is the natural response, but he still is your friend. You obviously meant something because he is back."

"Well it wasn't me he came back for. That is what makes me feel even guiltier. He came back because his father had a stroke. I feel like shit because I am jealous that he came back for that, but not me. How fucked up is that?"

"Oh my god, is his father ok?" Her voice went soft and up an octave in concern.

"He is in a coma I guess. It is not like it should matter. To be honest, I won't feel bad if he dies. He is a fucking prick for putting Justin through everything. Still though it is his father I guess. I just feel conflicted about it."

"Poor Justin, I hope he is doing well," She then gave Rick a light peck on the check. "Don't worry it is ok to feel like that. His father was not a good man and I would have been worried if you had felt otherwise. You always were protecting Justin. He is the brother you never had. You just really need to talk to him and get some of these things out. It is not going to do any good to just hold it all in and brood over it."

Rick smiled at her. He could never remain down when he was with her. "I know, I know. We do need to talk and I want too. I just don't know when the proper time will be. It just doesn't feel right to lay it on him right now when he has so much more going on. Although with everything said I have to admit there a large part of me that is just happy that he is around, even if it is just for a few days. It almost feels like old times."

"Well it should. You guys were an awesome team. Even before we started dating I could tell that you were not happy like you used to be in high school. So now I know the reason why," Lisa grinned at him. "So what did he think when you told him we were dating? I bet that was a surprise!"

The guilt must have shown plainly on his face because she punched him in the gut. "You didn't tell him did you? Why I ought to bet the crap out of you. First you won't let me meet your family and now you have not even told your best friend. I am beginning to think that you are ashamed of me." She looked away and gave a mock pouting look.

"Its not that baby doll," Rick began to try to weasel out of the corner he had put himself into. He was pretty good at doing that. "I mean you know I love you. I am just afraid of what my parents.I mean you know I never have had a serious girlfriend and.fuck it I haven't got a real excuse. I just do not want my parents to give me a hard time about having a serious relationship. They would have a lot of fun with it, but that isn't an excuse. As for not mentioning it to Justin, well I just didn't feel comfortable saying that to him yesterday. I will though tell them all I promise you that. If it means that much to you, it was be my honor."

Lisa gave him the smile that always lit up his day and the one that he could never say no too. "That's ok, I understand. We can wait until after the semester is over, but I want to meet them then. I have already introduced you to my Mom and she just loves you. I just want to have the same opportunity. Although I would really prefer you to tell Justin before then, I kind of want to see him and see how he is doing. It sounds like he could use friends around him right now."

"Ok, ok, although could we wait until after the summer maybe for my parents?" Lisa gave him a sharp look. "Ok, next weekend after finals are over. My Dad will be back in town. We might as well get it over with. I will also tell Justin tonight when I talk to him. You are right I need to set things straight there. What would I do without you?"

"Well first you would flunk communications, then you probably would be completely lost in the world and finally you would be sulking in despair of not having me to help you guide you life!" All Rick could do was laugh.

Having things settled felt good for Rick. He was nervous about having Lisa meet his parents, but it really was not about her. There was no doubt that his parents would love her. She was the type of girl that his Mom dreamed would become a daughter-in-law. His Mom honestly just never thought that Rick would find such a girl. She always said that Rick tried to hard to be a player. She just never would let Rick live it down that he finally found a girl that she would approve of.

Rick also had to admit that he felt a lot of relief right now as well. He had been bothered a lot about not having talked to Justin yet. Since Justin had left for Tate, he had really missed his best friend. All his life Justin had been the one person he had been able to talk about everything with. When Justin left for Tate, there was no one that filled that void. He had missed that. He also had to admit he felt excited about talking to him about Lisa. Rick had no one to talk to about that. Yeah Justin would probably give him some grief too, but it was the good type grief.

They sat down to watch a movie. It was one of the first things they discovered that they both loved to do. Tonight on the agenda to watch was Hitch. Rick did not particularly want to watch the movie, but he did not complain. The most important thing about watching a movie together was just curling up together on the couch.

They were about forty minutes into the movie when his cell phone went off. Rick almost did not open the phone up, but he saw that it was his Mom. She would not call unless it was for something important. That was something else that showed how awesome she was, she gave him all the space he needed. She had especially tried to not mother him so much since he became a college student. He paused the movie and got up off the couch.

"Hey, what's up?" He answered. The call was not what he expected. He listened for a minute before replying. Lisa got worried by the look on his face. "Ok, I am on the way right now. Don't worry it will be ok."

Eric sat in the corner of his room against the wall. He had his arms wrapped around his legs. At that moment he felt pretty low. It was not quite to the point of sitting along a street thinking that he was dying, but up there it ranked pretty close. He was not sure what had happened and if he had done anything wrong to make Justin act the way he did. He had never seen someone go from looking that peaceful and then shifting into a state of panic, while he slept nevertheless. The only exclamation he could come up with was that it had been his fault.

Eric's family had moved to Tate at the end of July last year. It had been a hard move on him from the very beginning. First off, he had left his high school just as he was about to be a senior. Growing up that was the grade that every child looks forward too because it meant you were one of the top dogs, and you ruled everything below you. He had been in the same school system his whole life and had grown up with his friends. In Massachusetts he had a strong circle of friends that he could depend on for support. It had been those friends that had made it easy for him to come out of the closet at an early age. They had made sure that he felt safe and really comfortable with it all. When he told everyone, it was not a big deal at all. They took it just like it was one of the more mundane things he ever said.

That was really the other advantage to his previous home. He came from a progressive community. It is not to say that everyone was accepting, but for the most part people were tolerant. There had been other gay students in his old high school and there even was a straight, gay, bi, and lesbian club at school. During high school he had had not one but two boyfriends. He had felt as close as you could to being a normal high school student back there. There seemed to be little worries in those days.

Then his father had gotten a promotion that he could not pass up. He had got offered a promotion to manage a plant here in Tate. It was about a forty percent increase in pay. More then that was the fact that the cost of living in Tate was like a third or less then that off living in Massachusetts. Thus not only was he making more money, every dollar he made was effectively worth considerably more. Eric had understood the decision even if he did not like it. It would make going to college easier and if nothing else he was supportive of his parents. They had always been supportive of him, he could not be anything else other then that. Always in life he tried to be an optimist, so he did his best to look forward to the change in Tate.

Tate had proved a great deal harder then he would have ever anticipated. Tate was not nearly as progressive as the city he was from. Homophobia was far more rampant and accepted then in the east. When he first arrived to Tate High, he never thought to hide his homosexuality. It had been natural for him to be comfortable with it. He felt no reason to hide it or be ashamed of it. Yeah he had come across the occasional intolerant bigot even in his old town, but it never bothered him. They seemed like the tiny minority and even then when confronted he had a tight circle of friends to protect him. Here in Tate though, that was something that could not be ignored. There were no other students that admitted to being gay in the school. He knew there had to be, but there was good reason to not be out here. From the very beginning he got his first taste of real bigotry.

On the very first day he had told a couple of girls that were quickly interested in him that he was gay. Gossip in a high school moved quicker then any news company could do. The hostility was evident and clearly shown. He was pushed and his books were knocked out of his hands. Names were called behind and in front of his face. Some teachers even saw it but said nothing. They just turned the other way. That was the real scary part of Tate.

All through the year things did not get much better. He only had two real friends at the school, Sandra Tyler and Rebecca Dunn. No guy would even talk to him for fear of being named gay. There were also only two teachers that tended to be good to him, Mr. Culpepper and Mrs. Wright. They had tried to help him out, but at that point he had just shut down. He just could not find a way to trust them or really trust any one. So he began to become the recluse of the school and avoided almost everyone.

He did not even tell his parents what were going on. They saw that he was quieter and sometimes he came home with an occasional cut or bruise from a fight, but none so severe that he could not convince them it was nothing. He just told them that he just felt uncomfortable, but that everything was fine. There was no reason to dampen their lives in this town. He knew how important it was that he was happy. He just calmly worked to count the days until college. It was only when he was beaten to point of near death that they saw what he was going through.

Then two nights ago he finally saw some form of light in this town. He had met Justin. Five days ago he thought he was about to die, but then when he thought life was over, there was him. On the first morning he met Justin, he knew that he was gay. There are some people you could tell when you know what to look for and Justin hit all the points for Eric. Even better he could tell that Justin was interested in him. It had been obvious and even cute about it all. Justin had tried to act like he was not and that had just attracted Eric to him more. Still he did not want to scare off the only person that he seemed to have a connection too. That was exactly what he feared that he did today.

Eric sat there on the floor trying to figure out what to do. He felt like shit at that moment. His head hurt. It was probably time to take a pain pill, but he wanted to think. The pain pills did help the pain but they dulled him thinking. He also felt like crap because he actually found someone that he liked and before there was a chance for anything to develop it seemed to have disappeared all at once. It was like his life in general. Tate seemed like the end of life too him.

The more he thought about it, the more he began to decide things were not his fault. He did not do anything really. There was a possibility that he came on too strong and that might have had something to do with it. He was willing to give thought to that idea, but that did not seem right. Justin shifted too quickly. Plus it had all seemed to have started while he was asleep. There was something wrong with Justin, something bothering him greatly. He was sure that it had to do with his family and what had been going on at the hospital.

Eric got up and made up his mind. He had to help Justin. It was the least he could do. Even in the short time, Justin had meant a lot to him. He could sit here and wallow in self pity or he could try to change it. The time was about six-thirty and if he was going to do it, now was the time. His Mom would be home soon and once that happened she would not let him out of the house. Yeah she would be upset with him, but there were some things that were more important and this was one of them. His parents would just have to understand that.

He grabbed his cell phone and left his room. On his way out he left a note for his Mom. He hoped that she would not freak out, but that would be a vain hope he knew. She was in over protective mode right now. He did understand why, any mother would be after what he went through, but he could not let that stop him now. If things went right she would gladly understand.or at least he hoped so.

I arrived back at the Cross house at about five-thirty. As I pulled into the driveway I could see that Mrs. Cross's car was in the driveway but Rick's was not. I had hoped that Rick was there. I needed to talk to someone right now and Rick or Patrick had always been the two people I could talk too. Rick was always good at listening and putting things in proper perspective for me. Still, it seemed like a lot to put on him all at once. It just made me feel even guiltier that it had been only problems that had brought me around again. I should have come back more often. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do about that now.

I sat there in the car for a few minutes. My body was still shaking and my head was still spinning from the dream. I could feel my heart pumping as hard as it possibly could. If I didn't know better I would have thought that I was in a middle of a heart attack. My stomach was also in knots and I considered it very likely that I might vomit. It had been a long time that I felt this bad. I never knew a dream could bring back memories this quickly and sharply.

Finally I made the decision. There was only one thing I could think to do, but it made me feel nervous about it. I had to talk to Mrs. Cross about it all. There was no doubt she could put it in perspective and she was totally awesome. Still there was a part of me that felt uncomfortable talking about it all. The only two people I had fully told about the day had been Rick and Patrick. I could never lie to either of them and neither would let me avoid telling them. They just stayed on my case until they got the whole story. They both knew that I had to talk about it. My emotions had always been something that I tightly held inside. If my emotions had been carbon then I would have diamonds with how tight I held them to myself. In the end the truth was I had to talk to someone again. If I didn't I was worried that I would have a real nervous breakdown. If nothing else I felt I might regress back to how I felt before. I couldn't do that right now. It had become too hard to hold inside. Mrs. Cross would be a good person for that. She was someone I could trust and someone that did care. If there was someone I could go to, it was her.

After a couple more minutes in the car, I got myself together and went into the house. Mrs. Cross was on the patio reading a book. She was still wearing a smart red professional outfit that she had worn to work. Her hair was up and just looked perfect. There was an air of elegance about her as she sat there. There was an aura of trust and kindness that just made me feel better as soon as I saw her. Just seeing her made me smile for a minute and think of good times. My confidence grew about talking to her.

"Mrs. Cross," I said meekly. "Can I talk to you please?"

She looked up and gave me the motherly concerned look. I knew by the way I looked that she could tell something was really wrong. "Of course dear, sit down," She pulled a chair out beside her for me to sit in. "What's wrong? Is it you father?"

I took a deep breath and sat down. I was not sure where to begin. There was a lot to talk about and none of it was anything that I felt comfortable with. "Yes and no, I guess it all wraps around my father. Nothing has changed in the hospital, but still I am being affected by him. I actually feel pretty fucked up right now. Sorry for the language."

She moved closer and grabbed my hands. "You know dear, things have been tough for you and there are things that I am sure that have affected you. It is not something easy to get through, but you have to take one day at a time and cannot run away from them. That only delays facing the problems."

"That much I know," I managed to give her a little smile back. "It has just been really hard. I guess though I should tell you everything. You will need to know it if I can get through this all."

I started talking and did not stop. It was only the third time in my life I ever said the events of my birthday out loud. Telling the story was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. When I told Rick and Patrick, each time had been an ordeal that I had thought I could not get through. This time it was not as bad. Oh it still hurt and more then one tear was shed, but I did not just break down. Each time I got close to breaking down, I just stared over at Mrs. Cross and she gave me a reassuring look to continue. She wrapped her hands around my left hand to give me strength. She did not interrupt once, but let me tell it at my own pace. It was embarrassing telling her about the sexual encounter, but there was not one look of disgust on her face from it. She made me feel normal. When I talked about my father coming in, I could see her getting angry at my father. Still though she held her tongue and let me talk my way through it. After I finished telling her the story, all I could do was look at my feet. I felt better but still there was a lot of shame in me. Some things I never wanted to tell anyone and especially someone as close as Mrs. Cross to me.

"It's ok, honey," She said softly as she wrapped her arms around me. At that point I did break down and start crying. "It is not your fault. It is not your fault. Your father was an asshole, a brutal one that did not deserve to have children like you and your brother. He does not know the meaning of love and that is sad, so very sad. You are a special young man who has survived something most would not of, and you should be proud of that. It is ok."

I calmed myself down a little bit and got control of myself. "I know, I keep saying that. Sometimes I believe it. Today I did, but it keeps coming back to haunt me. I hate myself sometimes."

"Don't you ever say that," Mrs. Cross said sternly. "I have told you that before. You just have it harder then most, but there is one thing I know is if there is anyone that can come out ok in the face of adversity it is you. I am and always have been so proud of you."

I looked at her for a minute and it felt good to hear those words and see her proud smile. It was weird but I actually felt better and stronger. In a way those words meant more to me then when my father said he was proud of me, because she really did know who I was. "I guess I should tell you everything since I have went this far. This is where I need the advice." So with that I started to tell her about everything in the last two days. I actually spoke about Eric and even about my feelings. I know I blushed a lot and I had a lot of trouble talking about it, but Mrs. Cross once again did not interrupt once. She patiently listened to me and my problems. She just smiled and was supportive. Once again I wished that she had been my real mother. This was the way they should act.

When he got through with it all, all I could do was stare at the ground. The embarrassment of it all was almost too much, but also the shame of what had happened at Eric's house was great too. These were just so much damn uncharted waters for me in my life.

For a minute Mrs. Cross sat quietly trying to think of what to say. Then in a soft supportive voice she began, "It is about time you found someone." I looked at her amazed by what she said. While I knew she would be supportive, that was definitely not what I thought she would say. "You are a smart, handsome young man, and you deserve to find someone. This Eric seems marvelous. If Rick won't find me a daughter- in-law, maybe you can get me a son-in-law." I blushed a little at that comment.

"But the dream and everything," I sighed. "I mean I just ran out of his house. It just all reminded me of my birthday. I don't think it is fair to even think about anything more when I am just so damn fucked up."

"You just need to tell him everything and let him decide," Mrs. Cross gently nudged my chin to look at her. "I think that if he is the type of person you think he is, well then you will be fine. You admit that you like him, so if you are going to move forward in life, then you have to take a chance. That is what life is. I think he can help you where none of us can. We are all fucked up in life, it is just how we deal with it that decides just how it effects us."

"But he also has too much shit to deal with. I mean I told you what Mr. Culpepper said. Eric was attack and almost killed! How can I ask him to deal with and help me with my crap when his is so much worse? That just doesn't seem fair to him."

"Have you thought that maybe he needs someone there too? Yes he has gone through a traumatic event, but from what you told me he seems to feel the same way about you. Give him a chance and he may surprise you. In the end that is what a relationship is about, helping each other. I can guarantee that he needs someone just like you need someone. You would both be doing each other a favor and service. Don't let this pass you by. Too much of life has already done that."

I sat back and just thought for a few minutes. It was hard to argue with her logic when believed her. She was right. It just felt so damn hard. That was the definition of life sometimes, hard. I really did like Eric. That much I knew was true. I always really wanted to help him. No one should have to go through what he went through, but was I strong enough with my mess. The answer was yes.

"You're right," I looked back at Mrs. Cross and smiled. "You are always right. I wish I had told you about all this stuff long ago. Maybe it would not have been as bad. I just couldn't talk about it."

She smiled again. "Honey, I knew about your birthday the day after you told Rick. He made us promise not to tell you, but he was worried. I figured when you were ready you would tell us. Richard and I have always seen you as are other son. You know that right? I have not bothered you about when you arrived back, but you know you can always call me Mom too."

As she spoke, I at first felt a little shock that they had known what happened on my birthday. I was not surprised Rick would have told them. He had been worried, but I figured that if they would have known, then I would have been told. They were wonderful people. My life may not have been the best, but the day I rode my big wheel down the street was the most important day of my life. It was fate and the one life preserver that had saved my life.

"Thanks," I gave a goofy smile. "You know I have always loved you as a Mom, but it just feels weird. I just wish my Mom had been you. Thanks also for respecting my privacy back then, I don't know if I could have handled dealing with it all. I felt like I needed to just hide from everything from that day. My father would have been pissed if he knew that you guys knew."

Mrs. Cross raised her eyebrows in amusement. "Oh he did, he did. I probably should not be telling you this, but Richard actual went over to the bar that you Father sometimes frequents with his co workers. He took him aside and said that if he ever laid a hand on you again that no one ever would find him again. When he gave Richard some lip and threatened him, well Richard belted him one in the jaw. That was why Richards hand was sore for a week during you junior year of high school. It was the only time I think he ever hit another person."

My mouth just dropped open. I did remember the week that Mr. Cross's hand was hurt. I never imagined him to be violent and especially for me. Today was just a day of revelations. "I am so sorry. I never wanted to get you guys invol."

"Don't even begin to start apologizing young man," Mrs. Cross interrupted me. "Like I said you have been just like our natural born son..well in some ways better, you gave us less grief then Rick," she smiled at me. "We protect our own. Richard did not intend to get physical with you father, but he was proud of his action and to tell you the truth I was too. Your father was never going to hurt you again."

"Thank you, you really are like family," I gave her a hug. "There is something else I should ask you now. Is it ok if I stay here this summer? I think I would like to spend time with everyone before going back to school."

"You never have to ask. This is your home too. I was hoping you might decide to do that. It has been far too long that my family has been together." She laughed at me blushing again.

"Well why don't we go inside and I can begin cooking you a proper dinner. I can tell you have not been properly eating well up there at college."

We got up and went inside of the house. One of the things Mrs. Cross loved to do was cook and like I said she was awesome at it. In the Cross household the kitchen was one of the centers of the house. We would sit around the kitchen and socialize while Mrs. Cross would cook meals. I sat down on one of the stools that were by the counter island in the kitchen. Mrs. Cross started to pull out the pans that she was going to use. It was at that moment the phone rang.

Mrs. Cross picked it up and said hello. She then turned around and handed me the cordless phone. "It is you mother and she seems to be upset."

I grimaced. She probably just wanted to get into another argument, but I could not be sure about that. There was a chance that my father might have actually passed away. Thus I knew I was going to have to take the phone call. "Hello."

"How could you turn your brother against us in a time like this," my mother shrieked in my ear. "Your sister is in tears from what he said and you need to bring him home right now. He needs his family right now."

"What?" I asked confused. "I have no clue on what you are talking about. Patrick is not with me."

"Oh don't lie to me, if he has run away he would have run to you. You have always been trying to get him to leave us since you left. How can you be so cruel at a time like this? You come down and break the family up even more. Patrick needs to be with his family now not with you."

I took a deep breath. I was getting pissed, but I also was getting very worried. "Calm down, Mom. I have not, repeat have not seen Patrick today. What exactly happened at the house?"

On the other end of the phone I could hear my mother sob a little bit. "I wasn't home but your sister went over to talk to him. He started yelling at her and stormed out of the house. He said he was leaving just like you did."

"So Elaine got in an argument with him? He is not here, but I will see if I can find him."

"You promise you will? Promise me you will find him and bring him home," my mother pleaded.

"Yes I will, but Elaine cannot be at the house when I bring him by. You know that she will just agitate the situation and to be honest I do not want to see her right now."

"Elaine has been around me all the time, I cannot send her away. Besides Patrick needs to apologize to her."

"Listen I am going to find him now, but if Elaine is there, we are not going to head back to the house. I am not about to deal with her crap and if you want Patrick to stay then obviously she can't be there. You know deep down she is antagonistic."

I could hear her sob a little bit more and then she cleared her voice. "Ok, she will not be here. Just please bring him home. I can't have him run out right now. I just can't lose him with all that is going on."

"Ok, I am going to find him. I will see you in a little bit." I hung up the phone. I felt frustrated and scared. I did not think that Patrick would do anything rash, but I really had not been around him much as of late. He had all of that guilt in him too. I knew from experience that just that could cause you to do something that any rational person would never think of.

"Is everything ok honey?" Mrs. Cross asked me. She had been hovering close to me during the whole phone conversation. She had a concerned look on her face.

"Something is wrong with Patrick, he has run away. I need to go find him." I started to run out of the kitchen. Before I got two steps though, Mrs. Cross had grabbed my arm.

"Hold on a second." She ran over to her purse and pulled out her cellular phone. "Take this with you. Call Rick, he can help you find Patrick. I will wait here in case he comes back here. Just stay calm and all will be ok."

I gave Mrs. Cross a hug and grabbed the cellular phone. "Thanks, I don't think he will come here, but thanks. I will find him."

"I know you will."

I pulled my keys out of my pocket and began to run to my car. I was not sure where to go, but I had some ideas. All that I knew was that I had to find Patrick. He would not just come to me. Patrick was like me. Back in my junior year he had almost ran away from home like I did. I had talked him out of it and made him promise to not run away. He would not want to put me in the middle of it and also he probably would feel bad that he had broken his promise to me. That was always something that had been very important to both of us, our word.

I ran out of the house. The only thought running through my head was to find Patrick. As I ran out the front door, I came damn close to running Eric over. He had been standing at the front door, apparently waiting to knock on the door. He looked nervous and uncomfortable. I think in my state, I sort of scared him a little bit too.

"Eric?" I paused for a moment. "Is everything ok?"

He looked at me rather sheepishly. I think that in my hurried state he thought I was upset that he was here. "Well I was.was worried about you? You ran out so quickly that I was afraid I did something wrong. You are not mad that I am here are you?"

I gave him a small smile. I wish it could have been more, but with Patrick being missing that was the most I could do. "No, fuck, I don't have time to talk this out. Get in the car and I'll explain it. There is an emergency right now with my brother." I pointed to the car.

Eric did not hesitate. He ran to the passenger seat of my car and got in. I opened up the cell phone and called Rick. He was surprised to hear my voice, but once I told him the situation, he was on the move too. The search was now on. Hopefully I will find him safe.