Here is a surprise for everyone, but another installment this quick. Originally I was going to get a part of another story that I do not post done, but a really nice e-mail ended up encouraging me to get another chapter done quickly. Consider this an early Christmas gift. Hopefully everyone will enjoy. I doubt there will be another one before Christmas, but who knows if you all are good Anyway once again, all the characters in the story are completely factictious and any resembalence in purely coincidental, and scary This story is the intellectual property of the author, so please don't take a post this anywhere else. Thanks.
Returning To Tate: Chapter 8:
Starting Again
I woke up to the low rumbling sound of Patrick snoring beside me. He obviously still snored as much as ever, some things never change. While his snoring could be annoying, it was not what woke me up. It was never that loud, usually I just had to make sure I feel asleep first. It could keep me awake, but once asleep I was dead to it. No I was wakened by dreams. They once again had come to me. They were the haunting ones. It was not as bad as at Eric's, but still bad enough to wake from my slumber. The sun had not even risen in the sky. A look to the alarm clock at my bedside told me that it was ten after five in the morning.
I laid there in bed for a few moments and
pondered trying to get back to sleep. The problem was that I knew that I was wide awake now. My brain seemed to tell me that it did not want to go back and revisit the dreams. It had been a little more then four hours of sleep. Normally that was far from enough for me, apparently tonight that was going to be it. I might be able to force myself to fall asleep with enough patience, but it felt like a losing cause. My thoughts only seemed to accelerate the more I laid there. The more thinking I did, the more I knew I couldn't return to sleep.
Even in the darkness of the room I could see
Patrick laying there beside me. He had wrapped his arms around a pillow as if embracing it. Thankfully he looked like he was sleeping well. Patrick usually always did. Well, as long as I could remember he did. I could not really say for the last few years if sleep was still as easy for him. That gave me a pang of guilt. I should know that. I took solace that at least I knew tonight he slept well. That was a start.
After a few minutes I finally got out of bed.
Part of me just wanted to lay there and keep an eye on my brother. Right now I still felt very protective of him. My body though was aching to move around. Patrick was right, I always did roll around when I slept, but sometimes I think it was worse when I was up. Besides I wanted to get out of this room and just think for a bit. I needed to clear my head. I quietly moved around the room and put my jeans
on. Then I took one last look at Patrick and crept out of the room. When I wanted to I could be quiet as a mouse. The last four years had only helped develop those skills to unprecedented level for myself. During those years I did not want to be noticed. I successfully achieved it to some degree. People at Burke would often mention how quiet I usually was. Any group I hung out with knew me as the stoic one. I never said a whole lot and people thought nothing ever fazed me. They were right to some degree. Thinking back, I knew that there was just something dead inside me.
As I left the room I was not sure where I
was going to go. Finally I settled on the back porch. That seemed like the place where I would be least likely to be disturbed or wake anyone else. The morning was a little cool, but far from cold. It was in the mid-sixties with a slight breeze. Humidity seemed to have abandon Tate at least for the morning. The sky was clear. Hundreds of stars filled it, but to the east was an aura of light that was slowly eating the sky up. It was weird. I could not remember the last time that I was up this hour and took notice of the sunrise. There was something optimistic about it. Dawn of a new day seemed to give me some hope. Maybe I was becoming a bit of an idealist. That was a frightful thought.
Thankfully I could not remember much about my dreams. These had at least the courtesy of fading away the more I was awake. I remembered enough that it had to do with a certain night four years ago. It was a night that the events of last night had reminded me of. The look in Patrick's face had been much like my look had been, I knew that without a doubt. The difference was we had stopped him before he tried something. I on the other hand had actually made it to the point of the attempt. It was scary to still think about even now. It had been almost four years ago, but there was still a lot of pain associated with that night. The pain still felt raw.
That night had been three days after I had left
home and moved into the Cross's house. It had been three days after my father had hit me and told me to get the hell out. Before that point I had felt like shit and was full of pain, but that had been nothing compared to how I felt at the point. Deep down, I had hoped that I could fix things with my family. Eventually I figure, no I knew that my Father had to forgive me. He would realize that I was his son and that I was still the same son. When I got kicked out I finally came to the realization that it really was over. The optimism I had had, however small it was, really was truly gone. That part of me became dead. It was like a part of my insides rotted away. It had become like a cancer and it felt like it was spreading relentlessly. No matter what people said, I felt like I was dying inside. I know that I made the situation worse because I tried to act as if everything was fine. It just added to the pressure and accelerated everything. The fa‡ade was like putting a lid on boiling water to try to contain the steam. Thus three days after being at the Cross's house, I snuck out at two in the morning. I couldn't contain it anymore.
There was no doubt what I was going to do. I wanted it to end. I wanted to be at peace. Pain and sorrow felt overwhelming. When I was awake, I did not want to do anything but lay there. Sleep would not come. My body only went to sleep when it was too wary to keep going. On that third night, I walked across town to Camden Woods. The woods were bisected by a railroad track. Figured I would just lay on the tracks and let the train do all the work. It seemed like the best way. I figured no one that I cared for or loved would find me. I did no want that at all.
I had some luck, the best kind of luck in being friends with Rick. Rick was a very perceptive friend. He had kept a better eye on me then I could imagine. When I left the house that night, he was following me. I never noticed. Rick was the master at sneaking out of the house. If I might have suspected he could be up, I might have been more perceptive, but he had outsmarted me thank god. He knew that I was up to something and figured it would show itself soon.
Even now I can remember that night as if it was just yesterday. That night had been a clear one too. The sky was full of stars. There was no being sucked in by the wonders of them that night. It had just felt like a peaceful night. It had felt like it was the right night to go out on. How stupid of a thought was that? When I heard the train coming, I did not even look to it. I just focused on the sky. There was a calm of feeling ready for it. There was an inner peace that all the pain, hurt, and pressure was about to be swept away forever.
Just a few seconds before the train would have
hit, Rick ran out from seemingly no where and grabbed me. He pulled me off the tracks and we both were just missed by the train in a matter of seconds. It was still weird to think that my life almost was over in those few seconds. Rick had yelled at me. We had both cried that night. Thankfully he was there. I knew back then I had felt selfish by my plan. Still it was nothing compared to this.
Seeing Patrick tonight and going through those thoughts, I guess I never really knew how painful that could be to others. Mentally I knew it did hurt people, but it was a hundred fold worse then I could imagine. There was no blame on Patrick, but I felt horrible that I had put Rick through this same thing, only worse, four years ago. How it must have hurt for him, but he never held a grudge on it. I had deserved him to be angry, but the next day it had been like nothing had happened.
Finally I broke down and started to cry. Four years and still I felt guilty about it. Time didn't make it better. Tonight it had proven that it had only gotten worse. I did not deserve the people in my life that were here. Thank god for Rick. If it was not for him, I would not have been there for Patrick last night. Once again I guess I could not sneak out of the house without being noticed.
"Hey man, everything ok?" Rick came up from behind me. He scared the hell out of me. I jumped a little out of the chair. That only made me laugh at being surprised so easily which is a weird mix of emotions, crying, shock, and laughter. It was like my emotions didn't know which way to go.
"Bloody hell," I sat back in the chair and wiped my eyes. "You scared the shit out of me. What the hell are you doing up?" "I couldn't fall asleep tonight," He sat down in
the chair beside me. "There were a lot of things that were running through my mind. You know how it is. Everything ok? Are you crying because of Patrick?"
I looked at Rick for moment. There was a quick thought that I should just lie about it all. At Burke I had gotten used to never talking about what was on my mind. Rick would have saw through it in a blink of the eye, besides Rick was one of those people I never wanted to lie to. I needed to be honest to him. That was the only way I could be honest with myself always. Patrick and Rick, they had always kept the truth running in me.
"Yeah, I guess," I finally spoke after a second. "I had a dream about the train tracks. Tonight reminded me of that. I am so fucking sorry for that."
Rick gave me that smile that made me feel like everything would be always ok. "Hey don't worry about it. That is in the past. The important thing is that you are still here. That night always sort of haunted me too. What if I had slipped trying to run to you? I don't know if I ever told you, but I did not get there in just the nick of time. I had been there for ten minutes watching you. As soon as you left the house I was on you ass. I knew that night was the night you were going to try something. You had been extra quiet and your mannerism were that of a trapped animal. I just figured while you laid on those tracks that maybe you would come to you senses."
"No, I didn't know that," I looked at him with a mixture of surprise. I guess I should have known that. It would not take a rocket scientist to know that if he hadn't been right behind me, then he never would have found me. Camden Woods was not a common place for me to go. That was one of the reasons I chose it. People would not look there. It made me feel even guiltier, if that was possible. "I was fucking out of my mind that night. As I had laid there, it just felt right. That just shows how self absorbed I was. I should have known."
I started to feel tears growing, but Rick put
his arm around me. "Don't worry about that. Like I said it is in the past. We all are self absorbed sometimes. Tonight when you found Patrick you were right, we all have those thoughts. We all can only take so much. In just a matter of months, you had more problems and pain then anyone should ever have in a lifetime. Still both Patrick and you need to remember that no matter what there are people there for you."
"Thanks," I looked up into his eyes and all I could do was smile. "I don't know how you put up with me and how you were always there? You never will know how much it means."
"Ah I do. Everyday that you are still
around I know that. I had the easy part. I just had to try to hold your hand and keep you going. You are the one that had to really keep going. Besides you are my best friend and brother, what else could I do?" He put his left arm around my neck and pulled me into an embrace. "You would have done the same thing. I know that."
After a few seconds we pulled out of the embrace. "Fuck, when was the last time we were up this late talking?" I shifted the subject. That was enough of all this deep emotional shit for one morning.
"Yeah that would be the first Christmas you went off to Burke when you came back. It was New Years. We went out to that party, but you could not deal with all of the people so we left early. In the end we sat around here and just chilled until the sun came up. Then crashed til like five in the evening."
"God, I am sorry about that. I remember you were trying to make time with Christine Waterstone. You had wanted to date her since high school when she was captain of the cheerleading squad. You should not have been babysitting me."
"No it was a better time then I would have had
at the party. Christine came out last year as a lesbian to her parents I guess. She is dating some butch girl in Connecticut I think. Besides I was happy to have you home. I would rather spend time with you then a one night stand.well at least as long as I was still getting some one night stands once in awhile. I mean I am human."
"Jeez, such the whore," I tried to be accusing
but ultimately failed in a fit of laughter.
"Hey I am a commodity. I can't let women go
without a little bit if of the Rick. That would be inhuman.a crime against humanity. I mean you would not want me charged in the Hague?"
"I guess not," we both busted out laughing. "So
what girl are you working on getting into bed now? Some sort of sorority girl. I remember last year you had a goal of one from each of the sorority houses."
Rick got quiet for a minute. He sort of seemed a little nervous, but he also had a really stupid grin on his face that he kept trying to hide. His cheeks also blushed, which almost never happened to Rick. That look told me everything. I think I just saw a sign of the apocalypse, Rick was in love!
"Wait a second? Don't tell me that you are actually dating someone seriously?" He started to deny it, but I just continued. "You are. Oh my god, this is a miracle! Someone call the newspaper!"
After another fit of laughter Rick finally came clean. "Yeah, so sue me, I am. Just don't tell Mom. She would be way too satisfied with this news. I am dating Lisa Tilton, you remember."
"You are dating Lisa?" I interrupted. "Wow she is awesome. How in hell did you land her? I thought she had more sense."
"Thanks for the confidence, bud." He punched me in the shoulder. "We were in class together and something just clicked. She is amazing. I am not sure how I got her, but I am not complaining."
I smiled at him. "That rocks. I am so proud of
you. I always suspected that a nice girl would finally domesticate you."
"Fuck you, that's what Mom always has said. Lisa wants to meet her. I am not sure how to do that."
"Ah just do it. You Mom will love her."
"Yeah she would and she also will never let me live it down. I mean yeah it would be in a good way, but next thing you know she will expect me to focus in school. It will be a never ending cycle until I am married with kids, a good job, and a happy life! It would be all madness!"
"I can see how horrible that would be," I almost rolled out of my chair laughing. "Damn, I wish I had your problems. Just be happy."
"Don't worry about that, I am. I'm glad I finally got to tell you. I needed to share it with someone and well I knew I would be made fun of about it from everyone. At least with you, I knew I could give back as much as you give me. Besides it makes it feel more real to tell you."
I paused for a minute and then I know I had the biggest smile. "I just realized something. She had to tried to date me in Middle School. It is like you are dating my scraps. Wow who would have thought that? You always said it was the other way around."
"Screw you," He laughed. "You never actually went on a date, so she doesn't count. Also I think there is a rule somewhere that says that any date with a girl for you would not count, on account of them not being guys. Now if you dated a guy and then I tried dating him, well lets not even think about that. That is one rule that is safe from being broken."
We both laughed about that. It was good to hear Rick's escapades again. There was something comforting about it. I used to say it was because some things never changed. Now I could not ever say that again. Rick chasing every new girl was the one pillar I expected never to change. He had. Still it was a great change. His happiness was plain and I was overjoyed for him. The stars had vanished as he spoke about her. It made me think on how much light Lisa brought to him and chased the other lights of his old girls he used to date away. It was a nice metaphor to think about.
"So are you seeing anyone," Rick finally
switched the conversation after going on about Lisa for thirty minutes. "I mean a hot stud like you must have found a guy at Burke?"
It was my turn to give a stupid grin. "No I
did not find anyone at Burke to date." I said as straight as I could.
"You lie, I can see it!"
"No, no I am not, but yes there is someone I guess I am interested in. He actually is here."
"Here?" Rick looked perplexed. "You have not
been coming in town without letting us know?"
"No, not that, when I got to town two days ago I ran into him in the hospital. He was staying at the hospital. He saw me in the hall and we started talking. He seems like a good guy too."
"Fucking A, it is about time!" His excitement made me feel a little more uncomfortable and excited all at once. I really had come to the opinion that was a part of my life that I would always keep the door closed too. Now though I feel like just throwing it open and going for broke.
"Nothing is going on. We are friends. He has been through a rough time. Eric is in his senior year at good old Tate High and it has made my last two years look like I was the most popular guy in the school."
"Is it really that bad?" Rick looked at me concerned. I could see a little bit of anger behind that look too. My experience had made him be damn near a zealot in fighting bigotry. He had fought many fights in high school defending me. Almost all I never heard about until after it happened. That way I could not talk him out of it.
"It is worse then bad. According to Mr.
Culpepper, he had the shit beaten out of him because he was gay. They almost killed him. Seeing him in the hospital, I know that was the truth."
"Jesus," Rick muttered under his breath. "They at least arrested the bastards didn't they?"
"Nope, from my understanding no charges were ever filed. I think Eric was too scared to come forward. I can't say I blame him. This town has not been all that open armed to gays. If it happened to me, I don't think I could have done anything different."
"Well that shouldn't change any chance for you and him. It just means that he may need you more."
Rick was always one to be reassuring. "Yeah maybe, I don't know. I guess that I am just afraid that I'm still to broken for him. It has been four years, and all I have done has been running away from my problems. Can I help him with his when I can't deal with my own? I just don't know."
"Ah you can, just be confident. You know while you may have always had your problems, I don't think you have ever let anyone down that cared for you." I started to say something, but Rick beat me before I could get a word out of my mouth. "Don't even say your Father either. If someone can't love you for being who you are, well then there is nothing you can do. You did not let him down, he let you down. Besides, seeing you right now, I can tell that you have done better then you are giving yourself credit for."
"I know, I really do but it just does not
feel like that sometimes. Still I have not always been successful. Thanks though for the vote of confidence. I guess we will see. I am not going to expect more to happen, but I guess I'm leaving the option open. That is something right?"
"It is, it really is. I know it. That is the
first step. That is the way it starts.then of course you get to meet the in-laws."
"Oh don't say that. I actually met his Mom earlier tonight and I'm having dinner at his house on Sunday with them," I know that I looked totally pathetic, Rick just laughed.
"Wow, you do move quickly. I didn't meet Lisa's Mom for like two weeks after we started dating!"
We sat out there on the porch until eight
talking. We had lost all notice of time going by. It all seemed like old times again. Well better then that. The only reason our spell of talking was broken was that of Mrs. Cross coming out asking what was going on. She gave us the mock look that said she thought mischief was afoot. She knew that we had obviously been sitting out here for awhile talking. There also was a look at pride when she looked at us. She then dragged us inside to help with breakfast. It was a hell of a good way to start the day. I felt like I was home.
At ten o'clock, my Mother called over and asked when I was bringing Patrick home. She was worried and she wanted to go to the hospital. She said that she was not comfortable leaving until he was home. Thankfully Patrick had woken up at nine from the smell of a home cooked breakfast. I told her that we would be there around eleven. I figured that would give Patrick enough time to get ready, plus I needed to figure out what I was going to say. The hope was that I could avoid an argument, but just the same I was preparing myself to face one.
Ten minutes until eleven we started walking down to our house, well I guess Patrick's house. It had not been mine for a long time. It was then that I realized that this was the first time in almost four years that I was about to be back to it. Until that moment, I had not thought about that. I had not prepared for that. My stomach felt like it was clenching up at just the thought of seeing it again. I could not even drive by the house without feeling the mild strings of a panic attack. When I was in high school the last two years, I had taken the long way around to school as often as I could to avoid it. Now though I was walking up to it. Even worse I was going to be going into it. It just felt wrong. I felt wrong.
As we walked Patrick did not say anything. I am not sure if it is because he could sense that I did not want to talk or that he also was lost in thought. I suspected it was a mixture of both. I could feel his dread just as I felt mine. Patrick had to feel the same way at the moment with what had happened yesterday. We both just realized that this was one time that being quiet was the better way. Part of me wondered that if the other was not there, would either of us still be walking there or running the opposite way? I suspected that latter was true. By ourselves, we were weak, but together we were strong.
The house had not changed much over the last four years. Actually it looked exactly the same. It was a modest two story red brick building with a two car garage attached to it. Each of the windows had dark green shutters that were only ornamental. The house looked in perfect condition as was normal. The lawn was cut immaculately and was a bright shade of healthy green that was cut in a checkerboard pattern. It was something that my Father took pride in, just like the bushes were perfectly cut. It was part of the package of the fa‡ade of being the all American family. Along the front of the house was a row of bushes that looked perfectly square. So square they seemed stackable. Over the garage was the basketball hoop that my Father had put up when I was only five. All sports were as good as the others as long as we were good at them. As we got to the front door, even the mat that said welcome was still there, but I did not feel welcome.
I stopped at the door. I was not sure what to do. Should I push the doorbell or just walk in. I hadn't thought about that until I actually arrived here. My pondering was mercifully broken as Patrick just walked by and opened the door. He held the door open waiting for me to walk in. That first step felt like the hardest step I may have taken since I took my first step in life. My foot felt like is weighed a thousand pounds. It felt like a force of will to move it, but once it moved once, the other one followed with no more issues. The act of the first step had completed my resolve. There was no turning back now.
At first the inside of the house seemed like the exact same place as I left it. The floors were hardwood and the house looked like a clean room with as detailed my Mom had always been with the housework. There was not dirt or dust that could hid from her. The walls in the entry way and the hallway that lead into the house was a light brown wood that matched the floors well. The bronze coat rack was in it normal place even with my Dad's coat on it. It was just like four years ago. Not everything was the same and that was the blow that really hurt. The pictures were different.
The hallway that leads to the living room and the kitchen area was always covered in pictures. My Mom always said she wanted her family to always welcome every guest that came to the house, even when they were not here. Every year the new school picture went up and of course there was the plethora of sports pictures. What was different was that I was gone. Every picture they had put up of me was no longer up. Instead there were more pictures of Patrick in their place and even some more of Elaine and her husband, Charlie. Even in pictures he looked uncomfortable standing beside her. I guess it should not have surprised me, but it is something I never thought about. I guess I really wasn't part of the family. For the first time, this place felt dead to me. The urge to get the hell out was strong, but I needed to be there for Patrick. There was no breaking the resolve.
My thoughts were broken by my Mom rushing
into the hallway. She grabbed Patrick and held him tight. Patrick looked uncomfortable in her embraced. At that moment I did sort of envy Patrick. I really wanted to be in that embrace.
My Mom looked worse then when I saw her at
the hospital. She was wearing a nice floral dress that was full of bright colors and she had makeup on that helped bring out the beauty she had. Still it was all a cover. I could see through it easy. I don't think even Tammy Faye Baker makeup could have hid the bags under her eyes. The eyes themselves looked drawn and tired. It was obvious that she was not sleeping well. I was not surprised. She always said that since the day she was married, she had never slept apart from my father. It would be hard to be in that bed by herself. She looked like she had not been eating real well either. For a moment the urge was to get her in the kitchen and look at her, I mean she was my Mom, no matter what happen. She did not give a chance to go with those urges though.
"Patrick, thank god you are home," She wept a little. "I was so worried about you. I knew that once you were here everything would be better. I knew that you were better then your brother and you would come back home. Thank god."
"Mom, I am here because of Justin," Patrick pulled back and said before I had a chance to say anything. "I wasn't going to come back here."
"Don't say that. You are just confused. I know that things the last few days have been stressful, but it will get better trust me. You have to be strong for you Father. Everything will be fine though."
"A few days, no they have been stressful for over four years now."
"Well I admit since Justin made his
decision it." "Bullshit it is not a
decision, he is gay," Patrick started to yell. I guess he was holding in more then I thought. "Dad was wrong! He is the cause of this. He is the one that broke this family."
"Don't say that. He loves you. You have always been a good son and him a good father," My Mom pleaded as she began to cry.
Patrick started to say something, but I intervene. "That is enough Patrick," I said rather sternly. I had not expected to be the calm one. "This is not doing any good. Bringing up the past at this moment helps nothing."
"Yes, listen to Justin. Just come back home and stay, Patrick."
"Mom, it is not that easy either," she was taken aback by my comment. "There is some things that have to change. First of all, Elaine cannot be around Patrick all the time right now."
"She is his sister."
"Fuck her," Patrick yelled.
"Enough," I gave Patrick a look that calmed him and made him feel a little ashamed of the outburst. It seems that once he opened his anger up it was not as easy to contain again. "She maybe our sister, but she has only added to the stress. You know it is true. That is one of the reasons that growing up that you never had her take care of us. If Patrick is to stay home then he needs to feel comfortable."
She looked at me for a moment and back to Patrick. I could see the fear in her eyes. She was afraid that she was about to lose her last son. "Ok, I will talk to her. Patrick can't avoid her all the time, but I guess no more time alone."
"Well that is a start. Also if Patrick feels up too it, he needs to be allowed to go to the hospital. He has a right to see his Father."
"He doesn't need that stress and worries. He should not see him while he is weak, when he is better then yes."
"No, Patrick is an adult. He is about to graduate high school. He will know when he feels up for it. Plus we both know that Father is not getting better."
"Don't say that," She almost snarled. "He will get better. How can you say that? You don't deserve to use the word Father for those thoughts and being such a horrible son."
Patrick started to say something, but I kept control of the conversation. If she was going to be mad, I had decided it should be on me. It always was anyway. It would be better for Patrick.
"No, I can see it with my own eyes," I kept my voice steady and calm. "You are right he is not my father. I can accept that. He is Patrick's though. He has the right to see him. You may want to keep him safe by keeping him away, but all it is doing is isolating him and pushing him away."
My Mom seemed to take a few deep breaths and
finally responded. "Ok, I will agree to that too. Are there any more.terms," she spit out the last word.
"No, I think that will be fine. Don't lose this
son."
She was about to say something, but Patrick interrupted. "I have a term. Justin is allowed here whenever he wants. He is part of the family. He is my brother and should be welcomed here."
"Patrick no," I started to say. "It is not right," My Mom interrupted. "You know
your Father does not want him here."
"Well he is not here now. I need him and he needs me." Patrick could be forceful when he wanted to. He had our Father's ability of being stubborn.
"Don't worry, it's ok," I said. I felt touched, but there were limits I had accepted long ago and that was on of them. "I am fine."
"No, it is not. He is able to come and go as he wants, otherwise I am gone. If you won't let me go stay with the Cross's I will find somewhere else. This is non negotiable."
Patrick stared at my mother. His
determination was fierce. Mom and I both realized that he was not lying. He would follow through with his threat. That much was true. Finally she relented. "Fine.but only until your Father is better. Once he comes home it goes back to normal."
"Agreed," Patrick replied. I could tell
that he knew that would never happen. He had accepted like I have that Dad was going to die in that hospital.
Mom started to pull Patrick into the kitchen to
feed him. I could see Patrick wanted me to stay, but I could not stay. The coldness from my mother was hard. I told Patrick I would talk to him later. Mom of course said nothing too me. She just sort of glared at me. I was not sure if she blamed me for Patrick's outburst or not, but I could tell that I was the best target at the moment for her anger.
Once out of the house, I sprinted back to the Cross's, no I sprinted home. I could not be around that house any longer. Today felt to damn stressful, and it wasn't even noon yet. Still I felt proud of my brother and there was something about being at my old home again.
Eric sat in his bedroom bored. His Mother had just checked in on him for like the billionth time this morning. She was more nervous then she was before she went to work yesterday. He knew that his leaving last night had only put her in hyper Mothering mode. Eric hated it, but he also knew that she needed it. It was part of her mechanism not to breakdown about the beating. He knew his father and her both felt guilty because they had moved him here. Eric did not blame them. He just wanted things to be back to normal at home.
He felt even more appreciative of his Mother.
She had been true to her word and issued no punishment. Of course maybe all the extra attention was punishment. The embarrassment was bad, but in a way he was happy that she had caught them in the driveway. She seemed pleased with Justin and comfortable with him being around. That was important to Eric. He also had to admit that he was excited that Justin would be over tomorrow for dinner. If it had been anyone else but his Mother, he felt sure that Justin would have declined, but his Mom was not accustomed to people declining things. She was a professor through and through.
More then anything this morning Eric really wanted to call Justin. Three times this morning he had reached for the phone, but he felt a little afraid to call him. He kept using the excuse that it was too early. Justin probably was a late riser and after last night he felt sure that even if he wasn't he would be today. Eric normally would have been too, but there was too much excitement to sleep. Last night he could not sleep at all. All he could do was think about Justin. Eric knew deep down that he could trust him. Justin was going to be the silver lining of coming to Tate. He had to be.
That feeling made him more hesitant to call. He did not want to be too pushy or smothering. Patience was what he kept saying. Worst case scenario he saw him tomorrow. Still patience was not something he was good at. The proof of that was when he was eleven and figured out how to unwrap Christmas gifts to see what they were while they sat under the tree. That year he knew everything he was going to get for Christmas two weeks before the day of unwrapping. This was different though. He felt he had no choice. Now time seem to tick ever so slow.
Eric was about to reach for the phone for the
fifth time when his Mom poked her head in the room. "Eric, you have visitors."
Eric sat up excited expecting to see Justin. The disappointment must have shown clearly when Rebecca and Sandra walked in. "It is good to see you too." Rebecca sarcastically said.
Rebecca and Sandra had been his only two friends at Tate High. Rebecca was a girl that was a little overweight. She was not really fat, but all her life the kids at school had given her a hard time. The last couple of years she had actually lost some weight. She had long curly red hair that seemed to gleam in the light. She had light brown eyes that would dazzle when she smiled. If it had not been for all the teasing growing up she probably would have a boyfriend. The teasing though had created a social stigma for her in school. She might have broken that, but she just closed off that aspect of her life. She focused on approval of her teachers and adults. The kind soul she was even spent several hours a week donating time at the retirement home keeping the elderly company. When people started picking on Eric, she had rushed to his side.
Sandra had come along with Rebecca. They had been neighbors all of their lives. Close friends to the bitter end. She had gone through many phases in life. Right now she was coming out of a Goth phase. She had short black hair with a bleached white streak that fell along her lift side of her face. She was rather short, five foot four or something like that. In comparison to Rebecca she looked like she never ate. Kids had made jokes that Rebecca would steal all of Sandra's food. If Eric didn't know Sandra, he would have suspected that she did have an eating disorder, she was that thin. Unlike Rebecca, she had dated a few guys, but last year before the Goth phase, there was a sort of a phase where she did like three different guys in a short period. She had just wanted to be accepted by more popular guys in school, instead they had labeled her as slut. Everyone in the school had started talking about her. That was what led to the Goth phase.
They both were great friends. Eric would joke that they were the misery trio. Rebecca would correct him and say that she was happy, but Sandra and Eric both knew that was only a cover. She was just as miserable as they were. Her fa‡ade was far better. She could look happy, but spending real time with her, you could see the sadness always around the edges. Still, they had been good to be around. They gave each other strength. It made school feel a little less full of misery. Together they could sometimes even forget about it altogether.
"So how are you doing," Sandra said as she sat
on the bed. "You are at least looking better."
"Yeah, you are looking a lot better," Rebecca added. "I am glad you got out of the hospital, it gave me the creeps. There never seems to be anything good there."
"I am sorry for the disappointed look," Eric smiled. "I am glad to see you. I was just hoping it was someone else. Sometimes you do find something good at the hospital."
"Did you find yourself a doctor there,"
Rebecca playfully jabbed. "I knew they were all gay there. All the good ones are."
"Yes dear Eric, please tell us more," Sandra pulled him between Rebecca and her. It was like being corner by to interrogators. Escape would have been useless. Honestly though, Eric wanted to talk about it. He had always been able to talk about his past boyfriends to them, but never a current one, well current hopeful.
"Well, he's not a doctor, I mean, eww, he would
be so damn old if he was." I gave a sour look.
"No he could be like one of those genius ones, you know like Doogie Howser," Rebecca sighed. "Oh how I loved him when I was like seven. He was so dreamy. Even older he is still cute."
"You know he is gay right," Sandra broke Rebecca's not so innocent thoughts.
"Damn, all the good one are. Are you sure though, that could be just gossip."
"Oh he is," Eric laughed. "Even before he came
out he rang out a nine on my gaydar."
"Anyway, tell us about this guy you got," Sandra refocused to conversation. "We want to hear everything about him."
"Well we are not exactly going out," Eric replied a little shyly. "I hope so and there is definitely potential. He is the only other gay I have met in this god forsaken town. More then that though, he is funny and smart and so damn cute. Oh you both would die at his looks."
"Well, Sandra, I do believe our little Eric is smitten."
"Yes it appears," Sandra did a mock sniff. "They seem to grow up so fast. You take care of them and hope they will grow up to go to college and find themselves a good husband. Instead they just find the first man they see and jump their bones." That brought laughter from everyone in the room.
Eric even blushed a little bit. Still it did not take much prodding for him to talk about everything. He went through all the hospital visits and him coming over yesterday. He didn't leave anything out for them. He told them about Justin running out and the drive in the car. Both girls were excited for him. They had not seen him this excited since the whole time that they knew him. He had a glow that they had never seen. It was infectious.
"I am sure it will work out for you," Rebecca confidently said. "He may have issues, but everyone does. Besides, he would be a fool to pass up a chance with you. You are the sweetest guy in school, straight or gay."
"I think so," Eric nodded. When he had been in
the east, he always had such strong confidence. It was the first time in a long time that he felt it again. "I don't think it will come easy, but anything worth having never is. Justin just needs a little help I think, and I am good at that."
"So when do we get to meet him," Rebecca
asked mischievously. "We need to give the ok for you
to date him." "Yes we need to meet him,"
Sandra jumped in. "I mean we just can't let our little Eric go out with anyone. We have to make sure that he is good enough for you and that he only has honorable intentions to you. We don't want you knocked up by a one night stand."
Both girls laughed again. This was far better then either of them could imagine. They had come over expecting to check up on Eric and work to make him in a better mood. After the attack, they thought for sure that while he may act like everything was ok that he would be a wreck underneath. It looked like that was far from the case. He seemed like he was better then ever. Being the misery trio, they all were brought up when one had something go well. They all felt like they were walking on air.
The afternoon seemed to move by rather quickly
for me after I left the place I used to call home. When I got back home, Mrs. Cross was about to go out shopping. That was something she did every Saturday. She loved to go out and try to find the deal. She asked if I wanted to go out with her and that we could get lunch. I almost took her up on the offer but I figured I would try to take a nap. It was not like I was feeling tired, but I did not want to just run out of energy in case I needed it. There was something nagging that I felt I needed to do, but I could not figure it out. Whatever it was I figured I would need energy for it. As per normal she was understanding and told me that Rick already had crashed. She would not expect him to get up before dinner.
After she left the house, I laid down, but not surprisingly sleep did not come. I just was too wired. After twenty minutes of lying in my bed I finally got up and started to call Justin. Before I completed dialing, I sat the phone down. The urge was strong to talk to him, but I did not want to seem too excited. I did not want to scare him off, besides I was not sure what to say. These feelings were still something new to me.
Thankfully I did not have to wait all afternoon to talk to him. Around three he called me. His voice brought back that stupid grin. We talked for about thirty minutes. None of it was about anything important, except that I would meet him at his house tomorrow at around noon. He said I would need a few hours of preparation to get comfortable before spending a meal with his parents. He did not want me to be traumatized by the experience. Besides he still owed me more of an ass whooping in Halo. I was nervous but also so damn excited at the thought of going over there tomorrow. I came close to asking if he wanted to do anything tonight, but I talked myself out of it. Patience that was what I needed. It was supposed to make everything better if you wait for it right? The longer the wait, the sweeter the reward as the saying goes.
I finally got off the phone when I heard Mrs.
Cross come through the door. I figured that she would need help carrying stuff in the house. Besides I did not really want to be caught on the phone talking to Eric. It was not that I was embarrassed of him, just the stupid grin I had when I talked to him. Knowing myself, I suspected if someone looked at me at that point, it would only get worse.
Mrs. Cross did not make me a liar either. She had a car full of stuff. Shopping was one of her addictions. She always said she was thankful that she made enough that it did not hurt anything. When she got stuff she always was so excited about sharing what she got with anyone that would listen. The part she liked to really share was if she got any really good deal. That was the part of the shopping game that she loved.
I expected her to share what she got, but I was dumbfounded by a lot of it. Most of the stuff was not for her, but me. She said that since I was wearing Rick's stuff that must mean I needed some new clothes in my wardrobe. I tried to deny it, but she knew that I did not spend much to update my wardrobe. All my clothes pretty much were the same that I had in high school or what she sent me for my birthday or Christmas. There was no saying no to her. She knew my size to a tee. Her fashion sense too was ever good. They were not as trendy as Rick would normally wear, but they were far more in style then my normal clothes. On top of that, she got me something that blew my mind away. She had went out and got me a cellular phone. I tried to get her to take it back by telling her that I was going to get my own, but she would not hear it. It would be cheaper for me to be on the family plan with them. It was as good a bargain as she could find today. Even though I fought it a little bit, I had to admit I liked the sound of being on a family plan.
By five Rick still had not gotten up. I was not surprise. I knew that Mrs. Cross would start supper soon, but I felt I needed to go somewhere. I finally came to the realization of what I had to do. I let Mrs. Cross know that I was going out, but I would be back soon. She did not question me. She trusted me.
Fifteen minutes later I was back in the hospital parking lot. I was not sure why I was here again, it just felt right. There was a worry when I got there that I would be imbrued in another fight, but luck was with me. A nurse said that my Mother had left with my sister for dinner. I figured I had a little time and that was all I was asking for.
As I walked into my Father's room, things had not changed. He was still hooked up to all of the machines and looked like he was dead for all intent and purposes. The only noises were that of the breathing machine. There were some flowers from his work and apparently from my Sisters church. I could see some personal effect that Mom had brought here. There was a picture of Patrick and them beside the bed. There was a bible and a cross also sitting on the table that was evidence that my sister was coming and going. I was sure that she was doing a lot of reading to him. If my Father was awake he would have hated that. Never a religious man he was.
"Hey Dad how goes it," I said as I took the chair beside the bed. "I know if you were awake you would hate me visiting, but I guess I feel like I need to do it."
I stared at him and remembered all the good
times. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. "I was at the house today. To be honest I never expected to do that again. The lawn looks as good as always. I am sure the neighbors still hate you for that." It was harder to talk this afternoon then it was
two nights ago. Then I had been empowered with my passion, now though I felt like I was just visiting. It was awkward. I didn't know what I was doing it. I guess it is part of being the dutiful son, or maybe no matter how much I acted like it didn't matter, it did. He was my father for better or worse. At least in the end I could try to make peace, even if he never did with me.
"I know that you are not proud of me. I don't know why that should matter to me, but it still does. Maybe it is because you did not really know me or tried to know me. Maybe because you are just an old bigoted bastard you don't. You know if you had tried to understand, I think that maybe you would have been surprised. You thought me weak, but you know I think I was stronger then you ever imagined. Some of that I took from you. I owe you that much."
"I have made mistakes in life, but I have tried to own up to them. When did you do that? Just look at what you have done to Patrick. He deserved to have a happy four years of high school, but instead it has been miserable. You hit him. What kind of Father does that? Did you ever feel sorry for doing that? Did you ever give it a second thought or did you just black it out like you did me?"
I sat back in the chair and just looked at the
man I once loved and feared. It was weird to see him in such a condition. I pitied him. He would have hated me to feel sorry for him. Some would say that he deserved what he was getting. No matter what he had done though, I could not feel like that. No one deserved that. I knew that my Mom had spent numerous hours here keeping him company. I had to give her respect for that. That was something I do not think I could do. Of course she loved him with everything. He was her world. He had ceased being my world when I left home. False, he still was, but instead of being my light, he was my devil. Looking at him now, I it made me want to forget about all the things he had done. In the end I just wanted to think of him as my father.
"I know that you are not going to get back up again, but there is a part of me that wishes you would, even if you would tell me how much of a crappy person I am. These last few days everything in my world has been shaken. A lot of it has been for the good. Even though you would not like that, I guess I would like you to see that I am becoming happy. Maybe then you would realize what you have missed. If not that, then at least I would have the satisfaction of knowing that I beat you and you knew. You lying there though make it a hollow victory."
"Anyway, I guess I am here for you. I won't abandon you the way you did me. I did learn some things. I learned I was better then you. I am here until the end." I sat back in the chair. The running really was over.