Reunion at Forty-eight--section 8 By Ezra Randle Several Months Later
"Would like to see you. Let's try for 5:00. Ben"
Two days later, Dan stretched out in his motel room after sitting all day at his conference. He was very surprised by Ben's unexpected email, not knowing when or even if they would see each other again. Now that he'd seen Leonard six times over a span of two months, he wasn't sure he even missed Ben. The image of Ben was no longer present when he and Leonard were naked under the sheets. Though it was quite common, on his drive back to Monroe from Leonard's home that Ben was with him, sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Ben would ask him about Leonard and seemed almost gleeful when Dan described what had just happened that night. Dan would willingly tell him, and Ben inevitably would ask, "Do you have strong feelings about him?"
Dan would hem and haw a bit, though as each visit took place, it was easier to answer the question. "Yes. I like him quite a bit. He's not you, Ben, and I don't have the same feelings. But he's less complicated than you are, and it's less complicated being with him in some ways."
Ben was mostly silent as he heard Dan's changing responses to this question. He seemed to acknowledge that he couldn't expect anything more or less from Dan. Ben seemed to enjoy asking Dan, "So, this thing, this desire for men, that's a real part of you? Not something you're grappling with, like it is for me?"
"Ben, I'm discovering how important it is to me. So far, all I can say, is that the physical part for sure is a part of my desires. I'm not leaving my family for it. And I'd eagerly get naked with you in an instant, if you wanted me again. But I don't think you do."
The variations of that question and answer usually ended the chat. It was a bittersweet conversation for Dan. Knowing that it was quite likely he'd never make love with Ben again. And unsure what kind of friendship would be left after Ben emerged from his grief.
A light knocking interrupted his reveries and when he opened the door and saw Ben holding a six-pack, he didn't know how to greet him. After a few awkward seconds, they embraced but quickly and uncertainly, unlike the embraces of the most recent meetings in the motels. "Good to see you, Ben."
"Yeah. Been a while to say the least."
"The wake was the last time. Can't even imagine what those days were like for you," Dan said.
"I'm still trying to forget about them, like I wrote to you. And it's still very difficult."
"Want to sit?"
"Yeah."
"I appreciated your emails. Wish you had sent more of them," Dan said.
Ben looked at him, smiling slightly. "You didn't mind me wallowing in my grief?"
"You were honest. That's why I wished you sent more, so I knew what was going on with you."
"It was easier turning it into a guessing game."
"Still seeing Alex Crowe?"
"Yeah. Not as often. Once every two or three weeks."
"That mean things are better?" Dan asked.
"In most respects anyway."
"I'm really glad to hear it."
Ben ripped a can of Leinies from the six-pack. "Please join me for a beer."
"Sure."
Dan pushed the conversation to what he thought would be safe terrain. "How's your work going?"
"Good. They've been very kind to me and very flexible. I still need a day off about every three weeks. No questions asked."
"What do you do on the days off?"
"Think too much. Sometimes I go to the fitness club, but I mostly sit in the hot tub rather than work out. It's going on a year and I still can't get started again. I'm just holding on. My grip's firmer, but I'm still clinging to the caboose."
"Is there anything good?"
"My kids have been very good to me. But after they came for Christmas, I told them they didn't need to visit me anymore. I'd come to their homes for the next year. I need them to stay away more so I can try to figure this thing out. They were hurt, but Annie convinced them I wasn't nuts. One of them calls every day, like they have a schedule. Sometimes I pick up, sometimes I don't. I don't really respond to emails either." He smiled. "You know about that."
He drank several swigs of beer, not knowing of another safe direction. Ben rescued him. "Thanks again for the tip about Alex--he's been the best thing to happen to me. Getting past this is the hardest thing I've ever been through. And it's so damn funny because I was doing OK in her last year. Compartmentalizing like crazy. Even seeing you and not feeling guilty. But after she died, the walls just crashed."
Ben reached for another beer and offered him one but he declined. "Alex is helping me rebuild the walls. I've got some fucking optimism again."
"I know it's trite to say that time heals, but there is some truth."
"I'm not used to letting time fix anything. I want to make things work right now."
Neither one of them said a word for a minute. He waited for Ben, thinking he needed to talk more about making things work. Finally, Dan said, "About tonight. I don't have any expectations. I just wanted to see you. To chat about the easy stuff. No fighting the demons. I promise."
Ben laughed, "Thanks. I know that's probably not the full truth, but I appreciate the thought anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"It's been well over a year since we made love in some real way. I'll be honest, those nights we got naked were very good for me. Had to be good for you, too. Then everything was interrupted by her death. I've gone through what most people would consider a suitable grieving period. You're probably thinking we could get back at it. Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you want more of what we had that night?"
He nodded. "Everything's changed from your end. It doesn't matter what my desires might be. And I'm not sure what they are, to be truthful. I just want to renew our friendship," Dan said.
Ben reacted in stony silence. "You still have thoughts you killed her by being with me?" Dan asked.
"I'd worked through that pretty well before she died. My latest battle with guilt is that I should have told her about us. Been completely honest. But that would have been so selfish of me in her last months."
"Are you getting past that?"
"Mostly. Danny, you ever been in therapy?"
"No."
"I've got to confess, while it's not much fun, there is a sort of an addictive quality about it."
"How so?"
"Once the conversation starts, you know, about all the shit that's inside me, it's hard to know when to stop and distinguish between the garbage I don't need to gush over and the important stuff that might help me figure out the true source of my sorrow."
"Is it more than just Ellie dying?"
"It's all about that, but it's also lots more because she affected so much of my life for the past quarter century. You know how long that is? A fucking generation. Then throw on a few more years of courtship. Sometimes I can't remember any other parts of my life other than the years I was with her."
Dan didn't want to say a thing, though he had many questions he could have asked. If Ben's intention was to start diving into the darker waters, he wasn't going to pull him under.
"Guess what Alex and I have been talking about for the last few sessions?" Ben said.
"You tell me."
"My libido."
Ben laughed as he guzzled the beer, "Willy's still in hibernation. I hope to God it's not permanent, but it feels like it is. I never get an erection. Can't even jack off properly. I'm like a fucking eunuch. Maybe Ellie's castrating me from her grave. Part of it might be side effects from the anti-depressants I've been taking. But even before that, my sex drive was shrunk to nothing." He laughed again. "But you did bring me out of that the last time we met. Remember?"
"Very well. As I said, I'm not really expecting anything this time."
"That's good planning."
"You want to get something to eat instead?"
"No. I'm here, despite everything I've just said, because I want to try to be what we used to be. Maybe you and me, trying something, will lead my libido out of the funk it's in. That OK with you?"
"Sure. But I'm going to let you lead the way this time."
"Can I suggest something?" Ben said.
"Yeah."
"Can we just lie down, with our clothes on?"
"That would be great. Let me know if you want a massage," Dan said.
"Maybe later. I appreciate the offer. I remember the touch of your hands very well."
They took off their shoes and Dan stretched out on the bed. Ben sat on the edge, seemingly paralyzed, so he reached up and pressed his fingers into his shoulders. He could feel Ben relax as he leaned back and stretched out next to him. The embrace was gradual. Dan didn't get aroused--knew he shouldn't. Ben closed his eyes and held him. "Danny, I've wanted someone to comfort me like this for months. Ever since Ellie died."
"Could you hold her much in her last months?"
"From the time she learned she had to have the biopsy, over two years ago, we never had sex again. I mean absolutely. But we got closer physically than we'd ever been in some ways. We would often stretch out in bed and she would turn her back to me and I'd turn toward her, you know, in spooning position. Sometimes it would be in the middle of the afternoon and we'd be completely clothed...like we are. A lot of the times it was when we'd go to bed. Before the cancer, I always slept naked with her even though she didn't always like to. But I started wearing pajamas or boxers. And I would just hold her until she stopped crying or went to sleep. I'd massage her back or lightly rub her belly and thighs. I wanted to make her feel like a woman even though she couldn't make love. When the pain got bad, I still held her. The last time was about two months before she died, just before hospice came in. Then she got too frail and was in so much pain. We had her in the hospital bed in the living room and all I could do was hold her hand and comfort her with my voice."
He half expected Ben to cry as he had done in the meetings before her death, but he continued, as though he was detached from his words. Ben rolled onto his back and gestured with his hands as he continued. "And I never got hard with her whenever I comforted her. Never even thought about it or thought I should. I was loving her so deeply anyway. It was kind of like after you have sex in the afternoon and you don't go to sleep but keep on holding your lover and loving her in the afterglow. That went on for nearly two years."
He didn't say anything as he propped himself on his elbow watching Ben's expressions, soaking in the love he still had for Ellie. "Sometimes she said she was sorry."
"For getting cancer?"
"That, too. But what she usually apologized for was that she couldn't have sex or didn't want to even when maybe it wouldn't have been so painful. There was a stretch of time when all the treatments were over but before the cancer came back when I thought she might want to have me again. There she was, sick with cancer or recovering from chemo or even knowing she was going to die and she was sorry I wasn't getting off. And I was, sometimes, with you. But that was different."
Ben rolled onto his side facing away from Dan. After several minutes, Dan lightly touched his shoulder. "You OK?"
"Yeah. Feels good talking about it."
"Still want me to hold you?" Dan said.
"Very much."
"You sure?"
Ben reached back and guided Dan's hand back over his belly. "I held her one last time right after she died. I was alone with her when the shallow breaths stopped. It was about three in the morning and I had been in and out of a light doze, sitting in a chair next to the bed. I just happened to look up and saw her gasp a bit, then...just like that, she stopped. I felt her pulse and listened for her breaths for a few minutes. Annie was upstairs sleeping, but before I went up to get her, I lifted Ellie up and held her one last time. It was like lifting one of the girls when they were eight or nine and had fallen asleep on the couch. I couldn't even cry. She was so light, Danny... reduced to so little."
He felt Ben release his hand so he let his arm drape over Ben's chest, as he pulled himself in close to his backside. "Danny, don't ever underestimate the pleasure you get from your wife, even if it doesn't seem like the greatest sex you've had with her or even close to it. `Cause when it's gone...man, I can't tell you what it's like."
He stopped talking and clasped Dan's hand again. After a few more minutes, he could feel Ben's deeper breathing settle into his chest and abdomen. "I've been sleeping for shit. For almost two years. Don't ever underestimate what good sleep means to you either. Sometimes I think it feels better than good sex. If I go under, wake me up in a half hour. OK?"
"Yeah."
He felt the pre-sleep twitching in Ben's legs and arms that he had come to know over the past few years, then heard his gentle snoring. He tried to pull his hand from Ben's fingers, but Ben was clutching him tightly, so he let himself relax, and soon found himself slipping under as well. When he woke, the digital clock read 7:45 and he thought about waking Ben, but didn't have the heart. He had to get rid of the residue of the beer, however, so he slipped into the bathroom and pissed, sitting so he could be as quiet as possible. When he returned, Ben hadn't budged, so he took the extra blanket from the drawer and draped it over Ben, then slid in beside him again. When Ben finally began to rouse, he turned toward him and asked for the time. Dan looked up. "Five minutes to nine."
Ben laughed easily. "You're shitting me. Come on, what time?"
"That's it. You've been out for nearly three hours."
"Shit. Lucky I didn't have to go anywhere. What have you been doing during that time?"
"Just lying here."
"Thanks for staying, but, man, do I need to piss."
He scooted off the bed, and Dan turned the light on as he heard the splashing through the wall. A few minutes later, Ben came out and pulled on his shoes as Dan sat on the side of the bed. He stood up in front of Dan and said, "Get up a minute. I want to say goodbye."
He stood and Ben held him tightly. "I can't tell you what a great sleep that was. I feel so awake and restored, but I've got to go."
Then he let himself out. Dan sat back down, puzzled, amused, and gratified. Then he realized they hadn't kissed once during the entire evening.