His Life
"Ben, what are you doing?" I was furious that Ben would even consider doing anything with Josh, right in front of me!
He just smiled. "Having some fun like the others, but without forcing my cock on anyone."
"This is Josh, I suppose?"
"Oh yes, you haven't met. Rick, this is Josh. Josh, this is Rick, my best friend."
"Boyfriend." I corrected.
"Wait!" Josh said. "You said you didn't have a boyfriend two weeks ago."
"I didn't have a boyfriend two weeks ago!" Ben exclaimed, amused.
Josh looked at him, then at me. "Look, I don't want to get between you guys. I thought..."
"It's ok, Josh. Can you excuse us for a moment?" Ben smiled and motioned me to talk outside. I hated that he's not taking it seriously, as though sex was just a game to him.
"I've always fucked around, Rick. Why is it a problem now?"
"After what we had, all the lovemaking? You still want to fuck other guys?"
"Things with you are intense, Rick. I just want to have some fun on the side. Everyone is getting his cock sucked by a Bruin. Why can't I?"
"Would you do this to me if I were Jimmy?"
His smile was gone. "Don't do this, Rick."
"Do you have any idea what commitment is? Devotion? Relationship?"
He took a deep breath. "Every time I look at you I think of Jimmy. I just want one moment to get away from all this. We just fucking won the game and had our revenge. Do I not deserve a little something?"
"So you'll continue to fuck other guys and girls while you are with me? Is that how you want to continue this relationship?"
"Rick, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Can you not take everything so fucking seriously?"
"Sorry if I actually CARE about this relationship."
"And I don't?" He sighed. "Never mind. You've just sucked the fun out of it." And he just walked away, leaving me standing there, confused.
Was I overreacting? After all, I came up with this very plan in which we were to be sucked by the Bruins. He was only picking out Josh, since they messed around willingly. I didn't even know if Ben was going to fuck him, but knowing him, I knew he would, if given the chance. But still, everyone was getting his cock serviced, why not him?
Deep in my mind, I knew I was jealous. I wanted Ben all to myself. I couldn't bear seeing him with another guy, and especially not Josh, the guy who impaled himself on Ben. I didn't trust him. Was he going to take Ben away? Would they sneak behind my back and fuck?
On my way back to the dorms, I was angry, jealous and disappointed. Surely Ben should commit to our relationship by now, after all the lovemaking? Surely he should know better? I shook my head. There was no telling what he would do, given his insatiable appetite. Should I be understanding of that? I was so confused.
By the time I was back in our room, Ben was on his bed, slowly jerking himself. He didn't really look at me. "Wanna fuck?" He casually asked.
I was pissed. "I'm not your personal whore that you can fuck anytime, when you don't get a go with your fuck buddy! Go find your Josh!"
He just casually dialed a number and spoke on the phone, "Hey, Josh, sorry I had to leave in a hurry just now. Can you come over?"
I was fuming. "Fuck you, Ben! Why are you doing this?"
"Hey, you asked me to find him..."
"Fuck you!" I was so mad I lost it. "I thought you cared about this relationship! I thought you were learning to love me the way I love you! Is that how you repay me? By fucking every hole you can find? Why must you be such a slut? Why did you tell me all that Jimmy crap, how you save yourself for him, and then turn around and fuck everyone? How can you even face him, if he were standing here right now?"
He turned around and his expression changed. It was rage, unadulterated rage. "Do you know what it's like to have someone who means the world to you suddenly disappear? Do you know how it feels to hope for his return and be disappointed day after day? Do you know how many days I spent standing at the gates, waiting for him to come back? Do you know how it feels?"
He pointed to his chest. "It feels like a giant hand gripping my heart, squeezing it, crushing it, and smashing it into pieces."
He was hyperventilating and his eyes were red. "And you know what kept me sane? The only thing that could keep him away from my mind for a moment? It's what you call meaningless sex. That's how I coped. Sorry I disappoint you. But before you judge me, know this: if not for the sex, I would have gone out of my mind a long time ago. I would have fucking killed myself just to end the pain!"
I have not seen him so emotional, so vulnerable before. I suddenly understood that the sex was not meaningless at all; it's how he survived.
It took me some time to process his intensity. "Sorry, Ben, I didn't know. I was hoping, now that you have me, we can work this out and not have to use sex to cope like before."
He seemed to have softened a bit. "Whenever I'm with you, I feel guilty for betraying Jimmy. Whenever I'm with someone else, I feel guilty for betraying you. I'm doomed either way."
"Then may be it's time to let Jimmy go, after all these years."
He shook his head. "That's what everyone says, but you know what? The only evidence of his existence is here." He pointed to his heart again.
"His own dad raped him. He had no family. I was his brother, his only friend. And now that he's gone, everyone goes on happily with their lives. No one misses him. It's like he never existed. Sometimes I'm not even sure what he looks like anymore. I'm so scared that one day I would forget him, and... and a piece of me will be gone forever. He will be gone forever."
"So you are not ready to let go... and yet you are torturing yourself every day with the memory of him."
"Rick, I'm tired. I don't know if I can go on anymore."
"I'm here for you, Ben. You said it yourself. May be it was fate that we met. May be I'm here to replace Jimmy. We'll get over this... together."
I went up to hug him, but he felt limp. It's like his life has been zapped out of him. "I don't know if I can do this, Rick."
"We can."
"I should have ended this long ago." He mumbled, more to himself than me. It's like he didn't even hear what I said. "Thanks, Rick, you have been a true friend."
"What are you talking about?" He was scaring me.
"If it weren't for you, I would have given up a long time ago. But you stood by me, and made life bearable. Thanks."
"And I will continue to stand by you!"
"There's no point. There is no end to this. Let it end."
"What are you going to do? Kill yourself?"
"May be I can find a quiet place and just end it all. I don't think people will miss me."
"I will! Do you want me to suffer like you do with Jimmy?"
He looked at me with pity. "I'm sorry, Rick. I can't go on."
What really scared me was that he looked dead serious. Ever since I've known him, once he decided on something, no one can change his mind. It was at that point that I knew he would choose to die, unless I did something. I quickly considered my options, which were limited. There was only one thing I could think of that could possibly make a difference, and it had every chance to backfire, but it was the only plan I had. It's worth a try; nothing could possibly be worse than him dead.
I took a deep breath and said, "Ben, Jimmy chose to leave."
That seemed to get his attention. "What did you say?"
"He could have faced the consequences and went to prison or whatever facilities for his age. Given his circumstances, it would be a short sentence. He could have gotten out in a couple of years and be with you. But he chose to run, to avoid."
He was getting agitated. "Be careful. If you keep talking like that I'm not sure what will happen."
"Jimmy chose his own freedom over you, Ben."
"Rick, shut the fuck up now or I'll hurt you, I'm serious."
For my plan to work, I had to go through with it. I took another deep breath, and made the biggest gamble in my life. The wager was his life.
"He's a coward, and so are you. You both..."
I didn't get to finish the sentence. Ben leaped onto me and brought me down in a choke hold, one hand on my neck, the other grabbed my balls.
"Why won't you shut the fuck up?" He yelled. There was so much pain and anger.
I had to put up the act that I was serious about my accusations, but inside I was aching. "I'm doing this for you, Ben," I thought to myself, "to save your life. You'd understand in time."
I looked into his eyes. Despite being in rage, I knew he didn't want to hurt me. He was hyperventilating and his eyes were burning with anger. After what seemed like eternity, but were merely seconds, he relented and stormed out of the room. Before he disappeared, I heard him calling on his phone.
"Josh? Are you coming?" My neck was bruised and my balls still hurt, but I knew I saved his life, at least for now.