Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests at RipTide@YahooGroups.com. Copyright 2007
Chapter 14: into the deep
(Hayden's point of view)
I arrived at the gym at my usual time. Matt was already there, sitting on the bench in front of the entrance, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatshirt. He stood up when he saw me coming, and we got in. It was usual for both of us not to talk much this early. I wasn't a morning talker and thankfully, neither was Matt. I found that just one more of the qualities that made him such a desirable companion - we could talk for hours, and yet he had his quiet moments, just as I did.
After our usual stretching, we got onto the treadmills and started to warm up. Soon, we were running along, when I noticed that one of my shoelaces was coming undone. Not wanting to get entangled in it, I dismounted the treadmill. Matt shot a look at me over his shoulder, and seeing what I was doing, continued his jogging. I kneeled over and started to tie my sneaker, while looking around the gym. My fingers were still tying the shoelace, with a completely mechanical movement, when my eyes got a hold of something else.
A couple feet in front of me, still running on the treadmill, Matt was giving me a perfect sight of his legs and his round, firm butt as he was keeping his pace. Never before had I noticed that he had such a great ass! I guess the fact that he was wearing a pair of running shorts instead of jeans contributed toward that discovery, but, nevertheless, the sight of his round butt, covered with that silky material, was eye-catching. I was still kneeling behind him, hypnotized by the even pace that he was keeping. My eyes were still lingering on his whole backside and legs. Even while running, he was keeping his back straight, and his shoulders squared. For some reason, that was only making his butt look even more awe-inspiring. Even his leg muscles were giving me a show, dancing in front of me in a wonderful game of displaying and hiding his calf muscles as he was running in front of me.
I must have been kneeling down for a while, since he turned around, noticing that I was still off the treadmill.
"You okay?" he asked, running somewhat sideways.
"Yeah...yeah. Its just a damn shoelace." I mumbled and got back on the treadmill. It took me several minutes to get back into my rhythm, still having a perpetual image of Matt's butt dancing in front of me. Two solid globes of muscle, powering his stride. I began to wonder how they would feel. Neat and firm, and so desirable. Only when I realized that my underwear was getting too small for my rapidly swelling organ did I force myself to divert my thoughts to the overhang TVs, displaying the news broadcast.
Shortly afterward, we got onto the free weights. I couldn't avoid noticing that he looked sleepy and sluggish.
"Hey, is everything ok? You look tired."
"Um? Uhh...I stayed up late last night," he replied, yawning.
"Because of the movies that we watched? Why didn't you tell that you have homework to do? No, wait, you did - and I didn't listen," I started to feel really guilty over this. He had stayed too long at my place and then he had to catch up with his work by staying up late.
"No, no, it's nothing related to school. I got busy with something that I started last night and I didn't even notice the time until I was almost done. It is not your fault at all," he finished, looking at me almost eagerly. I sighed in relief.
"Okay then...'Mr. Big Party'."
He smiled at me and we continued with our workout. For the most part he was doing much better than the first day; I could see improvement, so I was surprised when he sat on the bench, breathing heavily after we finished the last set and said, almost in despair:
"Man, I don't know why, but I don't see any progress. We've been working out for almost a month now, and I see no improvement on myself."
"What the hell are you talking about? You are progressing nicely - I can already see the difference," I replied to him.
He looked at me for a second. It almost seemed as though he was going to say something, but changed his mind: "It seems to me that the only thing I am managing to achieve is to get sore."
I sighed. It seemed that something else was bothering him, and he was only using this as a channel to vent his frustrations. I leaned on one of the weight stands next to him.
"Dude...making progress in the gym takes time. It is best to forget about that as your primary goal. I come here to relax and to stay in shape. A nice build will come, too, as a very nice bonus, but again, don't come here to see progress in a matter of weeks. It takes time for permanent results. If you really want to see your progress, then you need to think in increments of three or even six months, not weeks."
He turned his head slightly over his shoulder to look at me: "You really think that I made progress?"
"Yes, I do! I can see that you are doing more weights, and your technique has improved as well. You are doing well, no matter what you think."
He gave me another long look and then stood up. For the rest of the workout he remained quiet, and I decided not to prod anymore into his mood.
Just before we split I stopped him: "We have finals next week...usually I don't go to the gym during that time, or if I do it's for a short workout only. Do you mind if we ease up a little bit next week?"
He looked disappointed, but he nodded his head. "Okay, that sounds good. Actually, that sounds like a smart move," he looked over the parking lot, as if he were avoiding making eye contact with me. I clenched my jaw. Again, I decided to remain distant, despite finding that his demeanor was bothering me tremendously. Why this wall of silence, all of the sudden?
"Ok, then. Tomorrow I will have to go straight to school from here to meet with my TA for my final project, so we have to finish by 9. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah, sure," he replied with same neutral voice.
With that, we split. I walked to my car, trying to figure out what was going on. Why was he giving me the cold shoulder all of the sudden? Was I getting too close, too personal? I couldn't figure out what was going on. I was rewinding the events in my head. He became distant after my little speech in the gym. That couldn't be it...and yet, that was not the only time he reacted strangely around me. Last night...last night he almost ran out of my place, after making some comments about my arms. I flexed my arms for him and then...
That was it. How can I be so stupid!
I embarrassed him! I had shamelessly flaunted my biceps in front of him, showing off, and he is trying so hard in the gym without seeing any results. That's why he was in such a pissy mood today. I looked after him, but he was already driving away. Crap, and we only had few more days until the pause for final's week. I sighed.
"God, I can be such an insensitive jerk," I mulled over that in my head while I was getting into my car. I needed to call him tonight.
(Matt's point of view)
I got home late in the afternoon. I got stuck in the library, working with two of my lab partners. Kelly and Jeremy had been my lab partners since the beginning of the semester, but I never got more than an occasional email from them, usually regarding our course workload. This was the only time that we had actually met outside class. Jeremy was horrid at lab work; it was him who suggested the meeting. Kelly and I had some research to do as well, so we all met in the library and got everything done, but when we were finally finished, I was exhausted. The lack of sleep from the previous night had caught up with me and, by the time I got home, I was too tired even to eat. As I was walking towards back of the house towards the stairs to my room, something caught my eye. It was a pill bottle, lying in the flowerbed. I picked it up - it was full of prescription sleeping pills for Ms. Lancing. She must have dropped it when she was getting her keys from her purse. I was too wiped out to deal with that, so I decided to return the pills to her later. Feeling drained, I got into my apartment, just dumped my backpack next to the door and dragged myself onto the couch. I knew I needed to get on with my homework, but there was simply no way that I could have accomplished anything right now. I remembered that I had checked out a book from the library that I was dying to read as well, but I was simply too exhausted. I closed my eyes. Images from this morning started to fill my brain in a strange fashion as I was drifting into a restless sleep.
Before I knew it, I was having a fight with Hayden, my mom and Mary all at the same time. I know I was trying to defend him for something, but he was not taking my side, making me even more frustrated.
"But I love you!" I cried, but he only laughed at me and started to share a passionate kiss with some blonde girl that appeared from nowhere.
I woke up, startled and angry. I knew it was just a stupid dream, and there weren't real foundations for any of my emotions, but it still stung. The image of Hayden, laughing at me just as I was trying to explain my feelings to him, left me jaded and washed-out.
I looked over to my alarm clock; it was past eight o'clock. Groaning, I got up from the couch and started to work on my project. I was immersed in graphs and charts when my phone rang. It was Hayden.
"Hey Matt, what's up." His voice sent a warm feeling through my body.
"Not much, I'm just doing my homework here," I replied.
There was a pause, almost as if he was hesitating to continue.
"Oh, okay. I won't bother you then," he finished, but it sounded like he wasn't done.
"You are not bothering me."
"Um, I'm going to take my car to the gym tomorrow, so I was wondering, do you wanna ride with me instead of taking two cars," he pressed on. It sounded as if he said that instead of something else. And the whole sentence felt like it was pushed up the hill, it was that heavy.
"That sounds like a plan," I replied.
"Cool - that way I can take a shower at the gym and head straight to school. Is 5:45 okay with you?"
"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks, Hayden."
Another pause.
"I'll see you in the morning then."
"Ok." I replied and closed my phone, realizing that I am being overly reserved for no good reason. Was it because of my dream? There was no reason for me to be so distant to Hayden. It was my own messed-up mind that was making me be cold-hearted. I glanced over at my drawing block, still opened showing my drawing of him. Tears welled up in my eyes. "I have no right, I cannot treat him like that," I grabbed my phone, but I couldn't call him. I knew that I was too emotional at that moment, and that I would probably have a meltdown talking to him. I typed a message, making several mistakes in process, as my fingers were trembling.
"Sorry Nicki, didn't mean to be so short."
Yeah, that sounds good. Not too pathetic, but still apologetic. Still manly enough.
Several seconds later I got his reply: "Its ok, it's the week before finals. Nobody is normal at this time."
I smiled silently. Instantly, I felt better. "Thanx...I'll see you tomorrow." I typed back.
"Sleep tight. No more partying," was his reply. This time I laughed out loud and closed the phone. One of Hayden's many qualities was that he was really funny, and in a very subtle way. In almost every single one of his jokes there was more than one meaning, and the more you looked into it, the more facets it would reveal. That was one of his major qualities that I liked about him: he wasn't just good looking, or just someone with an awesome body. He was really intelligent too, and not just book-smart. He had life experience mixed with an incredible personality that made him so desirable. Strikingly good looking, smart, with a hot body that was rounding the picture. No wonder he has no problem finding girlfriends.
"And why the hell do I even try to imagine being with him?" I reasoned, disheartened. For a while, I mused over the whole situation that I had placed myself into. I simply didn't know what to do. Several weeks ago I had made a conscious decision to cut him out of my life as much as possible - and I had failed miserably. Now I was working out with him, going to his house to watch movies, texting him..."Yeah, Matt, this is really going according to plan," I mused sarcastically to myself. I looked over my homework. I had enough of lab work for tonight, so I moved over to the couch, pulled out one of the books that I had checked out from the library earlier, and started to read.
(Hayden's point of view)
I got to Matt's place a little before the scheduled time. I climbed the stairs and knocked on the door. A couple of moments later, Matt opened the door. I had to laugh silently - he had his toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. He motioned me in, and then he disappeared into the bathroom. That gave me a chance to look around the place he was renting. It was obviously a part of the house that had been remodeled to accommodate a tenant, with a small kitchen and a bathroom to my right and a large room that was serving as living room and bedroom at the same time. I looked around. He had typical school stuff scattered around: books and papers, along with some other usual stuff for a college student.. A couch next to me was littered with papers and his notes. The queen-sized bed was occupying the opposite wall, with a reading lamp next to it. There was also a drawing block lying on the floor underneath the lamp, with various pencils scattered around it. I found that odd, since I was positive that he was not in any of the art classes. As I was looking around, I noticed on the floor next to the couch a book with a pen in it, marking the spot where he left off. Unlikely all other books, this was not a textbook. I craned my head to read the title.
"I'm almost ready," said Matt from behind me, exiting the bathroom. He saw me looking over the book.
"Did you like it?" I asked, curious.
"Yeah! But I stopped reading it last night when it got too scary for me," he admitted, shyly. "I kinda knew that it was about vampires, but it was still kinda scary."
"I have a copy - you didn't have to buy it," I told him.
He shook his head, opening the closet door: "I checked it out from the library yesterday. I had some time while we were doing our project, so I decided to give it a try," he replied, while grabbing a different shirt from the closet, and taking the one he had on him off. This time I caught a glimpse of his body, half-hidden by the closet door. Very nice, slim body. His back muscles danced quickly in front of my eyes; I could only catch a view of half of his back as he immediately put the new shirt on. I had to turn away so he wouldn't catch me staring at him. Still, the image of his sinewy muscles lingered in front of my eyes for a few more moments, while I looked away. This was the first time that I had seen him shirtless, even only partially, and yet it was still...erotic. I glanced around the room looking for a distraction.
"You draw, too?" I asked nodding my head towards the `drawing block in the corner.
"Um, yeah. Sometimes. It's just a hobby," he replied, looking somewhat embarrassed.
"May I see it?" I asked, looking at him. This was new to me - an artistic Matt. I was very curious about that side of his personality.
I thought that he was going to choke. His face fell for a second, almost in panic. Before I could open my mouth, he responded in haste:
"No! I mean...I don't like to ...show it. Until it's finished, that is," he finished, smiling. His composure was back, but he was still glancing at me worryingly. I nodded my head and brushed it off. I couldn't imagine why he would be that secretive about his work - but again, decided to bury my curiosity within. With that, we left. The whole trip to the gym Matt remained silent.
We got to the gym a little before 6 am and started our usual routine. This time, both of us were quiet, even more so than usual. I was trying to figure out how to finish my project, and it seemed that Matt was immersed in his thoughts as well. Only once, towards the end, did he ask me about the way I performed an exercise on one of the cable machines. We finished, and started to walk towards the locker room.
"Are you doing okay on your homework?" I asked him.
"Oh, yes. I got most of it finished; now I need to study for the exams next week. I have a lab final on Monday, so I need to get that done, too, but otherwise I'm fine.
"Cool." I replied as we walked into the locker room. I grabbed my towel and headed for the showers. "Give me like five, and we can be on our way back." I shouted at him across the hall.
I finished with my shower and got out, with the towel wrapped around my waist. Matt was sitting on the bench in the locker room and reading some magazine. I got to my locker and pulled my gym bag out, then started to sort through my clothes, when I had a strange sense come upon me. It was more of a distant feeling of being watched than an actual sensation. In an instant, I realized that Matt had his eyes riveted on me. I shot him a glance, still bent over my gym bag. He wasn't just looking. He was staring, with his blue eyes wide open.
"Wow," came from him. I stood up holding my t-shirt, puzzled.
"Damn, Hayden, you are built! Holy cow..." He stood up, and came a step closer, literally devouring me with his gaze. He was standing almost next to me, in the narrow space between the lockers and the bench, and I became painfully aware of how close he really was. Now it was my turn to feel uncomfortable. I almost took that one step back to regain the distance, but I abandoned the idea, realizing that it would make the situation even more awkward.
And I didn't want to step back.
I yearned for the closeness, but at the same time I was aware that he was close, too close for me to remain calm. The contradictory emotions started to collide in me, and the air became heavy in my lungs. His eyes were lingering over my body and I could see that he was unconsciously biting his lip. I didn't know how to react, especially since he was so self-conscious lately about his own body.
With all that running through my head, I noticed a movement of his hand. I saw that same motion once before: it was the same hesitant, timid move that he had that one time when he had reached for my guitar. The same movement of his fingers, extending them at first and then withdrawing them in haste, as if he were afraid that he was doing something wrong.
"Go ahead, man, you can touch," I smiled at him and nodded my head.
He shot me a surprised look, which was quickly replaced by the look of a child that is allowed to reach for a cookie from the jar.
Still timidly, he reached with his right hand and, only with the tips of his fingers he touched my chest. I could see the fascination in his eyes as he was very gently feeling my chest, poking along the ridges of my muscles. I diverted my eyesight from his hand to him - he was in complete awe, tracing the same path with his eyes as his fingers, feeling my pecs. My eyes riveted on those oceans of blue. I felt more and more transfixed with the unbelievable shades of his eyes, framed with eyelashes that were only accenting their intensity. I could stare in those eyes forever. My eyes followed the line of his cheeks to his lips, that were slightly open, firm and so tempting. And I could feel his fingers on my chest, an electrifying presence that was only adding to my longing. It felt almost as if his finger was leaving a trace of electrical charge behind it. I started to feel heaviness in my organ and my breathing became more rapid. I just couldn't tell him to stop, to pull his hand away, because I was going to...I was going to...
In a snap, he pulled his hand away from me and stepped away. Our eyes met. I could see that he had trouble forming words, and there was panic appearing in his eyes as he was backing away from me. I knew that he was getting rapidly embarrassed. I could see it in his stance. I could see the flare that was rapidly engulfing his cheeks. I knew that, if I didn't find something to say quickly, he was going to be ashamed and the situation would turn awkward.
"You keep working out, and you'll have something to show, too," I smiled at him, trying to conceal my still ragged breathing.
He still had that look of pure awe on his face. "Damn! ... that's... amazing!" he shouted, stepping away while still looking at me. For a moment I thought that he would trip over the bench behind him, but he sat down on it safely.
I donned my polo and, turned slightly away from him, I started to sort out my keys and watch that were still in the locker. "Yeah man, you have a good frame - and, if you are consistent, you won't be far behind me in a year or so," I continued, while taking off my towel and folding it in. I had to turn away from him. The heaviness in my organ was starting to get serious, almost rising to half-mast. Luckily, we were alone in the locker room, so I hurriedly put the rest of my clothes on.
Again, the sensation of being watched swarmed upon me, but I ignored the urge to look over my shoulder.
"You really think so?" I heard him say.
Now fully dressed, I turned around: "Yes! You have broad shoulders and good body base; if your goal is to bulk up, that is not that hard," I replied, stepping over the bench towards him and grabbing my gym bag.
He also stood up, his smile getting wider: "And I can count on you to help me with that?"
I hugged him with my free hand as we were walking out. "Anytime, little bro, anytime."
(Matt's point of view)
I waved to Hayden as he drove away, and then I ran upstairs to my room. It was cold inside my room, and I began to shudder as I stepped out if my gym clothes, and into the shower. It wasn't just the coldness of the room that was sending shivers through my body. It was my derailed mind that was betraying me, and I knew it. It was a frightening experience.
I was just standing there, letting hot water run over me, thoughts flooding my mind in a discordant mess that I couldn't control. The thoughts that I knew too well, and all this time I had been trying to suppress and bury as deep as I could. Conflicting thoughts of being with Hayden and at the same time getting away from him were fighting in me, mixed with the trembling sensation of the new experience that I had just gone through. At first, I couldn't even determine what it was that made my body shudder with tremors that were coming from inside, but then it gradually became clearer, as it emerged from the dissonant background of my scattered mind.
I touched him.
And it had been so much more than that. I touched him, and it was not the usual friendly touch that I would occasionally allow myself when I was with him. It was not the casual pat on the shoulder or the light touch on the arm that still remained within norms of casual relationships between two males. Those touches were very rare from my side, because I knew that it wouldn't take much from me to erase that thin line of acceptance, that line that I never had the awareness of, or even sense of its existence. Awkwardly enough, Hayden was more physical than me, giving me occasional hugs or sometimes placing his hand on my shoulder. Unlike him, not knowing the proper boundaries of what it would be considered suitable socializing, I stayed distant. To me, being physical as giving a guy just a pat on the back or touching his body was all the same as caressing his muscles in a more involved manner.
Just like when I had felt Hayden's muscles this morning.
My head started to spin again. The visions and feelings from only half an hour ago rushed into my head. Hayden, emerging from the gym shower, wearing only a towel around his waist. The image of his naked torso, glistening from moisture, as he walked slowly towards me, came back to me.
I tried not to look. I tried, but I couldn't stop my eyes from lifting from some magazine that I found on the bench. My self-restraint was overpowered by my desire to see Nicki's body. Somewhere in the back of my head something was screaming at me to stop, to look away, to be everything that I am not.
My breathing stopped. He walked to his locker and pulled his gym bag, while I was staring, just openly staring, not even caring if someone was going to see me or not. Hayden's body was pure perfection, poetry in motion. Even when he was just walking, relaxed as he usually is, it was so seductive for me that I forgot to breathe. I devoured every little detail, every little shade of light change as he was displaying his muscular body in front of me. Not even thinking straight, my body lifted itself from the bench and I took those two steps towards him. I just had to. I was drawn to him, just like a powerful magnet pulls everything close to it. My eyes were tracing over his beautiful round shoulders and arms, to the wide, strong chest that was flowing into the firm muscles of his abdomen. I began to tremble. He was just looking at me, and I could feel his eyes on me. At that moment I didn't care what he would think. My impulses subdued all rational thoughts in my head. And then, he said something incredible:
"Go ahead... touch."
Hot water in my apartment's shower was making the whole bathroom steamy, but I was still trembling. A sensation of heaviness started to build in my lower abdomen. Feeling dizzy, I placed my hand on the wall in front of me. The touch of the hard, cold tiles had nothing in common with the touch my hand had experienced at gym's locker. The coldness of the tiles only emphasized how different his body had been under my hand. How warm and firm his muscles felt, as my fingers were gliding over his smooth skin. How exhilarating it felt to be so close to him and be able to feel his body, for the first time. To finally give in to all my yearning and finally touch the object of my desire.
The pressure in my head and the strange buzzing in my ears escalated, as I was tracing over the firmness of his muscles, slowly, very slowly, from the outer ridges of his pecs to the firm line in the middle of his chest. It felt as if his skin was setting my fingertips on fire. I could feel his gaze upon me, but I didn't care.
Just like in the gym's locker, my breathing in the shower became rapid. I closed my eyes while the water was spraying my shoulders. The vision of Hayden's naked body became even more vivid, as my mind was flooded with images of his beautiful tanned skin, his veined arms, his dark, firm nipples on the very outer ridge of his chest...
With my free hand I grabbed my straining cock, and frantically, furiously started to masturbate. It took only a couple strokes to bring me to a fierce finish, spewing jets of hot semen in spurts that were leaving my lower abdomen convulsing in painful cramps. I let out a small cry and collapsed on the shower floor, still holding my spasming penis in my hand. It took me several moments to lift my head and open my eyes. Breathing heavily, I could still feel the heat from my organ on the palm of my hand. The shower water was raining on me while I was kneeling on the floor, and the bathroom was echoing with sounds of my ragged breathing. My whole body was trembling from the intensity of the orgasm that I had just experienced.
The exhaustion slowly overwhelmed me. I looked up at the wall splattered with my cum. A horrifying sensation filled my body. I started shaking again, this time for a whole new reason.
I've done something...wrong. I cannot trust myself anymore.
"So this is how it feels to lose control," I thought to myself sullenly, looking at my swollen organ, which was defiantly refusing to subdue.
I stood up, and with shaky hands I shut the water off. I dried myself and put some clothes on, then went to the living room.
I sat on the couch, feeling really lousy about the whole thing. I felt as if I had used Hayden, treated him like a piece of meat. I'd used him the way someone would use a centerfold in a magazine, just to get his rocks off. It started to really bother me. How shitty is this friendship? Am I just lusting over his body, jerking over images of him in the bathroom after groping him? The more I thought about it, the more disgusted I felt about myself. And, more and more, the feeling of an empty space in my stomach was being replaced with a stone. Would he allow me to touch him if he knew what was behind my interest in him?
I felt guilt. And shame.
I used someone who has no idea what kind of a person I am, and why I am hanging around him. He is there for me as a friend, and all I do is use his friendship to get close to him so I can jerk off later thinking about his body. I clenched my jaw and banged on the couch with my fist several times, in anger and frustration.
"Nicki...I am sorry...I am so sorry..." I cried. I started to repeat that over and over again, clenching my fists. I felt that I had betrayed him in the lousiest and lowest manner possible. And despite my knowing that he would never find out, it changed nothing. I cannot apologize for something like that. And he must not find out.
I would rather die.
(Hayden's point of view)
The week of finals was simply flying past me. I knew that I felt like this due to my busy schedule - almost every day I had either an exam or a lab final. On Wednesday morning I had my Biochem exam, and in the afternoon I had its lab final. I decided to stay on campus and study, instead of wasting precious time by going back home. I was contemplating going to the cafeteria, but I knew that in its noisy surroundings I wouldn't accomplish anything, so I took a stroll across the campus to the library, noticing how it was very cold outside, the sky overcast with clouds that were threatening with rain. The library was much quieter than the cafeteria, even though there were still a bunch of students there, trying to catch up on their readings. Looking around, I found an empty reading pavilion, with comfy looking chairs, in a distant corner of library. With a sigh, I sat down in it. The Biochem exam had left me completely mentally exhausted; I had been sitting down for less than five minutes when my eyelids started to get heavy. "No wonder, I stayed up until almost four cramming for today," I thought to myself, sliding a little further into the soft cushions. The background noise of the library started to lull me into sleep. Several minutes later, I heard some light shuffling close by. Someone sat down in the chair next to mine, and began to unpack his belongings, being very careful about it. I could hear books being slowly and carefully placed on the table, and papers being quietly withdrawn from the backpack. Even through my daze, I was starting to be curious about the person next to me, but my eyes were glued shut, so I just continued to listen. The chair creaked lightly as the person next to me sat back, and started to thumb through the pages of his book and went quiet. I started to doze off again.
It is interesting how, sometimes, even little things can set in motion a significant response. Just like when someone is trying to unwrap a candy in a quiet theatre, or when a car alarm goes off in the middle of the night. The same goes for when you know someone, and you know him well; even the smallest things about that person will unmistakably enable you to recognize him in the middle of a crowded street or store, just by the way that person walks, or shrugs his shoulders, or checks the time on his wrist watch.
Just like the person next to me cleared his throat, with a barely audible noise.
In an instant, my mind kicked in and the distinctive feeling washed over me. The feeling that I knew who was sitting next to me was permeated with something even more personal, even more familiar. The sleepiness vanished from me as I opened my eyes and met the steady gaze of Matt's blue eyes.
"Sorry...didn't want to wake you up," he said, sheepishly, still looking at me.
"I shouldn't be sleeping in the first place," I replied, looking back at him. The overcast daylight was making the interior of the library dim and shadowy, and everything was appearing grayer then usual.
Everything but Matt's eyes. The usual vivid blue color of his eyes was darker, deeper, and more intense than I had ever seen it before. It was making him desirable in a very sinister way. Just the way he was looking at me was smoldering. The dark blue sweatshirt that he was wearing was only emphasizing the depths of his eyes.
"How are things going with your exams?" he asked me, still looking at me intensely. I had to swallow a lump that formed in my throat to answer him:
"Oh, it's a mad house, as usual. Had one this morning, waiting for the lab final in the afternoon."
He nodded his head: "Yeah, I have a lab final this afternoon, too," he said, pointing towards the stack of books in front of him.
"Well, I guess we better get on with it, then," I said, forcing myself to tear my eyes from his as I sat up.
In the next hour or so we actually studied, both immersed in our textbooks and notes. I was surprised at the fact that Matt's presence was not distracting me as I had expected it to; as a matter of fact, his sitting next to me forced me to study even harder, to be a role model, to be someone that he could look up to. Our studying was interrupted when a girl came to our table and asked Matt to help her with one of the chapters that she was reading. It was obvious that they knew each other. I sat back, rather amused, and started to play a little mind game: was this his girlfriend, the one that was making him so distant and absentminded from time to time? Nothing in their conversation was disclosing any of those implications, though. I observed them for a moment, then my cell phone started to vibrate. It was Scott, who had finished his exams, and was now trying to find someone to share the joy of his glee. I got annoyed at first, but then I had to laugh at his blissful happiness. He started to insist on post-finals party, and at my house of all of places. I started to shake my head, but I was still laughing in half-breath.
"No, dude, it is going to be awesome! Then we can invite some chicks and get really trashed!" he was being persistent.
"Absolutely out of the question! I'm okay with a small party, but I have no intention of turning my place into a frat house! We can get together, you bring whomever you want, I don't care, but we have to keep it small," I insisted.
"Okay, whatever. I'll try to get in touch with some girls, you bring Courtney, and that new kid, what was his name again?"
"Matt. I can ask him, if you want," I tried to keep it quiet, but Matt overheard me saying his name and glanced up at me with a puzzled look. I finished the conversation with Scott, and turned to him:
"Sorry, man, that was Scott. He is trying to throw a party at my place on Friday, so we can celebrate the end of finals. The more the merrier, so you are invited too. And you can bring whomever you want," I finished, trying to sound as casual as I could, while looking towards the girl that was standing next to him.
"Ow...I-...I don't know...I was planning to go back home, but..." he started to stutter.
"You don't have to feel obligated to come. We usually get together after the exams are over, so it is very relaxing. And since it's apparently going to be to be at my place, it's not going to be too wild, nor too far from you," I finished.
"Um, I'll see. I don't want to make any promises, but thank you for the invitation," he finished.
We continued to study for the next hour, and then he had to go; his exam was an hour before mine. Just as he was collecting his stuff, out of nowhere, he said:
"I really miss working out with you. I've felt so lazy in past week that we haven't gone to the gym."
"I know! I feel the same way too. But don't worry, as soon as this week is over, I'm planning to get back to our routine," I responded.
He hesitated for a second, looking indecisive about something, then nodded his head: "Yeah, that sounds like a plan."
I watched him as he swung his backpack on his shoulder, and smiled at me, getting ready to leave. I felt the need to ask him something; it was more of a subconscious need to keep him in my presence, than an actual question:
"Hey, how is that Shakespearian relationship of yours going? Did you manage to resolve anything on that issue?"
In an instant, the smile disappeared from his face. I could see that he was struggling to keep it up, not to show his emotions, but his stance was saying otherwise. I felt like somebody punched me in the stomach. Before I could say anything, he took a deep breath, looked at me for a second and then buried his gaze in the floor. But even in that split second, I could see that his eyes were swimming with emotions. I immediately tried to apologize, but he waved his hand away as he started to answer.
"It's...ok. It's something that I learned to deal with. I guess it's a learning experience, at least for me. Thank you for asking, though," he finished and looked back at me.
I managed to smile in response, even though I was cringing inside. What an idiot I was! I knew that that was a sensitive subject for him and yet I didn't even bother to think it through before opening my mouth. He nodded his head again, gave me a faint smile, but there was newly born tension on his face as he turned around and walked away.
To say that I felt really shitty was an understatement. I was cursing myself inside, and my stupidity to ask him that. What was I thinking?
Still feeling really lousy, I grabbed my notebook again, but this time I couldn't concentrate on any of the material. The sight of his face, changing emotions so quickly, was tearing me inside.
In a snap, I was on my feet, rushing outside of the library. I spotted him, walking away towards the main campus building.
"Matt!" I yelled and took after him. He didn't hear me the first time around.
"Matt!" This time he turned around, and saw me walking briskly toward him, he stopped, waiting for me to catch up.
"I'm an insensitive idiot...I shouldn't ask you that kind of a personal question. I...I'm sorry." I finished, looking at him.
He looked back at me...and for a moment we were just standing in the library courtyard, not saying a word to each other. There was a kaleidoscope of emotions coursing through his eyes, and I couldn't look away. I just couldn't. His eyes were still much darker than usual, much more intense. The stormy clouds above were only emphasizing that feeling; I could hear the thunder in the far distance, announcing the storm. Only when the wind blew a strand of hair across his face, I become aware that I was looking very intensely at him. And also that he was returning my gaze, looking back into my eyes. He brushed his hair away with his hand; that simple motion acted on both of us, bringing us back from that strange trance.
"It's...you don't have to apologize...it is me who is messed up. I shouldn't drag you into my mess," he spoke quietly, and then smiled. It felt as if he instantly flipped a switch, lifting all the clouds that were hanging above us.
"So...see you at the gym?" he continued, looking at me with a completely different look in his eyes. The mask was back; there was no visible tension on his face. I clenched my jaw. It felt as if he had just slammed an inner door into him, right into my face, leaving me on the outside.
"Yeah...ok." I replied realizing that it was better not to push anything at this moment.
Better...for me.
(Matt's point of view)
My cell phone blipped once, letting me know that I have a message. I flipped it open - it was from Hayden, asking me again whether I will come to his party on Friday. For a second, I was just looking at my phone, in a strange mixture of anticipation and anxiety. After what had happened yesterday, I wasn't sure if I wanted to reply to his message or not. Seeing Hayden every day in the gym placed me in a very fragile state of mind - and I could really feel it. Every day, before I left the house, I had to give myself a mental slap in the face so I could be composed in front of him. And, every morning, it was getting harder and harder not to show my nervousness when I saw him. It was working, until yesterday. That afternoon in the library, out of the blue, he asked me a question that shattered my fake composure in pieces. Of course, he didn't know in what kind of turmoil that question would set me.
He asked me about my relationship...with him.
For several moments, sheer mortification was coursing trough me. The only thought on my mind was: "He knows. He has put two and two together. He has figured out that I have been checking him out, lusting over his body. He knows."
It took a lot of mental strength to give him a meaningful answer, and then I quickly took off, to go to my exam. I have no idea how I managed to get through the library without bumping into people, with the sudden rush of lightheadedness that came upon me. Once outside, I rubbed my forehead and sighed deeply several times, giving myself a mental check-up:
"Okay. You are okay. Now let's focus on this final. You can call Mary later and discuss the rest of your life with her. Now you need to focus on the final." It helped a little bit, and I continued to walk towards the Science Center.
"Matt!"
I turned around, surprised. I knew it was Hayden calling me, and yet it was something that I hadn't expected. I saw him walking briskly toward me; mixed emotions churned in my head. My first thought was that I had forgotten something in the library, but the expression on his face was telling me differently. He came up to me, and just stood in front of me, locking his eyes on mine, those deep warm eyes of his that were telling me more than his words. There was an enormous amount of compassion pouring from him, and I could only stand there, getting lost in the depth of those dark eyes.
I could see that his lips were slightly open, inviting, calling. I blinked slowly, and started to lean into him, feeling that I was letting go, feeling that I was losing control and falling apart, one frail fragment of my mind after another.
A lightning bolt speared the sky, waking me up from my trance.
The emotions in me changed so abruptly that it became painful to breathe. From the impulsive and unplanned spontaneous move, I became a frightened little boy.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING ?
The screaming in my mind slowly became unbearable, almost like a pressure that was nearly palpable.
"YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM."
In a painful revelation, I became aware that I almost did something forbidden, something illicit. I brushed a strand of hair from my eyes with trembling fingers. I don't know how I found the strength and composure to answer him. I had no idea. The only thing I knew was that I needed to get away, as soon as possible. At that time I didn't care about my exam, or what anyone would say if he saw us standing so close to each other. All I knew was that I needed to keep my composure for that one more moment, so I could run away.
Hayden nodded his head, returning my smile, and then I turned around and walked away. The breezeway between buildings became blurry from the tears that were welling in my eyes. I didn't care if someone was going to see me or not. The only thing I knew was that the painful cramping in my chest became a searing ball of pain that was singeing me from the inside.
I knew in that moment, that I couldn't live my life like this anymore.
(Hayden's point of view)
Even after calling him several times, Matt was not returning any of my calls or messages. I was getting increasingly worried. I could understand that yesterday he was probably comatose just as much as I was, trying to get back to a semi-normal routine after the exams. But, in between preparations for the party tonight, I couldn't not think about him. The first couple of calls were supposed to be under the veil of curiosity of exam follow-ups; the later ones were out of just plain worry. I sent him several messages, and finally quit.
He wanted to be left alone, obviously. "Leave the boy alone," I thought to myself.
I couldn't. Even when Courtney showed up at noon to hang around and help me, I was still thinking about that blue-eyed boy. Just when I was thinking about sneaking out under some excuse to go over to his place, people started to arrive. First it was Scott, with two girls. I knew them both: Lisa had tried to hook up with me last semester, but I couldn't deal with her loud personality. Jessie was the other one, a blonde that was somewhat on the quiet side. Soon after that, some of my other friends arrived, and before long, my place was louder than most clubs. "It is a good thing that I warned the neighbors that it might be a little loud tonight," I thought to myself, watching two people dragging coolers full of beer into the kitchen. "Oh well, it is the end of the semester. We all need this," I mused, and cracked open a beer. I knew that I wouldn't drink much, just in case that some people needed a ride home, or, more unlikely, someone called the cops. Courtney hugged me and dragged me onto the living room where she started to dance with me.
(Matt's point of view)
As soon as I got to the porch of Hayden's house, it was clear to me that this was not going to be a "quiet" gathering. There were a bunch of cars parked in the street in front of his house, and the music was thumping so loudly that I could hear it even inside of my car.
"You got to do this, Matt. You promised," I sighed and got out of the car.
Knocking on the door was futile; nobody would hear it over the music, so I let myself in.
In the living room there were at least fifteen people, dancing and chatting, and I could see that there were more in the kitchen. I spotted Scott, who was dancing in the middle of the room with two girls, still holding a beer bottle in his hand. Except for him, I couldn't recognize any of those people. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Matt, buddy, I'm glad that you could make it!"
I turned around with a smile. Even over the music, Hayden's voice was as husky as always. Especially when spoken directly into my ear to fight the music.
"Yeah...looks like a big party you got here," I replied. He shrugged his shoulders, in mock defeat.
"What you gonna do? Couple more people showed up, I couldn't turn them away. What do you want to drink?" he asked, pointing towards the kitchen table, crowded with various bottles. I could see the two coolers filled with beer sitting underneath the table as well.
"Coke would be great," I replied. He shot me a worried look
"Dude, it's the end of the semester! You gonna get something more serious than that!"
"Not right now, thanks." I forced myself to keep a smile as Courtney came along and hugged Hayden. I could see that she was drunk. I looked at Hayden again. Either he could hold his liquor well, or he wasn't drinking.
"What are you drinking?" I pointed at his glass.
"Coke...just like everybody else," he smirked with that devilish grin of his.
I nodded my head as he turned around and went into the kitchen. Courtney grabbed my hand.
"C'mon, I have a couple friends that I want you to meet," she said, dragging me toward the couch. Two girls were sitting there already, and Courtney introduced me to them. Lisa and Jessie, both very cute. I sat in the corner, and in a moment I was getting engulfed in conversation with both of them...at the same time. Both of them acted very interested in me. Lisa was a little more aggressive, leaning on me and placing occasionally her hand on my thigh, while Jessie was more quiet, just looking at me very intensively from time to time. Hayden arrived one minute later with my drink.
"I see you already found some nice company," he nodded to me.
"Hayden, how come you never told us about Matt? You were hiding this cutie-pie from us the whole semester!" exclaimed Lisa. I could feel my cheeks starting to burn.
"Hey, I don't know. Matt is still new around here, so be gentle with him. He is shy." He gave me a smirk and a nod, and than walked away. I was just looking after him, slowly getting horrified.
Hayden did what any friend would do in a situation like this: he walked away from a guy making contact with a hot girl. I was supposed to engage in conversation with one of these girls and potentially take it to another level. This is what college parties are well-known for - even I knew that. The panic started to creep into me. What if one of the girls wants to do something with me later? Or both of them? I cannot do that! I became horridly apprehensive and claustrophobic. My rescue came very unexpectedly from Scott, who sat next to Lisa, hugging her in a very friendly manner.
"Hey sexy, what's going on? I haven't seen you dancing all night!"
"I was just talking to Matt here...I will come out there to put you to shame in a second," she laughed.
"You know you are just wasting your time with my boy Matt here." Scott took a swig from his beer bottle.
I could feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up. He was going to out me, right now, to these girls that I had just met? And how on earth would he know that...
"Matt has a girl back home. And you two want to bust that in only one night! Isn't that right, Matt?" he nodded to me, winking.
I sighed in relief. That was close!
"No, we are just talking, Scott. Not everybody is like you, horn dog!" she laughed, jabbing him in the ribs. Next thing I know, the two of them were wrestling on the couch next to me, giggling and laughing. I turned around, shaking my head in disbelief.
"So is it true that you have a girlfriend back home?" my eyes met with Jessie's.
"Uh, yeah. I'm...unavailable," I stuttered, satisfied that I could make my way out without lying. Well, sort of. At least I wasn't leading anybody on, so that made me feel better about it.
Jessie and I continued to talk for the better part of the evening, and even shared a dance. That was the first time that I danced with a girl...she was an excellent dancer, and I had no problems following her lead. She was leaning on me, and I could feel her body rubbing on mine as we were swaying in the rhythm of the music. As she had her arms around my neck, I looked behind her. Hayden was dancing with Courtney on the other side of the room. He saw me looking at him, and he gave me another nod and assuring smirk. I could only curl my lip in a similar response. He turned around, still dancing wildly with Courtney. God, her hips were gyrating in a most sexual way, while she was holding onto him. It was as if they were having sex right there, in the middle of his living room full of people. I watched her hands caressing his broad back and neck and at that instant I knew that I could never pretend that I'm straight well enough. The girl in my arms was stirring almost no emotions in me, while just looking at Hayden, even across the room, made me evoke some very sensual memories from only a few days ago. And it started to wake up something in my jeans, too. I had enough common sense to peel myself away from Jessie so she wouldn't notice it.
The song ended, and Jessie and I sat back on the couch. She got worried that Lisa was gone, since she was her ride here, and at the same time I couldn't see Scott anywhere. I smirked in my head: I was right about these parties and college students. I couldn't blame Scott. If I had a chance to have my way with Nicki, I wouldn't be sticking around here either. I offered her a ride, in case Lisa didn't show back up, and she readily agreed. I sipped my drink, hoping that she was not expecting anything in return.
Around midnight we ended up in the kitchen, refilling our last drinks. She was mixing rum and coke, and offered me a sip of her drink. Hayden walked in the kitchen just as Jessie and I were very close, almost sharing her glass.
"How is it going man? Having fun?" he gave me a hug. A really friendly hug, tugging me really close to him. I could feel his warm, firm body underneath his shirt. And inhale that specific scent of Hayden that always sent waves of tingling sensations through my body. He was wearing some cologne, but I could smell so much more than just the cologne. A pleasant smell of his warm body, clean clothes and musky maleness. I almost closed my eyes as I was inhaling it. Oh, how I loved every inch of him. I was really surprised that I couldn't sense any alcohol at all. Was he drinking at all tonight?
I patted him on the stomach in the return, feeling his firm abs underneath the silk shirt that he had on.
"Actually I was just having a last drink before I left," I replied to him. His face grew serious for a second, and then he waved at the door:
"Sure, no problem. I'll see you out," he said, placing his glass on the kitchen counter.
Both of us stepped outside. It was a cold, crisp December evening. I inhaled the cold air, feeling the sudden change in temperature gripping my face. The party was still audible in the background, but much quieter. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and turned towards him. He was just standing there, looking at me.
"Thanks for inviting me, I really appreciate it," I said to him.
He waved his hand. "No problem, bro, I'm glad that you were able to come. I was getting worried about you," he replied, looking at me. The lights from the porch were keeping his eyes in the shadow, but I could feel the intensity of his gaze on me.
"Um, yeah, I'm sorry for not calling you back. I am contemplating going back home, or doing some research for the spring semester classes," I continued, now looking off somewhere into the distance. There was a sense of distinctive tension in between us at that moment. It felt as if both of us needed to say something, but neither of us could break the silence that was starting to be heavy. At that moment, Jessie came out of the house, putting her coat on. She smiled at me, and stumbled by Hayden to join me on the walkway.
"I am going to give Jessie a ride home, since Lisa disappeared on us," I explained to Hayden.
"Aaaa...okay. Are you all right to drive, man?" he looked at me worryingly.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for inviting me over, I really had a good time," I said, wanting to leave as soon as possible. Jessie had a glassy gaze on her face, and I knew that pretty soon she would just pass out cold. As much as I wanted to stay here with Hayden, I wanted to put this girl in her own bed and go to mine.
Hayden shifted his weight a bit. For the first time that I had known him, he appeared hesitant, almost insecure. I was already opening the door for Jessie so she could get into the car when Hayden called me, almost whispering. Despite the fact that he was very quiet about it, I snapped my head towards him, and then making sure that Jessie's door is closed, I went back to the porch.
"I...I just want to ask you to...if you are leaving...not to leave without seeing me one more time." His voice was very quiet, I almost had to lean towards him to hear. I nodded my head. My own throat was constricted with emotions.
"I don't know what exactly is happening with you, but I don't want to lose you as a friend. I can tell that something is bothering you tremendously, and it is okay if you don't want to talk to me about it, but please promise me that you are not just going to run away, okay?"
I nodded my head again. I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. Hayden opened his hands and we hugged, tightly, the way close friends do. I held on to him for one moment longer than usual. I just couldn't let go.
"So, if you are not going to leave anytime soon, do you want to start going to the gym again?" I heard him say. The change in subject was perfect, it shifted the mood just enough for me to be able to respond to him.
"Sure...tomorrow?"
"Yeah, but not too early...I will probably need some sleep after tonight," he smirked.
"Ten sounds good to you?" I asked.
"Perfect. See you tomorrow then," he replied. I smiled at him and went to my car. Jessie was too busy texting someone on her cell phone to even notice what was happening on the walkway, right in front of the car. I asked her for directions and soon we were on our way. Thankfully she was too tired and drunk to talk or ask for anything so as soon as I dropped off in front of her house, I was on my way back home.
(Hayden's point of view)
I sat on the porch steps and watched as the taillights of Matt's car disappeared in the distance. I closed my eyes and hung my head, thinking about those last few moments, thinking about this past evening, thinking about the whole last semester. How it all boiled in me, all the insecurities, all of the muffled and ambiguous feelings. Right now, I was pretty pissed. I knew that the moment that Matt and I had shared just minutes ago was a precious private moment, a passageway in the space in between us, that both of us felt something. At least that was what it seemed like to me. I couldn't believe my eyes when he showed up. I just turned around and he was there, as if he had almost materialized out of thin air in the hallway. He looked...stunning. Dark blue buttoned shirt, tucked in belted jeans. This time he wore shoes, complementing the whole well-dressed picture. I could see that he had put a lot of effort to look presentable, and my God he did. I had to swallow a lump before I approached him. The moment I spoke to him, and he turned around, I knew that this night was not going to be easy on me. His hair was falling in those sexy bangs left and right on his forehead, accenting his handsome face. And those eyes...only emphasized with his shirt, those eyes left me feeling weak. His pupils dilated a little bit when he locked his gaze on me, like he was trying to get more of me in his eyesight. I inhaled deeply, trying to find something to say. I offered him a drink, an excellent gateway. Not to my surprise, he refused; something about Matt said that he was not the drinking type. Courtney got a hold of him and next thing I know he was chatting along with two girls on my living room couch. I had to smile-he was at the party for less than ten minutes and already scoring some ladies! But what swept me off my feet was when I saw him dancing with one of the girls. He was holding her by her waist, while she was following his moves, moving along together. I just watched, mesmerized by the fluid motions of his body, the almost hypnotic motion of his hips as she was holding on to him. He saw me looking at him - I had to forge a smile. Despite the fact that Courtney was leaning on me, I felt lonely.
I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be the one whom he is holding on to, hanging tightly onto each other while the music was playing.
The chill of the evening made me shiver, bringing me back to reality. I was getting cold sitting outside on the porch but, at the same time, I was seeking solitude. I needed some time to get back in check, and to be able to deal with the drunken people who were still inside the house. I propped my chin with my fists and sighed. I went outside with Matt to see him out, but in fact I wanted to have a moment alone with him. I wanted to talk to him about something, and I didn't even know exactly what it was that was on my mind. It was a lot like searching through the fog of my brain, chasing shadows of some bothersome presence that was driving me insane all evening. I knew that. The ambiguity of my rushed move scared me. I knew that it was the sign of losing control, a sign of driving through the night with my eyes closed. Even at that moment I didn't quite know why, when he turned around to see me, I started to shiver from the sudden acknowledgment of the desire that was brewing inside me. I didn't realize at that moment that I wanted to be open with him, to tell him that our friendship was more profound and that it meant something else to me than every other one that I had had so far. Instead, when he turned around, I felt as if I had crackling ice underneath me, and the ice started to give away. The nervousness in me reached an almost visible intensity as I faced him, and, once again, I lost the ability to speak. I wasn't sure that I would have even had the courage to admit that I have feelings for him; during those agonizing couple of moments of me deciding what to tell him, Jessie burst onto the porch, staggering along the way. In an instant, the moment was gone, and all the consequences of what I had been about to do hit me, as if someone had slapped me across the face. What the hell was I doing? He was taking this girl with him for a good fuck, and I wanted to say...what exactly? I couldn't muster the answer, not even to myself. He shot a brief look toward the girl in his car. I felt like an idiot, holding him up from having a good time with Jessie. No wonder he was looking so... impatient.
"This is so fucked up," I sighed again.
I got up and walked back in to the house The majority of the people had already cleared out; there were just a couple more, mostly in the living room watching something on TV. Courtney was on one of the couches, passed out cold. I looked at her. I knew that I should at least attempt to get her to a decent bed, like mine, but in that moment I realized that tonight I would rather sleep alone than with her. The whole house had permeated with the smell of beer and various drinks that were still sitting in glasses, all around the place. I looked around the mess, disgusted. That had never bothered me before, at least not to this extent. I sighed. Now all I wanted was to go to my bed and get some sleep. I got some blankets out of the closet and covered sleeping people, and then picked up Courtney off the couch and half-carried, half-dragged her upstairs. The whole night left a very awkward and bad taste in my mouth. I started to undress and looked at my bed, where Courtney was laying just as I had left her, like a rag doll.
"Well, here I am, with a girlfriend who is comatose, a mess of a house after Scott's 'Little Party', and the only person that I really want to be with right now is banging that hottie Jessie at his place. What is wrong with this picture?" I smirked, but the laughter quickly evaporated from me.
A lot. A lot of things were wrong with this picture.
End of ch 14.
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